Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shemini

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
​Please hold off on telling people you are in shul when you answer a call in shul. We all know you are answering the phone in shul.

Our congregants are not friendly. If anybody fist bumps you, they’re trying to make you more religious. They’re trying to do Kiruv on you. If they smile or say ‘Shalom’ to you, they’re trying to make you more religious. 
They would not say 'Hello' to you if they knew you.

We suggest you run from your home now. We’ve seen how not dirty some of you keep the shul. We do not believe that any of you will be able to make your home Kosher for Pesach.

We ask people to sing Lecha Dodi with normal voices. We have no idea why everybody started singing in a high pitch harmony last Shabbat.

Contemporary Halacha: This Tuesday Shiur on how to sing like a normal person and not Pinny, and how to clean your home for Pesach.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Vayikra 9:22-24) Sfas Emes teaches that Aharon had a desire to bless the people after completing his first day of service... For some reason I have not felt that since becoming the Mora DAsra of this congregation... All you do is curse Max. Under your breath, you curse. We all know it’s a curse. When you say, ‘This piece of...’ It’s not a piece of a sacrifice... Nobody in our shul makes a decent piece of brisket. You're not requesting a dinner from our membership that can't cook.
I have never been to a dinner at a congregant's home and felt a desire to bless... I still do Birkat Hamazon.

(Vayikra 9:24) The people saw the fire that came down on the Altar and consume the elevation-offering and the fats. ‘The people saw and they sang joyous song and fell upon their faces.’ They were elated. Kind of like when Magic Johnson won the NBA title in 1987. And they sang good songs.
There is nothing joyous about singing in this congregation... They had decent voices, Pinny. You can't serve Gd as a nation with really bad voices, cursing out everybody in the congregation... Because it's not joyous, Bernie. Even your singing sounds like a curse. It is a curse!!!
When you sing, the last thing I want to do is bless...

(Vayikra 10:1) Nadav and Avihu are killed for bringing an ‘alien fire’... Hearing the people of our shul sing is like a foreign sacrifice. Your singing is an unwanted service... This has nothing to do with illegal immigrants. Why you go there with every sermon I give now. Last time I was talking about cleaning for Pesach and you said I was offensive to illegal immigrants... I said nothing about immigration...

You being on your phone is not what they would’ve done. You can't sing on the phone... Stop. You were on the phone. You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said, ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you had a conversation... Yes. We all heard. You were five times louder than you are when you say 'Amen.' You have more Kavanah answering your phone... I know it’s a phone. You don’t have to speak louder. Yelling doesn't help them hear you more five hundred miles away...
You said, 'I am in shul right now.' You even said, 'I can't talk.' But you were talking. Exactly. And the rest of the congregation thought you were doing harmony... Because you sounded better than them...

Serve H' correctly, with joy, without Bernie or Pinny singing, or Max talking on the phone, and people will want to join our congregation. People will want to praise H'.
What’s with the fist bump? The kid is not going to be religious... Nobody serves H' with a fist bump. You don't pound it for Gd... You’re not cool. You’re fifty-six. We shake hands in shul. COVID ended...
Stop. You’re the least friendly person I have ever met. And then you start giving fist bumps. People can see right through the fist. Stop pounding...

Nothing brings togetherness here. Even the singing separates people here. It makes people not want to pray.
And why all the high pitch singing... There is no melody. You’re harmonizing. The whole shul is like an amalgamation of the Bee Gees and Aaron Neville... His brothers sung melody.

And please clean up the shul... Go away for Pesach. The dirt...
I try to find some goodness.
(Vayikra 10:3) Comforting Aharon Moshe tells him what H’ said: ‘I will be sanctified with those that are close to me. and I will be honored before the entire people.' How that comforted Aharon after his sons died. I don’t know. I do know that we should get rid of our congregants. That would sanctify H’.

Rivka's Rundown
Even when Max says ‘Hi’ it sounds like he’s cursing me. I might just be taking his Chuching the wrong way.
He just talks on the phone in the middle of services, like it’s fine. Then he shushes people for talking. He thinks people don’t hear him on the other side of the phone. He talks so loud. It’s like he feels that since they’re on the other side of the country and really far, he has to yell.
I think he has gotten to the point where he can't hear very well. That's why old people offend other people. They're thoughts are real loud, but they don't hear them. They think it's coming out in a thought and it's a loud yell with a Chuch for exclamation. 

Everything the rabbi says now is considered racist. He said we should have more fruit at Kiddish and people said that's against illegal aliens.
I can’t believe the rabbi said COVID ended. That offended people more than the racism of saying people have to clean for Pesach.
Truth is the fist bump is getting annoying. They pound people, thinking it's cool and that they will want to be Frum, because a a sixty-year-old with a long beard pounded. Some of the eighty-year-olds have no control. They end up hitting people. It’s amazing how strong they still are.

I think the rabbi just wanted to not see congregants on Pesach. It had nothing to do with them having dirty homes.

I don’t know what it is with the high pitch in our shul. They all think they're in Miami Boys Choir.
I hear the singing and I start thinking about cursing. I am cursing under my breath. I can't wait till I get older and curse louder.

I think the cleaning your home for Pesach is just an adjunct to the class. The Halach part is about how to sing like a normal person. That is truthfully what bothers the rabbi.