Sermons of Rebuke II: Ki Teitzei

by Rivka Schwartz

​Announcements 
No touching people’s arms in the middle of a conversation. Many of the older men are using this technique to keep people in conversation, forcing them to listen to the rest of their jokes. It’s abusive and it must stop. Getting people to want to listen to your jokes with intimidation is illegal and assault. We are proposing listening autonomy. If somebody doesn’t want to listen to Merv, they don’t have to stay.
 
We're going to start sending out a weekly announements of what members are doing. Hearing everything about the community members is important. It’s important to know where they go shopping. So we are going to start announcing it on the shul’s webpage. To note: The Finkelmans go to Kohl's regularly. Kroger grocery shopping by the Blumenbergs is done every Wednesday. Melvensteins bought a yacht.
 
The board will from now on make all decisions. We're letting you know this, just in case you want to join another congregation.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Captives...
I understand the Chazan is taking way too long. It's painful... When you take a captive... This shul has taken me captive. The board... I am a prisoner to this long Davening, and a president who thinks the shul needs a another Mechitzah, because he has money for renovations...
How about you don’t paint the shul pink. Fluorescent colors don’t belong in a shul… One Mechitzah is enough. Ba'al Tosif... If I have to explain adding onto Mitzvot. The only addition to Mitzvot you do is adding a Mechitza. That's because you can't stand your wife... How about you add the Mitzvah of not driving to shul on Shabbat... I'm a captive to your sinning...
Merv holds people captive in conversation... Merv. Let them grow their nails first. Before telling them jokes...

Ki Teitzei Lamilchama. When you go to war with your congregants…

(Devarim 21:14) 'If you don't want her, you shall send her away... but you shall not sell her for money. You shall not keep her as a servant, because you have afflicted her.' You have afflicted me. Let me go with a good pension.
She was afflicted. You killed her family. The least you can do, if you don't desire her, is to let her find another man. If a rabbi doesn't desire a congregation... You still pay his pension...
If you take her captive, you have treat her well. The way you've treated me...
You treat people right. That is what the Torah is teaching us. You don't make them listen to bad jokes. Every day...
It's about treating people well. So they don't have to deal with a board...

(Devarim (21:15-17) The son of a despised wife you have to treat well... Even if you despise them. I treat your children well... It could be because of personality. Maybe even ugly...
You don't lose your birthrights to a double portion because your mother is ugly.
We treat the Melvinthal family very kindly in this shul....

(21:20-21) You tell the leaders, ‘This son of ours is wayward and rebellious. He does not obey us. He's a glutton and a guzzler.’ Annoying kids you don't have to treat right...
You teach your child to tattletale... I know you do. I see them at junior congregation... Can I just say that junior congregation is messed up. Why is there a board there?! These kids should not learn about congregation life. It will kill everything about Yiddishkeit... Let them learn to love the traditions without a board... And why did you all cancel the Tehillim group??? No tradition. Just programs. Eating and drinking for no reason.
'A glutton...' I have seen the way you guys eat at Kiddish... What do you do to him? You pelt him with stones. Any child who doesn't listen to their parents, and eats too many Stella D'oro chocolate holes, stone him... Too much Kishka, where I don't get any. Whack them... You share at Kiddish.
I have seen the way you guys eat at Kiddish... What do you do to him? You pelt him with stones. Some Bar Mitzvah boys need more than a fruit jelly thrown at them. That's how you keep people in line... Merv keeps them listening in conversation, with force.
We have a wayward board... Yes. You have to warn them. Myself and the Chazan have warned them... Stone the board...
You like this, because it's complaining about your kids. It's like sitting at a board meeting... All you do is complain. We should pelt the parents. If these kids listened to you guys, as parents, they would be wayward... 

Why mention the son now? The rabbis say it's because when you marry these people you get a wayward child... Either that, or if you send them to junior congregation here. I have seen how messed up these kids are... The Bima is not a jungle gym. It's where the Chazin Davens from...
It's the board. If you have a board like Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah, you have wayward children.
When a congregation talks Lashon Hara all the time, you have wayward children... They think they can talk about everybody, because all you do is Yent... If your spouse heard you Yentaing, they wouldn't have wanted to marry you... No wayward children speaking Lashon Hara...
Marry good people. Go to Israel and meet somebody.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The main theme to the rabbi's sermons is that he hates the board. I picked up on that weeks ago.
If we got rid of the board, Mashiach would come. That was the lesson at the rabbi's class last week.

The rabbi is not a fan of the new weekly bulletin about what people are doing. I think it is less because of Lashon Hara, and more because he can't stand the people. He definitely hates the board. 
I do like how he took Yenta and turned it into a verb.

The rabbi quoted Chazal, or 'the rabbis.' When he does that, he doesn't know the source. He could've just said he doesn't know the source. But he said Chazal. He could've probably just looked at Rashi. He thinks it's less lazy to say Chazal.

The announcements always have misspellings. This week, they misspelled 'announcements.' Family names have no chance of normal spelling. They stopped dedications, as too many members were mad that their deceased family members were given different names.
And they wonder why people don’t donate money to the shul. They’re donating in other people’s names. The Minkowitz family is giving millions, and the Minobergs are getting the credit.
 
The rabbi is trying to make money off the shul again. This time everybody is worried he is claiming abuse, as they have taken him captive. I think he's threatening a lawsuit. The board is worried. Merv is worried, and scared to tell jokes. 
Fluorescent colors in the shul is messed up, and abusive to God. Whoever put up the fluorescence should be stoned. I'm a captive to neon lights.      
The Melventhals are not good looking. But they are kind people. Thus, the rabbi is nice to them, and doesn't make fun of they way they look.
 
The new announcements about what people are doing has added a level of excellent gossip to Kiddish. More people are showing up to shul now. The better this new weekly announcement about member activities, the more people show up for the commentary.
As we have learned, shul is about numbers. The board has discussed getting rid of the Mincha service, so that there is more of an evening cafe-bar focus in the shul.

The rabbi is at war with the congregation right now. He is defending tradition and decent babkas at Kiddish.