It was the young man's engagement party. We'll call him Shmuel Baruch. Well, Shmuel Baruch was very nervous. He had impressed the young woman, but he had not impressed the rabbis yet. None of them agreed to marry him.
At an engagement party (we'll call it a Vort, a LChaim, a Tichel party- anything to get more gifts), there were many rabbis. Why so many rabbis were there is a question people are still asking. The Shidduch was already made. They already knew he was Jewish. It was too late to change the thing. But, you never know what can happen once community gets involved in a marriage.

The Chatan, groom, got up to give a speech and quoted a Minchat Chinuch. He didn't have any original ideas, so he quoted Rabbi Yosef Ben Moshe Babad. We know him as the Minchat Chinuch, because by the time you finish saying his name, people are asking if the guy finished the Dvar Torah yet.
In the middle of the speech, a commotion came from the rabbis' table. It wasn't a sermon. You can't talk during a sermon. You can talk during a Dvar Torah given by anybody that isn't a rabbi. Halacha. I'm assuming.
One rabbi was telling the others that he's never seen that Minchat Chinuch. So they all started mocking the Chatan. I was impressed the Chatan was able to quote a Minchat Chinuch. Forget about whether it exists or not. The fact that he quoted the Minchat Chinuch is impressive. The rabbis should've been commotioning about that. But instead they mocked, "Look at the guy misquoting the Minchat Chinuch. He couldn't even misquote a Sugiah from the Gemara. Pathetic. My son-in-law misquotes Tosfos."

​The commotion died down and the Chatan finished his Dvar Torah. I thought he was done when he returned to his speech and went on to tell everybody the name of the author of the Minchat Chinuch.
I should note, he was a religious Chatan, a Frum groom. He was a Chussan.

Rabbi Elyashiv saw this and made it a point to check into it, as the Chussan was correct. He was quoting the Minchat Chinuch correctly, though it wasn't a Gemara. It had Gemara in it, but it wasn't Gemara. Rav Elyashiv realized that negative thoughts can sit there and simmer, even if they're not true. Which is why people still think it's a good idea to serve black and white cookies instead of chocolate peanut butter squares.
Rabbi Elyashiv asked where the father-in-law to be is in the mornings. It turns out the father-in-law goes to the Mikvah every morning at 4am, to wash himself off of the contamination of a son-in-law. Rav Elyashiv said, "Convenient. 4am is perfect. I'll be there. 4am at the Mikvah." Apparently, there is no Minchat Chinuch about that.
It turns out 4am is Rabbi Elyashiv preferred time for meetings.

To ensure the father-in-law didn't have time to think about this foolish son-in-law to be, Rabbi Elyashiv was at the Mikvah at 4am. The father-in-law was listening to Rabbi Elyashiv. You listen to a rabbi when he meets you at the Mikvah. It's a very awkward situation. You're trying to dunk and they're not even handing you a towel. You try to make it out out of there. You sit there and listen to what the guy has to say.

Rabbi Elyashiv gave the father-in-law a package. Inside was an old Minchat Chinuch. Rabbi Elyashiv didn't have the money for a new one. He was supporting a Beit Midrash, and all of his time he could've spent focusing on the stock market, people were asking him Halachik questions. The price of being a Gadol HaDor. Very expensive, and you're broke. Turns out people don't pay for you to answer their questions.
Rabbi Elyashiv turned to the page and pointed, "This is the Minchat Chinuch your son-in-law quoted last night." It might have been a different one. The father-in-law was spacing out the whole time the Chussan was talking, trying to figure out why his daughter wasn't marrying the rich one, the one was carrying his own new Minchat Chinuch.

Negative thoughts develop. even if they're not true. By jumping on the issue right away and meeting the father-in-law at the Mikvah at 4am, Rabbi Elyashiv saved the son-in-law from negative thoughts developing about him by his father-in-law. Thoughts that would've been much worse if the son-in-law had shown up at 4:15am to take a dunk in the Mikvah.
When the father-in-law now thinks of his son-in-law, he thinks the guy is a Yutz who can't make a living.

Lessons of What Followed
As we learn from the rabbis, demeaning people is wrong, unless if you're mocking somebody for not knowing Torah.
You don't let negative feelings simmer. You don't let Lashon Hara fly around. That's a different story about ripping a pillow and letting the feathers fly all over to teach somebody that you can repent for Lashon Hara by littering. Ripping up pillows and throwing trash on the street does not stop Lashon Hara from spreading. The lesson here is, you don't let people sit on bad thoughts of others. It creates a mindset you can't take back. Nothing to do with bedding.

More Lessons
Don't talk at your engagement party. You already got the girl. You don't have to prove anything anymore.
Never talk in front of rabbis. When there are rabbis at your party, let them speak. Otherwise, they're going to interrupt you.
Sit the rabbis with their congregants. They won't want to talk. If they talk, the congregants will fall asleep.
The true tragedy of this whole event is, that nobody talks about, they only had one platter of chocolate peanut butter squares at the engagement party. They were gone in a minute. It turns out the rabbis were talking about their disappointment in having to eat black and white cookies. They were mocking the assortment of pastry.

Final Lesson
If you ever have something important to tell somebody, say it to them at the Mikvah at 4am.

Epilogue
And since then, stories of inspiration have been told about Chatans to many single people. These include inspirational stories of the eighty-year-old who still got married. Told to a twenty-five-year-old, to instill hope in the young soul, letting him know he'll be single for another fifty-five years.
The rabbi still has not seen that Minchat Chinuch. It turns out he doesn't learn Sefer HaChinuch either.
Why didn't Rav Elyashiv correct the rabbi there, when the Chatan was giving the Dvar Torah? Because he wasn't at the Mikvah. You don't correct people who are fully dressed.

***I probably got the story wrong. See Living Chessed (p.28-29) by R' Avrohom Asher Makovsky who hopefully recounts the story correctly.

Announcements
Mazel Tov to the Kornbluth family on the worst Bris. No onions were provided. Nobody enjoyed the bagels. From now on, anybody who hosts a Simcha with bagels must provide onions. The rabbi had to take the Mohel back to his place to cut up some onions. Mohels should not be cutting onions... Tomatoes are optional. Lox may be served without tomatoes.

We are very proud of our shul programming. We have another speaker coming next week. We ask that people stop trying to be creative and we stick to speakers. There’s no reason for a games night if you don’t have a speaker at it. Our programming focus is speakers.

Bingo lost money again. We’re the only shul who loses money at Bingo. We ask the volunteers sell the snacks, and not eat them.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Have People Not Bless Your Son by Not Providing Onions for the Lox. How to Ruin a Program with a Speech. How to Make Money off Bingo and Not Report it Like The Pintzkowitzs.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
The angels come to destroy Sedom and the Sedomites want to "know them"... This is why I was very skeptical when Merv and Ethel invited us over for dinner when I first started as rabbi...
We’ve all been there. Lot offers his daughters. That’s how messed up Lot's family was. Imagine the Hershblooms. They were even worse than the Hershblooms...

(Bereishit 19:13) The angels tell Lot to get out of Sedom with his family. ‘For we are destroying this place, for their outcry (their screams) have become great before H’...’ What is the outcry? They were out of control. Were they loving it? Were they not? It’s hard to tell the difference between partying and crying when it’s immoral. When you have a shul that has no idea how to run a Bingo night...

When you hear screaming coming from junior congregation, you have no idea what it means. Is it that they're playing paper football, or is Shayna's hair getting pulled out again... Your son is an animal, Baruch. I don't know what you do at home, but I am sure stuff is getting destroyed.

His son-in-law mocks it. (Bereishit 19:14) ‘He was like a a guy making jokes in the eyes of his son-in-law.’ No. I’m not making jokes now, Bernie.
His son-in-law influenced by Sedeom. He couldn’t see the evil. Kind of like the same way the congregants are influenced by the board... They have no idea what Torah is. Ethel. They think it's a corporation...

There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox.
You don't serve lox without onions. Who eats lox without onions?... Of course you need cream cheese and lox. But it means nothing without onions.
And no eggs???
It was a bagel nightmare... And what do tomatoes do? Exactly. Nothing. Onions. Always have onions... Not whole onions. You don’t put a whole onion on a bagel. Got to cut them...

When you’re around poor Kiddishes and a town that doesn’t have a decent caterer, you forget. You think that is normal. You want to scream at the immorality...
Now you’re bringing up cream cheese again??? Is that even a question. What? Are you going to put butter on the bagel with lox?!

The board decided on speakers. They’ve decided that people like to listen to people speak... Excuse me Bernie. I’m speaking right now...
You have no idea what Victor from Israel talked about. He was a speaker. He didn't talk... The whole time Victor was focused on the meet and greet and how there were bagels and lox, but no onions.
It’s like you want to scream. You want to scream when you don’t get onions.  When you have to listen to another speaker, you want to scream. You want to scream when you’re the only shul that can’t make profit on Bingo....

Who loses money at Bingo... Then stop eating the snacks. Sell them.
I don't know if people are screaming because they won, or because they lost 12 thousand dollars. And now they can't pay their mortgage... I don't know why people in shul can't pay their dues. Are you guys going to church Bingo?...
It's all immoral.

We can’t let this be the shul normal. There is a huge outcry and we don’t even hear it, because the Chazin is so loud...

The angels tell Lot to leave. Lot doesn’t want to leave. He doesn’t want to go too far. (Bereishit 19:18-20) He wants to go to a lesser bad Sedom city.
When you’re in a bad place, you want to stay. You don’t realize it. When you're at Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah, you want to scream. The membership. The board. The Chazin...

Pirkei Avot (1:17) 'Distance yourself from a bad neighbor. And don't become friends with an evil person.' Which is why I am not friends with my congregants.
We learn to find a moral place and be there. Find your morality and keep it... I'm here to teach. It's a mission. I'm trying to help you get out...

It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it. It’s hard to see the bad. You hear the screams and you think it's only kids gouging out eyes. We know junior congregation is scary and no parent wants to be there. Kids yelling.
There was an outcry at the Bris. People wanted onions with their lox. But you still go to the Bris, because you don't know any better. It becomes normal. The yelling. The madness. The anger over having lox with tomatoes and no onions just, you accept your fate...

This place is out of control. We must have control to keep the morality. To keep bringing in speakers. To have a well-run Bingo night. To ensure there are onions for the lox.
Keep your moral integrity and decent bagels.

Baruch's son has destroyed the building again. He's yelling and out of control. And now all the little girls and boys are crying...
Whether if it's for extreme pleasure or for extreme pain, either way, screaming is a concern.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was telling the shul that they had bagels with no lox and no onions in Sedom. That is where all went wrong. He equated having no onions with the need for destruction of a people.

The rabbi literally yelled the whole sermon to get across his point that you can't sleep during his sermons.The board has been bad for so long, they are messed up. The rabbi was saying to destroy them.

What's a scream? That's a great question. And I appreciate the rabbi dealing with it very loudly.
When Bernie yells out during the rabbi's sermon, we know what that is. That's disruption.

I believe the rabbi said junior congregation is a bigger curse than the board. He did say that at least they're not in shul itself. To quote, 'Keep kids out of shul. I am already dealing with Bernie.'

Finally, the rabbi approached the onion issue.
I just left the Kornbluth Bris. I saw there were no onions. I went home and had cereal. It was very disappointing. After all of those Brachas for the newborn child and the cutting, to have no onions and no eggs. A shanda.

Everything is a speaker. You can’t have a program without a speaker. That’s the big thing. A speaker and 5k. You get a speaker, you pay a lot and it’s a shul program. It allows people to say they went to a speaker. They never have anything to say about the speaker, because they fell asleep. People will pay a lot for a good nap, if the person is famous.
The rabbi started handing out tests after the speakers. He even kicked out a member who scored a 30 on the test. It was my friend Malkie. She didn’t even know the guy was talking about medical ethics. She fell asleep as soon as he started talking about comas.

I think I'm going to change my profession to a speaker. I can talk about how the rabbi is right. I'm sure the rabbi will dip into his discretionary fund for me.
Most of the people in our shul are talkers. Nobody likes talkers. They like speakers.

Bingo has been pathetic. I think it’s the volunteering. Our membership hears that word and they run.

Law 4-8: There are Malachim and then there is you, and you know nothing.

Law 4: Everything in Tanach about Gd being a fire (Devarim 4:24), etc., it's all metaphor. Gd is not a fire. Please keep that in mind when cooking. You're not sticking a frankfurter in Gd.
Many are right now questioning their faith, as they thought Gd was a fire. An aspect of Gd could be in the fire. He could not be fire. He's definitely more than that. Maybe an aspect of H' is connected to it somehow. I don't know if Rambam would agree with anything I wrote there. I can tell you that Gd is not a fire.
The Torah isn't lying. Metaphors are not lies, once you know they’re a metaphor. I'm just happy the Rambam told us.

Law 5-6: There are different kinds of creations. One of them is my cousin.
​Man is physical and can therefore not understand H.' So, we spend our lives trying to understand H.'
Every creation, though, comes from the strength of His truth. The truth is that you are annoying. Even so, you are still a creation. As messed up as something may seem, it is a creation of Gd’s. Thin Tahini. The thick stuff is so much better. There's a H's truth right there.
Everything exists through the power of H' and His goodness. Each thing is spiritually higher or lower than the next. There is someone better than you. The Ramabm has a way of rubbing it in.

