Sermons of Rebuke: Bereishit

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Due to this past week in Israel, we are collecting donations for our new shul bouncy house.

We are asking people to do Kaddish in unison. Kaddish is not a popularity contest to see who will get people to answer theirs. We all know nobody likes Baruch.
We are asking for the same speed from all Kaddish sayers. Phillip has been speeding ahead and we have noticed that everybody is responding to Phillip's Kaddish, and not Baruch. We understand that most people don’t like Baruch. Even so, he deserves an ‘Amen’ too. Even if nobody likes him. I think we can all agree we liked his parents.

The community rally for Israel will not take place at our shul because the Jewish Federation does not want people messing it up. They have seen what our membership can do when they help out.
We are going to have a community sing along. This will include members of other shuls that have people with decent voices.
‘Yehi Shalom’ will be the song. As well as ‘Anachnu Maminim.’ They mean something to the rabbi.
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Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bereishit 2:15) ‘And H’ took man and placed him in Gan Eden, to work it and guard it’... I didn't mean to start with the 'w' word. I know that scares you. Work scares you. In the meantime, our brothers and sisters are being attacked in Israel. And our kids got destroyed by the Episcopalians in floor hockey...
Let’s talk about what we can do. I understand there are worse people out there than our board...

We are here to do stuff. We were placed in the Gan Eden to work it and guard it. And that was before you messed it up... It was probably our board. They have messed up so many... 

Being with our Israeli brothers in a time where evil they were under attack, they guarded our nation with light.
People came together. That means they sung ‘Yehi Shalom.’ When the rockets were being shot at Jerusalem we sung.., You sing about peace in Jerusalem’s walls. That’s what we were doing in Jerusalem, in the bomb shelter. Thinking about Gd. About peace. I can tell you. I did not think about our board. I did not think about Shloimy with his questions every time I want to get home after Davening...

We are going to sing 'Yehi Shalom' together... Because that’s how you guard the world. A good song... Please stop. For H's sake. Hearing our membership sing makes me question why I was placed here. In this shul. Gd would’ve never given you the job of singing. There's a reason that was for the Levites. This kind of singing can mess up the world... That’s not harmony Yakov. It's bad.
Right now, I’m not thinking about Gd. I’m just thinking about how to get Helen to stop. What song are you singing???!!! We're singing 'Yehi Shalom.' Peace be within the walls...
When you sing 'Anachnu Maminim' I stop believing. Something about this congregation that just hurts belief... You would've definitely ate from the tree of knowledge. You couldn't even hold off from the potato kugel at Kiddish. You devoured it... You were on a diet.

(Bereishit 2:17) The one thing we can’t do is eat from the tree of knowledge, ‘for on the day you eat from it, you shall surely die.’ Like an idiot. The one thing you're told not to do... If you were told to not watch American Idol, you would die. You would watch it and you would die...
I ask that we don't have messed up people leading Davening. Because you make me want to kill myself.
Knowledge kills people... At least a lot of stupid stuff is said. If we took all the professors in our shul, we would have to listen to a lot of stupidity... Torah is the one bit of knowledge you don’t know... Matrix is not Torah. It was a deep movie.

When you make decisions, that’s when there are problems.
Knowledge has you doing dumb stuff to this congregation. Discussing Nietzsche at junior congregation... 
If you didn’t think, you would give Tzedakah to good people. You would donate good stuff. Not classic undershirts… You don’t wear them. They’re not comfortable. That doesn’t make them a good donation. The only thing you thought about was how to get it out of your house…

The shul board thinks and there’s death to anything decent... And Yakey thinks he has a decent voice.
Donations for the new shul bouncy house??? What is the justification for this? Israel is going through hell... Living as Jews is a good way to fight terror. Yes...

You’re not sending the bouncy house to the kids in Israel... How are they going to fly out here for a bouncy house... This is you donation?! You offered displaced people a bouncy house in America… You can live in a bouncy house, Shaindel…

Committee meetings. That is how you bring destruction to the world.
You mess up everything. That’s why the Jewish Federation doesn’t want the rally at our shul. You’ll have a committee meeting and they’ll call it off. And then nobody will support Israel…

Your Kaddish causes disunity. It's almost as bad as Helen and Yakey singing.
Israel is how we keep this world moving. How we guard the world. Israel with decent songs... I don't know why. I just know that if you think about it, you'll destroy it.
Just get one of our shul committees on it, and you’ll destroy it.

Rivka's Rundown
The big takeaway from the rabbi's sermon is that diets don't stop people from sinning. It turns out that people on diets eat apples. And our shul members are the reason for anything bad in the world.
In the rabbi’s mind, the board represents total evil. Hamas is also bad. But they’re not responsible for the rabbi not getting a raise.

The rabbi was in Israel when Hamas did the most vile acts. He sung with our Israeli brothers and sisters. He prayed. As he said, ‘I could’ve never done it with this congregation. I feel like I’m a better Jew when I’m not around our congregants.’
We are honored to have a rabbi that cares so much about Israel, he’s afraid that if we go we’ll mess it up. To quote our rabbi: ‘Peace is not having to think about congregants.’ That is how our rabbi defines Shalom. 
Shloimy truly hounds the rabbi with questions about Yiddishkeit. The rabbi hates answering those questions.

That singing about peace was really disjunctive. There was no unity in our singing. I truly think that our congregation singing about peace will bring disunity.
It's good we sung what was meaningful to the rabbi. If the shul did stuff they found meaningful, we would be sunbathing singing The Beach Boys. Ethel loves them.

Our shul is selfish. Anything for a fundraiser. I don't think we've ever sent money to Israel.
The classic cut undershirts donation to Women for Autism did not make much sense. I think the Finkelwitzs just wanted them out of their house. Those undershirts just choke people. The Finkelwitzs kept the v-necks.
The bouncy house is amazing. We're all loving it. If any of our Israel brothers and sisters want to use it when they visit, the committee said they can if they give a donation.

Our shul committees truly destroy and program. Our members didn’t end up going to the rally. There was a committee meeting to decide what our shul should do at the rally to show solidarity. A fight between Yankel and Frayda broke out and that was it. It was decided that who gets to decide on the theme for the shul Chanukah party is more important than Israel.
And with all of this, they’re still fighting over Kaddish and Aliyahs.

The rabbi said that none of this is Lashon Hara, as all of our shul our Rishaim that always do evil things.