Sermons of Rebuke: Noach

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We ask that the Davening leaders not slow everything down. We understand you don’t find it painful when you don’t have to sit in shul listening to you. Due to the annoyance of you, we’re losing congregants.

We are asking that relay races not take place in the halls during Musaf. We ask kids think about retaking up paper football. There is less yelling and less old people get run over by triangular paper towels on a table. We do still ask that people have more control when flicking the paper towels through people's fingers. Aim is requested.

How to help Israel??? We are collecting for energy bars.

Due to the importance of safety in our community, we will ask the Gabai to step down. With the threat of violence against Jews, we’re worried the Gabai will get attacked for messing up who he chooses for Aliyahs and Hagba.

Volunteer day for Israel is coming up. If you can’t come. Donate.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bereishit 7:1) H’ tells Noah to go to the ark with his family, ‘because you I have seen to be a Tzadik before me in this generation.’ ‘In this generation’... Yes. I reiterated. I have to repeat stuff, because you are sleeping half the time. If I repeat it, I figure there's a chance you'll hear it... Yes. Sometimes I have to repeat it eight times, just in case you wake up for a second. The messages are that important. And there is no Tzadik in this shul.

'In this generation.' Our shul. I can’t find one Tzadik in this shul. Do you know how easy it is to be a Tzadik in our shul. With the slow Daveners... A Tzadik wouldn't take twelve minutes for the repetition of the Amidah. Chazaras Hashas should take two and a half minutes.
People who can’t even lift a hand to help with Shalishudis, when our brethren and sisteren are being attacked... They volunteer in Israel. The whole country is out there trying to help however they can. Little kids are drawing thank you cards of support for soldiers.
Watch this. Nobody will come to volunteer day... Because you’re not Tzadiks. If you were in Israel there would be not one drawing for soldiers... Hamas would take the stuff for themselves. They wouldn't give one drawing to their people...

It’s about rebuilding. Noah builds an ark. He’s commanded to build... Sarah Shaindel Malki. You were not told to do anything to the kitchen. That was a new LG. You got the idea to rebuild from some HGTV show... They know what they're doing on HGTV. Our shul is not a fixer upper Sarah Shaindel Malki...
Human beings build. We don’t destroy.  We don’t destroy, unless if you’re Ruchel with your ideas for a Bat Mitzvah Simcha with Miley Cyrus... What does Miley have to do with Torah? It's not a multi-media program... Your husband wanted a Mitzvah volunteer theme. But you said that Kaley (you can't even say her name) needs Miley to connect to H'. Something about cannonballs... There are no cannonballs or DJs in the Torah...

H’ decides what must be destroyed. What has to be destroyed? Hamas. The world was full of Hamas... Imagine the board of our shul running the world.
We have to rebuild a world without Hamas... Yes. It says Hamas in this week’s Parsha. The world was destroyed because of Hamas... Maybe the Torah knew about Hamas. The terrorist group of Hamas did not exist back then. But their corruption and thievery did...
We want to rebuild the kitchen that Sarah Shaindel Malki decorated. It looks so bad. Destroyed the congregation. Stole a decent kitchen that caterers could use. How many microwaves do we need... Then cover the stuff. Buy the plastic covers and you need one, maybe two microwaves...

It is through me that this shul must be rebuilt. I am the only Tzadik in this shul. As Noah was the Tzadik of his generation...
(7:15) ‘And they came to Noah, into the ark...’ The animals came to Noah. He didn’t have to chase them. They volunteered. You have to take an initiative sometimes, and do something... Because then you will be destroyed.
They are all volunteering in Israel now. And we can’t even get one person to help with Shalishudis.
I have to chase you. Hamas. Destruction... No. Bernie. Volunteering and donating in the announcements was not a joke...
At least donate money. Give something. These aren't dues. Nobody should have to chase you to give money to Israel during these times... I know the 'donate' announcement made no sense. This is why the president of this congregation should step down... You don't know your constituents. Have you seen Shalishudis?! Crackers. That's it. You get crackers. Just crackers. You don't get egg salad when people don't volunteer. When you have our membership...

I was playing freeze tag with the congregants... It was like a relay race to get away from the rabbi, or any sort of help. Some people were even playing hot potato with the idea of being useful...
And that is why we have no Shalishudis, and the soldiers have no energy bars.

We have to rebuild Davening. You destroyed it. Shimon. You have killed our Minyan with your painful Davening. We have to keep him away from the Bima... So slow. Even Bernie finishes before you.
And then Kaddish. A random other guy slows the thing down, and you go even slower. How do you go slower than slow?... We slowed it down for you. Then you went slower. No matter what speed we’re at, you go slower.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi has to repeat stuff a lot. One time he repeated his whole sermon. Yankel woke up and asked the rabbi what he was talking about, so the rabbi started the whole thing again. Most congregants don't like Yankel anymore.

Nobody knew about the microwave covers. The rabbi had a sale on the plastic microwave covers. He marked them meat and dairy, and he pulled in a bundle.
People thought the microwave covers were only made of metal. Which is how all the microwaves at the shul originally got destroyed. The rabbi had a class about the how the metal covers were for hotel room service.
They think the shul is their playground. Sarah Shaindel Malki is a failed interior designer. I hate to say it. She can't even design a row of microwaves correctly. And as the rabbi said, 'This isn't Lashon Hara, beacuse she is annoying.'

Soldiers want energy bars. After they received a package of homade cookies from our congregants, they insisted on protein and energy bars only. Store-bought.

Last year, freeze tag was the game of choice at shul. Now it’s relay races. The rabbi wants to go back to paper football. He says it’s easier to get people to volunteer when they’re not running.
I've got hit by those triangular paper towels. Some of these kids have no idea how to flick. Can't flick a triangle between the fingers of the other guy. It's like they're facing the wrong way when they flick.

How quickly everybody forgot about what happened in Israel. I heard everybody is volunteering in Israel. In our shul, people are watching videos. That's all they do. They watch videos and say 'I have served my country.'

The Davening truly was painful. When they figured out how slow they can go, they went slower. People left. They withdrew their membership thanks to Shimon and Baruch. Bernie does Daven real slow. And even he finished before Shimon got through the first paragraph of the Amida.
And Shimon is the one who is always complaining we pray to slow. Once he gets up there, it's different. Shimon somehow knows we all like hearing his voice. He goes into this 1950s crooning to H'. Like he is serenading Gd. I have no problem with serenading Gd. However, you wouldn't want Shimon standing there, at your front door, with his barbership quartet, doing the Kedusha for half an hour.
The carzy thing is he picks fast tunes and does them real slow. That makes it even more annoying.

The rabbi later explained that he was not praising himself. He was just noting how bad this generation in our shul is. Though, he is a Tzadik for dealing with Ruchel. Her husband can't stand her. She has taken him to so many Miley Cyrus concerts. She forces him.

We had a shul volunteer day for Israel, to make packages for the soldiers. One person showed. The energy bars and the underwear were not separated. He didn't have time for that. He just threw them all in a really big box and shipped it. Then he took energy bars home, and some boxers by accident.
Donations didn't happen. Everywhere else in the world people gave money. Our congregants were worried that if they gave money they would then be asked to pay their dues. Instead they gave used underwear.
A couple people popped in for a minute because they needed some essentials for their own house and they didn't have time to go to Costco.

The rabbi gave a class on volunteering. That was not well attended, as you had to volunteer to come to the class.

If what I am speaking is Lashon Hara, I am guessing none of you know our community, and you will probably never meet these people, as they would never help with anything. You probably won't see them at shul either. If they're not leading, they don't show up.