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Throughout the ages shuls have hosted Chanukah parties. And I have taken notes. Here are some of the important ingredients to making the traditional shul Chanukah party a success.
Call it a Gala What makes it a gala event? No idea. Why do we serve 'delicacies'? That's what Frum Jews call it. Always use words like deluxe, delicacies and gala to describe your use of plasticware. Deluxe describes everything Frum. Nothing is better than Tuv Taam deluxe tuna fish. The word 'deluxe' brings up the tuna and mayonnaise to a level above salmon. How 'deluxe' made it into the Yiddish lexicon? No idea. It's Yiddish. Festivate Your Table All tables should have paper plates coated in Chanukah festivities. It should feel like a birthday party without cone hats. And as Frum Jews we celebrate with disposable dishware. One cannot celebrate, serve H', and worry about the environment at the same time. Streamers help festivate as well, as you can throw them out after the gala. To celebrate the table should also have a bunch of chocolate Chanukah Gelt. What are we celebrating? Oil. And you celebrate that with chocolate coins. Chocolate coins also adds to the galaness of the evening. Menorah Lighting You want to start the program with a Chanukiah lighting. Depending on how religious your congregation is, will dictate how much of a ceremony it is. If you're a very nonFrum congregation, you will want to call it a Menorah Lighting Ceremony. If you're a very Frum shul, you'll want to call it a Lichting. Preferably, a Deluxe Lichting Gala. That's a full sentence in Yiddish. At the Lichting you'll say the Bracha and everybody else will be talking. At the Lichting, you also will not find yourself dedicating each candle to a dear member of the congregation who you hope died already. Note: If you're a not Frum congregation, do not have the Chanukah party on the first night. Only lighting one candle will kill the ceremony. If you're in a bind, light eight candles on the first night and tell them it's the last day of Chanukah. It's only time before the reform community takes Chanukah down to one day as well. It will happen as soon as the gifts get worse. Gifts for Kids All kids should have gifts. And all gifts should be bought at the Dollar Tree. If you don't have a Dollar Tree near you, Five Below has a dollar bin area. You can give the children of the congregation Silly Putty from there as well. No child should receive any Chanukah gift that they will enjoy for more than three minutes. If you have a holiday party at a Jewish nonprofit organization, be sure to have a Secret Shlomo. This way people can feel like they're not doing something Jewish. You may want to also host your Jewish nonprofit Chanukah party on Christmas. If you're doing a secret gift giving thing for the kids at shul, you should probably call it a Secret Santa. This way the children won't blame Jews for the bad gifts. Bouncy House That's what you need to bring Jews. Jews are about tradition. Chinese Auction Or you can call it a basket raffle. But that wouldn't offend Asians. What to raffle off at a Chinese auction? Shabbat Challah trays. Kiddish cups. Netilat Yadaim cups. Yarmulkes. All things that are made in China. A Dreidel Spinoff If your child walks away from Chanukah and does not know how to play roulette, something is wrong with the Jewish education that child is receiving. At my father's shul A"H they had a huge Dreidel. My father A"H would spin the Dreidel and the kids would put their Gelt on whatever letter they figured the Dreidel would end up on. That is what we know as Chinuch, Jewish education. Latkes If your shul does not smell disgusting, you have not hosted a proper Chanukah party. The shul should smell disgusting and people should leave feeling disgusting. That is how you know it was a successful gala. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Chanukah Gala program will include a Chinese Auction. It will also include latkes and a Dreidel gambling circle. All children are expected to attend. They should all have a Dreidel experience. Parent Child Learning this week will include a psychologist, a social worker and a representative from child services. We have noticed a lot of parents who are not impressed with their children’s Gemara skills. We remind you that the children are only in elementary school. They still have not learned Rashi script. Please don’t make Shlomo look bad again. Our children are dependent on a decent Secret Shlomo this year. To quote the kids at youth group last Shabbat: ‘We are not expecting anything decent from our parents. Their gifts are pathetic. We are praying that Secret Shlomo loves us more than our parents and buys us decent gifts.' Rosh Chodesh is Wednesday. Please show up to shul. We understand it’s a long Davening. Please don’t pretend like you’re sick again. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... VaYeshev... He wasn’t just sitting. Yaakov wasn’t lazy like the president of our board... Did you settle Israel? No. Exactly. Yaakov settled in the land of his fathers... Far Rockaway is a good area too. (Bereishit 37:14) Yosef is told by his father to check on his brother’s 'Shalom.' He went for peace. Kind of like the way I came to the shul. The way I was hired as rabbi. At the time, I didn’t know there would be a Gabai and a president... (37:17) The man Yosef sees in Shechem tells him his brothers went to Dotan. The Midrash teachs that Dotan comes from the word ‘Dat’ which means law... I know it means religion in modern Hebrew... Because there are laws, Bernie. If you kept the Mitzvot, you would understand our religion is about keeping laws. Not driving to shul on Shabbis... 'Law' meaning ‘they are seeking legal advice to put you to death'... How many religious people have died? A lot, Bernie. Yosef's brothers were looking to find a legal way to kill him... I have nothing to do with the last president that we have not seen in many years... You can’t have Shalom and judgement together. You can’t have a kind rabbi who loves the people and a shul board... We need peace. We need honesty. We need a simple shul that does stuff right, unlike our board. We need a reason to not judge each other... You guys mess up so much. You lie. You ruin Chanukah... You weren’t sick. We saw you shopping at the mall and working out... You just didn’t want to go to Davening. There is no Shalom if there is no Minyin. If we can't pray together... I can't pray with Bernie and Merv because they're chuching the whole time... You overdo everything. A Gala? What is the gala? Latkes do not make a gala. And a Chinese auction??? Why not call it a raffle... It’s offensive to Chinese people. Shalom with the Asian community... You guys jump the gun with your children. Take it easy... Why don’t you learn how to learn Sam?! Before yelling at your kid for not knowing the Sugiah of Shnaim Ochzin, maybe you should stop fighting over Tallises with people. If you want Shalom, maybe you'll stop whacking people with the tassels. Learn how to put on the thing... The brothers see Yosef and say 'let’s kill him, or buy him really bad gifts'... It’s the same thing. Getting a Rubik’s Cube for Chanukah... Who is Rubik?! How about you buy better gifts for your kids... Nobody knew that Shlomo secretively buys really bad gifts. If you buy your children decent gifts they’ll love you. They will not want to kill you... That's why they yell all the time. Bad gifts. I feel abused by you. The gifts you give me are so pathetic. If family services came to this shul, they would take me away to another shul... And the Dreidel. Now we have eight year olds showing up to gamblers anonymous. (37:17) The man thus began by teling Yosef, ‘They have journeyed on from here.’ Rashi teaches, ‘They have left themselves from brotherhood.’ There is no peace here. Yosef was looking for peace. He found really bad gifts. He found a congregation who hosts gala events with a Rukik's Cube as a prize... A gym membership would be a good gift, if our members used it to get in shape and not skip shul... Rivka's Rundown It’s pathetic how the members have to pretend that they’re sick to not show up to shul. The Gala event had a bouncy house. That is what constitutes class in our shul. I believe churches and synagogues have Chinese auction to keep Asians from converting. We had a Chinese Auction to offend Asians. The rabbi wants Shalom with the Asian community of Topeka. He told them that Chinese is another word for raffle. Now we have a few new members from Beijing. We have a lot of gambling addicts in our shul. And they wonder why. I told them to stop with the Dreidel. Why AA and GA are always in churches is an anomoly. Saint Catheran's has more Jews from our shul going there for gamblers anonymous than we see on Shabbis. If we had GA in our shul and the Minyin saw them, there is no way anybody would be anonymous. If Shirley saw them, everybody would know. Nobody showed up to Parent Child Learning. The parents want to help their kids advance too much. They have aspirations for their children, and that means abuse. At least it means a lot of crying. Kids cry when their parents have hope, and they give bad gifts. Parents were worried they would have to deal with their kids crying about the Chanukah gifts. And child services would break up families due to lack of electronics. A lot of screaming at shul. Believing your child is smart is abusive. Unless if you give them drones. Decent gifts do equal love. That was what the rabbi was teaching us. Even if your parents are broke, if they love you, they’ll buy a good gift. The shul apologized for the Secret Shlomo. From now on, they will not trust the congregants with gift giving. There is a lot of hatred in our shul. Not much Shalom. I don't even hear 'Shabbat Shalom.' They just say 'Good Shabbis' now. People judging each other in our shul is well deserved. If we can find a way to ligellay take action against people paying dues, that will be appreciated. People literaly hit others with their Tallis. There is no legal justification for that. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXVIII12/9/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to support for Israel by wearing Tzizit or a flag, and the joy of lighting Chanukah candles within the reach of babies, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about chocolate covered coins that everybody else likes.
Wearing Israeli flags. Showing their support for Israel at the rally in DC. It would’ve been smarter if they brought coats. Based on my experience as a Zionist, flags don’t work as good windbreakers... Now looking at it. All the people with jackets don't truly care. The real supporters of Israel don't need coats.
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Bad Chanukah Gifts I Got This Year12/8/2023
And I got more bad gifts this year. And people are still telling me it's the thought that counts. If you ever find yourself saying ‘it’s the thought that counts,’ that is a bad gift. That being said, here are some of the gifts I got.
Before we get into the gifts, I want to say, 'Thank you for thinking of me.' Pasta Pusher Has anybody ever made pasta that was not from a bag?! Exactly. If there was a pasta pusher that pushed pasta into something that cooked it for me, with no thought, that would be a worthwhile gift. I appreciate the appliance. I will forever keep it in my storage. Gift Certificate I still haven’t used the gift certificates you got me for my Bar Mitzvah. Next time, give me currency with a stamp on it that says ‘Expired.’ That is what is going to happen to the gift card. Either that, or a piece of paper that says, 'You will lose this.' And how much thought did you put into the gift certificate when you were online to check out at the Christmas Tree Shops. A Fitted Shirt & Tight Pants Somebody thought this might help me meet a woman. Fitted shirts look good when they fit. That shirt didn’t fit me. Neither did the skinny pants. The size 38 pants were smaller than size 38 pants. They should’ve marked them 34s, like they were, and sold them to me as four sizes too small. I am hoping they pay for my Weight Watchers membership this year, so I can fit into the pants. That would be a decent gift. Stuff to not buy teenagers, because it makes them annoying: Skinny Pants, UGGs, anything tiny with a screen on it. A Paisley Shirt Sorry. The bad gifts reminded me of the paisley. This was not a gift. This was a hand-me-down. This was something my dad didn’t want. Paisley has been out of style since the 1970s and The Salvation Army didn’t want it either. My parents forgot to pick up a gift for me that year. It was the worst year of my life. I wore it as smock. The whole class thought I splatter painted my shirt. My parents didn’t even wrap it up. They didn't even say, 'Chanukah Sameach.' It was given to me with a simple command of, ‘Try it on.’ Challah Cover That is usually a wedding gift. I got the point. My family wants me to get married. They could have just said something. Even people getting married don’t appreciate Challah covers. They don’t need more than four of them. If you are purchasing a wedding gift, check out the registry. I have never seen a registry with Challah covers. Why Bed Bath & Beyond doesn't sell Challah covers bothers me too. Chanukah Registry I am starting this to help. My way of giving back to the children of our next generation who did not get a drone this year. You all deserve a camera that flies without concern for privacy. There is no reason you should be getting clothes for Chanukah. The registry will only consist of stuff that flies, video games and phone accessories. I feel for our children who want a decent gaming system. The Thought Does Count is the Lesson When purchasing Chanukah gifts this year, put a little more thought into it. Maybe think a little more. Think to yourself, ‘What would make a gift that somebody would enjoy? Something meaningful?’ I am assuming that if you think a little more, you will come to the conclusion that you should get them money. I love every one of the gifts I received over the years, because it's from the people I love. With the gifts I have received, I do question if you truly love me. Maybe it's just mistakes. Many of you think that buying something for the person that they would never think about purchasing themselves is the way to go. There's a reason I don't pick up pasta pushers. Remember ‘It is the thought that counts.’ So, bring out the holiday spirit in your loved ones and give money. To note: chocolate coins don’t count as legal tender. Though it may appear that I am not happy with the slap on bracelet that cut into my arm, I appreciate everything you got for me. I also love the pen you bought me. As you know I am at work a lot, I will take that BIC classic medium point wherever I go. Along with the ink stain. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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You can make reservations for the shul Chanukah party by contacting the office. Do not bother the president. He is an angry person. The shul Secret Shlomo will have certain gifts that are not allowed. Due to how bad your gift choices have been the past many years, here is a list of gifts you can’t give that the rabbi will discuss at Temporary Halacha Class: The paddle with a ball attached, socks you stitched, sweaters you knitted, chocolate coins that are dairy... The Mikvah cleaning project will start this Wednesday at 2pm. We want to thank the sisterhood for organizing the event. It’s promised to be an exciting day of cleaning. No more giving Divrei Torah without consent. Many congregants have been complaining about abuse at Kiddish, having to hear Torah thoughts while eating herring. We hired a rabbi for a reason. Divrei Torah are relegated to sermon. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My People... Yes. You are my people. You mess up. But you're my people. My flock... You give gifts. It’s part of making peace. Shalom. That’s what Yaakov gave Esav, to appease him. Something. You give something. You try. You pay your dues every once in a while... (Bereishit 32:14) ‘And he took from what came to his hand, a tribute to Esav.’ You can give me from your house. A nice vase. A coffee table. A lawnmower. Nobody gives gifts here. That’s why there are always fights in the shul... I understand you’re the Gabai. If you gave a gift instead of an Aliyah, they would like you. If you gave them a Sudoku puzzle pad... I don’t even get Chanukah gifts from you. That's why I don't like you. That's why I can't stand the board... Maybe a raise. That’s a gift... Yaakov seperated the gifts. It’s more exciting. That’s why you give gifts each noight of Chanukah. That’s why your kids don’t like Judaisim. Bad gifts... If Yaakov gave Esav chocolate coins, he’d hate Jews more... Dairy chocolate coins. Not even the dark chocolate ones. This is what you give. I have never opened a dairy chocolate coin and not had it melted before it was in my mouth... Licking your fingers like Bernie flipping a page in the Siddur is disgusting... Chocolate coins are not a gift. They're not even money. I learned that the hard way. You feel like a fool when you're ten years old, trying to buy a Slurpee with chocolate coins... Slurpees would be a better gift. I would be happy with oxen. Camels... Yaakov plans his meeting with Esav. Yaakov seperates his family. There would be more peace in shul if we seperated the shul... We should split the shul. Unimportant ones first... I am sending you away from me... I would have sent the president first. A very angry person You have never made plans before in your life... Every Chanukah program, you show up and you expect a spot. Kids have went without latkes because of you... Because they didn't make the twenty extra latkes you devour Menachem... Your Chanukah gifts are not a plan. Unless if that plan is to make people unhappy. Socks you stitched are not a gift. They fall every time... because there is no elastic in them. I need a rubber band to keep it up... No. Rubber bands don't look good. And knitting a sweater?! This isn't Christmas... No. You shouldn’t Shnur. You should pay for the Chanukah event. The only thing you plan is to not help. You never help. Will you show up for the Mikvah cleaning project? No. It’s a project. You don’t have to be a woman to show. The sisterhood is not just for women. Do you men show up to men’s club events? No. Exactly... Maybe help by not giving Divrei Torah... Beacuse your Torah thoughts are messed up... Quote Rashi and don't respond. Just quote Rashi and Ramban in Hebrew. No English translation. Nobody needs your commentary about how the Mikvah should be clean and how you shouldn't have to help. Nobody needs your commentary about how to give bad gifts... It's a fight with you guys. It's a struggle... A struggle to make Jewish life a decent thing here. (32:25-30) Yaakov wrestles with the angel... We don't even wrestle here. Yaakov understands that life is about struggle. Wrestling. With you as congregants, it's a struggle. You give no energy... I’m not here to fight with you. Yaakov fights with the angel all night. I am ready to take on any one of you until I get a decent gift... He gets the name Israel. I feel like the people of our shul should be called lazy... Rivka's Rundown Bernie changing pages in the Siddur is the most disgusting sight I have ever seen. I believe it would be better if he spat into a tissue. Even that would be disgusting. I think the reason Bernie can't change the pages anymore is his Siddur's pages are all stuck. Thanks to Bernie and his caustionary tale about phlegm, the children of our synagogue don't smoke. Nobody in our shul has ever made reservations for anything. I don’t know why we have reservation as an option. I’m surprised Bar Mitzvahs have guests with table cards. There is no way our congregants are RSVPing. The sisterhood organized the cleaning project. They didn't show up. Nonbody showed to the Mikvah cleaning. They thought that if it was a sisterhood event people would show. They also though that if cleaning is involved, they should not show. At least the Mikvah is not dirtier. You can try to advertise cleaning as fun. 'Exciting' doesn't get people to come if cleaning is involved. If the rabbi ever asks people to help clean at Kiddish again, we will lose all the congregants. An exciting day of bouncy house jumping. That would draw people to clean the Mikvah. At least to the Mikvah. To clean it, that might not happen. Dvar Torahs need consent. That is the greatest decision our board has made since the founding Avot and Imahot of our sul. The Dvar Torahs as given over by our membershiop are a form of abuse in our shul. People use Divrei Torah to express their political opinions about Trump. How they compared Esav to Trump at Kiddish this week with such ease, it just flows out of their mouths. The shul president is a very angry person. That's true. He has to listen to every Dvar Torah the congregants give. It's painful. Chanukah in shul is not enjoyable. I agree with the rabbi. No good gifts. This is why there are so many fights in shul, and everybody hates the Gabai. If you know Bernie will never give you anything decent, why should you be nice to him?! Take his seat in shul. There are no repercussions. Just phlegm. A bar of chocolate would be better than chocolate coins. And then I have that stuff stuck in my fingers all week. After I open a chocolate coin, I have to go to the manicure to deload the chocolate from my nails. I am never satisfied from the chocolate, because half of it I can't get to. And I won't start biting my nails. The basic point is that the rabbi is expecting gifts from the congregants this Chanukah. Each night. The proposal of seperating the shul for peace was taken very well by all members. I believe they realize they won't have to listen to Ruchel Sarah's Divrei Torah anymore. Did the rabbi just challenge the president to a fight?! I believe he called it a fisticuffs. I don't know anybody under eighty who has said that. He challenged the president to a fight in the 1930s. The next shul event is MMA. It's called the Yisrael Wars. We've pinned up the president vs the rabbi on the poster. If the president shows up with a decent gift with oxen, the rabbi said he will call off the fight. Rabbi said this is the season of miracles. I think he’s been watching Hallmark. I’ve also gotten into the holiday shows and Santa. Later on the rabbi qualified his statement, 'If this is the season of miracles, nobody will get one of those rackets with a ball attached from Bernie this year... They stay attached for a minute... I am not sure even H' can cause the ball to stay attached to the racket with that rubber band. Those rubber bands are just as bad as the ones our congregants use on their socks.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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As we discussed in the Halachas of Tzitzit, an Onen is not required to practice the commandment. From the death of a close relative until the time they are buried, the pre-mourner (Onen) must focus on burying their loved one. Thus, the pre-mourner is not required in positive commandments. Due to the pleasure of not having to do Mitzvot, this has led to many people not being buried for a very long time. If people would just enjoy Tzitzit.
Let’s get into the history of Tzitzit and undershirt development and why people are all of the sudden enjoying wearing Tzitzit. Wool to Cotton The first Tzitzit were wool. Back in the Balkan Peninsula in the 12th century, it was much easier to grab a sheep and de-hair it than to plant cotton seed. Wool Tzitzit first became popular in Czarist Russia, sparking the growth of the Chasidic movement. It helped those living without decent heating in the Kiev and Lvov regions. This is why Lvov has been part of every country in Europe over the years. Bad heating. Wool Tzitzit helped with warmth and allowed Jews to learn Torah during the day. Yet, it was itchy, which the snobs of Western Europe did not like. To quote a great student of a teacher who was educated by a rav, who was educated by a great rabbi and student of a sage, 'The itch of the Tzitzit tassels on my leg is enough. I don't need to walk around scratching my torso as well.' The Joy of Cotton and Linen It was the days before undershirts. Mind you. There were no undershirts, cotton was not readily available in the Pale, and there was a lot of discomfort. People were so mad, they even went out of their way to purchase Tallises to swing at others. And forget the summers. The wool Tzitzit were so warm, people were sweating all the time. Showers were necessary daily, and drought was a natural result. Thus came cotton Tzitzit. As Shlomo Yankel exclaimed, 'Now these breathe! It's hard to control on the skin, but it breathes.' And then linen came along, and life was beautiful. Due to Shatnez (the law of not mixing wool and linen), people didn't have to worry about having to wear wool Tzitzit outside of Czarist Russia ever again. Tyranny came to an end. Nonetheless, there was still a bit of undergarment movement. Polyester Tzitzit Some fool decided to introduce polyester. Shlomo Yankel was in shock, and on behalf of the Jewish people he questioned, 'How does something so thin make me sweat more than wool?!' Why people were creating new Tzitzit still was an anomaly. But we as Jews are innovative. Just look at the prepackaged Chanukah oil filled cups and Sukkot decorations with Santa Claus on them. Innovation never ceases with our people. History Of Undershirts Undershirts only developed in the early twentieth century. This explains why the Industrial Revolution truly took off in the 1900s. People needed more undershirts. The American forefathers were sick of having to put on a set of clothes under their clothes. The simple concept of short sleeve cotton against the body was revolutionary. A second Revolutionary War almost took place when John Long suggested undershirts be made from wool. That was shot down. Literally shot down. And nobody heard from John Long again. Nonetheless, we are still stuck with his thermal underwear, also known as long johns. Greatly usable in the winter. The businessman he was, he did suggest we wear them during the summers as well. It was at this moment, with the arrival of the undershirt, the modern Tzitzit became fully bearable. Though they were not required, even women insisted on wearing Tzitzit. Rav Scheinberg was so comfortable, he decided to wear tens of Tzitzit at once. The Tzitzit revolution was underway. We had cotton. We had comfort. We had normal undershirts. John Long was shot. Now what do we do? We make Tzitzit as small as possible. Would Thomas Jefferson have worn Tzitzit if he had a decent undershirt? We will never know. Mesh The tiny mesh Tzitzit era of the late 1980s. It was a very uncomfortable decade. Some people even stopped wearing undershirts. Comfort was forgotten. The rabbis got rid of the mesh Tzitzit quite quickly, as mesh is a little too provocative. Some Tzitzit were a single tiny cloth. A string with tassels attached. What the '80s did to the soul of our nation is still something we as a nation are rebounding from. It all can be traced back to David Lee Roth. The Mesh Tzitzit also moved as much as a Tallis. Undershirts with Buttons Years went by and the undershirt was remembered. Fruit of the Loom reminded us of comfort. Innovation never stops with our people, and the Hanes three pack price hike was too much for us to bear as a people. To quote, 'We need to make them into Tzitzit.' So, they created an undershirt Tzitzit that was with a button. Known as the buttoned undershirt fiasco of 1993, worst idea behind mesh, or the Neatzit Insurrection, this was the worst use of undershirts. Very loose, and a random metal button you had to snap on each side. Most mid-age Jewish men did not have the dexterity to look to the side and snap a button. And with the loose fit, our Jewish men put on an average of fifteen pounds when wearing Tzitzit. When Jewish men were told they needed to start going to the gym to work on their agility for button snapping, they protested the undershirt button Tzitzit. The phase lasted three weeks, a mourning period. To this day you can find a pair of snappable undershirt Tzitzit in your dad's closet. In protest and due to the trauma suffered from Neatzit, Jewish men have not been to the gym since. As a community, we went back to wool. Anything was better than a button. People found themselves sweating again. For some reason, the undershirt with a button was hated so much that our community reacted with hatred towards cotton. Evolution of the New Undershirt Tzitzit Ends Finally, some brilliant man in Israel in 2021 said, 'Why the button. Undershirts are comfortable.' A Tzadik. To quote Israel News Syndicates, 'Something good came out of corona.' They took undershirts, cut the sides, got rid of the button, and everybody was comfortable. A thread count of a hundred forty. Fits nice and snug. It's a joy. All the soldiers want Tzitzit now. The four cornered garment has taken off in the Israeli army. It's the stories of Jewish life saved. It's the story of the development of the modern-day undershirt Tzitzit and the comfort they offer. Either way, it's beautiful to see Jews practicing Mitzvot. And people are getting buried on time. We as Jews are forever indebted to Fruit of the Loom. No thank yous were ever sent. Epilogue to Our History To wear the undershirt Tzitzit, if you want to smell decent, you still need an undershirt. Otherwise, after two days of Tzitzit you smell disgusting. And to this day the Tassels running down the legs itch. Will they invent a Tzitzit leg separator? The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Any garment with four or more corners needs Tzitzit. That being said, we don’t walk around with a Tallis, a prayer shawl, anymore.
