Announcements
No more cursing people under your breath, especially when it's loud.

When Michi does a breath out, he's mad. We are noting that to all in the congregation, as some members thought Michi likes them. He doesn't. He did a breath out the other day when the babka was taken out too early. He is actually cursing you out when he does the breath out.
 
We are sorry about the visitor. His Kaddish was not in tune and not on beat with our shul's cadence. Baruch leads the Kaddish. We must follow him, even though it's very slow and tedious and kind of makes you want to not live.
Let's not blame the guest for everything. Kaddish in our shul is still not on beat and without unison, without the guest.
 
A special consultant singer will be coming this week to teach our congregants how to be in unsion for Kaddish. They will also choose who the Chazin leader will be. BE"H it will not be Baruch. He is so off tune.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
The Layner took a long time today... You were reading from the Torah. You were not asked to meditate over it. And then the Haftorah. I feel like I'm sitting through Yom Kippur here... And Yom Kippur is coming soon... It's Elul, Baruch. You should feel guilty.
Teshuva. You have too much. That's the problem...

(Devarim 17:15-19) When you have a king, they should not have too many horses. Not too many wives. Not too much money. And he shall 'write for himself two copies of the Torah...' And they should not have a Layner that takes too much time...
Mishneh. Two. You don't lose copies?! After every one of my classes, I see sheets laying around.
Mishnah is to also learn. Two copies. To learn them... He should learn it. The king is not looking for a second job as a scribe.
He should learn it. 'And he shall read it all of his days.' Reading is learning... We call it learning. You don't read Torah. You learn it.
You learn it out loud. Learning is out loud... Learning is learning. That means reading.
Learn how to say Kaddish right... Yes. A more upbeat Kaddish. Kaddish is about celebrating life. Not hearing Baruch dying... It sounds like you're dying. That's how slow your Kaddish is...

Why learn it? Why all this not having too much? 'So that he will learn to fear H' his Gd, to observe all of the words of the Torah...' It's because you don't learn. And you have too many horses. Equestrianism is Asur... Then just have one horse.
Does your family need a third car?!
You have too much stuff. The one thing you don't have too much of is Jewish values. I said it...

No more under breath cursing. When you curse somebody under your breath, they hear you. They hear your under-breath cursing... You whisper very loud, Michi.... You called him an idiot... You don't learn the Torah under your breath. Because then it would sound like you're cursing the Torah. H' doesn't want kings cursing the Torah...
Your breath out is offensive too. Even when you suck in the stuff between your teeth it sounds offensive... Use a toothpick.

(Devarim 17:20) 'So that his heart doesn't become haughty.' It's about values. Haughtiness does not go along with Torah values. Having a lot and Layning very slow do not go along with Torah values.
Your breath out is a haughty heart.... Cause you expect stuff. You expect Chazins to not take 18 minutes for Haftorah... You're not making Challah...
You're not breathing out for your health. It's like you expect something. Kings should not breath out either.
The Layner made me want to do a breath out...

And it shortens you days. Haughtiness and having too much stuff shortens your days. As does being the rabbi of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah.
When you have too much your days are shortened... Because you have to take care of the horses.
Donations...

Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi just ended on 'donations.' A non sequitur. I think he's prepping for the Yizkur Appeal. Yom Kippur is where the rabbi shines. And he knows how good he does based on the money that they flip on the cards.
He would judge the success based on the money that comes into the shul. But people pledge a lot more than they donate.

The announcements always have spelling mistakes. 'Unsion.' I have no idea what that means.

The shul Kaddish tune is off. It's a weird one. One guy made it up and he forces everybody to follow. Truth is, it's impossible to get the Kaddish sayers in unison in our shul. They all mourn their own way, and it is very loud.
Who was the guest? That's a Chutzpah. You come into a shul and you learn the Kaddish cadence. Got to keep quiet and learn our shul tune, then join the Kaddish. It's a real damper on the mourning process when a random throws off the Kaddish.
I don't know what it is. Everybody has their own beat. We need a metronome for our shul Kaddish. Truth is, I think the guest was the only one who was in tune and on beat.

The rabbi did a step away during his sermon- a great move. It added a good amount of drama. Then he stepped back to the lectern and people stopped listening again.

The congregants got the wrong idea. They thought that now they're kings. The rabbi should've never taught them lessons from kings. Now, they all park in the disabled parking spot.

Michi breathes out all the time. He did a huge breath out when the guy took the coffee off the coffee maker too soon.
It's either a breath out or straight up curse. I would rather the straight up curse. With some of the older members of the congregation, you have no idea what they're saying. Some curse people with blessing them. One woman always says, 'She should live and be well.' That's when she hates them. I learned that's a curse, as she said, 'Michi should live and be well.'
I hope it's not Lashon Hara. Michi is a good guy. Just an angry guy.

Davening is taking way too long. I almost had to do a breath out.

This month we focused on puns solely by Rabbi Mendel.

Why did their pet follow Halacha? It was a Chukat.
You get it? Kat. Cat. A Chok is a law. Chukat HaTorah means 'law of the Torah.' It was a cat that followed Halacha. For the pun to truly hit, it should be 'Chukkat.' We would’ve went with Chokat, but that isn’t correct Hebrew or the name of the Parsha.

They counted the people to make census of it.
You get it? Census. Sense. It makes sense to take a census. They took a census in the Parsha. Sometimes you have to use all five senses to make sense of a census.

Tisha BAv is a sad day. That's why many people Daven early in mourning.
You get it? Morning. Mourning. In the morning we do the Shacharit prayer. We left out the word 'the.' Correct grammar would kill the pun. If delivered by an Israeli, this pun sounds brilliant. Maybe try it with an Israeli accent.

The day before Tisha BAv went very slow. It wasn't a fast day.
You get it? Tisha BAv is a fast day, so it goes quickly. Fast meaning fast. Whereas the day before Tisha BAv is not a fast day, so it goes slow. You don't fast on slow days.

He went to a speed dating event on Tu BAv. It went all night. Nobody slept.
You get it? Speed is a drug. It also can cause insomnia. It can cause tremors. Don't do drugs. Some things are more important than jokes.

Their pet took them to The Mountains and jumped from tree to tree. She wanted to show them the cat-skills.
You get it? The Catskills. Cat skills. Pets do tricks there to show off their skills. Jews go to the Catskills in the summer. Most Jews don't have pets. It was visiting day. There are mountains in the Catskills. Just to be clear.

They were jumping for joy when they heard it was time for gaga.
You get it? Gaga is to be foolishly enthusiastic. They were playing gaga at camp. Lost the game, but they were overly excited. They went gaga for the game. The game was gaga. Two different gagas.

I was at a friend's house and noticed that they had no books out. The house did not look Jewish. They had a gazebo. It looked a bit like a Sukkah without walls or Schach. Could've been Jewish, but it wasn't. You want your house to be Jewish, you need Sefarim (books). You need books that look Jewish.
They had a computer. They said the Torah is on it. I didn't see it. I saw an apple on it. No matter how much you use Sefaria, a computer does not look like a Sefer. They had some of those modern books about Jewish recipes. Those don't look like a Sefer. So, how should a Jewish book look? That is the question and we shall answer that for my friend.

Dark Blue, Maroon or Brown
All books should be brown. A maroonish brown that looks a bit dark blue in the sun. Grey is not a religious color. Your books should not be green. No fluorescent colors either, unless if you're crossing the street with them at night.

Gold Trimming On The Cover
Very important. Gold trimming looks religious. It encases the book in religion. I don't know how gold trimming became religious. Nonetheless, it's the most Frum thing in our religion next to using tinfoil. Feldheim might be behind this.

Inside Should Look Old
It should look like it was written eight hundred years ago, and been through every war the Jewish people have endured. It should look like it's been carried through battle.
If it's new, you should've spilled coffee on it already.

No English
Just Hebrew books. You should not understand what you're reading. Good Jews have a penchant for reading stuff they don't understand, and that makes them feel good. It brings happiness and connects them with Gd.
Aramaic is allowed, as it's written in Hebrew and you don't understand it. Same with Yiddish. Yiddish written in English, Asur.
You can have English for Kiruv reasons. Kiruv is bringing Jews closer to Yiddishkeit. Now I have to translate Yiddishkeit. Yiddishkeit is Judaism. For Kiruv reasons, you can also have a TV, a computer, and hit the dance clubs.

No Pictures on The Cover
Is this a Tom Clancy novel? No. It's Torah.
If you have a kids' section to your library this is fine. For Kiruv reasons, you can have a book with pictures too. Non-educated Jews need pictures.
If it's a story about a rebbe the book can be in English and you're allowed to have a picture on the cover. This is a Heter (exemption) the rebbes came up with. Nonetheless, all pictures in the book should be in black and white, and everybody should have a beard.

Kippahs on All Pictures
Kids' books should only have pictures of boys with Kippahs. We're educating the next generation here. If the child isn't Jewish, they should have a Kippah. All shopkeepers should have Kippahs as well. Even if you're not used to seeing Frum Jews work on cars, the mechanic has a yarmulke. Flight attendants have Kippahs. Factory staff has yarmulkes, even if it's not a Matzah factory. Your child should not be exposed to non-yarmulke people, even in written form.

Books Numbered by Daily Readings
As you've adopted a Kiruv section into your library, you have found a way to make it permissible to have English Sefarim.
All English books should be written in day order. Frum Jews don't read in chapters or pages. We're not good with decisions. We read in day form. This is the reason for the new industry of day readers. It all started with Daf Yomi.
Books shouldn't have readers trying to figure out how much to read. It gets very complicated trying to figure out how much you should accomplish in a day. Your Sefarim should give that information to you. It's Bitul Zman (wasting time) trying to figure out how much you should learn in an afternoon. You might end up reading a chapter, and then you're stuck having figuring out what to do tomorrow. It's a nightmare. One should never know of such things. It all leads to Bitul Zman.

All Books Need Haskamas
Also known as a letter of approbation. I used English here to make it harder to understand. And that is why this article is OK to read.
Haskamas allow you to read the book. The less pages of authored work the better. You want at least fifty percent of the book to be permission to read the book. If it's a really good Jewish text, the whole work should be Haskamas. This is why I don't learn Torah. There are no Haskamas.
If it's a kids' book, be sure to have it Haskamas with pictures and Kippahs.
The real question is if you should read the part of the book that is not Haskamas. I have told my congregants that is Asur.

If all you have is a computer, make sure it's a maroonish brown color.

Announcements
Davening wait between Mincha and Maariv will be 43 minutes. It's on the calendar. People have been asking us why it's on the calendar. That is not our concern. We can't answer that. It is on the calendar. Therefore it's the right time. To answer your questions: We don't know who put it on the calendar.
We will also be celebrating the Simchawitz wedding a week early. Our scheduling team messed up the time on the calendar. Hence, the Simchawitzs are cancelling their hall reservation, and rescheduling.
 
Phil shaved. It's him. He just has a double chin now.
 
We are stopping the Shul Wordle. It's too complicated for our membership. The word was 'dues' and nobody got it. 'On-time' was the other word nobody could figure out.
 
Class this week is on why you are going broke on summer camp.
We will discuss canteens and how much you're willing to pay to not have to see your kids for the summer.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
 Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Devarim 12:12) 'And you shall be happy before H".'
Happy. A commandment to be happy. To not spend time with the congregants of Beis Kneses Beis Emes uSefilah... I look to the front left and I get depressed. Your whole section exudes depression...

(Devarim 12:14) 'Only in the place that H' chooses... there you will bring your elevation offerings and there you will do all that I command you.'
Like not having random card nights in the chapel. How a bridge game happened there is beyond me. I walked in to see you playing bridge... Paper football is fine. You can play paper football in the chapel. Paper football is a Jewish game...
Yes. That's in Jerusalem. You can't sacrifice in Topeka. That would be plane animal cruelty... We're doing a good job of not being happy here. I can tell you that I fulfill the Mitzvah every day. With the Finkelwitz Kiddish... There was no Babka. We can't be happy... When I come to Minyin and I have to listen to Shmuel leading, I'm not happy... Your voice is horrendous.

We have to be happy. Yet. There are rules. Jerusalem is one... You can be happy in Topeka, just now with sacrifices or with our membership...
With the congregants in the front left, you can't be happy. It's not a commandment to not be happy, You just can't bring sacrifices here... Sacrifices truly make you happy. Sacrifices could maybe put a smile on Avital's face...
Meat makes us happy. Exactly.

Why did you shave? You look like an idiot... I could've told you. You don't shave. There is stuff under there. You had no idea. Now, you smile and it looks weird.
You smiling without your beard looks scary...

I can tell you. Driving to shul is not keeping Gd's commandments. You have down the part of not being good Jews outside of Yerushalayim... I know it makes you happy.
 
