Sermons of Rebuke III: Tetzaveh

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We know our congregants like to complain. We just ask that the complaints make sense and follow a logical flow. You can’t tell a Baal Tefillah that they’re leading too fast, and then to tell them they’re leading too slow.​

No more tie-dye.

We want to commend Mark on his new suit. It’s an Angeleno. He has been showing it to everybody at Kiddish.
We ask our congregants stop buying husky suits. They look portly. We have a very portly congregation. We believe that if people buy athletic suits, they’ll look more athletic. They'll still be portly, but athletic. Athletic portly is what we're looking for in our congregants.

Upcoming Class: How Not to Look Like an Idiot in Shul.

The Gabai of our shul is bad. We know it. We apologize. We have no idea of how to get rid of him. It seems to be shul tradition to have a really bad Gabai.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Shemot 28:12) The stones with the names of the tribes on them were to be put on the Efod. ‘Aharon shall carry their names before H’ on both his shoulders for a remembrance.’ He did not carry them in his hands. He didn't do a juggling act with the stones... Then how would he do the service? He needed his hands... You don’t need your hands, because you don’t help. You don’t remember to help. And you can’t even do farmers carries with eight pounds...
To remember. Wherever Aharon went in the Temple, he reminded H’ of us... You can’t even remember when the time of Minyin is. Your wife should walk around with ‘go to shul’ on her shoulders...  Then you might show on time, Walter... For Aharon to remember as well. Though he couldn't see it...

We have to constantly be reminded. At least Fran. You have to constantly remind her to take the choolante out of the oven... You burn it every week Fran.

(28:29) The Urim and Tumim went into the breastplate... ‘Aharon shall carry the judgment of Bnei Yisrael on his heart. before H’, always.’ It was there, where judgment was to be decided, where the names of the tribes were also present as a remembrance...
Justice needs to be near the heart. Compassion. If it wasn’t for the judge remembering Shloimy from racquetball, he would've gotten the parking ticket...

(Sforno) Having the names of the tribes on his heart inspired the Kohen Gadol to pray for the nation. I have never been inspired to pray for the congregants of this shul. And we have a list of all the members who haven't paid their dues...
Our Chazin is a letdown... You wouldn’t even know who you’re praying for. You forget... You have to be reminded. Constantly... Then write the names on your heart...
Our Gabai is a letdown. Our Kohanim don’t even remember how to Duchin... You don't remember how to give Kavods correctly... Got to remind these guys. They space out.
If you all wrote stuff down...

Rashi (28:12) ‘That H’ should see the tribes written before Him, and He should remember their righteousness.’ If it was our congregation, H’ would remember your annoyingness, and...
You just want to complain... You told him he was Davening too fast. Then told him he is Davening too slow... What’s a Chazin supposed to do?!
New rule. Nobody can share their opinions. Everybody has one, and it’s a complaint...
I tell the Chazin he is bad. I tell the Baal Tefilah that he shouldn't be leading because he is messed up. That is OK... I am not complaining. I am making the shul a place that children will want to remember and visit when they're older... A shul without this Chazin, Gabai and board...
Complaining is not a reminder. 

Constant reminders are important. Constant reminders how to dress is also important. You look like idiots.
Tie-dye has to stop. Or I am out of here... I can’t have congregants who don't even wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis...
Saying ‘It’s a’ does not make it a good suit... What’s an 'Angeleno'?! Angeleno is the name of the company. It's not classy just because you stressed the last name of the company...
Shimon is not husky. It’s the suit. If he bought an athletic suit, he would look athletic.
The guys in our shul will never be in shape. We accept that. We just ask that they try to keep their suits in shape... It just looks better... 

You don't remember how to give Kavods correctly...
No. You really are a bad Gabai... The fights between Mariv in Shmuel are because you don’t know how to give Kibudim. Your honor giving ability is off... And you shouldn’t be calling yourself... It’s not a fair amount to ask Yochanan once a month and Felvel twice a day. And yourself before them... You don't even end up asking them... Because you say yes to yourself...
You’re a bad Gabai. Almost as bad as the board. Maybe if you remembered their names... That's why the wrong person comes up... So. You call up yourself because you can't remember their names?! Write it down...