Law 7: From the non-physical creatures, Malachim, there are those that are in a higher realm than others. Even they're competing.
Lowest level of angels is 'Ishim' because they are close to man. They are the ones that communicate with prophets. That's how low they are. They have to deal with people. It's like a curse of being the lowest in the angel realm. And they’re dealing with prophets.
So, us regular people have no connection with the Malachim, which kind of kills the friendship I was hoping to foster with the ones in the middle realms. I figure that they want some contact with somebody too.
Could you imagine if they had to deal with the members of my shul. Those are the angels they’re picking on. The ones they're hazing. “Look at you, having to talk Pinchas down from attacking the Gabai. Maybe you can cry over not getting the ark opening job at shul. Seems to be a big worry. I’m going to be up here riding Gd’s chariot. Basking in Glory.”

Law  8: Malachim, angels, can understand H' better than us. But we still have to try to feel important. So, we talk about politics and sports.
Even the highest angels can't grasp H.' I hope you are catching on here. You have no chance, so learn Torah.
No one can know H' like He knows Himself. Most people don't even know who they are. I can tell you who they are, and I am not an angel. They are annoying.

Lesson:
What's the point. You will never know.
This is the least inspirational learning I have done. Even so, I feel closer to H' now.

They're still accusing Israel of aggression. So, I figured I would put together some of the arguments against the lies again. It's a tradition to re-argue against the lies every half a year. We have to do this almost as often as we vote in Israel.
If accusing Israel of stuff they didn't do bothers you, I’m guessing antisemitism bothers you. Good luck. In the meantime, here are some myths I noticed surfacing this year. I’ll give you some ways of debunking them so you can be friends with people that hate you again.
I apologize if you're offended by my calling terrorists.

Genocide
Fools are calling Jewish defense of Israel genocide.
You're truly not trying to kill a people when you're knocking on their doors, warning them you're planning a surprise attack.
Israel is always trying to give warning to civilians to get out. Israeli soldiers are knocking on doors, "Excuse me. Just wanted to say 'Shalom.' We hear there is a terrorist in your house. We didn't want to disturb anybody. Pleases let them know we're attacking tomorrow at 12:13pm, to be exact. It's a surprise attack. Might be a couple minutes late. We don't want to shock anybody." And most of the time, out of politeness, the soldiers ring the bell.
They're dropping flyers with information on where to go. Inviting the terrorists to rock concerts. It's the most friendly attack. We send leaflets letting them know there's a terrorist living in their home. We announced on the radio that people were drilling under their homes, just in case they didn't contract for renovations. We didn't want the Gazans to have to pay for work on their home they didn't want. Israel even calls their cellphones, just in case their kids never call. First rule in honoring your parents is you call.
We have commanders on loud speakers. "Everybody get out of the area. We're going to be bombing here. If you're a member of Hamas, now is the time. The IDF will be here tomorrow... Sorry. We didn't mean to wake anybody up. We’re sorry if we’re disrupting any production of explosives. Keep safe. Toodeloo."
And the people of Gaza have multiplied eightfold since 1948. Now numbering over two million people who are trying to kill us.

Torture
They're saying Israeli soldiers are torturing the prisoners.
Singing "Am Yisrael Chai" is not torture, even if they're doing that Hora hand dance with it. Singing a song about the Jewish people and our ancestors living is not an evil act, even if the UN calls it a war crime. That's unless if the people from my shul are signing. My community singing anything is wrong. Very off tune.
I must admit, the hand dance does come off as gloating.

There Was a Palestinian State
No. There wasn't. Never.

Rape is Fine if It's Against Jews
No. It's not. At least I don't think so. I might be wrong here. I don't associate with the feminist movement.

FIDF is Anti-Israeli Soldiers
FIDF stands for Friends of the Israel Defense Forces. I also thought it was against the IDF when I heard it the first time. It's not 'F the.'

Jews Try to Be Funny
Jews take a chance at being funny.
Fact: Sometimes they're not.

Israelis are Aggressors
They claim Jews are aggressors.
Have you ever seen Israeli Folk Dancing? You can't be an aggressor while dancing like that. You can't do a "Mayim BSason" twirl and scare people.
We've been accused of being aggressors ever since we got attacked in the late 1800s for making Israel livable. Sorry. Palestine. I didn't mean to offend anybody's hatred of Jews.
It seems like some of the Arabs and BBC don't understand the definitions the way I do. Correctly. The way the dictionary defines the words. The meaning of the words that they are using. With punctuation used. The intended application. The English language.
They're calling Jews aggressors for dancing. Saying Jews have committed genocide by trying to save lives of people who are housing terrorists. Maybe they just understand English differently. English is not their first language. Nor is it the New York Times'.

Apartheid
This must mean "allowing foreign people to come into your land and work, even if they want to kill you." I believe that's the Oxford definition.

ELAL is Giving Deals
No. ELAL is charging as much as possible. Fact. They are loving the war.

The Death Toll in Gaza is...
I believe the death toll is up to 12 million Gazans now.
I'm not making fun of death. Innocent people dying is a tragedy. I'm trying to understand arithmetic and how more people have been killed than there are.
They're throwing numbers out there and the BBC and CNN are going with it. You can't just say people are dying if they don't exist. Again, I'm feeling stupid. Metaphysically, someone who was never born is dead. That must be it. Over ten million Gazans were never born because of Israel. I'm just not as spiritually in touch as news anchor.
We need death rules: a) You have to be dead to be considered dead. b) You can't die more than once. You die. That's it. You're dead. I saw one kid die fourteen times. It's a tragedy. Fourteen of them. And I feel bad for the kid. c) You can't not be dead and be dead. I saw a video where the guy was laying there, dead. He then, flipped the sheet off, reached up and got a Coke from his friend. The hardship that guy went through. Do you know what it's like to be dead with a parched throat. To think he had an itch under the sheet as well. A dead person shouldn't know of such things. Another dead guy jumped off the stretcher at his own funeral and started running. The guy was sprinting. The most in shape dead guy I've ever seen. I believe that was number 13 million and 2. Another million have died since publishing this article. Hamas reported it.

People Like Carlebach Minyins
Myth: Some people like to sing for five hours in shul. Fact: It turns out Jews want to get out of shul.
Speaking of crimes against our people. If Israelis were making the Gazans sit through a Carlebach service, I would side with the UN.

Occupiers
They say Jews are occupiers. They say that us being in Israel is "the occupation."
My father A"H told me that his mother always said that "a Jewish boy should have a good occupation."
Anything sounds bad when you add "the" in there. "The vote." When was that? It ruined so many lives. If they just called it "Nakba" they'd be celebrating. They'd be thanking Jordan, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon. Even the Egyptians. It's the fact that they always say "The Nakba."

Israel Has Elections All the Time
That's true.

The People of Gaza are Innocent
They say the people who voted for Hamas have nothing to do with Hamas.
Is this why they were cheering when they heard Jews were killed. Is this why they were having parties when they saw an Israeli woman raped. Sorry. I don't have a joke for this one yet.
Arab villages in the settlements had fireworks going off on October 7th. It seemed like thousands of people got married specifically that night. Maybe they thought it was a football match.

I hope this helps.
There is more. They say Israel is committing war crimes, singing songs like "Am Yisrael Chai" which the Geneva Convention banned. And they say that the people of Israel are divided. Nobody is taking this war that seriously. It's not the Supreme Court we're talking about.
It's hard to fight the propaganda when you're being attacked by a people whose number one weapon is their three year old child. Hamas is using them as shields, shooting them out of cannons, killing them fourteen times.
They one thing they accurately claimed is attempted genocide, already on October 8th. Hamas tried. Many have tried. But we stand strong, from the river to the sea.
"Am Yisrael Chai." There I go. Committing genocidal war crimes.

Announcements
Hoarding in our community must stop. All of your stuff ends up at the shul. The fire department stopped by and blamed the rabbi for being a hoarder, because the Horvitz family dropped off a truckload of clothes. The shul is not Goodwill.

We ask you pay your dues with money you have. Bounced checks don’t count as payment. Trying is not appreciated. We understand it’s school tax season. We ask you pay dues as another tax write-off. If it's a tax write-off some of you might pay it.

Bingo volunteers should not be playing Bingo. It looks rigged when the ones calling are winning. We are losing customers, due to seeing the ushers hand winnings to themselves. If you’re winning and you’re the one bringing the cards to the game, it comes off wrong.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Care About People so Your Shul Doesn’t Turn into a Goodwill, Chas vShalom. How to Get Written Off By the Shul by Not Paying Your Dues. How to Make it Look Like the Bingo Game is Rigged, with Bracha.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bereishit 13:5-8) The land couldn’t support the flocks and cattle of both Avraham and Lot. ‘And the land couldn’t support their living together, for their possessions were much and they couldn’t dwell together.’ Sounds like Jim and Bracha. Their marriage... You guys are hoarders.
When you can’t live with somebody else’s wealth, you can’t live with them, and this congregation has absolutely no money. At least the congregants give nothing to Tzedakah. I think we’re only together because nobody gives anything to the shul. The community bonds by not donating anything useful to the shul. By not helping... Ever seen the sisterhood?! Helping leads to fights.

And there was a fight between their herdsmen.
What are you going to fight over? Who was less helpful to the congregation.

Success did not allow for them to live in peace. Success separates families. Wealth pulls families apart. It definitely hasn’t stopped people from coming to shul, who don’t pay dues. It doesn’t stop them from coming to shul and not sponsoring Kiddish.

Did you ever notice how annoying rich people are?!... Poor people are annoying too. We have a lot of them in our shul.

So they separate. All should be good. Lot chooses the planes of the Yarden. Beautiful land. But again, great land means nothing without the right people. Lot encamped all the way down in Sedom. (13:13) ‘Now the people of Sedom were wicked and sinners before H’, exceedingly.’ And we know what happens there. Kind of like the board that ruined a great Bingo night. Could’ve been a great thing for our shul, like Beit Knessed Ashirut vSimcha. They run a great Bingo night, because Samantha is not running their board...

Again, Lot ends up not doing well...
Choosing based on money and living for financial success just leads to strife and bad relationships. Bad relationships with a yacht.

Would we rather have wealthy or poor congregants? Good question. Let’s start with congregants. Those are annoying. I'm thinking of giving them a choice to go to East Topeka. I'll go west...
You give the worst donations. Instead of giving of your wealth to charity, you dump stuff on the shul... Your old set of Monopoly is not a donation... It's missing the railroad cards and the thimble piece. Everybody wants to be the thimble... Your set of Monopoly will ruin junior congregation. And those kids don't give money either...
Throw it out. Why is it that the shul is your warehouse? We understand you collect doll heads. Those scare kids. And I can't stand junior congregation too.

If it’s valuable, why are you dropping it off at shul? You’ve never given anything valuable to this congregation... Your Davening is not appreciated. No value. That is not a donation...

Your check bounced... Your note that the shul should cover school taxes. Why are we to pay for school taxes?...

It’s not all about money. It’s about what you do with money, your relationships... I don’t like people either... I am sorry if you don’t have enough money to pay school taxes. Maybe this shul isn’t for you. Shul taxes.
We're going to start charging shul taxes.

We must support the shul. Not to fight over the shul having money... We don't have money. You don't pay your dues. All we have is Bingo...
It’s not gambling. It’s Bingo.
There aren't enough people supporting the gambling in our shul. Other shuls are drawing so many more people to Bingo because they have good callers. You're bringing up stories of your ancestors in Odessa. It's 'O-63.' Just say 'O-63.' You don't have to go, 'O, as in Odessa. Where I come from. My family immigrated...'
We’ll never be successful if the volunteers are winning. You called the game and said, ‘The winner is me.’
Bracha. You took the money out of your hand, showed it to everybody. Then, put it in your pocket... They all knew about you winning. You waved the money and smiled and did a leg kick on your jump... You even started singing, 'I'm in the money... I've got a lot of cash to help me get along.' And the Bingo players were asking how you won without a card...
We would be more successful if one of the card sellers went to one side and the other went the other way. Sometimes, separating does do good for a community... The problem is this community is like Sedom and Amorah. They also never donated to shul.

If we just had the issues of boundaries with money... Our issues of boundaries are our congregants over-bothering the rabbi.

Sometimes in life you go to your destiny. Other times in life you get away from wealthy people. And other times in life, you have to deal with congregants that offer nothing to the shul. Congregants that are so against money that they won’t pay their dues or help at Bingo... I feel like H’ is telling me that there is a whole land of amazing congregations and I should go and choose one...

May we be Zoyche to more fights and congregants that are useful.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi made a great argument for focusing on wealth to keep people away. To quote Zahava, ‘If my wealth keeps people away, and I don’t have to talk to them at Kiddish, because I have money, I’m happy.’ Zahava isn’t wealthy, but she has learned to keep people away while she’s eating kugel.
She has even found a way to get out of showing up to family events, like Lot, by sending big gifts.
I think the rabbi just said everybody is annoying. That was his message.

You want to pull a family apart, leave your kids money. Save up money and don't write a will, and your kids will hate each other. Again, separating family. It separated mine. And now, I don't get invited to half the Simchas. I save on gifts. Being poor doesn't hurt, as long as somebody wealthy separates you.

The rabbi made it very clear. He only wants congregants with money. But they shouldn’t focus on money. They should give it to the shul.

The shul is not Goodwill. It turns out, the shul doesn't care about people, especially those in need. If somebody is in need and can pay full membership, they might care.
The fact that there was a 'Chas vShalom' added to the rabbi's class about giving to people, a strong 'Gd forbid,' expresses the importance of community and keeping people out.
People still drop off their junk at shul. They say it’s not junk. But when they drop it off, we know it is. We've even had people come to pick up a 1960s Barbie they dropped off by accident. They felt bad the shul might make money off it.