I'm not happy, because we are in Topeka. Not Jerusalem... Of course you have to do Mitzvot here. It just means nothing...
You can be happy here. You're just no before H'... Not with the wait between MIncha and Maariv. Not with Baruch sitting in the front left. Who's the idiot that is making us wait forty-three minutes?... This is why we're not happy. This random calendar was put together fifty-six years ago, and now we have to stick to it... That is not tradition. That is a mistake. They based it on the solar calendar. It's not even a Jewish calendar. Yom Kippur does not fall out on September 25th every year...

Yes. The Finkelwitzs are happy they got rid of their kid for the summer. And I am happy the shul Wordle is finally over. You can be happy. You just can't eat.

(Devarim 12:18) 'You will eat before H' in the place H' chooses.... and you will be happy before H".'
There are places to be happy. That is Jerusalem. Not here. Not with a forty-three minute Mincha Maariv. And Phil's double chin does not make anybody happy. Cover it up. You scared the kids...
You can be happy here. It's just that you can't. Not with the front left.
Can we be happy no in Jerusalem? Can we be happy in Topeka? With a congregation that doesn't even know how to play Wordle? Can you be happy in Jerusalem with our membership? No...
The word was 'on-time.' If it was 'late' you would've gotten it. If it was 'drink alcohol before Musaf' you would've gotten it. If it was

You can't be happy at camp, not in Jerusalem, when you're paying 12K for three weeks.
Certain activities you do make you happy... Not seeing Phil without a beard makes me happy...

Rivka’s Rundown
The parents are truly not happy spending 12K a kid for camp. That's what makes it a Mitzvah. It's a way for them to feel the mourning of the Temple.

They had a paper football tournament during Davening. Now you can't even concentrate for prayers in the chapel. Constant paper football playing going on. Since the rabbi's sermon, paper football is tantamount to learning Torah and living in Jerusalem.

I had no idea it was Phil. He's a different man without the beard. The beard truly works for Phil. It's an excellent fat camouflage for him.

The rabbi finally called somebody an idiot. I have been waiting for that for years.
Messed up Davening times. They're fools.
The 'on the calendar' thing is getting very annoying. They miswrote the wedding. The Simchawitz family had to pay eight thousand dollars for that faux-pa.
'It's on the calendar, so we do it.' That's the decision of the board. I am assuming that fifty years ago, the board members were just as dumb as they are now.
The calendar got the date for Rosh Hashana wrong. The board almost decided to celebrater Rosh Hashana a week early.

The shul Wordle game was a very frustrating project. That's all people were doing during the week. At least those discussions stopped me from having to hear about their children and their lawns. Everybody has been talking about their lawns this summer. And they all look disgusting. Unmowed. Trees not trimmed. Phil took more off his face than the Feinblooms took off their lawn.
I couldn't believe nobody got 'on-time.' I can tell we didn't get a Minyin till 10:15am that day. The rabbi was waiting a very long time for people to show up.

To make people happy, the rabbi decided we're going to have a weekly gaga game on Shabbis afternoons, before Shalishudis. Gaga makes people happy. I think it's the whacking the ball at other members of the shul that you can't stand. It brings a smile to your face. The rabbi said, 'We're not in Jerusalem, and we can't sacrifice animals. Even so, we can be happy if we hurt each other.'

I was asked this question: My child is asking for more money. We spent nine thousand dollars on camp and now they need more money. How did the Jewish summer camp canteens start? Is it Jewish tradition to take a lot of money from parents?
I will answer this by taking you on the journey of Jewish history and the development of the canteen. It is definitely Jewish tradition to put on weight. Is it tradition to spend nine thousand dollars on three weeks of camp? Let's delve into how it all began.

The First Canteens
Canteens started back in the seventh century. People used these bottles to hold water. They first tried using them for alcohol back in the 1300s, but they found that it was hard to sneak in full size canteens to bars. Thus, the introduction of flasks; also known as small canteens for people who don't have to go to work.

Canteens Are for Drinking
Circa 1982, Jews realized that nobody likes drinking water. Jews had not hiked for millennia, and this water was not quenching the necessary thirst of the suburban Jew. So, they started putting what they call bug juice into the canteens.
People loved the new juice, as did cicadas.

There Was an Issue
In 1983, for some reason, though they were drinking out of canteens, the Jewish campers were more sluggish and heavier. The question of 'why' came up, but they couldn't figure out the issue. The campers complained, 'I can't carry this thing. It's too much.'
They asked the camp rabbi and the rabbi said that it's hard work for children to carry canteens. To quote: 'Jewish children should not have to work so hard. And the bug juice should be cold. This stuff is room temperature. This is not right for our Jewish children. How can we expect our children to survive drinking lukewarm.' And they proposed the idea for camps to provide refrigerators. The ‘each child deserves a fridge’ campaign was too much, as they were too heavy to carry around on the hikes. How hikes made their way to Jewish summer camp is a very disturbing time in Jewish history, as is what is known as overnights. Two things that the Jewish community has fought against, along with anti-Semitism and thick crusted pizza.
The camp directors said, 'This is crazy. Why should kids have to carry around canteens?! We'll make a canteen that kids can walk into.' And thus, they made canteens where you could walk into the bug juice. 
Kids complained about the walking.

What Was in the Canteen
At first, the kids walked into the canteen and saw bug juice. They drank it. One child, I believe her name was Sarah Rivkah, yelled, 'This is not quenching my thirst.' So, they gave her a sour stick and her thirst was quenched.
Being that they could only find sour pops and Sunkist fruit gems, the kids were not happy. They were writing home, and their parents responded by sending them what is known as 'packages.' Packages are a box of stuff that campers get to remind them that they're not at camp. Packages were filled with Paskesz. Whatever Paskesz could make. And to this day, thirst is quenched with sour sticks and Jelly Bellys. Twizzlers also quenches the thirst of Jewish children at summer camp, as is seen by the letters of package request. Somehow Paskesz also makes Twizzlers. How Paskesz found a way to put their name on all candies in Seasons is another piece of Jewish history.
And that is how we have the modern-day canteen.

They Weren't Making Enough Money Off Parents
The cost for one month of camp was at fifty-five hundred dollars. The camp directors were at a crossroads. 'What do we do? We are only charging twelve thousand dollars for a summer. Required tips are only at three thousand dollars. Parents should be spending more!' First, it was decided that the canteen should work as Paskesz dispensary. That pulled in some money.
After years of discussion, one member of the camp directors' union went to a bar in shorts. He snuck in Paskesz sizzler sugar pebble paper (you can eat the candy and the paper- heavenly) and a banana sugar bottle (also used as a gateway candy). Thinking back to the tradition of why canteens were used for water in the first place, the head counselor suggested, 'Let's start tabs. It works in bars.'
All of the sudden kids were buying more Paskesz.

Tabs Got Bigger
Kids get a tab. In the beginning, there was an issue. Parents knew about the tabs. They put limits on the amount a child could spend in the canteen. That's not fun. Any Jewish day school child can tell you that. And limits for an eight-year-old is not as profitable way to make money off of elementary schoolers. The Jewish National Fund knows this.
So, the decision was made to give kids autonomy. Let them decide. And that is when the 'kids should decide for themselves' movement began in the year 2016, along with BDS.
They stopped asking parents if it was OK and started sending bills to the parents. Tabs were limitless, Paskesz was happy, children were happy, and fruit bottles filled with candy sugar in the form of cocaine was abundant. And parents had to get summer jobs.
To keep their children from child services, parents did not fight the idea of elementary school kids deciding how much candy they should have. And now parents get bills for eight thousand dollars of sour sticks and candy rings at the end of the summer. And the camps stopped giving ice cream for dessert. Those are sold at the canteen. You can put an ice cream sandwich on your tab.
And now the camp charges parents for full board, and sells your child hamburgers and pizza at the canteen.

CONCLUSION
And that is how kids put on weight while playing sports all day.
'How did my kid put on weight at a sports camp?' They were playing tennis, basketball, football, soccer, hockey. They ran track at camp. And they went to the canteen.
 
And that is how you went broke. And that is why parents only send their kids to summer camp for a month, which is three weeks now.

And to this day, Jewish summer camps are the only place where an eight-year-old has autonomy as to a candy tab. And the camp still serves meals before charging your kid for pizza, fries, onion rings and Paskesz.

And packages today consist of fans, air-conditioners and sofas, so that kids should not feel like they're in The Mountains for the summer.
And when parents visit on visiting day, they carry with them a flask.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Zionists with the American flag shawls, what Simchas look like when nobody wants to be there, and what it looks like when Romans are trying to destroy Jerusalem, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his knowledge on when you can tell non-religious relatives will be getting an Aliyah.

Announcements
We are asking people to not exercise during Kiddish. Exercise showing at Kiddish is making families uncomfortable. Parents have stopped bringing their kids to shul, in fear that their child will have to see Ben in an ungodly position doing burpees.
 
The enhanced Kiddish this week is sponsored by the shul. Nobody has given anything to the Kiddish. Just letting you know. Again, nobody has stepped up to support the food. Dues will be raised due to Kishka.
 
Please wait till after Layning to drink alcohol. We understand it's hard to be in shul and listening to the Torah untoxicated. Your families are in shul and we see your children. We all have reasons to drink. Understood. And there's a Chazin. He'll bring you to drinking.
 
Support local businesses. People are complaining the butcher raised his prices. It is a communal shop. We understand it is a business. But it is a community business. He needs your support. So, you have to buy from the butcher to go to heaven.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts 
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Devarim 8:11) 'Guard yourself, lest you forget H' your God, by not keeping His Mitzvot...' The back left of the shul... That's what happens when you don't guard yourself. You start drinking in the middle of services... You can't remember Gd when you're nursing a hangover with alcohol and sleeping during the sermon. I don't even know if Rick hears this...
You definitely forgot to support the butcher. When I saw you at Kroger. In the meat section!!!

You forget Gd when you don't do Mitzvot. When you go out and drink during Layning every Shabbis... You're sleeping. You definitely forget to stay up for Davening. You were snoring during the Kedusha.

It's because you have it too good. You have too much money. You buy single malts. You become snobby. If you were a decent person, drinking Smirnoff and Farbrengening, you would be good Jews... A Farbrengen is where you drink for H'.

(Devarim 8:12-14) 'Lest you eat and be satisfied, and build good houses... and your heart grows haughty, and you forget the Lord, your Gd, Who has brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage'... and flocks too. Yes. I am suggesting slavery...
It's because you have money. If you were broke, you would believe in Gd more. I've never seen Mike with his Mercedes praying to Gd. Ruchel and her Porche, cruising... Never have I heard Uncle Moishy coming out of those vehicles. Their listening to the Dixie Chicks.

You get an ego when you have a second-story on your house. I've seen you walking up the flight of stairs with pride... It's ego. You've forgotten Gd.
You get an ego when you have sheep.
You get an ego and you froget H'.  You stop sponsoring Kiddish.
You start to think that you don't have to buy from the butcher anymore... I know he charges a lot. You buy from him, you go broke, and you start praying to H' again... So, that you can afford meat.

The problem is you enjoy the food too much. Try the Schwartzman Kugel. You eat their food for Shabbis lunch and you'll want to pray to H' for a decent dinner. You'll remember H'.

I am suggesting slavery and starving a bit. Then you'll appreciate the Schwartzmans...

Yes. That is being Jewish. Eight dollars a pound of chicken is a Mitzvah.
The butcher is a person too... You have it good. You have a nice home. You can pay thirty dollars for a pound of lox. And the butcher has forgotten Gd...

Layning is going on 'I need alcohol.' That is your response.

You've forgotten H'. You're so focused on yourself. You're doing stretches in the middle of Musaf... Yes. It's awkward. I can't even go to Kiddish without seeing you in some kind of tumbling routine. Russian twists right near the Kichel?!
Do you do Russian twists at the butcher?! That would keep customers out.
If you weren't intoxicated, you would understand that Russian twisting is wrong in the middle of Layning, on the Bima... No. You don't need to stretch for an Aliyah.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I suggested butcher memberships. If they pay dues, people won't feel bad when spending twelve dollars on a hot dog.
After reading the announcements, I am not going to heaven. I don't have enough money for heaven. I am broke enough to believe in Gd, but too broke to go to heaven on a fifteen dollar piece of shnitzel. This is a catch twenty-two.

By the way, there's a lot of sheep ego in our shul.

What is about shul that makes people need to drink? Is it the Ner Tamid light over ark? Is it Shabbis?
I heard the guy go over to his friend during the Chazaras Hashatz (the cantor's repetition of the Amidah prayer), 'I need alcohol right now.' He truly needed it. Couldn't wait till Musaf. He was in shul and needed a drink. The guy just got to shul. Being in shul caused an anxiety attack that he might have to go through a whole seven Aliyahs sober.

