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Lag BOmer has many beautiful traditions. One that has been adopted by many communities is the Upsherin. Based on the tradition of Isaac Luria, the Sephardic community calls it a Chalakeh. Which cannot be pronounced in English.
In much Chassidic tradition, the first haircut of a child is done once he reaches three. Many save the date of the haircut for Lag BOmer, so that the child will hate this day forever. Upsherin, meaning 'to shear off,' is the term for this tradition as we view young boys as livestock. The tradition is to make the three-year-old child cry in front of all the onlookers. This is effectively done by having the whole community stand there while the young boy sees scissors, or two huge sharp knives, coming at his face for the first time. This first time experience of sharp pointy metal going for the skull of the child ensures that the child will shed tears and not complain about his long hair for the next three years. The day of Lag BOmer is one of Simcha, and nothing brings more joy to the Jewish people than seeing a young boy cry. The community sees it as very cute. Some irresponsible communities have individual members of the community each cutting a lock of hair. Seeing more individuals with scissors teaches the child to be scared of community members. This will help him if he ever becomes a rabbi. This is where the tradition of shaving the head that many Chassidic communities have comes from. Firstly, these non-barbers have no idea what the size of a lock is. It's very complicated to figure out a lock. It's a feeling. After many cases of messed up hairdos and random locks sticking out of children who just got dressed in a suit for the first time, the rebbes came up with a tradition to get rid of all the hair. Shloimy would take one lock, Yankel another, Feivel another. Next thing you know you have a kid walking around looking like a clown. Thus, most Chassidim now shave the hair and leave Payis. It made this whole tradition much easier to explain to the wives who were shocked when their husbands brought their beautiful children home looking like homeless drug addicts with a butchered head. One child who had no idea why there were so many people taking locks off his head offered some of the Kehillah members a rabbit's foot. Along with the Upsherin the boy begins his education. Letters of the Torah are covered in honey and the boy reads the letters while licking the honey off them. The rabbis figured that if the child can pull this feat, learning without being forced to eat the page will be easy task, setting the child up for success. This is why many religious Israelis have a lisp. It's very hard to pronounce letters while licking them. While this is done, some kids sing 'Torah Tziva Lanu Moshe...' 'The Torah that Moshe commanded to us, a heritage of the Kehilah of Yaakov' (Devarim 33:4). This helps take the kids mind off the fact that he is being attacked and allows him to question where the Mitzvah comes from to ruin a child's hair. Some donate the hair for wigs, as long as it was not used for idol worship. Others weigh the hair and give charity in the amount that it is weighed. At the Upsherin I was at, they weighed the hair in kilos and gave that many Agurot. One fool suggested they weigh in ounces and give shekels. That fool was ostracized. The charity for hair tradition that some began has also led to people leaving longer Payis. Skver, Chernobul and Gur perform the Upsherin at two years of age. The tradition of two comes from when Yitzchak was weaned. They found a way to give less money to Tzedakah. That extra year of non-grown hair saves the people money. Some Sephardic do the Chalakeh at age five. They don't know about the tradition to give charity. Many go to Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's Kever in Meron for the Upsherin and Chalakeh on Lag BOmer to get the free haircut. Now, many also practice this at Rabbi Akiva's Kever in Tiberias or Shimon HaTzadik's grave in Yerushalayim. After many years of traveling to Meron, they realized that they were losing money on the gas. It killed the whole free haircut idea. Many connect the tradition to Orlah. For the first three years one may not eat of a new tree. They compare the kid to a tree that bears fruit. Now the child is ready to give, to practice Mitzvot. At least they can start picking up their Lego. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 1:125/20/2024
Law 12: It's Just a Visual - Not a Lie
Since H' is not affected by the physical world. All of the stuff in the Torah and Navi is just metaphor and image. Did the Rambam just say the Torah is lying?! No. The Rambam is saying we're idiots and we can't understand anything other than baseball, how to match two shades of blue that don't clash, and anything about a car other than how it works. H' doesn't laugh. H' doesn't cackle. There is no snort coming out when you make a joke. H' is not amused. H' is. He is just is. He is not amused by the joke about the guy eating non-kosher because of how apples are served. Especially because He heard well over three million times. If you're offended that I am calling H' a He and not a She, H' doesn't care. (Shemot 3:14) 'I am who I am.' H' wants to be known to us as this. Otherwise, we'll start asking Him questions, wanting to hang out. And that won't make H' happy. Why? Because H' just is and it can get annoying hanging out with you at the bar and watching you get Shikur. He figures that if we are confused we won't be as annoying, and we'll aske less questions. 'I am who I am.' That's skirting a question if I have ever seen it. I would never be able to get away with this. People ask me what I'm working in now. 'I am me.' 'No. Rabbi David is unemployed.' (Malachi 3:6) 'I, Gd, have not changed.' That says it all. He doesn't get happy or mad. H' is always H'. I feel like I am sinning defining H' by saying He is not definable. I wish they would've taught me this stuff in elementary school. I would've cared less about not knowing stuff. Come to think of it, my lack of listening in class had me understanding H' a lot better than those fools getting straight 'A's. 'I have not changed.' The last time I heard that was when that girl broke up with me. I believe she was blaming me for that breakup. This physical stuff and emotion affect people. It is for the dark and low beings. H' is above all this. He is exalted. H’ just gets bothered by you. If you felt good, just know you're a dark and lowly creature. A creature who is affected by pettiness and bathroom humor. What am I supposed to do? How do I relate to H'? We are not here for answers. We are here to confuse you. Now that we can relate to H' through metaphor it's good to know that He is not affected by what you do or think - and that is a metaphor. That should help with your prayers this morning. I am beginning to think that saying 'metaphor' is like saying 'psyche.' So did the Torah say it or did the Torah not say that H' has an outstretched arm?! Then how did H' take us out of Egypt? That wasn't a metaphor. The Rambam better deal with this in the next chapter or I will metaphorically stop learning. I am sure the Raavad has something to say about this. Now that we have finished the chapter teaching us that everything we thought about Gd is not true. And that all of our connection with H' is based on a physical world that H' is not affected by. Have a great Shabbis. And be on time to shul. You should use it as a time to connect with H'. And remember H' rested on the seventh day. Oh shoot. That's a metaphor. Now I'm confused. And I wasted twelve years in school learning about how I can make H' happy by doing Mitzvahs and how I usually make H' mad. Now that it is clear that we cannot define H', we will move onto chapter two and define H' and our relationship to Him more. Lesson: We're meant to follow in H's ways. How do you become exalted? Be very much not you. And practice Mitzvot. That's how you end a good Dvar Torah - Learn Torah and do Mitzvahs. If you do that, H' will probably not care. He definitely won't get all emotional about it. I know the Rambam is going to say something about Mitzvahs being the way to make this physical world exalted and godly. He's got to. I really hope the Rambam doesn't stop here. Oh shoot. I am worried he stops here. There is no cliffhanger. The physical stuff is petty. It's fleeting. That's my take. I'm finished for now. I'm going to go work out. Hit the weights. Try to get in shape. And I am still trying to figure out how H' took us out of Mitzrayim with an outstretched arm. Could one arm have freed a whole people from slavery? Just one arm?! I will think of that while doing some squats to connect to H'. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Emor5/19/2024
Announcements
We forgot Mother’s Day last week. They are the most important people in our lives. We just forget them. Yom HaZikaron. We are announcing it now. No more complaints. Now you know for next year. We want to apologize for Michel and how bad he is at reading the Torah. He will read again this Shabbis. If you don't want to come to shul, we understand. Kiddish will be at 11:30am for those who still want to come to shul and avoid the pain of hearing Michel. We understand it's not Yom Kippur and there is no reason to cause yourself the pain of hearing Michel Layn. Shmuel has already messed up the Omer count. He has had it messed up since the third day. He missed it due to lack of thought. He is also a very bad Gabai. Marriage class on how to get out of marriage without losing all of your money will take place this Tuesday. Wednesday is the Pinkovitz wedding. We want to wish the Pinkovitz family a Mazel Tov. We also pray Yossi Pinkovitz doesn't get caught up in debt because of this one. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Know How to Read the Torah Before You Get Up to Layn, So That People Don’t Want to Shoot You. How to Not Forget the Omer Count Like Our Gabai. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 22:32) ‘And you shall not desecrate My Holy Name, and I should be sanctified among the children of Israel. I am H’ who sanctifies you.’ H’ has done all He can to sanctify this congregation... There’s only so much that can be done. When you have congregants like the back left... Why? Because He took you out of Egypt, Bernie. I believe that's a reason. I think that's a pretty decent reason to sanctify. A little sanctification is called for. (Vayikra 22:33) You sanctify Gd ‘who took you out of Egypt, to be a Gd to you.’ Does that not make sense? You sanctify the Holy Name that freed you from slavery... He did what He could there. He tried to help you get out of your first marriage. We had eight rabbis show, ready to sign the Get (document of divorce), and then she said she wanted four million dollars, and you stuck with the marriage... The least you can do is send your kids to Jewish day school, so H’s name can be sanctified amongst your children... Being decent athletes with cool friends is not sanctification. It’s sacrilege. Look at the Moskovitz boys. Very out of shape. Good Jews. Sanctifying. Let's talk about desecration and Bernie, and the back left over there. Well let’s see how you desecrate. You mess up the Layning. Michel should never read from the Torah... With the way you read, they should’ve thrown the candies harder at your Bar Mitzvah. If they would’ve nailed you, you would’ve learned a lesson... Frank hasn’t mowed his lawn since April. Desecration... They know you're religious Frank... Because you don't mow your lawn. That's how they know. The longer the grass, the more religious they know you are... Just mow it so the property value doesn't go down. And pay your dues... We don’t desecrate H’s name when you use our ability to sanctify... In your case, it’s to just stop sinning. Start there. Just don't sin. How do we bring glory to H’? You don’t mess things up. You keep the Mitzvot. You see what the shul board does and you don't do that. The Pasuk of ‘don’t desecrate’ is flanked by keeping Mitzvot. How about keep Mitzvot and stop sinning, and give the rabbi a raise... And can somebody please take their child away from the Bima right now. Why is this kid up here?!... Finally nothing this week. But we have a Bat Mitzvah. Oh shoot. Thought I had off. Our dear Bat Mitzvah. Keep Mitzvot and sanctify H'. Yom HaZikaron and Mother’s Day were last week. Thought you should know... You can remember now. Respect your mother. Sanctification of your parents... We are not talking about sacrificing parents. Bernie. That's honoring your parents. You sanctify them. You honor them. You don't do stupid stuff like not mowing your lawn, having people thinking you were raised wrong, killing the neighborhood... Does anybody get a calendar anymore?! Has the Jewish people stopped giving to non-profits that much that they're not getting calendars anymore?! You messed up the Omer already. Another desecration... Then give $180 to Chabad and get a calendar... Jewish calendars are very expensive. Shmuel missed the Omer count from the third day... Fourth day. Same thing. If anybody else in this shul is not a good Jew, I will be saying the blessing for the Omer every night, so you can be Yotzei (fulfill the Mitzvah)... How can you be a good Gabai if you can't count the Omer? You can't just get up and say, 'Do the Omer tonight.' You forget everything. Shmuel. You forgot your daughter’s birthday. It was her third birthday... You miss everything. You missed your Aliyah... Shmuel. You are the only Shmuel in the shul. They yelled your name. It was you. You're the Gabai. You yelled your name, Shmuel Ben Simcha... I understand nobody calls you that at work... I also wanted to run out once Michel started reading the Torah. His Layning is painful... Of course he missed the Yom HaShoa program. They hid the location from us for security reasons. He also didn’t know where it was.... Yom HaZikaron was the board’s fault. If H' takes me out of here, I will be able to sanctify His Name. Mazel Tov to Yossi Pinkovitz on your his fourth wedding. I am not buying him gifts this time. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi definitely writes the announcements. It appears to be a way for him to share his anger at Bernie, Frank, Michel and the Gabai. The rabbi blames the shul board for everything. I think he just blamed them for Yom Hashoa Yom HaZikaron. I don’t know if Bernie felt like he has been taken out of Egypt. He was born in Illinois. The being decent athletes being sacrilege was a very empowering lesson for our congregation. The members felt empowered. It was something they all felt they can do. With the out of shapeness of our membership, they now all feel they can serve H’ and sanctify His Name. Weddings are an important time in one's life. I think the class on getting out of marriage will be very helpful to the Baalei Simcha who are getting married this week. The Bat Mitzvah will be able to glean from the class too. I wish a rabbi warned me at that age. Many people thanked the rabbi for the class in fiscal responsibility. They said it was the greatest lesson in running a home. The more religious one is the less their lawn is mowed. That is how you tell a religious person in the neighborhood. I think it's considered Bitul Torah (wasting time from learning Torah) to mow your lawn. Frank is the rabbi's neighbor. The rabbi brings up the non-mowed lawn at least once a year. The rabbi tried moving last year but he couldn't. The property wouldn't sell because of Frank's grass. And then Frank put a jungle gym on his front lawn. That's the next level of the bungalowing of the neighborhood. Chairs on the front lawn is one thing. But a jungle gym, that's a Chutzpah. I thought Frank had no backyard. He has a huge backyard, he's just planning to build on it. He said religious people extend their homes back. According to Frank, anything people do in Brooklyn is religious. Yom HaZikaron. The Day of Remembrance. Remembering the soldiers who fought for our people. It's good that we'll be able to show the support next year. It is such an important day, especially this year with everything going on, and nobody even knows about it. Some people just thought they didn't know where it is, as a Jewish program in these times should be not findable. The office got a lot of calls about Yom HaZikaron. Nobody ever remembers what day it is. The issue is the calendars. Once Jews stop supporting Jewish organizations nobody will have a calendar. Then what. Apparently Mothers are not the most important people in the board’s life Though he talked of Kibud Av vEim, honoring your father and mother, the rabbi also forgot Mother's Day. He suggested people call their moms and tell them they forgot they had mothers that day, to show their mothers they love them. When asked what to do if their dad answers the phone, the rabbi said to tell them, ‘Just put mom on. I want to speak to mom.’ As the rabbi explained, 'You don't honor your fathers on Mother's Day. You don't want to diminish the importance of the day. It's a mother focused Kibud Av vEim day.' The rabbi just went off on Shmuel. He missed the Omer the third day. I missed the count on day two, when there was no Seder and nobody to remind me there is another Mitzvah I have to keep. People missed the Omer counting class. They also forgot the class. The how to read the Torah class was well received by the rabbi himself, who can't stand hearing Michel Layn. Yossi Pinkovitz gets married a lot. Fourth wedding. Each time the Kiddishes get smaller. He can't expect gifts with those Kiddishes. Beautiful message to Bat Mitzvah, 'Our dear Bat Mitzvah. Keep Mitzvot and sanctify H".' Our rabbi always makes the point clear and succinct. And then he goes off on Bernie. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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He took a breath and they were happy with their sacrifice. A carbon dioxide. (Mordechai)