I thus present to you the history of Tzitzit. A history which I re-edited multiple times to make sure the second ‘t’ was present in all spellings of Tzizit. Please note, we are not going to go into the history of the cloak Tzitzit. Us Jews consider Robin Hood a thief, and Friar Tuck was a bandit. And we thus do not identify with cloaks. We will leave it there. Now let us focus on the beginning of the evolution to today’s undershirt Tzitzit. Who Wears Four Cornered Garments Back in ancient times, people loved four cornered garments. Under Roman rule everybody loved the four cornered look. It was the style. Egyptians were also big on the four-corner look. Known as the quadrigape, t was very hip in the years 1,400 to 3,485 from creation. It Used to be a Tallis The Tallis was very popular in the BCEs. It was the look. Everybody was wearing long Tallises, kind of like a poncho. After years of drought, many Jews felt the poncho wasn’t necessary. So, the wrap around Tallis as we know today became popular, as well as hitting people with tassels. Many people started showing to shul with their blankets. It was comfortable, easy, and with the quick bed to dress turnover people were showing up to shul on time. However, once the rabbis started making them put Tzitzit (the tassels) on the corners of the blankets, it became too much of a chore. Blankets were thus designated for sleep. And spouses started getting along again. To quote a couple overheard in therapy, 'Every night, right when I was falling asleep, I was getting smacked by tassels.' At this time, the Tallis of today, the white 2,000 thread count sheet was introduced. People wore them over their clothes. Yet, with all the Roman tassel hatred, people were looking for something to wear under the shirt. They tried the Tallis. Yet, the Tallis under the shirt was not practical. Adjusting the Tallis Have you ever tried wearing a Tallis under your shirt? You can’t adjust it. The average Tallis wearer has to adjust his Tallis at least eighteen times during Shacharit. That’s where the meaning of Chai comes from. It’s the number of times your Tallis slips off your shoulders during morning prayers. The ancient Chai necklace used to be in the shape of a Tallis. I couldn’t find proof of this, so the source for future generations will have to be the Kibbitzer Magazine and myself, Rabbi David. Sometimes history is better given over in the form of conjecture. People also end up hitting me with the tassels each time the re-fix their Tallis. For my safety and for the times I forget to bring eye protection to shul, the Tallis has not remained in regular daytime use. Not needing explanation, in the times of the Second Temple many fights broke out in the Shuk, due to Tallis adjustment. Due to baseless hatred caused by Jewish lack of Tallis control, we developed what is known as Tzitzit (not just tassels, but what we put the tassels on- to complicate things we use the same word for both). It was too late. Too many people had been injured by the membership at my shul, hatred was rampant. The Second Temple was going to be destroyed due to hatred amongst our people. It’s hard to make peace with somebody who swings a dangerous tassel at you on a daily basis. Tzitzit Are First Developed Tzitzit, The Tallit Katan, The small Tallis which adopted its name from the commandment to have Tzitzit (tassels), was developed. Less violence, less need for ophthalmologists, future generations could have peace, and no more garment slipping off the shoulders. Redemption was now a hope again. Regular clothes were able to be worn. You put the Tzitzit under them, and you didn’t have to constantly take off your shirt in public, to adjust a Tallis. A horrendous sight. It was a practical move. A move that stopped much baseless hatred due to out of shape Jewish men adjusting their Tallis. The constant need for Tallis adjustment is also why they stopped making Tallises out of silk in 2001. Why it took so long to figure out that silk Tallises were impossible?! Epilogue to Our History Now people only wear Tallises in shul. It helps keep warm when the Gabai insists on turning up the air-conditioning. Fights still happen in shul, but they are blatant. If you get hit by Tzitzit tassels, somebody definitely doesn’t like you. Will the Biblical cloak Tzitzit dress come back? We are not sure. History will tell. As long as undershirt Tzitzit are around and not too many Jews get hooked on Dungeons and Dragons, the cloak Tzitzit will remain obsolete. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: VaYeitzei11/26/2023
Announcements
Any misspelling, in all issues of the Kibbitzer, is the Gabai’s fault. We apologize for the Kristallnacht program last week. The speaker only realized later on that his house catching on fire was not the same as a Germans burning it. Though he hates Florida, he wants to make it clear. He didn’t mean to blame Ron DeSantis for Kristallnacht. No more banging the tables for Rosh Chodesh. We have a Yaaleh vYavo sign. That’s enough. Kids are now scared to come to shul because of your Clopping the table. We are also asking Shlomo to pay for the damages done to the Bima table. We want to commend all community members that went to the rally for Israel. We also want to thank all of those that stayed here for sharing their excuses for the past two weeks. For those who went to the rally, the flag blanket Tallis look is beautiful. Howeverץ We are asking you wear a suit on Shabbat. Proper Shabbat Israel Solidarity Dress: A pin. A Sheytel. A Kippah. A suit. Slacks. A Tallis. A tie would be nice. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Herd... (Bereishit 29:1) ‘Yaakov lifted his feet and went toward the eastern lands...’ You have to put in effort, Yankel. You as well, Sarah Faiga... Pinchas. You will never meet anybody if you stay in Topeka. You have to go East. To New York... Effort. A little effort. You have to work... You have to pick up your feet. Lift them. Everybody. Lift your feet... Don't stand Bernie. Just lift your feet. It's like physical therapy for useless congregants... I understand that none of the congregants here work. They definitely don’t help... You guys show up to shul so late. You walk so slow. None of you lift your feet. You drag. The problem is you drag... Rashi says Yaakov was able to move because he felt Gd was with him. So his heart lifted his feet... Changes are hard. Dealing with the board of this shul is hard. If you saw somebody attractive, you would lift your feet. You would help clean the Mikvah... It’s disgusting. I have yet to have seen Shloimy shower before entering that thing. And you guys put your Keilim in there.. The spoons you stick into your soup, full of Shloimy. The spoons that go into your mouth. It's disgusting. Clean the Mikvah. Effort. And Shloimy. Shower before you go into the thing... It takes physical effort. Yaakov rolls the rock off the well... He wasn’t lazy. He helped with Kiddish. And he worked out. You guys are so out of shape. There is a reason you don’t feel Gd is with you. He isn’t... The only effort you put into anything is hitting the table on Rosh Chodesh. You scare the kids. You put in too much effort... He didn’t hit the rock off the well. It wasn't Rosh Chodesh. Rosh Chodesh Clopping was scary. The families ran. They got frightened. They thought there was a fight. Or the Bima broke... You attacked the Bima. You broke the the table... What are you bringing up the Holocaust for?... You’re an idiot. You don’t equate anything with the Holocaust. It wasn't a Kristallnacht event. It was a left-wing political opinion... You took Kristallnacht and turned it against republicans... Are you an idiot? You blamed Ron DeSantis for your house burning and all of the synagogues burning... It wasn’t global warming. This has nothing to do... If Baruch Pichas Clopped your house, it would’ve been destroyed... You had to lift your feet tot go to the rally for Israel. Always an excuse. never responsible. You didn’t got to the rally... You say you wanted to. No excuses... Work?! You're an accountant. It's not even tax season... Pinchas. You probably would’ve met a girl at the rally. A girl from New York... It's time to fold up the flags... You're in shul. Your solidarity can be holding a flag. You don’t have to wear it... How do pajamas show solidarity with Israel?! A tie would be nice... I know they don’t wear them in Israel. It would be a way of showing you care. A way of not looking like a shlump... Rivka's Rundown People were mad this week when the rabbi started giving sermons again. They shouted, 'We came to shul for Kiddish.' They were still in the Israel rally spirit. In solidarity with Israel the rabbi gave no speech for Chayei Sarah and Toldot. Chayei Sarah. The rabbi just said, ‘Go to the Rally.’ That's all the rabbi said. It was the most powerful message he ever gave. I think the only one people heard. To be exact, I believe he said, 'You're heretics. Go to the rally or you're not Jewish.' At Kiddish on Chaeyi Sarah, the rabbi told the single people at our shul to not marry each other. 'As Avraham made Eliezer vow to find a decent wife from Charan, you should not marry anybody from Topeka. Nobody here is decent. It's like living amongst a bunch of Canaanites.' On Parshat Toldot, he told everybody that when Moshe Stern said Ruchel is his sister he was telling the truth. Finally, the Shadchans stopped trying to set them up. Our congregants put no effort into anything. Last year's Chanukah party was just sour cream. No latkes to put it on. No latkes. No sufganiot. Just sour cream and jelly. Nobody was willing to fry. Too much work. I am happy the rabbi called out Sarah Faiga. And Pinchas. It’s pathetic. Stays in Topeka. Is he looking to meet a bubbie. They're lazy. The truth is the rabbi was going off on all the congregants because he wants a better Kiddish. Only two people help prepare it. And the way things stand, there will be no latkes or sufganiot this year either. The rabbi would’ve listed everyone in the congregation, but he wanted to get a Shabbis shluf. The whole Kristallnacht program was offensive. The guy turned Kristallnacht into a chance to go off on Ron DeSantis. I was fine with that. I just don't believe Ron DeSantis burned synagogues or Jewish books. I think the speaker got off track when they started yelling, 'I hate Trump.' I showed up to show respect for our ancestors and to commemorate Kristallnacht. The speaker is now running for town council. And they shouldn't have called it a program. It's too close to Pogrom. It should be a Kristallnacht ceremony. Even that doesn't sound good. Nobody wants to relive that. A commemoration is the right word. I will tell the Federation. He broke the Bima with his Clopp. It was vicious. I wouldn’t want to be in that guys house. He definitely wasn’t reminding people to say Yaaleh VYavo, unless if he was trying to remind them to say it under attack. I think Baruch Pinchas is just an angry dad. Come to think of it, maybe he was mad about having to say Yaaleh VYavo. He probably misses it a lot and has to repeat the Shemonah Esrei (Amida). Each time you forget to say it, you have to repeat it. That can be frustrating. I once did eight Yaaleh VYavos on Rosh Chodesh. He was probably banging the table real hard, saying, 'This is how you remind people, so they don't have to repeat it. I was stuck in shul for three hours last month. Repeating and repeating!!!' The support for Israel dress code the shul put out was to try to get people to look decent for services. One guy showed up in shorts and sandals and said ‘They do this in Israel.’ The rabbi responded, ‘That is the only form of solidarity you have shown.’ This week they showed up in pajamas again. The rabbi reminded the guy that he could've shown up to the rally in DC. They're really are lazy. The congregation wants hostages free. But our congregants have a hard time saying Tehillim. They say it's too much work. Most of them can’t even read Hebrew. A bunch of selfish lazy congregants. When it comes to having the congregation sit threw their list of Mishebeyrachs on Shabbat morning... Some of them pull out lists of third cousins. And then they include the officers of the shul. Leave the rabbi and the officers of the shul out. Nobody is saying Amen to the pain you put us through. I say no more Aliyahs to the Torah. If we have to sit threw their Mishebeyrachs. If they did a Mishebeyrach for the hostages, like real Manschim, I would be all in. Instead, it's a blessing for their child doing third grade math in kindergarten at the local Jewish day school that costs twenty-five thousand dollars a year. And I know they're doing third grade math because that got brought into the Mishebeyrach. 'My daughter who is doing third grade math in kindergarten.' We always have to here about Samantha and Tuvi's kids. And why the local day school is twenty-five thousand with only four kids a class. There are things I can't explain. The Mikvah is disgusting. Hasn’t been cleaned in years. People are leaving boxes at the Mikvah now. You have boxes and Shloimy's whatever. If somebody isn’t tasked with helping people for money, they don’t do it. Not our congregation. They asked the rabbi what 'shlump' means. He pointed to Shloimy. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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It was amazing to see 300,000 people come together in support of Israel, to bring back the hostages, and to dispel the hatred of our nation. It was a time to come together. A time to understand you are part of a nation that is Israel. A time to feel guilty for not living in Israel. I commend all of the people who showed up.
Here is some of what I saw on my rally journey of Achdut, unity. I'm so excited to share. The 2am Trip The bus left at 2am from Rochester, NY, to ensure you were tired when you got there. If they held the rally later in the day, people would've got sleep. Support comes with sacrifice, and that means not getting sleep. I heard many bus drivers protested the rally by not showing up to work. Ours protested by making us take a really long trip. If your bus refused to take you to the rally, your rally experience was much more relaxing. If the bus drivers for the people from Detroit only knew that it's not the Jews that blow up buses. I want to give myself credit for going to the rally. I was on that bus for fifteen hours. I got to the rally and there were porta-potties. I held my bladder for twenty-six hours. And that is the background to my rally experience and bus drivers who hate Israel. So Many People In support of Israel, three hundred thousand people or fifteen showed up. It depends on your news sources. The counter-rally protest had fifty thousand or forty. It depends on your sources. The counter-protesters came by bus. I believe most of them were bus drivers. It was beautiful to see Hamon Am. Multitudes showed. Matisyahu said Shema, and the Jews of the Federations who organized the rally had no idea what was going on. To quote a bothered organizer, ‘I don’t remember those lyrics being in “One Day.”’ The Signs There is no better way to make a statement to the world than with a sign. Otherwise, you're just yelling at everybody. So many amazing signs saying, 'I stand with Israel.' It's important to stand when you're at a rally. Sitting is more of a protesting thing. I personally didn't bring a sign. My arms get too tired to support Israel. I saw no signs from people from Detroit. People Wearing Israeli Flags People were wearing flags throughout the Mall. This has taken the place of signs at many Jewish protests and rallies around the world. It has turned into a well-known Jewish custom to wrap a flag in solidarity. Either that or five thousand people forgot to bring their jackets. A Lot of People Taking Pictures Once a rally starts, you are either a person holding a sign or a journalist. Most people opt for photojournalism, which they officially syndicate on X. I followed many of these pundits. I must admit, I was a bit skeptical of their journalistic integrity. Their posts would hold more weight and be more official if they didn't pop their face into every picture. Tons of New Yorkers Showed So many people. It was beautiful. I know tons of New Yorkers were there. The subway was very loud. Everybody Chanting 'Bring Them Home' It was beautiful to see the support. Everybody was in unison chanting to bring home the hostages. Chuck Schumer started chanting, 'Let them go.' Chuck saw people with Yarmulkes, and he thought he was at a Seder. One of the aides had to remind Chuck it wasn't Passover. To which Chuck responded, 'I really am Jewish.' Chuck Schumer Saying He Supports Israel I didn't expect that. I saw congress saying they support Israel at the rally. Ten minutes later I saw them vote against sending aid to Israel. But they were very supportive at the rally. One representative said, 'No ceasefire until Israel does what it needs to.' That had the crowd going. Many were in shock to see so many people at the Israel rally in support of Israel. I Felt Bad about Clapping So Much I was in the rally spirit. It's hard to know when to clap. So many great speakers showing support for Israel and the Jewish people. You just want to clap. Yet. It's hard. Especially when they're making statements of affirmation. I clapped at times I want to take back right now: The speaker shouted, 'From the river to the sea is an explicit call for the extermination of the Jewish people.' Why did I clap for that? I want to make it clear to all of you, I do not support the extermination of my people. 'Jews on college campuses are being attacked.' I clapped for that too. Everybody was clapping. She ended that in a loud voice. You had to clap. I don't support attacks of Jewish students. I hope all the Jews there don't support it either. Clapping just seemed like the right thing to do. 'How anybody can sympathize with terrorists?!' I don't sympathize with terrorists, but I clapped. Thank Gd she added, 'is unimaginable.' I felt better about my show of support at that moment. The Loud Speech Clap Ender They know how to get us to clap. So many of them did that loud abrupt ender to a sentence and I just started applauding. Am Yisrael Chai I must've joined sixty Am Yisrael Chai flash mobs. On the stairs, at the mall, on the subway, in the middle of the Chazin repetition of the Amidah. That’s how you get people to join you. You sing Am Yisrael Chai and a Jewish flash mob breaks out. And I start clapping. It Was Very Peaceful There were no fights. This had me questioning if this was a rally in America. I can't remember the last time I saw a rally on American soil without extreme violence. I am guessing the rally was rigged with Israelis. There must've been a lot of Israelis there, as I noticed nobody trying to physically harm anybody else. How you can make a point without maiming other people is beyond me. And no counter-protesters got hurt. We Thanked the Security and the Police At that point, I knew it was a right-wing protest with Chuck Schumer. The Singers Were Amazing It was all about unity in the end. Peace. Peace for all. That's all we want. That's all any of the Jews want. Peace, our brothers and sisters living in safety, and for pacifists to stop attacking us with Palestinian flags. The singers exemplified that. And nobody judged the Maccabeats. That was the greatest show of care we have for our fellow Jews. True Jewish entertainers hitting the stage, bald. Nobody batted an eye when we saw a bunch of entertainers without hair at the age of twenty-eight. They just understood they were Ashkenazi. And then there was Matisyahu coming out of retirement with white hair. It was an amazing experience and show of solidarity. This is how we stand up against racism. With a bald human beatboxer. Bus Driver Not Driving Us Back I don't know if our bus driver started his protest late, but he made us wait two hours to leave Washington. He said he needed an eight hour break. At that point, I really needed to go. It was important to be there, even if your bus driver refused to drive you. Even if were stuck at the airport and had access to clean toilets, you still showed your support for our people. I just pray that the Jewish kids are able to go to school on yellow buses in New York. Am Yisrael Chai. That seems like the right way to end the journey. Hopefully your clapping right now. AM YISRAEL CHAI!!! Now you're clapping. 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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXVII11/22/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the pain and Yachdut of last month, as David finds a way to make solidarity of the children of Israel with the soldiers something not positive, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for reminding us how much people hate us.