Ben has gotten real involved in the gym life. Now he shows people his exercises. Forget about shul, It looks weird to see somebody exercising in public anywhere. Even in a park it looks weird. There are kids at the jungle gym and this guy is doing pull-ups and burpees.
I asked him to show me. In my defense. I thought Russian twists were a baked good.

The rabbi's lesson is beautiful. You go broke, you have it bad. That is how you believe in H'. And that is why half of the membership doesn't pay dues.

What are these enhanced Kiddishes?! I'm getting bothered by the word 'enhanced.' It's a Kiddish. If there isn't brisket it's not being enhanced.
Still can't stand the word. Call it a big Kiddish. That sounds normal. Now we have Enhanced Kiddishes and Festive Friday Night Dinners. I feel like anywhere I go in shul I might get hit by confetti. Now they're going to be planning a Jubilant Morning Prayer Service. I just want a nice relaxed service with a good Heimish dinner and a Kiddish that has choolante and Kugel.
By the way, I am fine with people not sponsoring Kiddish. Dues are up to twenty-two hundred dollars (that's a literal catch twenty-two). I think that works towards a Kiddish.

The rabbi should've never told the front left about the Fabrengens. Now they're coming in drunk for 'holy reasons.'
Why they don't sit in the back still baffles me. People in our shul hide nothing. Be it cheaping out on a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, tailgating Musaf, or doing burpees on the Bima.

How they find you, I don't know. But Jewish Organizations will find you. They will get your dues. Don't try hiding from the Jewish Federation. They know who you are. They know where you live.
Many people have asked me how to avoid the Jewish nonprofits. I will do my best to help you steer clear of the Federation. It won't work. Even so, I will share some methods with you. People have tried these.

Change Your Number
Do you have friends, siblings, a bunk-mate from Camp Shalom in first grade, anybody you thought you'd go into business with, a mechanic you stopped going to eight years ago, a cashier at Marshall's who rung up a pair for trousers? They will find them. Then, they will find you.

Change Your Address
Many have. You do what you can to not have anybody contacting you on Super Sunday. Changing your address is not enough. Everybody in town knows Schwartz is Jewish. You have to move to a country that has not seen Jews yet. Malaysia could work.
Even in a country without Jews, I would not feel safe. I am sure there's a Chabad in Malaysia. They'll find you. I thought Singapore would work. There are Chabads everywhere.

Change Your Last Name
Jewish women have tried this for centuries. They still find them.

Lose Your Job
People have quit work in hopes that the Jewish National Fund will stop calling. It hasn’t worked. They have access to your retirement account.

Say You're Single
That might keep them away. It worked with the ladies. It's kept away every potential soulmate you've come across. Hopefully they won't consider you part of the Jewish community, due to your patheticness.
Either that, or they'll charge you as though you're a family. It's a Jewish community one-for-the-price-of-two deal. In know that Shuls charge you double for being single, as a way to try to keep you out.

Join Another Sect
Chabad will still find you.

Tell Them You Fell on Hard Times and You Need Money
They will tell you that you still have to tithe.

Go to Olam Haba
My parents are in Olam Haba, may they rest in peace. They're trying, but Jewish organizations are still hounding them for money. They still call. You can be gone from this world for fifteen years, the youth group will still call you for your yearly donation.
They track you down. You can be in heaven, relaxing, they'll call. And they'll still send you calendars. Why you need calendars in heaven, I don't know. But they still expect you to pay dues.
I've tried it all. It doesn't work. Some have passed away to avoid paying pledges. They will find you.

The only way to avoid them hunting you down is if you move to Israel. If you make Aliyah, the nonprofits give up on you. Moving to Israel was the smartest thing I ever did. Ever since, Jewish organizations don't ask me for money.
Once you move to Israel, they know you're not going to support the Jewish community. Even the Israeli government, with their army, can't get money from Jews.

Announcements
No Shidduchim this Tu BAv. We want the singles to enjoy themselves. Your ideas bring no joy to the singles. Your ideas bring depression, and lack of hope for love.
Note to Congregants: There is a reason none of them are dating each other at the shul. This is why we ask Ruchel to stay away, so they can talk to each other. Ruchel gets too involved. Kiddish is the only time for them to meet. We can't ask the single men pay for meals of the women of the congregation on their dates. We know, based on the fact they don't pay full dues, they don't have the money. Kiddish is the only time they can look classy.
 
Matchmakers cannot be part of the speed dating event. The singles are not looking to meet Shadchans. They're looking to meet other singles.
 
For a Yahrzeit you bring food. That means babka. No Entenmann's. The congregants expect Latkas Bakery cinnamon babka. If it's not cinnamon and from Latka, they will not pray for an Aliyas Nishama.
 
Chesed Call: Single people are still members of our community. Even if you don't like them and they're losers.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 4:14) Moshe tells the people that at Mount Sinai, 'H" commanded me at that time, to teach you the laws and ordinance, that you should do them in the Land...' With you guys there's never a right time. You're always complaining. Every time I teach an ordinance, Shlomo is playing Wordle on his phone... I know we're not in Israel. That's not the point. You can still be a decent Jew...
Setting up people with other singles who have the uglies is not a law. You get too involved. You're a Yenta... That means you're annoying.
They know what ugly is.

There are rules. I know that people don't see the sign that says 'parking for the rabbi,' but there are rules...

They see each other at Kiddish every week. They don't need you throwing out ideas. 'Mark. This is Sharon...' They just ate Kichel together. They can ask each other out if they like each other...
You guys get too involved... No. You don't sit on the other side of the table at speed dating. They have to talk to each other... You're married, Ruchel. You shouldn't be speed dating... Date your husband. He gets jealous. You spend all of your time with the singles... Don't tell me it's for Shidduchim. We know your husband can't stand your Shidduch ideas...

H' commanded me because you can't handle it. I give over ideas...
Do something. Why does H' need to command me to tell you to do stuff? Because you're lazy. You shlub. We couldn't even move you from the smorgasbord to the hall at Kelsey's wedding.
Even on dates. You shlub around... I understand the carving station was excellent. And the potato puffs and pigs in the blanket. Truth is the smorgasbord was better than the meal. Should've stayed at the smorgasbord.

(Devarim 4:16) You heard but you didn't see 'lest you act corruptly and make a carved image.' Nobody wants to see your art. I saw what you did with paper mache. Why that thing is still in the front hall of the shul...
You see things... You hit on a young guy.
And if you saw it, would you do it?! No You're lazy. You shlub.

It's the eyes. That's the issue. If the singles just heard the voices of the others they might be attracted... Would you be attracted to some of these... It's speed dating because they're ugly. They want out of there...
No. You have no right to be offended. They didn't reject you... You can't be rejected as a matchmaker. Even if you're an ugly Shadchan...
They rejected your idea because it was a dumb idea. They eat Kichel together every Shabbis... I'm educating you now.

Then you start serving false gods, praying to the sun and you get kicked out of Israel... What Moshe is saying is, 'Practice the Mitzvot. Maybe show up to Minyin. Don't act like Bernie.'

These are laws. You bring food for people to make a Bracha on a Yahrzeit... You didn't bring cake. That's why nobody cared they died... You brought Entenmann's. No babka. No herring. Not even Stella D'oros... Rules. I am educating you now.

They're single. You don't have to be nasty about it... Your tone was off. It was offensive. You say 'single,' it's offensive. The word. It should be 'master of your house.' That wouldn't be offensive... It was the way you asked 'They're single?!' They were right there... They're members of our community. I understand they're pathetic, but they pay dues sometimes... Samantha pays dues. At least be nice to her.

Rivka’s Rundown
I appreciate the rabbi finally educating the congregation. They need these lessons. 'Don't act like Bernie' is a very valuable teaching. And now, I hope that we'll finally get some decent food when somebody says Kaddish.

Nobody knows what the verb shlub means. Why should you not shlub when you have excellent food right there. They had the pigs in a blanket, wraps. They even had a carving station. Why would we leave the smorgasbord?! I'm shlubbing out of there.
I can tell you, the boys in our congregation show up on dates and don't even tuck in their shirts. They're shlubbing. Even so, if you go on a date and they have a carving station, and his shirt is untucked, that's fine.

They get so involved in the dating process. I don't think there's one member of our shul that's not a matchmaker. At the speed dating event last year, one member kicked a single girl out of her spot and said, 'I can do this better than you.' She then told the girl that she likes the guy. The girl never spoke to the guy. That woman's husband was not happy when he found out that his wife participated in speed dating. To better their marriage, they did speed date night. Once a week, they would go out to get away from the kids for three minutes.
One Shadchan popped into a cafe and asked Shmuel to pay for her meal.
It is bad. Ruchel won't let them talk at Kiddish. She gets too involved in the relationships. Once she was offended that a couple renovated their home and didn't add a room for her.

Ethel brought cake and schnapps the next day, to make up for her father's Yahrzeit. The members of the shul started to respect her.
To get respect, you have to bring food for the congregants. Otherwise, there is no reason for them to know you.

Why Ruchel brings up Shidduch ideas to her husband still baffles my mind. It's like she's trying to get him out of their marriage.

We had to announce that single people are people. The president of the shul said, 'They are people.' Many single people thanked the board for them announcing they're part of the community.
It was important to announce that single people are people. I sometimes look at them and wonder if they are truly individuals. Are they even human beings? Are they a different race of people?

Being old and single, you learn a lot. If you're single, I pray you meet the right person and get married, so you don't have to deal with awkwardness of shul. If you're getting old and still not with somebody, here is what to expect from the people in the community.

Weird Looks During Davening
Why are they not wearing a Tallis? That is what they will be thinking about during the Amida. During the prayer about killing our oppressors, they'll be thinking about you not wearing a Tallis.
For the girls, they'll be asking, 'Is her head covered?' 'I don't think so. I think it's just fluffy. She has very frizzy hair.' 'She should get married for the shaytel. She'll look better with a wig.'

People Worried About You
That means leftovers.
'Do they know how to cook? Can single people cook?' This is what people are asking. This is what they're talking about when they're staring at you in shul, wondering what somebody so old is doing without a Tallis or Shaytel. They're trying to figure out how you got so heavy without the ability to prepare food.
And be ready to take back food. Shabbat dinners. Simchas. Shiva houses. Potlucks. Dropping off a gift. They will clear their kitchen and give it to you. You're single and thus have room in your fridge.
Somebody will find you at Kiddish and make sure you have food so that you can live. This is why your community built an Eiruv. So, you can take sponge cake home.

Random Shidduchim
Anybody traveling through town is a date. You're wondering what you have in common with every person traveling through town. In my case, I can tell you, they're in Rochester.
You're wondering if these people that have been around you since your were a toddler truly know you. They don't. After being set up by these people, I am sure they have no idea.

Everybody Trying to Set You Up
When they talk to you, they are trying to set you up. If you haven't received any ideas for matches in a while, that is because you're pathetic. They're thinking and trying, but there is nobody for you. They're trying to set you up and trying to figure out why you can't cook.

Awkward Moments With Aunts
When you reject their nephew, they will be offended. You will have to let them down. This means that at shul, every week, you will run into your ex matchmaker. It's an extremely awkward experience when somebody is mad at you and you didn't even reject them.

People Are Protective of their Children
Do not be surprised if parents are running down the shul halls yelling, 'Stay away from him. He's single.' Women don't have to deal with this. Single women can grab little kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Take them to the park. Take them on vacation without telling their parents. They can even babysit.
When you walk down the halls to use the washroom, my male friend, you'll notice parents clenching their kids tight. That's because of you. You're old and single and scary.
Do not offer to lead youth groups. Do not show up to little league baseball games. Even if it's your niece, stay away. People get arraigned for showing love to family. Do not play paper football, even if you loved the game growing up. Your joy scares people. Do not eat cookies. Kids like cookies. Do not acknowledge any family picture your friends post on Facebook. Their expression of pride in their children. They're trying to frame you.

They Will Call You a Child
A Bachur. Until you get married, you're a boy. A Bachur. If you're eighteen and married, you're a man. If you're sixty-three and single, you're a Bachur.
I don't know what they call women. If you're a woman, you're a woman. It's the man's fault you're single. If you're a man, it's your fault you're single. You're immature and a loser, and still just reached puberty.
They will ask you to open up the ark for Anim Zemirot.

Comments That Make No Sense
'It will happen.' I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.'
They looked at me and said, 'It will happen.' It was a very sincere 'it will happen,' as if somebody passed away.
This is what you will hear at Kiddish. I suggest to stay away from Kiddish. However, you're single and can't cook, and they have choolante.

