Sermons of Rebuke III: VaYishlach and pre-Chanukah

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
You can make reservations for the shul Chanukah party by contacting the office. Do not bother the president. He is an angry person.
The shul Secret Shlomo will have certain gifts that are not allowed.
Due to how bad your gift choices have been the past many years, here is a list of gifts you can’t give that the rabbi will discuss at Temporary Halacha Class: The paddle with a ball attached, socks you stitched, sweaters you knitted, chocolate coins that are dairy...
 
The Mikvah cleaning project will start this Wednesday at 2pm.
We want to thank the sisterhood for organizing the event. It’s promised to be an exciting day of cleaning.
 
No more giving Divrei Torah without consent. Many congregants have been complaining about abuse at Kiddish, having to hear Torah thoughts while eating herring. We hired a rabbi for a reason. Divrei Torah are relegated to sermon.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My People...
Yes. You are my people. You mess up. But you're my people. My flock...
You give gifts. It’s part of making peace. Shalom. That’s what Yaakov gave Esav, to appease him. Something. You give something. You try. You pay your dues every once in a while...

(Bereishit 32:14) ‘And he took from what came to his hand, a tribute to Esav.’
You can give me from your house. A nice vase. A coffee table. A lawnmower.
Nobody gives gifts here. That’s why there are always fights in the shul... I understand you’re the Gabai. If you gave a gift instead of an Aliyah, they would like you. If you gave them a Sudoku puzzle pad...

I don’t even get Chanukah gifts from you. That's why I don't like you. That's why I can't stand the board... Maybe a raise. That’s a gift...
Yaakov seperated the gifts. It’s more exciting. That’s why you give gifts each noight of Chanukah. That’s why your kids don’t like Judaisim. Bad gifts... If Yaakov gave Esav chocolate coins, he’d hate Jews more... Dairy chocolate coins. Not even the dark chocolate ones. This is what you give.
I have never opened a dairy chocolate coin and not had it melted before it was in my mouth... Licking your fingers like Bernie flipping a page in the Siddur is disgusting... Chocolate coins are not a gift. They're not even money. I learned that the hard way. You feel like a fool when you're ten years old, trying to buy a Slurpee with chocolate coins... Slurpees would be a better gift.

I would be happy with oxen. Camels...

Yaakov plans his meeting with Esav.
Yaakov seperates his family. There would be more peace in shul if we seperated the shul... We should split the shul. Unimportant ones first... I am sending you away from me...
I would have sent the president first. A very angry person

You have never made plans before in your life... Every Chanukah program, you show up and you expect a spot. Kids have went without latkes because of you... Because they didn't make the twenty extra latkes you devour Menachem...
Your Chanukah gifts are not a plan. Unless if that plan is to make people unhappy. Socks you stitched are not a gift. They fall every time... because there is no elastic in them. I need a rubber band to keep it up... No. Rubber bands don't look good. And knitting a sweater?! This isn't Christmas...
No. You shouldn’t Shnur. You should pay for the Chanukah event.

The only thing you plan is to not help.
You never help. Will you show up for the Mikvah cleaning project? No. It’s a project.
You don’t have to be a woman to show. The sisterhood is not just for women. Do you men show up to men’s club events? No. Exactly...

Maybe help by not giving Divrei Torah... Beacuse your Torah thoughts are messed up... Quote Rashi and don't respond. Just quote Rashi and Ramban in Hebrew. No English translation. Nobody needs your commentary about how the Mikvah should be clean and how you shouldn't have to help. Nobody needs your commentary about how to give bad gifts...

It's a fight with you guys. It's a struggle... A struggle to make Jewish life a decent thing here.
(32:25-30) Yaakov wrestles with the angel... We don't even wrestle here. Yaakov understands that life is about struggle. Wrestling. With you as congregants, it's a struggle. You give no energy...
I’m not here to fight with you. Yaakov fights with the angel all night. I am ready to take on any one of you until I get a decent gift...

He gets the name Israel. I feel like the people of our shul should be called lazy...

Rivka's Rundown
Bernie changing pages in the Siddur is the most disgusting sight I have ever seen. I believe it would be better if he spat into a tissue. Even that would be disgusting.
I think the reason Bernie can't change the pages anymore is his Siddur's pages are all stuck.
Thanks to Bernie and his caustionary tale about phlegm, the children of our synagogue don't smoke.

Nobody in our shul has ever made reservations for anything. I don’t know why we have reservation as an option. I’m surprised Bar Mitzvahs have guests with table cards. There is no way our congregants are RSVPing.

The sisterhood organized the cleaning project. They didn't show up.
Nonbody showed to the Mikvah cleaning. They thought that if it was a sisterhood event people would show. They also though that if cleaning is involved, they should not show. At least the Mikvah is not dirtier.
You can try to advertise cleaning as fun. 'Exciting' doesn't get people to come if cleaning is involved. If the rabbi ever asks people to help clean at Kiddish again, we will lose all the congregants.
An exciting day of bouncy house jumping. That would draw people to clean the Mikvah. At least to the Mikvah. To clean it, that might not happen.

Dvar Torahs need consent. That is the greatest decision our board has made since the founding Avot and Imahot of our sul. The Dvar Torahs as given over by our membershiop are a form of abuse in our shul. People use Divrei Torah to express their political opinions about Trump. How they compared Esav to Trump at Kiddish this week with such ease, it just flows out of their mouths.

The shul president is a very angry person. That's true. He has to listen to every Dvar Torah the congregants give. It's painful.

Chanukah in shul is not enjoyable. I agree with the rabbi. No good gifts. This is why there are so many fights in shul, and everybody hates the Gabai.
If you know Bernie will never give you anything decent, why should you be nice to him?! Take his seat in shul. There are no repercussions. Just phlegm.
A bar of chocolate would be better than chocolate coins. And then I have that stuff stuck in my fingers all week. After I open a chocolate coin, I have to go to the manicure to deload the chocolate from my nails. I am never satisfied from the chocolate, because half of it I can't get to. And I won't start biting my nails.
The basic point is that the rabbi is expecting gifts from the congregants this Chanukah. Each night.

The proposal of seperating the shul for peace was taken very well by all members. I believe they realize they won't have to listen to Ruchel Sarah's Divrei Torah anymore.

Did the rabbi just challenge the president to a fight?! I believe he called it a fisticuffs. I don't know anybody under eighty who has said that. He challenged the president to a fight in the 1930s.
The next shul event is MMA. It's called the Yisrael Wars. We've pinned up the president vs the rabbi on the poster. If the president shows up with a decent gift with oxen, the rabbi said he will call off the fight.

Rabbi said this is the season of miracles. I think he’s been watching Hallmark. I’ve also gotten into the holiday shows and Santa. Later on the rabbi qualified his statement, 'If this is the season of miracles, nobody will get one of those rackets with a ball attached from Bernie this year... They stay attached for a minute... I am not sure even H' can cause the ball to stay attached to the racket with that rubber band. Those rubber bands are just as bad as the ones our congregants use on their socks.'