'My son, the doctor.' The most quoted saying of any proud Jewish mother with Nachis. Let's do a few of those jokes.
Before we get going, I want to praise the medical field. Doctors are amazing. Some of them can even add ten years to your life, just waiting in the reception room. We stole that one from other people who stole that joke too.
To note: Nachis means your son is a doctor.

The One About President
Every joke is about something. That's how you reference jokes. You say, 'The one about.' If you somebody ever asks you, 'Did you hear the one about?' Run. Get out of there as quick as possible. They're about to tell you a joke, and they will probably grab your arm to make sure you listen to them tell you the whole thing. Even if you heard it before. So, this is the one about the president.
The Joke:
About to be honored in the inaugural ball he calls his mom. 'Mom. I want you to come.' His mother is trying to get out of it, asking 'why, what's the big deal about this president thing. I don't know know from such...' He tells her, 'I just became president of the USA. I am the leader of the free people. I want you to be at the dinner. And make sure you look good.' Finally, after his mom argues with him about what a free people is, she agrees.
The next day, she's at the beauty salon. She shows up all decked out in an evening gown. The stylist notes how beautiful she looks and that she hasn't been there for years. He then asks, 'Why are you here?'
The mother answers, 'You know my son the doctor?!His brother is getting honored.'

Three Women Praising Their Children
Jewish mothers praise their children. If your friend's child sounds better than yours, you've failed as a Jewish parent. It has nothing to do with what your child has done. We know they're a failure. At home, they've failed you. You would never trust your child to put together a bookcase. You're a Jewish mother. However, when it comes to your friends, your child is the best builder around. At home, you yell at him that he should call somebody to step on the ladder. With your friends, 'He's the best ladder stepper. He was also the greatest at on the balance beam as a third grader.'
Years have been spent at Kiddishes with Jewish mothers letting their friends know how great their children are. I have even heard mothers praise their Jewish children as the best athletes. Athletes that will one day choose medical school over the NBA. Why? It's better money.
The Joke:
These women are sitting at the pool in Florida and talking of their children.
'My son. You know what he does for his motha? He flies me in to see him every year for my birthday. What a boy.'
The next one says. 'My son is even better. For my birthday, he comes down to Florida. He flies in all of my friends. He puts together a party. You wouldn't know of such things.'
The other friend joins in, 'My son is the best. Better than them all. He goes to a psychiatrist three times a week. Each time he spends five hundred dollars. And you know what he talks about? Me.'
Appendix to joke: She then goes on to add, Schepping Nachis, 'His mother. He talks about his mother the whole time.'

The Daughter Who Got Divorced
Three women are talking. It's the same three. That's what they they do. They sit by the condo pool and talk. It's the same three Jewish women in every joke. They start asking their friend Fran about her daughter.
The Joke:
Talking of Fran's daughter, Ethel asks, 'You mean the one who married the docta?' Ethel is from New York and doesn't know that doctor ends with an 'r'.
Fran breaks it to them, 'They broke off that wedding.'
The next friend adds, 'You mean, the one who's with the lawyer.'
Fran notes, 'That also didn't work out.'
Another one of the friends sitting on the side hears the conversation and joins in, 'Isn't that the girl that was with the real estate develapa?' She was also from New York.
Fran looks at her and says, 'Ahh. That didn't work out either.'
Ethel is amazed, 'Wow. From one daughter, so much Nachis?!'

Conclusion
If you're not a doctor, your parents don't love you.
Nowadays, a good Jewish mother wants her kid to work in computers. 'My son! The computer technician!' It doesn't have the same ring as 'my son the doctor.' It's hard to fully garner the same Nachis from the computer guy. 'My son. The computer guy. What a boy. He saves hard drives.'
The 'my son the computer engineer' genre of jokes has not made its way into the Jewish joke lexicon.

Announcements
Note from the Rabbi: I got the worst Mishloach Manot again. Here is a list of stuff that is forbidden to put in Mishloach Manot next year, all of which were in the basket I got from the Perlwitz family: Lemon wafers, thimble sized alcohol you stole from ELAL, poppy seed Hamentashen- because nobody likes it, papers you need to recycle, and anything you need to get out of your house so that you have less to clean for Pesach.
 
We will be honoring the Feldenwitz family with a Kiddish. We don't believe they deserve a dinner. A Kiddish should be enough for them. They like gefilte fish balls and not enough people like them to raise money for the shul.
 
Sleeping on Shabbat is a good thing, as Shabbat is the day of rest. Even so, the rabbi does request that you don't sleep during his sermon.
 
The Pesach Cleaners are now out and open for business. They're charging fifty-five dollars an hour. They said that's a good deal. They will charge less if they don't have to hear parents screaming at their kids.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Shemot 30:12) When counting 'let each person give atonement for their soul to H'... so there won't be a plague when counting.' This congregation just needs to do atonement... There already is a plague in this shul. A plague of bad Mishloach Manot.
To give atonement means giving money. Nobody here gives money. There is a plague of cheap in this congregation right now... Would you call give me a can of peas that expires in 2028 a good gift? Well. That's what I got in my Mishloach Manot... Then you should've thrown it out. If you didn't want it, you should've thrown it out. Now, my house is full of a plague of stuff I have to clean before
Pesach. Because of your Mishloach Manot...
 
How many are here? Do we even have a Minyin? I think we have a Minyin of people who donated nothing to the shul. But I wouldn't know... We can't count in this shul because you people don't don't give anything. If you donated...
You did give me poppy seed Hamntashen. If we counted how many Hamentashen that I got in my Mishloach Manot, we would have a Minyin...

No. We are not counting people.
Rashi teaches that the evil eye has power over the Minyin... We don't want more evil here... No. A half shekel is not a fundraiser... Numbering things. Minyin... In our case, this Minyin is an evil eye. Just look at Bernie… That’s an evil eye. He’s also mad about having to clean your trash… Yes. That’s what your Mishloach manot is. Stuff you wanted to throw out.

(Shemot 30:13-15) Half a shekel. That's it... Or two or three half shekels... Don't ask me. It's complicated.
The rich don't give more and the poor don't give less... It doesn't say 'nobody gives anything... Well that's the tradition of our shul.
Give something.
If everybody would just give a decent Hamentashen. Rich and poor... I don't need an artisan poppy seed Hamentash... I know the rich in our shul don't give anything. And they keep the chocolate Hamentashes for themselves. What I am trying to say is the rich are selfish. And you can't build a Temple like that.

None of you put your heart and soul into what you gave. I know, because I got Mishloach Manot from you... Next year. Put in a shekel to atone for your poor judgement.
It’s a month before Pesach and now I've got crumbs of leavened poppy seed. It's Asur to have Chametz before Pesach and you are Asur.

Put your heart into Kiddish. Are the Feldenwitzs that unimportant that they get a Kiddish?!... I understand it's about raising money for the shul. Nobody would get anything for giving a half shekel on behalf of the Feldenwitzs... Your just not successful enough for people to like, Simmy...

When people give money, you can make a decent washing stand and basin. A Kiyor. Unlike the washing station outside the sanctuary with a plastic cup... I know it's a Natlan. It's the stuff you use in the bathroom.
They were able to use copper because people gave money.
If you spent something on your Mishloach Manot. Just a little. I wouldn’t have had peas that nobody wants… It doesn’t even have a tab. I have to find a can opener. A non-copper can opener. That’s how bad the peas are.
 
And there were rules for how you had to make the Kiyor. That is why we now have Mishloach Manot rules...
A lot of evil here. Evil and no half shekels.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi went through the bad Mishloach Manot. He described each item and why it is wrong. And how this is not what Mordechai had in mind when he suggested gift baskets to celebrate. 'You don’t celebrate a month before Pesach with crumbs.' Which is why the rabbi also declared that all Hamentashen must be of soft pastry.

The rabbi almost called off the Mitzvah altogether. Though, I don't think he has to. most of our congregants don't know what Mishloach Manot are. They think it's a plastic bag with a clown on it.
Whoever started writing Thank Yous for Mishloach Manot is an idiot. Mordechai definitely didn't think it was a good idea to have to write Thank Yous. Those things kill every decent Bar Mitzvah gift. I say it's not a real gift if I have to write a Thank You. I would rather buy something for them and make them go through the hassle of writing a Thank You card. Thank You letters are like a punishment for knowing people who give you bad gifts.
 
The rabbi called the people Asur. Amazing.
 
As the rabbi stated that there are too many people falling asleep during his sermons and it is hurting his feelings. That was not smart. Now, the whole back left section brings eye-masks. They were eye-masks for Purim to sleep when the rabbi was talking.
 
Nobody cares about the Feldenwitzs. If you truly don’t want to honor them, they might as well give Simmy Galilah. That's a smack in the face. That's what you do for unimportant people who don't have a lot of money, and volunteer and devote their lives to the shul.
 
The poor people didn’t like the idea of a half shekel. They said it’s too much.
The rabbi’s idea of half shekel Mishloach Manot though was a great idea.

The Pesach Cleaners demanded their money back from the shul for the advertisement in the announcements. They said the shul misrepresented them. The only business they got were shirts that needed to be dry-cleaned.

If we learned anything. The Beis Hamikdash would never have been built with bad Mishloach Manot.

Nowadays, you have to meet the Frum Jewish girls online. Even the Shadchanim are online. You have no choice. How you do it as a Frum Jew who doesn't use a computer, I can't tell you. How the religious matchmakers who don't use technology are on the internet, I can't tell you. Miracles do happen. And I for one believe in H'.
With much non-success with the dating sites, I have created many strategies to attract the Frum girl online. As I care about helping Jews meet their Bashert, I am here to show you how to draw the religious woman cyberly.
Today, we will focus on a few of the greater techniques of how to cast a net online.

Tell Her You Don't Use the Internet
You don't want it getting out there that you're using the internet to meet her online. You can get excommunicated for that. Good Frum Jews don't use the web. 
You've got to let her know you're Frum. That means telling her online that you don't use the internet. And that you're happy to have met her on the dating site, which you thought is a monument. If she's truly Frum, she'll understand.

Tell Her You're Only On the Site To Learn Torah
As a Frum Jew, you're always learning Torah. Eating, shopping, sitting on a bus, running, mowing the lawn, online dating, you're learning Torah.
You'll only need to explain how you met her learning Torah if she's not spiritually connected to H'. If she's connected to Gd, she'll understand how you met her on a dating site with people who are 'willing to convert' learning Torah.
If you can tell her that the dating site is not online and that you were only there to learn Torah, you will land a good Jewish girl from a very Frum family. You might even end up with rabbinic dynasty in the mix.

Work On Your Profile Pictures
If you're not that religious and you use the internet to meet girls online, then you will have to make your profile look religious. The only way to do this is with good pictures.
You want pictures of family. Big families. Big families are Frum. This is why many single religious people buy wallets and picture frames. It's for the pictures of the families.
Borrow your nephews and nieces. This is why you have them. Frum women are attracted to nephews and nieces. To learn how to grab a kid correctly for a picture, see any religious girls' profile and see the nephew holding technique. Note: All pictures should show you learning Torah. Hence, holding your nephews and nieces with a Sefer in hand.
If you have to explain why your picture is online, tell her you're doing Kiruv. As long as you're bringing people closer to Judaism, sinning is OK.

Go On a Dating App
If you're worried about her thinking that dating sites are on the internet, you can use dating apps. You just have to make it look like you got there by accident. We are still not sure if apps are considered internet, or Kosher phone appendages.
If she asks why you're on the app, blame a friend you are doing Kiruv on. Or tell her you're there to help make nonreligious girls more Frum. Better yet, tell her you're there to learn Torah with girls who are willing to convert.

Start a Website
Websites for Shabbis gifts are big. Frum women love websites with Shabbis gifts. Food gifting is the only true reason a Frum woman is allowed online. That's a well known Psak (rabbinic decree).
Sell chocolate covered almonds placed in a five sectioned dish. That will draw the Frum woman when she wants to buy somebody a Shabbis gift. She sees a Twizzlers nib looking type candy near chocolate covered nuts and you have yourself a Shidduch.
You don't want to scare the girl, and make it look like you're a stalker who started a business to meet Frum girls. Hence, you want to contact the people she's sending the almonds and fake Twizzlers bites with white foamy stuff inside to. Ask them if that is her return address on the package. This way you can use your own site as a dating app.
Again, employ pictures of you with your nephews and nieces, and the people in the wallet. A picture of you all eating gummy candy you hoped were Twizzlers and a Sefer is perfect.

