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The Tisha BAv food drive is going to take place on the fast day itself. We know that you give food you don't like. Disgusting food, like peas and carrots. So, the Chesed people aren't worried that it'll make you hungry.
We’re also looking to encourage poor people to mourn with us, and we believe that your food donations of canned vegetables, and bad purchase like almond butter, will help.
The break-fast will take place at the Schwartz's home. Hopefully they'll cook something decent this year.
We did tell them that nobody likes ground chicken schnitzel. They apologize for last year’s chicken schnitzel fopaux. They said they’ll be sure to not grind up decent food this year.
We are going to have Effie do Anim Zmirot from now on. He’s the best kid and he has proven to be the most violent. The Gabai doesn't want to get between the fourth-grade boys fighting over who is going to lead services. He has a family and needs to stay healthy for them.
The cause of baseless hatred is taking too long with Mishebeyrachs. We understand you want to bless your family, the shul, your neighborhood, all of Klal Yisrael, the Olam, and all of your cousins by name, but people want to eat Shabbat lunch. From now on, you can’t steal more than twelve minutes of davening with one Aliyah.
The board has decided that if you're wealthy enough, we can wait.
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My People…
I was late. I was stuck behind Herman. He’s a very slow walker. Then, I made the mistake of holding the door for him…
Herman. You caused Davening to take another forty minutes this week, when you went up for your Aliyah… We had to wait for you to get up. Walk faster… Then get a better walker… You made us wait in shul too. You should’ve skipped the Mishebeyrachs. Those blessings for your family were way too long… There’s a certain point where you don’t bless everybody by name… Like your friends in the office…
You just make us wait, Herman… And Bernie is worse…
(Devarim 1:6) H’ tells the Jews, ‘You’ve been at this mountain long enough.’ ‘Rav Lachem’ are the words used. ‘It’s too much for you.’ ‘It’s too much for you to be here.’ Couldn’t dwell at Har Chorev. We were in shul way too long today, thanks to Herman... It felt like we were dwelling here. THat's the length. Too much.
They were at Sinai long enough. At some point, it’s too much. God wants you out. Move on. Get out… Yes. Reuven. You’re now twenty-eight years old. Get out of the house… It’s your parent’s house. 'It's too much for you.' The proper way of telling people you want them out.
Being at this shul is too much for me. Twelve years with you. Pain… I understand H’ may have not been talking about pain. I’m talking about how painful it is… There’s a certain amount of time where it turns into pain. The third month in this shul…
Topeka is too much for you… 'It's too much for you.' That's what I've been trying to tell you for the past twelve years... It's a proper way of trying to get people to leave, Bernie...
The Mishebeyrachs are too much. Too much for this congregation.
Not all of your kids can lead davening. Just Effie…. It’s too much. Too much fighting. Too many messed up Aliyahs by the Gabai... It's too much for you. I've told the Gabai this for years. Can't get rid of him...
This all causes hatred. We have Tisha BAv tonight. And there is hatred because of how you act at shul. The Mikdash Miat. The Small Temple, and there is so much hatred. It’s all too much. Can you imagine what happened when the Gabai called up the wrong lamb for the sacrifice?...
It’s too much for all of us.
It’s too much for the Schwartzs to host. They can’t cook…. As long as there's split pea soup and croutons, that's all you need... Need the soup nuts and split pea soup to break the fast... Tradition.
What does 'too much for you' mean? In this congregation, it means 'I can't help out.' If cleaning is needed after Kiddish, 'I can't help out... I've got to leave my paper plate on the table.' If Herman needs help moving, 'I can't help out. I'm sitting.' If Tzedakah is needed, 'I can't help out. I worked overtime last week. That's my money. I can't pay dues either...'
Rashi quotes Sifrei and explains ‘Rav Lachem’ to mean that God has given the Jewish people ‘much greatness’ at the mountain ‘as a reward for having lived there.’
H’ gave us ‘the Mishkan , the menorah… the Torah… Sandhedrin, and leaders.’ At some point, you have to move on. It's too much to baby you. H' has already given you enough here... I have given so much to you. Please leave. Sorry. I mean to say, 'It's too much for you'...
When you become passive, it’s over. You can't depend on me for every little thing. Move on. Stop bothering me with your questions. It's too much…
You need to learn something to move on… You don’t have a Mishkan… Is this a Tabernacle, Bernie?... You don’t show up to shul…
Your parents should’ve taught you to cook. You can move out now, Reuven.
You should’ve learned how to daven… Getting rid of some of the membership wouldn’t be bad...
Chorev is Sinai. Learn something… It’s painful dealing with you. It’s too much to explain everything to you…
(Devarim 1:12) Moshe goes on, ‘How can I bear your trouble, your burden, and your strife all by myself?’ That's how I feel. You're a burden... No strife? Have you heard Harriet at Kiddish? And then the Sheytel committee???!!! Strife.
Rashi translates ‘trouble’ to show that the Israelites were troublesome… You do follow tradition. And that is beautiful. Yes. It’s troublesome. You're troublesome.