They drop it off and say it’s something the shul can use. Who makes that decision over a bike tire that went flat?! We need another committee for taking people’s junk.
The fact that Simmie thought his Davening was him giving to the shul is the real issue. If you wonder why people can't stand Simmie, it has nothing to do with his wealth.

The shul is to blame for school taxes. Why? Because they ask for dues at the same time the town is collecting school taxes.
School, Shul, they sound the same. Not a shocker. They all want our money.
The key is tax write-offs. People need to hear that. They feel like they save money when they hear write-off. Anything with write-off makes them happy. Ethel Berman wrote-off her brother. Now they don't talk, and she is happy.
Everything should be a tax write-off. Our congregants would spend a lot more. The board decided that next year's Yizkur Appeal will have 'Tax Write-off' written on it.

The rabbi is more worried about people showing up to Bingo than Shabbat morning Shacharit.
He said Bingo is not gambling but a game. To quote, 'It's a game where everybody loses and the shul wins.'
It turns out Simcha knows that I-23 and G-57 are weighted. Weighted Bingo balls should be forbidden, as weighted measurements. For some reason, nobody in the congregation has said anything about the weighted balls. And Bracha is fine with it.

The rabbi ended his sermon by blessing everybody with wealth, and that their family should hate them.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about people giving him a beautiful holiday fruit platter and kids enjoying themselves on Simchat Torah, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for stealing food from the shuk and bringing up the price on Chamutzim in Israel.

Last time we discussed haggling. Now we will discuss practice and working the techniques. The Third of What They Say Technique, The You Name the Price and Run With What You Want Technique, The Walk Away Method. The Purchase What You Don’t Want Tactic. How do you prepare for Israel?! That is today's question.
Practice. Like anything in life, you must practice. You don’t just show up as a tourist expecting to get a bargain. You don't just show up to the Kotel expecting to not get attacked by the Tefillin guy, unless if you've been practicing your wind sprints. You don't just order falafel and expect to get an extra falafel ball, unless if you told them to hold off on the salads - a money topping method used by the skilled falafel purchaser who has practiced balancing the free salatim - a money saving method for the thrifty falafel eater. You prepare. You study. You learn Hebrew. I have a friend who spent five years getting her doctorate in Hebrew, just so she could get a decent deal on avocados at the shuk.
 
Tzimtzum and Me
Maybe I'm using that word wrong.
Haggling comes with practice. It's not just a skill set. It's a mindset. Haggling is a way of life. If you have pride, you'll never be able to get a deal. Hence, you must practice to develop the necessary skills for not caring about other people judging you for saving a shekel on a bag of pickles.
Making the shuk guy feel like he got ripped off. Not feeling bad arguing over the cost of a falafel ball. Walking in well polished shoes, letting them know you won't budge. It takes years to get to that point of not feeling shame over the shekel and a half. I am proud to say I am there.
After twenty years of living in Israel, practicing my skills, I have saved a good 15nis. True pride, if I may say so. And that only came with the understanding of myself, and not caring if I women are attracted to me.

Tooting My Horn - Inspiration for Haggling Practice Overseas
I'm a haggling savant. Nothing will stop me from getting a better deal. That's the attitude you must have, even when you're in America, which is not in the Middle East (most Americans are not aware of this tidbit). Remember, you must stay in practice. Something not easy to do, when the people working at Macy's think the price tag with the sale sign on it is the final price.
To stay in practice, you must complain. Complaining is paramount to bargaining technique. You want to let them know how bad the product is, which is why you want it. Many sales people don't get this. I went to the manager’s office at Macy’s and sat down to discuss how I didn't like the price tags. It turned out to be a decent conversation, and I walked out with nothing.
Purchasing a home? Show up and let them know you don't want it. That will throw them for a loop.

Practice Wherever You Are
If I haven't inspired you yet. Work on your haggling skill set. Wherever you are, keep your haggling up to snuff.
To keep myself in practice and ready for the shuk vendors, I've haggled with vending machines. It's hard to get a decent deal on the Snyder’s sourdough pretzels. But I was persistent. When haggling with a machine, you want to employ the Violent Yell Back Method. Whack the machine while screaming at it and a decent bag of pretzel fifths might come out.

A Story to Inspire You
I've used my haggling skills in America, and I've gotten deals. Sometimes it is a shocker. The pizza shop guy didn't see it coming. He was selling pizza.
The pizza shop guy said the slice was $3.75. I told him there was no way I was paying $3.75 for the last slice of pizza on that pie. I told him, ‘$1.50.’ Remember, you decide the price. That was the first time in my life that I got a slice of pizza for free. He said, ‘Please take this slice and never come back.’
You see, haggling works everywhere. Just keep your skills fresh.

Remember, the best place to practice is department stores. They have employees that are there to field questions that make no sense. And they have security, which adds an extra dimension to the haggling experience, when they're trying to throw you out.
Keep your skills fresh and haggle with the marked prices and sales at department stores in America, and the shuk vendors will be a breeze.

My friend who worked on her Hebrew, she still got ripped off. She knew Hebrew, but she sounded like an American. Point is, you must practice.
She regrets learning Hebrew. To quote, 'Why learn Hebrew if you can't get a deal.'

Announcements
The rabbi has called off the shul casino night fundraiser. He feels it will be too much fun, and that it is Asur. The rabbi also said it’s forbidden because the other half of the shul that doesn’t golf, spends half their week at the casino and hasn’t pay their dues.

The holidays are over. We ask all parents to stop yelling in shul.

Candy violence must stop. One of our very own children got taken to the emergency room the other day due to a Bat Mitzvah injury over Parshat Bereishit. It was after Simchat Torah, which is a very dangerous holiday due to candy. Parents somehow think it's safe to hurl candy around children at shul. The X-ray showed five boxes of Jelly Bells, three large Atomic Fireballs and Jawbreakers, with a Laffy Taffy in her spleen, due to attack for wanting a Sunkist Fruit Gem. The Laffy Taffy was wedged in there, due to the child competing for a Sunkist gem.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Lose All of Your Money at Shul and Not a Casino. How to Abuse Your Children Like the Horwitz Mishpuchi Who are Yellers. How to Violently Attack Somebody Who Has Pez or Anything Paskesz.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drashas Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bereishit 6:11-12) ‘And the earth became corrupt before Gd, and the earth became full of robbery (Chamas).’ And you haven’t paid your dues...
Of course it was before Gd. Who else would it be before?... Yes. It was before 1985... They must've had a board. Good question. I'm sure the president is siphoning funds. I definitely haven't received a raise in a while...
And right after this robbery, it says, ‘And Gd saw the earth and behold it was corrupted.’ Corrupted here the same root as the word ‘destroyed.’ Shachat... I used the Hebrew there so you can understand that your rabbi knows a lot. He went to Ulpan...

Chamas. Robbery. Stealing is what destroyed the world. I will not get into reserved seats during the High Holidays... It is stealing, even if you sit in that seat the rest of the year.

R’ Hirsch presents the Midrash that they stole from one another in little ways that were not subject to authority. This kind of thievery is morally damaging, as thievery within the letter of the law weakens our conscience and corrupts our social makeup. Like the board. Ruining the makeup of our shul. It's that little thievery, like the congregants who steal my time. Morally damaging society with their dumb questions...

It's the stuff that looks legal. Kind of like the way you guys don’t pay for your Mishebeyrachs... When you make us sit through fifty of your first cousins in blessing form, plus the Gabai of the shul, you have to pay for that. To not pay is what destroys the world. As do your cousins. The pain they put is through with your blessing them. When you pull out that list of sixty Ben Moshes, you're weakening the conscience of our congregation... People stopped showing up because of you and your Mishebeyrach list, Sam...

Casinos are destroying our society. Topeka is being destroyed by the thievery of the casinos. And they cause our members to not pay dues.
And this destruction has led our board to wanting to host a casino night... A fundraiser?! You're destroying our congregation. You know the roof has a leak. Might turn into a flood...

Casino night? You mean gambling in the shul???
Zecharia. You’re an addict. You think slot machines work... I didn't say alcohol was better. Though, there would be more of a chance you would pay your dues...
Ever made the same mistake 300 times. Here’s Zack... You haven’t paid your dues
This isn’t Gamblers Anonymous. What you share with the rabbi does not fall under HIPAA.
I’m here helping you. Telling the shul we shouldn’t have casino night because of you and the other 75% of the congregation that’s addicted to gambling and losing their paycheck to a panda...
Chamas is thievery. Chamas owns casinos... I’ll bet the owners of these casinos aren’t paying their dues. How much are we betting on that?!

And this destruction leads to corruption and anger. It leads to getting ripped off by my mechanic.
It just seems like you use the holidays to get mad at your kids. Take out your addictions...
I heard you yelling at your Sukkah. It’s a Sukkah. It’s supposed to be a joy. You building it with your son is messed up. I have never heard a dad berate their twelve year old child for not being a good construction worker, due to their lack of ability to slip a rod through a hole in a sheet... Your wall is bedding and you're screaming at the kid for not knowing how to build. That's not even good Chinuch... Your destruction and thievery kills the Sukkah.
How hard is it? You’re making a dwelling out of linen...

You steal in little ways, like pile driving the head of a six year old for a Sunkist Fruit Gem... That is stealing. And quite Frankly, Frank, your child is an animal. It was a Fruit Gem. Not even a Laffy Taffy...
The candies. You’re the only parents that let your kids eat candy in five gallon bags... Like you’re hoping they get sick.
Your kids at Simchat Torah were on the floor jumping for candy the whole time. A few kids were praying to a KitKat... The violence was worse than the Pitkins Park jungle gym. Stealing swings... You wouldn't survive there Heather. Those kids would've stolen your spot on the slide... A Twizzler. It was a Twizzler. It didn't have to end that way... And who throws Twizzlers?... You took it out of box. It wasn't even individually wrapped. Twizzlers are dangerous. They're like little whips.

You think it's safe to throw candy around children??? Your kid pile drived his knee into her for a Fruit Gem. Candy is violent. And quite dangerous. It's Chamas... I understand the board came up with a rule that no sucking candies are allowed, due to accidental swallowage. However, Sunkist Fruit Gem attacks, and an unwitting child's not understanding that they must give up their Paskesz to Yankel, causes much more physical harm... A pile driver!!!

Shul violence must stop. There is no need to stab a child with a Laffy Taffy.

And what’s the result of all of this corruption, thievery and candies? (Bereishit 7:21-22) ‘All that have the spirit of life in his nostrils, from all that was on dry land, died.’ Death. Is that what you want? Death by sweets?! That’s what Laffy Taffy can do. When little kids steal Hot Tamales...
And casino night kills shuls... Because you guys end up worshiping the craps table. And then the board pit bosses steals all your money... No. I did not curse there. Though, that’s what people say when they play craps.

It's the small acts of sin and communal destruction that breaks down our society and kills the world, like our board. It's the bad jokes Merv tells at Kiddish...

Yeah. The Torah lets us know that thievery kills a bunch in our Parsha... Because it corrupts, like football, when you don’t show up to Minyin and bet your mortgage on it...

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi equated not paying dues with stealing and trying to kill people.
He then equated gambling with Chamas. Which makes sense. Chamas was probably running underground casinos in Gaza.
And then he considered Pez dispensers to be Chamas. How that was thievery. Maybe it’s how expensive they are. Between us. I’ve choked on Pez before. That stuff turns into sugar dust before you know it, and you're inhaling it.

One guy thought he was saying Chumus. I would rather have good Chumus than candy. Chumus does not destroy the world. Chumus brings the world together.
The rabbi stayed away from equating Chamas with Chamas. He thought the Chumus joke was more valuable than relating the Parsha to what we’re going through in our times.

So this is why the rabbi shares everything you tell him. He says it’s not HIPAA.
The board thought the casino night fundraiser was a good idea. They figured that with all the addicts, this was the only way they would get their money. They figured with Zecharia, he would stay away from the Witchatanqua Casino and give the money to the shul.
The shul needs the funds. If they can get the money through the back way, the board decided they should do that.
The rabbi actually bet Zecharia as to whether or not casinos are bad, and if there'll be a gambling night at shul.

The board voted this week. Decided that the only way to get people to come to shul was to have a casino in it. They're bringing it to court to allow for a casino. They feel they can do better than Bingo if they have slots and card tables.
Bingo has been the one constant in our shul. Some feel Torah reading is important. Most of the board feels Bingo is more important. To quote Pirkei Avot 'If there is no Bingo there is no Torah.'

Sukkah building in our community has been disallowed by family services. A social worker has to show up to ensure the dad does not overly berate the child for hanging a sheet wrong.
The Horwitzs are screamers. And I believe they are not allowed into junior congregation without a police escort.

The shul president gave a very passionate speech about candy violence, and the importance of gambling.

Kids are violent. At the parks too. With the swing-sets, slides and monkey-bar fights, it is more dangerous than Frank's kids around a Laffy Taffy. If they had candy being thrown at the jungle gym the rabbi would forbid slides. He already forbade candies being thrown in bouncy houses.
One kid in our shul took a hockey stick and slashed another kid so he could get a spot at the foosball table, and there was no candy on the table. Though, I think they were playing with a Jawbreaker. The rabbi is correct, these little forms of stealing people's spots destroys the world. I can tell you, I want to shoot the guy who cut me at Carvel, wehn I was going for soft serve the other day.
Note: Jawbreakers sound violent. And they are, especially when one of Frank's kids throws them to get fruit gem.