I am bothered by this article. I am sorry. Now that I think of it, I will not use any of these techniques, as they all sound very creepy. Please know that I have never used any of these methods. I am truly just trying to help.
I would suggest you don't take any of my advice either- in some states these techniques may be considered illegal. This is all shameful. You shouldn't even be on the internet. I feel like I am giving advice to a bunch of heathens.

The best piece of advice I can give you is to move to New York. This way, you can be near all the Jewish single women when you meet them online.
Next time, we will focus on the dating profiles, and how to lure the Jewish girl with the activities you choose (such as learning Torah).

I was in such a rush to put on my Tefilin this morning, I didn't take off my watch first. I was strapped for time. (Mordechai)
You get it? Tefillin straps. Strapped for time... The Tefillin straps over the watch. Strapped for time with Tefillin and a watch. You get it.
 
At least the plague of locusts wasn't very expensive. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Locust. Low cost. Very close if they were pronounced the same. The plague of grasshoppers would be expensive.
Should that read, 'The eighth plague wasn't very expensive. It was locust'? Puns are about education. Not about being funny.

He was alone in his house with nothing to do, so he took out a date. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The date date joke. Nothing more timeless than the date date joke. Works every holiday. And opening a date is an activity. Especially with a date. Such a good pun. Timeless.
 
I bought a Jewish papercut. It Hebrew letters and a lot of blood. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Papercuts are a type of art, where they cut paper. Paper cuts also hurt, can go deep and draw a lot of blood. Jewish papercuts are usually in Hebrew. Not that they form a Hebrew letter on the hand when they cut you.

The slave wanted to stay after seven years. Thirsty, he asked for lintel soup. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? If they stay, they have to have their ear pierced to the doorpost. Lintels are part of that. Lentil soup. Lintel soup. Close enough. Esav reference. The slave mixed up doors and soup. We all do it. And lintels are tasty when you add garlic.

Is the shul looking for a people who likes bread? Then why do they keep asking for donations. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Dough. Bread is made of do. A nation is a people. Do-nation. Dough-nation when spelled wrong. Nation full of dough. I'll explain.
 
Who was the heaviest guy in the Megilah? Bigton. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Bigton and Teresh wanted to kill the king. Big and ton together. Both mean large. That's a mean name for somebody. I know it's not nice to make fun of somebody's heaviness, but Bigton wasn't a good guy.

Announcements
Purim is this Tuesday. There is no reason to drink on Shabbat, unless if you have to deal with the new Shul Simcha Committee. They are very annoying and will bring anybody to drinking. Anybody married to Harold Feinbloom can also drink. Other than that, drunkenness is Asur.
 
The costume parade will include true Mardi Gras performers. We don't want another pathetic showing of poorly tailored Esther costumes.
 
This week's Kiddish honors a Jew.
 
Sign up for the shul luncheon. It's not a Kiddish. This means you have to pay. We understand how paying can ruin your happiness. If you spent time with the Simcha Committee, you'd understand that there's many ways to ruin Simcha; such as sitting in at one of their meetings.
 
We're asking for Machatzit Hashekel. We realize we'll never collect the full amount of dues. If we can at least get half an nis from congregants, that will be appreciated.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Shemot 28:2) 'And you shall make holy vestments for Aharon your brother, for glory and splendor.' Our Gabai has the ugliest suit I have ever... Well. You're representing the congregation. This is the most disheveled membership... It's Shabbis. It's not Purim. On Shabbat you wear holy stuff... Yeah. Like a tie. We're not in Israel. Apikorsim here...
Well, I though that was a costume. It's got to be the ugliest dress I have seen.
Make vestments. Not costumes... There's a difference. A vestment is a work of fine clothing. A costume is something that looks like a vestment if it were not to last a day... Yes. It's not fine material. Rivka's sweater is bad material... No. It's a costume. That can't be regular clothes. That's a thread count of two.

When families make clothes for each other... Your Chanukah sweater was an Asur gift. No glory wearing that.
Rambam Hilchot Mada says a Chacham should not walk around in messed up clothes... Costumes. Yes. That means costumes. Which is why I won't dress up this Purim...

That was meant for the Gabai. I can't get over how ugly that suit is. The sun is shining off it... Polyester... If you were a Chacham, a wise man, you wouldn't wear that... Because it's ugly. Do you need the Rambam to tell you this?!

It was all made to serve H'.... They were to minister to H' (28:1)... The Kohanim were ministers... Jewish ministers in the Temple. Not a church...
That's why they didn't look like Tzurel and Sam... That's a polyester suit.
It's about caring for each other. You don't let your brother walk out of the house looking like that... Purim is Monday night. It's Shabbis right now. No need for a costume... A costume or an ugly outfit like...

(28:6) 'The work of a thinker'... Yes. That's how I translate it. You think before you get dressed. You go to a decent tailor... Think. Half of you look like you're part of a 1990s gang with one leg shorter than the other.
You guys in this shul never think… Well look at the Purim carnival program. It’s not supposed to be Carnival. You have an apple bob. You don't have a dragon dancing through the shul...
 
You don’t show up to shul drunk for Parshat Zachor… That’s not celebrating. That’s alcoholism… That’s not a hangover. That’s drunk. That's why we end up with a dragon and polyester suits.
It's about remembering. Zachor... To wipe out Amalek. To remember congregants that have wronged you. The Simhca Committee is very annoying... Yes. They've wronged me. I sat in and listened to the chair... No idea who gave her a chair. It would've been rude not to...
That’s why your clothes are messed up. Next time, don’t get dressed drunk... Zachor. Remember. Remember to look decent. Remember to wear a tie for once...
 
Your costumes are pathetic… A ghost? That was a sheet. You didn’t even cut holes in it… I understand. You didn’t want to ruin the bedding. That’s fiscally responsible and a poor costume...
 
At least give Machatzit HaShekel. You don't give to your Shabbis clothes.
And don’t forget to give money to Od Yosef Chai… It’s supposed be for two meals… Three dollars doesn’t cover two meals… What are you eating? Rice? Dinner is rice and rice... That's what you feed poor people. And that's why next week's Kiddish is rice.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The way our membership uses Purim as an excuse to drink for three weeks. I don't know if sports bars is what Mordechai had in mind.

Between us, the rabbi got lazy and didn't want to go shopping for another costume this year. He usually shows up in some amazingly intricate cultural costume.
Come to think of it. I think he's just worried he will get cancelled for dressing up on Purim. Saying it's forbidden to wear a costume was a good way to work around the wokeness of our shul.
I think people not dressing up as stigmas of other people will make it hard to find costumes. We'll be stuck with American looking Queen Esthers and that's it.
 
The costumes in our shul are pathetic. One guy dressed up as an office manager. You know what he does for a living? He’s an office manager.

How many Queen Esthers do we need?! Does every eight year old need to be Queen Esther?!
Tzurel's dress was an ugly dress. You only wear ugly like that if it's a costume. We need better dressed people in the congregation.
The Mardi Gras people really added to the Purim spirit. Though, it would have been more appropriate for our Jewish holiday if they weren't wearing crosses.

The shul gave up and decided on Machatzit HaShekel for dues. They even had a hard time getting people to give a half a shekel. Some said they’ll give one eighteenth of a shekel as it’s more meaningful.
Most of the high shoolers in the congregation hate hearing 18. They're mad that so many people low-balled them by using Chai to justify cheap Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts. They're just being cheap. Some of the congregants have started buying gifts at 5 and Below, writing a card that says 'Chai' on it.
 
They served the food on one table, I had to wait to get near the choolante, I got hit by an older man that wanted Kichel. It was a Kiddish. It was a Kiddish and we paid a lot of money for it. A scam. That was more than Machatzit Hashekel.

The rabbi didn't give a list of the congregants that wronged him. He's got a lot of built up anger over the years. And the Simcha Committee brought it out.

This interview took place after Megillah reading on Purim evening. The little kids were getting their candy-filled Mishloach Manot. A bunch of the little girls were dressed as Queen Esther, so I asked one of them why. She just wanted her candy.

Who are you?
Queen Esther

Why are you dressed as Queen Esther?
I love Queen Esther.

Why did you not dress as Vashti?
I hate her.

Why do you hate Vashti?
She's not nice.

She wasn't bad to the Jews.
Well she was bad to me.

Why?
My mom dressed me as Vashti last year, and I looked like an idiot.
Can I get my candy?!

Do you like Mordechai?
I hate Mordechai. He pulled my hair last year.

Did Queen Esther do anything about that?
I was Vashti. So, I smacked Mordechai.

Oh. Which Purim character do you like?
My mom. When she doesn't dress me as Vashti.

I see, you have a beautiful little tiara. Did Queen Esther have a tiara?
Yes.

What was her tiara made of?
Felt fabric sheets.

Are you sure?
No. It might have been made of plastic. Wait. It was definitely paper.

Are you sure?
Yes. You can cut that easier. We learned that in arts and crafts class.

What else did Queen Esther wear?
Her ballet dress.

Did she use makeup?
No. Her mom didn't let her.

What's your name little lady?
Esther.

No. What's your name?
I'm Esther.

I know you're Queen Esther. But, who are you?
(no answer)

You're doing a great job in character. What grade are you in?
Can I get my candy?!

What do you want to be next year?
Mom! She's not giving me candy!!!

Conclusion
When she started yelling, I gave her the candy. You can get arrested for not giving a child candy. As I learned, when a kid is screaming it makes no difference if you hit them or don't give them candy, or if you gave them a kind morning greeting. It's abuse.
When Esther wants her candy, you give it to her. As she was walking away, I asked her if Queen Esther had temper tantrums.
I found out her name was Esther. If she wasn't dressed as Queen Esther, that could've saved a good minute and a half of the interview.

Since the Jews didn’t get massacred on Purim, we celebrate by giving gift baskets to our friends and neighbors, known as Mishloach Manot. The rabbis of the time found it very important to celebrate Jewish victories with wicker.
As history has it, many of the first Mishloach Manot were met with skepticism, as the Jews of the time were scared the gift baskets contained bombs. They were still worried about Haman's planned massacre, and gift baskets can be quite crafty. Being that none of the baskets were wired, the tradition of giving Mishloach Manot without detonation devices is now a Mitzvah.
The gift basket must include at least two types of foods that your friends will have to throw out before Pesach. And that summarizes the history and Halachot of Mishloach Manot.
Over the years I have received many Mishloach Manot. And there is one rule that all Jews follow; when giving Mishloach Manot be sure that it contains something you don't want. Here are a few items that should be in your gift baskets.

Give Lemon Wafers
Nobody likes lemon wafers. They come stale. That is how they are made. Thus, making it the perfect item to place in your gift basket. Not just inedible, it is also hard to clean for Pesach.
If you purchased a mixed package, pull out the chocolate wafers (people like those) and tinfoil the lemon wafers into your Mishloach Manot.
 
Stuff Still in Your Pantry
Do not give away food you will eat. That is a waste. Think about your Mishloach Manot like a food drive collection bin for poor people. You have tuna you haven’t used in four years, throw it in there. Give beans, rice, anything that is taking up room in your cabinets and is past expiration.
Canned vegetables is optimal. A can of peas and carrots is perfect. Nobody likes that.
 
Make Hamentashen
People like chocolate hamentashen. This is why it is proper etiquette to give poppy seed hamentashen. People don’t like poppy seed hamentashen. People like chocolate, so you make poppy seed hamentashen. It looks like chocolate hamentashen, and then whamo, a surprise right in their basket. It always puts a smile on the face of the recipient when they get something they don’t want.
 
Give Candies
Make sure that whatever you give the people is something that they do not allow their children to eat. Taffy is perfect; bad for the metabolism and the teeth.
Nobody wants leftover Halloween candy you found on sale at the grocery, which again makes sweets optimal for Mishloach Manot. As I always say: It's never the wrong time to shop at the Christmas Tree Shops.

