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Being old and single, you learn a lot. If you're single, I pray you meet the right person and get married, so you don't have to deal with awkwardness of shul. If you're getting old and still not with somebody, here is what to expect from the people in the community.
Weird Looks During Davening Why are they not wearing a Tallis? That is what they will be thinking about during the Amida. During the prayer about killing our oppressors, they'll be thinking about you not wearing a Tallis. For the girls, they'll be asking, 'Is her head covered?' 'I don't think so. I think it's just fluffy. She has very frizzy hair.' 'She should get married for the shaytel. She'll look better with a wig.' People Worried About You That means leftovers. 'Do they know how to cook? Can single people cook?' This is what people are asking. This is what they're talking about when they're staring at you in shul, wondering what somebody so old is doing without a Tallis or Shaytel. They're trying to figure out how you got so heavy without the ability to prepare food. And be ready to take back food. Shabbat dinners. Simchas. Shiva houses. Potlucks. Dropping off a gift. They will clear their kitchen and give it to you. You're single and thus have room in your fridge. Somebody will find you at Kiddish and make sure you have food so that you can live. This is why your community built an Eiruv. So, you can take sponge cake home. Random Shidduchim Anybody traveling through town is a date. You're wondering what you have in common with every person traveling through town. In my case, I can tell you, they're in Rochester. You're wondering if these people that have been around you since your were a toddler truly know you. They don't. After being set up by these people, I am sure they have no idea. Everybody Trying to Set You Up When they talk to you, they are trying to set you up. If you haven't received any ideas for matches in a while, that is because you're pathetic. They're thinking and trying, but there is nobody for you. They're trying to set you up and trying to figure out why you can't cook. Awkward Moments With Aunts When you reject their nephew, they will be offended. You will have to let them down. This means that at shul, every week, you will run into your ex matchmaker. It's an extremely awkward experience when somebody is mad at you and you didn't even reject them. People Are Protective of their Children Do not be surprised if parents are running down the shul halls yelling, 'Stay away from him. He's single.' Women don't have to deal with this. Single women can grab little kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Take them to the park. Take them on vacation without telling their parents. They can even babysit. When you walk down the halls to use the washroom, my male friend, you'll notice parents clenching their kids tight. That's because of you. You're old and single and scary. Do not offer to lead youth groups. Do not show up to little league baseball games. Even if it's your niece, stay away. People get arraigned for showing love to family. Do not play paper football, even if you loved the game growing up. Your joy scares people. Do not eat cookies. Kids like cookies. Do not acknowledge any family picture your friends post on Facebook. Their expression of pride in their children. They're trying to frame you. They Will Call You a Child A Bachur. Until you get married, you're a boy. A Bachur. If you're eighteen and married, you're a man. If you're sixty-three and single, you're a Bachur. I don't know what they call women. If you're a woman, you're a woman. It's the man's fault you're single. If you're a man, it's your fault you're single. You're immature and a loser, and still just reached puberty. They will ask you to open up the ark for Anim Zemirot. Comments That Make No Sense 'It will happen.' I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.' They looked at me and said, 'It will happen.' It was a very sincere 'it will happen,' as if somebody passed away. This is what you will hear at Kiddish. I suggest to stay away from Kiddish. However, you're single and can't cook, and they have choolante. They Will Expect You To Help If there is a person that needs help walking to shul, you're the one. If they need to set up the tables for the community event, you're the one. If cleaning needs to be done, you're single. You have time. If they need somebody to watch over the kids, they will not ask you, the old single scary Bachur. Truth be told, this article is for the single man. Single women are not scary. Girls Looking at You Weird When You Ask them Out You didn't realize you're supposed to ask out a Shadchan first. If you're attracted, stay away. You want to find they're married aunt. You ask the aunt out. I hope you appreciate the knowledge I am imparting unto you. Sit at the Kids Table They will still sit you at the kids table. With all of this. They still sit you at the kids table. You're single. They're single. You're a Bachur. They're Bachurs and Bachuras. Who knows what will happen?! At least you get to sit at the Bar Mitzvah boy's table. That's cool. And you get chicken fingers!!! Again. They're testing you. Don't talk to the kids. If I was you, I would start wearing a Tallis and telling people you're divorced. And I am not suggesting you start making single friends. That will get you invited to potluck dinners with people who can't cook. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Israeli falafel joint and the traditional Jewish American butcher, Israeli games that educate Jewish children about how to gamble, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his potential Shidduchs with us.