You get it? A Karban is a sacrifice. They were bringing sacrifices to Gd. A carban dioxide with be a sacrifice of air. The Karban Dioxide joke is always a giver. Works for the of whole Sefer Vayikra. Always funny. He had a new garment made out of pottery. A new style called earthenware. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Earthenware is pottery. We talk about destroying pottery touched by holy stuff for kosher reasons in the Torah, which makes this a Jewish pun. Earthenware sounds like a clothing line. The Seder went very fast. They thought you‘re supposed to passover it. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Passover. Pass over. Passover is the holiday. You don‘t speed through the Seder to pass over it. There is always room for more Passover puns. And there is always room for more time to spend talking about leaving Egypt. On Pesach we lean to the left because we want you to have a liberal portion of Matzah and wine. (Mordechai) You get it? Leaning to the left. Left-wing political views. They start with eating Matzah. Chuck Schumer, George Soros and Antony Blinken opened a new chain called Traitor Jews. (D. Rubin) You get it? Sounds like Trader Joe‘s. This is Traitor. That sounds the same as Trader. You have to say it. Try saying it. This pun is not for left-wing people. Or Jews who lean to the left when eating Matzah. We hiked down the beach in Netanya. It was a beautiful teal. (Rabbi Mendal) You get it? A Tiyul is a trip or a hike. Teal is the color of the sea. The color or the activity?! If you understand Hebrew and English, this works out brilliantly. Bilingual puns are just funnier. The conservative movement began at a time the reform convention served non-kosher seafood. Many say that was not good for the religion and it was shellfish. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Those starting the new movement contended by serving such blatantly non-kosher food, they were being shellfish. Selfish. They sound the same. (I want to thank Jon for his brilliant ability to put two words together like that.) The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Great Jewish Mother5/12/2024
Mother's Day is a beautiful day to celebrate our Jewish matriarchs. Let us praise these Eishet Chayils with talking a bit about the Jewish mother we all love.
Jewish mom makes your favorite dish. Every Jewish Mom has a special dish that nobody else has ever had. It's called Tzimis. Whatever is in that thing, you love it and one day you will find out that nobody else knows what it is. Every Jewish mother makes the best food. How every Jewish mother is the best cook is an anomaly. Even if other people hate the spinach gravy apple tart rolls with date juice, your mom makes it. And that's the family's dish. Special to your family, because nobody else would ever think about making that concoction. Jewish mom scoops your food for you. She feeds you into your forties. A good Jewish mom doesn't take the chance at you deciding what you want to eat. If you decide what your portions should be, you might eat less. That's not acceptable. You might even say no to spinach gravy apple tart rolls. You’re a growing forty-year-old who needs nutrients. You’re her shnukums. And your wife is getting very annoyed. Jewish mom is honest about you putting on weight. And you are always putting on weight. She will scoop your food, ensure your plate is full and then tell you that you have to watch yourself. She'll tell you you're fat, while forcing more food on you. And then she’ll be offended if you don’t eat it. Jewish mom knows you're the best, because you're her child. And that's all that matters till you meet the other kids in the class. Being the best doesn't help when you lose at everything. Getting whacked by a rubber dodgeball does not reinforce this feeling of being the best. The fact that she thinks you're the best, even when you're not still makes you feel good. Because you're her shnukums. Asthma may hurt your chance at making the pros. However, Mom knows you're still the best athlete. And she will acknowledge that by hugging you and making you fatter. Jewish mom will make you self-conscious, because she loves you. From the first day she yelled 'watch out,' you will always be aware that stairs can be dangerous when walking up them. Thanks to your Jewish mother, you will always be aware of danger. You will watch out for sun because it's bright. You will watch out for chicken because it has bones. And you will drive your Honda with a twitch to something in your head going, 'Shnukums. Watch out. There are cars. Cars are dangerous.' Jewish mom buys you stuff to make sure you wear it, and to get offended when you don't. 'It's June' is not an excuse to not being wearing the sweater mom bought you for Chanukah. Jewish mom dresses modestly. And then she tells you the clothes she bought you are hip. Saying something is hip, by definition means it's not. It means it might look good on somebody who is over eighty-five. Jewish mom expects you to call, and calls you to let you know she's expecting the call. She tells you this to let you know you're going to let her down somehow. If it's not for the sweater with a dreidel on it, or the fact that you eat way too little to be a three-hundred-pound athlete who is the best at dodgeball, your not calling enough will let her down. 'Enough' is the amount you will never call. Jewish mom wants you to get married and will make you feel bad about it. She still can't figure out why other women find it hard to be attracted to her shnukums. And she calls you her shnukums. I believe ‘shnukums’ is Yiddish. She cares. Which means you're going to be contacted by a friend of mom's who turned into a matchmaker once your mom shared how pathetic you are. She told he friend that she can't figure out why no girl wants to be with the best son, her shnukums. And her friend understood you're a loser. Jewish mom will tell you you're a man. She will pinch your cheeks and tell you you're a man. Because you're her shnukums. With all this belief in you as a man, with all the love, she will never trust you with a wrench. You’re the best, but you do not have abilities as a man to use a tool. You come from your father, who has been beaten down. She says Tehillim all the time. She constantly prays, especially for her children, so that they will someday not let her down. She prays her children might pick up a phone and call. She prays her son will take off weight and eat more. And it is all because she loves you. You're hers. And you are the best shnukums. No matter how old you are, when you're with your Jewish mother you feel a warmth. You feel at home. You feel like the greatest athlete in the world, and the smartest kid who ever had a 'C' average in elementary school. And that was the teachers' fault. All of them. You’re the best and you’re her favorite child. You and your eight siblings are her favorite child. We need a Jewish Mother's Day, a special day for our special moms, to give the Jewish mom another chance to call and let you know she's expecting a call, so you can surprise her and let her down. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We ask you give up the Chazin spot when you are finished with your part of the services. We don’t want to have to bring in the Gabai enforces to remove Ralph from the Bima (the place the Chazin leads services from, for those congregants who show up at 10:50am). The Yom HaAtzmaut Parade will be announced the day of. For safety, we don’t want anybody knowing where it will be.. We are renovating the shul. Everything from the past must go. This includes members. We ask you watch your kids in the halls. Though your children are jumping, running and smacking each other, we have not made the halls safety proof yet. We also ask that you don’t allow your children to go up to the rabbi and hit him. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Make an Event Nobody Will Be Able to Find. How a Board Does Renovations to Destroy Tradition. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 19:23-25) ‘When you shall come to the land and you shall plant any fruit tree, you shall treat its fruit as Orlah.’ Orlah means it's closed off from enjoying it. It is forbidden. Forbidden to eat it. Like taking cookies before we make Kiddish... At Kiddish, we make Kiddish and your kids are crazy. Do something. Be a parent and let them know they can't take of the Kiddish before we make Kiddish... Even if it's a cookie. Yes. It's forbidden from enjoyment until we show appreciation to H' first... ‘Arel Sifataim’ means can’t talk. Moshe couldn’t talk to Gd... You don’t circumcise mouths. Yet. It would be good if you didn't talk. Maybe if you just stopped talking, the congregation would be happy, Bernie.... It would appear to be a commandment to plant trees in Israel too. This is not in support of JNF. They have taken so much money from our children... Your tulips don't count. And they die... 'Shall' is a Torah word. And I shall continue with the lesson of not taking Kiddish before Kiddish... There are things you can't do. There are many commandments in the Parsha. (19:26-32) 'Don’t round the edge of your scalp’... It looks bad. And don’t destroy the edges of your beard... When you cut it you destroy it... Then go to a barber. You have no cutting depth perception. Have a normal beard for crying out loud. I don’t even know if the men here are Jewish with these short things... Good Jews have long beards and Payis. And no tattoos. I can say that most of our congregation is going to Gehenim... Your tattoos are messed up. They are the weakest tattoos I have ever seen... It's not a bike. You're not riding your motorcycle in a gang. It's a bicycle. Bicycle riders don't need tattoos... It's about being holy. Kadosh. Don’t mess up the Sanctuary. The Kadosh... Look at this shul. Baby carriages everywhere. Stand for your elders and honor their presence, ‘and fear Gd.' You can’t fear Gd if you don’t honor your elders and you look like an idiot with short hair, a beard you cut like a fool and a tattoo that says 'I like tulips.' Practice the commandments. This is how you are Holy. (19:2) As H’ tells Moshe to tell the people. ‘Be holy, for I am holy.’ Be Kadosh. How can we be Kadosh... How about following the Mitzvot. I have to constantly tell you this. It's getting annoying already. Every week... H’ gives us stuff, we have to treat it well. Our elders... We have to keep our traditions. Our artifacts. We have to not have these kids taking those rolled up hard cookies with raspberry from the elders... The older people love those hard raspberry things. They're like Kichel. Let us remember our Kedoshim. Those who sacrificed their lives for us. Our holy brethren who put aside enjoyment for holy... There are certain things in life you do. And some you don't. You leave it for a while. Let us not get rid of an Aron. An ark that houses the Torahs... Why can’t we keep the Aron... Let’s go through things that don’t need renovation. Because you’re crazy and you have to change everything... We’re about tradition. This is not a community center. It's a shul. The ark is something you don't touch for more than four years... Your renovations disrespect our tradition, because you're doing them, and you do dumb stuff... Your kid's Bat Mitzvah with the unicorn theme... You brought a horse into the shul with a birthday hat on it... I am still trying to figure out how a paper hat is a horn. Why not renovate not having kids running around during the sermon. Let's start there... You're destroying the shul like you destroyed your beards. Did I just see a seven year old run through the shul... She was yelling, ‘Weee.’ I’m giving a sermon, Leah.... I don’t know what ‘weee’ means. I do not that it's your child. You don't parent. And that is why your children will end up cutting their beards and with tattoos of some religion out in Eastern China. Stop them for crying out... When they're not stopped, we end up with people like Ralph leading Shacharit. We are Kadosh when don't do stupid things, and limit our use to thank H'. We have to limit Ralph's leading services, because nobody likes his voice... He was waiting to lead Shacharit, Ralph. You didn’t let him in... You stood there and kept going. You knew he was there. Share the Amud (the Bima where services are led from). There is a reason for Gabais... You're not the Gabai. You just call up yourself... Taking initiative for yourself to do something that nobody else wants you to do is not Kadosh. Cutting off use to be dedicated to H' is Kadosh. You not leading Davening is Kadosh for everyone... Everyone except you... Moishie is not Arel Sifataim. He sings much better than you. And these dumb decisions leads us to a lack of pride in who we are... Of course I want to be at the parade of Israel pride for Yom HaAtzmaut. I just don’t know where it will be... How do you show up to a parade if you don’t know where it is. How do you show up to ‘I don’t know where.' Did the shul board put together the parade?... The point is the shul board should not be involved in anything. They make bad decisions and mess things up... Maybe focus on ensuring the rabbi gets one of the lemon cookies next Kiddish. I have no appreciation for the board. Rivka's Rundown I think the rabbi lashed out at the whole congregation in the middle of his sermon when he told everybody to keep the Mitzvot. He went off for twelve minutes on how annoying it is to have to tell people to keep commandments. He was truly mad about not getting a lemon cookie. Then seeing a whole pile of them on one kid's plate. The rabbi said that was not Orlahesque of that child. To quote the rabbi when his wife said he shouldn't take it: 'That is an uncircumcised lemon cookie sitting right on that plate.' And neither the announcements or the rabbi mentioned the Yom HaZikaron memorial program. Maybe it was for the security of the program, that nobody should know it is happening. I don't think the congregants would've cared to go anyways. There was no Kiddish there. And with the new security protocol of not telling anybody, the attendance at the programs was extremely low. It turned out to be very safe with eight people. The organizers are still not very happy that people didn't show. They said it was a lack of communal support to not be present at the events when they are trying so hard to make them safe and not telling anybody where they are. I think the not cutting stuff and not messing with your bodies is a good commandment. We have the most messed up looking congregation. They truthfully look like a bunch of hippies with short hair and no beards, in suits. No cause for peace. Just lazy people who made bad decisions when drunk. They honestly look well kempt. They look like people with good jobs. They look like bad Jews. I agree. They're going to Gehenim. Just having to sit next to them, I feel a bit of Geheniim. I feel myself getting warmer, like a fire is hitting me. They are truly throwing out everything. I believe that is what they mean by 'renovation.' To just get rid of anything in the shul that's meaningful. If they had the money, they would destroy the facade of the shul, as well as the Kiddish cup. I love that Kiddish cup. It's huge and four generations have drank grape juice out of it. Never cleaned it. They would knock down the whole shul for the sake of knocking it down. And they would call it renovations. Why? Because they’re the board and they have money and they want to make decisions. I think that's the reason. The kids are crazy and the parents blame the shul. They sued the shul for not having safe enough halls. They suggested the shul should have inflatable cushions everywhere. They want to turn the shul into a bounce house. The kids were running through the shul. I think it was freezetag. One yelled, ‘You missed me,’ right as the rabbi was letting the congregation know they were going to Gehenim. So, I think it was freezetag. It's now normal for kids to be running through the shul and hitting the rabbi, saying 'got you' during his sermon. I think the only way to deal with this kid issue is to have the grandparents smack their parents. It’s bad. Ralph just takes the Chazin spot and goes. The Gabai has never asked him. He just jumps up there. Everybody is too scared to say anything. Have you ever told somebody who is clearly doing something wrong, they're wrong. It’s awkward. What are you supposed to say as the guy the Gabai asked to lead? ‘The Gabai asked me to lead'? ‘Nobody wants to hear you anymore.’ ‘Do you not realize you have stolen this spot from everybody else.’ Last time they had to physically bounce Ralph. For safety now, they have events and nobody knows where they are. This way, they are safe. The rabbi asked them to add to the announcements that members must also be removed from the shul. As part of renovations, he said that not having the membership will make the shul look much better. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXXIII5/11/2024
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David cleans his home in Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about people sharing meaningful thoughts at the Seder and Mitzvahs like praying with Kavanah.