Due to the use our children have found for Laffy Taffy, the prison warden banned all candy of gooey substance from the commissary.

Against the rabbi's ruling, the congregants brought in card tables and slot machines, and Sunkist Fruit Gems. They even bet on cornhole and the little basketball hoop competition. Foosball, they just threw Jawbreakers at each other. It was the most attended event in shul history. Everybody skipped the casino that night.

Rambam (Hilchot Yom Tov 6:18)  'One who locks the doors to his house and only eats and drinks with his kids and his wife, doesn't have the happiness of Yom Tov, but rather happiness of his stomach.' That sounds like good holiday happiness to me. I'm happy when I'm eating some decent blintzes... The Rambam might be saying it's a bad thing. The idea is that people should be able to break into your home while you're having dinner with the children.
I can tell you that being around the kids and the wife does not bring happiness. You need guests to offset having to deal with them.
 
Each Shofar blast must be fully heard. Thus, the congregation must be completely silent. This isn’t going to happen.

Tradition is to whack the Aravot on the ground on Hoshana Rabbah (Sukkah 44b), and then to leave them there. Leaving your mess and other trash in shul at the end of Sukkot works as a positive omen that somebody else will have to clean it up.

(Rambam M’ Sanhedrin 10:1,1) Due to their lack of understanding, to get kids to learn you say, ‘Read and I’ll give you nuts and dates... honey.’ I liken Reese's peanut butter cups to dates. Same health benefits… The Rambam also mentions honey. I’m not a fan of that whole putting it on the Torah. My rabbi put it on the first letter of the Torah and had me lick it. I had a 'Bet' stuck to me tongue for half a year. He then put it on my Chumash, to make it sweet, I could never get those pages apart. He destroyed many Sefarim with the honey.

You want to shop at the shuk and not get ripped off. Equip yourself with haggling techniques. First step is not being frightened by people yelling at you in a language you don't understand. If you have the courage to get passed being berated for standing in the produce section, near the avocado, here are haggling techniques to help you save the money. Mind you, shuk vendors are very passionate about their avocado.

The Methods
The Third Method
Always respond with a third of whatever price the vendor says. Some people say half, but I that’s very poor methodology. Half is where you might end the negotiation. He says 30 shekels, you say 10. 6nis, you say 2. He says 100, you say 33.3333333. The product isn’t important. He says, ‘Pears are 200.’ You say, ’66.6666666.’ He goes for a crazy number like 102nis, walk away. You don't have time to start figuring out those calculations. Only negotiate with round numbers. If they start playing that game they play, where you have to start using divisibles that have nothing to do with 3, run.
You get him down on the loquats from 70 to somewhere in the teens, you did good. You might be overpaying, as you do not know the going rate for tiny citrus fruit, and you made the mistake of sticking around with a weird divisible (it happens). Yet, you're still getting a deal. You might have no idea what a loquat is. Remember, haggling a mindset.

The Walk Away
This is a great way to get a deal. Just walk away. This allows for the vendor to haggle with himself. The haggling will happen if you're involved or not. You walk away, they're saying, 'OK. I go down.' You keep on walking, they're saying, 'Oh. A hard bargainer. I give you thirty shekels off.'
Shuk vendors are excellent at haggling. Pros. Don't get involved in the negotiation. He can bring himself down to 0 shekels with ease.
No vendor is satisfied with not making the sale. He will follow you through the shuk and abandon his store for you. By the time you are at your car, he'll be placing the almonds and sunflower seeds in your trunk at no charge.
The key here is to walk away and not talk. If you're on your phone and don't even realize the vendor is talking to you, all the better. You'll get an amazing deal.
 
The Product You Don't Want Method
For this to work you have to not want the product. The greatest way to get a deal is to get something you have no use for. Something that will absolutely ruin the look of your home.
This method has been overlooked by too many people. The best way to haggle is to go shopping for stuff that is useless to you. Purchase something you truly despise, you'll always come out a winner.
This is the next step in The Walk Away Method. Here, you are walking away and saying, ‘I do not want it. I didn't even ask for it. Why are you following me.’ And you truly don't want the handheld fan. If you use this method correctly, they will pay you for the product.
This is the reason I always go shopping for paddles with the attached rubber ball. I don’t like the game, don’t want the paddle and only get frustrated when I use it.
Many times this works best when you don't initiate anything. The shopkeeper asks if you want a bango, calling you his friend. You say no. Next thing you know, he's giving you deals on this bango you don't want. Due to this more advanced technique, I've been purchasing stuff I didn't even know they had. One guy was trying to get rid of a butterfly amulet. Didn't want it. I have no idea what butterflies have to do with Israel, or screaming at me. Didn't even know I bought it. He said, 'Here. Give me a shekel and take it.'

The Yell Back Method
You yell at them. You scream loud enough and scare them. That's when you get the deal.
Note, you have to be louder than them. They're only scared of people who can shout the cost of that day's avocado louder than them.
This method also works well with violence. Get this method down, and you're running the shuk. Deals are endless. You might get locked up. Either way, you're getting an excellent deal on dinner.

You Name the Price Method
Show up at the store and tell them how much it costs. This technique is a lot of fun, as you the customer decide the price. And you the customer are always correct, if you're loud enough.
If you decide on the price, what can they say? Nothing. Exactly. Disregard any markings. You want to pick out a new shirt with the Beitar Jerusalem’s logo on it, you don’t like the price, tell him ’20 shekels.’ Better yet, you don't like the logo, bring the price down to 12nis. You feel there should be a sale? 50% off on the 12 shekels, you're only paying 6. It is up to you. Place down the money, and do a fast walk away.

The Stand and Eat Method
If you don't ask and take it. It's free. As long as you don't ask for a bag and eat it there, all produce is on the house.
Note: You cannot use this method with the Walk Away. Once you’re moving, you have to pay.

I hope this gives you the courage to get a decent deal on avocado.

Announcements
From now on, we will be singing Acheinu at the end of every service, in honor of the loved ones of Israel we lost the past year and the Achdut (unity of our people). They should have an Aliyat Nishama. We ask that out of respect for the fallen that none of our congregants harmonize.
We understand that many congregants are mad they will not have as much time to golf, due to the singing. Even so, we do expect that the extra prayers will help with your game.

We ask Bernie to not pray for rain. We have a feeling his prayers are not answered. Ever since he prayed for Rachel to get better, and her cough turned into a tumor, we don’t appreciate his prayers.

We lost members because of the Yizkur appeal. They said they’re never coming again on Yom Kippur due to these surprise chargers. To quote, 'Our parents would be rolling over in their grave if they knew the shul was still collecting pledges from them.'

Sukkot decorating this Monday is open to kids of all ages. That means under eighteen. Over eighteen people are scary.

The Felsenblums love each other. You could see that love when he handed her the Lulav and Etrog over the Mechitza. True love.

Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Sing Acheinu Right and Not Ruin a Good Song Like the Back Left of Our Shul. Yizkur Appeals and How Your Loved Ones Go Up To Heaven When You Give the Shul More Money. How We Suffered a Drought Because of Bernie's Off-key Singing. How to Purchase  Sukkot Decorations When You're Over Forty: How Not to Scare Children By Making Paper-plate Pomegranates with Them as an Old Person. The Love of a Religious Couple: How an Etrog Saved a Marriage.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Our hearts go out to all the families and the loved ones we lost in the tragedy last Simchat Torah... It goes from vZot HaBracha into Bereishit... I know it's painful. Right after, that Shabbat, we read another Parsah. I know it’s a lot. I have to deal with the Chazin too. We all feel the pain...
I have no idea what (Devarim 33:13-17) ‘and with the bounty of the moon’s yield, with the quick ripening crops of the early mountains...’ I have no idea what early mountains mean. I don't know if mountains get sleep. I'm not a geomorphologist.
Maybe it has something to do with people going to early Minyin not needing to waste their whole day hearing a Chazin go off on some harmony, or a Torah reader Layner guy who still sounds like he's reading his Bar Mitzvah Parsha. The early mountain guy gets gets to go to work, because he doesn't have to hear the people in our shul... No. I don't know what the moon yields.
I do know that Yosef’s kin receive blessings of prosperous land, as he was separated and he gets that ‘crown’... You’ve done nothing, which is why you live in a shack and your grass is dried out... Simeone. You grow dried fruit.

It’s because of ancestry. That’s why your kids get no blessings... It's because of you.

Moshe doesn’t mention wives in the blessings. He’s talking about the nation... You need a wife. When it comes to the individual not messing up and getting decent land, you need somebody telling you you messed up.
The wife keeps you on the moral path... People would've thought it was a curse if Moshe brought the wives into it...

(Bereishit 2:20) Adam names all the animals, ‘but for Adam he didn’t find a helper against him.’ Somebody against him to tell him he messed up...
Problem is man was naming all the other animals, thinking about them, but he had nobody to think about him. Nobody giving him a name. With a wife, you have somebody to tell you you're a Yutz...

I understand there is a lot going on this weekend. Calm down. It's sermon time.

(Bereishit 2:25) ‘And they were both naked, man and his wife, and they were not ashamed.’ They weren't as out of shape as our membership.
It is because they ate from the Tree of Knowledge, Etz HaDaat, they realized they were naked. And B"H. I wouldn't want to see the back left of this shul without clothes... I would've realized you were naked. So out of shape. When you have knowledge, you realize you don't want to see Louis without a shirt. You know that much... I'm not going back to the JCC pool because of you.
That's why you need a wife, Chaim. You have no style. You'd be better off naked.

I don't know who would've eaten from the Etz HaDaat. If you did, you would've realized how off you are. How off your singing is. You would've realized the Yutziness of this congregation. The nakedness of your moral aptitude.

Singing Acheinu is beautiful. It had me crying... It’s the swaying. The melody. Singing it with you guys off-tune just brings tears to my eyes... Partially because I’m thinking about our Jewish people. The ones I like.
The harmony is wrong. Your singing is the antithesis of brotherhood. Your singing Acheinu is pulling our people apart...

We do ask our congregants don’t pray for the nation... Bernie. Your prayers are a curse. It’s like a curse when you say Tehillim. H’ does the opposite...

And you still haven't paid your appeal card pledge... Sukkot is already over...
Of course we do it on the holidays. It’s an appeal. It’s a High Holiday appeal. It’s tradition... You can’t appeal the appeal... You pay dues and then the appeal...

If the wives of this shul would just tell your all how messed up you are... That's why I have to do it.
Even eighteen year olds showing up to Sukkah decorating is weird. There are seven year olds there... No. You shouldn't be coloring paper plates past high school.
It’s for kids Bernie. You’re not a kid. You’re ninety years old.... Feeling like a kids does not make you a kid. It makes you creepy.
Seeing you cutting out a paper chain is creepy. Seeing you in a swimsuit is creepy. Hearing you praying to H' is scary...

That’s true love. Handing your wife an Etrog over the Mechitzah is romance... Saving money is romantic. Buying two Lulavs and Etrogs is not... Buying extra beds and extra fridges is not romance. Sharing is.
Well Mordy. How do you express your love?... Passing your child over the Mechitzah is not love. That's you trying to get rid of the thing. Passing an appeal card is also not love... We understand you don't want to pay the pledges. You haven't paid your dues...

(Bereishit 3:6-7) They ate of the true of good and bad. ‘Their eyes were open and they knew they were naked.’ If anybody here was smart, they'd realize they haven't paid their pledges... It might have been an Etrog. How would I know?! It was probably ginger. That stuff wakes you up...
And if you have the wrong wife, you’ll make dumb decisions and eat from the one messed up tree. In all of the garden, you’ll be eating the only fruit that aren’t ripe. It will be like you're eating from Simeone's garden... I know you take pride in it. The shriveled up fruit...
No. Wear clothes. Wear clothes but be pure. Marry a woman who is pure...

Our nation is still mourning the loss of this past year and Mark is worried about getting in an extra round of golf...

So, like Adam, make sure you marry well, unlike Marleen who married Rich, and enjoy the correct blessings of the land. Marry somebody you want to pass your Lulav and Etrog to over the Mechitzah. Somebody who well help you decorate a Sukkah normally. Not like Bernie, who thinks it’s decorative to put streamers and pomegranates on a walker. Somebody you’ll want to sing Acheinu with...

Rivka's Rundown
How the rabbi knew the word geomorphologist, I have no idea. I don't even know shapes.

‘Your kids get no blessings because of ancestry.’ I believe that’s a shot at the parents of the kids in junior congregation. He considers those things a not blessing. The rabbi was also hitting the immigrants to America five generations ago. The Felsenstein family didn’t have it easy. They purchased that home. I think the rabbi should’ve told them that without renovations they won’t be blessed. Without renovations and watering their lawn during the summer.

How we can dance on Simchat Torah. It's that joy through tears. A greater sense of the responsibility of Simcha. Happiness as a people is not always easy in our shul. It would bring some happiness if the men in our shul just didn't look so pathetic dancing. Walking around looking depressed. With the arms on each other, it looks like they're just trying to keep their balance.
The weird thing in our shul this Simchat Torah is nobody was holding hands. Since COVID they all dance six feet apart.

Acheinu had me crying too. I think it’s the sway. The rabbi is right. But why did we stop singing Hatikva. I think Acheinu is the new song of Israel. The new anthem. It's good the feminist population hasn't caught onto the lyrics yet. It's better we don't sing it in English.