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I've noticed these new food pantries on lawns. Boxes on poles, for people who need food. I have thoughts.
The food pantries are a great idea. Tzedaka is beautiful. Town food pantries have worked for years, but they were never on the lawn. On the front lawn is a perfect spot for people to pick up food on their way back from the grocery store. You forget some stuff and you check to see if your neighbor picked up an extra orange juice by accident. Beautiful. Now, we deal with the issues, so we can better these pantries. Let me express this in rant form, so the truly feel my frustration and longing to help the poor. What We Give Them is Wrong It was a can of peas and carrots. Who likes peas and carrots? That's a good question my Talmid. Nobody. Nobody likes peas and carrots. No hearts of palm. No pineapples. Poor people like cut-up pineapples. Everybody loves the juice. Nobody is drinking carrot and pea juice. One pantry I passed had salt. Nothing but salt and paprika. Just spices and condiments. Not even a Proto streak. No rice. No microwave to heat up the peas and carrots. Just salt and paprika. It was a Chutzpa. It was the winter and the sidewalk in front of their house was slippery. They were hoping the poor people would salt it. That's why they had Kosher salt in the pantry, with the extra-large granules. I Didn't Know What It Was I thought I was going to get a book. I saw the food pantry case on the lawn. I thought I was going to find Dr. Seuss. I wanted Green Eggs and Ham. Kosher ham. Instead, I end up reading ingredients of Green Peas and Carrots. Give Real Food I thought they would have a roast. I thought, at least microwave on the lawn for the hungry to cook a hot meal. I thought there might be a checkered cloth. You open the pantry and your family can have a picnic on a neighbor's lawn. Nope. No Protos. Spam? No. Just a can to feed the children. It's a Setup And it's not fair to these poor people. You put it on your front lawn. They think they're supposed to take some food, and the next thing they know, they're arraigned for trespassing. Disgusting. Not a Mitzvah. First you bait them and then you pop out of your home with a shotgun, yelling at the poor family, 'Put down the peas and carrots. That's our lawn. Get away from our storage pantry. We didn't have room in the kitchen to store the salt.' And they didn't even have a can opener to fight back. It's all wrong. This isn't Charity If they don't get shot, the poor people are stuck bringing a can home for dinner, spending the rest of the day separating out peas. It's a task. No book to read. Just carrots and peas. And salt, to parch their throats. Malnourished with parched throats. Stuck with paprika and nothing to spice. Sorry. I get very mad about paprika. And no can opener?! Put a can opener in there. Homeless People Need Meals Not a Can One person told me it's for snacks. Snacks? Are homeless people running around with a shopping cart full of bedding, coats and can openers, so they can get a little pick me up before dinner? And why is there no table?! Is the plan for homeless people to take the can home? Ways to Practice Charity If we're truly trying to feed the poor, we should have fridges and ovens on the front lawns. Front lawn kitchens. If I saw a fridge, at least I wouldn't expect to see Dr. Seuss. I would be a happier man. And I wouldn't be let down with poorly written paragraphs about sodium percentage dietary guidelines for daily intake. The greatest way to help somebody according to our rabbis is teach them how to fish. Not to give them the fish. Which is why many people don't give Tzedaka but Mussar. They rebuke them and tell them to get a job, and you feel like you've done the Mitzvah of giving charity. You tell them to get a job, and then you give them a fishing rod, so they have something to do during their leisure time. Self-sufficiency is the greatest form of Tzedaka. If we really wanted to help, we would have front lawn cooking lessons. We would have can opening seminars. If we truly wanted to help poor people, we'd teach them to build a food pantry. This way, they could have the food pantry where they live, and they wouldn't get shot for taking a can of peas and carrots. All of those truly feeding those who are in need have my greatest respect. Keep it up. Even if it's a can. Next time, we shall delve into the issue of soup kitchens, and how poor people are starving because we're feeding them soup. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The middle of the circle is where people get hurt. Do not go in until you've mastered the outer circle and the Hand on Shoulder Forward Back Step. More accidents happen the closer you get to the middle. They start breakdancing to Hora moves, arms start flailing, one guy does a wave and somebody gets hurt. Jews move around and body control is lost.