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That Seder started in the 1970s. That's how long a Seder can take when everybody shares their thoughts about the four sons. (Photo: Ted Spiegel - Ted’s probably getting Karet for this picture, unless if they started the Seder a day early to fulfill the family's hankering for Matazh)... I do believe that the stuff in that kid's hair is not Kosher for Pesach.
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Yom HaAtzmaut, Israeli Independence Day is upon us it’s time to talk about what makes Israel special. I love the Holy Land. It's amazing and holy. Here's a little ode to my love of the amazing religious Israel. A religious people in a religious land, with people who also live in Tel Aviv. Here is my prayer of ode. Oh. How I love thee.
Mitzvot permeate all, making everything beautiful. Even the Mitzvah of settling the land is done daily. People doing renovations in the apartment above me, I heard, 'Motik (sweetie). We are settling the land.' And I did hear them settling the land while I was trying to sleep. When the wife mentioned that their neighbor might be sleeping at 5:30am, her husband responded, 'Mikakel is getting Zechut for joining in the Mitzvah of us redecorating.' I missed Shacharit that morning. Yet, I felt connected to the land and my neighbor's investment in their apartment. Oh. How I love thee. My dear neighbors who leave their garbage outside my front door. As thou ist religious and must keepeth your home's entrance clean and holy. Voting is a religious duty in the Homeland. As the Shas party said, 'It’s a Mitzvah to vote.' I voted for Blue and White. I hope it's a Mitzvah to vote for Blue and White too. Maybe the Blue and White party have a rabbi that can get me into heaven as well. Oh. How I love thee. And I thank thee for allowing me to fulfill the Mitzvah of voting for my government many times every year. Oh. How I thank thee for fulfilling the Hechsher Mitzvah of disbanding the Israeli government. The sports fans in the Holy Land are religious. The fans sing 'Mashiach Mashiach Mashiach' when their team is winning, because they know what redemption looks like, and that is Beitar winning a football match. Oh. How I love thee. And I love to jumpith while I sing. Oh. How I pray Mashiach comes during halftime. Our Messiah will understand that it's rude to disrupteth the flow of the game. Everything is a holiday in Israel. You have Yom HaAtzmaut, Yom Yerushalayim, Yom Revi’i. Translated, this is Independence Day, Jerusalem Day, Wednesday. Anything to not work. Most of the country takes off on Wednesdays. At least the workers at the post office aren't there when I need them. Oh. How I love thee. And I love to celebrate even if I must guess when thou ist open for me to pick up my package. Faith in H' abounds. The way people cross the streets, there is so much belief in Gd. I cross at crosswalks and look both ways. People put their head down and cross. No looking, middle of the road. Emunah is manifested. And the way people drive, the faith. Switching lanes with no blinker. Emunah. I grew up in America and I am still working on my faith. Someday I hope to have enough Emunah to not look when crossing a road. Oh. How I love thee. Driving and walking with thee hast helped me witness the presence of H' in our daily life. The Bible is everywhere, even at the zoo. The Biblical Zoo in Jerusalem. Unique in all its biblical ways, with all the biblical animals like penguins. Oh. How I love thee. I love all the biblical animals thou exhibiteth in the Holy Land that one may not witness anywhere else in the Middle East, such as kangaroos. People quote Psukim. Torah is everywhere. When the mechanic overcharged me, he said, 'What is 400 shekels of silver between friends.' I thought that was a lot. I was fine with 400 hundred shekels. But the silver part brought up that bill. Yet, he quoted that Pasuk with a smile, and like Efron he took my money. And when he took my money, he smiled. I brought him so much Simcha. So much happiness. Oh. How I love thee. You bringeth a smile unto my lips when thou taketh my money. Nowhere else in the world do I feel good getting ripped offeth. You hear people saying stuff like 'HaKol Bidei Shamaim' (everything is in the hands of Gd). People who don't believe that work. They have jobs. Not us. We believe. And even the non-religious still take off Wednesdays. The non-religious still celebrate the holidays. Oh. How I love thee. And there is prayer. Tefillah is everywhere. The Land of King David's psalms. You hear people reciting Tehillim regularly. Especially when trying to cross the street. Focused on the prayer, meditating on the holy words of Tehillim. while walking. Oh. To thee. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We ask the new Kaddish guy to not be slower than the shul already goes. It’s painful for everybody already. Yearly shul postPesach diet begins this week. The diet consists of not eating Matzah. To find out more about the Don’t Eat Matzah Diet, you can call the shul office. To end Pesach the Seudat Mashiach was a great success. People put on five more pounds. Mashiach didn’t come, but our congregants did become heavier, which should help in the hastening of his arrival. We ask our retirees to come to daily Minyin. You must have time. There is no way you are golfing for ten hours every morning. The hunch in your walk is not conducive to leaving the cart. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Be Happy While Putting on Weight: What Makes a Good Jew. How to Not Be Annoying and Say Kaddish Too Slow Like Mark. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 16:26) ‘And the one that sends the he-goat to Azazel shall wash his clothing and immerse himself in water. And after this he shall come into the camp.’ You don’t come into the camp dirty... Of course you use water. LaAzazel, Bernie. What else do you immerse in?... Who immerses in oil. That’s disgusting. That’s libating. You immerse. You don't libate. You must understand the Torah’s words... LaAzazel. Yes. Libating is a Torah word. Sifra teaches that the man becomes Tamei because he left the walls of Jerusalem. You leave the holy city, you're impure. I think that makes sense... It's called the holy city. The congregation here in Topeka is Tamei... At least not clean. At least smells bad. When you come back from a trip, you shower. I have never smelled such... You just got back from spending Pesach in South America and you come to shul unbathed. Disgusting... I don’t know where it's best to go. I do know that you shower before coming to shul... Then go to Azazel. (Vayikra 16:28) And the one who leaves the camp to burn the Chatat also cleans himself before coming into the camp. We see a theme here. A theme that is very different than how Shmuli's parents send him to shul with Cheerios on his shirt... After these services, the Kohen atones for everybody. Around all these impurities, the Kohen atones... Me being here, dealing with this Azazel should be an atonement for me. I pray to H' it's something... You can only be atoned when you rejoin the congregation... Not this congregation. Because everybody here is Tamei... It’s about entering the congregation clean. We have a lot of people here that have not taken their suits to the cleaners in a very long time... I see the shine, Bernie. It’s about being clean, so you can give and be part of our people. Clean and heavy... Yes. It’s a Mitzvah to put on weight on Pesach. Matzah does make you religious... Fat. Heavy makes you religious. Tzimis and Kishka. Chalipshus. Anybody who’s thin, I question if they’re keeping Mitzvot... The Mashiach meal is just to help you get heavier. Mashiach will only come if we’re heavy... Taking off Matzah weight if Mashiach did not show up is OK for you. You're already heretics... It's called the Don't Eat Matzah Diet. Why do I have to explain this in my sermon????!!! No. Ethel. It's simple. You don't eat Matzah. That's the diet... I can't explain this more... LaAzazel. We want you in the camp of our people. But pure. Not Tamei. And not annoying, back left of the shul... Michel is annoying and should be kicked out of the camp. Bert had to slow down for your Kaddish... Bert already goes way too slow. Any time we go slow, Bert goes even slower. You found a way to go slower than that. You’ve even frustrated Bert... Shut up Bert. You frustrated everybody else. And now that the other people finished their Chiyuvim, and aren't saying Kaddish anymore, you speed up?!... LaAzazel. Your Mishpuchi should have an Aliyas Nishama. An ascending of the soul... LaAzazel. You retired from your job and judaism... Well you don’t come to shul anymore during the week Menachem. I get that the dayschool can’t fire you as a rebbe now for not being religious... To Azazel Bert. Rivka's Rundown I believe the rabbi ended the sermon by cursing at us. It was hard to figure out if the rabbi's message was about the he-goat or Bernie and the rest of the men's club going to Azazel. I don’t understand the difference between libating and immersing. I am not sure if libating is a Torah word. I did see it in the translation though. The diet was not to eat Matzah for a week. I took off 20lbs just from not eating Matzah. Announcing that people can call the shul office to find out about the diet was a bad idea. A very bad idea. People were asking the secretary how to not eat Matzah. Many of the members were in shock. They had no idea how to fulfil the diet. For hours every day, she had to explain how to not eat Matzah. Seudat Mashiach, the Messiah Meal, was just more food. Why we did it? To eat more. There was opportunity. The rabbi noticed that the holiday was ending and he felt it his religious duty to make sure we eat. I think Mashiach is coming. We put on weight. A collective three hundred pounds. My rabbi truly defined the coming of the Mashiach when he taught us the Messiah will come when we eat more. We did the Seudat Mashiach a day after they do it in Israel. I guess Mashiach is coming to America a day later. The diet and being heavy to bring Mashiach are mixed messages. I believe the rabbi figures we as a congregation are only slowing down the Messiah's arrival. So, he figures we might as well look healthier. I appreciate the rabbi bringing up Kaddish again. I feel bad their parent passed away, but they are so annoying. So slow. It makes you want to curse midKaddish. That's not good for the blessings. The Kaddish is painful. People are walking out now. It's like a basketball game where you know you have no chance of winning. You just leave. You have no chance of not getting mad. It was painful before Michel. Now he's added a layer of depression to the Kaddish that dead people can't even experience. Once they retire from working at the dayschool or the kosher wine factory you don't see them at shul anymore. I think they figure that they can’t fire you for not being religious at that point. They just stop coming. But they all come when they need a Kaddish. They come and they wonder where the Minyin is. The Minyin is at home still recovering from Michel's Kaddish. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Scene 2
INT - SHUL - DAY After a full conversation with his children right outside of the entrance to the shul, at full volume, Sam is back at Minyin. Sam naturally talks in a loud voice, just to hear himself. Max, another ninety-year-old is sitting there and doesn't notice this whole thing happened. He's the only one who is still praying with Kavanah (meditative intent of prayer). The Chazin is still leading services and people are praying. Sam: I didn't distract anybody. Member 5: This is distracting. Member 1: You answered your phone in the middle of Minyin. Sam: No I didn't. Member 2: You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you started your conversation in the middle of Minyin. Member 1: I think you said, 'I can't talk. I'm at Minyin.' Then you went on and started yelling. Then you shouted, 'I don't want to disturb the prayers.' Member 4: Then you shushed me for Davening. Member 1: That was disruptive. Member 5: When you first got to shul you hit me with your Tallis. While you were throwing it on, you whacked me with the tassels. That distracted me. Sam: I went to the hall to not disrupt. Member 1: In the hall you got louder. You shouted, 'At least here I can talk at a normal level.' Member 4: Sam. Your normal level is whatever we can hear while we're trying to Daven. Member 3: You told your son, 'I can't stand those guys in the Minyin. I had to leave because they're Davening is bothering me. I can't hear you in there.' Member 1: You stood right there. Member 1 points to a foot outside the door. You were right there. Member 3: The door was open. Chazin: He talked and said he can't talk. And nobody said 'Amen' to my Brachas. Then he said, 'I'm outside the shul now.' The Chazin gives up and storms out of the Minyin. Now there is no leader. Sam: What's with him?! Scene 1 INT - SHUL - DAY (FLASHBACK to FIVE MINUTES EARLIER) A sign on the wall reads, 'Please put your phone on silent.' Around twelve men are Davening (praying) at low volume. Middle of Minyin (prayers in a quorum) Sam's phone rings. Sam, a ninety-year-old, answers the phone. And this all happened while I was trying to pray. Which is why you see me in the background saying nothing, just looking on in shock. You hear Sam talking in the background, naturally loud so he can hear himself, and then you hear him shush people. Sam, shaking his head, angrily walks into the hall. Stands a foot outside the shul. Sam (Out of Scene from the hall - loud): They're so loud in there. Member 1: Did he just get mad at us for Davening? Member 2 (innocently): We were interrupting his call. Member 3: Sam comes to shul because it's a good place to take calls. You hear Sam talking louder. Yelling. Even when there is silence, you intermittently hear Sam from the hall throughout the conversation. The Chazin is trying to lead and nobody is listening. He continues to try to lead, showing frustration. I am trying to Daven, as well as two of the other members of the Minyin who have not got involved in the conversation yet, who are now also getting frustrated. Member 1: He's getting louder. It can't be. And he hasn't moved. He is right at the door. That's not the hall. Member 3: It's the hall. Just kind of in the shul too. Why is he talking so loud? Member 2: He thinks the people on the other side of the phone don’t hear him. Member 4: So he has to talk louder to make sure. Let's say the other person lives in Kansas. How will they hear him from New York?! Member 3: It’s like he feels that since they’re really far, he has to yell. Member 2: Exactly. They're not going to hear you in a different state if you don't project. There is silence for a moment and everybody continues Davening. Then you hear Sam start yelling again. Member 2: I think they might be organizing a family Simcha. Chazin (turns to other members of Minyin): Is anybody listening to me? Member 3: I think it's a grandkid. Member 1: I think he's still mad at us for Davening. Chazin: Can somebody please say 'Amen.' Scene 3 INT - SOCIAL HALL - DAY After Minyin the men are eating breakfast together and philosophizing. This whole episode turns into a conversation about why older people talk louder. Member 3: Older members talk louder in shul during the silent prayer. Member 5: Silence is relative to age. Member 1: Max is loud during Davening because he thinks he's on the phone. They think they're on the phone all the time. That's why they're always talking loud. There is head nodding of agreement. Kibbitzer Conclusion When people say 'I can't talk,' they are talking. There was a very long conversation about that during services. That was the conclusion. The problem is most people don't understand that you don't go to shul to Daven. And the Minyin is still trying to figure out why the older members of the congregation get so loud on the phone. 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At the heart of the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (the silent prayer that you do out loud) is the Kedusha. It's at this moment that the cantor, Chazin, Bal Tefilah, or guy leading the prayers that is louder than everybody else, has a chance to sing. So, they do it. Here are some key notes to help you pick the correct tunes when leading services, and to understand the tunes of holiness we use in our tradition.