They Will Expect You To Help
If there is a person that needs help walking to shul, you're the one. If they need to set up the tables for the community event, you're the one. If cleaning needs to be done, you're single. You have time.
If they need somebody to watch over the kids, they will not ask you, the old single scary Bachur. Truth be told, this article is for the single man. Single women are not scary.

Girls Looking at You Weird When You Ask them Out
You didn't realize you're supposed to ask out a Shadchan first.
If you're attracted, stay away. You want to find they're married aunt. You ask the aunt out. I hope you appreciate the knowledge I am imparting unto you.

Sit at the Kids Table
They will still sit you at the kids table. With all of this. They still sit you at the kids table. You're single. They're single. You're a Bachur. They're Bachurs and Bachuras. Who knows what will happen?!
At least you get to sit at the Bar Mitzvah boy's table. That's cool. And you get chicken fingers!!!
Again. They're testing you. Don't talk to the kids.

If I was you, I would start wearing a Tallis and telling people you're divorced. And I am not suggesting you start making single friends. That will get you invited to potluck dinners with people who can't cook.

The Prelude
It was the week of Tisha BAv and everybody was about to say the Tachnun prayer. They started with 'VHu Rachum.' To which Menachem cried out, 'It is not Maariv.' The rest of the Wise Men and Women reminded him that 'VHu Rachum' is part of Tachnun, in the mornings, as well. To which Menachem responded, 'I have such a Zechut (an honor) to be part of such a wise community.'
To which they responded, 'We should all cry out during Tachnun.'

Tachnun Before Tisha BAv?
It was at this moment that Yankel, or Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha as his friends know him (a nickname they gave him), jumped in and abruptly stopped everybody, 'But we must not say Tachnun. For the Artscroll says you don't recite "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan until the day after Shavuos (some congregations do not resume Tachun until 14 Sivan); Tisha BAv; 15 Av;...' And he continued to stress, 'There is a semicolon between Shavuos and Tisha BAv.' And all of the Wise Men and Women asked why he read the parenthesis.
Never had the Wise Men and Women confronted such a perplexing question, such as raised by the Artscroll Siddur.

What Do We Do?
Shprintza explained, 'We cannot say it, for Yankel is correct and he said "don't recite."' 'Recite' is proof of prayer, as the Wise Men and Women concluded 'we must not pray.'
But what does the Artscroll mean?! Is Tisha BAv in the month of Sivan?! And they discussed. And nobody wanted to say Tachnun if they didn't have to. 'That is a wise decision,' shouted Lazer. So, they went to the rabbi.
They came to the rabbi with the issue. 'But the Artscroll says "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan..." and there is a semicolon.' And Rabbi Fishel said, 'The Artscroll means that you don't say it on the day of Tisha BAv.' And Reuven shouted, 'That's why he's our rabbi.' And all cheered.

The Rabbi Explains
In fervor, all listened to the rabbi, as he elucidated and gave a pilpul on the meaning of '; Tisha BAv;' He told them that it means we don't say Tachnun the week before Shavuos. Rabbi Fishel explained, 'But the semicolon separates them. It is the week of Shavuot, semicolon. If there was a comma and an "and" after the second comma, then it would mean the week before Tisha BAv as well.' And the Pshat on Semicolons was given.

Epilogue
For months the Wise Men and Women were trying to figure out how Tisha BAv was in Sivan and not in Av.

And the community stopped searching for a new rabbi, as they knew Rabbi Fishel was the wisest rabbi of all. To quote Sarah Shaindel, 'Only such a wise rabbi as ours can offer an exegesis on the Artscroll's notes to Tachnun. Such a clear commentary on the Artscorll's notes one has yet to have heard. Not even Rashi, the great commentator, did he give a Pshat on Artscroll.' To which Reuven shouted, 'And that's why he's our rabbi.'
And from then on, Rabbi Fishel had to deal with questions as to why some Artscroll Siddurs didn't have Tehilim in the back.

Yankel continued to protest, as he could not figure out why there was a semicolon. And to this day, nobody knows what a semicolon means.

The community was not happy. They were all hoping to get out of saying Tachnun. As the Wise Men and Women pointed out, 'Tachnun is way too long and it makes us not want to come to shul. Not saying Tachnun makes us happy.' It was also pointed out that nobody cared about Pinchas and Freida's wedding. They were just happy they didn't have to say Tachnun that morning in shul. To quote, 'That is a Simcha.'
Lazer injected, 'I haven't eaten challah for two years, in fear that I will have to say Birkat Hamazon.' To which the Wise Men and Women agreed, 'It is almost as painful as having to say Tachnun.'

The Artscroll read, 'Some communities say this.' Duvidel asked, 'What does "some communities don't say" mean?' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'Communities that don't show up to shul on time.' 'Exactly,' responded Yankel. To which Fayge shouted, 'That's my Gabai.' 
And all were so proud of their Wise Rabbi and Gabai.
Years later, they bought new Siddurs and fired the rabbi. 

Throughout the land, they couldn't find another Shprintza, with no other name attached. Just a one named Shprintza was not found. They found Ruchel Shprintzas, Sarah Shprintzas, Bayla Shprintazas. But no Shprintza. And that is why they all know her as Shprintza.

Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming and the shul's air-conditioning is not working. We hope that is helpful.
 
The panel discussion for mental health will take place on Tuesday. We suggest Shoshi, Sherri, Shoshana, Shana, Sheryl, Sherlie, Ethel, Berel, Leibel, Muttel and Shloimy show up. There are other people who should be there, as they also have no idea how to interact with other people at Kiddish. Merv also makes everybody uncomfortable with his jokes.
A panel discussion on why Bernie is so annoying will be hosted by the rabbi next month.
 
We are asking somebody to take the shul's Tallis to the cleaners. It smells disgusting. It actually smells like the history of the shul.
 
No more Yashkoyachs in the shul for people who get an Aliyah. They do nothing. Give your Yashkoyach to the Bal Koreh. The one who prepared. The one who spent fifteen hours and their childhood working on the Torah reading. And no Yashkoyach for opening the ark. Pulling a string is not a feat.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Again. Complaining... That's what Moshe was talking about. We see it in his speech in Devarim...
No. Moshe's sermon was longer than mine. The whole Sefer... You still complain. We don't go into Israel because of your complaints. The last shul trip didn't happen because you were worried about the heat, Bella... And nothing about big grapes. I love them. I love big grapes. I would've moved to Israel. I would've taken the grapes from the spies, eaten them and moved to Israel... Of course I would've taken Maser first. I would've tithed...

Even Moshe says he needs help to deal with your annoyingness... (Devarim 1:12) 'How can I carry by myself your bothersomeness, your burdens and your fighting?!' Thank you for saying it Moshe. Thank you. This is why Moshe is our greatest leader. They are annoying. I know... I have Bernie sitting in the front right. I know. I go to Kiddish with them. I even have to deal with their Bar and Bat Mitzvah plans... No. I don't care if there is a bouncy house.
I see them every Shabbis. And the fights. 'I want Sheni. I want Shelishi. Wah Wah Wah. Wah Wah Wah.' And you don't even Layn... You can barely make the walk, Max. It take you three minutes to get up to the Bima... It's this selfishness that is the reason for Tisha BAv...

Rashi explains, the people were difficult to deal with. Even in court they would bring more witnesses just to cause problems... Anything to win. Kind of like getting into an argument with Rivka... We already decided we're doing meat for Shalishudis... We're religious. We don't say Seuda Shelishit... Or the third Shabbat meal. Shalishudis... You don't have to keep telling me that brisket is better than pasta. Tuna and egg salad do go well with pasta though. And that is why it's shul tradition to always have tuna for Shalishudis.
They were also skeptical of Moshe. They questioned Moshe's motives... My motives are to get out of here. To not deal with messed up BBQs and panels, and a Shacharit that takes two hours because Felvel still can't read Hebrew... The don't lead. That's an idea.
My motives are to not have to wish people Yashkoyachs for everything. The guy opened up the ark... He kept pulling the closing string. Three minutes of curtain banging. Yashkoyach for not being able to figure out that there is another side to the sting... Well those window curtains with the angles are impossible to open and close. Nobody can figure out the right angle on those screens to keep them in place...
You're the reason for Tisha BAv...

We'll find other leaders... That's exactly what Moshe says. He tells them that he'll give them leaders from their houses and tribes... Exactly. Now they have to deal with annoying questions about having mousse cake at the Bat Mitzvah.
This is when delegation starts. He delegates the issues. You. This is why we have Tisha BAv... You.
No answer. There is no answer to your annoyingness. Just 'find me other people to deal with you.'

Next year, we need a Tisha BAv panel discussion on the back left in the shul and why they are the reason for hatred amongst the Jewish people... Maybe if you made some decent mousse cake for Shalishudis, we would have Shalom.

We can all be leaders nowadays. Now that we don't have Moshe, we have to try to not be like the back left section. Right there... Being a leader means passing on our beautiful tradition.
We don't have a Beit Hamikdash, and now you want to clean the Tallis?! Does tradition not mean anything to you...

Forget about the Beis Hamikdash. I'm burning. Where is the air-conditioning?! You can't have Shalom when it's eighty-two degrees in the shul. At night... The board is the reason for Tisha BAv.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was so happy. This was the first sermon where he just thanked Moshe. He didn't have to say anything extra. Moshe let out his anger in the Torah on behalf the rabbi.
By the way. The rabbi loves grapes.

Why announce the air-conditioning is not working? Even when it is working, they set it to seventy-three.
There is nothing positive about the air-conditioning not working on the longest fast day of the year, on the hottest day of the year. The board should've just said, 'We messed up and we don't want people coming to shul.'
All of Tisha BAv there were fights in shul. It was too hot. Everybody was on edge. We needed leaders to deal with the anger.

That Tallis truly does smell disgusting. It smells like Bernie.

'You're the reason for hatred... You're the reason for Tisha BAv.' What a beautiful lesson. Every Shabbis I go over to thank the rabbi and wish him a Yashkoych.
Their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are annoying. What happened to the pigs in the blanket?! Now. It's bouncy houses and chicken fingers.

I believe panel discussions have turned into a passive aggressive way of saying other people are very annoying and you don't want to see them in shul. Mark suggested a panel discussion about how Sheryl always parks in his parking spot.
Truth is that those who showed up to the mental health panel discussion were all judged. Everybody at Kiddish said they had mental health issues, and only come to shul because they like the free food and need it for conversation. That's what the discussion at Kiddish was, over the choolante that everybody was raving about.
They should have a panel discussion on what to serve for Shalishudis. I'm with the rabbi. You serve tuna and egg salad. And pasta does go well with that stuff. Chips too. Some people in the shul equate Yiddishkeit with brisket. My question is if they ever ate the third Shabbat meal or kept Shabbis before. If they did, they would know that tuna and egg salad are just as vital to Yiddishkeit. And the topic of that panel can be 'Rivka has no idea what she is talking about. And she is annoying.'

Everybody in the shul wants honors, but they don't even Layn, as reading from the Torah is hard. They don't deserve a Yasher Koyachs. Lazy. Some of them expect a Yashkoych for being the tenth one at the Minyin. The guy shows up late and he gets a congratulations.
I think they all learned the lesson the rabbi was trying to impart. I looked around. Nobody wished the rabbi a Yashkoyach after his sermon.

It is the Nine Days, the time of Jewish calamity, and Jews are enjoying themselves in The Mountains not swimming. There's no greater feeling than mourning. So, let's delve into the sadness of this time.
Here are the bad things that happened during this time (Mishnah Taanit 4:6), on Tisha BAv:

The Twelve Spies returned from their mission and spoke disparagingly about the land of Israel, saying stuff like it has big grapes. Which back then was offensive.
The spies' mission wasn't to come back and complain. Truth is, I don't remember one shul trip to Israel where people didn't complain about the heat. Even the spies didn't complain about the heat. And out members are old. The first time they don't feel a draft and they complain.
(Bamidbar Rabbah 16:20) Gd said, 'You cried before me pointlessly, I will make for you (this day as a day of) crying for the generations.' And H' wasn't lying. H' sticks to His word. And Tisha BAv is not a good day. And kids cry at camp every summer, due to their parents abandoning them. And their parents are happy.
Let's see what else happened.

The First Temple was destroyed by Nebuchadnezzar in 586 BCE. The Second Temple was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE. There is something about Tisha BAv that has people thinking it's a good time for destruction during any CE. It's the heat.
I'm telling you, it's the heat. If the spies would've went in Nisan or Iyar when the weather is decent and the grass is blooming, they would've loved it. And the grapes would've been smaller.