Go to a Hassidic dance with a Rebbe, if you're not ready and don't have training in Hassidic enjoyment, you will get hurt. You have to fight your way into that middle circle, where you get met by four hundred pound bodyguards throwing you out. Choolante strength is a thing. They guard the Rebbe from the heretics who diet on Shabbis. People go wild in the middle, so be safe. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. If you make it to the middle, here are some important dance moves you must know. The Arm Raise Part of the traditional Hora dance circle, this is where you lift your arms. Forearms must be facing in, supinated. Forearms facing out is not what Jews do. This isn't a Jewish revival convention. Jews always dance in supinated form. Even when dancing, your expression should be one of complaint and questioning. We don't go into the middle of the circle to give high fives. This is not a free-for-all. This is connection back to the early 1700s in the Ukraine. Also known as the Two Hand Lift, this is a favorite amongst Hassidic dancers. The only exception is if you're from Yemen. Then you can pronate. Arm Raise Hand Open Close This can be done by one guy. This just looks cool. This is where you take that hand facing in, squeeze and unclench. If you look up, it looks like you're complaining to Gd. You will want to work on the complaint genre of dance. The Chest Bounce Somebody had a friend who likes heavy metal and now very small people get injured. Huddle Jump Done by people who never played organized football, you put your arms on the shoulders of the people near you and then jump around in a circle. Just jump. That's the dance. You can do this with as many partners as you want. One partner may be too intimate for the newcomer to the middle circle. This is as close to athletics any devout Jew should get. The Solo Jump Around Similar to the Huddle Jump, this is where you let go of the other people and jump by yourself. It's not a very warm dance and makes you feel alone, without community. Unlike the Huddle Jump, where you have the support of your fellow. This dance goes very well in combination with the Israeli Side to Side Jump. Another variation of the Solo Jump, the Israeli Side to Side keeps you in one spot; no aroundness in the Israeli Jump. By combining them, you can go side to side and around in solo form. This dance is almost as uncomfortable as being forced to dance in front of the bride and groom. Waving your arms in this makes you look like you know what you're doing. It also opens up your dancing radius, by forcing away other people who don't want to get hit. Arm Interlocked Twirl Around Similar to the British folk country dance, this is very fun until somebody else steals the person you were twirling around with. Now you're alone. They interlock arms and take your place, sneaking in from the other side. Kind of like musical chairs, I am found wandering around in a circle by myself, with nowhere to go. And many times, I am even asked to leave the circle. The Hand-in-Hand Spin Interlock arms with somebody else and go in a circle for as long as you can, until you let go and the other person flies or falls, or until one of you pukes. The Airplane Dangerous. Some call this the helicopter because that is also dangerous. And some call it the propeller, because that is the most dangerous part of the helicopter. Either way, you want feet flying towards the outside of the circle. The objective of this dance is to injure other people. Make sure to initiate this dance when the middle circle is crowded. The Face to Face Hands on Shoulders This is for two people who can't move. You brace yourself on the other person and try not to fall. The One Hand Hold Side to Side Kick A classic. With the longest name of any dance, this dance's name describes what it is. You kick from side to side, one leg at a time, alternating. To funk it up a little, switch the hands too. This is almost as complicated as rubbing your tummy, while tapping your head. Again, stretch before this one. And watch out when getting close to it. If you're a spectator, the lack of kick control and athletic ability of the kickers makes this dance almost as dangerous as the helicopter. The Rebbe Approach This is more of a still motion where other people force you in different directions. Known to be dangerous in America on Black Friday, the mob does the dance for you. That is how you become a Chasid. Chasidim beat you on your way into the middle circle. It's part of the initiation process. That is their hazing process for joining their sect. The NaNachs make you jump while saying ‘NaNachNachimNachmanMUman’ 20 times, real fast. The other sects hurt you real bad. Final Note of Safety Do not join any middle circle dance if you have any sort of back problem or arthritis. No older Jewish man should be dancing in the middle. The outside of the circle is for you. The Stand and Clap is the dance you should be doing. Always be careful. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. Watch out for flailing arms. That is the move, arms go up in the air and somebody gets hurt. I also suggest you start on strict weight training and powerlifting program before approaching any rebbe. Next time we will talk about the middle circle dancing in front of the bride and groom, where you embarrass yourself in the Jewish cypher. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Here is a List of Jewish Foods & Other Stuff That Deli Made Amazing-Inspired by Lenny Bruce’s Jewish-Goyish