Go Slow As the leader, you want the congregants frustrated. For this, you sing. Just when they think Davening will end soon, sing more. The tunes chosen should be slow and long. This keeps people in shul. It is part of the Jewish laws regarding suffering and how you are a better person if you suffer longer. During the Kedusha they can’t run. They have to stand in one spot in solemnity. You keep them longer there. If the song moves too fast, be sure to add NayNayNays. That can keep any song going for another hour or so. Slowdown and add NayNayNays. Songs to Use During Your Kedusha Many Chazins like to sing something catchy. This means 'VAtah Ba'anim Shiru' or the Black Eyed Peas' 'I Got a Feeling.' Personally, I'm a fan of the more sentimental Jewish songs, such as TLC's 'Unpretty.' 'A Million Dreams' is always a good one. I believe that song is Frum. Throughout the ages, Chazanim have worked endlessly to develop tunes for our prayer services. Forget those melodies. That all ended in the 1980s when Lenny Solomon and Shlock Rock learned about the Beach Boys a decade late. Since then, as the pop charts have changed, Tefillah has developed. Hence, now we praise Gd with Nigunim by MBD, Uncle Moishy and Kid Rock. Fitting Words into A Song This is a developed skill. You have chosen the song. Now you must finesse it. No modern songs produced by Sony Music are written to Naritzcha. Shwekey has done well with these lyrics, why can't Sony put out an LP?! Bruno Mars is an excellent song writer. However, he has yet to have composed an Anim Zemirot melody. Or maybe he did. I think I heard it. It's confusing. Point is, you take whatever song and reappropriate it as Jewish with words that don't fit. I am sure the Etz Chaim Hi tune topped the charts in the Balkans in the 1520s. My woke friends have assured me reappropriating is OK if it's for spiritual reasons. For spiritual reasons, you also don't have to pay for the rights to the music. Naritzcha to Mimkomcha Chazins want to make the Tefillah more meaningful. Many have asked how to choose specific songs for specific parts of the Kedusha. You don't. You wake up Shabbat morning and go with the song that is stuck in your head. One Chazin was doing the Kivodo part of the Kedusha to Barnie's 'Brushing My Teeth On Top.' I believe they were trying to get their child to brush that morning. That is how tradition develops. Simon and Garfunkel has made it into the lexicon of Kedusha songs. Back in the '70s your average Jew woke up to the radio playing 'Scarborough Fair.' Hence, sung as tradition along with 'Sound of Silence' in many shuls. There are traditional cantorial melodies for these. But nobody uses them, because they're good. You don't feel the requisite pain of suffering if it's good. How to Fit the Words It's a challenge to fit five words into one note. Yet, the skilled Bal Tefillah does it with ease, and no concern for the melody. A savvy Bal Tefillah has the ability to leave the congregation in shock, wondering what he just did, while continuing onto the NayNayNay portion Bruno Mars did not anticipate. Here is the secret to all modern-day Jewish shul song composition. Syllabalize. As the Chazin, pick any song. Pick whatever song you want. It makes no difference. Then you fit the words into the tune. Any song works if you force enough words into a note. By the way, 'Kivodo Maleh Olam uMshortav Shoalim Zeh Lazeh' is one syllable. Make Them Wait Longer Musaf, the added prayer on Shabbat and holidays, is the perfect time to go off with more tunes. Focus on the Musaf's Kedusha. It is at this point that they have already been in shul for two and a half hours. The longer you can extend this part of the prayer, the more pain they will feel. NayNayNays must be added here. NayNayNays after three hours in shul adds to frustration and anger, and thus opens up the gates of heaven. Now that they think the singing is done. Don't stop there. There is so much more you can do with vShamru tunes and Modims during your repetition of the Amidah. And don't forget the Sim Shalom. That is your Shabbat morning finale. Go out very long. Better yet, repeat the word 'Sim' as many times as you can. That will definitely get them folding their Tallises. Want to add to the anger, get the choir backing it up with NayNayNays. You know you have done your job, keeping with the traditional songs of the Kedusha written by Pink and Bruno Mars, if people are folding their Tallises in a rage of anger and rushing to Kiddish. Next time we will focus on more Tefillah songs, such as those written by Men at Work. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
Pesach starts this Monday night. If you are not suffering from anxiety, you are not going to heaven and your house is not clean. You can stay in your home this Pesach. We have found a cleaning service that doesn’t know about Pesach cleaning yet. They have staff that will come and clean your home. We suggest you only tell them how much cleaning they will have to do once they already started. Hold off on giving them a toothpick for crevice cleaning, until second day of cleaning. Please come to the shul office to pick up your Matzah. We will have a hard time pawning this off for sixty dollars a box to the nonJew who will be purchasing the Chametz this year. It turns out that Matzah does not sell at a premium on the secondary market. The leftover cake at Kiddish should be enjoyable. It turns out many people have Zomick’s meltaways leftover from Purim. We’ve noticed a young generation of annoying kids not saying thank you to adults who hold doors for them. Please let your annoying ones know they aren’t important, and to be appreciative. Or a kind person will smack them. Contemporary Halacha Classes: Educating Children Without Being Locked Up. How to Get Your Child to Help Clean for Pesach Without it Being Considered Child Abuse. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We’re talking about the sacrifice of the poor Metzora (the afflicted one who speaks Lashon Hara)... Not everybody in this shul is poor. There is no reason why donations should be coming to the shul office in the form of turtledoves. Bring a proper donation... Cash. Not something that was hiding in your air-conditioner... This is why we speak Lashon Hara about you... We’re talking sin offerings and elevation offerings. The guilt offering is another thing... You should always feel guilty. Sitting in shul, you should be full of guilt. Just seeing the congregation, I feel guilty. I feel like it's a punishment for a sin I committed... I'm not pulling out turtledoves. I'm a rabbi, not a magician... (Vayikra 14:22) ‘And two turtledoves or two young doves, for whichever he has the means.’ It's a matter of what somebody can afford... No. Before the membership to St. Cantstandjew Country Club... Meshech Chochmah teaches that one animal is not greater than the next. It is all dependent on what one can afford to bring. This is not true when it comes to having me over for dinner... Everybody would rather get a decent piece of chicken and brisket. Nobody enjoyed the turtledove Kiddish... You own Minky’s Furs and you brought a kugel. Do your part. It's about doing your part. Knowing what you have and not taking shortcuts. Clean a little... You told the cleaning lady about the toothpick right when she got there???!!! Of course she left. You don't bring up the toothpick or pull out the oven cleaner mask protection until they've finished with the countertops... And that is my Shabbat HaGadol Drasha. You’re annoying... OK. I'll take questions... Just be honest with your means. We see you driving a turbo boost 2k scooter... It has jets. Literal jets and fire coming out of the back. You have money. Dedicate a Kiddish every once in a while. At least pay your dues and let somebody get some of the BBQ... Last Spring Into Shul BBQ you had twelve hotdogs... The Matzah is too expensive. I think that is one thing we can all agree on... I don’t know if it says in the Torah that one who doesn’t make enough can eat Streit’s at the Seder... I don't believe you can purchase turtledoves to eat instead of Matzah on Pesach... You should share. Other people might like the meltaway too... I have never seen a congregation care so much about Biyur Chametz that they don’t share cake... Nobody is eating turtledoves. We have to stop talking about turtledoves. If I go to a Bar Mitzvah with turtledoves... You are too relaxed. You have definitely not started cleaning your home. It shows. The lesson is to do your part. As an individual and as part of the community... Do your part. If a kid doesn’t say thank you for a door being held, smack them. Let them know to be appreciative... If you’re a grownup who doesn’t say thank you, ask somebody to smack you... What are my sources? The Torah. Rivka's Rundown The Shabbat HaGadol Drasha is shorter than any of the other sermons the rabbi gave this year. Our last rabbi used to give out long source sheets for his SHabbat HaGadol Drasha. It wowed everybody. He didn’t even speak. He just gave out sheets, smiled and said, ‘I did that.’ Then he would leave. Our rabbi quotes the whole Torah in everything he says. This is why he doesn't need to give exact spots. It's the whole Torah. He's a walking Torah who knows the importance of educating annoying kids. The shul office thought the turtledove donation was an act of antisemitism. They are cheap. A cheap congregation. Not poor, but they will try to get away with turtledoves for a Simcha luncheon. Matzah does not sell well on the secondary market. That is true. The rabbi finally won the congregation over by acknowledging the Matzah is way too expensive. It was the first time people cheered for the rabbi. They followed him home shouting, ‘This is our Rebbe.’ I love the prePesach leftover Kiddish. So much food. Half bitten. It's all good. I ate too much cake. The meltaway is the greatest cake. I ate half of it. It's the perfect mixture of babka and coffee cake. Some things are serious. And meltaway is one of them. The Spring Into Shul BBQ is very catchy. A lot of people show up for the food. They don't come to shul after that. Even during last year's BBQ, they couldn't pull ten men aside to get a Minyin. To quote Shloimy, 'I am part of this congregation to eat food I don't have to pay for.' I hold doors for these kids and I want to smack them. They are so entitled. I said to one, ‘You could’ve said thank you.’ And they kept on walking. They're lucky I'm old and without ability to chase them down. If they made kids slower, they would get whacked a lot more. Then this guy next to me looks at me like an angry person. No. I am a person who realizes this little pisher is a nothing. And the pisher gives attitude. What happened to appreciation? Is it wrong to express gratitude?! I turned to this pisher's dad and expressed, 'I do not appreciate you and your family. Nor do I appreciate seeing four hamburgers on your pisher's plate.' How these kids are allowed to take all the food... I really just want to smack the kids. Is that wrong? They have so much Chutzpah. And Chutzpah is not a good thing when I'm doing a favor. Is it wrong to smack kids?! My niece said you're not allowed to nowadays. I went to the Halacha class on not getting locked up for educating children. Very practical. I am on Shpilkies with Pesach prep. I am a good Jew. I don't have time for any more of this writing stuff. I have to shpritz the tiles now. 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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 1:114/18/2024
Laws 11: Anthropomorphisms Whatever Those Mean
We have clarified H' doesn't have a body or corporeal being. Let me repeat. H’ doesn’t have a body, He doesn't have feelings. He doesn't have to work out to keep toned and He does not have body dysmorphia. And that is why many Frum Jews who try to follow in H's ways are very out of shape. Sticks and stones will not break H's bones, but you will go to Gehenim for calling Him names. That is how I learned the saying. Note: I use the word corporeal so you can learn something new from here. And it makes me look smart. And I have no idea what corporeal means. There is no separation. No greater or worse. No going up and no coming down. Gd is Gd. No anger or laughter. Nothing physical is Gd. H' is One. That's it. Why I keep coming back to the Shema is because you don't get it. 'One is H". One is H". One is H". In the heavens and the earth.' Why the song repeats 'One' three times, I can't tell you. It's very confusing. What does 'One' mean? Unity, no difference, all playing for the same team, a really boring football game. H' doesn't sit at a desk all day. He doesn't slouch. H' doesn't have human needs. He doesn't say annoying stuff like Bernie. He doesn't mess up jokes like Max. He doesn't need to shower like Sam who just got here from the gym. Disgusting. In Sam's case, it's 'following in H"s ways to shower.' Not speech or silence. But we can talk to Him. I pray and I am more confused. And the cabdriver that told me Gd spoke to him was lying to me. How does Moshe speak to Gd? It's complicated. And it was the bush that spoke. Nowhere do we learn that bushes can't talk. H' is not found in time. So, H' has no beginning or end. Death and life do not apply to Gd. Nietzsche does not apply to Gd. And don't worry about H'. He finds ways to keep occupied. H' doesn't need to keep occupied. Occupation doesn't affect Gd. You see. You and your corporeal being are still stuck on anthropomorphisms, whatever they are. This is what the rabbi's said, 'Above, there is no sitting, and no standing, and no separation, and no connection.' How do people Daven in Shamaim? I can't tell you. I do know that they do get mad at the Gabai (the sexton). It's a very hard community to be part of. If you can't sit or stand, what are you doing in shul?! H' doesn't get mad or angry. Otherwise, He would always be happy, until He had to deal with congregants. He doesn't change. Only those bound by physical change. Which is why working out is something you should think about doing. Lesson: Never trust anybody who says, 'Gd spoke to me.' They're lying or they're a false prophet. If they tell you Gd 'talked' to them, you can listen. They might be telling the truth. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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This year we will focus on Maggid. Maggid is the story part of the Seder. Prepare to spend three and a half hours on these eight pages of Hebrew. Drink more wine if you can. You are about to do the second cup. If you need to, add another couple. It will help you get through having to listen to everybody share their thoughts on four sons, while they still don't understand Hebrew.