Some congregants had an issue because Acheinu adds time to Davening. They feel it's more important to have time to golf. They actually expressed their frustration. I didn't think that day would come where their golf was more important than the survival of our nation.
It's the same people that are mad there is a Holocaust Remembrance Day. One of them actually suggested a Holocaust themed mini golf course.

The biggest worry is that the board didn't mention an end date for Acheinu. If they would've said, 'It will be till the end of February,' the golfers would've been fine with it. They say that they can sometimes get in some good golf in March. And that is more important than the survival of our people.
Most of our membership is against Jewish unity.

Most people were crying because of how long Davening was. And for three straight days.
The naked talk in shul had most of the women's section wanting to run. Thinking of any of their husbands naked brought flashbacks of horror.

People have started asking Bernie to not pray for them. Congregants have started standing by him during the prayer for the healing of the sick to make sure he doesn't say 'Amen.'
I have a feeling our congregants are vindictive and they pray for bad stuff to happen.

The Sukkah decorating was off. Older people decorating had some weird arts and crafts projects popping into the Sukkah. One guy brought his walker to hang in the Sukkah. He called it modern art.
I think we have to stick to crayon drawings on paper plates.

The rabbi and the board is still appealing. They had a Sukkot appeal. They appeal whenever they have a chance. We went apple picking and there was an Apple Appeal. Any time there is one word, they have an appeal. They had a Kiddish Appeal. We even had a Costco Appeal when the rabbi wanted his own cottage cheese in a five gallon container.
We had a Paper Chain Appeal. The shul said they needed money for 'the next generation.' They even called them 'the next generation' as that brings out higher numbers on the appeal card flips. The rabbi got somebody to donate the paper and they still asked for money. Total cost was eight dollars. Total monies brought in during the appeal was four thousand dollars. Total monies of the appeal pledges received, zero.
The appeals are getting annoying. I flipped the tab just to get the shul office to send me a letter to pay stuff I won’t. I feel like it at least has them doing something for the dues I paid.

I am happy the rabbi clarified what makes people creepy. For me, it’s when an old guy talks to me at Kiddish.
They should be able to talk to me at Kiddish. It’s just that they spittle when they talk.

It was very romantic. The way she shook the Lulav at him and injured his cornea while smiling was romance.

They didn’t see the duck in the shul. They were orthodox, but not all orthodox people are observant. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Observant means observing the Mitzvahs. Orthodox means following the Mitzvahs, observant. Not the fact that waterfowl is in your shul.

He said his new house in Jerusalem is better than his home in America. He said, ‘In Israel, I have a Bayis.’ (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A house is a Bayit. Could be a Bayis if you're Ahskenazi. Bias. An Ashkenazi Hebrew pun. A bias for his Bayis in Israel. It might take time to get that pun. Try reading it again and stress 'Bayis.' Enunciate it for a good three seconds.
 
They wanted social services, so they all talked during Davening. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Services are prayers. Social services are usually for care of people. Talking in shul is social too. It was a social service because they were talking during Davening.
 
I purchased a Jewish papercut for the house. It was full of blood. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? I purchased papercut art. The guy who did the art had an actual paper cut. He was Jewish. I knew it was a real Jewish papercut. Because he cut himself. I felt good paying for the real thing.

I wonder who’s going to do the shofar this year. Last year the guy really blew it. (Mordechai)
You get it? Blew it. You blow a shofar. ‘Blew it’ means messed up. He blew blowing the shofar.

I was going to do Kaparot, but I chickened out. (Mordechai)
You get it? Kaparot is the atonement ritual done before Yom Kippur. Done many times with a chicken. I chickened out. Meaning I didn’t do it. I chickened out to do it with a chicken. Two uses of the word chicken.
 
The price of Sukkahs has gone through the Schach. (Mordechai)
You get it? Schach is what we cover the Sukkah with. The roof of the Sukkah!Instead of going through the roof, it goes through the Schach on Sukkot. We all have homes, what we cover them with depends on how religious we are, and the weather. 'Gone through the roof' is the known saying. Thought you might want to know that.

Simchat Torah is coming up. Hence, we shall discuss Jewish dances. In years past we've talked about the different One Hand Torah Hold methods, the Huddle Jump, the Arm Raise, Chest Bounce techniques, the Arm Interlocked Twirl Arounds, the Rebbe Approach and dangers surrounding it, the Run Fast, the most popular of Jewish dances, the Walk Around, and the Stand and Clap.
This year we will focus on some hora styles of Jewish dance, so you can look cool and traditional at shul this Simchat Torah.

Hora Circles
The Hora is about style. And style is what Jewish dancing is about. You walk around that circle and you look good.
The Hora is an Israeli style dance where you move forward and then you go back to where you started. It is a great feeling when you think you are moving and then, you are skipping and jumping back to where you were. The Hora is not just a dance. The Hora is a message. A way of saying that progress is not our goal, like the tradition of a nation.  'We are moving, but we are not.’
Even if the circle is moving, every once in a while, you make sure to take that step, back to remind the kids about to tradition and to hurt the guy behind you's foot who was moving too fast.
 
The Back and Forth
The Hora can be a letdown in the modern Hora circle, as it sometimes moves forward a bit too fast. Many people like the idea of staying in one place when dancing, which makes for a more perfect Hora. These people don’t do the Hora’s two steps forward and one step back. Instead, they created the one step forward and one step back. Affectionately known as The Cradle Rock, this is for people who like to stand in the middle of the sidewalk and don’t like to move while they are dancing. The Jew of tradition, this is Israeli dancing at its best.
A variation of The Back and Forth is the ‘Sit Down.’ Similar to a protest, the ‘Sit Down’ is where you take a chair, sit down in the middle of the dance floor, and take a break. At a proper wedding, you may be lucky enough to get some people dancing in front of you, confusing you for the bride and groom. If you play the Sit Down version of the Hora correctly, you might get some gifts too.
 
Half Beat Side to Side Jump 
Huge in the ultra-Orthodox community, and done at all Tishes, this is where you interlock arms with the person next to you, hold each other close, and rock back and forth. A great show of Achdut, Jewish unity, you don't move together. It’s similar to the Israeli Hora, but more Frum.
 
Leg To Leg Bop
The modern Hora dance used for everything in Israel, more bopping is involved in this hora. Still dancing in circles, you may do this dance alone. Known as the COVID, the distance Hora jump dance making its way to America the past few years, I would like to credit Effie Allman for noting the brilliance and multifaceted abilities of this dance.
Dancing the Chatan and Kallah to the Chupah, dancing at protests, dancing at football matches, the meaning may change. Yet, the Leg to Leg Bop Hora remains in its tradition of expression.
Due to the dangers of uncoordinated wedding guests, many do Leg to Leg Bop dance alone. Still in a circle, as it is Jewish. Never take a dance out of the circle. Heretics do that. Apikorsim. Once the dance is in line form, it's not Jewish. The 'Yiddin' is not a Jewish dance. Nor is 'Cotton Eyed Joe.' I understand that last statement will cause much controversy. However, it must be said. It's not in a circle. It's a line dance. It has no connection to a Hora. 'Cotton Eyed Joe' is not a Jewish dance.
Again, like The Run Fast Dance, you must be in shape to bop.
 
Next time we will deal with what to do when there are many circles. Also focusing on which circle to join when you're out of shape and not ready for a Leg to Leg Bop. We will also discuss whether The Train is Jewish, and if you have to perform The Train in circle form for it to be Halachikly permissible.

This Simchat Torah, claim your spot and do the Hora. Remember, like any good traditional Israeli dance, the Key to the Hora is letting the people know, 'I'm moving but I'm not.'

Announcements
The rabbi will be handing out his Shabbat Shuva Drasha. He feels that you getting a booklet of thirty sources shows enough of his brilliance that he does not need to give the speech. The rabbi also said he will also not explain why it's not called a Shabbat Teshuva Drasha.
 
It’s the Ten Days of Repentance. Do Teshuva. Literally meaning ‘returning.’ The rabbi wants to make it clear that we do not return to ourselves. He said to return to Gd and not to what you were. To quote, ‘Our members were a bunch of sinners, annoying, and messed up.’
 
We need to watch out for our older congregants. Max and Hy ran into each other after not seeing each other years, though they both come to shul. Max told Hy he looked the same, hasn’t changed a bit. Hy said the same. Apparently, they’re both losing their eyesight.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Ho to do Teshuva and Become Something Else, So Gd Will Finally Love You. Seeing People For What They Are: Older.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
If the heavens and earth heard your stupidity...

Yes. HaAzinu is a song. This is a song... I don’t know the tune. Moshe might have written it to a lyre... I don't read lyre notes... Not all songs rhyme. It’s a song because it brings everything together in clarity and unity. When stuff makes sense, it’s a song. This is why the shul band hasn’t been able to write a decent song... Nothing here makes sense. Why I had to even explain this, doesn't make sense.
When bad gets punished, it’s a song. When you see a congregant, whose car got stolen, it’s a song...

(Devarim 32:13) H’ will ‘have him eat ripe fruits... He would suckle him with honey from the stone, and oil from a flinty rock...’ Yes. That’s a blessing and excellent lyrics. Flinty rocks are amazing. You can write with it. That amazing chalkiness. Everybody loves flint... Dylan couldn't have written that. William Hanna's Flintstones song is good, but 'suckle him with honey...' are much better lyrics than 'the modern stone-age family.' Great lyrics though...

(Devarim 32:15) ‘You became fat... and deserted Gd its Maker...’ Not all fat people desert Gd. It’s just that you become focused on physical joy, you desert Gd...
Yes. Bad stuff happens then. When you desert Gd for dessert, issues happen. You become heavy and sin.
And what has this congregation done this year, but put on weight...

This is about Teshuva. Not the Shabbat Shuva Drasha. It’s a different Drasha... Shuva is Teshuva. Try saying Shabbat Teshuva... Exactly. It sounds like Shabbat Shuva...

You have Bracha when you have the correct focus... Of course. Of Gd. Every week I have to tell you the same thing...
It is at this time that you return to Gd. To Mitzvot. To song not sung by our Chazin. Songs that make sense... That's the punishment we get. A heavy Chazin...
No Bernie. Don’t return to your best self. Your best self has messed up every time. Fran. Your best self messed up the community quilt... Didn’t think somebody could mess up a community quilt. A bunch of random sewn boxes by untalented members of our shul, and you messed that up...

Hy. You and Max don’t look the same. You guys look worse... That's not a curse. It's a blessing. It's time for you to finally focus on looking old... Old is a Bracha. Thin and old is a Bracha. Return to Gd and stop eating half a pound of babka at Kiddish... Because there are other people and that's selfish.
It’s beautiful to look worse. It’s part of Teshuva...
If your sight was good, you wouldn’t be wearing that suit. It’s a double breasted
This Rosh Hashana may we all be Zoyche to Brachas of decent flint and a good jar of honey... Flinty honey rocks are a Bracha if you don't eat too much of them.

The problem is you're focused on yourselves. On feeding your Tyvas. Your desires. If you had a Tyva to exercise...

Rivka's Rundown
I still don’t know how that’s a song. It was almost as bad as something the shul band writes. Maybe it’s a different type of song. Maybe the shul band didn’t rhyme stuff, because their song was spiritual.
The rabbi went off on how these pop songs make no sense. That part of the sermon took a really long time. The rabbi doesn't like Taylor Swift.
Questions about the Flintstones came up. Whole discussions as to whether or not a car should have stone wheels, even if it's made of flint, came up.

People are now worried that if they eat too much they’ll serve false gods. And the rabbi is happy that he can finally get to his egg salad without having to push away the members who are hogging it all.
The rabbi believes that if you have worse food we’ll serve Gd better. Though he contends that you can't make worse kugel than the sisterhood. I'm confused. I think the real issue is that our congregants eat too much of the stuff with no taste. If we had flint honey, we'd be good.

The message was food is the idol. The rabbi didn’t say that. I just took that as the message. I created my own sermon. Once they started talking about the Flintstones, I created my own sermon.

The Shabbat Shuva Drasha was handed out in Hebrew. The rabbi figured that not putting in the translation for us showed more of his prowess.

The rabbi went on talking about people’s best selves and how Shloimi’s best self has never shared egg salad at Shalishudis (the third Shabbat meal- which the rabbi said is now forbidden because our membership is too heavy, which means they sin too much to eat Shalishudis). Shloimi hogs the third Shabbat meal. And by the way, Shloimi is skinny. Emaciated.
The rabbi said he would never share a Rosh Hashana meal with Shloimi, because he would get no honey. Shloimi wants all the Bracha for himself.

The rabbi still blames the board for the mess ups in the announcements. He said he would call it typos. But it's too messed up to call it that.
The rabbi went off on how the board also lost their sight. Claiming they have redecorated the shul horrifically. He also went off on the maroon hallways. Samantha thought coloring the halls maroon would brighten up the shul’s atmosphere.

It's good the rabbi threw in 'thin and old.' Otherwise, people were very confused.

For the last week, the membership has been on the new honey diet. They're claiming that's what the rabbi was proposing in his Drasha.

Yom Kippur is coming up and Jews should go to shul. But be ready for the Yizkur appeal. You paid your dues. You paid for the chair. There's more. When you see cards with flip tabs that recollect loved ones, stay away. Take yours, pocket it and make sure to throw it out when you get home. Otherwise, a rogue usher will get hold of it and you'll get more bills from the shul.
And I shall warn you. Try not to listen to the Yom Kippur Yizkur sermon. The rabbi will start talking about relatives that passed, plucking those emotional donation strings, you'll be flipping tabs and your kids will end up with no inheritance.
Here are a few jokes about the Yizkur appeal and paying Jewish community pledges, if giving away the inheritance is funny.