Cars everywhere. The reserves are called up, and the Israeli heroes show for duty. And they got parking tickets. Note: This last part is a joke. The police haven’t given out tickets to the reservists around the country. It’s not like they’re parking in Jerusalem. (sometimes you get into trouble when you don’t tell people that a joke is a joke- next time I'll give people advice on where to steal cars- I'll get into less trouble)
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Vayera11/5/2023
Announcements
Shul security will be run by Mendel. The fist Yad is here. The finger will be a fist. Due to the number of ripped Tallises, the rabbi has made the decision to only use fists as fingers. Please show up for the shul’s unveiling of the fist Torah pointer fist. It will not be violent. The Tallis folding has been off. Placement as well. The rabbi will be giving a class this week on how to fold and place a Tallis properly on a shelf. Also, how to not make a mess of Tallises by throwing them. The rabbi will also teach people how to pick up their plate and put it in the trash, by not leaving their plate out for Rachel Bracha. No more slowing down Kaddish. People want to stop saying Amen for Mark's dad, due to the bothersome nature of Mark's voice and speed. Kippah clips are now required for funerals on windy days. Too many Kippas have flown into graves this fall. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Herd... (Bereishit 18:18-19) H’ says, ‘All the nations of the world will be blessed through Avraham for I have known that he commands his sons and his daughters and his house after him that they should keep the ways of H’, of righteousness and justice...' Nobody is being blessed through this congregation. Our one Kohen doesn't even know how to split his fingers correctly... It's about passing on the ideal of righteousness... Mitzvot?! You don't even know how to show up to a funeral correctly. Kippot were flying all over. Learn how to wear a Yarmulke on a windy day. It's like Sedom and Amora... It's about Tzadikim. That's what brings Bracha to the world. Let's talk about righteous people and passing on righteousness. Tzadik here?! Would H’ have saved the world if our congregation was the people that were left… No. I don’t believe we have a Tzadik here. Would Topeka be saved if it was up to our congregation?! A Tzadik wouldn't make Rachel Bracha clean after them every Kiddish... No. It's not her job. She's just not annoying... You don't even pay dues... That would help pay for cleaning services... Only person who has ever offered to help is Moishe Pinchas. He offered and then left his plate on the table and walked right out... Why? Because Rachel said to him that he can help with cleaning up the plates. He just stood up and walked out. He figured, 'If that's the case, I need to get out of here fast.' Have you seen the kids' table?!... Her name is Rachel Bracha because she is the only one in this shul that hasn't been a curse... Mendel is not somebody you want running security. If Mendel was running security in Sedom and Amora, nobody would’ve been saved. Why is everybody up in arms about a fist pointing to the Torah. It's to protect Tallises... Mendel should see the Yad and learn how to defend himself. The fist is more powerful than the finger. The Torah is our strength... This isn't a Kong Fu movie. Mendel would've never starred as Le Roy in The Last Dragon. He definitely can’t defend the shul... A Tzadik wouldn't make everybody wait for their Kaddish Mark... No. Everybody loves your dad. It's you. Nobody likes you... Seichel. That’s what we’re talking about. If you had Seichel, you might act right. Who puts the Tallis on the side of the table?... Of course, it slides off. Your Kippah flew into the grave… Clips. Seichel. A hat is fine… Your Kippah fell off into the grave. It's in the hole… No. You shouldn't have jumped in after it... Maybe it was meant to be... Rivka's Rundown Mendel decided that the best way to run the security team is to have a committee. To quote: ‘You don’t have security without a committee.’ And then nothing happened, and nobody was trained. But they had meetings about how the shul needs security. So, I question if the shul can have Brachas with Mendel. The rabbi initiated a windy day funeral dress code. New funeral dress code for windy days includes Kippah clips, hats, and coats that have a working zipper. I don't believe that any member of our congregation has ever fixed a zipper. Nor has anyone every resown a button. Their button breaks and they're walking around with a flapping trench coat connected on the bottom. Hats that are not allowed are derbies. Nobody wanted derbies at their funeral. A discussion was had, and nobody in our congregation likes them. He jumped into the grave. His Kippah flew off and his immediate response was to jump in with the coffin. The rabbi had to stop some of the congregants from shoveling the dirt. We had one guy that was extremely intent on shoveling the stuff fast. His intensity involved in his dirt movement was astonishing. I think he truly did not like Fishel. Fishel was a good man, but that guy was real happy to see him go fast. Since, the rabbi started giving out Kippah clips and hats to bald people. Got the Fist Yad. All leftwing people left the shul in protest. They left the shul due to the Torah pointer offending them. They said that seeing a fist represented rightwing. Now people are not allowed to close their hands in shul, due to membership sensitivity. The Torah is our strength was a beautiful lesson. Though the rabbi made clear it is our greatest weapon against evil, thank Gd nobody in our shul is strong enough to lift a Torah as weapon. That guy at Fishel's funeral would've used it on him if he had a chance. He just left the Tallis on the side of the table and walked. It slipped off before he placed it. There is no way he didn't see it fall. He just figured, he shouldn't have to bend. He shouldn't have to pay dues or bend. Some people are throwing Tallises. Why people are throwing Tallises is bizarre. I think they're expecting Rachel Bracha to clean them up. Rachel Bracha ends up cleaning after everybody. They just sit and watch. I have never seen somebody offer to help. Rachel is another girl. Rachel doesn't help. Rachel Bracha, we always use both of her names. A whole discussion was had with the rabbi about if a cleaning service would pick up Mark's plate after him. Mark has a huge issue with bringing his plate to the trash can. To quote, 'My family did not escape Iran to have to clean up after ourselves.' Mark was not happy with the love everybody has for his dad, and the hatred for his Kaddish. Kaddish is always a little slower. Why??? I don't know. No matter how slow they go, Mark Sindel goes slower. I never thought I would be so upset that I wouldn't want to say Amen, but his Kaddish is so long. I feel like smacking Mark and telling him his dad would've left in the middle of his Kaddish. The rabbi did take the Kohen aside, to teach him how to separate his fingers. He spent months doing finger exercises with the guy. The Kohen is now jacked. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Here are some brilliant Pallywood scenes. Before sharing some of the brilliantly written individual performances, I want to say that I do feel bad for all of those who have suffered staged death, and are not in the scene anymore. As seen in Days of Our Lives, it's hard for an actor to be out of work. My heartfelt condolences. [Please know that I truly do mourn for all of those who have suffered, and I do pray for all of the souls that have been taken from us in our Olam.]
Be them films from Syria, Egypt, Detroit, or some video from a family reunion repurposed to share death that didn't happen, they are brilliantly funny and I commend people for finding ways to blame Israel for these attacks on moving dead people. Here are some of the scenes I have seen of moving dead people. Thirsty Dead People One dead guy needed a drink. He flipped off his sheet, reaches for a Coke, thanks his friend and is still dead, while requesting shawarma for dinner. Jittery Dead Guy One dead guy who had to scratch himself. He had an itch. I'm watching this, asking, 'Did the dead guy just scratch himself and request a drink?! Brilliant!!!' Note: It's wrong to laugh at people who are dead with a parched throat and an itch they can't reach. Torture. Frightened Dead Guy Runs One guy was under a sheet, laying there, dead, and then he got frightened, threw off the sheet and took off. But he was dead. The people of Gaza reported it. The dead guy was running. I know it's wrong to mock dead people who have to flee. Something has to go terribly wrong for a dead guy to sprint. The extent of the Israeli evil, to even get a dead guy to run, one can only imagine. Miracles do happen. They were in the middle of the funeral, carrying the stretcher. They dropped the stretcher, and you see a dead guy jump up from under the sheet, and run. How? Miracles. He was frightened, and bam, he was out of there. And to think they were going to bury him in jeans and Nikes. A polo shirt. I believe that is wrong. Not a respectable way to bury someone. However, it is good he had on his sneakers, allowing him to take off. And now the dead guy is laid up in bed with a back sprain. One Should Not Argue with Staged Death It’s offensive, and you will be cancelled. The great thing about Pallywood is you have to know your audience. The Palestinians and BDS supporters are ensuring the college students are not offended. To support choice of those who have been staged dead, who have rights too, they have argued on their behalf, 'You are dead if you identify as dead. And to tell somebody that is drinking at a cafe that they are not dead is offensive. And wrong.' It's wrong to laugh at moving dead people. And Biden shouldn't be questioning the numbers of reported deaths. That running dead guy passed away six times last week. And then he had to have dinner with his family. Nobody should know of such things. At least the news syndicates have proper respect for these actors and their craft, and report them as part of the death toll. I believe the staged death toll is up to 400,000. They should live and be well. Next time we’ll discuss behind of the scenes of the brilliantly staged deaths, along with child actors of Pallywood. I’ve got to work on my acting skills, or I’ll never make it in Pallywood. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke: Lech Lecha10/31/2023
Announcements
No taking breaks to get water when you have a Yahrzeit. This is not a production. It’s a Yahrzeit, and you are repeating the Amida. That’s it. Yahrzeit Rule: Lead Davening and get it over with. People have jobs to get to. We found the cat. You can now Daven. The shul is getting new Yads. It appears as though the Torah pointer fingers on the Yads have been getting caught in too many Tallises. Tehillim will be every day. Until this war is over, we will say Tehillim every day. Please stop calling the office. We are sorry if you have to miss a minute and forty-five seconds of work, because our soldiers are in Gaza trying to rid the world of evil and saving our hostages. Class on volunteering will take place this Tuesday, as nobody volunteers. If anybody would like to volunteer to put out phone calls for people to show up to the class, please let the office know. The class next Tuesday on volunteering has been cancelled, due to lack of volunteers. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Avraham tells Sarah to tell the Egyptians she's his sister, so they don’t kill him... Yes. It makes sense. You do things to save someone’s life. You didn’t even call 911... It was a hit and run. And you just kept on walking... You do stuff to help. Like maybe lifting a hand a Kiddish. You help clean... You eat, but you do nothing else. You even leave your plate on the table... (Bereishit 12:14-16) They see she is beautiful and they ‘praise her to Paroh... And he treated Avraham well because of her, and he got sheep, cattle, donkeys...’ He even got servants. What have you done for your husband, Vicky?! You gave him an ulcer... Forget about the fact that Paroh took her to his house. That's besides the point. At least Avraham got something out of it... Avraham is kicked out of Egypt for lying to Paroh. Not all plans are necessarily good ones. But they lived. That's the point... I find it hard to live through Davening here. So painful. If my wife would tell people I wasn’t a rabbi, I wouldn’t have to come to shul and listen to Shmuli's drawn out prayers. Or groaning... Well you're not singing. You make everything painful. Everything takes longer with you. You went to get a sucking candy. Why did you have to get a sucking candy... You’re not an opera singer. You lead one prayer for twenty minutes... Your mother would’ve never been that pretentious. How many candies do you need to repeat the Amida?! Now the Amida is a production. That's a riddle. Here. A ruddle for the congregation. How many sucking candies does it take for Shmuli to repeat the silent prayer?!... You should've brought an orchestra for your Modim. And water? You had to get a drink of water?! Your throat was parched... It was parched because you never show up for Davening. If you were used to Davening, you would’ve been able to go without candy and water for an hour and a half... I am used to it, because I have been here when Shimon leads Davening... It's almost as painful as listening to Shmuli. You are all just a burden. This is about praise for Sarah. She was willing to do what was needed to protect them. Not one person volunteered for the class on how to volunteer. Not one person protected the shul and told Shmuli how much they hated his Davening... The one thing the community gets behind, a stray cat that eats Kiddish leftovers... What about a new Yad. You know how many Tallises I have destroyed due to Torah Yads... Yes. We are still saying Tehillim... Not for my Tallises. We are going to say Tehillim for our brethren and sistren in Israel... Every day. Yes. Every day. It's about thinking about other people. Just as Sarah did for Avraham... So selfish. Can’t miss a minute of work for Tehillim. And you can lie to H' and pretend you're a good Jew for this... Rivka's Rundown All of Kiddish, people were asking what's wrong with the cisterns in Israel. Yahrzeits shouldn’t be painful for the rest of the shul. It seems like the only one who is enjoying these Yahrzeits is the person whose parent died. So pretentious. They need to get water. Have a cup of coffee up there like it's a production. They're repeating Shacharit. That's it. These Yahrzeit guys think it's their day to perform. As if their parents passed away so their son can have a yearly Hebrew reading recital. They don't get it. People want to get out of shul. They come to get out. It's not a show. If it was a show, people would be willing to pay. Our members don't even pay dues. And their voices are awful. It’s like seeing a guy up there with a microphone, holding it all professionally, to only find out that Bernie is the singer. And the selfishness shows itself when it comes to Israel. We have congregants doing the loud breath because they have to say Tehillim. One did a loud breath and a head shake. Our congregants feel that there is a cap on how much Tehillim one should say. And they don't even visit the sick. So it has nothing to do with thinking about people in our community who are sick. If you get sick in our community, the only prayer you'll get from the other members is that you shouldn't come back. The rabbi made it clear that the women in the congregation are not helpful. I think he was just trying to get the women to blame Shmuli for the slow Davening, and to kick Shmuli off the Bima. He is trying to garner support. The rabbi should’ve known nobody would volunteer for the class on volunteering. The class got cancelled before they advertised it. I believe they put out the announcement to let the membership know how useless they are. The congregation was looking for that cat for a good two weeks. That's all they did. We had no weekday Minyin because of that cat. Once we found the cat people were cheering that now evil has been eliminated from this world. Then we saw the cat, attack a mouse. The rabbi always gets the Yad stuck in his Tallis. They’re getting a Yad that has no finger. It’s a new fist Yad the rabbi has insisted on creating. It's like a Jewish power Yad. We have the setting for it. The JDL wants to fund it. At Kiddish, the rabbi used the message of Lech Lecha, where H' tells Avraham to go for himself, to get Bernie to renounce his shul membership and join another congregation. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A good Jew knows that feeling bad is the most important thing you can do to help the situation in Israel. However, the soldiers have not asked us to feel bad. That had me questioning if they were true Yireih Shamaim.
