Sermons of Rebuke IV: Nasso

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We ask those who left the milk in the social hall to clean it up. Shavuot is over. Dairy spoils.
 
Yizkur, everybody left the shul. They were running from the Chazin. We want to make it clear to anybody questioning, they still love their families. To quote Felvel, 'We loved our parents immensely. But not that much. I don't think the human heart can hold the amount of love necessary to listen to our Chazin.'
 
We are sorry for the wicker motif of the Aron Kodesh. We thought it was going to have a rustic woods look with Jerusalem stone. Meshing old with new. Now whenever people look at the ark, they start asking us when they’re going to have a chance to eat Kichel.
 
Our soldier freed four hostages. We are celebrating that this Shabbat. We’re not celebrating Bernie’s 90th. Nobody cares.
 
Flower dresses are religious. We commend the Pinkowitz family for forcing their girls to wear flower. The Sterman family, with the plaid, has a way to go till they are good Jews.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Being a Chazin People Don’t Hate. Bad Shul Motifs Such as Anything the Board Chooses. How Not to be a Heretic by Wearing Plaid. We will also be continuing the Don't Be Like Bernie Halacha Shiurim.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 5:1-3) Send out contaminated people from the camp... Of course those with Tzaras... Chaim is just pale... Fran has a big hat, but I don’t know if we need to send her out of the camp... The shul’s president is contaminated. Hasn’t given the rabbi a raise...

(Bamidbar 5:3) ‘... to outside the camp you shall expel them. So, they shall not contaminate their camps...' You don’t ruin your community. The fact that the back left of the shul is here is bothersome. The fact that I have to sit at meetings with this board... Anybody that ruins the community and makes it impure should be sent out. Annoying people should be sent out.
Speaking Lashon Hara ruins the community. Your painful reading of Megilat Rut ruins the shul. It contaminates the enjoyment of Shavuot. Your wicker motif at the ark. What in the is that?...

We can let them back when they don’t act like Bernie.
Got to do Tehsuva. (Bamdibar 5:7) ‘They shall confess their sin that they did and he shall make restitution for his guilt with its initial amount and adding a fifth on it, and give it to whom he is indebted...’
I want to take a moment out for everybody in this congregation to confess their sins, so that we can have a noncontaminated congregation... Fran. You've been up to confess six times already... We know you have a lot of sins. We just don't have any more time to listen...

(Bamidbar 5:9-10) What one gives the Kohen ‘is his...' The Kohen‘s. Because you’ll try to get it back. You confess and you give up a little. You make it holy. You give a sacrifice. You give some food to the Kohen... Yes. You lose a bit of money... So now all of the sudden you don't want to ruin the camp. If it costs something. That's why you don't pay dues?... Dues doesn't ruin the camp. We would've never been able to enjoy Camp Witchitana as a congregation if it wasn't for the Markstein family. Thank you for covering the fact that nobody here pays dues.
It also means that it is the person’s who gave it to the Kohen (Rashi). It’s confusing... By the way. The motor scooter was the worst gift I ever got... Because you gave it to me, Sol, and then you said it was yours...

This congregation is our camp. And it is full of contaminated... A lot of messed up stuff Ruchel. And Camp Witchitana was an experience for all the people who should've been quarantined... That's why the whole congregation went.
It's about making the camp good... Camp is not a summer thing. We're talking about shul. Shul is not just during the summer.

You make the camp good. First you come into shul as a decent person. Not like Bernie. And happy birthday. You give to the shul. You pay the rabbi. You don't ruin the shul.
Spoiled stuff should not be in our congregation... Dairy spoils. When you finish eating a dairy Kiddish on Shavuot, you clean it up...
Many things in this shul spoil, such as every relationship Shlomo has ever had.
You never clean up after yourself... Then why did you not clean up the Chumus after Purim?... What does Chumus have to do with the meaning of Purim and the days following?! It wasn't even Mishloach Manot. It just sat there on the Shul couch for days.

You are ruining the shul community.
Megilat Rut took too long. We ended up with nobody for Yizkur... They ran away from the Chazin. They did Yizkur outside. It was so bad, the congregants quarantined themselves.