This will help you understand a bit of what makes delis our tradition. Pizza is Jewish. Food that New Yorkers liked in the 1980s is Jewish. Food that New Yorkers only knew about in the 1990s is not Jewish. Burritos are not Jewish. Sushi is Goyish, even if they serve it as Simchas. Pigs in a blanket are Jewish. Pickles are Jewish. Jalapenos are Goyish. They burn your mouth. Sephardic food is Goyish, even if Jews have been eating it for 4,000 years. Olives are almost Jewish. Whitefish is Jewish. Herring is Jewish. Sauerkraut is Jewish. Food you can spell is Goyish. American food is Goyish. European food is Jewish. Coleslaw is Jewish. Cabbage is Goyish. Cabbage wrapped around ground beef and rice is Jewish. Stuffed derma is Jewish. If you knew what it was, you wouldn't eat it. It's Jewish. Derma is disgusting. Goyish. Stuffed Derma is for Jews. Salad is Goyish. Salatim are almost Jewish. Jewish eat them. Knishes are Jewish. Perogies are mostly Jewish. They are also not healthy. Barakas are Middle Eastern. I am not sure if it is Jewish yet. Food made with potato is Jewish. Food made with cantaloupe is Goyish. Melon is Goyish. Cranberries are Goyish. Cranberry in jelly form is Jewish. You can make cranberry sauce from that. All deli is Jewish. Deli wrap is heresy. Football is Goyish. Golf is Goyish. Owning a football team is Jewish. Baseball is Jewish when Hank Greenberg is playing. Basketball is Jewish in Israel. Deli sandwich is Jewish. Rye bread is Jewish. Club is Jewish. Baguette is Jewish because it holds deli well. Pumpernickel is Goyish. Turkey is Goyish. Turkey-pastrami is Jewish. Israel is Jewish. Florida is Jewish. Los Angeles is Goyish. Hollywood is Goyish, if you're a heretic. New York is very Jewish. Cel-Ray is Jewish. Black Cherry Soda is Jewish. Cherry Soda is Goyish. Any soda that was made by a doctor is Jewish. Deli is Jewish. Shul is Jewish. Synagogue is mostly Jewish. Picture from the 1920s is Jewish. Picture from the 1950s is Jewish. Picture from the 1990s is Goyish. Steakhouse is Goyish. Smokehouse is not Jewish. Deli is Jewish. Anything deli is Jewish. Choolante is Jewish. Potato kugel is Jewish. Anything with a lot of oil is Jewish. Sponge cake is Jewish. Anything that needs schnapps to taste decent is Jewish. Herring is very Jewish. Sardines are acceptably Jewish. I just found out about the Middle Eastern diet. People are losing weight with it. Falafel and Barakas are Goyish. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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An ode is meant to be sung, and I sing for the kosher deli. I sing. And I continue to sing. Let me sing more for you about what makes the deli great.
Menus A whole menu that is not FDA approved. That is Jewish and I love it. Wait Staff The only place in America where nepotism still lives. That is how strong tradition is in the deli. I asked, 'Can I speak to the owner?' They said, 'My dad will be right out.' I heard them go to the back and yell, 'A customer wants to complain,' Warning their dad that there was a Jewish customer in the kosher deli. Kibud Av vEim. Working and honoring your parents at the same time. Love it. Batampte and Mother’s Are Old The branding looks old. Pictures of Jewish mothers from the 1930s, in apron, and Biblical writing in English on the package. It reminds you where Jewish life started. The Lower East Side. With Yankel and Moishele. Like the Torah, the deli doesn’t change with time. Abraham was probably eating a corned beef sandwich on rye. There is no picture to prove that. However, there is proof that he did like tongue. And his descendants wore derby hats in the early 1900s. Mother’s on packages. A brand named after my mom. Thank you for giving her that respect. My Mother My mother makes that same food. Hence, the brand named after her. This guy gives it to me and doesn’t tell me how heavy I am getting. I am willing to pay extra for that. Old is Beautiful It looks old. That is tradition. In a world of plastic surgery and everybody searching for the fountain of youth, the deli is the only place you can go where looking old is praised. You walk into a deli for a meal, you've aged two years. Old is beautiful and the deli represents that. Delis age you. Eat lunch in a deli for ten years, you'll be thirty years older. I know the math doesn't work. I believe it's the strength of the stench that hits you the first day. It has a greater effect on your old Jewish person smell. More Love for Deli There is so much more about the deli. By that, I mean food. The next time I will bring you all the deli foods we love. All the different forms of brisket, pastrami and soda made out of vegetables. The deli is our tradition. It is the connection with the past. Our connection to Abraham. The tradition passed on from generation to generation of saturated fats. The tradition of eating in a living room that has not been cleaned. For this, the deli that we love, the place that says old is beautiful and pastrami smells good, I will fight to keep it alive. This is why we need more kosher delis. I hope I did my part on behalf of the Jewish community. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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BILL 4 – No Third Grade Kids Directing Traffic