Lost at Sea
The guilt of a Jew follows them everywhere. Even when lost at sea, they're thinking about the shul.
Joke: Merv and Sadie are on a cruise and get lost at sea. The captain tells all aboard they're going to be stuck on an island. Merv and Sadie are excited. This island wasn't part of the itinerary. The captain then goes on to tell them, 'The island cannot be found on any maps. So, the odds they'll be rescued are about zero.'
Merv turns to Sadie and asks, 'Honey. Are our life insurance policies paid up?' 'Of course.' 'Baruch H". Thank Gd.'
'Did we turn off the stove in the house?' 'Yes.' 'Blessed be Gd.'
'Did we pay our pledge for the Yizkur appeal?'
'Shoot. I forgot to send the check.'
'Thank Heaven. The shul will find us.'
That's the one positive of flipping the tab on the Yizkur appeal card. It's insurance. The Jewish community will find you, at least until you paid. After that, nobody will check up on you. You won't get a call. Chanukah will go by without the rabbi calling. Once Pesach starts coming around, they'll call to hit you up for the next Yizkur appeal.
Merv usually calls Sadie 'Sweetie.' But in the spirit of Rosh Hashana, he calls her 'Honey' during the High Holiday season.
Baruch H' means 'Blessed be Gd.' Even if they're stuck on a stranded island, thank Gd their finances are in order.

Search Party for Mr. Cohen
The UJA was great at asking for money back in the day. They joined with the Federations and the name changed to the Jewish Federation of North America. However, UJA sounds much better than JFNA in jokes. By the time you're finished with the JFNA acronym you've lost the crowd.
Joke: Sid Cohen is lost. Nobody can find him for days. An elderly man, the greater community is worried about Sid. The community organizes groups to look for Sid. They go to the parks, the malls, the grocery stores. Sid is nowhere to be found.
Finally going into the woods, they send out different groups to separate into the forest, shouting, 'Search party for Cohen! Search party for Cohen!' Finally they hear a voice, 'If it’s the UJA, I already paid my pledge.'
Why grocery stores made it into the joke, I can't tell you. I can tell you, if you want people to not contact you, pay your pledge.

Finding Jews To Get More Money
Let's stick with UJA. UJC also doesn't work. Though it folded, it gives the jokes historical context.
Joke: Father McFarwell receives a phone call from the United Jewish Appeal. He answers, as he doesn't have caller ID. It was the '80s. He denies he's Jewish. The caller explains 'Father McFarwell. We’re the UJA. We don’t make mistakes. You’re Jewish.’ McFarwell explains, 'I'm a Father. I have crucifixes everywhere. My father was a leader of the church and my mother, Oleha HaShalom... She was buried years ago at Mt. Zion Cemetery. You shouldn’t know of such things. You should live and be well.'
I added 'you shouldn’t know of such things. You should live and be well.' I felt like it gave it some extra Jewish flavor. Like Tzimis.
Oleh HaShalom and Olav HaShalom (Peace unto her and Peace unto him). Using Oleh HaShalom shows how Jews can't avoid saying certain stuff. Hence, a Frum New York Jew who becomes less religious is called a tuna baygel. He will always say 'baygel.'
I'm telling you. Try UJC, it doesn't work. It doesn't have the same ring to it. Ever since the UJA stopped running the Jewish joke genre has died.

Conclusion
All good Jewish jokes are about losing money. We need the UJA back for the jokes.

Epilogue
Always be ready. When you hear anybody mentioning a loved one that passed away, they're going to be asking you for money. When you're poor, nobody wishes you condolences.
You can't get away from the community, unless if you're broke. If you're broke, you'll never receive a call from the shul office or the JFNA. You see? it doesn't work. You won't get a call from the UJA.

This is a service I'm doing for you, to help you bless people with more fruit and vegetable Simanim (signs) during the first night of Rosh Hashana. Most vegetation is used for Simanim curses and I’ve had many sleepless nights due to thoughts of Rosh Hashana pomelos attacking me like enemies of the Jews that have had citrus squeezed into their eyes. As I don’t want you to have nightmares this year, here are some blessings that you can use with your fruit.
It's more fun to curse. However, I understand you have some children and we don't want them to be afraid of foliage.
It turns out that we’ve had to limit vegetation curses due to the pun abilities of our rabbis. Not anymore. Here are extra blessings for you.
 
Bananas- ‘May we all merit to be like a banana and enjoy ice cream without the banana split. Just the ice cream. And a banana later on.’ That was a blessing from my heart. I truly don't like bananas with my ice cream. My nemesis should eat that.
Batata- ‘May this year be a year where you enjoy bata on bread, like a baseball batata that hits a ball round and sweet, like a potato with less calories. A year of healthy carbohydrates in a choolante with paprika.’ Evil people don’t deserve to know of batata. They don't deserve a batata life. They also shouldn’t know of whole wheat bread. They should eat the tasteless, unhealthy, white carbs. ‘Bata’ was used instead of ‘butter,’ because that rhymes with ‘batata.’ Ask any New Yorker. 'Batata' was used instead of a baseball 'batter.' New Yorkers can't explain that.
Carrot- ‘May we all merit to have care in our lives, as a family member habit, just as the rabbit loves the carrot.’ Now I can eat carrots again. I felt 'care' was close enough to carrot. Hence, we worked it into the blessing.
Gourd- ‘May we merit to never be bored like a gourd. Like a gourd in our Sukkah, hung up by a string, a decoration to the world.’ That is very close to a curse. You might not want to share that one with your children, if they like lagenaria. Gourd execution can haunt a child who likes to eat healthy.
Honeydew- ‘May honeydew be the dew of the land, all sticky…’ I couldn’t come up with a rhyme. We’ll try another. ‘I love you, like a honeydew.’ If you are looking to share Rosh Hashana with the love of your life, don’t use that one. You may lose them.
Israeli Salad- ‘May we all merit a very tasty Israeli salad, with onions and salt. May we all be a salad deserving of a ballad. Kol Od BaLevav… the soul of the Jew, Israeli and not pallid.’ I turned that curse into a blessing with onions and salt. I had to, for myself. I'm very Zionistic and pale. I don’t like the salad that much, but I want to be able to support my country and to not fear eating it. The onions truly help the Israeli salad. Truly makes it a Bracha.
Orange- ‘May all merit a year with a decent tan. An orangish tinge.’ Orange you glad I shared that. The kids love the 'orange you glad' blessing genre.
Peach- ‘May we all merit to go to the beach, and not get burned. May we all merit to teach the ways of the world and not feel like we learned. May we all merit to eat a peach, tasty, not full of bleach, like a speech that has turned…’ Poetry may also be used in Simanim. Not all people are sophisticated to grasp the depth of the blessing. Nonetheless, they should still be blessed. The poetry flows.
Plum- ‘May we merit to run real fast, like a plum rolling down a hill. Not a drum rolling down a hill, that will stop when it lands on the flat side.’ Sometimes you want to touch on continued blessings of life in a blessing. Plums are the perfect way to do that.
Pomelo- ‘May we all be kind and sweet to our fellow, like a decent, not sower pomelo.’ Just speaks to the heart. The Zionist heart.
Pumpkin- ‘May evil turn into a limpkin, a huge bird that enjoys a pumpkin. Not to fall asleep like a lumpkin, who turns into a bumpkin.' One day maybe I'll be blessed to know what that blessing means.
Start fruit- ‘May we all merit to see a shooting star, from our car, as we take a trip to a beautiful country not too far, on a plane, that serves star fruit in coach.’ Couldn’t use star fruit for a curse. It is too heavenly.
 
My knowledge of fruits after ‘p’ is fairly limited. But I did bring some blessings from the fruits of Israel. I did mention orange, which should be one of the seven species of Israel.

I would've just given you Rosh Hashana blessings. But I am not good at blessing people without plantae and flora.

Announcements
We understand people are mad about their Yom Kippur seats from last year. The board has very poor judgment of people. Never trust them with wedding seating at your child’s wedding, unless if you want the guests to be not happy. They’ll sit the bride’s family with the groom’s...
We will have general seating this year. We still need you to pay for seats.
 
We're giving music lessons. The shul band, Simchtallica Soft Rock, is real bad and we need a new drummer, guitarist and pianist. One that understands it's a soft rock band.
 
Autumn is here, which means a nice breeze, leaves are falling, and people are depressed.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Ruin People’s High Holidays, with The Board. Music Lessons for People With Hope: Not the Shul Band or Cheryl. How to Not Be Depressed this Autumn by Sitting Very Far Away From Bernie.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
No excuses. You come to shul. You do Mitzvahs. You get in shape... (Devarim 30:11-14) ‘The commandment... It’s not in heaven to say, “Who will go up for us to heaven, to take it, and to hear it for us and do it?’ The Torah is not out of reach. And all you have are excuses. Shul is too long. I have too much work. I need me time. I can’t open a scroll... It’s in books. The Torah is in books now. Nobody is opening a scroll at Yeshiva... Stop blaming your wife for everything. Allen. She's a good woman. She's right here. Not in heaven... That's the problem. I get it...
You have to be in shape to go all the way up to heaven.

You would expect me to get up on a ladder for you to climb up to heaven... Because I have to do everything for you. 'Go rabbi. Get the Torah for us. We gave you a raise eight years ago.'

‘It is close to you this thing, in your hear mouth and in your heart to do it...’ Maybe not in Bernie’s heart... You’re eighty-six and you still haven’t done a Mitzvah.
It’s not even on the other side of the sea. The Torah is right here. In the back of the shul with the fools who talk all of Davening. If that is Torah, I am going to give up. Something is wrong with that section... I'm happy the leave for the Kiddish club. Don't have to see them...
The thing is the Torah. Mitzvahs. Not broom the weed-whacker you needed and forgot what it was called...

You put in effort. The gym is right down the block. Lo BaShamaim Hi. It's not in heaven...

Do stuff. Do Mitzvot. They’re here. Right in front of you... Not disturbing Davening. How about we start with that. How about we start with not disrupting the sermon. That's one of the 'things'...

Mitch. You have no idea how to play the flute... Why do we even need a flute in a rock band?!
A decent musician is not here. No decent entertainment is found in our shul. Possibly in heaven...
They listen because you’re bad. They’re quiet... If you were good, they’d be dancing. They'd be cheering. They'd be singing along... They have no idea what song you're singing... It's off. People are asking, 'Who will go and explain to us what this band is doing?'

You're supposed put in effort because the Torah is everywhere. You can achieve. The shul band is a different story. I don’t believe effort will help the Simchtallica Band. Why are you calling a soft rock band Simchtallica?...
What was the point in Cheryl being in the band. It wasn't a harmonica. It was a kazoo... And she clapped. She was good at applauding.
Soft rock??? Why do you need amps that big and leather pants for a soft rock band?!

It's just that the shul puts in no effort and being here feels like the Torah is really far away...

The board has to put effort into assigning seats for the High Holidays... Because people don’t know where their seats are. Their seats are in heaven... You put in bleachers last year...
Why would people pay for seats if it's general seating? You’re paying for a seat that’s not even yours. You get up and Ben takes it... Laura is a musical chairs hog. She’ll come in and sit right under you.

The Torah is in your homes. It’s with the change of seasons...
Relax. Be happy. I understand autumn is here.
You’re pale. Allen. You’re pale. Sun is bad for you. Stop complaining. You should be thanking Gd for autumn. You can finally go outside and not burn yourself.
It will be a beautiful holiday season... So you have to wear a coat in the Sukkah.
The Torah is in your Sukkah... Build it and it will be in your Sukkah. So lazy.

Put in effort. The High Holidays are coming. Try a bit.
And if the Torah was in heaven?... Rashi teaches that you would have to go up to heaven after it, to learn it. You won’t even wake up on time to come to shul... Are you going to go to heaven?!

Rivka's Rundown
That was the first time I've ever heard a rabbi support the Kiddish club. Our rabbi doesn't want to see the congregants in shul. Especially in the back left.
I think the rabbi saying the Torah is found in his congregation caused an existential crisis for the rabbi. We haven’t seen him since Shabbat. We hope he’s not going to leave Yiddishkeit because of where Torah is found.

The rabbi blames the poor health in our congregation on lack of going to the gym. I think the rabbi was saying that Torah is at the gym.

Really bad musicians. It's like watching a fourth grade recital. People listen because they feel bad. They're trying to figure out if the band was playing a note. Before hearing the band, I thought everything was a note. I was wrong.
Cheryl is a bad harmonica player. Some say it was a kazoo. It was a good kazoo.

I would rather have the board set up the seats. Now I have to run away from Sharon and I have no excuse. I can't tell her, 'Your seat is over there. I have to go sit in my seat.' And she thinks the pew is for everybody. There is no such thing as a pew without more room. We once had thirteen people in the five person pew. This is why you don't have friends in shul.
The board at least gave me an excuse to not sit next to her last year. The board worked for me. I was in cahoots. Assigned seats is key for running away from family too. I was able to throw my aunt on the other side of the women’s section. Now, I only go to weddings with assigned seats. And I make it a point to not sit with my family.
I figure that if I don't sit with people I know, I won't end up having to ask for forgiveness for hating them on Yom Kippur.

I heard autumn was here and I got sick. I think I came down with something from listening to everybody complain about how 'there is a breeze outside now' at Kiddish.

The rabbi did not allow any shul band members to go to the music lessons. He said they have no hope.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to David complaining about people not going for car washes in Israel, putting his stuff in storage and enemies that should die like gourds on Rosh Hashana, with Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for taking stones from a grave, so his ancestors will stones on their headstones.