We begin the recounting of the story part of the Seder with the beautiful idea of inviting all the needy people to the table and making sure that none of them showed up. Now that we are sure no homeless people are joining us, we can enjoy ourselves and start. Mah Nishtana The four questions of the Seder, asked in song form by the children who are too scared to perform in public. This is done to make sure they are learning something at Jewish day school. If they can sing the Mah Nishtana, the twenty three thousand dollars on Jewish education is worth it. If they can’t pull it, it's going to be a long night of disappointment for that child. The pride on the American parent’s face when they hear their child singing Hebrew lyrics they don’t understand is priceless; at least worth twenty three thousand dollars. They ask questions like, 'Why the salt water?' 'Why are we leaning?' 'Why only Matzah tonight?' We don’t answer the questions. Instead, we talk about going out of Egypt for three and a half hours. It’s the longest answer to any question. And we say nothing about Egyptians drinking salt water, and we don't answer the question. This will hopefully help to encourage the children to never ask questions again. I make it a point to answer the questions. I believe I had to tell my niece, 'Why do we only eat Matzah? You idiot. It's Pesach!' Questions That May Come Up During the Seder Other questions will be asked by adults, which are not in the Haggadah. There are only supposed to be four questions, but more questions arise. For example, 'We’ve been here for two and a half hours. Why are we not eating yet?' 'You know I am hungry, so why are you teasing me with parsley?' Half hour later, 'For some reason, I am still hungry. Why on all other nights do we eat and not have to listen to everybody share their thoughts on rabbis who already share their thoughts, before dinner? Yes. I ask again.' One question I will be asking after 10:30pm is 'Why are these kids still up?' It's good they left the adult questions out of the Haggadah. Slavery Now we talk about slavery. We are going to be talking about slavery the rest of the night. Then, we are going to eat brisket, because that’s what slaves ate. If they were given a choice, they would’ve eaten brisket. Different cultures have different traditions for expressing slavery. This is your time to be creative. I have been to Seders where people whip family members with scallions. I am not sure if the Egyptians used scallions or not. Nonetheless, hurting siblings with vegetables makes for much family joy. There are so many ways to make servitude and captivity fun. It’s amazing how enslavement can bring a family together for some good laughs. My dad A"H did the parsley Caesar shtick, where he put parsley in his ears and then we would eat it. So much fun can be had with enslavement. Now that we had a bit of fun, let us read Hebrew. The Rabbis Who Stayed Up All Night A beautiful story, where the students have to come to their rabbis to tell them that the time for the morning prayer of the Kriyat Shema has come. The students would’ve been sleeping, but the rabbis kept them up, talking about the leaving of Egypt all night. We tell this story now to squash any complaints about the Seder taking too long. The rabbis talked about it all night, you can sit and hear other people’s thoughts on the Mah Nishtana for a couple of hours. 'Is everybody going to share a Dvar Torah? Why did they wait till tonight to share all of their thoughts? I never heard them talk before. Are we supposed to go longer than the rabbis?' Four Sons The four different types of sons gives all at the table the chance to be a psychologist. For the next hour and forty-five minutes, you will discuss the difference between the wise and simple son, and why Pinny had to stay back in fourth grade, and still doesn’t have the ability to sing the Mah Nishtana. A great chance for family therapy, you can also discuss why somebody would use scallions in such a violent manner. Choosing who is which son always makes for good times. For example, if you want a good joke, you just say, 'John, you are the evil son.' Everybody gets a good laugh out of this, looking at John, the now evil son who nobody likes. 'How do all of the people that don't understand what we just read have something to say about it?' Choosing Your Four Sons Dvar Torah Speech Get in all of your thoughts now. After the four sons, people realize that their accounting degree doesn’t give them much of a base for analysis of the human psyche and the Seder starts to move. You want to be smart too. How do you do this? Connect anything with four to the four sons. You can say it’s the four seasons. That sounds thought provoking. The son who doesn't know how to ask represents spring. Beautiful. Anything four works. Four continents. Forget about the other three. Nobody cares about Antarctica. Judge your Seder correctly. If your nonFrum cousins show, say something about four daughters and you will be loved. If you have very Frum family relatives, say something about how women do not have the right to learn Torah. Just a note of help to move the family past uncomfortable conversations about women, men and an orange. You will have time to discuss how messed up your family is with your spouse later. I am just hoping that at next year’s Seder there will be a son who doesn’t know how to ask questions, so it will move quicker. Deep Talk of Redemption Now we read stuff that nobody understands for a while, about being redeemed. Nobody tries too hard to understand this, because hearing more opinions about people’s connection to the four sons would bring up thoughts of slavery again. The Ten plagues What Seder is complete without death of the firstborns?! To aid in more interactivity with this part of the meal, you want to bring out different items that exemplify the different plagues. Frogs can be those plastic jumping things where you push down on the back. Lice can be my niece that just got back from nursery school. For hail, you can bring out a wiffle ball. This will have the kids asking, 'How is a wiffle ball, hail?' Be careful with what you choose for hail. Last year we used Styrofoam balls. That got all over the food; an extra plague we created at our meal, trying get the Styrofoam balls out of the Charoset thick applesaucie substance. Proof Jews played pickleball in Mitzrayim. Blood can be represented by food coloring, or anything else that a child can use to stain their shirt, your shirt and the table cloth. Then we read the acronym for plagues, just in case Egyptians understand Hebrew. We don’t want them finding out about this. Now We Praise Gd Now that all the speeches, questions that were said in Hebrew that were not understood and analysis of the four sons that were also not understood are finished, and we are allowed to eat, we praise Gd for the end of bondage. And don't worry. Things will go back to normal at 3am. After the Seder pretentious erudite conversation will stop. People will forget about their scholarly work they vowed to propose for their dissertation about four sons eating oranges full of hail. And the wine will wear off. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Tazria4/14/2024
Announcements
The solar eclipse was an amazing event. The clouds were beautiful. We also want to thank Dr. Velnner’s Eye Care Associates for donating the eclipse glasses. They were very safe, as you couldn’t see anything through them. We ask for no gum chewing during services. It turns out that your gum chewing is almost as loud as your phone calls and Chuching. We suggest hiring somebody to clean your home for Pesach. The rabbi has seen many of your homes, and he has declared that you cleaning it will make your home Chametz. We also require all congregants vacuum their kids before bringing them to shul on Passover. We have seen how disgusting your children are. Last week nobody got Kugel, as it was on little Ben’s shirt. We ask members to calm down when congratulating an Aliyah to the Torah. The high fives are a bit obsessive. You’re scaring families. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Clean. How to say Yashkoych Without Cheering. How to Avoid Bernie and Bad Jokes. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... We are speaking of post childbirth and Tzaraas. Times of separation. Other times of separation are when your rabbi is relaxing in his office... No. It is not office hours. It’s time for your rabbi to separate from you. The office is a private space to get work done... Because you’re a Tamei congregation. Very impure... The white hairs. So much white hair in this congregation. It’s because of Lashon Hara... It might be because Bernie is in his late eighties. Maybe. I think it’s because of Lashon Hara... What do we do if we don’t know if the person is Tamei? (Vayikra 13:21) ‘If the Kohen looks and behold its appearance is lower than the skin and the (Baheres) hair has not turned white... the Kohen quarantines it for seven days.' If there is a question you still separate. Bernie’s hair is still white. We have so many congregants whose hair has been white for years, and we still have to listen to their bad jokes... Quarantining our membership is suggested. Especially the back left of the men's section... That is not discoloration. That is just Mrs. Felsman's bad use of makeup. (Vayikra 13:23) If it doesn’t spread, it is just the ‘scarring of the Baheres’ and he is pure. White hair is fine. It just depends who has it... If it's on Bernie, it's Tamei. How do we separate. Separation done properly... Certain things in this world are off limits. You don’t look at the sun during an eclipse... I know you couldn't see it because of the glasses. But you still don’t look at it. I try not to look at the congregants, so that I can enjoy my Shabbis... You couldn’t see before the eclipse. Margie, have you ever seen your husband? Not a good-looking man... Then why didn’t you stay in? If you’re worried about going blind... This is why people lost their sight back two thousand years ago. They thought it was night. I lost my hearing listening to these kids running in the halls. Will Mark finally pick his kid up and take her outside... She's yelling Mark. Are you the only one in the congregation that doesn't hear it?!... It's your daughter Mark. These kids are like little balls of Tzaras... Yes. Quarantine them to junior congregation. If they make noise, quarantine them. A corner of the shul for people who make noise... Your phone calls at daily Minyin are loud. But now we have to hear you chewing gum???!!! Are you just trying to find ways to make noise?! Is next going to be page ruffling. A corner for people who chew gum. Next to the old single people who scare kids. It’s about separation and purity... If they are trying and things are not getting worse, we can let them in... The back left of the shul is always getting worse and balder... Will somebody get this kid off the Bima?! Quarantine them to junior congregation. The kids should be quarantined to a junior congregation room of Chametz on Pesach. Your kids are disgusting. There is no way they are not full of Chametz. The way they eat, nothing goes in the mouth... We will not have little kindergarten Chametz balls walking around our congregation on Pesach... There is no way the Matzah does not turn into Chametz when left on your child's shirt for three days with their drool... We need to also get rid of the excitement area of the shul... To make it a place people want to be. The overly excited handshake area. Every Aliyah it's like a guy hit a home run... You were yelling, ‘Awesome!’ What was awesome? It's an Aliyah. The guy did nothing... The guy reading the Torah. Maybe high five him... Not excessive??? You jumped on his back and poured grape juice over his head like it was a Super Bowl win... You're the people we end up speaking Lashon Hara about. And then you hurt the guy. We had to pull out the first aid kit when he broke his back and had a heart attack from the freezing grape juice... Maybe go back to fist bumping. It's safer. Or self-quarantine. That will be better for me... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi redefined office hours and his time in shul. He just set himself up to never have to speak to congregants. My rabbi is such a Talmid Chacham. Office hours used to be a time to meet with the rabbi. Now it's time alone with a shut door. I believe he changed the name to 'Closed Office Hours' in the bulletin. It might have been written as 'Office Hours Without Congregants Bothering the Rabbi.' The rabbi went off on how pale the congregation is. He said the light reflecting off Bernie's pale forehead made it so bright in shul, an eclipse was necessary to be able to follow the Torah reading. I've never seen a rabbi try so hard to bring proof from the Torah that Bernie should not be a congregant. Bernie did say the rabbi's speech went too long. That was his only complaint. The solar eclipse was a huge community event. We all got together and so clouds. The clouds got dark for a minute, and then they got brighter. It went from grey to black to grey. Everybody was so worried about going blind, they all went out to see the eclipse. I believe everybody will be healthy. The glasses were definitely safe to use. You couldn’t see with them. It was like looking through cardboard. If cardboard is covering your eyes and you can't see, that ensures safety. The kids are loud at shul. I want to see a parent yell at their child, ‘Shut the --- up.' That would be nice to see. The parents should keep their kids quiet and let them know, 'We’re in shul!!! Do you not notice that the only one being loud is Bernie, and nobody likes him?! And the men in the back high fiving. Nobody likes them either. So, be quiet and be somebody people like.’ I would even applaud and support them as the assistant rabbi. They make the Aliyah out to be the biggest thing. The guy opening the ark got tackled out of Yashkoyachness last week. It’s crazy. Max does page ruffle too. He's loud. Some of these kids never shower. Disgusting little things. They should sweep the kids on Shabbis. They’re like little Chametz balls. When doing the Bdika, checking for Chametz, the parents should see if they have children. Run a light over the child. Check hands, shirts, pockets, ears for Chametz. The rabbi did whatever he could. People are still showing up to shul. He tried. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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In the past we've discussed cleaning for Passover and ensuring your home is free from any non-Kosher for Pesach food that a dog might eat. Why dogs? Because of the edibility of way children eat at Jewish day schools. What they are willing to eat at hot lunch. How do we do this? Shpritzes. Without shpritzes, you are not cleaning for Passover.