Take Out The Good Stuff
If using Mishloach Manot from other people, take out any decent bottles of wine. Sometimes the Feigenblums make a mistake and give something decent, along with the poppy seed. Thus, always check the basket before reMishloaching.
This is also the reason why everybody thinks the Feigenblums are cheap. Not fair to them, but you should enjoy the wine. It is a mitzvah to be happy.
And many people have asked me why the Feigenblums made out their Mishloach Manot card to me, when it was to be given to them. For that, I blame the Feigenblums.

Put in Stuff You Don’t Want
I cannot reiterate this enough. If you cannot return it to the store, that is Mishloach Manot. Don’t waste money on your friends. It is the thought that counts, and you care about the world. Hence, you recycle, and you let your friends pay for dinner when you go out with them.
Go Green: Leftovers from two Shabbats ago is perfect for the gift basket (or gift bin). By that time, the choolante should be hard enough to not mess up the Hamentashen. Files that you can’t find the heart to throw out. Perfect for Mishloach Manot. Taxes are good, as tax season is coming. Old pictures. Expired passport photos. It doesn’t have to just be food. Anything you need to throw in the bin can also be Mishloach Manot.

The idea is to get rid of stuff. The less you have to throw out for Pesach, the better. Mishloach Manot is a time to start cleaning out your home of stuff you don't want. Which means the Feigenblum's Mishloach Manot.

Announcements
Shiva will take place at 3pm on Wednesday. Refreshments will be served. Please don't show to the Perlstein family's home before that. They don't want to celebrate till Wednesday.
 
The rabbi comforted the family with a hug. He didn't mean to hug anybody. He takes it back. He did not realize anybody would be offended. He didn’t know what to do. She was ninety and crying. He didn't know that was abuse.
Statement from the Rabbi: 'I will try not to be friendly anymore. I did not know that being friendly and showing people you care is creepy.'

This week's Kiddish honors the one who cleaned the railing. It was full of dust. Way to take step up for the shul, Cal. Your heart desires. Kol Hakavod. There's less dust. You're an inspiration. A fine example of a Jew.
 
Donation week is coming. The office will be in touch to collect your donations from three years ago that you haven't given yet. We've given up on anything more than four years ago. The IRS will deal with that. We're just ashamed that you're part of this congregation.
As it is donation week, you can drop off your donations.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Shemot 25:2) 'Take for Me a portion from every man whose heart motivates him...' The shul office is going to start taking money out of people's bank accounts. As the Torah says to take...
H' commands a portion for Him. You haven't donated anything to the shul that is worth... A Terumah is a portion. Something decent. Acacia wood. It's not just a donation. You donated your baseball glove from little league and pine wood. Who gives pine?... Acacia wood is quality stuff. Who doesn’t love acacia wood…
Terumah is a portion. A portion of something you like. Something decent... You have been dropping off your garbage at the shul for... The new pantry outside the shul has your garbage. Every night, you should be putting in a portion of dinner. Cut off a piece of the steak and stick it in the pantry... Poor people should not get your canned peas... Canned peas are garbage... The can was open... The expiration should've already been. That stuff is three years beyond. The fact that the expiration is 2045 is wrong... It was so bad, you got rid of it 22 years early.

Every man gave a portion to H' when they had a decent heart... Decent hearts are motivated... You don't understand portions, because you don't have a decent heart. You understand getting rid of stuff that takes up space.
What do you give to shul?... No. Those are plastic flowers... They gave shoham stones. They gave aromatic incense.
There was Channel 5 given at the last fundraiser. It smells good. But now the shul smells like a retirement village... Not just Sadie's section. The men's section does too. We went from potpourri to Channel 5...
No. You don't donate to a Shiva. We don't need more death. I understand you care, but we don't need more death to be donated to the community... I hope you're not motivated to help with death. I know you don't like your husband...

You're motivated to give. I get it. You're motivated to give stuff you don't want. But you would keep the shoham stone. It's good stuff. You give the shul mood rocks. Worst donation... I have never seen so many angry people. Then the Gabai decides to pass it to people when they get an Aliyah. The new shul rule was that nobody who is happy should have an Aliyah... Well. That's what the mood rock showed.
You see. None of you ever give the decent stuff... Your eggplant parmesan is disgusting...
Acacia wood. You give acacia wood and the Testimony is put in there... The tablets. No. We don't put garbage in the ark.
You can’t donate your garbage instead of money...
 
We’re honoring everything now. That's what happens when you get bad donations, you end up honoring everybody with a Kiddish and a dinner.
The guy cleaned a little. It’s great. Does he need a Kiddish… I said 'Shabbat Shalom' to some people. Does that get a Kiddish…
It’s not volunteering. He ran his handkerchief over the handrail. There’s an issue when there are no Kiddish standards.
We should work it like the Tabernacle. If you donate decent stuff, you get a Kiddish. If you give a breastplate you get a Kiddish. If you build the Aron, you get a Kiddish. Standards... No. Not if you bring three bags of hand-me-downs... What are we going to build in the shul with bell-bottoms?!
 
At least, when you get honored, donate something… I have a heart. That's why I donate decent stuff, like a finger pointer... Well. Not everybody is good at pointing. That's why we have a vessel for it.
People are vessels of emotion...
She needed comforting… She lost her husband, her sister, her friend… She’s ninety. She’s lost everyone. She's ninety... How am I creep for comforting her and caring...
 
And why is Shiva a program now? You do Shiva when somebody dies. That’s Shiva. There aren’t Shiva times… So you don’t sleep for a week. They're dead. Are we forgetting they're dead?!...
What kind of a person gets good sleep when their spouse passes away??
 
No more hugs. I don’t want to be locked up for caring for people who are mourning... I get it. Caring is creepy...
 
Your heart desires to blame your rabbi for caring.
Nobody's heart desires to donate. The office is going to take money out of your bank accounts to collect dues. That's why it says 'Take for Me a portion.' Because you guys give nothing willingly...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Finally, somebody explained the Yad. The finger pointer now makes sense.

They really do honor everybody. Why do I need to say Mazel Tov after shul every time I want Danish, Kichel or herring.
 
The rabbi banned the mood rock, as everybody in the shul was mad. The shul was in a constantly angry mood and the rabbi didn't want to see it on a rock, in maroon.

I got great sleep once my husband died. The night after the funeral, I had so much more bed to sleep on. Amazing sleep. No snoring. If I get married again, I'm not sharing a bed.
 
Specifically on Wednesday. That’s when Shiva is. As if they scheduled the program and planned it.
The new shul tradition is to have an assortment of refreshments for the Shiva guests. Now, your spouse dies and you're expected to host. 
Refreshments???!!! Like a party. The congregants treat everything like a Simcha. 'Merel is dead. Mazel Tov.'
Then, some congregants bring food. So, now it's a potluck party. Some have made the decision to have Shiva picnics.

People were offended by the hug. The lady came to the rabbi and leaned on him. What's he supposed to do? Let her drop?
 
The membership took dropping off donations as dropping off their trash. Tons of garbage bags full of stuff were found at the back entrance.
They heard pantry from the rabbi. Some started dropping off their laundry. Others dropped off their storage and asked the shul where they will keep it. To quote Mark, ‘It’s cheaper than paying for Cubes R Us.'
‘Ashamed you’re part of the congregation.’ I think that means the office is ashamed of the whole shul membership.
Donation week was the worst idea the shul ever had. That’s why the rabbi didn’t mention it. Anything that people were going to try to sell in the spring was brought to the shul. So, every pointless item that nobody wants at a garage sale was brought to the shul. I have never seen so much wicker in mu life. They should call it garbage drop off week.

The other part of donation week is collecting pledges (that's really what it's for- awareness for paying the shul) people haven’t given in years. It’s pathetic. It’s harder to collect the money than to get people to give it. People get all egotistical when they get up in front of the congregation for Aliyahs. The shul must’ve raised forty thousand dollars last year from Aliyahs. They collected two. Two hundred dollars. I say they collect the money upfront. If they did that, there would be less fights. It would be the first time Shlomo and Sid wouldn't fight over who's getting the Aliyah. Sid would give in every time.
The shul started going into people’s accounts. Some complained that they went into overdraft for an Aliyah.

Shivas have had some stragglers. People like to hang out in other people's homes, as they don't have to clean.
People enjoy the Shivas too much. Especially the deceased's family members. The rabbi has had to put out many announcements about not having disco music at the Shiva houses, even if people are happy. Why our community is stuck on disco is something I will never understand.

Jewish Humor Foundation's (JHF) First Fundraiser
JHF is the charity organization that supports the Kibbitzer Magazine.

Jokes For Dollars
David Kilimnick has an hour to tell as many Borscht Belt Style jokes as he can.
You can sponsor per joke, or pledge a huge sum.
 
To Sponsor and Pledge: contact kibbitzermag@gmail.com or call David at 585-738-9233.
DONATE by clicking here
 
In an effort to support the upkeep and continued growth of the Kibbitzer Magazine, spreading holy word of laughter, bringing joy to our elders, as well as those that are housebound, and to start the next projects of the Jewish Humor Foundation, we are looking to raise 50k.
Your partnership with laughter will help us reach our goals and spread the joys of Jewish laughter. See the www.jewishhumorfoundation.org for our mission statement and some of the projects we support.

It's Adar and it's the month to bring awareness of Jewish laughter. As we give money to the poor to help all celebrate the holidays, let us also bring them laughs.
David has brought many laughs to seniors and nursing home residents over the past year with the Borscht Belt style, and he's looking forward to spreading the awareness of mother-in-law jokes.
 
The show of jokes is to take place at the end of Adar. All donors and JHF partners will be informed.

Thank you for your love of laughter and Support.
Brachas vAhava

I didn't learn much Torah in Yeshiva. Even so, I learned how to talk right. Nu. Vsmachsti. No idea what it means. but I know sounds good. And if I mumble, they'll think I'm Frum. And that is more important than learning Torah.
You can't join the Frum community if you don't know how talk right. Here are some simple rules to follow when talking Frum.

Throw in a Hebrew or Yiddish Word Every Time You Have a Chance
Be sure to have at least one Yiddish or Hebrew word in every other sentence. Hebrew is fine. Most Yeshiva guys nowadays don't know Hebrew isn't Yiddish. You can get away with Hebrew. In Israel, you may want to stick to Yiddish. In Israel, the Yeshiva Bachurs know the difference between the two, as Yiddish uses a 'saf.'
Anytime you have a chance, throw in a Hebrew word. It gives weight to your side of the argument. You throw in Hebrew, if it sounds like Yiddish, people believe you and they know you're closer to Gd.
LMayseh. That's a word. Just throw it in. You don't have to know what it means. 'LMayseh. We picked up milk.' That's a word. Lichoyrah. Another excellent word. 'Lichoyrah. The burger and Wendy's was a bissel dry.'
You don't have to use the words correctly. You just have to know how to space them. As long as you use it, it's correct. Lichoyrah. Davkah. Gashmius.
Add a 'saf' to any word and you look good. Bitachon. No. It's Bisachon. And if you're really Frum, it's Bisachoynis. Notice the usage of the 'oy' and the extra 'saf.' The 'oy' is very important. When you're talking as a religious Jew, you should have a complaint in each word. An 'oy' should be present in your vernacular at all times. In the word 'Bisachoynis' you can hear how Frum I am, and how much I am feeling my arthritis.
Just be sure to mumble when you talk. The more you mumble, the more it sounds Yiddish to the Bachurs.
Aramaic is not used. We learn in it. We don't talk it. Why? Because nobody understands it, nobody speaks it nowadays, and they're not sure if it's Yiddish yet. Otherwise, guys would be throwing a 'Mayszvey' into every sentence.
Gishmack is timeless. You can always throw in the word Gishmack.

Don't Overdo It
As they say, 'Stay in your lane.' They'll figure you out. I can only educate as far as black hat goes. Dati Leumi, black hat, Yeshivish. That's the extent of the breadth of my knowledge. Chassidic and Israeli Frum, you're on your own.
I was working kosher and the head Mashgiach came and was asking me questions. I said Baruch H' at least twenty times. He was Chassidic and he knew I was a second-rate Jew. For Kosher work you have to at least throw in one Yiddish word.
The Mashgiach guy knew I knew nothing when he saw I didn't know Yiddish. And then when he saw I wasn't mumbling, he insisted I'm not religious and I should be fired. The amount of food they threw out due to my lack of Yiddish knowledge had communities starving for weeks.