The Romans crushed Bar Kokhba’s revolt and destroyed Beitar, killing over 500,000 Jewish civilians in 135 CE. I'm still not over this.
I can tell you, the people in Jerusalem care very much about Beitar to this day. Beiter went thirteen years, prior to 2023, without winning the Israeli Football Premier League Cup. So, don't think anybody forgets Beitar. People do still mourn Beitar sometimes.

Roman commander Quintus Tineius Rufus plowed the site of the Temple, not realizing the city is stone, full of rock. and not optimal for vegetation. Joke's on Quintus.

Some Other Stuff That Happened: More Bad Times
The first Crusades commenced. It was official. They had a parade and killed us.
Jews were expelled from everywhere. When you're expelled from everywhere, where do you go? Russia. The Final Solution received approval. They asked if they should kill the Jews, and the answer was yes. Not much discussion. I believe the answer was, 'Are you an idiot?! Of course you kill the Jews.'
It's the August heat. It gets Europeans wanting to kill Jews. The thought: 'It's 90 outside. The Jews!!!' 'Exactly. Kill them!'
As a Jew, I don't visit Europe during the summers.

Jews disengaged from Gaza. At this point, you would've thought the Israeli government realized it was a bad idea to do stuff on Tisha BAv. Not good PR. A bunch of Apikorsim.
If they would've waited till after Tisha BAv, the residents would've been more compliant. You expect people to move on a fast day?!
At around six in the afternoon, I had a hankering for some split pea soup. That was real hard. That kind of got me a bit emotional. Fast days get me thinking about how I miss split pea. Mushroom and barley doesn't hit the spot on a fast. Just pea. I can go on about the Tisha BAv that we had no split pea.
While I was hungry, I had to sit on a floor and say Kinot for six hours. I had mixed feelings about that, as I was sad. And it feels good to be sad.
There is more stuff that happened on Tisha BAv. I know during COVID my mutual fund plummeted. 
And articles don't come out as funny when you're talking about Jewish massacres and destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples.
​
Let us all pray for redemption and Bracha, and that the local butcher has Osem soup nuts. Those go excellent with split pea soup. 

As The Three Weeks, between the calamities, is upon us, it's important to remember the bad stuff, and to write something that somebody will be offended by. So. What happened on the 17th of Tammuz?
The Mishnah in Taanit (4:6) teaches that five things happened:

1) Moshe broke the Luchot.
He was a bit shocked when he came down from Mount Sinai and saw Maury worshiping a Golden Calf. The guy never had Kavanah (proper intent) during Davening. All the sudden, he's bowing. For this, he has energy. That's when you break tablets. And then to find out that Ruchel gave up her earrings and a bracelet for it. A smack in the face. And I lost a sock. 

2) During the Babylonian siege of Jerusalem, the Jews were forced to cease offering the daily sacrifices due to the lack of sheep. Now people were stuck eating melons.
Nobody talks about the lack of sleep. They got great sleep without the sheep. Before the lack of sheep there was baaing all over the Old City. You couldn't get a good night's sleep. Imagine American Yeshiva kids talking outside your door in the Rova all night. It's the same thing. Painful.

3) Apostomos burned a Torah scroll. Hate the guy. Don't know if he was a Greek or Roman officer. Either way. Hate the guy.
If he would've known how much a Torah costs, he wouldn't have burned it. He would've tried to sell it on the black market. We have to let the anti-Semites know how much Torahs go for, before attacking us. They might want to go into business with us.

4) An idol was placed in the Second Temple. If Apostomos would've burned that, we would've liked him. And I had to get an oil change, which ended up costing sixty-five dollars. That was bothersome. 

5) The walls of Jerusalem were breached by the Romans, in 69 CE, after a lengthy siege. And they didn't have the decency to bring sheep. This led to the destruction of the Second Temple.
There were gates. You knock. We let you in. But Romans are rude.

There is other bad stuff that the Mishnah didn't mention. It turns out, Walmart said Jews in The Mountains can't return their lawn chairs that they used over the summer. They said it was wrong to come back with the used chair at the end of the summer, when they go back to the city and don't need them anymore. It's that kind of anti-Semitism that destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. I'm sure Apostomos was managing that Walmart.
Truly. It's the Chutzpah.

Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming up. Prepare for the Nine Days this week. Please don't cause anybody to speak Lashon Hara by saying something stupid. The rabbi would like to let the congregants know that they're the reason for the destruction.
Also, no new clothes should be bought during this time. Don't do laundry. If everybody looked disheveled like Max, we would be better off as a people.
 
The shul would like to apologize for the Ferkowitz Simcha. It was almost as bad as the Feigenbloom's wedding. We are just happy that it took place during the Three Weeks. The Shabbis Simcha was awful. It reminded us all about the destruction of the Temple, with stale Babka, a meatless choolante, and streamers. The redemption will not come with toothpicks in gefilte fish balls.
 
Highlights from the annual meeting: Everybody shared their opinion.
 
Books were left outside for the kid library for three days. Everybody passed them.  All people at the meeting saw the books piled at the door. We just felt it is important to note that nobody bent to help.
Keeping the shul clean wasn't brought up at the annual meeting. Nor was having a Minyin. People going to Minyin also passed the books and didn't pick them up. We want to thank all of our volunteers. You.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 31:11-14) They brought Moshe and Elazar the spoils of the Midianim, the captives and the animals... 'Moses was angry with the leaders of the army...'
And they make another mistake. Moshe's like 'Not again... the sisterhood chipped the facade again...' Then don't decorate. Every time you decorate the Simcha hall it looks less happy... It looks like the destruction of the Temple... Why do we need streamers in the shul?! The shul doesn't need streamers.

Don't come up with ideas. Your creativity is detrimental to service of Gd.
Surprise!!! Moshe is not happy. 'But we thought we were doing the right thing.'

And you even mess up vows... I hear a promise from you and I'm thinking 'I hope they don't keep that promise... Because when you keep promises the shul ends up with a whole library full of boxes that you dump at the back door, and streamers in gefilte fish balls... Bite-size gefilte fish balls are disgusting. Gefilte fish can be amazing. Tiny balls with a toothpick are...
Your help is messed up... No ideas. Don't think.
We have so much stuff. We don't need more spoils. Your books are spoiled. Your donation of the coat rack... We have a coat rack already. We have a whole coat room... You wanted to throw it out and not get taxed. And then you gave us your coats. You gave us your coat rack with your coats... The Salvation Army said no.
Have you ever seen how angry your donations get me?! And your donations to the food cupboard. You get poor people mad...

So many of you say stupid stuff and you never keep your promises.
You said you were going to diet on New Year's... You have no dieted. There is no way that you have been dieting Mark.
Promises are like vows. I would annul every one of your promises to the shul... Did you give your donation from the Yizkur Appeal?! Exactly. Right after Kol Nidrei, you lie... Annul it all. I would annul your memberships too.
Why don't you vow to pick up the books that have been sitting at the front door for a week?!

Why does Moshe get mad at the leaders? Rashi 'The transgression of a generation is dependent on its leaders. As they have the power to protest.'
The shul has no leaders, so I get mad at everyone...
What have the leaders done? Exactly. No leaders.

Yes. Moshe is mad. He asks (Bamidbar 31:15) 'Did you let the females live?!' Who does that... They caused the Jews to sin. Always causing sin. It's the women... Of course, Moshe had his heart broke. They do it to all of us...

You can make a difference. You can protest wrong.
Not one person brought in the books. Fifty people at the annual meeting. Books still outside... It wasn't even a discussion. And you like to discuss stuff. You didn't even talk about it. Nobody brought up keeping the shul clean. Or Minyin. We haven't had a Minyin, and you're talking about the shul BBQ... No. You talked about the concept of cleaning. A metaphysical concept.

Wasn't even discussed at the annual meeting. Instead, you discussed the new concept of Shul Storage... I know we can make a lot with self-storage in the shul. Instead of the 'please take your books and stuff back to your house bins' we charge people for throwing out their trash...

Why does Moshe get mad?
You do so many things wrong. If you would just listen to me. You don't even Kasher correctly. (Bamidbar 31:21-24) You pass it through the fire and 'you must be purified with the sprinkling water'... Yes. A Mikvah. I know it's disgusting to put it in the Mikvah after Shloimi dunked in it. When was the last time you showered... Even Max showers.
That's why we built the Keli Mikvah... Why is Shloimi dunking himself in the Keli Mikvah? That's wrong... Yes. We can have cameras in the Keli Mikvah.

How about we vow to talk about what is important in shul... Money. Exactly.

This is why it's good that a father and husband can annul a vow... You make dumb decisions.... Maybe vow to smile. Yes. It's the Nine Days. Maybe if you smiled, we'd rebuild the Temple...

This isn't the annual meeting. Your opinions just get your rabbi angry... They would definitely bother Moshe.

Rivka’s Rundown
I believe I heard the rabbi say he was going to annul everybody's membership. That would make for a happier atmosphere in shul.

I think that everybody loves the shul BBQ. If we skipped Minyin on Shabbis mornings and just had a BBQ, more members would show.

The books sat there for three at least three days. Might have been a week.
We've turned the lost-and-found into a donation bin for stuff we're hoping to get rid of. It's a please take your stuff back bin. I know who donated it by who's happy when they pass the bin. They see their donations there and smile, and they leave it. 
The shul got new security cameras. I think it's to figure out who's leaving their trash at the shul. I'm telling you, these people just drop it at the door and run. It's a drop and run. I've seen some throw the stuff out of their car, in hopes that nobody sees them. I know it was the Smithstein family, when we saw the name tags of their eleven-year-old that grew out of the speedo for camp this summer.

The shul as a storage space is a bit much. Though, we do need to figure out what to do with all the books, clothing and disheware. The dishware is wrong. If we just knew who it was, we would be able to tell if it was meat or dairy, or not kosher. Nobody trusts the Hashgacha in the Bergstein home. That's how you know if somebody is religious in the community. If they spit when they hear the Bergstein name.

The Nine Days are truly enjoyed by our community. The congregants are very good at mourning. They never smile.

The annual meeting was like a townhall. Everybody complained about cleanliness and nobody picked up the books. The books are probably still sitting there, and everybody is complaining about cleanliness. They didn't discuss cleanliness. They complained about it. And then they moved on to complaining about the building and who have they have to sit next to during the High Holidays.
Everybody has an opinion. I thought we would be out of there, and then people started asking questions. Questions take a really long time.

The new kids’ library is never clean. The parents never told their kids to clean up after themselves. That should be a vow kids take. 'I vow to clean up after myself.' The parents in our shul would annul that vow. They don't want their kids helping with anything in the shul. They want them to follow in the family tradition.
I believe the message in the homes is: Don't clean up after yourself at shul. We paid dues three years ago.
Somebody had the Chutzpah to ask the rabbi why he didn't pick up the books and bring them in. The rabbi explained that he was trying to teach them a lesson.

The whole thanking the volunteers is getting annoying. They volunteer for the least helpful things. One guy volunteered to get an Aliyah and got mad when he didn't get a thank you note.
Too much credit is given to these people for doing nothing. Nobody volunteered to pick up the books. Volunteer to cleanup. That's a volunteer. The cleaning service doesn't clean anything. They passed those books a few times.

They thanked all the volunteers in the announcements with 'you.' They couldn't come up with anything other than 'you.' That was the activity they did as volunteers. They were them.

I think rabbi proposed that Moshe was mad at women because a girl broke his heart. I get it.
I can definitely tell you that Mark is not dieting. I've seen him at Kiddishes and Simchas. The Ferkowitzs got a bad rap. It's not their fault. Mark devoured all the pigs in blankets before they made it to the smorgasbord.

Many of my students have asked when they should say Yasher Koyach. The true answer is when you want to disrupt Davening (prayers).
However you use Yasher Koyach, we say it too much. Be it Yasher Koyach or Yashkoych, or Shkoych, or Shkoch, or Ych, there are proper times to say it. It is meant to tell somebody 'job well done,' and most people in my congregation are not deserving of that. Now people get a Yashkoych for anything. They sneeze, they get a Yashkoych and they think they did a good job of blowing. Egos inflated for allergies. Here is a list that will help you figure out when to wish a Yashkoych.

