Sermons of Rebuke IV: Tazria

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
The solar eclipse was an amazing event. The clouds were beautiful. We also want to thank Dr. Velnner’s Eye Care Associates for donating the eclipse glasses. They were very safe, as you couldn’t see anything through them.
 
We ask for no gum chewing during services. It turns out that your gum chewing is almost as loud as your phone calls and Chuching.
 
We suggest hiring somebody to clean your home for Pesach. The rabbi has seen many of your homes, and he has declared that you cleaning it will make your home Chametz.
We also require all congregants vacuum their kids before bringing them to shul on Passover. We have seen how disgusting your children are. Last week nobody got Kugel, as it was on little Ben’s shirt.
 
We ask members to calm down when congratulating an Aliyah to the Torah. The high fives are a bit obsessive. You’re scaring families.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Clean. How to say Yashkoych Without Cheering. How to Avoid Bernie and Bad Jokes.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
We are speaking of post childbirth and Tzaraas. Times of separation. Other times of separation are when your rabbi is relaxing in his office... No. It is not office hours. It’s time for your rabbi to separate from you. The office is a private space to get work done... Because you’re a Tamei congregation. Very impure...
The white hairs. So much white hair in this congregation. It’s because of Lashon Hara... It might be because Bernie is in his late eighties. Maybe. I think it’s because of Lashon Hara...

What do we do if we don’t know if the person is Tamei?
(Vayikra 13:21) ‘If the Kohen looks and behold its appearance is lower than the skin and the (Baheres) hair has not turned white... the Kohen quarantines it for seven days.'
If there is a question you still separate. Bernie’s hair is still white. We have so many congregants whose hair has been white for years, and we still have to listen to their bad jokes... Quarantining our membership is suggested. Especially the back left of the men's section...
That is not discoloration. That is just Mrs. Felsman's bad use of makeup.

(Vayikra 13:23) If it doesn’t spread, it is just the ‘scarring of the Baheres’ and he is pure.
White hair is fine. It just depends who has it... If it's on Bernie, it's Tamei.

How do we separate. Separation done properly...
Certain things in this world are off limits. You don’t look at the sun during an eclipse... I know you couldn't see it because of the glasses. But you still don’t look at it. I try not to look at the congregants, so that I can enjoy my Shabbis...
You couldn’t see before the eclipse. Margie, have you ever seen your husband? Not a good-looking man... Then why didn’t you stay in? If you’re worried about going blind... This is why people lost their sight back two thousand years ago. They thought it was night.
I lost my hearing listening to these kids running in the halls. Will Mark finally pick his kid up and take her outside... She's yelling Mark. Are you the only one in the congregation that doesn't hear it?!... It's your daughter Mark. These kids are like little balls of Tzaras... Yes. Quarantine them to junior congregation.

If they make noise, quarantine them. A corner of the shul for people who make noise...
Your phone calls at daily Minyin are loud. But now we have to hear you chewing gum???!!! Are you just trying to find ways to make noise?! Is next going to be page ruffling.
A corner for people who chew gum. Next to the old single people who scare kids.

It’s about separation and purity... If they are trying and things are not getting worse, we can let them in... The back left of the shul is always getting worse and balder...
Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?! Quarantine them to junior congregation.
The kids should be quarantined to a junior congregation room of Chametz on Pesach. Your kids are disgusting. There is no way they are not full of Chametz. The way they eat, nothing goes in the mouth... We will not have little kindergarten Chametz balls walking around our congregation on Pesach...
There is no way the Matzah does not turn into Chametz when left on your child's shirt for three days with their drool...

We need to also get rid of the excitement area of the shul... To make it a place people want to be.
The overly excited handshake area. Every Aliyah it's like a guy hit a home run... You were yelling, ‘Awesome!’ What was awesome? It's an Aliyah. The guy did nothing... The guy reading the Torah. Maybe high five him... Not excessive??? You jumped on his back and poured grape juice over his head like it was a Super Bowl win...
You're the people we end up speaking Lashon Hara about.

And then you hurt the guy. We had to pull out the first aid kit when he broke his back and had a heart attack from the freezing grape juice...
Maybe go back to fist bumping. It's safer. Or self-quarantine. That will be better for me...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi redefined office hours and his time in shul. He just set himself up to never have to speak to congregants. My rabbi is such a Talmid Chacham.
Office hours used to be a time to meet with the rabbi. Now it's time alone with a shut door. I believe he changed the name to 'Closed Office Hours' in the bulletin. It might have been written as 'Office Hours Without Congregants Bothering the Rabbi.'

The rabbi went off on how pale the congregation is. He said the light reflecting off Bernie's pale forehead made it so bright in shul, an eclipse was necessary to be able to follow the Torah reading.
I've never seen a rabbi try so hard to bring proof from the Torah that Bernie should not be a congregant.
Bernie did say the rabbi's speech went too long. That was his only complaint.

The solar eclipse was a huge community event. We all got together and so clouds. The clouds got dark for a minute, and then they got brighter. It went from grey to black to grey.
Everybody was so worried about going blind, they all went out to see the eclipse. I believe everybody will be healthy. The glasses were definitely safe to use. You couldn’t see with them. It was like looking through cardboard. If cardboard is covering your eyes and you can't see, that ensures safety.

The kids are loud at shul.  I want to see a parent yell at their child, ‘Shut the --- up.' That would be nice to see. The parents should keep their kids quiet and let them know, 'We’re in shul!!! Do you not notice that the only one being loud is Bernie, and nobody likes him?! And the men in the back high fiving. Nobody likes them either. So, be quiet and be somebody people like.’ I would even applaud and support them as the assistant rabbi.
They make the Aliyah out to be the biggest thing. The guy opening the ark got tackled out of Yashkoyachness last week. It’s crazy.

Max does page ruffle too. He's loud.

Some of these kids never shower. Disgusting little things. They should sweep the kids on Shabbis. They’re like little Chametz balls. When doing the Bdika, checking for Chametz, the parents should see if they have children. Run a light over the child. Check hands, shirts, pockets, ears for Chametz.

The rabbi did whatever he could. People are still showing up to shul. He tried.