You've paid shul dues. Now, they want more for the High Holidays. What do you do? You bring your own chair.
Last time we discussed saving money by sitting in the plastic chair section. Since then, Keter prices have gone up. Now the plastic section is taking money. Rip off. If you have plastic chairs at home, there's no reason to pay for the ones at shul. This is why we're going to talk about chair concepts that you can bring to shul.

Bring a Chair from Home
Carry it. Any chair is worth it. No matter what the chair or damage caused by you dragging it to shul, you will be saving money.
Dining room chairs are suggested. This way you can sit in shul in class. The other congregants will be looking at you creating your own seating area in the aisle, saying, 'That guy is doing well for himself. Business must be picking up.'

Bring a Lawn Chair
This is a decent way to save money.
​Again. Use the aisles. Aisles are never taken with seats. Perfect place to pop the chair open. If you're already in the ‘I did not pay my dues’ section, people know to expect very little from you. Why not enjoy the Days of Awe taking in sun from the stained-glass windows.
You can also bring those pop-up chairs in the tube bag. Making it easier to carry the chair to shul. What to do with the bag after you pull the chair out. Ask one of the guys who paid for a seat if you can place the bag in his Siddur holder. Worst case scenario, someone will mistake it for a Tallis bag.

Big Cushions
I would suggest the sports chair cushion, but putting that on top of a pew does not make it your seat. Don't try it. They may send you a bill after Yom Kippur. The same rules of baseball apply to shul. You need to purchase the seat, then you can put down the comfort cushion.
If it was Tisha BAv, I would suggest to bring the cushion, making the ground more comfortable, as one should enjoy the mourning experience. Sitting on the floor during the High Holidays looks like you're protesting Gd.
Huge cushions do work. You can throw those down anywhere on a floor. A decent poof gives you comfort and height. And you can still take it home with you.

Make Your Chair Mobile
Don't overlook the fold up chair. You may have to move your chair for people to get by. Other members who pay for the High Holidays can be Nudniks when they're trying to get to their seats. No Midos. You would think that on Rosh Hashana they would work on their character traits and walk around you.
Remember. You can always use the aisles. Just be ready to move your chair when they're walking around with the Torah.
If you've got a walker, those things double as chairs. They ask, 'Ethel, why didn't you purchase a chair this year?' You let them know you've got one.

Inflatable Chairs
Intex inflatable couches are a great option, and they're light. Only thirty-five dollars, you'll be able to skip that prayer for a New Year of good Parnasa. You'll already be banking your financial well-being. 
You will want to show up early, to ensure you blow up your chair before the holiday. The noise the pump machine makes will disturb the Kol Nidrei prayer.

Bring a Couch
Services are long. Don’t overlook the importance of comfort. You might be poor. Even so, after comparing to the cost they're charging for the holiday seats you'll feel good about how much you spent on the couch for Rosh Hashana.
Couches are heavy. If you carry that, people will probably stay away from you and not bother you about payment. They might even give you Hagba. The lifting of the Torah honor enforces respect.
A pullout bed is a great perk. The rabbi will be giving a sermon.

They Will Try to Get You
Even if you bring your own seat, they will find a way to bill you.
Bring a Machzor as well. You don't want to get charged for using the High Holiday prayer book. You never know how the shul board is going to react to use of shul property. I once showed to shul without a Machzor. I did the whole of Yom Kippur Davening by heart. Saved $360.
Don't let them get you with Yizkor. They'll toy with your emotions and the next thing you know, you've flipped a tab for $1,800. It's important to remember family members who've went to Olam Haba on a budget.

And don't shy away from bringing your own plastic chair. I understand the shul offers the plastic chair section. However, why pay for that when you have a stack at home.
If your shul offered the option where you paid for the High Holiday chair and you were able to take it home with you, I'd call that a win-win. I would say splurge on that. A pew in the living room is a great way to ensure guests don't stay too long.

Remember. If you bring a chair from home nobody will say anything. They will be too uncomfortable to say something.

Announcements
It’s the last week before Selichot start. We suggest to get sleep now.
 
We ask everybody calm down. We understand that Rosh Hashana and Sukkot will be three-day Yom Tovs. Many members have come to the rabbi to ask if converting to another religion for October is fine. The rabbi has decreed that converting to not have to cook for three days or hear a Chazin is not acceptable.
The Jewish Family Service will be offering counseling for members who are worried about having to eat Kugel for three straight days.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Skip Work So You Can Get Sleep During the Two Weeks of Selichot. How To Cook for a Three Day Yom Tov and Still Love Your Family. How to Get Seats in the Back of the Shul, So You Can Show Up Late on the High Holidays. How to Not Bloat Like Shaindy Who Gets Very Heavy during the Holidays.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 26:16) ‘This day, H”, your Gd, is commanding you to do the decrees and ordinances, and you shall do them with all of your heart and all of your soul.’ Not like Simcha who can’t even shake a hand with a firm grip... You shake a hand, you have Kavanah. You’re saying ‘Good Shabbis.’ You shake the hand. You shake it with heart and soul. If you shook with Kavanah and Nishama, people would want to be religious... Yes. More soul in your Jewish handshakes. Maybe listen to some Motown before Shabbis, to get you in the mood.
And your Shema has no heart and soul. You need heart and soul when saying Shema!!!

'This day'? I don't know which exact day... I don't think it was Golden Calf day. Maybe it was spies day...
Rashi (citing Tanchuma) teaches that Moshe is telling them that ‘Each day, they should be to you as new. As if you were commanded them that day.’
It’s about now. It’s about doing Mitzvot now... You did a good job in Yeshiva. How bout you keep Shabbat now?!... I know you're proud of Sarah. I understand Sarah did really good in grade school, Kitah Bet, and she knows how to trace a Gimel. She’s thirty-five now...
If you thought you were being commanded now, you'd have more heart... You are being commanded now. But you're not. But you are...

You want to be great. Do the Mitzvot. Do them with heart and soul and some tunes that aren't Carlebach...
(Devarim 26:18-19) ‘H’” said to you this day to be to Him an Am Segulah (a treasure), as He spoke to you, and to guard the Mitzvot...'
I would not call this congregation a treasure... Cause you don't do Mitzvot and you're annoying... I don't know if H' said anything about telling bad jokes and standing close to me while I'm trying to enjoy a potato Kugel at Kiddish...
You have to be to H’ an Am Segulah. A nation that shakes hands. A nation that has heart and soul, TODAY!!!
I don't know what an Am Segulah is. I'm assuming it's not a membership that comes in sixth place in the inter-shul softball league, with an 0 and 8 record. I am assuming an Am Segulah shows up to Minyin...
'This day.' Today. Do something today. Stop thinking and maybe you'll be loved. That's why you're still single, Chaim...

If you said Shema every day with heart and soul, you would maybe be a liked. You would be an Am Segulah. 'To guard the Mitzvot.'
Try. I am saying to try. If you tried, we wouldn't be stuck with messed up Yom Kippur seats again. I saw the chart. It's off... You don't sit anybody next to Bernie. Nobody wants to sit next to Bernie, with the chuching...

You guys have no heart or soul. We will expect you here at 5:30am for Selichot...  Allen. You don't show up for Minyin at 7am.
Mitzvot need heart and soul...

You need a lot of Neshama to make it through a three day holiday. You need belief in Gd... The 3 Day Yom Tov of Rosh Hashana has scared many of our congregants. People are already packing to go. Members are running away...
People are very nervous. We understand. Cooking Tzimis for three days is not an easy task. What do you do without internet for three days????
We've lost six community members who have converted due to this year's three day Rosh Hashana and Sukkot...
Everybody calm down. No need to panic. No need to protest. We, the shul, will keep everybody occupied with Davening. We will be sure to allow the Chazin to Daven for extra praying time to get us through the holiday... I understand. I also hate the Chazin.
Maybe we should be focused on praying about life...

And you have conviction that you are receiving the Torah anew on Rosh Hashana. You have conviction when cooking for the family...
We’ve also heard of parents putting up their children for adoption, so they don’t have to cook for them for three days... Kids won’t want to be Jewish and serve Gd if you cook bad Kugels. If your chicken soup is off, if you leave out the matzah balls and you offer no croutons, we will lose Jewish children over the holiday... Put your heart and soul into it. You're a treasured nation who was chosen to make decent chicken soup with shmaltz... And start cooking today. Mitzvahs take preparation.

Seize the day. That's how you become an Am Segulah... Seize it. Not cease.

And you shake hands with meaning. Strong. Firm. Like you're just meeting Mervin. A Mitzvah shake.
Shake hands right and be an Am Segulah.
We need more heart and soul. We're going to close our eyes the rest of Davening...

We should all be blessed with a life of never having to do another three day Yom Tov.

Rivka's Rundown
Everybody closed their eyes and nobody had any idea what they were saying. No words came out. Our congregants are Davening illiterates. They know nothing. 
One woman thought it was meditation time. She asked the rabbi if it was fine to light a candle on Shabbis.

I believe the rabbi's message was that the Jewish people were chosen to be a treasured nation to make chicken soup with a decent amount of chicken fat and soup nuts.
​
The rabbi’s shaking hand conviction point was well taken by the congregation. People were shaking hands for hours after services. They were hand cupping. They were standing in hand shake Mazel Tov lines. No Simcha, but there was a Mazel Tov row.
The Mazel Tov row is where the family stands outside of services to shake everybody's hands at the end of a Simcha.

The rabbi is truly pushing for better musicians in our shul. The shul band is real bad. To quote the rabbi, 'They have no heart and soul.'
I felt bad for Chaim. The rabbi gave him nothing. Just a 'that's why you're still single.' No way out of it. Just something about 'today' and he is still single today.

Instead of saying Selichot, I figured I would sleep deprive myself to feel closer to H’.

People are truly worried about the three day holidays.
One guy already had a Lokshen Kugel breakdown. At Kiddish, there was Lokshen. He started yelling, ‘No. No more Lokshen. No Rosh Hashana!!! Lokshen!!!’
Due to the rabbi's support of the Chazin leading a long Davening concept, four more families decided to convert for the month of October. They ran form shul. Skipped Kiddish. We haven't seen them since.

In his class, the rabbi suggested to only use plastic. Do not think about the environment when you’re praying for a good and healthy year. When it’s three days, you can't worry about the environment. Especially when you have kids.
Due to the three day holidays, mothers have started telling their kids how much they hate them.

Very true. You only keep kids Jewish with good cooking good Choolent.
This is why the Lefkowitz kids are off the Derech. They're not religious because their mom can’t cook a decent Lokshen.

Shaindy does put on weight during the holidays. She bloats. I appreciate that somebody else noticed. I am sick of being the only one telling her.

Great sermon. I still have no idea what heart and soul means. I think it means potato Kugel and Tzimis. And to not be like Bernie.

(Brachos 54b, Rama 64:1) It's forbidden for a Chasan or Kallah to go outside alone in the marketplace during Sheva Brachos (blessings said during Benching at meals held after a wedding). They can only go out with an escort. Some say it's because of Mazikin (harmful beings) or that they're like a King. They're also worried that after spending time with the in-laws, the newlyweds will try to run away. Nobody says it's because they don't have a date.
According to many commentators the harmful beings are in-laws.
 
A Chupah, the canopy made of cloth, represents the home the newlyweds will be living in. With the way the economy is now... Might be able to get a cotton roof up in Metulah.
 
Chinuch is a Rabbinic Mitzvah to educate the kids on Mitzvahs, to teach kids Torah, and to get dads very frustrated having to learn with the little ones. Never seen dad sitting there happy trying to get their child to look in a Chumash for half an hour. The Mitzvah of teaching children definitely involves yelling, especially when asking them to take out the garbage...
Advice: Start educating the kids with the Mitzvah Kibud Av vEim. First Mitzvah they learn is to honor their parents, they might listen when mom and dad talk. They might even end up helping around the house. Which is the reason you teach kids Mitzvahs.

Sefardim say Selichot for the whole month of Elul. Ashkenazim start saying Selichot around a week before Rosh Hashana. We feel a couple weeks is enough time to connect to H' through prayers we don’t understand… I am still trying to figure out what Titsheini means. That’s usually what I meditate on during Selichot. Titsheini and Ritzazta.
After forty-five minutes of meditating over why I don't understand anything I feel like I've suffered, and that's atonement.

Summer is over, there is no camp, and you’re feeling the pain of having to see your kids. If you don’t want to see them, you could send them to after school activities. Many parents do that. However, that consists of having to get another job. Only thing worse than seeing your kids is having to see your boss.
If you’re stuck being one of those parents that spends time with the kids, you can do Jewish arts and crafts. Last week we spoke of Jewish origami and Haifa papercut art, which is quite harsh on the fingers. The staples used in the Jewish origami technique have truly helped me achieve many new origami shapes.
Now, let us turn our attention to Jewish holiday art. Here are some Jewish arts and crafts projects to help you and your family get through the holidays.

Rosh Hashana Apple and Honey Bowl
This consists of purchasing a very nice bowl. Then you and your kids paint on it. In order for this piece of art to look nice, you want to make sure the bowl you buy is beautiful. It’s similar to the painting the pottery that you didn’t make, where you come out with a mug that looks disgusting.