Who Deserves a Yashkoych
If they got the Aron curtain right on the first pull, they get a Yashkoych. If they had to pull the string more than twice, they have no coordination. No Yashkoych. Somebody gets an Aliyah. No Yashkoych. They did nothing. The guy Layning deserves a Yashkoych. He prepared. He studied the Parsha. He deserves a Yashkoych and a Kiddish. The guy who calls up people to the Torah. That Gabai gets a Yashkoych. They have to read a bit. The other Gabai standing there, because he can't find a seat. Find him a seat. No Yashkoych for somebody who can't play musical chairs right. If he corrects the guy Layning, he gets a Yashkoych. Even if the guy Layning says it right. As long as he corrects him it's fine. A Yashkoych for getting himself noticed. That shows he was following the Torah reading, even if he can't read Hebrew with Nikdoodot right. That's a something. Guy carrying the second Torah around shul. Give him a little something. A candy. A candy. Candy man gets a Yashkoych and a thank you.
Hagbah, lifting the Torah, Yashkoych. That's a man. Galila, rolling the Torah. If it's somebody over fifteen years old, mock them. Give them the Torah to hold for twenty minutes, while the Hagbah dude goes back to his seat to relax and get some Yashkoychs. If the Hagbah guy opened less than three columns, let him sit there with the Torah. Nobody's scared of him.
Any Aliyah, if they do Mishebeyrachs for their whole family, they relinquish the right to Yashkoychs.
Sponsoring a Kiddish gets a Yashkoych if there is potato kugel. If the Kiddish only had Danish. No Yashkoych. Babka. If it's a decent Babka, a Yashkoych. Sponge cake deserves disappointment. You stop a kid from taking a cookie before the rabbi makes Kiddish. Yashkoych. That's a community leader. Stops by your house to drop off the Babka, a Yashkoych.
Shows up to shul, they get a Shabbat Shalom. No Yashkoych. Gets a hit for the shul softball team, a Yashkoych and an elbow-to-elbow high-five.
Kid getting up for Anim Zemriot. No Yashkoych. Don't need a third grader thinking he's great. Bar Mitzvah boy, no Yashkoych. Bar Mitzvah boy Layns. Definitely no Yashkoych. We don't want to encourage that kid to do that slow Torah reading again. It's painful. Throw candies at the kid real hard. Let him learn a lesson. Bat Mitzvah girl, only gets a Yashkoych if the Bar Mitzvah boy is there. Makes him feel bad. Parents get a Yashkoych, especially after that blessing that says how happy they are that they don't have to 'deal with this punishment' anymore. That blessing helps all parents feel better.

Why It's Important to Not Give Everybody a Yashkoych
We don't need more underachievers in our community. The egos of my congregants are so inflated from over Yashkoyching. Berel got back from the bathroom, he got a Yashkoych. The other guy thought he was coming back from an Aliyah. Now, Berel goes to the bathroom every Shabbis morning during Layning. He gets more respect for that than leading Shacharit.
One guy walking back from the Aliyah. He thought he was a rock star, pointing at everybody, 'Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' He was like Triple H walking out on Monday Night RAW. At a Sefardi Minyin the same guy turned around to the Kehillah (congregation) and shouted, 'Chazak vAmatz to all of you,' and he didn't even buy them a round.
The point is that the Yashkoychs are getting to people's heads, and the guy even messed up the Barchu. He said the second blessing first.

I hope this helps you figure out when to say Yashkoych. If you truly care and want to make somebody smile, say 'Mazel Tov.' Everybody loves a Mazel Tov. It makes them feel like they just celebrated something. For Berel, it was the restroom in the back of the shul.

I got stuck on דף מ"ט

49a
When you damage somebody's field, you pay them back with the best of your field or the best of their field. I don't know which one. That part is very confusing.
Rabbi Yishamel and Rabbi Akiva argue. But they don't argue. But they do. We think they argue.

49b
Nope. They're arguing. Rabbi Yishmael says you have to pay from the best of the fields of the Nizik (the one who got damaged). Rabbi Akiva says from the best of the fields of the one who did the damages, the Mazik.
It's a better deal for the Mazik to pay from the Nizik's best, as your ox damaged all of their stuff already. So, you pay from the best of the trampled-on corn.
And then other people get involved and it gets confusing.

They talk about Tikun Olam (fixing the world) and that is why you have to give from the best of your field, so that people don't steal. If the judges take away your best property, you won't steal. You'll be stuck with the stuff that you stole. And why are you stealing Kias when you have to pay back with a Toyota. Lexus would be a better example. We should've said Lexus. The real lesson here is, don't get caught.

We have a Ketubah so that the husband doesn't get rid of his wife. Without a Ketubah he would drop her right away. It's easier to watch football when you don't have a wife. But when you have to now pay 200 zuz, you think twice about letting her go.
So there is reason to say you can pay her with the best of your field. But maybe it's the worst of your field. All I know is that women want to get married and men want a big screen and a beer.

We learn the laws of marriage from damages and theft. That's how our sages understand marriage.

וכי תימא 'Maybe you'll say'- When the Gemara said this it got more confusing for everybody.

Announcements
The rabbi forgot to announce July 4th last week. We are sorry for his lack of love for America. It wasn't in the announcements either, because of the rabbi.
The rabbi did have a BBQ. The Herman Mishpuchi confirmed that. Don't worry. Nobody missed out. It was just dogs. No hamburgers.
The shul's July 4th parade didn't happen. We want to apologize for not having the parade again this year. It was the rabbi's fault.
 
Glamping group will be meeting at the Walmart parking lot, where they will spend their first night of glamping.
 
No attacking people for Davening too fast. Just because somebody said the Baal Tefillah (Chazin) did Adon Olam too fast does not give everybody the right to jump on the guy. As much as we all like to complain, nobody wants to be in shul longer. Please thank him. If you'd like to blame somebody, blame the rabbi.
 
Shul excercise classes are starting this Monday. The classes will get you in shape for carrying around the Torah, helping setup Kiddish, and showing up to shul on time.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
They counted the people... It's called a census... Well. It makes sense. There was a plague.
When something catastrophic happens, you take a census. That is why we count every day at Shul... This congregation is a plague. Minyin... Almost every Minyin is catastrophic. The Aliyah and ark opening fights... We rarely get a Minyin. So. When people do come, like at a normal shul, we take a census...
They count kids in camp too... The way the shul's day camp is run, you need to take a census. They lose kids all the time... I know we don't count at junior congregation. Because you don't care if we lose your children.

(Bamidbar 26:10) 'Then the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them and Korach with the death of the assembly... a sign...'  That's how you teach a lesson... We're not scaring your kids... The basement didn't swallow your kids. They were playing down there. They got locked in the... We didn't lose them, and they didn't get swallowed by the laundry chute...

Why the swallowing? To teach a lesson. Rashi teaches so that people know to not mess with the Kehuna...
We need signs so that people know to not do Davening too fast, or the congregation will hurt you... A sign to lift the Torah correctly. Felvel broke his back the other day lifting the Torah. A cue. Like 'tighten your stomach'... I would think that the flags around the city and the BBQs would remind you it's July 4th. That's a sign...
We've never had a parade. We've seen other people parade. But our congregants don't parade. Our congregants couldn't walk down Main Street. They can't even walk to shul... I know because you all drive.
Nobody cared when I forgot Yom HaAtzmaut...

The real problem is blame. A lack of wanting to do, yet wanting credit.
You want the Kehuna, but you don't want to help setup Kiddish. You eat... You complain about not getting honors in shul. You scream at the Gabai. None of you want to Layn... We should not give Yasher Koyachs for getting an Aliyah. The guy did nothing. You Layn, you read from the Torah, your get a Yasher Koyach.
Don't mess with the Kehuna and don't mess with the Gabai. From now on, if you get angry about not getting an Aliyah, we hurt you. Either that or you have to help setup Kiddish. And you have to walk to shul...
Never effort. You all show up at 10:30am. It takes you two hours to walk to shul. You must be out of shape...
Pinchas took action. Those who take action don't complain. They don't mess with the Kehuna. They do. They don't blame, like Isaac...

To get mad at the Baal Tefillah is not a Pinchas move. He was leading Davening... He didn't start taking off his clothes in the middle of Chazaras HaShas...
Pinchas would've Davened fast. There is no such thing as Davening too fast. There is appreciation. Anytime one of the kids doesn't lead Ein Keilokeinu, and we can sing the normal tune... Yes. We're thankful when we do the not slow tune.
You get up there and you lead. You don't learn how to lead. You do it. Leading is an action... Leading is not what you're doing when you complain about the rugulach at Kiddish... I understand they have cheese. They're a different kind of rugulach. You don't mess with the butterflake rugulach. Butterflake and cheese is amazing... Then you eat choolante later. Fools.
Who was the fool who said to add more between Brachas and Rabbi Yishmael??? Who are you?... You're not even a member of the shul. You just showed up two weeks ago... Who are you?!
In this shul, you all mess with stuff. Anything good, you mess with. The back left section should be swallowed up... If the earth swallowed up the congregants, we would get a Minyin.

You all complain. You complain about me... I understand you need something to complain about, but you're messing with the shul. Who tells a guy to Daven slower?!!! Who?!!! What is wrong with you... You didn't even want to be the Baal Tefillah...

It's you.
(Bamidbar 26:11) 'The children of Korach didn't die.' Thank Gd. No kids died at camp this summer... You don't blame the children for the faults of their ancestors. We don't blame your kids that you Daven too slow... And we don't blame grandchildren for Bernie. We pray for them... If Korach's kids were at shul, with Shmuli leading Davening, they would've wanted to kill themselves. They would've asked why they're not leading... Because Shumli Davens too slow. He should be stabbed.

We do an early Kiddish with Youth Groups so they can enjoy themselves. They'll starve if they have to wait for Shmuli to finish...
A July 4th BBQ is up to you. It was at my house.

And now you mess with July 4th. The fact you missed July 4th is on you. You didn't prepare. You didn't think about it. You just complained. You could've had a BBQ... I am not inviting you. You'll show up to a BBQ on time. Why not to Minyin?

Instead, you go glamping... That's the most American thing you did. You went glamping. Instead of camping, you rented a house. And then you got fast food.
You do nothing right. You don't even camp correctly... It was a house. You were driving an apartment, and then you slept at Walmart. Walmart is not a forest.

Your kids aren't out of shape. They can go camping. They can pitch a tent. If they workout, they can lift the Torah and help with Kiddish. Maybe they can even learn to Layn... Glamping is not American tradition.
It's about the next generation respecting tradition. Doing...

Yes. Tzelafchad's daughters are there in the Parsha... Now. Now, you stick up for them. 3,400 years later?!

Rivka's Rundwon
The announcements are always misspelled.

I think the rabbi ends every sermon angry.

I agree with the rabbi. We need to slow down on the Yasher Koyachs. When I see people like Bernie getting an ego for rolling the Torah, not even Hagba, it's bothersome. Say, 'Hello.' Not 'Yasher Koyach.'
He walks off the Bima like he's a rock star. Pointing at people, 'No. Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' We had Sefardim one Shabbis. He yelled out 'Chazak vAmatz to everybody,' and didn't even buy them rounds.

'The shul is a plague, but don't blame the kids.' A strong message from our rabbi. He is so wise. Always has the right lesson to impart. The parents in our shul are very messed up.
The kids do learn from the adults.
Junior congregation has got heated with the new elections. They are now arguing regularly. One kid who didn't even run for president of junior congregation asked why the girl who got voted in gets to lead.
The big question is how many people can lead Davening at once. They had eight kids around the Bima leading last week. I think the youth director is scared that if she says 'no' the kids will protest. They have a Gabai who makes decisions as to who gets to use the LEGO.

They truly threw the rabbi under the bus. 
The shul has never had a July 4th parade. Members join in for the town parade.
We once had a Yom HaAtzmaut parade. The members couldn't even make the walk around the block. So out of shape. Which is why our softball team is getting killed again this year.

The rabbi focused on July 4th this week as nobody invited him for a BBQ. He wanted to let them know they were rude.
His sermon was very much about July 4th. Still, as some members said, 'It wasn't last week. When July 4th didn't happen yet... The rabbi spoke about July 4th at the wrong time. The weekend is before July 4th, not after. You have to prepare for the BBQ.'
Nobody got mad at the rabbi for forgetting to announce Shiva Asar BTzamuz. Even though they forgot to fast, they didn't seem to mind not remembering the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temple. We didn't even get a Minyin for the fast that leads up to Tisha BAv. It was a nice day out though. Most of the congregants BBQed.

They brought tents to glamping. Fools. If they knew that they provide housing for glamping. Once they noticed housing was provided, some of the parents wanted to make the kids feel like they were camping, so they brought tents to stay in outside the huts.
I'm never going glamping again with members of our shul. They were complaining that there were bugs outside of their glamps. They called them yurts. It's a glamp.
Everybody loved the Walmart glamping trip. The first two nights were spent in a Walmart parking lot. The third night we had to go to the glamps. We had to get out of the parking lot once we heard over the loudspeakers, 'Jewish people can't camp in our parking lot. We don't allow people to Daven in Minyin form for more than two days. If you're not tailgating, please go camping.'

