What Our Israeli Soldiers Need and Want

by David Kilimnick

A good Jew knows that feeling bad is the most important thing you can do to help the situation in Israel. However, the soldiers have not asked us to feel bad. That had me questioning if they were true Yireih Shamaim.
It turns out they do fear Gd. They just need practical stuff from us, and they want us to think positively.
Here is stuff our Israeli brothers and sisters in Tzahal have requested.

Energy Bars
I believe they have enough chocolate chip cookies. It would seem that the soldiers now want energy bars.
It turns out the soldiers don't like some of your recipes. Some soldiers complained that people were sending cookies that are not Duncan Hines. When you hear soldiers asking you for fig bars, that is a subtle way of letting you know that your baking is off. One unit had to a throw out a whole batch, because the cookies had raisins in them. Do our soldiers not deserve better?!
It would also seem that eating chocolate chip cookies and then puking on the battle field is not sustainable.

Duct Tape
Apparently scotch tape doesn't work in war either. Is that stuff good for anything?

Decent Boots
I have no idea who has been sending them totes. They're going out to battle for us. They're not going to shul on a rainy day.

Underwear
This one is just a ploy to get decent underwear in Israel, finally. The decent American underwear with a thread count of more than one. The kind of underwear that invests in a flap.
Now they have me questioning if they had underwear before. Going to the beach in Tel Aviv, I always knew the underwear was a swimsuit.
And to know that many soldiers end up returning their uniforms for other soldiers to use. What was happening until now.

Helmets and Knee Pads
I don't understand all of the army stuff. I guess they're preparing for extreme sports. Maybe some new form of parkour. Skateboarding is cool.

Tzitzit
More than helmets, they want Tzitzit. The soldiers understand the gravity of war. They just wear different protective gear than other servicemen in other countries, who are going to battle with bulletproof vests.
When you're fighting for Israel, you're fighting for the presence of H' in the world. Our soldiers know that you're not truly going to battle evil unless if you feel a little tickle going down your legs.
I get it. I grew up in the Army of H'. Now I don't want to brag about my days as a warrior, getting Mitzvah points. All I can say is that I was a soldier at one point in my life. Even though I may have never saved a life, Chabad helped me feel like a hero when I was in third grade. And though I failed the Chumash and Rashi quiz, thank you Chabad. I took that test with Tzitzit on. I failed the test, but I won the battle.

They want us to Have a Good Shabbis
They want us to feel bad. That's what they really want.
To quote a loving soldier, 'We can't have a normal Shabbat on the front line. But you enjoy. Enjoy Shabbat for us. Sing. Dance. Celebrate.' Just throw on the guilt.

Advocate for Them
This does not meant telling everybody how many computer chips Israel has invented. We're not worrying about Hamas and the PA boycotting Israel.

They Want Drawings
They want our support, and that comes in the form of a six year old drawing a messed up Israeli flag with purple crayons. How kids are so not artistic, and can't differentiate colors. It's pathetic. Yet, it makes the soldiers happy. So, have the kids write thank you letters, even if they can't spell.
One soldier wanted me to thank you on their behalf for all the chocolate chip cookies of appreciation. It turns out his unit is the most out of shape unit in Tzahal right now.

Next time we'll talk about how we've been sneaking the helmets and underwear past ELAL security. And how I told them the 12,000 Fig Newtons on the pallet I was carrying onto the plane were for me.