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There's leftover cheesecake from Shavuot. You can take some home, as everyone over-purchased. Cheesecake is very expensive. You can take it and feel like you did the right thing. We're trying to bring holiday happiness, and nothing brings more Simcha to our members than a deal. Next year, we suggest to not purchase more than eight cakes for a family of three.
Softball team tryouts will be on Sunday. You have to make it to the list to sign up. If you do that, you're on the team. If you can't walk to the field, you can't be on the team. We need people that can walk this year.
If there is rain, you should still come to shul. Davening does not get rained out. There are no rain delays for Mincha.
Many men are angry they've been getting Galilah, and not Hagba. There is a reason why you're rolling the Torah and not lifting it. The role of lifting the Torah takes strength. To quote the Gabai, 'Work out. You're scrawny.'
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Drove...
Levites are important too... I know they sit in the back and talk.
They counted the Leviim... They did work back then, for the Temple... That is correct. They served the community. The Levites in our shul don't help. They haven't helped for years. They didn't even slice the cheesecake for the Shavuot Kiddish...
No reason to give any tithes to them... Sam. You haven't done one Levite duty. Opening a juice factory is not a Levite duty. It's a business... You want the business and the tithe... Showing up to shul and helping roll the Torah. That’s a duty... Have you ever rolled a Torah to the right Parsha... You can't even find Bereishit...
They're weak... Most of the congregation is out of shape.
That's why we also lose the softball league every year. It's for out of shape people and we lose. We're more out of shape than out of shape people... Leviim can't even walk up for an Aliyah. They can't make it around the bases... Would they have been able to take apart the curtains of the Tabernacle and hauled them through the desert??? Sam. Stop. You hire farmers to help... Well your last name is Levi. And you get mad at the Gabai for not calling you up ot the Torah. Chutzpah...
He can't call you up for Hagba. You're too out of shape... Maybe two columns. It’s pathetic...
The Levites have families. Gershon, Kehat and Merari. I don't think one full family has shown up to shul in... Sam. You're not part of any of them... Make up your mind... It's not about benefits... Lineage back to Levi is good enough...
All impure people are sent out of the camp... It's not a summer camp. They didn't have tennis and boating... The kids are disgusting. Dirty as anything. And then... It was a desert!!!
They had arts and crafts. They had shop. They built the Tabernacle... That was the activity.
(Bamidbar 5:1-3) 'And H' spoke... Command the children of Israel and send from the camp all those who have Tzaraas... contaminated by a human corpse... expel them, so they should not contaminate their camps that I live within...' We would never get a Minyin. This whole congregation is impure.
You can't roll the Torah if you have Tzaraas... It's dirt. Might be Tzaraas. The kids at camp are just filthy. They have rest time. They have letter time. No shower time... If they do, they have to enforce it...
We need the bad athletes off the softball team... Even if they're counted onto the team. Expel them to the stands... We don't need the 'spirit, yes we do'... This impurity is killing our shul's reputation...
Impure people can’t join the community. Weak people can’t lift the Torah or join the softball team. Levites in our shul can’t do anything… No ability… Look at the Parsha. You had tasks… Now that we know Sam isn't a Levite…
Thought services were rained out??? The rain excuse again?! Weakness is what that is. If you can't show up to Minyin because of rain... Then clean your hair before putting on Tefillin... Rain deosn't contaminate. Mikvahs are built with...
No rain delays in shul. Think of it as a domed stadium. The Anshei Emes USefilah Dome, with non-athletic people...
The softball league also doesn’t have rain delays… It’s not hardball. The most exciting thing in the game is if somebody slips...
You were hoping for rain delays, because you’re lazy and weak… And you’re a very impure congregation… The Chazin davening is enough of a delay. The way he leads services has us staying for an extra half hour. His rendition of the Amidah is a delay...
Sam. You don't work when it's sunny out. I've you heard you call off work due to sun delays...
The Halacha is that you shouldn't run into a shul as shelter from the rain... It's disrespectful, like you talking now. Bernie. That's why it's a law... If there is nowhere else to find shelter. If you can't find a tree... So, you get wet. You came in and for a minute... You left when the rain stopped... If you're coming in to get out of the rain, you have to pretend like you came to shul, and join the Minyin... Tons of members don't have decent air-conditioning. That's why we get a Minyin when it's very hot... It's Halachikaly wrong if you don't stay for Minyin... But the new central air is amazing. Trust me. Check out Sadie's seat...
