Sermons of Rebuke IV: Korach and July 4th

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
In honor of the 4th of July, we are going to get rid of our Chazin. We feel it’s time the shul had their independence.
 
The Antifa protest at the school dinner wasn’t supported by the rabbi. Though the rabbi doesn't like his congregants, it was not his idea. It is just Antifa doesn’t like to hear Jews are eating schnitzel.

We are asking for people to think about being Baal Korehs. We need a new Baal Koreh. The last Torah reader guy had a panic attack when he messed up the word ‘VaYechi.’ He was berated by every congregant, after they screamed at him in front of the whole congregation. He started crying and had a panic attack. We understand the shul has many abusive members who yell a lot.
 
This years’ Korach Award goes to Bernie, again.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Love You and Not Be a Chazin. Antifa & Masks: Do They All Still Have COVID. How to Correct a Baal Koreh Without Putting Down His Family. How to Not Be Bernie.
The security training will take place Sunday. As she was there last time, Ethel is expected to be one of the instructors.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 16:32-35) Korach and his followers are swallowed up by the earth, along with their households and wealth... I don’t know where it is. It’s not a treasure to find. This isn’t Goonies. They weren’t pirates.
The two-hundred-fifty who weren’t swallowed, who brought their frying pans to the fight, were consumed by a flame... I don’t know why people fight with frying pans. Like this is The Three Stooges...
Our congregants would bring anything. If you saw the security training, you would understand that anything other than throwing a punch. A spoon would be more dangerous than Binyamin Zev Michel Ben Melvin... Ethel is only willing to get into a scuffle because she's ninety-seven and she is ready to go... Incense is not how you defend against terror...
The lesson is , Don’t mess with your rabbi...

(Bamidbar 17:2-3) Elazar Ben Aharon is now commanded to take the frying pans ‘for they have become holy... the fire pans of these sinners...’
I don’t address congregants by name. I just say sinners. The back left sinners.
The fire pans were to be a cover for the altar. Yes. There is a lesson here.
You can turn something used for sin to something holy. Kadosh. This congregation has a chance. The ability of this shul for holiness is huge... You can change this place. Can turn sin into Mitzvah. Holy. The amount this congregation has messed up, it’s a Kidush H’. It’s a sanctification of Gd.

How can we make this place Holy...
You’re a great Chazin. You're gone. I already feel like we're making Kadosh... Like the British, you cause people pain. You take away our joy by singing really long songs... It’s like a shul tax. Now, we're going to Daven quickly. Kadosh... Kicking you out of your job is a sanctification.

We have beefed up security... It's Kadosh to scare Jews into keeping Mitzvahs. Since the dinner most of you have gone crazy... We understand. It's a shock to find out people hate Jews.
I'm thinking the Antifa people are the board of the shul... They have on masks. I can’t tell. Maybe one of them is the president...

'Sorry little mistake.' You're ruining the Torah! You read it and you're saying something else... I know none of the members understand it. But it still ruins it for them.
Nonetheless, you make it Kadosh. Your messing up gives the shul a chance to express their holiness by screaming at you... There was no need to start shouting. ‘You’re an uneducated fool... Who raised you... Goats...’

Who is the Korach in this shul?...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi just calls the back left of the shul sinners. That's how he knows them.

Fast Davening seems to be what the rabbi calls holy.
The rabbi truly feels the Chazin is a tyrant. It's oppressive. Forcing them to stay in shul for longer with his singing, they felt it was time to overthrow him. The rabbi’s sermon was forty-five minutes. At least.

This whole hating Jews thing was never a shock to me. Even the mini mart near our house brought up the milk prices a good seventy-five cents.
The Antifa people are scary. These masked animals were banging on windows at the shul dinner. They had on masks. We don’t know who they were. I think it was the shul’s secretary. She hates Jews. Almost as much as the bakery’s cashier. It’s weird to go to a kosher bakery where they hate Israel. I think I heard her say last time, when I asked the price, ‘Look. A Jew. Trying to get a deal.’ It’s a kosher bakery. We’re the customers. Where else are we going to get deals?

The security training class was messed up. I think we'd be safer just getting beat up. Ethel is ninety-seven, I believe. She can't even pick up a cast iron skillet.

Even this past Shabbis, the whole shul was waiting to correct the Baal Koreh. They love it. They look forward to it. They really scared the last Baal Koreh with the VaYikach fiasco. He read, 'VaYilan.' People were shouting, 'No VaYikach!!!' One guy got up out of his seat, 'It's VaYikach, you idiot.' Then another member took off his cufflink and threw it at the Torah reader. And none of these congregants read Hebrew. It was like a coup. They were all waiting to yell at the guy. First chance they got, it was over.
They are all too uneducated and lazy to read themselves. They enjoy berating. Some of them joined the shul softball team just to yell at the umpire. They said it's part of the game.
Shloimy suggested to bring in the umpire to be the Torah reader. To quote, 'He's used to people yelling at him.'

What kind of shul has a Korach Award?! Every year it’s Bernie. He gets the award. There's a whole ceremony. The rabbi calls him up to the Bima and tells everybody that he wouldn't feel like a rabbi if it wasn't for this man. Then the rabbi storms off the Bima and leaves the shul for the rest of Davening.
Our rabbi came up with the idea for the Korach Awards. Anybody who disagrees with the rabbi gets an honorable mention.
Honorable mentions: Sam who said that he didn't want to go shopping for Kiddish when the rabbi wanted a nap. He got the 'I can't go out of my way for Kichel' award. Carolyn who always wears hats that seem to be a protest to the rabbi's sermon, because nobody behind her can see the rabbi. Fran who can't hear well enough. She gets blamed for not having good hearing. Mark who tagged out the rabbi in the Lag BOmer shul softball game. Shloimy and Faigee who decided their time was best spent learning Torah instead of showing up to a committee meeting. They got the 'We would rather keep Mitzvahs' award.

Though I love the rabbi, I can't show up to all these classes. I believe the sermons is where the rabbi truly educates his pupils. The 'How to Not Be Bernie' class is a series.