Don't Use English Too Much
If you want to look like you know what you're talking about, don't use English. You look like a fool when you make any Jewish point in English. You can't talk about Paskesz without sprinkling in some Yiddish. Just the English name Paskesz itself is Yiddish. Even if you're talking about the shul's building fund, you look like a fool if there's no 'saf' or 'oy.'
You will never win an argument if you're speaking English. Once they thrown in Hebrew or Yiddish, you've lost the argument. Arguing about whether it's fine to return soup to the stove on Shabbat. 'It's Bishul.' You see. They threw in Hebrew.  That sounds like Yiddish. They won. And you look like an Am HaAretz.
Remember, it's better to look good than to learn. Reading Hebrew is considered learning, even if you don't understand a word of it. Reading English is considered reading. You learn in the Beis Medrish. Frum Jews learn.

Next time we will discuss the importance of being loud in the Beis Medrish, and how to mumble when raising your voice. After that, we will focus on how to use your hands to express with a supinated hand position and a shoulder shrug of discontent.
Oy. This is such a Gishmack article. With all the writing, I feel it a bissel in my elbow. Bsuroyis Toyvois.

Announcements
We need people for a Minyin. It's called a quorum. We need people for that. Without people, you don't have a quorum. That's why it's called a quorum.
The rabbi said that the message should be to show up to shul. The reason? It's shul. Show up.
 
Board elected was decided. No opponents. Penina and Saul were voted in. If somebody can find Penina and Saul and let them know they were voted in, that would be appreciated. The office can't find them.
Please note, the office was able to find them. And then, right after the elections, they have not been able to be contacted. We don't know why. But please help us find them.
 
Slavery in our community must stop. We've heard mothers in our community saying they're slaving in the kitchen. Kitchen slavery is not right. The rabbi is announcing that every home must have a crockpot. Ovens and timers are a form of slavery.
 
Next week's class is titled 'Jewish Men are Not Handy and Their Wives Don't Like That.' We will teach Jewish men how to turn a screwdriver without calling somebody. The class on hammers will be a four part series, with handymen, who know how to use their hands.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Shemot 21:6) If the slave wants to stay 'his master shall bring him... to the door or the doorpost and his master shall bore through his ear with an awl...' I did not want to stay as rabbi of this shul. Next Shmitah, I am out... I pierced my tongue before I became religious...
You don't pierce with a nail unless if it's been sanitized. Safety comes first when hacking through a slave's ear...

It's better to pierce in a doorpost, Then you can use the hole for a Mezuzah. You pierce in the door, it's an eyesore... Nobody measures their kids on the door itself. The doorpost...
No. Piercings are not supported for men... They didn't pierce the ear and have guys walking around with lintels in their ears. Jambs were not a style...
No. You can't hit people. You can only pierce a hole with an awl in the ear of your slave... Slavery is wrong... I get it. It's still wrong...
Slaves were fashionable.

Why pierce the ear? Rashi teaches it's the ear that heard at Har Sina that 'to Me Bnei Yisrael are servants.' We should be serving Gd... Rabbi Yochanan's teaching of the ear that said to not steal, is the other reason given... And here he wants to stay for his wife and children? What parent in this shul wouldn't run away if they could?... You don't seem to care. Your kids run all over the halls...
He was sold into slavery because he stole. I can't tell you how many Aliyahs the Gabai has stolen from...

Even if your wife has pierced ears, she should not be slaving over lasagna. It's wrong. No woman should have to open an oven to see if something is good... Neither should men have to slave in kitchens. It's enough.
Rashi teaches in the name of Rabbi Shimon that it's the door jambs that are the witness in Mitzrayim that we should be servants to Gd and not servants to servants, when H' passed over our homes... If I had a witness for how messed up the board is... That's why we can't get board members to serve more than one term. It's the only Mitzvah they keep. No more than one term... But you don't show up to shul. So, you're not serving Gd... You're here today. That's not showing up to shul.
Minyin. Yes. It's every day... It’s a Mitzvah... This is a shul. That's why we have a shul... No. It's not for Challah baking. It's not for potluck dinners... Love the crocheting club. But it's for Minyin. That's why we have shul...
You can’t have a Minyin without people… The rabbi can’t do everything by himself. I know you hired me and I get paid. But I can't count myself as more than one person... You can't pay somebody to be the whole Minyin. Money doesn't cover... You don't even pay your dues. Why are we talking about money...

Of course He passed over homes, if it was this community with its bad construction... H’ would’ve passed over the homes of our members because of how poorly they’re constructed. Worst architecture I have ever seen. No pride...

Even if you were a slave, you couldn't build a door... That's pathetic. You'd have to call a handyman. A man with hands… They’re not slaves. They’re men with hands. Do you even have hands?... You can hire somebody to work on your home. It looks messed up right now... It's not slavery to pay. Which is why you should all pay your dues.
You would not hit the nail with a hammer. You'd miss the nail. That's why we're having a class... No. They didn't higher handymen to pierce the ears with an awl.
 
There are rules. Mishpatim. Laws... Minyin. Show up.

Rivka’s Rundown
Now. Asides from the crocheting and Challah baking classes, we have wood-shop classes in shul.
 
The rabbi having to explain slavery is wrong took a long time. Around twenty minute conversation. Many members don't like to pay their contractors on time.
After the slavery discussion, the women now want contractors to cook dinner. They're saying that if their men need to hire somebody to change a light, they should get lasagna made too.
Nobody showed up to Challah baking this week, due to the rabbi's message of it being slavery.
Why should their men allowed to be incapable?! As a woman, I can tell you, it's a turnoff when you hear that a congregant had a heart-attack because he had to change a bulb with a screwdriver. And it was too much for him.
The women are truly turned off by the men in our shul. The rabbi is correct. They're men without hands. Non-handymen.
 
The discussion of Minyin being important to shul was had. That was another half hour of Torah explanation of how a quorum means more than one. The congregants were mad that they're paying the rabbi and he can't do the Minyin.
That was a strongly worded announcement. ‘It’s shul. Show up.’ I guess people haven’t been showing up.
The membership is happy. Now they know they're doing something wrong. Now people understand why we have a shul. To blame the rabbi.

The rabbi tried to say he was not a Baal Teshuva, though he became more religious. He just hates Baal Teshuvas.
 
Penina and Saul ran. Once they heard that somebody delegated them to the board, they ran. They’re now off the grid.
Voting in people without their knowing is the new form of elections in our shul. It works. It's the only way to get people onto the board. I think its this new generation. These kids nowadays don't know how to sit in a meeting where nothing is happening. I'm afraid for the future of boards and committees.
Last year they tried having people nominate themselves. We went half a year without a board. At least the rabbi said it wasn't a real board. He hates the board more than Baal Teshuvas. Now, the office nominates and delegates and then they tell the people.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Zoom meetings with people wearing masks, Turkish coffee and pantries on front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at people trying to feed the poor.

As Valentine's Day is not a Jewish holiday, it gets me thinking about bad dates I've been on. We all have our stories, and most women have theirs about me. Here are a bunch of mine, not including every Shidduch date, blind date, I have ever been on.

The Time She Decided to Be Shomeret Negiah
I didn't enjoy that date very much.
She decided she wanted to be Shomeret Negiah with me. She decided to start with me. Just with me. She said, 'I want to be Shomeret Negiah. I want to stop touching guys starting now. With you. With other guys, I touched them. We did everything. But I want this to be a meaningful relationship. So, I don't want to touch you.' It was at that moment, I decided I wanted a non-meaningful relationship. She ended that statement with 'and you never touch me!'
Second date, I asked her to marry me. She wanted to know why and I told her, 'Because I want to touch you!' I felt left out. Every other guy did.

Rejected from Blind Date Shidduch
She was not attracted to the thought of me. That hurt.

Zoom Date
That was either the next level of Shomer Negiahness or COVID.
That girl got mad at me because I wanted to see her in person. She claimed that I was crude and didn't understand the ways of the world. She wanted to report me to the Shadchan.
I tried reasoning that it's hard to have an intimate 2D relationship. That got her angrier. She didn't like guys that were not in flat screen form. She even got mad when I sent her a set of red and blue white cardboard glasses. She refused to see guys in 3D form. She said it makes her dizzy.
I was bothered, as I had no idea how to form a relationship with somebody I can't see. How do we go out?! How do you eat together online?! She put up a park with blanket laid out on her green screen. Next thing I know, she's sitting on her basement floor with a picnic basket. Then, I see a car moving on her green screen with her sitting in it. She wanted to give it the full effect of us going out on a date. She even photo-shopped my face into the guy driving.
She wanted virtual kids, and developing this relationship was virtually impossible.

Girl Who Called Me Cheap
I took her to Black Burger. How is that cheap?!!! Eighteen dollars a hamburger. Big one is twenty-five dollars. You can't call me cheap.
I asked about the sign. That's when she called me cheap. Cheap for asking a question about a sign that had 'sale' plastered on it. I would think they would want people to ask about it. You'd have to be a fool not to.
I had some questions. Here are a few of them: Is that burger really twenty-five dollars? Does that come with another burger? Are you sure it's a burger? Is the burger a ribeye? You sure it's a burger? Is she supposed to pay for her burger?
Next date, I showed up with coupons. Twenty-five dollars?!! How can you not pull out a coupon?! Yes. I am still stuck on twenty-five dollars a burger. If we were married, I would be bringing the twenty-five dollars up every day. If she ever complained about rent, I would bring up the twenty-five dollars. 'We sending the kids to Jewish day school?' 'I spent twenty-five dollars on a hamburger.'

Girl I Forgot I Dated
That was awkward. She thought I wanted to give it a second chance. I just forgot how bad the first time was. Personally, I have a tendency of forgetting traumatic experiences. Traumatic experiences would be every Shidduch date I have been on.

The JDate Date
I thought she was Jewish.
She said she was a lover of Jews. Israel can use more supporters. And JDate is doing a great job of encouraging that.
Next time I'm looking to date a Jewish girl, I'll check out muslimpersonals.com.

Divorcee
I called, I hear a kid crying. Then I hear another kid crying. I am on the other side of the phone, I hear a third kid start crying, I started to cry. We went out and all she talked about were how important her kids are. She didn't want to hear about my pet hamster. I thought that was selfish of her. I nurtured that hamster.
We went out with her again. I figured they're getting child support. I can use that money.
I didn't know Chuck E. Cheese cost that much. When you have to feed the kids too, I can't afford dates. I think she was just trying to score free meals for the little ones. I had to get their dad to wire money for the pizza. After he wired the money that second date got better. All I know is that hamsters are not that expensive.
Truth is it was a kosher pizza place in the food court. There were games. It felt like Chuck E. Cheese. Not going to lie. It was awkward going on a date with her kids, because she couldn't find a sitter, but I had a lot of fun jumping in the balls bin.
From now on, I always tell divorcees that they have to pay for their children if the kids are tagging along. If they can find a sitter, that's great, but they I am not wealthy enough to chip in for those either. That's unless there are coupons involved.

If there is anything you can learn from me... get married, so you don't have to go out. It's always awkward.
For all the ladies out there who want a good date at a falafel stand, check me out on JDate.

Announcements
Somebody died. We didn't get the name, but they are related to people that are in the congregation. Whoever it is did not share their name or the name of the deceased. They just asked we announce death. The shul doesn't have information. It's a death and we wish them the best. They were a Tzadik.
 
Leadership is changing next month. The office will be calling people to join the board. Please do not change your phone numbers like last year.
 
Guest speakers will not happen after this week. We thought it would be nice to have guest speakers, but the rabbi still gives his sermon. Until we can figure out a way to not have the rabbi speak, we will stay away from guest speakers.
 
We want to commend all of those that are still wearing masks for ZoomMitzvahs. Showing up to a Bar Mitzvah online with a mask shows how much you care about keeping people safe that you are not in contact with. We commend you for not passing on diseases to yourself.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom Congregation Beis Emes uSefillah...
It is a great honor to be here. Yitro is an amazing father-in-law and you are such an amazing congregation. Yitro would have said that. (Sermon was stopped by the congregants and the rabbi took over. It was nauseating how kind the guest speaker was. They booed her- the rabbi took over here).

Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... I am sorry for that. You all know how annoying you are... You can stop cheering.
Was Moshe an annoying son-in-law? The Torah doesn't say. However, I can tell you that Shmuel is an extremely annoying son-in-law. He's just annoying... (Shemot 18:12) ‘Yitro, the father-in-law of Moshe, took an elevation offering and feast offerings to Gd, and Aharon and all the elders of Israel came to eat bread with the father-in-law of Moshe...' You don't even sponsor a Kiddish. Your father-in-law came, you didn't even have herring... That's why he doesn't like you...
Sacrifices are an excuse to eat. You're in the mood for a decent steak, you thank Gd and you can now enjoy it with the boys... Aharon and the elders came because there was food. They wouldn't have been there if there wasn't decent food... You come to shul for Kiddish. Not for guest speakers (everybody cheered)... Moshe would've at least had a Kiddish for his father-in-law.

The Torah talks about Yitro because he was a good father-in-law... Greg isn't a good father-in-law... That's why the family talks about you. You’re bad... Greg. You come in and tell your son-in-law how to fix everything. You might as well tell him he can't upkeep his house... I know he's a loser...
Yitro told Moshe how to judge a nation. You're telling him how to fix a sink... Yitro didn't care that Moshe had uneven floors...
Let's talk about in-laws. People who hate you... If Yitro was your father-in-law, he wouldn't visit. If I get saved from the shul, my family will visit...
 
Why are you wearing a mask?... Sorry. I didn't know you were allergic to your mother-in-law...

What was the Chazin doing… What were you doing? You went on for eight minutes. You were like a guest speaker (cheers)… It was one word.
I think you lost the whole congregation. Our Chazin is a father-in-law... Then, you're just rude.
The Chazin should’ve been wearing a mask. To stop us from having to listen to him.
 
Worst announcement ever. ‘Death’… You put something personal in there… Then make something up. 'They are survived by people.' Give some information...
They were definitely not a Tzadik... I am just going with percentage of members of our shul. Chances are they weren't a Tzadik. Yitro was a Tzadik... Where is Simmy. I haven't seen him for a while. I know he was very sick. Deathly ill...
You personalize the experience. That’s what happened with Yitro. He connected because it was personal. They had dinner with him… Where is Simmy?!
 
And yes. I am apologizing for the leadership. Yitro was a leader. Moshe was a leader. Kevin is not a leader… How did he get voted to the board?
Shmuel. His father-in-law was so proud of Moshe that he mentions it to everybody. 'I'm Yitro. The fahter-in-law of Moshe'... I didn't even know that was your father-in-law... The Torah doesn't mention him...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The in-laws’ part of the speech had everybody on edge. Each member of the shul was worried their in-laws were about to visit.
 
Death is a big thing in the shul. People love hearing about it. I think they read the announcements for death. If there weren’t obituaries, half of our congregation would get the local paper. If the New York Times had obituaries, our congregation would read that for the local news.
I think that bringing up death relaxed people, after hearing about their in-laws.
Our rabbi has to visit the sick more. He had no idea Simmy passed away.
Everybody seems to be a Tzadik when they die. No matter what, they're a Tzadik. A total jerk, but when they die, a Tzadik.
 
Our rabbi jumped in and the congregation was relieved to hear how annoying they are. The guest speaker was too positive. The congregants started booing them. She wasn't tough enough to rebuke us. The membership senses weakness. They're animals.
The rabbi literally took over the sermon. I think he even booed the guest speaker for being too kind, along with the congregation.
I don't think that any guest speaker wants to come to our congregation now.
 
I like how the rabbi brought in Kiddish and how that is the same as sacrifices. Tuna salad and Kichel are holy.
Sacrifices are a way to get away from the family. You tell your spouse it's for Gd and you can get a night out. I understand sacrifices now, for the husbands.
 
Beautiful leadership point. Kevin shouldn't be on the board. And his in-laws probably hate him too.
Nobody wanted to join the board. The office couldn’t reach anybody. They tried convincing people in person, when they showed to Minyin. People stopped showing to Minyin. To reach people, the office bought a burner phone. Finally, they guilted Penina and Saul to join the board for this coming year.
 
These people will find any way to wear a mask. I saw somebody in their car, by themselves wearing a mask.
 
The Chazin just went off. No idea. Eyes were closed. He was in his own world. I am sure it was beautiful to the Chazin. All I heard was one note.
The rabbi did get the choir to come. The choir came and sung Motown. They were an evangelical choir. The Jews are now going to R&B concerts for religious inspiration.

Make your wife happy the first year.
After the first year, don't even try. It won't happen.
For one year you should make her happy. After that, you can be honest. Complaining about her cooking is suggested. After the first year, there is no reason you should be eating dried out corned beef anymore. Arguing about the kids after the first year of marriage is also tradition. You will want to blame her side of the family for anything that is off in the child.
For the first year you have to smile. After that, football games are the best way to spend your time. TV should be running all the time. Don't even try to make her happy after the first year. She married you. It won't happen.

The Pasuk teaches, (Devarim 24:5) ‘When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go to the army, and not obligate himself to anything. He shall be free for his home for one year, and he shall make is wife whom he has married happy.’
It's already enough to try make his new wife happy. We don't want to throw anything else on him, like war.
After the first year, get out of the house as fast as you can. Problems start after the first year. At that point, you should be hanging out with the boys. That's how you keep a marriage together.
After the first year, it’s better he goes to war. Usually, the wife insists, ‘Get out of the house and do something.' Many times they request the husband goes to the frontlines.
Once the fights start, that's your sign to get out. Enlist. War is preferable. It allows you more time out of the house. And there is less fighting in war.
Many fights have been caused by the 'not obligating himself to anything' part. Many husbands have used this as an excuse to relax for the year. Wives have used 'a good for nothing' to describe their husbands who keep this Mitzvah. 'He's a good for nothing.' Once she starts calling you a good for nothing and yells at you for not having a job, that's when you should go to war. Join a tank unit. It will be harder for her to find you there.

How many old wives does he have? That’s a question. That might be why this new one is mad at him.

The most important take away from our Mitzvah today is to not try to make your wife happy after the first year. That is too much already. And as we know, you can't ask somebody to keep a Mitzvah that's impossible to do.

Your seat at the Yeshiva's Beis Medrish (House of Torah study, known as a Beit Midrash to those who are not religious) is called your Makom. Your place. When you're at Yeshiva it's essential you make that area yours. Claim it by all means necessary. You need to take up room at your Makom, and the successful modern Yeshiva Bachur has mastered this.
Living in Israel for many years, I have studied space and gotten hit by many Yeshiva Bachurs trying to get to the Kotel. Here are some modern methods I have learned for how to setup your Makom and take up space in the Yeshiva Beis Medrish.

A Huge Tall Shtender
At the base of a good Makom is the Shtender. I saw a huge one that took up half the table with above table height of four feet, and I knew that's a Yeshiva Bachur who knows what he's doing.
We used to have table top Shtenders. It was collapsible, just in case you had a Chavrusa who also needed room at your Makom, or somebody else came and kicked you out of your Makom. The small collapsible was good in case of a tornadoes and when bullies were learning about morals during Musar Seder near you.
The little flip-up travel size book holders for the Sefarim, with a pine tree in the Holy City of Jerusalem drawn under your name written in Safrut, which is probably Asur, are not used anymore. They're too short and Jerusalem looks nothing like that. As people have gotten bigger, so have Shtenders.
The modern Shtender should at least reach your neck. A podium on the table is optimal. It's about Shtender height. Average Yeshiva Bachur is 5'4". Average Shtender 5'10". The idea is that Yeshiva Bachurs should never have to bend. I can't advise you how to bow during the Amidah with a successful Shtender.
Why many of the Yeshiva Bachurs still walk with a hunched over back, I can't tell you. They do it and they can't even see their Shtender. It's pure humility. Aneevus.
The smallest Shtender a true Talmid Chacham has nowadays is the double-decker Shtender, allowing you a Shtender in all positions of sitting, standing and hunching.

Bookcase Under the Shtender
As there is room on the table, a full bookcase should be under the podium.
We used to have a pile. Then it turned into a row of Sefarim at the Makom with bookends. Now, it's a full triple story bookcase with a Shtender on top, and a row of books with a pile on it. The point is that each Yeshiva Bachur should have a library at the Beis Medrish with all bookshelves at table height or higher.
They have a library there, on the Yeshiva walls. Then, you have your library at your Makom.
What is in your tabletop library? Everything they have on the walls. You can have big Sefarim, however it is preferable to have every Sefer ever written in miniature form. This way, when you need the Sefer you know you have it at your Makom, and you can go to the Yeshiva's walls to get the Sefer that you can read.

Pace
You want to cover ground when learning. A good radius of ten meters around your Makom is what you should be covering in the Beis Medrish. Your Shtender should already be covering the table.
You want to show your dominance over the area. If people are sitting and they're taking up some row space with their chairs and table, be sure to bump them as you pass. Let them know it's your area.
It's also a Mitzvah to keep in shape. So be sure to walk. You don't want to be Mivatel Torah when working out. Going to the gym takes you away from learning Torah, and that's forbidden. Hence, the best place to work out is the Beis Medrish. This is why the Gemaras are so big. It's for the lifting. So, make sure you get in your steps in afternoon Seder (the Seder is the order of the day). Pacing with a Gemara is excellent cardio. Double that with prayer swaying, and you're getting wiser and shedding pounds. I wouldn't suggest Torah Hagbbaing until you can carry a full set of a wedding size Gemaras around your Makom.
You may want to also stretch before learning. Many have cramped up pacing during the three hour morning Seder. You can use the Yeshiva's bookshelves to get in a decent calf stretch.

Roller Chair
You want a roller chair with an armrest. Armrests take up more room. Preferably a high back. The more you roll around, the more it helps claim your area.
You want to focus on comfort at your Makom. If you're not falling asleep in the Beis Medrish, you're not spending enough time there. That's what I say when I'm rolling around my pacing area, knocking into people with my armrests, or sleeping during Seder (daily learning time).

Pile Up Sefarim
Even with the bookcase at your seat, you should have book piles. Take whatever books you can off the Yeshiva's shelves and pile them at your table. It takes up more space and shows you know what's going on.
Make sure they're Hebrew books. Otherwise, they're not Sefarim. There is no such thing as an English Sefer that is not for kids. Any book in English looks pathetic. A Jastrow is fine, as that dictionary is harder to understand than Hebrew itself. Your Makom should look like that of a researcher of books you can't translate.
The idea is to not be able to see the table.

The Yeshiva does have lower shelves at the bookcase. I don't understand why. Nobody bends. I think that's where the Machshava Sefarim are. The low shelves can also be used as a foot rest.
Whatever you do, never return the Yeshiva's Sefarim to the shelves. And remember, if you don’t have money for huge Shtenders and roller chairs to take up space, you have pacing, the piling method and your elbows.

Announcements
From now on, only people that read Hebrew can lead Davening. What Frank does is not considered reading. It's considered painful. Our membership is not religious enough to endure that much pain.
For more painfulness, everybody is invited to the board meeting on Wednesday.
 
Ukraine is still happening. That gives people something to talk about.
We will have a talking group about the war in the Ukraine so that nobody has to bother other people at Kiddish. The Kiddish committee is hoping that this will allow people to enjoy their choolante.
 
The guest speaker will be talking about why shul and Snow White are very similar, and how the dwarfs left Egypt.
 
The shul is hosting an egg drive. Anybody who can afford to purchase eggs should donate money to the shul as well. You are wealthy and selfish. We don't who you stole from, but nobody can afford eggs on a regular salary.
 
This Tu BShvat we will serve dried fruit tea. We will also sing 'Jerusalem of Gold' at the Seder, to fulfill the ritual of singing 'Jerusalem of Gold.'
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

That's not reading Hebrew. That is learning to read Hebrew and we just witnessed the pain one goes through when one learns Hebrew... I cannot express how painful it is to have to be part of that when I am trying to finish Aleyinu and to get home to eat... On behalf of the shul, I ask you all for forgiveness for Frank's slow leading of the Davening. It was longer than Yom Kippur Davening. I thought he was doing Ashamnu... I started hitting my chest... I am sorry for the suffering. That kind of pain should've ended when we left Egypt... Many of the Jews ran out in haste.

