Sermons of Rebuke III: BeShalach and Tu BShvat Continued

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
The board would like to apologize for the dried fruit this Tu BShvat. Due to injured stomachs, we will not serve dried fruit ever again.

We want to apologize for the board missing Tu BShvat announcements last week. You can practice the holiday now. You can still care about trees if you would like. Though after Tu BShvat the trees don’t care.
You missed nothing at the Tu BShvat Seder other than Maurice and Helen fighting over when Matzah is going to be served.

We would like to apologize for the date joke. We counted twelve people saying it. Nobody should have to hear that joke about getting a date and eating a date more than once a year. And that includes Rosh Hashana Simanim.

We ask people to keep their embraces silent. The Shlomo and Baruch hug last Shabbat was way too loud. Older people got scared. 

We are going to force the Himmelmans to share Anim Zemirot. The kids have been hogging the Bima. There are other kids in the shul who also can’t sing.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

And the Jews complain to Moshe. Not a surprise. I have a congregation. I can see what he had to deal with. Korach. A president. Complainers. A board... Egypt is approaching them at the sea, and the Jews say (Shemot 14:11-12) ‘... Were there no graves in Mitrayim... Is this not what we said to you in Mitzrayim, “Let us be and we will serve Mitzrayim?” For it is better for us that we serve Mitzrayim than we die in the desert.’
The people complained about freedom. Who complains about freedom? Other than Shloimy, who complains about having too much money?!...
They're talking about dying. But the real question is, how do you live? What is better. Is it better to be a member of our shul or to enjoy life?... I feel like a slave here.
It can be hard to have faith. Especially when dealing with the congregants at Beis Knesses Beis Torahs Emes uSefilah.

With the Egyptians on their back Moshe tells them H’ will fight for them. He tells them to have faith. He tells them to shut up... Yes. That was directed at Bernie.
We must think about living free to serve H'. To have faith that things will be good. To not be slaves to Egypt or the board of this shul.
‘Is it not better that I would not have to sit next to Fran during the sermon?’ I understand these questions from my pupils... Dealing with her does have me questioning my faith.

What are we complaining about? Getting attacked at the sea, where you can't see a future, can have you looking to the easy way out. The slavery of Egypt. To coming back to this congregation.
Hard to see a future dealing with the shul here...

It's easy to put together a Tu BShvat Seder that nobody will enjoy... I understand why you ask if one can enjoy themselves on a Tu BShvat diet. I'm still starving from last night’s Seder. I believe that the more I ate, the hungrier I became. Can one live on a vegan diet? ‘It is better we eat meat than have to die to a vegan diet on Tu BShvat’... There was no dessert at the Tu BShvat Seder. That is correct. It is better we die with dessert than without.
How one can serve so much fruit and not one dessert?!...

And then people want to continue Tu BShvat. The pain the suffering. As opposed to moving ahead and eating enjoyable food. I want to apologize for the vegan Kiddish this week. I believe it is hurting the trees of our planet.

We are looking towards salvation. Not freedom. The Jews were fine without salvation. That is the issue. Salvation is a hope. A hope for something good. A hope that you'll get a decent dessert with Gd. When the sisterhood puts together a Tu BShvat Seder, there is no hope.
What are you serving? That is the question. They were fine serving Paroh. You can't live like that... It's not living. It's dying slow. You're serving dried fruit. Apricots. Is there salvation in apricots?!...
I know Tu BShvat is over. You can still care about trees.

Dried fruit is amazing. It preserves life... Preservatives are good. Pikuach Nefesh. But saving lives for what???
The date joke... It’s a date, so you say people should have a lot of dates. We get it. It’s annoying. To have to live with that joke. No salvation...
Please never invite me to another Tu BShvat Seder at this shul again. They are all fighting and they are not even family... No. There is no Matzah, Maurice. It's Tu BShvat. Bread is allowed...

And the complaints and fighting in this place is too much... Even when you hug, it sounds like you’re fighting.
Loudest hugs I have ever heard in my life. The patting. It's a smack. It's the loudest show of care for a friend... Yes. It disturbs Davening. And it scares people.
Ethel had a heart attack. She heard the hug and went into an extreme panic... It might have been a panic attack. Either way, the whole shul was worried, and Sadie was happy she could finally get in a decent Davening without being interrupted.
First hearing of the embrace. The pats. You disturbed all of shul. Couldn't hear the Kaddish with your embracing and hug taps....