The first step in cleaning is to get every shpritz/spray possible. Six to twelve sprays are good: The shpritz that cleans sinks. The shpritz that cleans sinks and tiles. The shpritz that cleans sinks, tiles and showers. The shpritz that cleans off the shpritz. They are all vital for correct Pesach cleaning. Spray Down Your Home and It Will Be Kosher for Pesach Point is, spray a lot. Turn your home into a semi-toxic nuclear plant. That is Kosher for Passover and dogs will not eat it. A picture of a skull on the label is important. This will reassure you that your spray is toxic. The skull with an ‘x’ made of bones is a comforting sign of good Passover practice, ensuring that your home is not edible. Do Not Eat the Sprays Safety comes first at The Kibbitzer Magazine. Make sure your spray says ‘Do Not Eat.’ Otherwise, it will get confusing when are spraying down the wood and you get hungry. Yes, you purchased a spray that says ‘Kosher for Pesach,’ but it says on the back ‘Do not eat.’ That is very confusing. I recommend you consult with your local rabbi, to see if you should or shouldn’t eat it on Pesach. If you see the skull though, I would suggest to stay away from eating shpritz, even if it does go well with Matzah. Use the Picture To help You Figure out Which Shpritz You have to know what each spray is for. If you see the picture of a sink, that means it cleans sinks. Sinks, tubs and tiles, has the picture of the sink, tub and tiles. You must be exact in your pictures. The picture of a lemon means it cleans lemons. A picture of lemons on the shpritz does not clean lavender. The one with the purple flowers on it cleans lavender. Do not eat the lemon spray. Although it looks quite tasty, it is at most 2% natural lemon. I've tried it. Blue shpritz cleans windows. It has to be blue to clean windows. If it doesn’t have a picture of windows on it, blue is a good enough indication that it is a form of Windex. Different brands clean differently, so make sure yours is the right shade of blue. ‘For wood’ means it is for wood. Nonetheless, it must have a picture of furniture on it. If it doesn’t show furniture, it should only be used on branches. Strong Sprays for Grease Oven cleaner spray takes off a layer of grease from the oven and your finger. The oven cleaner warning should read, ‘Do not use. May lose appendage.’ But it doesn’t. There is no picture of a skeleton arm with an ‘x’ made of bones sign on it. Other Uses for Shpritz If your children don’t shower, you can use some of the spray on them. The purple flower spray smells good. You can also pick up Raid if you have bugs that aren’t kosher for Passover. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Let's take a stroll down memory lane to see offensive costumes and how David is afraid to support Israel with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about Davening in a Minyin and the chance to do Mitzvahs like eating Matzah.
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Why do you go to Kosher restaurants? I go to catch Minyin. I got to baseball games, weddings, and take flights for Maariv... I believe that Minyin ruined the five-star reputation of that restaurant. Kaddish kind of killed the forshpeis for that group of girls. And I don’t know if the guy was expecting to hear he was the tenth in the middle of his soup course.
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Sermons of Rebuke IV: Shemini4/5/2024
Announcements
Please hold off on telling people you are in shul when you answer a call in shul. We all know you are answering the phone in shul. Our congregants are not friendly. If anybody fist bumps you, they’re trying to make you more religious. They’re trying to do Kiruv on you. If they smile or say ‘Shalom’ to you, they’re trying to make you more religious. They would not say 'Hello' to you if they knew you. We suggest you run from your home now. We’ve seen how not dirty some of you keep the shul. We do not believe that any of you will be able to make your home Kosher for Pesach. We ask people to sing Lecha Dodi with normal voices. We have no idea why everybody started singing in a high pitch harmony last Shabbat. Contemporary Halacha: This Tuesday Shiur on how to sing like a normal person and not Pinny, and how to clean your home for Pesach. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 9:22-24) Sfas Emes teaches that Aharon had a desire to bless the people after completing his first day of service... For some reason I have not felt that since becoming the Mora DAsra of this congregation... All you do is curse Max. Under your breath, you curse. We all know it’s a curse. When you say, ‘This piece of...’ It’s not a piece of a sacrifice... Nobody in our shul makes a decent piece of brisket. You're not requesting a dinner from our membership that can't cook. I have never been to a dinner at a congregant's home and felt a desire to bless... I still do Birkat Hamazon. (Vayikra 9:24) The people saw the fire that came down on the Altar and consume the elevation-offering and the fats. ‘The people saw and they sang joyous song and fell upon their faces.’ They were elated. Kind of like when Magic Johnson won the NBA title in 1987. And they sang good songs. There is nothing joyous about singing in this congregation... They had decent voices, Pinny. You can't serve Gd as a nation with really bad voices, cursing out everybody in the congregation... Because it's not joyous, Bernie. Even your singing sounds like a curse. It is a curse!!! When you sing, the last thing I want to do is bless... (Vayikra 10:1) Nadav and Avihu are killed for bringing an ‘alien fire’... Hearing the people of our shul sing is like a foreign sacrifice. Your singing is an unwanted service... This has nothing to do with illegal immigrants. Why you go there with every sermon I give now. Last time I was talking about cleaning for Pesach and you said I was offensive to illegal immigrants... I said nothing about immigration... You being on your phone is not what they would’ve done. You can't sing on the phone... Stop. You were on the phone. You answered the phone in the middle of Minyin and said, ‘I am in the middle of Minyin.’ Then you had a conversation... Yes. We all heard. You were five times louder than you are when you say 'Amen.' You have more Kavanah answering your phone... I know it’s a phone. You don’t have to speak louder. Yelling doesn't help them hear you more five hundred miles away... You said, 'I am in shul right now.' You even said, 'I can't talk.' But you were talking. Exactly. And the rest of the congregation thought you were doing harmony... Because you sounded better than them... Serve H' correctly, with joy, without Bernie or Pinny singing, or Max talking on the phone, and people will want to join our congregation. People will want to praise H'. What’s with the fist bump? The kid is not going to be religious... Nobody serves H' with a fist bump. You don't pound it for Gd... You’re not cool. You’re fifty-six. We shake hands in shul. COVID ended... Stop. You’re the least friendly person I have ever met. And then you start giving fist bumps. People can see right through the fist. Stop pounding... Nothing brings togetherness here. Even the singing separates people here. It makes people not want to pray. And why all the high pitch singing... There is no melody. You’re harmonizing. The whole shul is like an amalgamation of the Bee Gees and Aaron Neville... His brothers sung melody. And please clean up the shul... Go away for Pesach. The dirt... I try to find some goodness. (Vayikra 10:3) Comforting Aharon Moshe tells him what H’ said: ‘I will be sanctified with those that are close to me. and I will be honored before the entire people.' How that comforted Aharon after his sons died. I don’t know. I do know that we should get rid of our congregants. That would sanctify H’. Rivka's Rundown Even when Max says ‘Hi’ it sounds like he’s cursing me. I might just be taking his Chuching the wrong way. He just talks on the phone in the middle of services, like it’s fine. Then he shushes people for talking. He thinks people don’t hear him on the other side of the phone. He talks so loud. It’s like he feels that since they’re on the other side of the country and really far, he has to yell. I think he has gotten to the point where he can't hear very well. That's why old people offend other people. They're thoughts are real loud, but they don't hear them. They think it's coming out in a thought and it's a loud yell with a Chuch for exclamation. Everything the rabbi says now is considered racist. He said we should have more fruit at Kiddish and people said that's against illegal aliens. I can’t believe the rabbi said COVID ended. That offended people more than the racism of saying people have to clean for Pesach. Truth is the fist bump is getting annoying. They pound people, thinking it's cool and that they will want to be Frum, because a a sixty-year-old with a long beard pounded. Some of the eighty-year-olds have no control. They end up hitting people. It’s amazing how strong they still are. I think the rabbi just wanted to not see congregants on Pesach. It had nothing to do with them having dirty homes. I don’t know what it is with the high pitch in our shul. They all think they're in Miami Boys Choir. I hear the singing and I start thinking about cursing. I am cursing under my breath. I can't wait till I get older and curse louder. I think the cleaning your home for Pesach is just an adjunct to the class. The Halach part is about how to sing like a normal person. That is truthfully what bothers the rabbi. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rambam: Yesodei HaTorah 1:104/4/2024
Laws 10: Even Moshe Doesn't Get to See Everything
And you ask H' to let you know what you're supposed to do in this world. You ask H' to tell you the meaning of life. You ask H' to help you make sense of it. Chutzpah. Law 10: Moshe wants to see H'. Yet, Moshe only gets to see H's back (Shemot 33:23). H' tells him that 'there isn't within the knowledge of man that lives that is connected to a body and Nefesh to achieve the truth of this matter about his Creator.' And Moshe was finally put in his place. It's important to know that you will never truly know. Which is why we study. This is why we learn Torah. As a physical being, we are bound. We are limited to sports, an Amazon Prime series and having to hear Bernie cough up a phlegm wad in the middle of Davening. Nobody can fully understand H'. So, Moshe only sees H's body. But Moshe doesn't really see H's body, because Gd doesn't have a body. Chacha'ah!!! You can tell a lot from a body. I go to shul and I see many out of shape people. I know the membership is not hitting the gym. And those that go to the gym are having conversations about why one should not work so hard. Based on the bodies I see at shul, I can see the membership takes Shabbis very seriously. Not one of them skips Shalishudis. I am sure H' would be in better shape than the membership of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. It might be the portly suits. Portly suits make you look portly. 'Show me your Kavod' (Shemot 33:18). He wanted to know the foundations of Gd, until he knew it in his heart, like somebody knows something that he sees in his heart, such as knowing a person 'separate in his knowledge from all other people.' H' is not separate. So, how can Moshe know Gd as separate? Again, I will never truly know. But he wanted to know. I remember wanting to know about astronomy and physics. I wanted to understand it. I wanted to understand the foundations of the makeup of our universe. Then my professor said, 'You have to study.' It was at that moment, I realized I would never know. Moshe was asking for a lot. I remember once asking my dad for the car. Moshe gets to see Gd's back. That's a big thing right there. Give him that. Moshe, a physical human being, wanted a physical relationship with Gd. Gd can only be related to in a non-physical, possibly spiritual way. Which is what I tell the shul when they ask me to pay dues. Our relationship is one of the Neshama, the soul, and money is physical. Or, is the Torah teaching us that through our physical connection in this world, we can at least see a part of Gd. We can maybe see Gd's image, or some out of shape guy in shul in a portly suit coughing over the Babka. A little Chidish for you. Chidish means that somebody had a thought and was too lazy to find a source to back it up. Lesson: You can ask, but you may not get. You can ask for a car, but you may just get a unicycle for your sixteenth birthday. I don't know if I was being told to join the circus, which is kind of like telling somebody to run away. You don't get everything you ask for. If somebody can please tell that to my nephew. Maybe just tell him his uncle gives bad gifts and get it over with. Next time I'm giving the kid a dollar. I am still trying to figure out what Nefesh means. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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After spending the wedding without a plus one, as you must sit alone like a loser as a single person at a Frum wedding, they start giving speeches that you have to hear. This is called the Sheva Brachot.