Shul doesn’t have rain delays or Levis who work as Levis... It would be nice if people showed up next Shavuot... You stay up all night when it's not Shavuot...
They slept right through Shavuot learning. The congregants couldn't even stay up for the all night learning till 1am.
Finding out Sam Levi is not a Levite was a bit of a shocker to all of us. That's confusing. The weird thing is that he always leaves the shul for Musaf on holidays. Now we know he doesn't go out to wash the Kohens' hands. He's just taking breaks.
Who's been washing the Kohen's hands all these years?
The rabbi is correct. We're an out of shape shul. Most of the Leviim can't even walk up to get their Aliyah. Now, we don't even know if there are any real Levis in the shul, or people who just sneak out and steal Aliyahs.
The rabbi started a shul gym class. The problem is that most of the members are contaminated and they were all sent out of the class.
Rained out??? That's how you know people are weak. If you can't walk in the rain. I think some of the members are embarrassed. They think their reputation in town will get hurt if they're seen walking in the rain.
The board mentioned that people walking in the rain look homeless. Which is how we came up with surrogate members. This way other people show in your stead and nobody is embarrassed. The problem is that we needed Jews.
A lot of congregants do take advantage of the shul. Some have tried to shower in the sinks. When we had a drought, they were all in shul. They think of the shul more like a foodbank. The whole prayer and learning thing hasn’t caught on in our community yet. Maybe in another fifteen or so years. The rabbi is trying. He even told everybody to learn the thirteenth chapter in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch. It’s less than a page. I don’t even think our membership can translate the name of the book.
The Gabai blamed for everything. All I we ever here at Kiddish is the men talking about 'why Galila?' I even told some of them, 'You haven't hit the gym. You're scrawny as anything.' I told them they should join our crossfit class. The men are so lazy and weak. They can't them Hagba.
The rabbi instituted the Chabad style Hagba recently, where you do the rolling on the table, due to lack of strength.
Why the Gabai used the word ‘scrawny’ was a bit much. He sounded like a bully from the ‘70s. At the time it was a bit much, but once I used it, I thought it fit Tzivi's body type.
We haven't been getting a lot of people at shul recently. Some still use COVID as an excuse.
Tons of people showed for Yizkur. The memorial stuff draws a lot of people. The rabbi wants to start having more Yizkur services. He mentioned having one every Shabbat, so we can be sure to get a Minyin.
A lot of people showed. I haven't seen some of them in a really long time. I thought they were dead. It's good I didn't call Fran's kids to extend my condolences. There were around 80 wheelchairs. To draw more people the board is trying to figure out if we should get rid of seats, for the wheelchair space. The buses in town do it.
Yizkur appeal cards were handed out. The rabbi gave a big speech. He really performs when it comes to dead people. He knows how to get people to flip over the $1,800 donation. The pre-Yizkur appeal speech had them with the idea of getting their relatives out of hell for $1,800. I think the fundraising committee is going to start using that around Yahrzeit times too. We just have to let the congregants know that it's not a one-time fee. Hel can sneak up at anytime there's Yizkur or a Yahrzeit.
It's good we don't do the census stuff anymore. It would be pathetic to count three heads.
I like when the announcements have suggestions, like not to over-purchase cheesecake. It goes bad. Babkas can last years. Cheesecakes will go bad, even in the fridge. You can freeze them, but then you have to wait a week to eat it.
Next week, they should make a suggestion for people to wear raincoats when it's raining. They should also put in a note of no umbrellas. The people using umbrellas look so not religious, sinning on Shabbat.
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They wanted to clean the silver on the Torah. Instead, they Polished it.
You get it? People from Poland are Polish. They should‘ve polished the silver. Nobody knows what it means. Maybe put a Polish person on it. If you're Polish, we do not mean to offend you. At the Kibbitzer, we are sure that many Polish know how to polish very well.
The Jerusalem Shofar carrying bag and water bottle. Perfect for when you need to blow the Shofar on a Tiyul. (saying something about a Shofar on a hike was where our creativity on this joke came to a halt)