Sermons of Rebuke III: HaAzinu and Shabbat Shuva

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We are starting a campaign for new members. We've lost many congregants to the Coffee House chain. It turns out that conversation is much more convenient at the Coffee House, where Shacharit doesn't interrupt your conversation and you don't have to talk over a Chazin. We apologize for the cantor leading services and being too loud, interrupting a decent dialogue about Marketplace's food court.  

The Chazin has picked Yom Kippur tunes that don’t fit the words, to make for a more spiritual Davening.

Forgiveness Our Members Should be Requesting: Sorry for my flatulence. Sorry I was never helpful. Sorry for parking like a fool; there were lines; I parked on the line. Sorry for being me. Sorry for never hosting the rabbi.

Menachem is religious this week. He will be Davening louder, shuckling more, and walking more hunched over to be closer to Gd before Yom Kippur. Please do not express any anger at him for praying extremely loud. He will go back to his mellow Davening form after Gd forgives him. After Yom Kippur, he will also go back to talking during Davening real loud.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Yes. The earth and heavens listen. They hear all the dumb stuff you say at Kiddish... Me having to listen to it is painful enough...
Just knowing how many times they heard you ask Shlomo for forgiveness... You talk Lashon Hara about him right afterwards. And then he hates you for telling him you did it... You should've just said, 'I'm the one who ruined your life...'

(Devarim 32:7) ‘Remember the days of the world, understand the years generation to generation. Ask you father and he will tell you, your elders and they will say it to you.' That’s history... Yes. Not being you means something. You know less than the people who have been around. Max knows more than you, Pete. And Sadie is the wisest in our shul. She even knows to stay away from Fran when Fran is talking about how great her grandkids are. You're the smartest Sadie and we can all learn from you...
Even if they can’t figure out how to use a laptop, they’re smarter than you... I can care less that you’re eight.

If we learned from history, we would know that our tunes don’t fit the prayers. Our Chazin is still trying to fit every note into Kedusha... You threw eighteen words into one note.
If we learned from our history, you would know to not say dumb stuff about lawn care, when you know nothing about it. And you wouldn't serve on the board... Because you would've learned from the last time you were on the board that you ruined the shul and made a rabbi want to leave... Me.
You would have learned how to park a car... You're looking at a video to park the thing. I don't know if you're watching out for the curb or watching a foreign flick where a guy is parking on the left side of the street...

If you learned from history, you wouldn’t tell Shlomo you talked about him... You would know he’ll hate you more again... You told Mark not to do business with him. You killed his Parnasa. The guy can't make a living because you told everybody he has hiccups...
No. You don’t learn from the past. Or you wouldn’t have purchased that leaf blower. You guys haven't cared for your lawn in years... Last spring, you mowed the leaves into the grass.
Learn from history. Yes... Chani should not be on the board... Bad decisions.
Last time you did renovations... We still have a leak. You decorated it. We needed it fixed. We didn’t need a neon lit leak...

They will tell you. Trust me. If you ask Bernie for his opinion. I don't think Bernie has ever not shared something that was on his mind... You have no filter Bernie. That's where the Lashon Hara comes from.
He hated your outfit, Kathy. On Rosh Hashana, he told everybody...

But you have to want to listen. You have to want to hear. You have to ask. ‘Ask your father... your elders.’
They don’t tell you because you don’t ask... Well you have to ask louder. They can’t hear.
I tell you stuff all the time. it’s like you’re asking to sin. When you ask if it’s fine to run the gambling racket...

The only time they can hear you is when you’re Davening on Yom Kippur. You’re so loud... They know you’re faking. That’s a fake cry... Bernie said it was a fake cry. They know that you don’t shuckle that much... 
Flipping the Tallit over your head does not make you religious. It just makes you more prone to bumping into stuff... You would've pulled on the string and not the curtain itself if you didn't cover your face with your Tallis...

Maybe you would host me for dinner. That is just a nice thing you would do if you learned from... Your grandparents invited me, and they knew how to cook...
You wouldn't bring salalmi on a plane and eat it with pickles... Deli smells good in a deli.

You talk loud in shul. You do interrupt very loud... Talking loud is OK in a deli. If you're a waitress in a deli...
I am not suggesting talking in shul. You talk real loud... You were talking right in front of Bill. He was in the middle of the Amidah and he has to hear about your grandkids... Bernie said you were annoying....
Yes. You talk loud too...

Staying away from the farts is hard. I understand that’s why you don’t speak to some of our elders. The elders of our shul do fart loud.

Rivka's Rundown
Sadie gave a big donation to the shul after the rabbi's sermon.

They were eating a pastrami sandwich and trying to figure out why people were angry. It smells disgusting.
Shwarma on the flight isn't even as disgusting as deli. There is something about deli that makes it the most disgusting thing to eat in transit.

The older people in the congregation complain a lot. And they do that out looud. I appreciate it. The young members are annoying and still can't cook a decent Kugel.

The board always wants to renovate. ​They love renovating. They fix nothing. Just renovate. Every meeting is about a new renovation. They feel like they’re doing nothing if they’re not ruining the shul.
Everything has to be new. If it's new it's better. That's the creed. The new chairs with no cushion are not better. Nor is the new Kugel with no noodles.

Phil changed seats to not be near the farting. Mishaneh Makom Mishaneh Mazal (you change your place, you change your luck). Very true. But then Marleen pulled out a turkey pastrami sandwich. 

They truly just come to shul for good conversation. That and Kiddish. This is why everybody gets mad at the Chazin. He gets in the way of decent conversation. And when he's real Chuzpadik, Musaf carries over ten minutes into Kiddish.
The shul board asked for less talking in shul. That chased away the congregants. The announcement in the Middle of Musaf sounded like this: 'We don't mean to offend Chani and Michel that talk all of Davening.'
Chani and Michel don't come anymore. They figured that it's easier to talk at the Coffee House. It's a great chain with no rabbi. Mark and Lisa also left the shul. They joined a country club. It turns out the dues were less at Bergowitz Country Club. It doesn't sound classy, but Bergowitz is pulling in tons. It's a country club with a Jewish experience, which means golf. Tons of Jewish have opted for Bergowitz over shul.

They are happy losing congregants. The talk at Kiddish was, 'If there is no talking in shul, then way come.'
I personally love when the board gets up to make the announcement to not talk in shul. Then they go back to their seats and talk.
I think it's best people don't talk. All they talk is Lashon Hara. A lot of Lashon Hara and not learning from history.

One day a year, they don't talk Lashon Hara. They become religious for a day. Yom Kippur comes and they're flipping their Tallis over their head.

The tunes never fit the prayers. The Chazin picks a tune he likes and he forces in the whole Kedusha to it.

The rabbi wouldn’t eat anywhere anyways. He doesn’t trust the Hashgacha (kosher supervision) at our houses, or that we’re Jews.
The congregants would fire the rabbi if he ate at their homes. They would never want a rabbi who thought they were good Jews.