It turns out they do fear Gd. They just need practical stuff from us, and they want us to think positively. Here is stuff our Israeli brothers and sisters in Tzahal have requested. Energy Bars I believe they have enough chocolate chip cookies. It would seem that the soldiers now want energy bars. It turns out the soldiers don't like some of your recipes. Some soldiers complained that people were sending cookies that are not Duncan Hines. When you hear soldiers asking you for fig bars, that is a subtle way of letting you know that your baking is off. One unit had to a throw out a whole batch, because the cookies had raisins in them. Do our soldiers not deserve better?! It would also seem that eating chocolate chip cookies and then puking on the battle field is not sustainable. Duct Tape Apparently scotch tape doesn't work in war either. Is that stuff good for anything? Decent Boots I have no idea who has been sending them totes. They're going out to battle for us. They're not going to shul on a rainy day. Underwear This one is just a ploy to get decent underwear in Israel, finally. The decent American underwear with a thread count of more than one. The kind of underwear that invests in a flap. Now they have me questioning if they had underwear before. Going to the beach in Tel Aviv, I always knew the underwear was a swimsuit. And to know that many soldiers end up returning their uniforms for other soldiers to use. What was happening until now. Helmets and Knee Pads I don't understand all of the army stuff. I guess they're preparing for extreme sports. Maybe some new form of parkour. Skateboarding is cool. Tzitzit More than helmets, they want Tzitzit. The soldiers understand the gravity of war. They just wear different protective gear than other servicemen in other countries, who are going to battle with bulletproof vests. When you're fighting for Israel, you're fighting for the presence of H' in the world. Our soldiers know that you're not truly going to battle evil unless if you feel a little tickle going down your legs. I get it. I grew up in the Army of H'. Now I don't want to brag about my days as a warrior, getting Mitzvah points. All I can say is that I was a soldier at one point in my life. Even though I may have never saved a life, Chabad helped me feel like a hero when I was in third grade. And though I failed the Chumash and Rashi quiz, thank you Chabad. I took that test with Tzitzit on. I failed the test, but I won the battle. They want us to Have a Good Shabbis They want us to feel bad. That's what they really want. To quote a loving soldier, 'We can't have a normal Shabbat on the front line. But you enjoy. Enjoy Shabbat for us. Sing. Dance. Celebrate.' Just throw on the guilt. Advocate for Them This does not meant telling everybody how many computer chips Israel has invented. We're not worrying about Hamas and the PA boycotting Israel. They Want Drawings They want our support, and that comes in the form of a six year old drawing a messed up Israeli flag with purple crayons. How kids are so not artistic, and can't differentiate colors. It's pathetic. Yet, it makes the soldiers happy. So, have the kids write thank you letters, even if they can't spell. One soldier wanted me to thank you on their behalf for all the chocolate chip cookies of appreciation. It turns out his unit is the most out of shape unit in Tzahal right now. Next time we'll talk about how we've been sneaking the helmets and underwear past ELAL security. And how I told them the 12,000 Fig Newtons on the pallet I was carrying onto the plane were for me. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke: Noach10/23/2023
Announcements
We ask that the Davening leaders not slow everything down. We understand you don’t find it painful when you don’t have to sit in shul listening to you. Due to the annoyance of you, we’re losing congregants. We are asking that relay races not take place in the halls during Musaf. We ask kids think about retaking up paper football. There is less yelling and less old people get run over by triangular paper towels on a table. We do still ask that people have more control when flicking the paper towels through people's fingers. Aim is requested. How to help Israel??? We are collecting for energy bars. Due to the importance of safety in our community, we will ask the Gabai to step down. With the threat of violence against Jews, we’re worried the Gabai will get attacked for messing up who he chooses for Aliyahs and Hagba. Volunteer day for Israel is coming up. If you can’t come. Donate. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 7:1) H’ tells Noah to go to the ark with his family, ‘because you I have seen to be a Tzadik before me in this generation.’ ‘In this generation’... Yes. I reiterated. I have to repeat stuff, because you are sleeping half the time. If I repeat it, I figure there's a chance you'll hear it... Yes. Sometimes I have to repeat it eight times, just in case you wake up for a second. The messages are that important. And there is no Tzadik in this shul. 'In this generation.' Our shul. I can’t find one Tzadik in this shul. Do you know how easy it is to be a Tzadik in our shul. With the slow Daveners... A Tzadik wouldn't take twelve minutes for the repetition of the Amidah. Chazaras Hashas should take two and a half minutes. People who can’t even lift a hand to help with Shalishudis, when our brethren and sisteren are being attacked... They volunteer in Israel. The whole country is out there trying to help however they can. Little kids are drawing thank you cards of support for soldiers. Watch this. Nobody will come to volunteer day... Because you’re not Tzadiks. If you were in Israel there would be not one drawing for soldiers... Hamas would take the stuff for themselves. They wouldn't give one drawing to their people... It’s about rebuilding. Noah builds an ark. He’s commanded to build... Sarah Shaindel Malki. You were not told to do anything to the kitchen. That was a new LG. You got the idea to rebuild from some HGTV show... They know what they're doing on HGTV. Our shul is not a fixer upper Sarah Shaindel Malki... Human beings build. We don’t destroy. We don’t destroy, unless if you’re Ruchel with your ideas for a Bat Mitzvah Simcha with Miley Cyrus... What does Miley have to do with Torah? It's not a multi-media program... Your husband wanted a Mitzvah volunteer theme. But you said that Kaley (you can't even say her name) needs Miley to connect to H'. Something about cannonballs... There are no cannonballs or DJs in the Torah... H’ decides what must be destroyed. What has to be destroyed? Hamas. The world was full of Hamas... Imagine the board of our shul running the world. We have to rebuild a world without Hamas... Yes. It says Hamas in this week’s Parsha. The world was destroyed because of Hamas... Maybe the Torah knew about Hamas. The terrorist group of Hamas did not exist back then. But their corruption and thievery did... We want to rebuild the kitchen that Sarah Shaindel Malki decorated. It looks so bad. Destroyed the congregation. Stole a decent kitchen that caterers could use. How many microwaves do we need... Then cover the stuff. Buy the plastic covers and you need one, maybe two microwaves... It is through me that this shul must be rebuilt. I am the only Tzadik in this shul. As Noah was the Tzadik of his generation... (7:15) ‘And they came to Noah, into the ark...’ The animals came to Noah. He didn’t have to chase them. They volunteered. You have to take an initiative sometimes, and do something... Because then you will be destroyed. They are all volunteering in Israel now. And we can’t even get one person to help with Shalishudis. I have to chase you. Hamas. Destruction... No. Bernie. Volunteering and donating in the announcements was not a joke... At least donate money. Give something. These aren't dues. Nobody should have to chase you to give money to Israel during these times... I know the 'donate' announcement made no sense. This is why the president of this congregation should step down... You don't know your constituents. Have you seen Shalishudis?! Crackers. That's it. You get crackers. Just crackers. You don't get egg salad when people don't volunteer. When you have our membership... I was playing freeze tag with the congregants... It was like a relay race to get away from the rabbi, or any sort of help. Some people were even playing hot potato with the idea of being useful... And that is why we have no Shalishudis, and the soldiers have no energy bars. We have to rebuild Davening. You destroyed it. Shimon. You have killed our Minyan with your painful Davening. We have to keep him away from the Bima... So slow. Even Bernie finishes before you. And then Kaddish. A random other guy slows the thing down, and you go even slower. How do you go slower than slow?... We slowed it down for you. Then you went slower. No matter what speed we’re at, you go slower. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi has to repeat stuff a lot. One time he repeated his whole sermon. Yankel woke up and asked the rabbi what he was talking about, so the rabbi started the whole thing again. Most congregants don't like Yankel anymore. Nobody knew about the microwave covers. The rabbi had a sale on the plastic microwave covers. He marked them meat and dairy, and he pulled in a bundle. People thought the microwave covers were only made of metal. Which is how all the microwaves at the shul originally got destroyed. The rabbi had a class about the how the metal covers were for hotel room service. They think the shul is their playground. Sarah Shaindel Malki is a failed interior designer. I hate to say it. She can't even design a row of microwaves correctly. And as the rabbi said, 'This isn't Lashon Hara, beacuse she is annoying.' Soldiers want energy bars. After they received a package of homade cookies from our congregants, they insisted on protein and energy bars only. Store-bought. Last year, freeze tag was the game of choice at shul. Now it’s relay races. The rabbi wants to go back to paper football. He says it’s easier to get people to volunteer when they’re not running. I've got hit by those triangular paper towels. Some of these kids have no idea how to flick. Can't flick a triangle between the fingers of the other guy. It's like they're facing the wrong way when they flick. How quickly everybody forgot about what happened in Israel. I heard everybody is volunteering in Israel. In our shul, people are watching videos. That's all they do. They watch videos and say 'I have served my country.' The Davening truly was painful. When they figured out how slow they can go, they went slower. People left. They withdrew their membership thanks to Shimon and Baruch. Bernie does Daven real slow. And even he finished before Shimon got through the first paragraph of the Amida. And Shimon is the one who is always complaining we pray to slow. Once he gets up there, it's different. Shimon somehow knows we all like hearing his voice. He goes into this 1950s crooning to H'. Like he is serenading Gd. I have no problem with serenading Gd. However, you wouldn't want Shimon standing there, at your front door, with his barbership quartet, doing the Kedusha for half an hour. The carzy thing is he picks fast tunes and does them real slow. That makes it even more annoying. The rabbi later explained that he was not praising himself. He was just noting how bad this generation in our shul is. Though, he is a Tzadik for dealing with Ruchel. Her husband can't stand her. She has taken him to so many Miley Cyrus concerts. She forces him. We had a shul volunteer day for Israel, to make packages for the soldiers. One person showed. The energy bars and the underwear were not separated. He didn't have time for that. He just threw them all in a really big box and shipped it. Then he took energy bars home, and some boxers by accident. Donations didn't happen. Everywhere else in the world people gave money. Our congregants were worried that if they gave money they would then be asked to pay their dues. Instead they gave used underwear. A couple people popped in for a minute because they needed some essentials for their own house and they didn't have time to go to Costco. The rabbi gave a class on volunteering. That was not well attended, as you had to volunteer to come to the class. If what I am speaking is Lashon Hara, I am guessing none of you know our community, and you will probably never meet these people, as they would never help with anything. You probably won't see them at shul either. If they're not leading, they don't show up. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I went back to my alma mater and I found so many anti-Israel protest tables on the quad. I had to stick up for Israel and our people. I won't say the name of the alma mater, as it is an Ivy League, and the students are apparently very dumb. I am worried for the Jewish students on campus now. H' Yishmor. Gd should guard us.