Sukkah Hanging Decorations
Take a gourd and make a hole in it. Put the string through the gourd. Now you can hang the decoration. A great family arts and crafts project. Pumpkins also work, as they're a subcategory of gourds. I would not suggest using butternut squash. As you artistically put the string through it and hang it, it comes apart.
Hang a honey jar. This keeps the bees away from the table and in the Sukkah. Inferior to fly paper in its artistic effect, you will at least be able to see bees in the honey jar. 
Decorations can also consist of Jewish origami. See last week's article for the choice number one on the chart of Jewish art, the paper chain. The paper chain is also versatile, making it quite beloved. You can origami it for the Sukkah, then use it for the window on Chanukah.
Other decoration are anything your child worked on in class that year. A cut out of any of the seven species works, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Still lifes also work as long as it looks like a pomegranate. You can also hang random fruit, as long as it looks like a pomegranate. Pomegranates fall into the Jewish gourd family. A pop Chumash quiz, also makes for excellent wall hangings.
Macaroni necklaces SheAvar Alav HaPesach are also good decorations.

Pesach Seder Art
It's never too early to prepare for Pesach. Most Jewish mothers start worrying about Pesach in June.
Hagaddah drawings. Instead of purchasing a coloring book, you download a bunch of pictures, drawn by somebody who had no idea what Paroh looked like. This work of family art consists of you coloring in the pictures. The goal is to color within the lines. As witnessed from my nephews and nieces, this is not easy. They seem to not understand the idea of contained shapes. Either that, or they thought the Haggadah pictures were a work of stone-rubbing. Either way, after you're finished, you take the stone rubbed pre-drawn pictures and staple them together, hence making a Haggadah.
A Seder plate.  Buy a picture of a Seder plate and have you child mess it up by drawing on it.  Best part of Seder plate art is you get to throw the paper out.
Ten Plagues art is always fun. Purchase foam balls. You have hail. Purchase smaller balls. You have lice. Color it red. You have boils. Ten Plague art is loads of fun, especially when you through the plagues at family members. Those who don't take it as a curse love it.
Saw a Pesach macaroni necklace. Messed up. Apparently, you don't need to know the laws of Pesach to make Pesach art.

Chanukah Menorah (Chanukiah)
A slab of wood with the nuts on top. That's the art. Take a slab of wood and put nuts on it. The premier form of Jewish art, the nuts hold the candles. Whoever figured that Chanukah candles fit perfectly into nuts is an artistic genius.
People spend thousands on Chanukah Menorahs. No need to honor the holiday like that when you have a slab of wood and crayons.
You still have the paper chain. Hang that on the window. No need to make a new paper chain. The family fights involved in the Jewish origami taping to a window allows for enough artistic family holiday interaction.

Tu BShvat Dried Fruit Art
A dried fruit necklace. I thought of that one myself. Maybe stay away from that. The SO2 might not be very healthy. Next Sukkot, you can hang this next to the Pesach themed macaroni necklace. To decorate your Tu BShvat Seder, be sure to you should still have the paper chain.

Tisha BAv Art
Take whatever you and the kids made, and destroy it. Just keep the paper chains.

Next year we'll discuss Purim art for parents who are too cheap to buy you a decent costume.
I hope these works of art bring more meaning to your holidays and give you more stuff to hang in your Sukkah. And remember, all Jewish art can be hung in the Sukkah. And all Jewish art can be made in Jewish origami form, with staples and tape.
If there's one thing we've learned about fine Jewish art. Never throw out a paper chain.

Announcements
We’ll be hosting Jewish art classes for members who can only write in script Hebrew. We'll teach membership how to look decent with their penmanship. The class on how to dress was a failure.
 
School has begun. Please ask the teachers to teach your kids to Daven. Maybe Adon Olam. At least to be silent and not talk during Davening. Maybe ask the teachers to teach your children to not be annoying. To not be annoying and to learn Hebrew. מעצבנים. That's a word.
 
Mitchel was smiling at the funeral. Though he's the son and it was very offsetting, nobody should worry. He's getting an inheritance.
 
Contemporary Halacha Classes: Writing Hebrew Like a Jew and Not Like Sadie Who Has Very Poor Penmanship. How to Raise a Jewish Child That Knows Adon Olam by Not Sending Them to a Jewish Day School Not in Our Town. Making People Happy at Your Funeral by Giving Them Money.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
You keep the purity of marriage... I know that’s offensive. The Torah is offensive. There are marriage rules. And they are offensive... Just seeing you offends me, Bernie. It's like a really bad marriage.
You need a safe home. A home with a loving husband. A home with a roof that has a fence. A shul without Bernie...
Why you all are walking on roofs all the time is messed up. Good Jewish boys don't walk on roofs. They pay not Jewish boys to walk on roofs... We care if they are safe too. Though they did the Crusades, we still care about them.

(Devarim 22:8) ‘When you build a new house you shall make a fence for your roof. And you shall not place blood in your house if a fallen person falls from it...’ You want blood in your house? It gets all over. It's hard to clean.... If you fall, I would at least think a scab...
Why I have to tell you that safety is important. Your kids run around the halls like crazies. We need to build a new shul with cushions on the walls, for safety. And no plastic toys... The plastic ax had a blood on it. There's blood everywhere in this shul. One of the kids got injured in a game of paper football... Rebecca. It's a table game.

The Rambam (Hilchot Rotzeach 11:1-5) says this applies to swimming pools and tall stairways... No. You cannot go up to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Every seen that stairwell? Three thousand feet and a sharp spiral, and a bunch of New Yorkers. Not safe... You also can't go to youth groups in our shul... The kids are crazy. Blood...

Why vineyards and marriage laws are written here too? Rashi says because one Mitzvah leads to another. And one annoying congregant with an annoying congregant question leads to another annoying congregant with another annoying congregant question... Marriage to house to vineyard. It makes sense... If you don't have a house, were do you build the vineyard??? It's best to drink near the house.

Precaution. Precaution and preparation for safety and Mitzvahs is what we're learning about. Mitzvahs and not splashing people at the pool...
Prepare correctly so you don't look like a fool. Our congregation comes off as not educated... Because you're not. Learn how to write Hebrew like a normal person.
What classy people write in Hebrew cursive?... English cursive is classy. Hebrew cursive is not classy.
If you want to make it look nice, you do not write in Israeli cursive. That’s not how you send an invitation. You write in Biblical font... Nobody showed up to the wedding because the invitation font looked Shvach. They thought there would be really bad food. 'Cursive Hebrew. They're probably serving falafel balls.' Get a Sofer to write the invitation. That's a wedding with lamb chops and pigs in a blanket.
At least dress nicely for the wedding. You look like Shlump right now...

Prepare. There’s a Mitzvah to teach children.
Your kids are in school. Do they teach them anything... I was at your Seder. The little one couldn’t even do the Mah Nishtana right. Pathetic...
At least teach them to shut up. That would be nice. That would help the rest of us Daven...

Prepare for a funeral and don’t just think about the money...
Mitchel. I know you’re getting money out of it. But it looks bad to be happy at your dad’s funeral... There are better business transactions than your dad's death.

And in marriage there are precautions. How you married Thelma is messed up. No precaution. If you would've thought about the dangers of being with Thelma for seventy years... Mazel Tov on your 70th Berns.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi didn't prepare the speech. No precaution. That's why it took so long. One person said it felt like death.
I think the rabbi could’ve made the annoying congregant point much quicker. He could've just said, 'You need a fence around the roof, and the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah are annoying. And they have no idea how to raise kids right. Even their Bar Mitzvahs have messed up invitations.' That would've been a brilliant sermon.

I don't know if the rabbi cared or didn't care about not Jewish boys. The part of the Crusades left things a bit vague.

The Psak, rabbinic decree, on not being allowed to go up to the Statue of Liberty, due to the stairs, was a strong statement by our rabbi. He then went on to say that hiking is forbidden. He is now refusing to let people go camping, claiming that Jews in the wilderness is dangerous.

The font did look pathetic. You’ve got to write in Biblical Hebrew style text to make an invitation look nice. Biblical font is classy. Once you start with Hebrew cursive, you know it’s going to be falafel and chumus for dinner.
And why is it that every Israeli event has falafel? Can’t do a classy pargiot event?! An event with dark chicken fillet?! They eat that in Israel.
They really do dress bad. I think The Chatan was wearing a cardigan.

The rabbi loves pigs in a blanket. To him, that's class.

The kids in the shul are crazy and violent. I saw an Oreo at Kiddish. The kid scratched and clawed at it, just to get to the filling.
The kids don’t even know the word decorum. Forget Hebrew. They definitely don’t know how to say decorum in Hebrew.

One woman was crying at the funeral. It was a cousin. Not very close. She hadn’t seen Hymie in over forty years. She wasn’t getting an inheritance.

I believe Berns was happy for his seventieth. The rabbi wasn't. The rabbi's just thinking about how many more years he'll have to deal with Berns and Thelma.

Law 3: There are three types of creations. Vegans are not one of them.

Three categories of creatures Gd created in His world. There are probably more, but they're not creatures. They're probably basilisks, minotaurs, centaurs and other taurs. Gd didn't create those. If it's in Dungeons and Dragons, that doesn't mean Gd created the creature. There might be a fourth Dungeons and Dragons category, but the Rambam was not privy in 12th century Cordoba. Though he was hip and sported the turban.

First: Those that have matter and form like humans, animals, plants, metals. Bodies. We're talking about bodies here. Even unattractive creatures. Gd creates those too.
They come into existence and cease. All of this physical matter stuff will end. Even if you freeze your body, the ice will melt at some point. Then you're gone. Transmutating into a metal doesn't work. I understand many people have thought about it. It won't work. You may get a couple hundred years out of that. That's about it. 
If you marry somebody not attractive, it won't last forever. I hope that brings you comfort and inspiration.

Second: Those of matter and form that don't change. Like the spheres and stars.
I have no idea what spheres are. Circles. I guess. Stuff made in art class with a compass, they don't change. Unless if you have a shaky hand. If you place that sharp pointer thing in the correct place and hold it down strong, it doesn't change. Those circles and stars don't change.
The first category is different as it ceases and changes. Wrinkles. The Rambam is teaching us about wrinkles. Wrinkles and dry skin are the difference. The second category doesn't have to use lotion with aloe.

Third: Those with no matter at all. They just have form. We're talking about angels. Shapes with no matter. But they do matter. They matter with no matter. Angels can get down on themselves. That's why you should always tell them they matter.
Their forms differ. And they weigh nothing. One guy is a human and the other an octagon. We don't judge angels.
They take up no space. Probably always thin. Never have to diet. They never talk about how fat they get over a Three Day Rosh Hashana. They never complain about getting bloated from Challah. They never have to wait in lines. They never get caught sneaking into movies. They probably just sneak onto buses and take seats. You see a guy sitting in the aisle seat with an empty spot by the window, it's probably one of these guys sitting there.
Some of them might be minotaurs. Weightless minotaurs. I can't promise. I'm just conjecturing.

Everything has form. And we're going to die. That's the point the Rambam is teaching us in this Halacha. We're going to die. I hope that helps you understand angels.

As the holidays are coming and Sukkot is around the corner, it's time let out your Jewish artistic soul. You must decorate the Sukkah, and that means Jewish origami. Jewish origami is similar to Japanese origami. Just that we use staples.
A subsection of Jewish art, nothing is more fun than the family sitting around with paper plates, cardboard and colored paper, doing Jewish origami projects with staples and scissors.

The Paper Chain Sukkah Project
Tons of fun. You take a piece of paper, cut it into strips, make each strip a circle and staple it. Stapling is the most important part of the Jewish origami project. Do not skip stapling. Then take the next strip, slip it through the first circle and staple it, thus making another circle. Don't staple before strip is slipped through the circle. This is not linking chains. This isn't Jewish magic. It's Jewish art. The art comes out in how your child staples the strips. Sometimes kids make the strips very thick. If the child successfully staples thick strips, you know they have a future as an artist in Tzfat.

Paper plate Hamentashen
A great way to spend five minutes with the kids. Take a paper plate. Fold the corners, thus making a triangle with a pocket. Similar to the Hamentash pastry, yet you don't fill up the inside with jam. How does it stay together? Staples. Something the Japanese still haven't figured out. At school, they're still ripping the corners of papers to hold them together.
Stuff the Mishloach Manot candies and little bits of cake into the pocket. If you have an extra five minutes to spend with the kids, pull out some markers and let the kids draw on their hands. Any art with markers will end up on the child's hand.
Plastic plate don't work. We've tried this in Israel, and the folded plastic plate just rips.
Please note, the paper plate Hamentashen is not edible. Though it's a Hamentashen, it's not a pastry.

Draw a Dreidel
This is Chanukah origami. As long as it involves paper, it's Jewish origami. We suggest that for fine Jewish origami you use markers.

Jewish Papercut Art
A subsection of Jewish origami, where we also incorporate scissors. For papercuts you use paper, hence Jewish origami. In this form of Jewish origami you cut a design. Any design is Jewish if a Jew cuts it. The same way an animal is Kosher if a Jew Shechts it. You then write something in Hebrew on the remaining paper, again making it Jewish origami.
For many years Jewish papercuts was banned in Eastern Europe due to the injuries. People would take Siddurs, flip the pages and cut themselves. The papercuts burned and many people ended up in hospitals due to Jewish papercuts.
Years later they decided to cut into the paper and make designs. This became a big art form in Haifa, known as Haifa Jewish origami.

Maybe one day the Japanese will figure out how to use staples and save some time.
When purchasing Jewish origami you should know there are scammers out there. To this day, I don’t purchase Jewish papercuts, unless if there's blood on it. Then I know it’s truly a papercut.