The Sheva Brachot are seven days after the wedding where we celebrate the Chatan and Kallah (groom and bride) by telling them how much better they are, to let single people know they're not wanted. They give speeches to remind you, you were never married. Here are some speeches given at every Sheva Bracha to remind you you’re a loser. The Half Person Speech 'Before you met you were not people. Now, that you're married, you're a whole, a person.' And then everybody looks at the single loser sitting there, trying to figure out if they're actually a person or not. Discourse ensues and the Maskana agreed upon is that the single loser is not a Halachik person. And then the single person goes home, watches Jerry Maguire and feels worse. You Need Man and Woman 'Without both man and woman there is no Gd. You take out the letter 'Yud' (י) from man and the 'Hey' (ה) from woman and you have a single person with no hope. A heretic who Gd doesn't love.' I think that is how the speech goes. 'Single people are pointless and they have no connection to Gd. They can't.' They added that part for emphasis. The You Weren't Happy Speech Big Sheva Brachot, this one begins with how the 'Chatan and Kallah were not happy. Then they met.' They go on about how both the Chatan and Kallah had a hard time in elementary school, as they were not married yet. Fifth grade recess had them questioning their Yiddishkeit as a single Yid. The forty-year-old single is sitting there in agreement, smiling. Years later, at around the time of the divorce, this speech turns into, 'You were happy, then you met.' You Were A Bachur 'Now you're a man... You get married, you are now a man and a woman.' They want to make it clear that the single forty-year-old is a child and the eighteen-year-old who just got married is a man. The girl is now a woman, and the forty-three-year-old single lady sitting at the end of the table who just got rejected by another Frum guy last week is a little girl. Bayit Ne'eman That is the goal. A house of believers. 'You should merit to build a Bayit Ne'eman in Israel,' which is the Five Towns. Then the single person goes home and questions their faith. There Was a Fifty-Year-Old I Knew This is a speech given to the single person at the table, as somebody empathizes. They see you all alone and they don't want you to give up hope, now that you're a forty-three-year-old single child and your eighteen-year-old niece is a grownup. So, they lean over and tell you a story about a fifty-year-old they knew that was down and out, depressed, alone, no hope, like you. 'Then a Shadchan called and told them they have no hope unless if they meet this guy. An eighty-year-old Bachur. And they met and she is happily married.' Finally, at fifty, this loser of a child got married. The twelfth marriage to this eighty-year-old. 'And it can happen to you. You never know.' They always end with 'you never know,' to give you hope that even somebody as pathetic as you has a chance. 'Miracles happen. Nissim.' Message: Don’t give up. I knew an eighty-year-old who got married. Lesson: Empathy is the most offensive thing that ever happened to me. And then he gave me a deck of cards to play Solitaire. And then you have to pay $1,200 dues at the shul where the family membership is $1,500. 1,200 for the single, and 1,500 for the family of eight. Then they give the speech about how she is always right. I don't know how that is supposed to offend single people. At least it gives a married guy a chance to get out his anger about having no say in his house. I hope this helps prepare your single fifty-year-old cousin for the next Sheva Brachot. This and schnapps should help. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Tzav4/1/2024
Announcements
Matzah orders must be in this week. It is only ninety dollars a pound. To note, we have checked and the government said that Matzah cannot be used as a tax write-off. Please be careful when backing up from your Amidah. We understand you are taking three steps back, but please look out for other members of the congregation. Cheryl got injured last week due to Samantha’s Kavanah and spiritual connection to Gd. The shul is planting trees in Israel, if you trust the Jewish National Fund to not steal your money. We ask our congregants to keep down the Bsamim cloves shaking when we’re not doing a musical Havdalah. Contemporary Halacha Classes: How to Not Get Annoyed by Bernie. How to Not Speak Lashon Hara About Bernie Though He’s Annoying. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Vayikra 6:21) ‘And an earthenware vessel that it was cooked in shall be broken. And if it was cooked in a copper vessel, that should be purged (in fire) and rinsed in water’... You should clean your plates anyways. They’re disgusting... It’s not Biblical to call it pottery. Earthenware is more Biblical. Gd commands Earthenware... It's stuff from earth. That's why it's called earthenware... It's not clothes. Mark said it's pottery... If it absorbs Holy blood from an offering, it is also not Kosher for you to eat from it. It must be Kashered, just as if it touched non-Kosher food. Like anything in your kitchen. Your kitchen is so Treif... If you touch it, it’s Treif. Michel. Your kitchen is so Treif, I wouldn't eat Cheerios in it... You can’t Kasher pottery... Earthenware is pottery. I don’t know why. But you have to break it... I have seen what you made in pottery class. It's horrible. That should be broken. You should’ve broke it before pig touched it... Pesach is coming. Break everything... We have to make stuff is Kosher. We’re going to have to have a class on Kashering. I hope you have enough time to purchase new utensils... A bunch of Apikorsim here. I just suggest you buy new kitchens. Then it might be Kosher for Pesach for a day... Then you buy new vessels. That’s what it takes to be Kosher. Money and eight sets of dishes. Three sinks, plus two for Passover. Extra meat funds. If you want to be Kosher... You can’t be cheap when it comes to your religion. Matzah is ninety dollars a pound. If it’s between day school and Matzah, you go with Matzah... Yes. The orders have to be in this week. You can't order the Matzah on Pesach... Because we are ordering it this week. The order has to be in when the order is done... If this congregation was a vessel, it broke... You break people. You injure them with your Davening. Your backing up from your prayer is dangerous. Did you pray for a Refuah? Did you pray for health?... Well you injured Cheryl. And thanks to Mark’s involvement in his prayer, Menachem was sent to the hospital... Your a dangerous Davener. And your Tallis is dangerous. You nailed Menachem in the eye before tackling him with your Amidah step-back... Let's try to build things as a congregation. To make this holy. We’re planting trees to celebrate life in Israel... It’s life. And I also don’t trust the JNF. They took fifteen dollars from my kid. Who takes money from a first grader?! You just bring me down... And Bernie, there is no need to shake the Bsamim that much... You don’t need to shake it for three minutes to get the smell out. You’re playing it like it’s a maraca... Why were you hitting your hand with it and tapping your feet???!!! I hope I can find a way to make this a Kosher Pesach Holiday. With none of my kids bringing him their pottery from school... It's bad.... It costs money to be Kosher. Dues cost money and you don't pay those... Yes. Bernie is annoying. Rivka's Rundown I believe the rabbi uses his classes to get out his anger about Bernie. 'Your kitchen is so Treif, I wouldn't eat Cheerios in it.' Ouch!!! The sermon was about keeping Kosher and having Kosher dishes. I don't think it spoke to most of our congregants who went out to Wendy's later. I am just happy I have an excuse to not eat at their houses. I've been looking for excuses for years. I am buying machine Matzah. I can’t pay ninety dollars for somebody to rub their hands in my food. Many members got mad at the rabbi for telling them that orders have to be in before the shul order to Flat Rubbed Matzah has been made. They argued that as members they have a right to order Matzah anytime, and they should get it. They are dangerous Daveners. They pray and they attack you with their connection to H’. Tallis whipping must date back to Egypt. It hurts. It was a full tackle. I don't know how his step-back turned into a tackle. He actually stepped back, turned his body, lifted the guy and threw him. He said it was Kavanah. I think it was an excuse to hurt Michel. There is no way the JNF is planting trees with that money. I have seen what they do to the kids at Anshe Elementary. They take that money from the children and run with it. I have never met the JNF guy that plants trees. I have met the guy who takes money for trees. And who needs trees planted? Don't farmers do that? We’re at Havdalah and he’s playing La Cucaracha. Three minutes of Bernie playing the Bsamim. He thinks it’s an instrument. That class on Kashering vessels was the worst class ever. I have never seen so many people destroy their kitchens. The rabbi handed out sledge hammers at the end of class. With all the renovations that have to be done now, the shul will not see those dues paid. I don’t think purging should be taught to congregants who are bad with their hands. Most of the men in our congregation should not be touching anything called a tool, especially when there's fire attached. At least some of the homes are Kosher now. Kosher and without kitchens. The rabbi even said he'll eat at those homes without kitchens, as he trusts the Hashgacha at those places. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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They were piercing ears of slaves into doors so often, it turned into such a bore. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? A bore means boring. It also means to make a hole in something. They bored ears of slaves who wanted to remain slaves. It's boring to have to see people boring ears all the time. Education. When building the cover for the ark the first guy used cabbage. He heard Keruvim. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A keruv is a cabbage. Keruv is one of the images on the ark cover. Keruvim is the two of them, and also two cabbages. Hebrew puns are great. And they are also sacrilegious. My kids take after me. Due to Kibud Av vEim, they always let me take first. (Mordechai) You get it? ‘Take after me' means to be like their dad. Instead, they let their dad fill his plate first, as per the Mitzvah to honor parents. Very good kids. If we can have a positive influence on the next generation with our puns, that is the blessing. They said, 'Our Mora DAsra should not put a string around the Kehillah for carrying.' They didn‘t want their rabbi should be Eruv Rav. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Mora DAsra is a rabbi. The string helps in making an Eruv. Eruv Rav, the mixed multitudes. I have no idea what the mixed multitudes are. But it's the Eruv Rav, if that helps. They heard the Mishkan needed copper vessels, so some of the Jews donated a copper ship. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? They used copper in the Mishkan for vessels. Ships are also called vessels. At one time, many ships used copper in their construction. Vessels have different meanings. Mike Lindell is making too much money off this war, selling Gaza Dream Sheets. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Mike Lindell is the My Pillow Guy. He sells Giza Dream Sheets. Gaza was mixed with Giza. They almost sound the same. Giza isn‘t far from Israel, and cotton is an industry. He wouldn't stop talking, saying it's Purim and there is a Mitzvah of Megillah. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? A Megillah is when someone rambles on and on. On Purim, we're required to hear Megillat Esther, not Baruch‘s story about his new car. Both Megillahs. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Many want to know what they can do as Jews living overseas to help the war effort. They've been asking me what they can do. So, I've decided to help.
