Sermons of Rebuke III: Pikudei

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We truly ask you all to not sing harmony anymore. You all sing different songs, and they all sound bad. Due to your singing, the rabbi, the Chazin, the Gabai, the membership, the guests of the Bar Mitzvah, the janitor and the secretary who doesn’t come on Shabbat, don’t want to be in shul.

Our shul’s matchmakers are asking for Shidduch resumes. If you want to apply for a Shidduch call Mrs. Bergstein. She messed up my marriage.

Volunteering for Israel Opportunities: Ten-thousand-dollar BBQ donations. Car rally carpool hosts. Lox for Chayal Breakfast Day.

Snow Advisory is not an excuse for not coming to shul when there is no snow.

Upcoming Classes: How to Not Sing in Shul. Writing a Shidduch Resume: How to Make Yourself Look Decent. How to Volunteer by Not Coming to Shul Ever Again.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
It’s the last Parsha in Shemot... We will be reading the Torah next week too. It’s every week, Bernie. We finish and continue. That's tradition...

(Shemot 39:2) ‘And he made...’ He did it correctly. He didn’t start making an artistic Ephod. This wasn’t Hillel Hebrew High art class...
It’s important to do things right. Not like our board... Yes. I'm looking at the president.

(39:21) ‘They attached the Breastplate (Chosen) from its rings to the rings of the Ephod with a cord... and the Chosen did not move from upon the Ephod, as H’ commanded Moshe.’ You don't construct like an idiot... Yes. I'm looking at the president who decided to do renovations on the sanctuary.
When you build things right, they don’t move. They stay in one spot. The lectern has moved five times this sermon. Who puts a rabbi’s pulpit on wheels?...
If you followed H’s commandments and didn’t do stupid stuff, the pulpit would be normal.

You mess up everything... H’ did not command you to sing harmony... Then why do you sound so bad?... Etz Chaim Hee was never meant to be sung like that... It's bad.
No singing is what I propose... You mess up every song. It’s not harmony. Definitely not melody. If you don't sing, you can't mess it up... We will start chanting everything...

Who is asking for Shidduch Resumes... Who are Mark and Freida to be hiring people as husbands?!... I am against it. Not one of our members is qualified to work as a spouse.
Applying for Shidduchs?! These people can’t get a job at Yossi’s Falafel stand. And Mrs. Bergstein has to stop getting involved. She ruins too many relationships...
We're talking about doing things right, as Gd commanded. Gd did not command a whole community to get involved in Chaim's relationships... I know he doesn't have credentials for a job as husband... Your resume shows nothing Chaim. No references...

It's about correct action. What have you done for Israel? War is happening. Did you take pictures in an orange grove? Did you pick stuff. A BBQ... Two hundred dollars does'nt make a BBQ people want to be at? Giving them hotdogs? The soldiers deserve better than donations from our congregants... What does H' want? People to be satisfied and blessed. You can't even do that right, with your chicken dogs. 

What Mitzvahs do you do right.
Don’t even show to shul when there is no snow... An advisory??? Have you ever taken decent advice?... Then how did you get involved with Hermie?! His resume is off.

(Shemot 39:2) They put the stones on the shoulders of the Ephod ‘stones of remembrance for Bnei Yisrael, as H’ commanded Moshe.’ When commandments are done right, they’re remembered.
Nobody wants to remember the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes USefilah, who buy chicken dogs for Israeli soldiers... Chicken dogs are not good. This isn't the 1930s. They're going to war for us, Bernie.
We need to give H' a reason to remember us for good. For doing Mitzvahs right. For not messing up the rabbi's pulpit. What is this? It just moved again. I have to lean on the thing and brace it the whole sermon... I bear the pain of the shul on my shoulders.
It's very painful. Just hearing you sing.

If things are done wrong, they will never be remembered. And that is why everybody wants to forget the board. 
I am trying to forget the singing. But it's too painful. It's stuck in my head. Bernie and Max's harmony is stuck in my head. Everywhere I go, I hear this awful noise. Like a wringing in my ear...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi summed up tradition beautifully when he told Bernie that tradition has nothing to do with Bernie.

The lectern on wheels makes no sense. The thing moves. The small shtender by the rabbi's seat was also put on wheels. All of Davening the rabbi had to chase his shtender with his seat. He was sliding all over the shul. And they didn't put wheels on the rabbi's chair. Now the whole place is scuffed up. 
The board was rethinking where the rabbi speaks from. They had a meeting last week to re-discuss which way Mizrach is.

The singing is painful. It hurts. Nothing is on tune. The chanting was even off tune.
I believe the announcement was more against the members than their singing. I believe the message was that nobody wants to be in shul because of the presence of members.

I am for Shidduch resumes. If a man is looking to marry me right now, it's a job. They've better have credentials to be my spouse. I put it out there. Only men with previous marriages.
Interviews are also important. I interview them. Questions asked when applying for job of my spouse. Do you make a lot of money? What's your salary?
That announcement was aimed at Mrs. Bergstein. She does get too involved. Come to think of it, she ruined my last marriage. And then she tried setting me up with somebody. She's a divorce chaser. She gets marriages broken, then she makes money off the Shidduch.

By the way. You have to be a talented chef to get a job at Yossi's Falafel stand. And Chaim has no references because he hasn't been married. If you speak to Jill's reference, he hates her. They were married for twelve years and she wants full custody.

I can’t afford the volunteer opportunities. It’s too expensive to volunteer in Israel nowadays.
The Cars For Israel car rally carpool host concept was self-defeating. The idea of the rally was to have a lot of cars driving with Israeli flags and signs on them. People went eight in a car to save on gas and Israel had very little support. 120 people showed and there were only thirteen cars.
And the cars were beeping as the cars in front were going too slow. I told our driver to not beep, as you're supposed to go slow at a rally. It sounded like the cars were counterprotesting themselves.

I will try to volunteer more. Just what is Chayal Lox for Breakfast Day? How does that help the war effort?

Snow advisory is the excuse all the time at shul. I don't know where our congregants are finding snow advisories in sixty-degree weather.

Rabbi’s classes were great this week. The class on not singing was the rabbi telling people to stop singing. The rabbi took an hour gave one source which was his own quote, 'Don't sing in shul.' And then he pointed to each person and said, 'You. Don't sing.' And then he told them, that is education, and walked out in a very angry fit of rage.