The shul wicker motif. Messing up the shul... Yes. I'm thinking about Kichel too. I see the motif. Makes me want to eat Kichel out of a basket in the middle of Layning. Raise your hand if you were thinking about Kichel when they Baal Koreh was reading about contaminated people in the camp... I was also thinking about Max chuching right into the Kichel...
If it was for Shavuot, I would understand. You use the basket to bring stuff to the Beit Hamikdash, or back home from the shuk... It's the Aron. It's our ark. It's there all the time. Not for Shavuot. It's wood. Wicker looking wood. Idiots...
Need Jerusalem stone. Arons need Jerusalem stone. Not one shul does not have Jerusalem stone. That's the new look... How is Jerusalem stone and wicker meshing the new in there? It’s all old. You meshed old with old. I’m just happy you didn’t change my chair to wicker. I like the cushion…

Bernie turned 90. Nobody cares. B”H our soldiers saved hostages last week. A bracha for our community... Because our community didn't do it. Nobody would trust our community with a military mission. You mess up picking up soda for Kiddish... Tim's Supermarket brand cola is not good. The fact I have to say this...

We need to be better Jews. Come to our community as better Jews.
Now that’s a religious family. The girls all wearing the same dress... Yes. Your girls wear the same dress. The Pinkowitz girls have flower designs. That’s what makes them more religious. Your kids are all wearing the same size... It makes sense for the one in pre-K. But the girl in college and the mom should get bigger sizes... Your outfits are not religiously proper... At least have flowers on it. Tight flowers is semi-religious.

Confess and we will let you back. Admit the wicker idea is dumb as Gehanim...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi's main message was that our camp will be good if we don't have congregants.

The rabbi proclaimed that Chaim must go to the tanning booth at Planet Fitness to rejoin the community.
They forgot to mention Father's Day in the announcements. Nobody cared, as they said, 'They're not mothers. Father's Day is a recognition these people are not mothers.'

The confession part of the sermon took four hours. We got out of shul at 3:40pm.
Fran likes talking. She would've went up another fourteen times if she had the chance to confess more. One of her confessions was, 'I went to the mall yesterday. I haven't been for years. It was such an enjoyable experience.'
The rabbi made everybody in the shul confess their sins. One person started crying that they never meant to be lactose intolerant as they never wanted to ruin Shavuot for people.
The main message of confessing was, 'Just don’t be like Bernie.'
It was beautiful that the rabbi wished Bernie a happy birthday while yelling at him.

This camp thing had many people confused. Now parents are trying to find winter camps to send their kids to.

Who leaves over milk??? Only in our shul. Anything to not clean. Anything to not help. They run. People with disabled parking stickers run.
These people will throw babka on the floor just to see how much they can't help. It's as if being a nuisance is a goal. I saw a family tell their kid to throw away the lollypop. Kid threw it on the floor and they kept on walking. Now it's part of the carpet. The shul carpet is collage of dirt people didn't pick up.

Yizkur nobody stayed in. The Chazin has people not caring about their parents who passed. That’s how bad he is. I heard one congregant say, ‘My parents would understand. They would’ve left too.’

A shul’s Aron Kodesh should be surrounded by Jerusalem Stone. That is the tradition nowadays. A shul should be made to look nothing like the Kotel, but with stones that look like they're from Jerusalem.

I think the rabbi brought up Bernie's birthday to let everybody know he doesn’t care about Bernie. But we all celebrated the freeing of the four hostages.

When it’s the same size and you’re a hundred pounds more, you’re not wearing a Frum dress anymore. I wish the out of shape people in our shul would from the Pinkowitz Mishpuchi.

After the message of our congregation being our camp the rabbi decided we need a summer camp. That idea failed when people found out other members of the shul would be there. It turned out nobody wanted to spend time with the people in our camp.
Two years ago we had a summer camp. Worst idea ever. Imagine hearing Mervs jokes on the bottom bunk when you're trying to sleep. And then the snoring during the rabbi's sermon gets worse when you're in a wood cabin with no air-conditioning.