You don't care about your leader. That's why its too much for me too. When Moshe brings up the idea of having other leaders, (Devarim 1:14) the people responded to Moshe, ‘What you say is good.’ Like they wanted him out. I get the feeling you’re ungrateful… Did you ever say, 'Rabbi. You know. Maybe you should have the honor of opening the ark for Anim Zmirot.' Ungrateful... I can take Effie...
It's all too much, because you mess things up. H' realized that it was enough at Har Sinai. The people took what they could... You become complacent. Do messed up stuff.
A Tisha BAv food drive. Why is everything a food drive?... I understand that Chesed is the big thing now... I think that mourning the loss of the Temple is much kinder than giving a poor person food on a fast day… It’s troublesome. You're troublesome. You're a burden. You even cause strife with poor people... They're taking this messed up food you give them and now they're mad at this congregation... Yes. They're saying it's not enough.
Tu BAv, the holiday of love is coming up. I hope you are less trouble... You're Shidduch for Shaindy last year was messed up. Too much... Take it easy on the singles. Your messed up Shidduch ideas are too much... Forget about the fact that they live 3,000 miles away and don't speak English. You suggested a bouncy house. A bouncy house?... I understand that Campy Castle is fun. They're thirty-five... When something is for two and up, you look off going at thirty-five. Especially when you're single. It's wrong...
Put the singles in your Mishebeyrachs. You can help the single people...
Oy. It's too much.
The rabbi just gave up at the end of his sermon. He even threw up his arms as he left the podium.
It seems like a large part of the sermon was the rabbi trying to get the members to leave the shul. He wanted them to leave Topeka. To never come back to our city again. I think he feels that our congregants are too much for the county.
The rabbi ended up composing a new Piyut, hymn, called 'It's too much for you.' In the Piyut for Tisha BAv, he has an acrostic that says 'The members of Congregation Beis Emes uSefilah are very annoying.'
It’s hard hearing it from your parents. Can you imagine hearing God tell you it’s time to move out? I don't know how Reuven would take it. I do think he would still stay. He hasn't left his parents house. He's still there.
Reuven has to get out of his parent’s house.
Nobody showed up for shul on Tisha BAv. They showed up for the break-fast. The fasting is too much.
And nobody helped the Schwartz family set it up. It was too much for them. People really don't help with anything in the shul. One of the kids didn't even do Barchu at his Bar Mitzvah. The Gabai called him up. The Bar Mitzvah boy went up to the Torah and said, 'It's too much.'
I think they've missed the message of too much. As the rabbi said, it was about moving on, they've accomplished what they could. The rabbi did say that our membership has accomplished nothing. It might be the other lesson of giving to other people that the rabbi feels our congregation can connect with. 'Give to the community by leaving us... It's too much for you. Give to others.'
The Schwartzs had no idea people were coming for the break-fast. They thought that since they didn't come on Tisha BAv, they wouldn't come for the break-fast. To note, the reason people didn't come on Tisha BAv is that there was no food at shul.
The break-fast had split pea soup. You need split pea soup with croutons to break a fast. They scored big with that split pea. It saved the break-fast.
I was thinking about the break-fast the whole sermon. I was worried about fasting. Once the rabbi mentioned Tisha BAv, I had a nervous breakdown. I ran home and ate the rest of the day.
Everybody started saying 'It's too much for you.' It was the new code for 'I don't want to speak to you.' The congregation became very passive aggressive.
Herman walks very slow. That's not a question. Calling him up to the Torah for an Aliyah is too much for everybody.
Herman had the rabbi find his Mishebeyrach list. That took five minutes; which was less time than it would've taken for Herman to get back to his seat. And then he did a twenty minute Mishebeyrach or so.
The new Mishebeyrach rules have been charted. The first rule is 'get the blessings over with, quick.' The bylaw reads, 'Nobody cares about your family and your friends. Don't say all their names.'
Effie is a bit of davening bully. He tells all the other kids he’s better than them.
The parents were mad, hearing their kids aren’t good. They already know their kids aren’t good at sports. Now they’re hearing they’re not good Jewish leaders.
Shul troubles. There are many. And it is all because the congregants do stuff. I believe that anything they do is too much.
People should never set people up. I believe there wouldn't be so many single Jews right now, if people wouldn't try to help. If people didn't help, people would get married. They would probably date people they're attracted to.
We thought the rabbi was saying he wanted to retire. He wanted a raise. If Moshe would’ve just said he wanted a raise to deal with the people, they would've foregone the other leaders idea that Moshe was bringing up. He should've just said he wanted a raise to deal with the issues.
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I was going to do Kaparos before Yom Kippur, but I chickened out.
You get it? Kaparos is the tradition of placing your sins on something else, the day before Yom Kippur, traditionally a chicken, and waiving it. He chickened out of the chicken. He might've done it with money in the end. But that would still be without a chicken.
Designated stroller parking area. Something every shul needs, so I can get through the entrance on Yom Kippur... Truth is they should have stroller parking all the time. The entrance is always blocked.
Problem: Merv and Bernie will end up parking there. They already take the disabled parking spots and walk just fine. When it comes to parking, every member of our congregation is disabled.
Side Note: Figured out why so many kids come to shul on Yom Kippur. Because they get to eat in shul on Yom Kippur.