Sermons of Rebuke IV: Behalotcha

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We ask you not snore during the rabbi’s sermon. It keeps people up.

The spoiled milk is still sitting out in the shul lobby. Will anybody clean it up? That is a question. Please call the shul office and let them know if you will clean it up.

Did anybody see the microphone? It appears somebody stole the shul microphone and we need it. There is an event this week.
We also can’t find the Shiva Siddurs. This shul is a vortex of loss. The annual report shows an eighty-thousand-dollar net loss this year. If anybody sees it, please let us know.

Snobby and snooty shul members are not welcome. We have finally said it. We don’t like you. You are not cool coming to shul and hanging out with your ‘boys.’ It’s shul. It’s not a cool thing.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to be a Normal Person People Like and Not Snobby Like Dave. How to Not Spend All the Money You Owe the Rabbi. How to Clean. Not Sleeping During the Rabbi’s Sermon. How to Not Lose Everything: A Guide for Not Coming to Shul.
All classes this week are cancelled.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

Aharon waves the Leviim... You have to be strong to be a Kohen Gadol. You wave the guys. Our shul can’t even do Hagba right...
Of course you purify them. You purify them then wave them. Nobody wants to wave a bad smelling Levite. This is why they’re always washing hands. Going outside to wash hands for Duchening. Very big into cleanliness... Just in case there’s a waving... Not a hello wave. It’s not a ‘great to see you, Shloimy. Just waving you over my head to say "Hi."’ You wave them in the air. Like the airplane move. One hand though...
From now on, people have to shower before dancing in front of the Chatan and Kallah...

(Bamidbar 9:2-3) You bring the Pesach offering ‘BMoado’ at its time. Its proper time. This isn't Minyin. You don't show up ten minutes late... Things have to be done on time. The shul monthly calendar has to be put out before the month. That is the president's fault... It was put out two and a half weeks late... I know our congregants like Matzah. But you eat it on Pesach. They needed it delivered before Pesach. Again, our president's fault.
We didn’t have a Minyin because everybody showed up not on time... The proper time is not 10:35am.

(Bamidbar 9:6-8) What do impure people do? Tamei people, like our congregants would’ve brought it a month later. Pesach Sheini, the second Pesach... I can't explain that. Some people are always late...
They understood they were Tamei. They were impure, like the congregants in the back left, so they couldn’t do it in its proper time... And they lived outside of Israel, like all the heretics at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah... You need a good excuse. Being lazy is not an excuse.

Things have to be done at the right time.
Bernie. Wake up or I will wave you. There sermon is not the time to sleep. The only thing worse than you being awake for my sermon is you sleeping during it... Yes. We all heard that. The fact you can’t hear your snoring is bothersome.

Nobody cleaned the milk from last week. Still. The milk is there. Shavuot was celebrated in its right time, by the congregants who care about Gd...
Don’t we have a cleaning crew?... They’re also against cleaning?! They just ran?! They said the place was too dirty?!... You asked if that was their job. They said they only clean?!

Did anybody see the microphone?... Yes. We’re going to stop the sermon for Hashavas Aveida, returning lost objects, to me and the shul... It’s stealing.
The microphone search fiasco has been going on for the past two weeks. Rick has been searching everywhere. He even searched my car. I thought he was looking for Chametz... He missed Pesach and he's not a good Jew...
Shiva Siddurs are gone. Does anybody know where anything is in this place? The shul is a vortex for lost stuff. The amount of times I’ve lost having to sit and listen to congregants. Committees...
We checked at the Memorial chapel. Not there... We have blamed the kids, but they won't fess. It's probably the kids. The kids are crazy... Might be the janitor. He throws stuff out. Doesn't clean, but throws stuff out...

But when you’re Tamei, or when you have to do Teshuva, you can’t bring the Karbon Pesach...
Snooty shul members who say hello when they want. Very snobby and annoying. They shouldn't be allowed to bring the Pesach sacrifice. If you think you're cool, you should have to do Teshuva...
A Kiddish club for five minutes makes you cool??? Is that how you purify yourself before coming into the shul, ten minutes late into Musaf. With schnapps?!
You forget things when you're drunk. You forget to be a decent person. You forget to bring stuff in their proper time. You end up smelling bad. You come to shul, and you forget to shake hands or wave... You drink at the right times.

Rivka's Rundown
A beautiful message against drinking, unless if the kids are around and you have to deal with them.
That was the first argument the rabbi got in a real long time. He said the sermon is not the time to sleep. People did not like that statement. If he would've said the sermon is not a time to drink, he would've had huge protests. They just got back from the Kiddish club.

The rabbi started making people shower before weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. He was sick of dancing with people who smelled bad. He even sent home a seventh grader for smelling too bad to lift his friend in a chair.

Nothing in our shul is done on time. They would all do Pesach Sheini if they could, just because it's late. They would even ask for a Pesach Shelishi, just to give the rabbi more to do. To waste his time.
The rabbi blamed the president for everything. Even not getting his raise
When the rabbi said, 'Committees,' You had people yelling 'Amen.' The rabbi said committees and everybody started voicing how much time they wasted on them.

The snoring was loud. Bernie is in his nineties now. I think that older people snore louder because they can’t hear as well.

So are the classes happening or not? That is confusing. Listing the classes and then ‘classes are cancelled.’
They’ll probably send out an email. They’ve been sending a lot of emails lately about programs happening and then not happening. I believe that if a program is listed and doesn’t happen it still counts. I believe that’s what the programming board believes. It’s still a success. ‘We had 380 programs this year. 40 happened.’
The Not Sleeping During the Rabbi's Sermon class was attended by many members. Most fell asleep during the class.

It’s pathetic. Nobody in the shul will help. Nobody will clean that thing up. It’s turned into a test of wills. The office staff won't even clean it up. I think we have a custodian. That guy hasn't vacuumed in years. I think they pay him to talk about cleaning up.

It was like playing Clue. We went through everybody in shul, to try to figure out who took the microphone. They all blamed the kids for the microphone loss. The Shiva siddurim nobody pinned on the kids. They figured, these kids are in Jewish day school and none of them have learned to read Hebrew yet. A lot of parents got out their anger when expressing that.
It was a whole thing to find the microphone. Rick did everything he could. He led Davening and specifically added a prayer to find the microphone. He got Pesicha. He opened the ark just to look for the microphone. His head was in there fishing around.
Asking us for the Shiva Suiddurim was a Chutzpah. They asked us for the Siddurs and they didn't even show to the Shiva house. First you come to the Shiva, then you can ask us if we have the Siddurs. You first wish condolences, then accuse us.
They found the 80k shul loss. It was the young couples. The rabbi said it was Bernie.
A phone chain went out for the microphone. They ended up finding the microphone a day later, after searching the cameras and finding nothing. They better check the cameras again to see who actually slipped it back in. Keys have been lost too. Everything has been lost in this shul. Just look at how many memorial plaques there are.

They finally said they don’t like the snobby members. I hate them. It’s shul. If you think you’re cool at shul, you don’t have the right idea. Shul should be for losers.
The rabbi finally let people know shul is not cool. It's for people who shake hands and wave.