You may not be able to afford to feed prime rib to three thousand soldiers. Even so, you can still donate something. If you don't have 10k to support a BBQ for a lone soldier, here are some of the many donation opportunities you can participate in to help our soldiers at this time. Donate Chocolate Chip Cookies Soldiers seem to like cookies. Chocolate chip cookies was the focus of all Israeli families for the first month of the war. Advocates cheered, 'You go to war, you get cookies.' They would bake cookies and give them out to soldiers who were trying to figure out how all these people got out of the draft. They would lineup on the sides of highways handing chocolate chip cookies to soldiers, letting them know that they weren't standing on the side of the road protesting. They would wrap up gift packages without meals, just cookies. And we now, thanks to Chana's kids helping in the kitchen, we have the most out of shape soldiers. Donate Protein Bars Chocolate chip cookies are not appreciated by all soldiers. Apparently, some soldiers are worried about their weight. You can still donate cookies though, even if some soldiers have 'standards.' Many soldiers were so let down by the Israeli chocolate chip cookies, they started asking for protein bars. Why they weren't bringing Dunkan Hines or rugulach is still an anomaly. It should have been, 'You got to war, you get rugulach.' Chana's kids should've been helping make rugulach. Israelis make good rugulach. Other soldiers wanted packaged goods. After months of eating chocolate chip cookies and enjoying them, one soldier noted, 'There is no Hechsher on these. I see no symbol. How do we know it's Kosher?' That is when the protein bars truly started. Socks Soldiers have requested socks. It seems that our soldiers have been fighting terrorists for years barefoot. What kind of army is the IDF? You step barefoot on a rock on a Gazan beach, that's a soldier down. I step on LEGO, I'm down for an hour. Night Vision Goggles and Battle Equipment Soldiers requested this. Night vision goggles, weapons and socks. Buy it for them. Apparently, the Israeli army has been sending the soldiers out to war barefoot and with a knife. The commanders think they're producing an episode of Naked and Afraid. You expect soldiers that train by playing Call of Duty to go to war without night vision??? These guys are out there and they can't even see. The army gives them a pocketknife, a prayer book, and a non-Kosher chocolate chip cookie, that's it. You got guys with no glasses, 20/400 vision, sniping with darts. Guys on a sugar high, starving. Give Money Just give money. Send money to somebody in Israel. They will not say no. Give Money to FIDF I was offended the first time I heard this. To note, FIDF is a pro-Israel foundation. A great organization. I know it sounds offensive to the IDF, but Friends of the IDF supports our soldiers in many ways. F the IDF is another organization. Give Money to JNF They're still taking money for trees. I don't think I've ever seen these people plant trees. They took the money from me in kindergarten though. These guys find a way to make money off everything. I remember once Egged was having issues trying to find new drivers. JNF was there selling trees in memory of buses that used to show up on time. No tree planted. Never saw it. And how trees help Egged, no idea. Just give JNF money. Somebody in their organization will be happy taking it. And you can feel good giving them money on behalf of soldiers, knowing they won't waste the money on trees. Tzizit Soldiers want Tzitzit now. Many soldiers have connected with the Mitzvah of Tzitzit. Some have connected with Tefillin as well. Becoming more religious and Davening Shacharit is also a great way to get out of morning duties. Tye die Tzizit seem to be popular. It makes it easier to see soldiers through the camouflage. Tzitzit are either twelve dollars or one hundred eighty dollars. Some people realized that donations are involved, so the price went up. So you can donate twelve dollar Tzizit to our soldiers, or you can go through Young Israel and donate one hundred eighty dollar Tzizit. As we've learned, they don't feed or clothe the soldiers. All said and done the three hundred dollar night vision goggle donation is a good way to go. Since food purchasing has moved to five-star, war equipment is the cheaper option. For the cost of one BBQ you can outfit a battalion with new uniforms, bulletproof vests, rifles, scopes, protein bars and Tzizit not from Young Israel. You might even have an extra five hundred dollars to give to the JNF to plant a tree and bake some chocolate chip cookies. There is no way they are planting anything. I know it's not happening. It's beautiful to see our Jewish nation coming together, working as one until the next elections. Next time we shall focus on donation opportunities to our displaced brothers and sisters who still haven't realized the hotels have a buffet breakfast. We will also focus on volunteering opportunities for people who are broke after giving money to JNF to plant trees. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We ask the adults in our congregation to not dress up this year. The amount of makeup you use on a general Shabbis already scares the children. If you add any more makeup we will lose congregants. The Purim Carnival will include a Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth. A communal request has been put out to not give your trash away in the Mishloach Manot. This includes Hamentashen made by you. Please only include bite size chocolate. The annual boutique sale fundraiser will take place this week. If you’re looking for gaudy hats, Mrs. Klein will be selling her collection.. Upcoming Classes: How to Not Look Scary During the Rest of the Year By Not Overusing Botox. How To Give Mishloach Manot That People Want. How to Not Miss Shul When It’s the Only Torah Reading You Have A Chiyuv to Hear. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. It’s Parshat Zachor. We have to remember to wipe out Amalek... You can’t even remember to turn on the heating in the shul... It’s freezing in here. The temp outside is 15. When everybody is wearing their winter coat in shul, there’s an issue... (Vayikra 1:17) The fowl, the cheapest offering, that which is from a bird is ‘an elevation offering, a fire offering, a satisfying aroma to Gd’... No. You can afford more. You are just cheap. The last donation you gave to the shul was a box of pasta you didn’t want. That’s supposed to be for the homeless... The shul is not homeless. You pay the rabbi a wage that is... The board is just too cheap to put on the heat... We're speaking of satisfying aromas to H'. Doing things that are pleasing to H'. Not the board. How is the cheapest still just as satisfying to H’? Rashi brings in the Gemaras and teaches us that no matter how much one brings, bug or small, ‘so long as his heart is directed to Heaven’... I would not say that Bernie has a heart. The president definitely... You are just cheap. Nothing to do with heart... You can’t even remember Heaven... It is still an elevation offering, and it is pleasing to H’. (Berachos 5b) There are three kinds of elevation offerings. Herd, flock and fowl. As long as one serves H’ according to their ability, it is accepted. ‘One who does more or less is the same, as long as the intent is for Heaven.’ You wouldn’t even remember if it was for Shamaim. I think we have to stop using 'spirituality' as an excuse to not give money. 'Spirituality' is not an excuse to not come to shul... The money raised by the board is not satisfying. I haven’t gotten a raise... Is it for H’? I haven't seen much money in the Tzedakah box... The fundraisers aren’t even Jewish. What does a boutique have to do with Judaism?... Then call it a thrift shop fundraiser. At least that sounds like charity, and me not being forced to purchase Mrs. Klein's oversized hats... Yes. Every fundraiser should be a Choolante sale. Not a satisfying aroma to H’. But Jewish. Mrs. Klein. Your hats are a bit too much... Rachel. I didn't even realize you were there. You were blocked by Mrs. Klein's fedora... The widest brimmed fedora I have ever seen without a feather. And no dressing up this Purim. Nobody does it for Gd.... Are you wearing a mask today Fran?... Then that is way too much makeup. You scare the kids. You scare me... With the makeup you're a foot closer to me... The makeup is not spiritual. You Mishloach Manot is not spiritual, and it is not for H'. I said it. It's your trash... Poppy seed Hamentashen. Exactly. Cheap and not satisfying.... Choolante in Mishloach Manot would at least be spiritual... We are looking for non-spiritual satisfying aromas to H'. Such as Nutella Hamentashen. The carnival was excellent. Especially the Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth. it was the first decent idea the board came up with. It was a satisfying spiritual experience to see Bernie get hit. Everybody was pleased by that. It was pleasing to H' to see Bernie get hit by a wet sponge... Rivka's Rundown I believe the fundraisers are there so people can feel not guilty about doing things that are Jewishly wrong. There was a Wednesday Night Binge Drinking for Gd, which seemed like an excuse to drink and wrong. Other fundraisers we had included casino night. And that wasn’t even on Chanukah. By the way, the fundraisers brought twelve dollars to the shul. People brought their own alcohol to the binge, and the casino night was all done with fake money. People could've given money to the shul. We're just a cheap congregation. Mrs. Klein is a bit much with her hats. I think she hit me with one of them last week. Didn't even apologize. I know Fran hit me with her makeup, because I had a mark on my face. It’s either makeup or Botox. Actually, it’s usually both together. A lot of it. I think our community would get along much better if we didn’t give each other Mishloach Manot. The gift baskets are a burden. When you see what they give you, it’s offensive. They think I need more bite size chocolate. If the wrapper doesn’t fully spell out Snickers, if I just get an ‘n’, I am not happy. The way people want Mishloach Manot class was taken to heart. People stopped giving it. Once they heard that anything other than bite size chocolate is not appreciated they all had to go back to Walmart with their Easter Bunnies. I would've rather had one of the Kosher Easter Bunnies. I think it's very important the rabbis give a Hashgacha to Easter. The chocolate is amazing. If all chickens hatched chocolate eggs, more kids would eat healthy. The rabbi was at the Throw the Sponge at Bernie Booth for two hours. He didn’t let any kids throw a sponge at Bernie. He said they didn’t have good enough arms. When asked why he was there all day throwing sponges, he said it was for Tzedakah. The spiritual excuse of not coming to shul and bad Hamentashen is very bothersome. It smells of something not pleasant. 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Purim Carnival Booths3/20/2024
The Purim carnival, mastered by the JCCs and Jewish day schools, is the only Purim tradition not mentioned in the Megillah. Even so, it is vital for the communal celebration of Purim. Nothing makes for more good times than a carnival. As a child, I always wanted to go to an amusement park that used no electricity, with all of the staff being members of the shul.
Today, let us focus on the throwing stuff booths. The equivalent to the water gun shooting races at the amusement park, at carnivals people use the water guns to shoot people. But we stick to throwing sports. Here are the top three throws you should have at your carnival. The Throw the Sponge at David’s Face Booth This was a lot of fun, until I reached 8th grade and was the object of the sponge. The most traditional of booths, you take a sponge, soak it with water and hit somebody with it. The idea is to make sure the sponge hurts. If you want to make it sound good for Purim, you can call it the ‘Hurt Haman Booth.’ And then you put somebody there who didn't come prepared to get abused or wet. I am happy they did not have access to the water dunk tank that year. Once the children learned that anything that hit the bullseye would dunk me, they stopped using balls. At least some of the tiny children found it challenging to reach the bullseye with their hands. Sock Throw Take socks and whip them at somebody. This game is very similar to the Bar Mitzvah boy game, where we whip candies at a child to celebrate them reading the Torah well. This is like a sponge booth that doesn’t require water, this event can take place in a carpeted room. People can get carried away with the love of hitting others with things, especially if you call the object of the sock ‘Haman.’ So, for safety, please discourage people from throwing shoes, food or any kind of waste at the volunteer. Additional safety precautions: Do not allow people with sticks are canes near your Haman. The JCC had to stop with the sock throw booth after a very devout man took his cane, started hitting Haman and yelling, ‘You anti-Semite. I will avenge my people.’ It was later found out that Haman was the shul Gabai (sexton), and the devout man hitting him did not receive the honor of opening the ark that week. Bean Bag Tic Tac Toe Part of the throwing trilogy, this is the only throwing sport that does not require the potential injury of a member of the community. You take a big plastic tic tac toe contraption, where each of the x’s and o’s are on one side of a triangle, that spins if hit. This is the only thing that will make a game of Tic Tac Toe challenging, after you figure out that you win if you take the middle. This can also work with a hacky sack. Use small items. Do not toss a pouffe, this is not a strong man competition. The pouffe will just knock over the contraption. Again, socks can be used here. Many people keep socks with holes in them to hurt people with at the Purim carnival. Many people also keep a huge stash of plastic bags, but that is not for the Purim carnival. Next year we shall discuss the many more booths, including head sports and arts and crafts that center around the apple bob other unsanitary events, IY"H. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A well put together cover page for a Jewish newspaper. I knew I was reading a Frum Jewish newspaper, as they found a way to fit 28 ads on the cover page. And the feature article is an ad for Amor jewelry... A properly written Jewish magazine should be advertisements. I once read a non-religious magazine, and I felt like a sinner when I read an article to only find there was no phone number at the end of it. I felt defiled… It’s a shame the Amor ad is so big. They could’ve got another 20 ads in.
(Shulchan Aurch 568:1) One who eats by accident on a fast must continue fasting. Making for a three hour fast to fully mourn the Churban of the Temples. I believe that break between meals fully calls to heart the true yearning of my soul over the loss of the Batei Mikdash... You can't eat once you remember you sinned, as one who committed a sin can't commit a second by snacking once they're already full.
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