(Shemot 14:8) Paroh decided to chase them and pursue them 'And the children Israel went out with an upraised arm.' I feel like Frank tried to chase everybody out of shul... The Jews went out fast. They ran. They didn't start exchanging phone numbers and their new addresses with their Egyptian neighbors that used to whip them. You don't want these people following you, knocking on your door, reminiscing the good old times when you were able to break your back for them...
If Frank was leading Davening, the Jews would've never made it out of Egypt... Paroh might have let them out earlier. I am not sure...
 
What does Snow White have to do with leaving Egypt? You can't compare everything to Disney... I am sorry I didn't bring Snow White into the Dvar Torah. I know it's not a modern day Dvar Torah if I talk Torah...
And it has nothing to do with Ukraine... Slavery is not war. You cannot compare everything to slavery... Having to cook in your kitchen and cook is not slavery. Even if you say 'I am slaving'...
Slavery is listening to Frank lead the Amidah. Every second, you are subjugated to pain... Slavery is having to purchase eggs for seven dollars a dozen. Slavery is listening to you talk about how Snow White is the reason you keep the Mitzvah of not driving on Shabbis... Learn Torah.
Leaving Egypt is not the same as Ukraine…
 
Why do all guest speakers never get to the point… You have to hear something about a cartoon and then you’re happy... The last time I head them talk Torah...
 
(13:21) They were 'comforted' by a pillar of fire at night and a pillar of cloud during the day.
You're comforted by cartoons. If you would've had Saturday morning cartoons in the desert...
Comforted means they were shown the way. When you know the way you are not worried. When the Baal Tefillah has no idea how to lead Davening, you are worried. I will be comforted when people in this shul learn how to be Daven and be Jews... I don't think half of the membership can find the shul... Then why do they never show up???
This is why everybody needs therapy and a speech about Snow White. Everybody is lost. Probably can't even figure out how to sing 'Jerusalem of Gold'... There is more to the song than the chorus...

Did the Jews leave with eggs? They left with some wealth of the Egyptians. Must've been eggs... We are going to skip the Tu BShvat Seder this year. Frank has caused enough pain. With Frank, the price of eggs, Jews being chased by Egyptians, Ukraine and Snow White... Truly, you can learn everything from Cinderella and how her shoe fits.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I had no idea there was more to 'Jerusalem of Gold' than the Hebrew lyrics 'Yerushalaim Shel Zahav.' It always gets me when these songs have verses too.

The rabbi got up and gave his full sermon after the guest speaker spoke. The rabbi couldn’t let the long and painful Davening go. He had to talk about it, as well as how much he can't stand learning Torah from Snow White.
The rabbi later went off on the harmony. He was not happy with how off-tune the shul is again.
 
The guest speaker spoke about Snow White. He might have brought the Parsha into it somewhere. I am not sure. I think he brought the Parsha as proof to Snow White.
Listening to these young guest speakers, I realize that my Torah education is lacking cartoons. It's my lack of knowledge of animation that has held me back in seminary.
 
The congregants have a way of now giving credence to stuff by comparing it to Egypt. Two years ago they were comparing stuff to the Holocaust. Like, 'It's not fair that the prices on milk went up. It's like the Holocaust.' I have no idea what happened. I think that it's what COVID and the politicians did to people. Studies will come out that it made people crazy. Since the Ukraine war thing happened, now they compare that to our history. 'It's like slavery.' One person said, 'The price of the eggs is way to high. It's like Egypt.' Soon they'll be saying that bread is now expensive like Snow White.
 
Eggs are now very expensive. We've started a charity fund to help people purchase eggs.
I can't figure out why they're so expensive. I am guessing the chickens in Topeka got lazy.

They talked about Egypt at the Tu BShvat Seder. I guess you can compare everything to Egypt. Even so, it would have made more sense if we didn't have the kids singing the Mah Nishtana. I think the people running the Seder thought it was Pesach.

Now we only have two people who can lead services and one doesn’t show up
We have lost members because they can't stand hearing themselves pray. We are thinking of bringing a choir to sing Motown just so the members don’t have to hear themselves. It’s painful.

I think I'm skipping Kiddish next week. I can't listen to people comparing Snow White, dwarfs and Ukraine to Egypt again. The true lesson is to not watch Disney. An anti-Semite.
Do they have cheap eggs in Ukraine? That's something I want to know. I would like a sermon on that.

It's a  Mitzvah to permanently place a Mezuzah. As it says (Devarim 6:9, 11:20), ‘And you shall write on the doorposts of the house.’
This Mitzvah caused much anger amongst the parents pf the Jewish people. Their kids learn this Mitzvah at school, and they come home and destroy the house. They hear to write on the doorposts and they can't wait to get home.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard parents reprimanding their children, 'You’re killing the door. What are you doing?!... Go to your room and don't write on it.' To which the educated child responds, 'The Torah says…' And then the kid is taken out of Jewish day school and sent to public school. It happens time and time again.

At first they thought their kids were using erasable whiteboard markers. Who would command anybody to ruin a beautiful doorway?! When they found out the kids  were using Sharpies, all Gehenim broke loose. Parents were outraged. 'How can H' give such a commandment?! It's enough that we measure the kid's height on the doorpost once a year.' It turns out that measuring a child's height is not a Mitzvah in the Torah. Even so, many doors have marked growth of children.
Once a child reaches Mezuzah height, tradition is to stop marking the doorpost.

This misunderstanding of the Mitzvah by elementary school kids and art teachers is why the Mezuzah box was created. A box to hold the words of the Torah that are permanently affixed to the door. This way the kids can do their art on that and don't kill the doorposts. So many ancient homes in the Ottoman Empire were destroyed by Jewish children and their graffiti.
To this day mothers have to yell at their kids, 'No. Don't write on the wall. Here. Decorate the box...' Sometimes they even give them a little slab of wood to draw on, so that the kids can be creative on a future Chanukiah. Since the Mezuzah fiascos of permanent poor outwork on lintels, we have developed many festival art opportunities for holidays. They create Sukkot decorations, Purim masks, Pesach Seder plates. Now kids force us to hang their artwork, as commanded by the Torah, destroying the Sukkah.
Next time, we will talk about how people have misunderstood the Mitzvah of Hiddur, beautifying the Sukkah with the artwork of third graders. We will also discuss ways in which to throw out the pathetic art the kids bring home from school.

Eating of the seven species of Israel has been a long tradition of Tu BShvat. But that changed around two thousand years ago, when the Jewish people forgot how to sing the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah.'

Diaspora Happened
Jews tried to figure out how to get the fruits of Israel, to connect to the Holy Land.
Then they were told, 'You can't eat the fruits of Israel outside of Israel. We have to make sure that the laws of Maser and Shmita, and Orlah (fruits from trees in their first three years) are followed.' And thus we have the first divestment campaign against Israel. And the BDS movement had begun. It was religious Jews keeping the laws of the land of Israel that started the BDS movement.

What's A Date
Dried fruits became popular. Refrigeration was impossible to come by in the 800s and dried fruit seemed to be the only way to keep your fruit from spoiling. On another note, there were no decent places to take your wife for a night out on the town.
Canned vegetables were out of stock in all the grocery stores, so dried dates became quite popular. They needed the dates to last, as they tasted disgusting and they were never finished. Many hosts laid out dates before their guests, but the guests would only take one, before realizing they don't like dates. And hence, dried dates became a big seller. And they had a great shelf life. To this day, you canfind dried dates in Israel from the early 800s, dried as they were then.

It happened in a grocery store named Plitzelas. It was a very popular store in 874, as it had two shelves full of food. A Frum Jew who was sinning, started eating dried fruit. He came and showed the dried fruit of Israel to everybody in Lvov. He was eating of the dried dates. Yet, there was no Pinchas to kill him. As he was sinning and being chastised, the truth came out. He was not eating dates. There was no pit. To quote Yievgenie, 'You fool. You would've chocked if that was a date. There are no pits. Let me show you how to eat a date.' And so, Yievgenie found a date and started to sin. And he was the first annoying person who felt the need to show somebody how to open a date the "right way."
As it turned out, the supposed sinner was eating apricots. Hence, he was not fulfilling the Mitzvah of eating of the seven fruits of Israel and blessing the fruits on Tu BShvat, and thus going to Gehenim (hell).

Dried dates became popular years later, once they added the walnuts inside. That was until Chaim found a way to pull out the walnuts. It was at that point that people started to just take and eat the walnuts.

Apricots Become Popular in Europe
Europeans are known for not knowing how to make decent food that is not meat.

In the late 1600s fruits of Israel were accepted in many communities of Europe. The Misnagdim said you can eat fruits of Israel outside of Israel as long as they're expensive.
Even so, many kept eating apricots. Shouts were heard in the streets during the month of Shvat, 'But apricots aren't from Israel.' To which Rabbi Pinchas Ben Mishehu said, 'But dried fruits are.' Rav Pinchas has no relation to Pinchas Ben Elazar, and thus didn't have to kill anybody to make his point (which would've been a Kidush H'- the community was very annoying).

Arguments continued for many years, as that was the tradition. One lay-leader said, as lay-leaders can be annoying, 'Tu BShvat is connected to the tradition of not eating new fruit from a tree that is less than three years old in Israel.' To which Rav Pinchas responded, 'Dried apricots don't grow on trees.'
But they do. And dried fruit trees were found. Old withered trees.
And the arguments continued, 'But apricots are not native to Israel. So Maser and Terumah and Orlah do not apply.' Yet, after much study and discourse it was concluded that apricots give you a stomach ache. And hence, they are like the dried fruit that grows on the trees of Israel. And thus like dried dates, which are native to Israel and grow from trees dried apricots are native to Israel, even though they are not from there. A Gezarah Shava of sorts.
They were Talmud scholars and were thus able to explain it. I cannot go into the full discourse now. I just know there was a lot of yelling and Rabba wasn't for using SO2.

The tradition of Tu BShvat now is to have a stomach ache. The holiday can also be celebrated with stomach cramps. Many Ashkenazim have the tradition to celebrate by drinking a gallon of milk. Though, dried apricots are a requirement. Dried apricots along with dried dates and milk is the best way to fulfill the Mitzvah of feeling nauseous.

There have been many arguments in communities around the world, but it all comes back to stomach aches. In Mesopotamia they noticed that eating raisins in bulk was killing their stomaches, and they thus agreed that grapes are one of the seven species of Israel. So, they eat raisins and apricots. To quote an excited Mesopotamian, 'Dried apricots also give me stomach aches. So it must be part of Tu BShvat tradition. They give me a stomach ache and diarrhea at the same time. When I eat them with raisins, my stomach never feels worse.'

Other Notes on the Holiday
Now, in Hebrew schools they teach the song 'Eretz Chitah uSorah vGefen uTe'enah,' and the kids have no idea what it means. So, they eat Tapuchim, because they know how to say it in Hebrew.
Others contended that money doesn't grow on trees. The Jewish National Fund took a big loss for that. Now they have a hard time convincing kindergartners to give them money to plant trees in Israel.

Dried olives didn't make it to the Tu BShvat Seder tradition, as they settle the stomach. However all forms of nuts made it into the holiday lexicon, especially almonds, as they kill your stomach.

Yievgenie had no idea how to open figs. Marcus was the first to show people how to eat dried figs. As it turns out, dried figs are very similar to not dried figs. Not dried figs are just not as dry. You can eat them as well on Tu BShvat.

It is now tradition to also share annoying jokes about nuts and dates in pun form.

Announcements
The Shabbat youth group weekend is happening again next week. Last time was a great success. Five teenagers showed and there were no issues in the shul. We are hoping for fewer teens this time.
 
Shabbis groups for the kids are now starting at 9am, when we start shul. The idea is to not have to see the kids in shul.
 
Please support the day school in their fundraiser. The kid needs it. We have seen what a lack of Jewish education has done to Michael.
 
Class on how gambling is idol worship will take place next Tuesday.
The rabbi doesn't support gambling. Yet, he's made it clear that it would be impossible for membership to give less money than they give right now. So, he is not worried about anybody losing money. A class on how to gamble right will follow, so that some of you might pay dues.
 
