Sermons of Rebuke III: VaEira

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Since the Chanukah party, Mel has become addicted to gambling. Next year we won’t throw a Dreidel around a spinning thing with numbers that have pockets for the Dreidel to fall in. Why the Dreidel game needed a separate spinning wheel with 38 pockets is something we are still asking the Chanukah party committee about.

Another winter car accident. Our members can’t even drive in summer. To keep the roads safe, we suggest our membership walk to shul.

Appreciation Profile: We commend all of the children from our congregation who are in the Israeli army. We still see nothing positive in your parents. At least you bring a little Nachis and respect to your Mishpuchis. If your parents move to Israel we will respect them.

No quoting the Torah if it's not a quote. Too many of our congregants are quoting Torah that is not Torah. This has been confusing many of our congregants who think anything said in Hebrew is word from Gd.

To make for peace amongst our congregants, emails are not allowed anymore. When it’s in email form, you can’t take back capital letters.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Flock...

Maybe we should have plagues... If we had plagues, you would act good for a day. You wouldn't abuse Jews... You abuse your rabbi. You’re like Paroh. When there are plagues you say, ‘I’m sorry H.”’ Plagues stop and you’re out there making Jews work with mortar... You asked for extra coleslaw at Kiddish. Ever make coleslaw? It’s the same thing...

(Shemot 6:26-27) ‘This was the Aharon and Moshe... They were the ones who spoke to Paroh... this was the Moshe and Aharon.’ How many Moshe and Aharons were there in Egypt? It wasn’t like Sarah in our shul. Everybody is Sarah. I counted twenty... Did the community think there were no other Jewish names before Mark became a member? Did it take a new generation or somebody visiting New York to realize that just because you’re a Jew you don’t have to call your daughter Sarah?...

'This was the Aharon and Moshe.' The children of Yocheved and Amram. Genealogy is important when you accomplish something... Notice that Efraim’s parents never talk about him... We learned the genealogy of Aharon and Moshe and so now we say these are the guys. We see they come from good people... Ever heard people say, ‘I’m from Topeka.’ ‘I’m from Beis KNesses Anshei Emes uSefilah’? No... Exactly. Because of Bernie...

Maybe it was a popular name. Look at our shul. Fifteen Moshes... ‘This was the Moshe.’ It wasn’t Moshe Pinkowitz. Pinky wasn’t the Moshe that got the Jews out of Egypt. That should be clear... You don't have Pinky freeing our people. Going over to Paroh and saying, 'I think we need a bigger Kiddish'... Always complaining...

Why Aharon first and then Moshe first??? Not everything is a competition.
Chazal teach us that both were equally great, so you mention one first... Nobody ever mentioned Efraim first. Even during roll call his teachers never called him first. Last name is Aaronovitz...
I don’t know why Eli always gets to the lollypops first. He might be better than the other kids... When it comes to Bar Mitzvah candy throwing, Eli is a beast. He takes down the other kids... I know he’s twenty. He’s still a kid... When are you too old to dive on the floor for candies in shul?! Never. Exactly...
Rabbi Moshe Feinstein teaches that Aharon reached his potential. Reaching your potential is what makes you great.... Eli jumping on the floor and taking down other kids for candy is his potential...

And our shul just stops people from reaching their potential. Stopping Eli from getting some Sunkist jelly circles.
Who brought the roulette wheel? That wasn’t Dreidel... That was a scam. The Dreidel didn’t even move. The shul took 90% on the winnings. And that wasn't even dues. Now we have addicts, chasing their losses... That's why people haven't been back. They don't have enough money to gamble at shul...

Whatever our congregants do just causes harm to others. Even driving. I'm afraid to leave the parking lot. The way Bernie backs up with his eyes on his steering wheel... You look at other cars. You look to see if there are people... H' created the laws of Shabbat so that our membership wouldn't drive. The laws of Shabbat saves lives...