We have to be reminded daily. Every second the Gabai has to be reminded to be a not annoying person. We have to be reminded to be good Jews constantly... You should wear Tzitzis. Heretics in this place...
You even forgot to say Tehillim for Israel. Who forgets...

Rivka's Rundown
You have to remind everybody in this congregation about everything. They're oblivious to anything that is not them getting an Aliyah. Eighty percent of our congregants forgot there was a war in Israel. Some of the people aren't even posting on social media anymore. But they get up there and get an Aliyah, and it's a half hour of them rattling off every name of every cousin that didn't move to Israel, for the Mishebeyrach. I think their Aliyah to the Torah is holier than people who moved to Israel. It's a messed up understanding of Aliyah.

Due to the rabbi's sermon, many congregants thought it was a good idea to get tattoos. Once the rabbi let them know that it's Asur to get tattoos and you can't see tattoos that are on your back, the Gabai decided it wasn't necessary to tattoo the list of potential Aliyahs.

They told him his Davening was too quick. And they told him his Davening took too long. How do your respond to that?! I am still trying to figure out how to respond to Felvel. You can't.

The congregation is weak, and they don't help. They don't remember to help.
Truth be told, you wouldn't want them to help. Watching them carry stuff and grunting. They help in complaint form. They help with a complaint grunt.
And they are weak. They can't even carry the weights to the rack to lift them.
The rabbi started Chumash carries in the shul. Just so people would start helping. He called it exercise. It worked for a week. Then people forgot to exercise. Due to the rabbi's new program. People stopped using Chumashes too. They forget to learn Torah.

People truly remember nothing in our shul. Choolante is always burned. The Gabai forgets names. You need a second Gabai to remind him. Then the Duchining is messed up. The Kohens forget they're Kohens. I even saw one Kohen washing his own hands.
Everybody in the congregation forgets. The rabbi is correct. He's the only one who remembers they forgot. Fran forgets. She denies it, but she forgets. She forgets that she forgets. She'll argue for days that she didn't forget that she forgot. Not a fun discussion.
The other people forget that tie-dye went out of style in the '90s.

'No more tie-dye' is an actual rule. They kicked three people out of shul on Shabbat, just for having a shirt that had more than one color. It was said that they were too close to tie-dye. It was a Geoffrey Beene. I would hope our congregants had more class than that. It turns out, they put the shirt in a wash with colored laundry.
Tie-dye has to stop. What happened to the white shirt and black pants look?! That seemed to work for Jews on Shabbis for many century.
And then Mark has his Angeleno. What happened to decent suits?! Why do they need to add the names when they talk about their suits? Because they're ugly as sin. I think the guys at shul are easily sold to. When the suit guy pats the shoulders, they buy it. It's hard to say no to that. Anytime somebody pats the shoulders the clothes feel good. That's why so many girls in the '80s were wearing shoulder pads.
Rabbi is correct, you look like the suit you wear. If you wear a portly, you look portly.
​
The class focused on clothes. The rabbi contended that if you dress in non-Shabbis clothes on Shabbis, you will look like an idiot. He then went on to explain how you wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis, because it's Shabbis. To quote: 'You wear Shabbis clothes on Shabbis because it's Shabbis. That's why they are called Shabbis clothes. It's Shabbis.'
Calling the suit by the last name with an 'a' has really made the suits look better.
The fat guys in shul are looking really in shape now, thanks to the huge athletic suits they've been buying. Size 66 athletic suits. Hickey Freeman should be advertising these oversized athletic fit suits. 'The athletic suits that swim in your shoulders and fit just right around your portly belly.' Putting portly in there will help reach our shul's membership clientele.

I have seen many out of shape Jews that look good. As Frum Jews we focus on our clothes, not our bodies.

Every fight in shul is based on what the Gabai does. He doesn't ask the right people to Daven and a war starts.  
The rabbi telling the Gabai that he’s almost as bad as the board is hurtful. The rabbi once told a board member, 'You're on the board.' He usually doesn't curse people like that. I don't know what got him so mad. That comment, telling the board member he's on the board, led to a fisticuffs.