The bakery is back up and men in the back left section have put on weight.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
 
Support kids month… Sending them to the Jewish day school and paying tuition is not enough. I would like to get a new stereo system for my car…
 
(Shemot 10:1) 'H' tells Moshe, 'Go to Paroh for I have hardened his heart and the heart of his servants.' Why H' hardened the heart of board, I don't know. They're a Paroh to the shul. Like locusts in the chapel...
I've tried leaving, but they tell me I will not get paid... It's with these signs, the plagues, that the people can leave. But Paroh doesn't let everybody leave... The plague of the president and the sisterhood. They are always around. Covering the shul...
(10:8) Paroh asks who is going to go with them to serve H.' Paroh doesn't understand that you can never get away from the family. They follow you everywhere. Even worse, the congregants. They follow you everywhere... Paroh is thinking a holiday is celebrated away from the family. That's when you can have a good time. He doesn't understand Jewish life.
(10:9) Moshe tells Paroh that everybody is going for it is a Chag. We are all part of this congregation when it comes to celebrating... We have not had a Bar Mitzvah in while... Nobody wants to sponsor a Kiddish.. Not just the annoying people who have a hardened heart… A cheap heart. This congregation has a cheap, won't spend fifteen dollars on a babka heart... The bakery is open. Support them. We've had enough packaged babka. It's time to get the fresh babka back... Even if it costs an extra thirteen dollars...
It wasn't a shul picnic. The holidays is when everybody joins. We should leave the family out of the shul BBQs... When everybody goes on that it is very annoying. You can't even get a burger... The shul ski trip is even worse. We lost eight kids on that. You don't take kids with you to lose them...
 
The whole congregation includes the youth. But they go to groups. They went out with us too... They definitely had youth groups. You don't want them around... You can't leave them.
Teenagers don't come to shul. They sleep... I don't know if they left Egypt with everybody. I think they tried leaving them behind... They would've been complaining the whole trip... 'It says 'children and elders... women...' It leaves out teenagers.
Have you ever tried having a peaceful holiday with teenagers??? There is a reason for youth groups.
The best youth weekend we had was when no youth came. Rachel was the happiest I have ever seen as the head of the sisterhood...
Shabbis groups for the kids is different... The idea is to take the little ones to shul and to keep them away from the congregation. Drop them off away from the shul, in a room on the other side... They come because it is dangerous to leave them at home alone...

The pasuk continues, (Shemot 10:1) H' hardens their hearts so His signs can be seen in their midst... I just hope you can see H's signs in this congregation. Signs of what not to do. How not to treat a rabbi.
There is no Kiddish... H' with the board

Being scared is worshiping idols. Seeing H' and His signs are worshiping H'... ‘Do you worship idols? Then come tonight’… I did not come up with that ad.
 
We can celebrate with a good Kiddish finally. The bakery is good for Pareve cakes… No butter. It’s not easy... Yet. You choose to not see H's signs and you harden your own heart. You worship your being bad congregants...
You and your hardened hearts. And I still get across the message that you do everything wrong. Manifesting H' even with your teenagers and disappointing Enetenmann's Kiddishes, worshiping packaged cakes...

Why did H' have Moshe and Aharon speak to Paroh when his heart was hardened? It would've been easier to talk to Paroh when he was willing to listen. Catch Paroh at a time where he wasn't contrary. But that is how H' is manifest. When we push through hardness... This is why I give sermons to you. I have not met a not hardened heart in this shul. A congregation of hardened hearts.
I know H' is in our midst when I see all the angry faces in the women's section...
If there were decent baked goods for Kiddish, you wouldn't be so angry. You would have softer hearts. Hearts like a good sponge cake...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi said that if H' gave Paroh the plague of the board and the sisterhood he would've let the Jews go right away.
 
Nobody wants teens in shul.
Some of the little kids still come into the shul. They cling to their parents. The only way to get them out of the shul is to give them more candy. They don't have enough candy at Shabbis groups.
The youth director is about to quit. She can't stand that the parents throw all their issues on her. She calls the kids 'issues.'
If you have candy, these kids will do whatever you want. They’ll jump. They’ll even sit. Lollypops are like kiddie biscuits.She doesn't get it. If she gave the kids more sweets they would relax. The more sugar you give kids the less they run around, and the more they listen.

The shul is too focused on kids now. It was decided to make July kids month, so that the parents can be encouraged to send them to camp and we don't have to see them.
The fight for kids month went on for a while, as many contended 'their plight must be heard.' Most parents didn't agree with that, as they wanted to get sleep. Some people wanted to cancel kids month altogether, but we couldn't do that. Even if the kids are racist, we can't cancel them.
I am just sick of giving money to the kids. What is their plight anyways? More recess. I think we have to take the message from the Parsha and ask why the little kids are here when it's not a holiday?
 
A bunch of idol worshipers came to shul because of the email ad. The ad, ‘Do you worship idols? Then come tonight,’ did draw people's attention. Yet, it did not have the right message for the non-heathens.
 
The rabbi didn’t say anything about better parenting. He has given up on that. He realizes he’ll get money from the parents before expecting them to be decent people.
 
I get my pastry at the supermarket. It’s a twelfth of the price. I don’t need fresh cake when I am saving up for a decent vacation.
And the supermarket babka is much better a week later. It's the kind of freshness that doesn’t go away for a few months. That’s good fresh. The kind of coagulated sugar freshness. I love those cakes. The problem is they're serving the Entenmann's cakes too soon. They need to serve them closer to the expiration date.
The Melaveh Malka should’ve had bakery babka though. That would've been nice last week. The bakery babka is more Jewish and a Melaveh Malka is Jewish. That's what the rabbi said.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane to our trip to Israel, shopping for a brand named after the sale and skewer safety, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his shopping experience at Walmart.

Looking good when praying in shul is not easy. It's an art, and few have mastered it. Today we will focus on the art of Davening.
Davening is the correct word. If you're going to be Frum, learn the word. It's not prayer. It's Davening. It's definitely not Tefillah. Tefillah is what nonFrum Israelis do. We're not trying to be Dati Leumi. We're trying to look good at a shul. So, here's how to Daven.

Clapp the Table
Clapp means to hit. You hit the table. Give it a zetz. The shows you know what's going  on. Middle of your prayers, randomly smack a table. You don't have to wait for the Gabi to do this. You hit a table and you show you're making decisions, appointing yourself the Gabai.
You can never hit the table too much. Hitting a table works for being the first one to answer at Shomer Shabbis game shows. At worst, they'll think you're starting a Nigun. And everybody loves breaking into song during the silent Amidah prayer.

Know When To Be Loud
When you say 'LMan Tizkru' in the Shema prayer, be loud and schlep out the 'z.' It just looks good. When saying the words 'Ya'aleh vYavo' in the Amidah, be loud. It shows you remembered it's Rosh Chodesh and that looks good. You get holy status right away for that. However, be sure to be the first Ya'aleh vYavo guy. The first guy to reach it is the only one who gets credit. Hence, I suggest to skip the first half of the Amidah and just say Ya'aleh vYavo as fast as you can.

Know When to Yell At People
Guy reading the Torah messes up a word, yell at him. This is very important. Most people just yell the correct words at the guy. That's passive aggressive. I suggest to berate him correctly and call him an idiot. A good line can be, 'You fool. Next time practice. You're killing the Davening... Oy!!!' A loud 'oy' of disapproval can truly help you climb a rung on the shul status stairs to the Bima.
At the end of Davening you can also yell out 'Kiddish.' Truth is you should just be loud whenever you have a chance, and yell at anybody you can. It helps with being noticed. Be very loud and bang things. And remember, the worse somebody else feels, the closer you're bringing them to Gd.

Be Fast When You See Hebrew Letters
Be fast and mumble.
If you're the loser that keeps everybody waiting at Hatarat Nedarim, when a group reads their statement to annul their vows, you're not Frum. You might have grown up in a Frum family but you're not Frum. You enunciate too much.
Never enunciate. Good Jews mumble when they talk. This way it always looks like they're praying, even when they are having a conversation.

Sing Whatever You Know
Don't worry about the tune. Nobody in my shul knows the tunes. Come to think of it, they must all think they're harmonizing. Whatever it is, it sounds bad. They're just singing different songs. It's horrendous.
U2’s ‘With or Without You’ works as great harmony for all of the songs you will hear. Don't worry. If you stick to 80s pop music it will sound good. Most of the harmony in shul is a beat off and not to the tune anyways.
 
Close Your Eyes
It will look like you are very penitent. Do not worry about knowing words here either. There is something about closing the eyes that shows people you do not know where the congregation is at in the Siddur, and that is spiritual.
 
Show Up Late
That shows you're comfortable in shul.

Know the Choreography
You take three steps back and three steps forward when starting and ending the silent Amidah prayer.
Follow the congregation. That is it. Three small steps. Do not get too excited by the dance. Do not put your right-hand in. Do not take your right-hand out. You start shaking it all about and people write you off as a somebody who goes clubbing.
 
Go Loud In Your Prayers Every Once in A While
Your praying should have a part where you get higher. Peaks and valleys. Very important. Who cares that you don’t speak or understand Hebrew. Mumble in a loud tone every couple of minutes and you are speaking Yiddish. Go high-pitch loud-tone with your eyes closed, and penitence sets in.
Do not do this for the silent prayer, unless if you are yelling 'Ya'aleh vYavo.' It is silent. Again, follow the other people, if they are silent, you should be too. If they are talking, you should also be telling everybody about your winter vacation plans to Florida.

Never Ask Anybody What Page We're On
Look over their shoulder. Peer into their Siddur. Even ruffle their pages. But never ask anybody the page. It's better to flip your Siddur open and have them thinking you're doing Yom Kippur prayers early. If you're in the wrong Parsha in the Chumash, that's OK. They'll think your Frum and you're learning instead of following the Torah reading. Learning is more Frum than following the Torah reading.

I hope this helps. And remember, looking good when Davening has nothing to do with knowing what any words mean. Just move your mouth and know when to get loud. That's enough. You don't have to know Hebrew to use a Hebrew Siddur confidently. And when you walk into that shul, you walk in with confidence and yell at people. And you be the one to hit people with the Tallis. Take the first shot.

Next time we will go into further detail of how to look penitent. We will discuss the main techniques like how to close your eyes and squint correctly, and how to look very serious like a loved one just passed. We will also go into detail as to how to bow correctly.

Announcements
We are going to keep sending a lot of emails to remind you about events that we reminded you about. The emails will be the day of and the week of. And the week of too. There will be three emails the week of every program. We will also send emails for Shabbis. It appears the congregants of our shul forget about that.
Note that will be seen in emails: Shabbat is every Friday night and Saturday. Every week.
 
There will be no trip to Israel this year. Instead, we'll be going to Nashville. It’s a tourist spot and Jews like going there. The members want a vacation. To quote Bernie: ‘If I get away from stuff and have to see Jews, that’s not getting away from stuff.’ For this reason, people will go alone on this year's shul trip. You can book through Orbitz or Travelocity and not have to see other members on the shul trip.
 
Melaveh Malka Program will happen after Shabbat, to escort Shabbat out with food. That means there will be a fourth Shabbat meal. Right after Shabbat, you will have to eat more.
We will send out emails about the Melaveh Malka, the bakery being open and the Israel trip to Nashville.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils…
 
(Shemot 6:9) 'Moshe spoke this to Bnei Yisrael and they didn't listen to him due to shortness of breath and hard work.' Man. This congregation is lazy... The people didn't listen to Moshe because of shortness of breath. When you're out of shape like Eve... This congregation is just out of shape.
The congregants are not suffering from hard labor. Nobody in this shul works... I am talking manual labor. The kind of labor which translates to help in the shul kitchen. Maybe somebody leading in services every once in a while... You don't help. When it came to building the Sukkah… Because you’re always out of breath. You’re out of shape. There is no other explanation for why this congregation is so lazy... Reading an email is not labor, and you don't even do that...  That's why we send them all the time. Because you don't read them...
You called me a Paroh when I asked you to help build the Sukkah...
Not one member volunteered.

The Chanukah party was 'serve yourself'... It was buffet because nobody helped. Not one volunteer. The table was not even set up. People had to take their latkes from the oven... It was a catered event. You don’t sell a catered event where the people have to take their own food out of the oven... The youth even had to go in. I saw Tina and Chaim passing oven mitts to each other. Third graders with oven mittens... Nothing to do with the winter, Fran.

I now understand why none of you read the announcements or listen to my sermons, or help. This is the most out of shape congregation... Everybody up…
No. Exercise is good labor. You get breath from exercise... You have really taken this slavery thing way too far. You can go to the gym... It was 4,000 years ago. You can workout now. They didn't have gyms in Egypt...