What makes life worth it is the question. The journey was there for us to understand what is worth living for. Emunah. Faith that someday things will be good. Someday, there could be another job. That faith in good is what keeps you moving ahead. Not dealing with the Beis Knesses Anshei Diburei BEmtzah HaTefillah. It's the hope that one day we won't be slaves to this having to drive electric cars... No. You cannot make it Chicago with that thing.
The belief that one day the Pintzkowitz kids will not lead in Anim Zemirot...

Your kids have to stop doing Anim Zemirot sometimes. Even if you drive a Tesla. They don't have good voices... We know you think they do... Why don't you learn to lead services. Then your kids wouldn't have to... Michael. If you learned to do Shacharit, you wouldn't force your children...

Focus on life. That is what Moshe was telling them. (14:13-14) 'See the salvation of H"... H' will fight for you and you will keep silent.'
Stop talking. Keep your mouths shut. How much pulls this off with the whole nation, telling them all to shut up, is brilliant.
One day there might be a decent Kiddish again. And the members of the shul will stop complaining.
If the people in this shul would just stop talking, I believe we would all see salvation... Bernie. I'm in the middle of the sermon. Please refrain from conversation till it's over...

Salvation from the Pintzkowitz kids...
No. Your kids should get hurt. They don’t share Anim Zemirot. Four years... The oldest is already fifteen.

Rivka's Rundown
It would appear the rabbi is still looking into other jobs. Talking about complaining about the future because the past is easy, he wants out.
What a brilliant concept. Complaining about the future. Only our membership can find a way to complain about something that hasn't happened yet. Rabbi Mendelchem is truly meant for our shul. And he will complain about it. Which is so brilliant.

It seems we practice all holidays a week late. Our board always forgets the holidays in announcements. Two years ago, the board implemented a Sukkot Sheini. A second Sukkot for those who missed the first one, because they forgot to put it in the announcements.
If our religion was organized by our board, we would have Sheinis for all holidays. Not just Pesach. They would've been complaining to H' that they missed the holidays every time, and for not good reason; probably golf or tennis.
They would have Rosh Hashana Sheini, Yom Kippur Sheini, Yom Huledet Sheini. I can't tell you the amount of birthdays have been missed in the birthday announcements. The board always has to announce the birthdays from the pulpit with an 'I'm sorry we missed...' Why they even have the birthday section in the announcements makes no sense. The only thing I have ever seen there is, 'We want to wish a Mazel Tov for Bernie on his birthday, which was celebrated two and a half months ago. Mazel...'

So smooth. The way the rabbi told Bernie to shut up. It was Moshesque.

How the rabbi came up with electric cars, I don't know. I am trying to figure out what that has to do with death and living.

Those apricots killed my stomach. I don’t know if apricots have ever not killed my stomach, even wet.
The Kiddish committee is very not happy about the dried fruits ban. They have eighteen pounds of dried fruit leftover from Tu BShvat, with a twenty-four year expiration date on them. The committee is hoping the ban will be lifted next Tu BShvat or within the next twenty years.
It’s very complicated to have a Seder with no Matzah. Our whole congregation was confused.
Finally somebody said something about the date joke. Hopefully, they will also not say that joke by the Simanim (signs) on Rosh Hashana

The vegan Kiddish had a lot of naysayers. I for one love zucchini in everything, including my cake.

I think they even grunted when they hugged. It was so loud.

Harvey Pintzkowitz is an abusive Anim Zemirot dad. If he ever learned to Daven, or if he learned to play basketball, he wouldn't force this on his kids.
Those kids hog the Anim Zemirot. One of them even runs up to the ark, so no other family can join. Every Shabbis is like a Pintzkowitz Bar Mitzvah.

I don’t know if the rabbi truly remembers the name of the shul. He calls it something else every time. It’s Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. He likes adding in more 'S's. He feels like that is more Frum.

All Lashon Hara is not Lashon Hara at our shul. They are all a bunch of Reshaim.