I had to argue with somebody who was vehemently pro-Palestine, which they figured is located somewhere near Thailand. And the arguments got worse from there. Here are some of the arguments I had with these very well-educated people. It's Not Antisemitism Argument I told them that their anti-Israel sentiments were exactly antisemitism. And I asked, 'Why are there always attacks on Jewish communities in America or Europe when Arabs attack Jews in Israel?!' One student exclaimed, 'Israel is located in Europe. You fool.' I received a strong argument in return that it’s only anti-Israel, as a Jew right next to us with a Kippah was being chased by a Palestinian flag. I had to explain to one pro-Palestinian protester that 'Allah Akbar' does not mean 'kill Jews.' I was personally offended when one student said it means to not have control over your vehicle when you're driving it in a crowd. When I told them that the translation is 'Gd is greatest,' they explained to me how it's the same thing. Later that day, they were not cheering 'Allah Akbar' anymore. They were just chanting 'Kill the Jews.' I asked why they took out 'Allah Akbar.' They explained to me that they checked with some of their Muslim friends what Allah Akbar means and their Muslim friends said Jews have the same belief. They said, 'If that's the case. We hate Akbars.' I asked why these students for finger paint as a real art were so involved in this anti-Israel protest. They said, 'Because we are atheists, and we believe the Gd of the Muslims is the true Gd.' How finger painting turned into a college course, I have to ask the administration. I believe there was a protest and they gave in. One very bright Ivy League woman said they’re not anti-Semites. She was holding a banner that said, ‘All Jews should die.’ I asked how that’s not antisemitism. She said, ‘Jews should die. But I still love them.’ The What Hamas Really Wants Argument It's hard to make peace with people whose only stated goal is to kill you. I let the student know that this is their goal. One student looked at me blankly, ‘Then what is the problem?’ I told one liberal who was chanting 'give peace a chance,' that this isn't Vietnam. I told them that Hamas wants to destroy Israel and kill the Vietnamese. They said, 'Because the Vietnamese are Jews.' I showed them a video of Hamas leaders telling them to kill Jews. They kept on saying that is not what Hamas is about. They said they trust Hamas. I said, 'Then you should trust what they say.' They let me know that that sentiment is anti-Hamas 'which is very offensive, and I am hurt.' I was thus introduced to the logic of how Palestinians want peace with Israel when they say that Jews should die and that Israel should not exist. I showed them the Hamas charter which says to avoid any negotiations for peace and to destroy Israel or die through martyrdom. They said, 'You still have to negotiate.' I reiterated that they are against negotiation. They said, 'Then you should negotiate with them.' When I explained that negotiations by definition need the other people, they said, 'Stop lying.' Acts of Terror I was not dissuaded when the non-student, who was apparently a student, somehow, though they were not part of the university, argued that shooting from behind their children is to be commended. I asked for an explanation, and they told me that 'as long as Hamas does it, it’s OK.' It got out of hand when they argued, 'Using civilians to protect your fighters is a good idea. All is fair in love and war.' I exclaimed, 'But they are not fighting their own civilians.' To which they said, 'The Gazan civilians are Jewish.' I told them about the inhumanity of the human shield. They said, 'And warriors have always had shields.' I told them that they had shields made of metal, not babies. They said, 'You use what you have.' Follow-up Notes I have a hard time arguing with such hatred for the Olam, the world. There is no Emes in what these students that aren't students are arguing on behalf of their professors. I knew there was no coming back when the pro-choice girl said that rape is fine if it's part of your culture. Then they blamed the Gazan Jews for hitting the hospital with a rocket through the Jews of Islamic Jihad. I hope I am better equipped to go back and educate them next week. I have to work on my ability to convince them that Israel exists in Israel. ***To Brachot and Kavod to our Holy Brothers and Sisters who went to Shamaim too soon. And may we see the return of our people that have been kidnapped, as we pray for their health and immediate return. Words can't express the devastation and concern for the loss and atrocities, and the heartfelt gratitude to our soldiers. Mishtatfim BTzar Shel HaAm The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How do you know that it's a mitzvah to drink soda on Shabbos? Because it says in davening: תקנתה שבת רציתה קרבנותיה 'Ratzita Carbonteha (your sacrifices).' (Mordechai)
You get it? 'Your carbon is wanted.' A carbonated carbon. Same word. Different languages. Brilliant pun. Maybe sacrifices were carbonated. You don't know. I didn't have time to bring Karbanot. Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices. (Mordechai) You get it? Karbanot are sacrifices (even if now we decided to spell it with a 'k', and it was with a 'c' a sentence ago). He should've made a sacrifice, finding time to bring the sacrifice. Sacrifices take sacrifices. Since the beginning of Elul, the blowing has been good Shofar. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? So far. Shofar. Instead so far, we wrote 'Shofar.' The Shofar is the horn we blow. They wanted to clean the silver on the Torah. Instead, they Polished it. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? People from Poland are Polish. They should‘ve polished the silver. Nobody knows what it means. Maybe put a Polish person on it. If you're Polish, we do not mean to offend you. At the Kibbitzer, we are sure that many Polish know how to polish very well. And we are also sure that many Polish people are very bad at polishing. We don't discriminate. In what month does light shine out of the table? Tish-ray. (Mordechai) You get it? Tishrei is the Jewish month. A Tish is a table in Yiddish. Ray coming out of the table. It‘s because of all the holidays in Tishrei, that it shines. Education. Puns are about education. When you build a Sukkah, you have to have the right in-tent. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Intent. In tent. The Sukkah is a tent. You also need to have the right intent, Kavanah, when building a Sukkah. It all comes together in a pun.. Adam and Chava ate a lot of apples to fulfill the Mitzah to be fruitful. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? We are told to be fruitful and multiply. Apples are a fruit. They‘re told to not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. They ate. So much here. Levels. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke: Bereishit10/14/2023
Announcements
Due to this past week in Israel, we are collecting donations for our new shul bouncy house. We are asking people to do Kaddish in unison. Kaddish is not a popularity contest to see who will get people to answer theirs. We all know nobody likes Baruch. We are asking for the same speed from all Kaddish sayers. Phillip has been speeding ahead and we have noticed that everybody is responding to Phillip's Kaddish, and not Baruch. We understand that most people don’t like Baruch. Even so, he deserves an ‘Amen’ too. Even if nobody likes him. I think we can all agree we liked his parents. The community rally for Israel will not take place at our shul because the Jewish Federation does not want people messing it up. They have seen what our membership can do when they help out. We are going to have a community sing along. This will include members of other shuls that have people with decent voices. ‘Yehi Shalom’ will be the song. As well as ‘Anachnu Maminim.’ They mean something to the rabbi. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 2:15) ‘And H’ took man and placed him in Gan Eden, to work it and guard it’... I didn't mean to start with the 'w' word. I know that scares you. Work scares you. In the meantime, our brothers and sisters are being attacked in Israel. And our kids got destroyed by the Episcopalians in floor hockey... Let’s talk about what we can do. I understand there are worse people out there than our board... We are here to do stuff. We were placed in the Gan Eden to work it and guard it. And that was before you messed it up... It was probably our board. They have messed up so many... Being with our Israeli brothers in a time where evil they were under attack, they guarded our nation with light. People came together. That means they sung ‘Yehi Shalom.’ When the rockets were being shot at Jerusalem we sung.., You sing about peace in Jerusalem’s walls. That’s what we were doing in Jerusalem, in the bomb shelter. Thinking about Gd. About peace. I can tell you. I did not think about our board. I did not think about Shloimy with his questions every time I want to get home after Davening... We are going to sing 'Yehi Shalom' together... Because that’s how you guard the world. A good song... Please stop. For H's sake. Hearing our membership sing makes me question why I was placed here. In this shul. Gd would’ve never given you the job of singing. There's a reason that was for the Levites. This kind of singing can mess up the world... That’s not harmony Yakov. It's bad. Right now, I’m not thinking about Gd. I’m just thinking about how to get Helen to stop. What song are you singing???!!! We're singing 'Yehi Shalom.' Peace be within the walls... When you sing 'Anachnu Maminim' I stop believing. Something about this congregation that just hurts belief... You would've definitely ate from the tree of knowledge. You couldn't even hold off from the potato kugel at Kiddish. You devoured it... You were on a diet. (Bereishit 2:17) The one thing we can’t do is eat from the tree of knowledge, ‘for on the day you eat from it, you shall surely die.’ Like an idiot. The one thing you're told not to do... If you were told to not watch American Idol, you would die. You would watch it and you would die... I ask that we don't have messed up people leading Davening. Because you make me want to kill myself. Knowledge kills people... At least a lot of stupid stuff is said. If we took all the professors in our shul, we would have to listen to a lot of stupidity... Torah is the one bit of knowledge you don’t know... Matrix is not Torah. It was a deep movie. When you make decisions, that’s when there are problems. Knowledge has you doing dumb stuff to this congregation. Discussing Nietzsche at junior congregation... If you didn’t think, you would give Tzedakah to good people. You would donate good stuff. Not classic undershirts… You don’t wear them. They’re not comfortable. That doesn’t make them a good donation. The only thing you thought about was how to get it out of your house… The shul board thinks and there’s death to anything decent... And Yakey thinks he has a decent voice. Donations for the new shul bouncy house??? What is the justification for this? Israel is going through hell... Living as Jews is a good way to fight terror. Yes... You’re not sending the bouncy house to the kids in Israel... How are they going to fly out here for a bouncy house... This is you donation?! You offered displaced people a bouncy house in America… You can live in a bouncy house, Shaindel… Committee meetings. That is how you bring destruction to the world. You mess up everything. That’s why the Jewish Federation doesn’t want the rally at our shul. You’ll have a committee meeting and they’ll call it off. And then nobody will support Israel… Your Kaddish causes disunity. It's almost as bad as Helen and Yakey singing. Israel is how we keep this world moving. How we guard the world. Israel with decent songs... I don't know why. I just know that if you think about it, you'll destroy it. Just get one of our shul committees on it, and you’ll destroy it. Rivka's Rundown The big takeaway from the rabbi's sermon is that diets don't stop people from sinning. It turns out that people on diets eat apples. And our shul members are the reason for anything bad in the world. In the rabbi’s mind, the board represents total evil. Hamas is also bad. But they’re not responsible for the rabbi not getting a raise. The rabbi was in Israel when Hamas did the most vile acts. He sung with our Israeli brothers and sisters. He prayed. As he said, ‘I could’ve never done it with this congregation. I feel like I’m a better Jew when I’m not around our congregants.’ We are honored to have a rabbi that cares so much about Israel, he’s afraid that if we go we’ll mess it up. To quote our rabbi: ‘Peace is not having to think about congregants.’ That is how our rabbi defines Shalom. Shloimy truly hounds the rabbi with questions about Yiddishkeit. The rabbi hates answering those questions. That singing about peace was really disjunctive. There was no unity in our singing. I truly think that our congregation singing about peace will bring disunity. It's good we sung what was meaningful to the rabbi. If the shul did stuff they found meaningful, we would be sunbathing singing The Beach Boys. Ethel loves them. Our shul is selfish. Anything for a fundraiser. I don't think we've ever sent money to Israel. The classic cut undershirts donation to Women for Autism did not make much sense. I think the Finkelwitzs just wanted them out of their house. Those undershirts just choke people. The Finkelwitzs kept the v-necks. The bouncy house is amazing. We're all loving it. If any of our Israel brothers and sisters want to use it when they visit, the committee said they can if they give a donation. Our shul committees truly destroy and program. Our members didn’t end up going to the rally. There was a committee meeting to decide what our shul should do at the rally to show solidarity. A fight between Yankel and Frayda broke out and that was it. It was decided that who gets to decide on the theme for the shul Chanukah party is more important than Israel. And with all of this, they’re still fighting over Kaddish and Aliyahs. The rabbi said that none of this is Lashon Hara, as all of our shul our Rishaim that always do evil things. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I was at Beit Knesset Shir Chadash in Jerusalem for Simchat Torah, when the first sirens went off last Saturday morning. We went to the bomb shelter as a congregation and sang 'Yehi Shalom.' Simchat Torah wasn't a holiday anymore. It was now a moment. A moment of this kind of emotional dancing for our people. We sang, we danced and drank a bit of whiskey. Whiskey can help when rockets are being shot at you. That's something I learned.
Since then, I have witnessed the greatest show of national unity I've ever seen. A nation unified. That's how we respond to terror. We don't give in. We help. We say we want to volunteer and hope we don't have to. And then we look at our phones and worry. The hurt won't go away. It will be there. Even so, there are little bits of laughter found in the tears. With that said... Here are a some of the many ways I have seen Jews in Israel and around the world the past week, as well as myself, to the heinousness. This is what you do. Put an Israeli Flag on Your Profile Page This is patriotism. It also gets you likes, which is more important. Best is adding a flag to your previous profile picture, so people think you took that photo of Niagra Falls in Israel. Worry Worrying is very important. Worry About Any Noise All noise scares me now. Somebody turned on the washing machine last night. They should've warned us. We heard the garbage truck the other day in the Modiin area and ran to the bomb shelter. Before this past week, I never realized how much noise dumpsters make. Maybe they should wait till things calm down to collect trash. The neighbor's kid wanted gummies, and their parent told them it's not healthy. That led to a tantrum, which led to us running to the bomb shelter. The parents were right. Gummies are not healthy. The gummy almost caused a heart attack in our house. Pray A Lot A lot of Tehillim. What the Shir Hamalot stuff means, we still don't know. It's Hebrew. But we say it. Charedi neighborhoods are having full nights of Tefillah and repentance. You can do that or say a chapter of Tehillim. I do the chapter of Tehillim. It's about time management. Look at Your Phone Watch any video. All videos work. This will help you worry more. Your phone should be checked all day, just in case you had a moment where you thought people were good. Share Videos of Love For Israel Videos that will cause you to lose your American job in two weeks. It will take around two weeks for people to say they hate Jews again. If You Have a Business - Make Sure People Know You Care To Quote HaMosach Shel Tzachi: 'At Tzachi's Garage we here wis you during dese hard time. You all be safe. Come for oil change and we be sure to get your car taken care of right way. Only 500nis.' Tzachi doesn't use spellcheck. Kindness The people of our Homeland are kind, and it shines during these hard times. I have not seen kindness like this in years. People are letting others cut them in line at the grocery. Cars are stopping to let you cross the street. Tremps (picking up hitchhikers who need to get places) are abundant and very scary. Buses are stopping at the bus stops and letting people on. The kindness is never ending. Sing ‘Anachnu Maminim Bnei Maminim’ It's just what we do whenever we have a chance. Whether it's a wedding, a football match, or a war. It also works at protests and when your teacher shows up late to class. You can also sing it when you're in the Shuk with friends, or passing a random stranger in Jerusalem that doesn't know you're a fan of Beitar. And you sing that song with jumping. Better yet. Watch videos of soldiers singing it in jump dance formation. That is solidarity. A circle of people jumping in unison in non-unified form. Truth be told. Seeing that touches my heart. Share Stuff on Social Media Anything. Share it. It's your way of helping. What should you share? Tradition is to collage a bunch of pictures in video form to the backdrop of sentimental Mizrachi music. It should look as close as possible to a Bat Mitzvah video, but with more people singing ‘Anachnu Maminim.’ Send Go Fund Mes to Other People Without having donated yourself. Note: You don't have to donate to look good posting stuff. Going Out Living. That’s how we win wars. Not letting them bring down our morale. Going out to restaurants is how we fight. That’s what I’m doing. I've been eating a lot. I hope that helps the effort. Soldiers Do Jewish Stuff That Saves Lives Start wearing Tzitzit. It saves lives. I hear the story and I am touched. I see the videos of the nation united in Tzitzit and I am touched. I see it and I believe that a day will come soon where I can put on Tzitzit and not sweat. A day where Tzitzit don't itch. All the stories are so touching. Baking For Soldiers Cookies. Soldiers like cookies. Chocolate chip. Truth is most people like chocolate chip cookies. I'm getting the feeling that many of the cookies don't make it to the soldiers. Cook The whole country is cooking. Cooking for the soldiers. Cooking for the holy people from the south. Miracles. Supermarkets aren't stocked and the country is cooking. Not going to lie. So much food has been brought to the soldiers. They have all the good stuff. Thousands of pizzas. I'm embarrassed to say, I was by a base. I took the pizza. Drawing If you're a kid, drawings are amazing. Nobody wants a crayon drawing from a guy in his mid-forties. Which is why I didn't draw for the soldiers. Me drawing with a crayon at this point is creepy. Seeing a man my age with a crayon is creepy. Though, I would love to draw. It looks fun to make a messed-up illustration of a dragon that somehow represents the Jewish people, and then to have people appreciate it. Donating Blood You do what you can. You give what you can. If that's life. You give it. Be it blood or cookies. I think the cookies are appreciated more. Try to Volunteer Good luck. You're competing with too many people. Do Not Pay Anybody Now is the best time to get free work done for you in Israel. Been looking to save money on renovations. Now is the time. People are finally willing to work for nothing. Whatever is needed. Right now, is the time to put up that new chandelier. Electricians will volunteer. I've never heard so many people ask, 'What can I do?' What can you do? You can help me move my couch. And then I can use help shellacking the deck. Ask People How They Are Responses to Expect: ‘Amazing.’ ‘Doing great.’ ‘Awesome.’ 'Love life.' Tell People to 'Stay Safe' If they're not safe, abort all other questions and talk to somebody else. You don't need negativity in your life. Respond Positively to All Questions To quote me, 'I'm fine. They were shooting in the town next door, half a kilometer away, yesterday... Yeah. They were cheering when the missiles were sent at us. I'm doing great. I'm feeling safe.' Note: None of your friends overseas want to hear you complaining. As long as you tell them their shooting at you with an upbeat voice, it's OK. Protest If you're not in Israel, you protest. Protest or have a rally. They look the same. If you're not singing 'Anachnu Maminim' I can't tell if it's pro or anti-Israel. There are so many ways people have responded in kindness and beauty to the evil. That is one thing we can all do to pay our respects. Spread acts of kindness. That is what I learned from our people in Israel this week. I just pray for the holy souls that have went to Olam Haba. And I pray everybody who is out there comes back safely, so that I can start cutting people off on the highway again without feeling bad. ***To Brachot and Kavod to our Holy Brothers and Sisters who went to Shamaim too soon. Words can't express the devastation and concern for the loss and atrocities. Mishtatfim BTzar Shel HaAm The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcement
After the patheticness at the last Bat Mitzvah, and the lack of foresight preparing for Simchat Torah, the shul will be hosting mandatory Simcha Dancing classes throughout the month of Cheshvan. Simchat Torah, we’re going to have men and women circles. This way, people will be able to choose where they want to look. Nobody will be forced to focus on the horrific sight of men dancing in a circle. The shul would like to apologize for the Lulavs and Etrogs we picked up this year. To quote Mordechai, ‘The Etrogs were a lemon.’ We do ask that people not hurt each other next year. Lulavs should remain close to the body. They are sharp and they do hurt when you wave them like it’s a Tallis. We also ask you to stop hurting people with your tassels. Next time anybody hits anybody with a Jewish artifact they will get escorted out of the shul by security. With that in mind, we also ask congregants stop swaying back and forth during Davening. Your lack of body control, as exhibited by your dancing, is dangerous. The rabbi will be in Israel for Simchat Torah. As the rabbi expressed in his holiday message, 'There can only be Simcha when there are no congregants.' Rabbi Mendelchem's Guest Rabbi's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom You... (Devarim 33:8-10) Levi is going to carry the Urim and Tumim... Because the Levites didn’t mess up. They’re also going to be the teachers... Because they didn’t mess up everything. This isn’t the Simchat Torah committee... Yes. You messed up. You don’t even know how to dance... It’s the holiday where we dance for the Torah. You have a committee for Simchat Torah and not one of your knows the 'Mayim Mayim BSason'... And the Bat Mitzvah dancing. You don't hold onto the limbo stick to support yourself. The Mei Meriva??? Ahron did Teshuva (Ramban). So, you can’t hold it against him... You were sitting in the back talking all of Musaf on Yom Kippur. Did you do Teshuva for that?! I know it’s hard to repent when Yom Kippur already passed. You were talking the whole of Yom Kippur, in shul... I know it's hard to repent for Yom Kippur, when you need Yom Kippur... And why are we talking about bitter waters. Now you're bitter because you can't dance. The Levites would have taught you how to dance... ‘They kept the covenant.’ They kept the Brit Milah going, even in the desert. They didn't dessert H'... In the desert, they didn't desert. Exactly. They kept the Mitzvot. There's a reason, Shmuel who doesn't know how to dance the Mayim BSason doesn't teach it... ‘They shall teach Your ordinance to Yakov and Your Torah to Israel.’ Not Moishie. Who is Moishie??? You hired the worst Hebrew school teacher... We need teachers who know what holidays are coming up... You don't celebrate Simchat Torah with Matzah balls. We need a better board. We need people who know how to hold a Lulav without whacking people. We need relaxed congregants who don’t get all worked up about Lulavs and Etrogs... It’s the only Mitzvah you care about. And you attacked Max. Max was looking at a Lulav, you bumped him and took it, then poked him... It was a sharp Lulav. He’s 96 years old. There’s a Mitzvah to respect your elders. At least not whack them with branches... It’s because they didn’t mess up. Levi didn’t mess up like Kathryn, who is on the board... From what I have seen here, if you're on the board, you're not a Levite... Cheshvan is called a bitter month, because we have to deal with the congregants, and there are no holidays where the leave... Rivka's Rundown The sermon was given by a guest rabbi. Our rabbi was in Israel. The guest rabbi, only with us for three days, already can't stand the congregation. He didn't see us as his pupils yet, so he called us 'you.' Much of the membership felt that was intimate enough. The Lulav waiving did get violent. Our membership has no waiving control. Being near them during Lulav waiving is almost as dangerous as being near Baruch when he’s putting on his Tallis. Many members have been held up in the hospital with tassel whips. Lulav injuries include: The Hakafot back of the head bump. The pace around the shul wasn't fast enough, so the bottom of Mark's Lulav caught Feivel in the back of his neck. A hand with a Hadas through it. A pair of glasses that went when Ruchel tried waving her Lulav in all directions during Hallel. She hit six people on that. She even hit a little girl who was trying to get to her mom with the down direction Lulav wave. Then there was the black eye from Shalom, who saw a friend and tried to say 'hi' with his Lulav. And then hitting Max. That was wrong. It was over a box. They couldn't even see the Etrogs. So, they were check the boxes for nicks. Max had a pristine Etrog box, so they tackled him. Then he got whacked with a Lulav. The membership seemed to only hear that there was room for men and women to dance. They didn't hear the part about sides. So, it felt like a non-religious wedding. Bernie and Max Schulman tried bringing the traditional separate men's and women's sides. Being that the dancing was so off, and they couldn't control the train, the men ended up dancing on the women's side. The Simcha Dancing classes themselves were painful to watch. Just seeing our members walk in a circle is a painful sight. It seems that the only Jewish dance the congregants know is the shoulder hold, where you hold the shoulders of the guy in front of you. My take: The arm on somebody else’s shoulder does not constitute a dance. They’re doing it because they will fall otherwise. It's for balance. If it was Zumba they could do it. They can't dance normally as Jews. But they can do aerobics. Aerobics is the most Jewish thing our congregants do. I think the rabbi blames the shul board for everything. He blamed them for the teachers at the day school as well. The visiting rabbi even blamed them, and he just met them. The day school teachers know nothing about Judaism. But they do know how to teach Zumba. After the Chag, we heard about the attacks in Israel. We called our rabbi and he said he was safe. I believe he thought we were asking how it was being away from the congregants. He answered, 'I am safe. I haven't had any questions about services here.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXVI10/5/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the holidays with David’s visit to the graves before Rosh Hashana, his spotting of a Shofar bag in Jerusalem and the Tefillah overlooking the Old City that only David would complain about, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about everything you enjoyed over the Chagim.
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People build a Sukkah, but how do you make your Sukkah festive. How do you make it a place to be for the holiday. We shall help with that. The simple answer is to do Mitzvot. Now let us delve and share what we've learned from the many Sukkahs we've frequented in over the years.
Decorate It How? Gourds, paper chains and anything else your child made at school. Hopefully it will rain, and you’ll be able to throw out their artwork. Note: Pumpkins are a type of gourd, making it the perfect decoration to usher in our Jewish October holiday. Christmas decorations also bring out the Sukkot holiday spirit. The more religious you are, the more you'll want to use Christmas decorations. Festivity is the key. Hence you want to cut out the paper strips for your Sukkah chain. Known as Jewish origami, you loop and connect the paper with staples. Staples is the distinguishing factor of Jewish origami. Making for festivity. How the Japanese still haven't figured out staples is mind-boggling. They make origami so much easier. Eat in It That means brisket. That's the Mitzvah. Hang Sticky Tape This way, the flies that were in your Sukkah do not leave. The tape attracts the flies, keeping them in one spot, right above the table. You will also want to hang a large jar of honey. This will ensure you have bees in your Sukkah while you eat as well. I will say to watch out for some bees. Though watch out, even with their own jar, some bees still won't let you enjoy your honey on your Challah. Bring Out the Food Cooking for the whole family is part of the tradition. They came. They didn’t help. They won’t help serve it either. You cook the food, serve it and make them happy. The way to make your Sukkah meaningful is to not enjoy it yourself. Nobody will help. Host Sukkah Hoppers This means to have sweets ready. Sukkah hoppers are a rogue group of homeless six-year-olds in your neighborhood that got kicked out of their family Sukkahs and need candy. Now this group of kids, six-year-old candy thugs, comes around forcing you to give them gummies. This group will pop into your Sukkah without knocking and sing 'VSamachat BChagecha' for as long as it takes to get those little gooey fish. They can go on for a long time, as they have even created another new tun for this song about being happy during the holiday. Give them the sweets or they may get violent, or worse, they will start dancing. Torah Conversations That won’t happen. Be content with a conversation about how the rabbi and the shul board messed up the in Sukkah Kiddish. That's close enough to Torah. Sleep in the Sukkah You bring out your bed, and you camp in a tent connected to your house. I know it's scary to be outside in the wilderness. Don't worry, we have developed Sukkah AC units for this camping experience. Wave Your Lulav in It That will mess up the Schach. I've seen the way my congregants wave their Lulavs around uncontrolled, violently whacking others and the light above the ark. Programs Programs should rhyme. Rhyming programs are more meaningful. Hukkah in the Sukkah. Great program. It rhymes. It's meaningful. Also an excellent program for the Sukkah Hoppers. Torah in the Sukkah doesn't sound as good, which is why it's not a program. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We are starting a campaign for new members. We've lost many congregants to the Coffee House chain. It turns out that conversation is much more convenient at the Coffee House, where Shacharit doesn't interrupt your conversation and you don't have to talk over a Chazin. We apologize for the cantor leading services and being too loud, interrupting a decent dialogue about Marketplace's food court. The Chazin has picked Yom Kippur tunes that don’t fit the words, to make for a more spiritual Davening. Forgiveness Our Members Should be Requesting: Sorry for my flatulence. Sorry I was never helpful. Sorry for parking like a fool; there were lines; I parked on the line. Sorry for being me. Sorry for never hosting the rabbi. Menachem is religious this week. He will be Davening louder, shuckling more, and walking more hunched over to be closer to Gd before Yom Kippur. Please do not express any anger at him for praying extremely loud. He will go back to his mellow Davening form after Gd forgives him. After Yom Kippur, he will also go back to talking during Davening real loud. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. The earth and heavens listen. They hear all the dumb stuff you say at Kiddish... Me having to listen to it is painful enough... Just knowing how many times they heard you ask Shlomo for forgiveness... You talk Lashon Hara about him right afterwards. And then he hates you for telling him you did it... You should've just said, 'I'm the one who ruined your life...' (Devarim 32:7) ‘Remember the days of the world, understand the years generation to generation. Ask you father and he will tell you, your elders and they will say it to you.' That’s history... Yes. Not being you means something. You know less than the people who have been around. Max knows more than you, Pete. And Sadie is the wisest in our shul. She even knows to stay away from Fran when Fran is talking about how great her grandkids are. You're the smartest Sadie and we can all learn from you... Even if they can’t figure out how to use a laptop, they’re smarter than you... I can care less that you’re eight. If we learned from history, we would know that our tunes don’t fit the prayers. Our Chazin is still trying to fit every note into Kedusha... You threw eighteen words into one note. If we learned from our history, you would know to not say dumb stuff about lawn care, when you know nothing about it. And you wouldn't serve on the board... Because you would've learned from the last time you were on the board that you ruined the shul and made a rabbi want to leave... Me. You would have learned how to park a car... You're looking at a video to park the thing. I don't know if you're watching out for the curb or watching a foreign flick where a guy is parking on the left side of the street... If you learned from history, you wouldn’t tell Shlomo you talked about him... You would know he’ll hate you more again... You told Mark not to do business with him. You killed his Parnasa. The guy can't make a living because you told everybody he has hiccups... No. You don’t learn from the past. Or you wouldn’t have purchased that leaf blower. You guys haven't cared for your lawn in years... Last spring, you mowed the leaves into the grass. Learn from history. Yes... Chani should not be on the board... Bad decisions. Last time you did renovations... We still have a leak. You decorated it. We needed it fixed. We didn’t need a neon lit leak... They will tell you. Trust me. If you ask Bernie for his opinion. I don't think Bernie has ever not shared something that was on his mind... You have no filter Bernie. That's where the Lashon Hara comes from. He hated your outfit, Kathy. On Rosh Hashana, he told everybody... But you have to want to listen. You have to want to hear. You have to ask. ‘Ask your father... your elders.’ They don’t tell you because you don’t ask... Well you have to ask louder. They can’t hear. I tell you stuff all the time. it’s like you’re asking to sin. When you ask if it’s fine to run the gambling racket... The only time they can hear you is when you’re Davening on Yom Kippur. You’re so loud... They know you’re faking. That’s a fake cry... Bernie said it was a fake cry. They know that you don’t shuckle that much... Flipping the Tallit over your head does not make you religious. It just makes you more prone to bumping into stuff... You would've pulled on the string and not the curtain itself if you didn't cover your face with your Tallis... Maybe you would host me for dinner. That is just a nice thing you would do if you learned from... Your grandparents invited me, and they knew how to cook... You wouldn't bring salalmi on a plane and eat it with pickles... Deli smells good in a deli. You talk loud in shul. You do interrupt very loud... Talking loud is OK in a deli. If you're a waitress in a deli... I am not suggesting talking in shul. You talk real loud... You were talking right in front of Bill. He was in the middle of the Amidah and he has to hear about your grandkids... Bernie said you were annoying.... Yes. You talk loud too... Staying away from the farts is hard. I understand that’s why you don’t speak to some of our elders. The elders of our shul do fart loud. Rivka's Rundown Sadie gave a big donation to the shul after the rabbi's sermon. They were eating a pastrami sandwich and trying to figure out why people were angry. It smells disgusting. Shwarma on the flight isn't even as disgusting as deli. There is something about deli that makes it the most disgusting thing to eat in transit. The older people in the congregation complain a lot. And they do that out looud. I appreciate it. The young members are annoying and still can't cook a decent Kugel. The board always wants to renovate. They love renovating. They fix nothing. Just renovate. Every meeting is about a new renovation. They feel like they’re doing nothing if they’re not ruining the shul. Everything has to be new. If it's new it's better. That's the creed. The new chairs with no cushion are not better. Nor is the new Kugel with no noodles. Phil changed seats to not be near the farting. Mishaneh Makom Mishaneh Mazal (you change your place, you change your luck). Very true. But then Marleen pulled out a turkey pastrami sandwich. They truly just come to shul for good conversation. That and Kiddish. This is why everybody gets mad at the Chazin. He gets in the way of decent conversation. And when he's real Chuzpadik, Musaf carries over ten minutes into Kiddish. The shul board asked for less talking in shul. That chased away the congregants. The announcement in the Middle of Musaf sounded like this: 'We don't mean to offend Chani and Michel that talk all of Davening.' Chani and Michel don't come anymore. They figured that it's easier to talk at the Coffee House. It's a great chain with no rabbi. Mark and Lisa also left the shul. They joined a country club. It turns out the dues were less at Bergowitz Country Club. It doesn't sound classy, but Bergowitz is pulling in tons. It's a country club with a Jewish experience, which means golf. Tons of Jewish have opted for Bergowitz over shul. They are happy losing congregants. The talk at Kiddish was, 'If there is no talking in shul, then way come.' I personally love when the board gets up to make the announcement to not talk in shul. Then they go back to their seats and talk. I think it's best people don't talk. All they talk is Lashon Hara. A lot of Lashon Hara and not learning from history. One day a year, they don't talk Lashon Hara. They become religious for a day. Yom Kippur comes and they're flipping their Tallis over their head. The tunes never fit the prayers. The Chazin picks a tune he likes and he forces in the whole Kedusha to it. The rabbi wouldn’t eat anywhere anyways. He doesn’t trust the Hashgacha (kosher supervision) at our houses, or that we’re Jews. The congregants would fire the rabbi if he ate at their homes. They would never want a rabbi who thought they were good Jews. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Last year we talked about purchasing seats. This year we’re going to focus on saving money.