Too many emails??? You don’t show up. That’s why we send them… Exactly. Even when we tell you the day before, you forget. We have to send it once the program starts… You only show up to stuff late. I know that, because none of you have ever shown up to Davening on time...
Kotzer Ruach (shortness of breath) should not be happening when you're walking up for an Aliyah...
I am tired of sending of the emails. I have Kotzer Ruach from sending emails.
Shabbat is every weekend. It doesn't change... I have to send an email because you people... If you know. Why don't you come?!... If we had the money, we would send a calendar every week. But it's emails... Can't you just hang a calendar in the kitchen that tells you to go to shul every once in a while??? Maybe something that also tells you to go to Israel, because you're Jewish...
 
You go to Israel. How is the shul trip not in Israel? Who took Israel out of the Jewish people? Do I need to send an email to the board to let them know that Israel is the Jewish homeland?!..
Well. When did you get rid of Israel???
I am going to Israel, because I am Jewish...
 
Now we need an email for the Melaveh Malka too?! It's right after Shabbis... I can't send emails on Shabbis. If you knew it was Shabbis, you would know that...
You should come for the Melaveh Malka. It’s for your mom’s memory… You didn’t see it? What do you mean you don’t read the emails? It’s up to you to find it in there... You're flying out after Shabbis. How are you going to skip your mother's Melaveh Malka?... Not knowing is not an excuse...
A Melaveh Malka happens when you do a Melaveh Malka. That’s the program… You don’t do a Melaveh Malka when you’re welcoming Shabbis… Because the Shabbis queen is being ushered in, not escorted out… Yes. You have to eat after Shabbat too. You have to eat more...
 
And Kiddish was shvach again. No decent baked goods. Do we have to send emails that the bakery is open and you should sponsor a decent Kiddish… No. You don’t sponsor Kiddish. You sponsor a good Kiddish. A Kiddish with decent baked goods. Not Kichel...
 
(Shemot 6:6-8) H' hears our cries and he tells us that He will bring us out, save us, redeem us, and take us from Egypt. Save us from the harsh work.... You are my Egypt.
I am praying Gd hears my cries and redeems me from here... This is why I am going to Israel. As H's last aspect of redemption, 'And I will bring you to the land...' And you guys are doing a shul trip to Nashville. I am redeemed...
In Israel, people walk. Health. They're not out of breath...
 
Now they’re crying… Kim. Please come back up. They're falling asleep again. I think Max is out of breath form sitting... It's not hard work to sit. You should not be sweating from your seat... Bernie has been tired for years. Sleeping again during the sermon...
This congregation is hard work... Help. Please. Just help.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi had us doing calisthenics in the middle of the Sermon. The aerobics instructor of the JCC had people reaching side to side. In the middle of the sermon, we heard 'And side to side. And to the left. And to the right. And back. And side.' She must have said 'and' thirty times. Some members confused the grapevine for Simcha dancing.
The rabbi then required all congregants to get blood tests and eight hours of sleep a night, so they would listen to his sermons. He even told people to walk to shul, so they won’t be disgusting. I thought it was a great Kiruv move.
 
The rabbi told people to stop working, so they can be better Jews. His message was to stop working and to start working out. I think they misunderstood him though, as he was talking about not working on Shabbat. Now we're stuck with more congregants not paying their dues, and driving to shul on Shabbis. They forgot about the rabbi's message about walking to shul to not be disgusting. They argued that walking is work.
There is now preDavening mandatory weight lifting. The rabbi is now showing up to weekday Shacharit in a singlet.
 
That catered event should've been catered. Thirty dollars to take my own latke out of the oven was a bit much.
 
Emails are out of control. They’re now doing three a days. I think the office manager was a football player. Maybe it's part of the rabbi's new exercise routine.
They’re announcing everything. They’re even announcing Shiva times. Now Shiva is a regular service at the place.
I am against the rabbi on the emails. And if people don't read the emails, why are they sending them. That's not logic to me. And yes, the shul's emails go straight to my spam. I did it. I support the rabbi and I push everything from his office straight to spam. I even told Gmail that what he sends is spam. I support his sermons and what he does for the community, but online I am against him.
 
Israel was taken out of the shul’s policy. Not part of the focus anymore.
The board cancelled the trip. They said that it was more popular to go other places. Using Pesach hotels as an example, the board argued Jews should go to Cancun before going to Israel.
The board also made it clear that for the pilgrimage festivals you’re supposed to go to places that have decent prices on hotels. We are going to Morocco this year for Pesach. I don’t know if you can bring sacrifices there. But it's a good deal.
Kosher cruises are an anomaly to me. That's something I can't figure out. Why people would try to get away and still have to go to Minyin.
 
When people got back from the shul trip, they were so happy. I think this was the first shul trip people enjoyed. People were ecstatic. It was decided that from now on, for people's enjoyment, shul trips will be without people from the shul.
To get away from the congregants some of the members went to Israel with the rabbi. They said they would rather be around Jews than members of our shul. The rabbi agreed, saying, ‘I will go anywhere to get away from members of the board.’
 
Nobody heard about the Melaveh Malka program in memory of Sue. Her children didn’t know and the president blamed them for not coming. Let me be honest. Nobody reads the emails. They should've called Sue's kids.
Truth is you can’t find anything in the announcements. There are fifteen flyers. Sue's was the forest green. Sue’s name was written in forest green on a forest green flyer, in the middle of flyers for junior congregation and a shul trip to get away from shul.
Nobody knew what a Melaveh Malka is anyways. Nobody knew about eating after Shabbis. That was a shocker to me too. Most of the members were complaining that it was too much to have to eat three huge meals on Shabbis. They claimed to eat another meal was crazy. They said that if they eat another meal they'll be out of shape.

Others were to be blessed by Yakov and non-central flowing water. H' told him they will be blessed 'by you and your offspring.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Offspring. His children are offspring. Ot it's a spring somewhere out in the middle of nowhere. Off the path. Spring off. Offspring. It might be a spring in the bed mattress that isn't doing it's job. A spring that is off.
 
Kashrus Alert: If you are going to smoke marijuana make sure it is Pot Yisroel! (Mordechai)
You get it? Pot is pot. It is also bread. People eat Pas Yisrael. Or Pat Yisrael. Here he's talking about cannabis. A religious pot smoker. It's a pun. We're not supporting pot. Please note, we also don't support puns about pot and cookware.

When Yosef visited his brothers, everybody was down in the pits. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? The brothers were probably 'down in the pits.' They threw Yosef in the pit. Hearing they threw Yosef in the pit got me down in the pits. Hopefully they didn't have avocados down there. Those have very big pits. Fruit pit. Pit pit. In the pits. Pits in avocados.
 
Paroh was sleeping for two years. As the Torah says, 'MiKeitz Shenataim.' (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? 'Miketz Shenataim' means at the end of two year. 'Sheina'' means sleep. Use Shenataim for both words. Put it together and you have 'at the end of two years of sleeping.' That's a long nap. And you can use that Shena and Shenataim pun anytime you hear sleep in Hebrew... It's good we have Rashi.

What do Chasidim with a red bekishe sing? 'Jingle Belz.' (Mordechai)
You get it? The Belz Chasidic dynasty. 'Jingle Bells' is the song sung on Christmas. Jews don't sing that. They would sing about Belz. The Chasidim. 'Jingle Belz.' Still a jingle.
 
Mitzrayim fell apart because they were serving bad juice. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Mitz, juice. Ra'im, bad. Bad juice. Bazooka Joe should use that one. It's good, and can help people learn Hebrew. Bazooka Joe has a duty to educate the children.
 
The work the slaves did was nothing close to as labor intensive as Miriam and Yocheved's task. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? Work and being told to kill newborn boys. Yocheved and Miriam, Shifrah and Puah the midwives, were told to kill the Jewish babies. Intense. Labor and labor. The pun is in the word labor.

Many people are scared to go to shul. They say they feel out of place. I am here to tell you 'don't feel out of place.' Everybody feels out of place when Bernie starts telling his jokes again. Here are a few tips for finding your way around shul and understanding the services, looking like you know what is going on, and most importantly, looking good.
Take the knowledge and some of these tips, and you too will look like a regular congregant.
 
Say 'Yasher Koyach' to Everybody
It sounds like you know what is going on. This is generally said after somebody gets an honor, kind of like saying ‘Good job.’ We do not say ‘good job,’ as the person probably messed up. Instead, you say ‘Yasher Koyach,’ and you have fulfilled a religious obligation of acknowledging the fact that the beadle (gabbai) didn’t give you the honor.
Some say 'Yashkoyach.' Some say 'Yashkoych.' Some have no idea what they're saying. They just yawn with a strong 'Y' sound in front of it. Better yet. Instead of messing up the pronunciation, don’t say anything. Just shake everybody’s hand. People will appreciate this, as most of them have run for office.
Be sure to say it to everybody. I'm usually sleeping when they call up the people to the Torah. I have no idea who I'm saying Yasher Koyach to. I can't tell you how many people I've given a Yasher Koyach to for going to the bathroom during Torah reading. In Sefardic Jewish tradition, they say ‘Chazak uBrachuch' when somebody comes back from the bathroom.
 
Tell Somebody Looking for a Seat ‘That is My Seat’
By telling people where they can’t sit, you solidify your shul membership. Gangs sometimes force somebody to commit a crime in order to gain full gang affiliation. In shul, you just have to make another person feel very uncomfortable. Some synagogues have the hazing ritual, where you are forced to go over to somebody else during the Kiddish (post service snack time) and start an uncomfortable conversation that goes nowhere for 10 minutes. Listening to Bernie's jokes is a prerequisite for shul affiliation.
To note, the best practice is to say, 'You're in my seat.' This way they know you are not friendly, and they are in an unwelcoming atmosphere. Once you get it down you will be part of the inner-circle, and you'll be getting high fives at Kiddish.
And don't worry. If the shul is empty and they sit somewhere else, tell them it's Sid's seat. During the year, you're allowed to kick them out of chairs that people reserve for High Holidays, even if Sid only shows up for Yom Kippur. The goal is discomfort.
 
If Somebody Hits a Table, Do Not Get Scared
The Gabbai is generally the one that hits the table. It is the sign that a special prayer should be added into the silent prayer. What it is? Nobody knows. Maybe you have a birthday coming up. Most of the time it is used to let people know to add the prayer for the new month (Rosh Chodesh). The bang ensures that they will all add the prayer, due to fear.
If you jump out of fear, or a shocked that a ninety year old is going to get violent, you've never been to shul and seen a Gabai mess up the order of the Aliyahs.
You can also bang a table to scare somebody into leaving a seat they feel comfortable in.

Watch Out for the Tallis
The prayer shawl (Tallis) has tassels on all corners. Be careful. Safety comes first with Rabbi David.
When people are putting on their Tallis, duck. Duck as fast as you can. These people will not take your safety into account when they're swinging the tassels. They swing them fast and hard and wide. They're going for your face, and they will extend their arms wide if they have to.
This is why everybody bows during Aleiynu, at the end of the service. It is at that moment that people are taking off their Tallis, yet again, swinging it, already knowing that they hit you earlier when putting it on. This is also why so many Frum Jews wear glasses.
If you get wounded by a Tallis, everybody will know you're a rookie who doesn't know how to slip a tassel, and you're going to look pathetic. Also, if you can, try to injure somebody with your Tallis. The less you have control of your Tallis the more it shows your seasoned understanding of the synagogue.
 
Smile When People Say 'Hi' To You
They are part of the welcoming committee. They don't want to, but they have been appointed to the position of having to be nice to you. Take the meal when they invite you. As a beginner you probably haven’t learned to cook a decent choolante yet. You might as well get something out of their position on the committee.
 
You might end up in a congregation where people say ‘Shabbat Shalom,’ smile, offer you a seat, announce pages, have one person correcting the Torah reader very politely, while they all sing together in unison and don’t try to hit you with their Tallis. If that is the case, you are on your own. I cannot teach you how to navigate around that kind of service. I don't even know if that's Jewish.
Next time we will talk about proper Davening Techniques to look good and penitent. In time, we will also be dealing with Kiddish, proper dress, how to go up to the Torah with a long list of people you want to bless in order to get the congregation mad, and how to fall asleep while the rabbi is talking.