The Moshe and Aharons of our shul. The Elis of our shul. That is who we look to right now. We commend all the kids who’ve done the Israeli army. They’re bright. They’re courageous. They're smart. They left this congregation...
I think the board is trying to get some of the people to move out of the congregation. The announcement of appreciation and respect for our children who went off to serve our people turned into a spite of their parents.

You’re not quoting Torah... 'It says in the Torah that you should make money.' Where did you get that from? Where does it say that... Because you said it's in the Torah doesn't mean it's in the Torah...
The Torah does say I should get a raise, so that your rabbi can reach his potential. 'VaYomer HaRav LGabaim SheHeim Loh Bseder. vKoolam Sonim Otam.' Torah...

It's about potential. And being there to help others reach their potential. That's how you lead. Not through emails.
No emails is Torah. Everything you write is nasty... And no social media either... Because you looks stupid... Your emails are just mean... If that’s not the tone, then why are you capitalizing everything... Take it off of caps lock and you will look nicer. Your whole Kiddish complaint to the board was with caps.
If you didn't use caps, we'd look at your genealogy... That's what it is Pinky. If there was a plague, you wouldn't write emails for a day.

Rivka's Rundown
There are a lot of converts in our congregation. They named their daughters after their mothers.
Then the men were all named Moshe. No idea why. Just lack of creativity and Torah knowledge. Then Mark joined the shul and people started thinking you can name Jews in English. Now we have Tyler as a member. Named Tyler at his Bris.

The rabbi decided that gambling fundraisers are still gambling. The president argued with the rabbi, then took back ten thousand dollars of the rabbi's salary and said, 'That's ten thousand the shul lost in chips.'
We had Gamblers Anonymous meetings in our shul. Those stopped when all the members were trying to figure out why we're not a church.
It all started with Chanukah. The whole shul is now addicted to slot machines. Last week, the rabbi had to go to the casino to give a Halacha class. It was a beautiful teaching about chasing your kids in shul instead of chasing your losses.

Winter driving in our town is dangerous. No snow. People just can’t drive.
The suggestion of members walking to shul had nothing to do with keeping Shabbat. Though, as the rabbi said, 'Keeping H"s laws of Shabbat saves lives. At least of the other people on road.'

Such a beautiful job of working the Israeli soldiers into the sermon. The rabbi has been doing that lately. It makes it all more meaningful during this time. Letting the congregants know how they have not helped the nation at all is a great lesson that touches the heart of the congregation.
I think the one good thing about many of our children joining the Israeli army, according to our rabbi, is that they’ve left our community, and that is smart.

Our membership is notorious for fake Torah sources. One was when Mark argued that Mark is a name found in Deuteronomy. He argued it by saying 'Devarim.' The argument went, 'There is Shlomo HaMelech, Noach, and Mark. Mark in Devarim.'
And they all use a Hebrew word and think they've won a Halachik conversation. I belive she said, 'And you can't do Hotza'ah of a Siddur...' What does that mean? Just because you used Hebrew doesn't make it a Jewish law. I think she didn't want somebody else using the Artscroll Siddur she has branded as hers.
The rabbi used the term Chazal, meaning our teachers or something, which means he didn't know who said it. But everybody considered it law. It was in Hebrew.

They say nasty stuff in their emails. Emails are worse than social media. If we interacted through our email talk, we would all be like Bernie and Max talking. A lot of anger and arguing about everything.
Now nobody in the congregation likes anybody. It’s all emails. If we stick with emails less people will show up to shul. In upcoming sermons, I am guessing the rabbi is going to start talking about how people should only interact through emails.

Coleslaw is hard to make. It’s back breaking if you don’t buy the pre-cut vegetables. Why nobody in our shul purchased the diced slaw makes no sense. I agree with the rabbi. If they made them do the extra work, that’s Parohesque. To have to cut the slaw is a Paroh thing. Our rabbi hits it right on the nose every time. Nose hitting would be a good plague.
Only way things in our shul work out is if there is a crisis. I think that a plague would get everybody in line.