Everybody is a critic. This is the first time I have ever heard people complain that they were getting out of shul too early. There is something very wrong with this shul. Rabbi had to step in 'You guys are fools... Then do the Karbanot at home.'
Communally attacking the guy for doing what he was told. He was told to lead. He was told to not drag it out. Then Barry goes off on him. Barry always finds a reason to complain.
'Pinchas would've Davened fast.' Just another one of the beautiful messages from our rabbi. Pinchas cared about the Jewish people. He would've never led Tefillah like Shmuli.
The rabbi is very correct about the slow tunes. It's a plague. Somebody should stab any Baal Tefillah who slows down Davening. They would be a loved one of H'.

They all love to complain. But no effort. All lazy. They want the Kavod but they don't want to help. Kiddish falls on the rabbi. A bunch of Korachs in the shul. They swallow up the Kiddish.
The rabbi initiated the shul workout to get some help with setting up the tables. He thinks that if they have more energy they'll help. He didn't take into account Bernie, Max, Sadie, Raschel, and the rest of the congregants. Hopefully they'll at least get in shape to move faster for their Aliyahs. The shul workout consists of pacing in the back to bother people trying to concentrate, which many members already do, and Hagba lifts. The rabbi is working on a HIIT daily workout for the congregants he is calling the Kaddish. This is where they have to stand each time Kaddish is said, and then they have to sit back down when it's finished.

Our congregation has no idea what to worry about. Tzelafchad's daughters is still a big topic. Can't find their kids in the shul basement and they're worried about Tzelafchad's girls getting land in Israel. We have a leak in the shul. People have no idea when the 17th of Tamuz is. But they're worried about Tzelafchad's daughters.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Israeli falafel joint and the traditional Jewish American butcher, Israeli games that educate Jewish children about how to gamble, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his potential Shidduchs with us.

I've noticed these new food pantries on lawns. Boxes on poles, for people who need food. I have thoughts.
The food pantries are a great idea. Tzedaka is beautiful. Town food pantries have worked for years, but they were never on the lawn. On the front lawn is a perfect spot for people to pick up food on their way back from the grocery store. You forget some stuff and you check to see if your neighbor picked up an extra orange juice by accident. Beautiful.
Now, we deal with the issues, so we can better these pantries. Let me express this in rant form, so the truly feel my frustration and longing to help the poor.

What We Give Them is Wrong
It was a can of peas and carrots. Who likes peas and carrots? That's a good question my Talmid. Nobody. Nobody likes peas and carrots.
No hearts of palm. No pineapples. Poor people like cut-up pineapples. Everybody loves the juice. Nobody is drinking carrot and pea juice.
One pantry I passed had salt. Nothing but salt and paprika. Just spices and condiments. Not even a Proto streak. No rice. No microwave to heat up the peas and carrots. Just salt and paprika.
It was a Chutzpa. It was the winter and the sidewalk in front of their house was slippery. They were hoping the poor people would salt it. That's why they had Kosher salt in the pantry, with the extra-large granules.

I Didn't Know What It Was
I thought I was going to get a book. I saw the food pantry case on the lawn. I thought I was going to find Dr. Seuss. I wanted Green Eggs and Ham. Kosher ham. Instead, I end up reading ingredients of Green Peas and Carrots.

Give Real Food
I thought they would have a roast. I thought, at least microwave on the lawn for the hungry to cook a hot meal. I thought there might be a checkered cloth. You open the pantry and your family can have a picnic on a neighbor's lawn. Nope. No Protos. Spam? No. Just a can to feed the children.

It's a Setup
And it's not fair to these poor people. You put it on your front lawn. They think they're supposed to take some food, and the next thing they know, they're arraigned for trespassing. Disgusting. Not a Mitzvah. First you bait them and then you pop out of your home with a shotgun, yelling at the poor family, 'Put down the peas and carrots. That's our lawn. Get away from our storage pantry. We didn't have room in the kitchen to store the salt.'
And they didn't even have a can opener to fight back. It's all wrong.

This isn't Charity
If they don't get shot, the poor people are stuck bringing a can home for dinner, spending the rest of the day separating out peas. It's a task. No book to read. Just carrots and peas. And salt, to parch their throats. Malnourished with parched throats. Stuck with paprika and nothing to spice.
Sorry. I get very mad about paprika. And no can opener?! Put a can opener in there.

Homeless People Need Meals Not a Can
One person told me it's for snacks. Snacks? Are homeless people running around with a shopping cart full of bedding, coats and can openers, so they can get a little pick me up before dinner? And why is there no table?! Is the plan for homeless people to take the can home?

Ways to Practice Charity
If we're truly trying to feed the poor, we should have fridges and ovens on the front lawns. Front lawn kitchens. If I saw a fridge, at least I wouldn't expect to see Dr. Seuss. I would be a happier man. And I wouldn't be let down with poorly written paragraphs about sodium percentage dietary guidelines for daily intake.
The greatest way to help somebody according to our rabbis is teach them how to fish. Not to give them the fish. Which is why many people don't give Tzedaka but Mussar. They rebuke them and tell them to get a job, and you feel like you've done the Mitzvah of giving charity. You tell them to get a job, and then you give them a fishing rod, so they have something to do during their leisure time.
Self-sufficiency is the greatest form of Tzedaka. If we really wanted to help, we would have front lawn cooking lessons. We would have can opening seminars. If we truly wanted to help poor people, we'd teach them to build a food pantry. This way, they could have the food pantry where they live, and they wouldn't get shot for taking a can of peas and carrots.

All of those truly feeding those who are in need have my greatest respect. Keep it up. Even if it's a can.
​Next time, we shall delve into the issue of soup kitchens, and how poor people are starving because we're feeding them soup.

Announcements
No bothering mechanics at Minyin. They come to Daven. You also can't bother veterinarians, even though they are a type of a doctor.
Rule: No bothering professionals. We need a Minyin.
 
These Members do not have to bow Modim: Phil, Bert, Sim, every Max in the Shul, all Marvins, Bernie, Ruchela who nobody sits next to, Bill, Sid, Brad, Baruch, Shlomo, Pinny. Every time you bend you rip one.
 
The shul has received New Seforim. We don't expect anybody to use them. It just looks decent to have some Seforim in a shul.
We will have the Seforim display in the Beit Midrash which has not been used for the past ten years.
 
Kids are in camp. We want to note how happy the parents are. We have not seen smiles like this in the congregation since last summer.
Due to the happiness of not seeing your children, the shul is starting a boarding school. 'What's great about this?' You ask. You don't have to see your kids.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 19:20) 'A person who becomes Tamei (contaminated) and doesn't purify himself, that person shall be cut off from the the midst of the congregation.' Why we allow for this Minyin in our shul to take place is beyond me... It's a job...
You can be impure. Most of our congregants are... You have to go through the process of purification to be let back into the people. When you have a kitchen like Mrs. Fineglass, you can't eat in the thing... It's disgusting. It needs gentrification...
Mikvah. You got to a Mikvah.

We need to let go of some of the members
Who should be cut off from our shul? The Feinwitz family for just being Tamei. Always filthy. You thought the kids came in last week with a tan. They haven't showered in...
These kids in camp, disgusting. They come home, you have to spray them with something. If there isn't a purification process after collecting two hundred salamanders...
Bert. You have to be cut off Bert... People can't Daven. Every time you bend you let one go. It's disgusting. And then you lick your fingers. Chaching all over the pages. You've contaminated every Siddur in this shul. Turning the pages...
Phil, Bernie, all Maxes... No bending. No bowing... Even for Aleinu. Your bowing is forbidden. Asur. It should be Asur to pass your area with the Torah. The way it smells from your bending and sitting.
Finelwitzs don't learn Torah. No Seforim in their home. Tamei (impure)...
Contaminated. We are a holy nation and you constantly screw up. This congregation... And then you complain.

Again, they complain about not having food. 'Let us die.' After spending time in the Fineglass kitchen, you complain. I get it. They can't cook.
Complaining about the kids is fine... Yes. Very annoying. It is such a Simcha to not see them... I love camp too... The boarding school idea is for the kids. To get them away from us. It's a start. A start on the path of Tahor... At least we don't have to see these salamander dirt tans.

Sometimes you get me so mad, I want to hit a rock... Maybe not a rock. Maybe just one of the congregants.
The complaints... Everything you do is wrong. I can't even look up while I Daven. I see the congregation, I want to hit something... That's why I bang the table real hard for YaAleh vYavo. I'm getting out my anger for having to see Bernie...

Yeah. It's bothersome when somebody comes to shul to pray and you ask for Tzedaka. Every member in this shul is a charity... Yes. Asking a mechanic to fix your car and to pick up the lid to look at it, at shul, is Tzedaka... He took the mechanic to the car in the shul's parking lot... He opened the hood. He brought motor oil to shul...
Now, they're using guys in shul as their car experts. I thought people just used doctors in shul. Now they're bothering mechanics. Soon, nobody will want to come to shul. Next thing they're going to start bothering arborists... You can't bother arborists either. You also can't bother nursery school teachers. On the weekends, you clean your own kids.

You have contaminated the congregation. It's the complaints. Nothing holy... Holy is not the back left section of the shul.

Even Bilam understood that you listen to Gd.
As H' said to Bilam after Bilam was coerced to go with Balak's people to curse the Jews (22:20) '...only the thing I shall speak to you, that shall you do.'
The way you got me to come here to be your rabbi... Coercion... The salary is coercion. It was a good salary...

How do you purify? You listen to H'. Is it that hard??!!! Every Shabbis I have to give the same message to... Yes. You're impure. This is an impure congregation.

Seforim are good in a house. That's what H' wants. Did you listen to Him?!
Open up a Sefer... Are you Jewish?!
Was that Bilam's curse? That we would have homes like the Finkelwitzs? With no Seforim. Bert bending is a curse...
That the congregation should not smell disgusting. That's what H' wants... Then do half a bend for Aleinu.
Kids who go to camp should shower. Listen to H'... At least it's what the congregation wants. The kids are disgusting.

I really want to hit something right now...

Rivka's Rundwon
I am happy the rabbi didn't get violent and take it out on the granet.
Some people were shocked that the rabbi considered his work as a rabbi a job. They thought he likes fielding questions about what to do with kids for the summer and where to vacation. In his weekly class on things that bother him about the shul, the rabbi made it clear that he doesn't want to hear about galamping anymore.

Once the rabbi said you can't bother professionals in shul, only five people showed up the next day. Three doctors, a gardener who likes to get paid for her work and the mechanic.
You can't be a professional in the shul. They even asked the grocer for fruit. It's his job. They come to shul to score free mangos. I understood when people showed up to save money on doctors visits. But this has gone too far.
And then the grocer disected the mango. The guy thought he was a doctor.

I walk into these homes, don't even know if they're Jewish. They told me they have their Seforim on a computer. The computer didn't look like it was handed down from Moshe at Sinai. It looked like a computer with files.
If there was a Torah computer I would understand. If the computer was maroon or navy, or brown, with gold trimming, I would think it was Jewish computer. It would feel like a Jewish home.

The rabbi truly didn't go into the purification process. He just went off on the people and let them know H' doesn't love them.
I believe the rabbi just doesn't like the Feinwitz family.
Mrs. Fineglass is gentirfying her kitchen. That's how disheveled it is. I've realized there are a lot of Fines in our shul. Diffirent ittirations of Fine. I wonder if the different ittirations are relate.

This week, the rabbi build a Mikvah in the shul. On the Mikvah, he put a sign, 'Members of Beis Haknessess Beis Emes USefillah please shower and don't be disgusting. You are not pure.'

The rabbi forbade bowing. I love my rabbi. Each one of these members farts every time. Even the thrity year old men fart. Sorry, I don't know how else to describe a fart. I am happy I'm in the ladies section. That smell has to be an impurity.
And the turning pages phlegm is disgusting. That with the Aleinu spits. I don't know how that's holy.

The rabbi and announcements forgot July 4th. People blamed themselves not leaving town for the weekend on the rabbi.
A lot of anger. Uproar took place around town. 'How dare you not mention July 4th in the sermon?!!!' Some people decided to burn a picture of the rabbi in protest.
The rabbi had a July 4th community BBQ at his house, that was planned months ago. That still didn't make up for not focusing on July 4th in the sermon. To quote, 'It's America, you talk about July 4th on the first of July.'

This is the what I remember from last week...

OK. Next week we will discuss Gittin Daf 47-53

The middle of the circle is where people get hurt. Do not go in until you've mastered the outer circle and the Hand on Shoulder Forward Back Step. More accidents happen the closer you get to the middle. They start breakdancing to Hora moves, arms start flailing, one guy does a wave and somebody gets hurt. Jews move around and body control is lost.
Go to a Hassidic dance with a Rebbe, if you're not ready and don't have training in Hassidic enjoyment, you will get hurt. You have to fight your way into that middle circle, where you get met by four hundred pound bodyguards throwing you out. Choolante strength is a thing. They guard the Rebbe from the heretics who diet on Shabbis.
People go wild in the middle, so be safe. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous.
If you make it to the middle, here are some important dance moves you must know.