Don't buy prime cushion seating from the shul office this year. You're praying to Gd for a year of financial success. You don't want to start with a two-hundred-dollar seat debt. Two hundred dollars and you don't even get to take the chair home. It's a rip off. Best way to save money is to sit in the plastic section. Sit in the Plastic Chair Section The plastic section is for crowd overflow. Many of the people showing up to this section didn't think about purchasing Yom Kippur seats, making this the fiscally responsible way to spend the High Holidays. This section is full of people the congregation can't depend on to help or volunteer, again making this the right section for you. No shame in the plastic chair section. Keter chairs are quite comfortable. If you're sitting here, you probably didn’t pay dues. And you're probably not going to close on a decent commercial real estate property this Yom Kippur. That is fine. The savvy plastic sitter will act surprised when they walk into shul. Sitting in this section, you'll want to let people know that you had no idea that people purchase seats for the High Holidays. Advantages To the Plastic Section If you show up early enough, you can reset the plastic area to suit your needs. That means giving other people less room, and you being happy. Hence, making for a more meaningful Yom Kippur. Being that you have seat moving ability, you might want to bring an ottoman for greater relaxation. The Kohens in the Temple must've had ottomans for the Musaf service. It's long. And the plastic chair is mobile. Let’s say you want to take a break. You're sitting in the hallway with your handy dandy plastic chair. Yizkur comes and you're in the hallway looking classy with your portable sitting arrangement, while everybody else is standing. And if the services take more than twelve hours, take your seat out back for some decent relaxation and a sunbathe. Don't Be Afraid to Move Your Chair Never feel left out. If you want to be part of the action, place your plastic chair in the aisle. There's always room in the aisle. Somebody at my shul thought ahead and brought a lawn chair. He placed it right in the middle aisle. Lots of room there not being used. They had to walk around him with the Torah, but that was fine. He saved tons on that High Holiday seat, and he was able to return it to Walmart after Yom Kippur. I sat next to him. It's kind of like moving up to the dugout section at a baseball game, if the stadium didn't provide seats and you had to carry a plastic chair to the expensive section. Great way to get better value for your dollar on Yom Kippur. No Names on Chairs Write your name on the chair. It's about class. Even though you may even be bringing the chair from your house, which the financially savvy do, you should still have it assigned to you. It's part of High Holiday tradition. Sharpies work great. Don't use magic markers. Sharpies are much better, and they also bring a bit more acclaim to your plastic chair. Know Your Hebrew Name That should be what is on your chair. You don't want your chair reading, "Max the Son of Bernie Who Still Owes for His Seat." Stick Up for Yourself The plastic chair section can be a bit rough if you're not assertive. The guy in front of me last year set up his chair for his own needs. He showed up on time. During the service, he pushed the plastic chair back every chance he had. He coughed and pushed the chair back at the same time. He kept inching it back. By the end of the reading of Sefer Yona, he had a lot more space than anybody else in the shul. I was stuck doing the Mincha prayer on the balls of my feet. He was taking three full steps back, pacing during the prayers, and somehow I still got whacked in the face by the tassels when he was swinging on his Tallit (prayer shawl). Some shuls may offer portable cushioned chairs in the back section. Beware of these shuls. They may ask for a donation after the holidays. Better to sit on the floor than to fall for that bait and switch. I would also beware of doing any Mi SheBeyrach blessings for your family at these shuls. You think you're getting a deal; a free blessing for the family. Then, they spring the Tzedakah clause on you. Next thing you know, you're down eighteen dollars for caring about your family. If there is anything we learned, the plastic chair section is perfect for the thrifty Yom Kippur goer. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
If you heard the Chazin this Shabbis, that is what it’s going to be like for the High Holidays. We, the board, want to apologize. Give the rabbi a break. A little space. When he's walking, please stop following him with questions. The rabbi has stated he will file for restraining orders against congregants who have too many questions. He would also like you to know that when he's walking on the treadmill at the JCC, he does not want to have conversation. Rosh Hashana Resolutions Our Members Should Make: I will not chew with my mouth open. I won’t eat deli on the airplane, even if I brought the sandwich because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal. I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli. I will share the armrest during the High Holidays, even though the guy that sits next to me only shows up once a year. Selichot are this Saturday night. Maybe be a decent person. Maybe show up to Minyin. Maybe ask for forgiveness once in a while. Maybe mow your lawn and trim your hedges so the neighbors don’t hate you. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... To all those here. Much respect. It is Elul and it is the time to ask for forgiveness. With our Chazin, who takes way too long for everything, and this week being a double Parsha, the pain you are suffering should be an atonement. You've done a positive action for once... (Devarim 30:2-3) ‘And you will return to H’ your Gd and you will listen to His voice... And H’ will return your captive and have mercy...’ He will return us to Eretz Yisrael. We won’t have congregants following us everywhere. We’ll be redeemed from having to deal with the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. We won’t have to deal with a Chazin who thinks it’s a good idea to do a two hour Selichot at midnight. We will be redeemed... Redemption would be great. I’m just looking for congregants to stop following me. First we return, then H' will return us to Israel. First you have to do an action... I can't do everything for your Shloimy. There is no intermediary between you and H'... I'm trying to get you to stop following me home from Shul with questions... Redemption comes after we return. You have to do something first. Then H' will help us. You have to put in a little effort, unlike the board who does nothing useful. You have to resolute. Maybe you can stop coming to me with annoying questions. Stop chewing with your mouth open. Nobody wants to sit next to you during Kiddish... H’ promises us we will do it... No, you haven’t repented. Hanging out at The Stop... Stop taking credit for hanging out with your buddies and drinking. That's not Teshuva. You have to put in some effort. Unlike the effort you put into showing up to shul on time. The effort you put into prepping for football games. Why you have the Bills Rams colors on you...You’re not even going to the game. You live nowhere near LA. Do you dress up to bother your wife?! Rosh Hashana is coming... Yes. I’m talking about Teshuva. I’m not talking about who you should pick for the game. You don’t come to shul to pray for a fantasy win... It’s going to be a painful holidays with the Chazin. Having to hear him should be our atonement. (Devarim 30:6) ‘H’ your Gd will circumcise your heart and the heart of your offspring, to love H’ your Gd, with all your heart and all your soul, that you may live.' You don't decide if you live... You decide if you do Teshuva. You decide if you're going to bother me on the treadmill. You decide if you're going to bet on a game... Make it good. Circumcision is done by Gd. You have to show Him love and try to not be annoying… Maybe decide to show up to Minyin on time. Maybe share your armrest. Circumcise a bit of your armrest, to share it… Ibn Ezra teaches that the circumcision of the heart is that Gd will remove the spiritual impediments that get in the way of full repentance. Like congregants and Bernie... H’ will assist us. After we put in some effort and return. If we don't mess up the services, He will help us get out... You have to do for yourself. Stop following me. I can't get two minutes of a Shpatzir without somebody attacking me from the side with questions about the new chapel project... Let me walk. I need a circumcision so I can walk without getting harassed by a congregant.. ‘That you may live.’ Are we truly living here? Are you living when you pick a running back and they get injured in the first quarter?!… Are you living if Sam and Bayla are chewing next to you… Teshuva helps you live. And you need to be strong to do Teshuva. Michel can’t even do Hagba. The problem is you don’t believe. (Devarim 31:6) ‘Be strong and courageous, don’t be afraid and don’t be broken from before them, for H’ your Gd, He that goes with you, will not release you and will not forsake you.’ You need a bit of belief in Gd. You have to know that He is there to circumcise you… Yes. Even after the eighth day Gd can circumcise us again… If we know Gd is there, we can be courageous and strong. We know that there will be a day where we can walk to shul without being harassed with questions about Selichot and how long Davening will be this Rosh Hashana. A day where congregants will understand that they have to show up on the second day to hear Shofar. Congregants that are smart enough to know you don’t blow on Shabbat. A day where you don’t have to answer questions about which tuna is more environmentally sound… That’s why you’re weak and you can’t do it. You have no belief. You think that you’ll be lost without a whole row to yourself. You’re too weak to share… I saw you lose the elbow fight last Sukkot... Being strong and courageous. You don’t show your strength by elbowing the guy next to you in the chest and knocking him off his chair... You have to open up the seats for other people on the High Holidays. You need to be circumcised again. Either that, or we’re going to get pews… Israel doesn’t have enough space for people to not share. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi always talks about Teshuva, repentance, on Shabbat before Rosh Hashana. The resolution message is very good. Rachel needs to hear it. She has to resolute to not talk during Davening, and to be less annoying. I think another resolution our congregation can do is to only tell decent jokes this year. The amount of time I have been stuck listening to bad jokes by Merv, it’s not right. The ‘change’ message was very good. Just change. That was the rabbi’s message to the congregants. I believe he said ‘don’t be you’ at some point. I believe that was the most important message for Sam. The message of effort went nowhere. Nobody in the shul puts in any effort. The Machzorim (High Holiday Siddurs) on Rosh Hashana were in storage. Nobody put them out. People had to go to storage during Rosh Hashana services to find the box and take a Machzor. We had people that had never been in shul before treasure-hunting prayer books in the dark. Then, they couldn’t find the key. So, random people we never saw at shul before broke down the door. I believe the rabbi's idea of redemption is not having to see congregants. The resolution ideas to resolute went nowhere. They still carry around disgusting smelling food. And they all chew so loud. With the way they hum while they eat, it’s like a wind-instrument section. You can't sit next to any of the congregants at Kiddish. And I know there will be armrest fights again at shul this Yom Kippur. The way they fight over the armrests. One turned from elbowing into a full-on wrestling match. Himelstein ended up pulling the chair out of the bolts and slamming the other guy with it. The way the fight continued was 'you only come once a year.' And then the other responded, 'That's why the rabbi likes me.' Most of the men are not used to sharing seats. They still put their stuff on every seat in the row, to ensure nobody sits next to them. One seat is there for the guy’s glasses. The Stop is a hangout for mid to late twenties. A parent opened it and figured that the clientele would get the message to stop. They were used to telling their children to stop. I know this, because they’re always yelling at their kids in shul. They figured that telling their clientele to stop before they came into the establishment would get across the message that whatever they’re doing is wrong. Anything they’re doing. They truly follow the rabbi. I saw a woman Follow him all the way to shul. I have never seen the rabbi walk so fast. Yet, she kept up with him. Her Yenta abilities are amazing. They even allow her to speed walk. She went two miles out of her way. The congregants are willing to walk an extra two miles just to share their complaints. One went on for forty five minutes about the new faucet in the bathroom, and how the handle isn’t long enough for them. One congregant followed the rabbi eight miles to ask him if she bet on the Cincinnati Bengals. I don't know how you run up to somebody on a treadmill. But they do it. The rabbi put out a restraining order on all congregants. He is finally able to go to the JCC and get a decent workout in. The rabbi has put out stay away orders to the congregants. However, that just sounded rude. So, the board left it at restraining orders. Now the rabbi has his job in perpetuity. The shul will never fire the rabbi. They’re too afraid that he’ll sue for harassment. The Chazin was painful. I am very much with the rabbi. They care about football. The members come to shul to pray for a fantasy win. This past Shabbis, the rabbi got no questions about the High Holiday services. All questions were 'who's going to win week one?' A good dozen members asked if they should pick the Jets. Mark has a Bills cape. Like he's the team superhero fan. We live nowhere near Buffalo. One of our members is going for Smicha, rabbinic ordination, now. They're looking to become a community rabbi. They asked our rabbi if they should study psychology and counseling. The rabbi suggested that he study scouting reports. That is useful. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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That Seder started in the 1970s. That's how long a Seder can take when everybody shares their thoughts about the four sons. (Photo: Ted Spiegel - Ted’s probably getting Karet for this picture, unless if they started the Seder a day early to fulfill the family's hankering for Matazh)
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12/12/2023
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