Sermons of Rebuke III: Vayikra and Purim

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
​We ask the adults in our congregation to not dress up this year. The amount of makeup you use on a general Shabbis already scares the children. If you add any more makeup we will lose congregants.

The Purim Carnival will include a Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth.

A communal request has been put out to not give your trash away in the Mishloach Manot. This includes Hamentashen made by you. Please only include bite size chocolate.

The annual boutique sale fundraiser will take place this week. If you’re looking for gaudy hats, Mrs. Klein will be selling her collection..

Upcoming Classes: How to Not Look Scary During the Rest of the Year By Not Overusing Botox. How To Give Mishloach Manot That People Want. How to Not Miss Shul When It’s the Only Torah Reading You Have A Chiyuv to Hear.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. It’s Parshat Zachor. We have to remember to wipe out Amalek... You can’t even remember to turn on the heating in the shul... It’s freezing in here. The temp outside is 15. When everybody is wearing their winter coat in shul, there’s an issue...

(Vayikra 1:17) The fowl, the cheapest offering, that which is from a bird is ‘an elevation offering, a fire offering, a satisfying aroma to Gd’... No. You can afford more. You are just cheap. The last donation you gave to the shul was a box of pasta you didn’t want. That’s supposed to be for the homeless... The shul is not homeless. You pay the rabbi a wage that is...
The board is just too cheap to put on the heat... We're speaking of satisfying aromas to H'. Doing things that are pleasing to H'. Not the board.

How is the cheapest still just as satisfying to H’?
Rashi brings in the Gemaras and teaches us that no matter how much one brings, bug or small, ‘so long as his heart is directed to Heaven’... I would not say that Bernie has a heart. The president definitely...
You are just cheap. Nothing to do with heart... You can’t even remember Heaven...

It is still an elevation offering, and it is pleasing to H’.
(Berachos 5b) There are three kinds of elevation offerings. Herd, flock and fowl. As long as one serves H’ according to their ability, it is accepted. ‘One who does more or less is the same, as long as the intent is for Heaven.’
You wouldn’t even remember if it was for Shamaim. I think we have to stop using 'spirituality' as an excuse to not give money. 'Spirituality' is not an excuse to not come to shul...

The money raised by the board is not satisfying. I haven’t gotten a raise... Is it for H’? I haven't seen much money in the Tzedakah box...
The fundraisers aren’t even Jewish. What does a boutique have to do with Judaism?... Then call it a thrift shop fundraiser. At least that sounds like charity, and me not being forced to purchase Mrs. Klein's oversized hats...
Yes. Every fundraiser should be a Choolante sale. Not a satisfying aroma to H’. But Jewish.
Mrs. Klein. Your hats are a bit too much... Rachel. I didn't even realize you were there. You were blocked by Mrs. Klein's fedora... The widest brimmed fedora I have ever seen without a feather.

And no dressing up this Purim. Nobody does it for Gd.... Are you wearing a mask today Fran?... Then that is way too much makeup.
You scare the kids. You scare me... With the makeup you're a foot closer to me...
The makeup is not spiritual.

You Mishloach Manot is not spiritual, and it is not for H'. I said it. It's your trash... Poppy seed Hamentashen. Exactly. Cheap and not satisfying.... Choolante in Mishloach Manot would at least be spiritual...
We are looking for non-spiritual satisfying aromas to H'. Such as Nutella Hamentashen.

The carnival was excellent. Especially the Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth. it was the first decent idea the board came up with. It was a satisfying spiritual experience to see Bernie get hit.
Everybody was pleased by that. It was pleasing to H' to see Bernie get hit by a wet sponge...

Rivka's Rundown
I believe the fundraisers are there so people can feel not guilty about doing things that are Jewishly wrong. There was a Wednesday Night Binge Drinking for Gd, which seemed like an excuse to drink and wrong. Other fundraisers we had included casino night. And that wasn’t even on Chanukah.
By the way, the fundraisers brought twelve dollars to the shul. People brought their own alcohol to the binge, and the casino night was all done with fake money. People could've given money to the shul. We're just a cheap congregation.

Mrs. Klein is a bit much with her hats. I think she hit me with one of them last week. Didn't even apologize. I know Fran hit me with her makeup, because I had a mark on my face.
It’s either makeup or Botox. Actually, it’s usually both together. A lot of it.

I think our community would get along much better if we didn’t give each other Mishloach Manot. The gift baskets are a burden. When you see what they give you, it’s offensive. They think I need more bite size chocolate. If the wrapper doesn’t fully spell out Snickers, if I just get an ‘n’, I am not happy.

The way people want Mishloach Manot class was taken to heart. People stopped giving it. Once they heard that anything other than bite size chocolate is not appreciated they all had to go back to Walmart with their Easter Bunnies.
I would've rather had one of the Kosher Easter Bunnies. I think it's very important the rabbis give a Hashgacha to Easter. The chocolate is amazing. If all chickens hatched chocolate eggs, more kids would eat healthy.

The rabbi was at the Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth for two hours. He didn’t let any kids throw a sponge at Bernie. He said they didn’t have good enough arms. When asked why he was there all day throwing sponges, he said it was for Tzedakah.

The spiritual excuse of not coming to shul and bad Hamentashen is very bothersome. It smells of something not pleasant.