The Arm Raise
Part of the traditional Hora dance circle, this is where you lift your arms. Forearms must be facing in, supinated. Forearms facing out is not what Jews do. This isn't a Jewish revival convention.
Jews always dance in supinated form. Even when dancing, your expression should be one of complaint and questioning.
We don't go into the middle of the circle to give high fives. This is not a free-for-all. This is connection back to the early 1700s in the Ukraine. Also known as the Two Hand Lift, this is a favorite amongst Hassidic dancers. The only exception is if you're from Yemen. Then you can pronate.

Arm Raise Hand Open Close
This can be done by one guy. This just looks cool. This is where you take that hand facing in, squeeze and unclench. If you look up, it looks like you're complaining to Gd. You will want to work on the complaint genre of dance.
 
The Chest Bounce
Somebody had a friend who likes heavy metal and now very small people get injured.
 
Huddle Jump
Done by people who never played organized football, you put your arms on the shoulders of the people near you and then jump around in a circle. Just jump. That's the dance. You can do this with as many partners as you want. One partner may be too intimate for the newcomer to the middle circle. This is as close to athletics any devout Jew should get.
 
The Solo Jump Around
Similar to the Huddle Jump, this is where you let go of the other people and jump by yourself. It's not a very warm dance and makes you feel alone, without community. Unlike the Huddle Jump, where you have the support of your fellow. This dance goes very well in combination with the Israeli Side to Side Jump. Another variation of the Solo Jump, the Israeli Side to Side keeps you in one spot; no aroundness in the Israeli Jump. By combining them, you can go side to side and around in solo form.
This dance is almost as uncomfortable as being forced to dance in front of the bride and groom. Waving your arms in this makes you look like you know what you're doing. It also opens up your dancing radius, by forcing away other people who don't want to get hit.
 
Arm Interlocked Twirl Around
Similar to the British folk country dance, this is very fun until somebody else steals the person you were twirling around with. Now you're alone. They interlock arms and take your place, sneaking in from the other side. Kind of like musical chairs, I am found wandering around in a circle by myself, with nowhere to go. And many times, I am even asked to leave the circle.
 
The Hand-in-Hand Spin
Interlock arms with somebody else and go in a circle for as long as you can, until you let go and the other person flies or falls, or until one of you pukes.
 
The Airplane
Dangerous. Some call this the helicopter because that is also dangerous. And some call it the propeller, because that is the most dangerous part of the helicopter. Either way, you want feet flying towards the outside of the circle. The objective of this dance is to injure other people.
Make sure to initiate this dance when the middle circle is crowded.
 
The Face to Face Hands on Shoulders
This is for two people who can't move. You brace yourself on the other person and try not to fall.

The One Hand Hold Side to Side Kick
A classic. With the longest name of any dance, this dance's name describes what it is. You kick from side to side, one leg at a time, alternating. To funk it up a little, switch the hands too. This is almost as complicated as rubbing your tummy, while tapping your head.
Again, stretch before this one. And watch out when getting close to it. If you're a spectator, the lack of kick control and athletic ability of the kickers makes this dance almost as dangerous as the helicopter.

The Rebbe Approach
This is more of a still motion where other people force you in different directions. Known to be dangerous in America on Black Friday, the mob does the dance for you.
That is how you become a Chasid. Chasidim beat you on your way into the middle circle. It's part of the initiation process. That is their hazing process for joining their sect. The NaNachs make you jump while saying ‘NaNachNachimNachmanMUman’ 20 times, real fast. The other sects hurt you real bad.

Final Note of Safety
Do not join any middle circle dance if you have any sort of back problem or arthritis. No older Jewish man should be dancing in the middle. The outside of the circle is for you. The Stand and Clap is the dance you should be doing.
Always be careful. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. Watch out for flailing arms. That is the move, arms go up in the air and somebody gets hurt.
I also suggest you start on strict weight training and powerlifting program before approaching any rebbe.
Next time we will talk about the middle circle dancing in front of the bride and groom, where you embarrass yourself in the Jewish cypher.

His mom got him ribbons for Lag BOmer. He said he wanted to make bows. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It's supposed to be bows and arrows. Not ribbons. Ribbon bows don't work as good weapons and they don't shoot far. She misunderstood.

He prayed behind a Chasid in Jerusalem. He was told to go pray a at the coattail. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Kotel. Coattail. He was in Jerusalem. It's Yom Yerushalayim. The Kotel is in Jerusalem. Chasidim wear long coats. Kotel. Coattail. They sound the same if you say ‘coattail’ very fast.

Why did the holiday last fourteen days? They were celebrating Shavuot. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Shavuot means weeks. Seven days would be 'Shavua'. Celebrating Shavuot. That's at least two weeks. 21 days would just be crazy. Puns should be realistic.

A Jew can eat bacon, but only a bit. (Mordechai)
You get it? Bacon bits are kosher. Bacon is not kosher. If you eat the bits it's OK. You still can't eat pig. Not even a bit. We don't want to mis-educate our students.

The little girl was eating potato kugel with a plate on her lap. It was a Kiddish. (Mordechai)
You get it? Kiddish. Kid and dish together makes Kiddish. The dish was on a kid. Next time we will talk about chicken fingers. That's also a kid dish. Kiddish. You get it. So many great ways to prepare a kid dish. One is with Kichel.

I had that feeling to learn Gemara. Maybe some Daf Yomi. I was in a Talmud. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mood. Talmud. Dads learn Gemara. I don't know what Tal means. Maybe dew. Learning about damp ground.

The Hillel sandwich was bitter at the Seder. We were eating it for Korach. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Korech is when we have the Hillel sandwich on Pesach. Korach was the one who rebelled against Moshe. Korach was bitter. Korach. Korech. You get it.

Announcements
Baruch must stop using a toothpick and smiling at Kiddish. He has scared away many prospective members. We understand he has nice teeth. But it's uncomfortable seeing them with herring, and then seeing leftover schmaltz on the toothpick.
 
The guy who skipped vHu Rachum got looks. Rightfully. It's the beginning of Maariv. You start things correctly. We want to commend our members for making the Chazin feel uncomfortable. We understand they gave him a nasty look of disappointment. And even g0ave some sighs and grunts. Finally, we have congregants who care and people who are scared to lead Davening.
 
No more spitting in shul. Don't know who started it. We understand you hate idol worship. Why on the carpet though?! The shul now smells like tobacco.
 
Kaddish fights are still happening. One guy is going way to fast. Another way too slow. We ask all members to not follow Paul. He is too slow. The shul is now providing a metronome in the back left, so that everybody can hear how off beat Paul is.
 
Kiddish is sponsored by the Friedmans, the Schwartzs, the Cohens, the Feldblums, the Mitzkins, the Frankels, the Bergmans, the Fishers, the Minkowitzs, the Feldblums. There are more. And it was also sponsored by all families who have a kid graduating.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 16:15) 'Moshe got very mad'... He was dealing with Datan and Aviram. He wasn't even dealing with a board... Yes. I get mad. Did you ever deal with Steve?!
Why did Moshe get mad? Ungratefulness. Blame. They're all rebelling. Kind of like the time Mark skipped vHu Rachum... It makes no difference if it was by accident. It's the beginning of Maariv and you already messed up. Before you started, you messed up... No. Nobody will forget...

'I didn't even take a donkey of theirs, nor have I wronged even one of them.'
What did I take from this congregation? Tell me. Other than a few pens... Then why do I have to see Bernie every Shabbis?! What did I do to you people...
Yet, they blame Moshe. They tell him that he wants the leadership. He stole leadership from them... Let me tell you. Nobody wants to deal with Steve. The shul president. Now that is stealing leadership... At least it's a leader nobody wants.

Rashi explains this to mean that he didn't take anything for himself. I understand, as I have received nothing from this congregation. Not even a call on my birthday. Not even a decent Chazin. Not a Sefer... You don't steal a donkey. It's rude.
I have taken nothing. From Kiddish. Not even a blueberry Danish. But you protest. And for what? What has been taken from you?

It starts with complaining. For some reason, you can't blame Steve.
They blamed Moshe for trying to dominate them. 'The desert isn't flowing with milk and honey.' What are you going to do with milk and honey if you have no cereal?!
Now I get blamed for bringing new Sefarim into the shul.

Yes. I get very mad too. There is a time to get very mad. Like when you expect blueberry Danish and you get Kichel... It's not when your child graduates and doesn't get valedictorian... She graduated kindergarten. The fact that you got up there, smacked the teacher and said 'leave my child's name out your mouth'... Yes. It was wrong. You don't get mad when your kindergartner gets a diploma, and doesn't give a speech for it... She sang a song. That's what they do to show appreciation. They don't give speeches in kindergarten. They sing... If the shul sung to me and showed some appreciation...
You get mad when the whole shul sponsors Kiddish along with you...

You spit. It looks like you're protesting the shul... I understand it's Aleinu. It looks like you're a Korach. It looks like a rebellion... It was a loogie. You hocked a loogie.
Why are you spitting in shul if it's against idol worship?! Spit on an idol. Not on the new carpet.
No respect. No appreciation. That's what is really happening in the desert. They chose to go the route of not showing Hakarat HaTov... Recognizing of the good, Bernie. You recognize when your rabbi doesn't steal your blueberry Danish.
And who brought the baseball team. They sat and spat. They didn't even stand for Aleinu... it was like the time you brought in the choir... They didn't help with Adon Olam and Hativkva. They sung 'Bridge Over Troubled Waters'... That's not part of Nusach Ashkenaz.

I take nothing, but I deal with you. People who skip vHu Rachum... It's the first part of Mariv and you already get it wrong. How can you miss the first words? Did you get up there and read the fifth sentence first? Yes. That's exactly what happened... Ungrateful. Like you have no sins to repent for.

You know who's stealing from you?! The board. You each sponsored kiddish for your child's graduation and you each paid full price. It's like when Zakah changed the donor signs on the mopeds. Stealing. Taking you to a desert of no blueberry Danish, where people skip vHu Rachum, and you have to pay for it. A desert where people spit on the carpet.
They have the right to get mad Steve. Nobody got a discount. They paid for thirty Kiddishes and Kichel. They have Kichel. Twelve thousand dollars Kichel... And now, I ask- Do we not have the right to be mad?! I feel like spitting on the front left section...

Rivka's Rundwon
The rabbi saying he took nothing. He's vying for another raise. I know it.

'What are you going to do with milk and honey if you have no cereal?!' Brilliant point from our rabbi. That truly touched my heart. Then, when he brought up pancakes as well. He was right. The desert didn't have pancakes either.

And Kiddish was the same size. I am never sponsoring that thing. A scam. Thirty families, and each gave two hundred dollars and Kichel. No Napoleons. Rip off. And nobody is rebelling against the board. Just against the rabbi's new parking spot. Why should the disabled spot be closer to the entrance than the rabbi's?

A lot of sports dads in our shul. Dads yelling at refs. I went to PeeWee baseball, and I couldn't let on I was Jewish. You have Moishy screaming at the umpire, 'Nu. What kind of call was that. Am HaAretz.'
Sports dads and graduation moms. Moms were yelling at the principal of the day school when they gave at the awards. 'What kind of call is that? Our child definitely deserves the math award! They were the best at counting Popsicle sticks.' One parent protested, 'I donated the Popsicle sticks.' That was disgusting. The sticks had the ices residue on them. The Bergstein family licked each one of those, and our children counted with them.

He spat a lot. We were hearing Chaching the whole of the sermon. And it lingers. It's a new carpet and he's spitting in honor of Gd. There must be tobacco in his spit. It's disgusting and it doesn't dissolve. The tobacco phlegm just stays, hovering over the carpet.
The Halacha of spitting has gone too far. They spat on Nitzkin. Nitz is a good guy. They said he worships idols and spat on hum. They just don't like him.
New rule in shul: If you spit. You have to clean it up.
The dog owners in the shul have protested the rule. It appears to be that they're the ones who leave their dogs 'stuff' on my lawn.

Skiping vHu Rachum was the greatest thing that every happened in this community. Took of eighteen seconds from Maariv.
Paul has caused so much hatred with his Kaddish. Nobody complains when stuff is too fast.
Our rabbi now speeds through Shema. After months of the rabbi slowing it down, as he needed to gain respect- and you gain respect as a rabbi with a really long Shema, he is now at LMan Tizkru by the time people are starting 'vHaya.' Everybody loves the rabbi now.

Nobody learns in our shul. At least the Sefarim are in good condition.

I am happy they made that no smiling announcement about Baruch. It is scary. At least the board discussed something of relevance this week.