This is an issue in Jerusalem. Hence, I bring it up on Yom Yerushalayim (Jerusalem Day). One of the few days the kids aren't in school, and thus it is safe to cross at a crosswalk. Act The post school stop sign to cross the street cannot be held by children until they are old enough to cross the street by themselves. Problem a) Children are directing traffic in the middle of the day, when school is out. The only traffic pattern they know is walking home from school with a whistle. b) The whole of West Jerusalem is held up and traffic is stopped at 2:30pm, because the kid is too small to lift the stop sign, to let cars go. The bigger kids are waving the signs and pointing them in random directions, aloof, smacking people on the sidewalk. One spaced out kid had people held up in the middle of the sidewalk. He was pointing the sign the wrong way. The kid didn't realize cars don't drive on the sidewalk. c) These kids aren’t old enough to cross the street themselves. d) This falls under the issues brought up in all the safety bills I have proposed, of which each one consists of motorcycles and Toostoosim. e) I see a fluorescent orange vest, but I see nothing inside of it. These kids are tiny. It looks like one of those tiny person sketches where somebody acts as the hands for somebody else. I just see two hands and a vest. g) No child should have to deal with road rage until they get their license. I saw a fifty-year-old native beep and curse out a kid. He thought he was getting mad at the car in front of him for holding up traffic. It was the kid that was holding up traffic, as she couldn't lift the sign, and that is who he ended up cursing at. I believe it was his child, as the kid screamed back, ‘Keep your eyes on the road you idiot.’ h) These kids are going to be going to the army, there is enough danger then. i) Teachers finish teaching and then abandon them, leaving them in charge of the running of the school, city traffic, and the municipality. j) I get held up. That ruins my day. And then I hate kids. Solution a) Spend money and have a grownup directing traffic. b) If we are using children, give them sumo suits or something that will protect them. The fluorescent in the middle of the day does not work the same as in the dark. If they're going to have the fluorescent orange vests, make them stay in school till 6pm, after rush hour. c) No beeping until you know who caused the problem. Then you are allowed to get out of your car and hurt them for driving at the speed of traffic. d) Send kids to traffic school. At least, make sure they are not drinking. I don’t know what Petel does to the brain, but it does not have them focused on my getting past Beyt Sefer Yisodi Pelech. e) Get them on a weightlifting regimen or have them work in groups. Get four kids on each sign. The only issue with this is teamwork. Which is why they should take up rowing and join a crew before being allowed to run the city at 2:30pm. f) Teach the kids directions. If they can't point right, they can't run city traffic. g) Make it clear that the children are the ones causing traffic, so that we know who to blame. Grownups will stop fighting with each other. h) Have a huge blinking sign 'Warning: Delays Up Ahead. Child Who Was Educated in the Jerusalem School System Running Traffic Patterns.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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When I think of Yom Yerushalayim, I think of the Jerusalem hotel buffet. That is what I celebrate when I am in the Holy City. And that is how to celebrate Jerusalem Day.
I must get personal here. Growing up in Rochester, New York, with its limited kosher options, I didn’t even know what an all you can eat buffet was. An excellent childhood nonetheless (not knowing it could've been better, if I had choices other than cereal for breakfast. Then, I moved to Israel and found out the exciting news that the Holy Land is full of all you can eat buffets. Called hotels. Sometimes, we get emotional at the Kibbitzer magazine. If you have a little tear now, it's understandable. Redemption can do that to people. Be it Shabbat, Pesach or any day of the week, I’ve learned to master the art of the Israeli hotel buffet and I would like to share some of these skills with you. If you haven’t been to Israel, don’t worry, you can apply these techniques to your local kosher buffet. Not in Rochester. Eat Fast Some hotels only give you two hours. That is not enough time to eat everything there, and to reach your goal of eating twice the 250nis entrance fee. You must focus and eat fast. The enjoyment of the buffet is dependent on getting more than the 250 shekels out of it. Then, there are family and friends that eat very slow, and some diet (the kind of people that can ruin a buffet). I've tried giving them nasty looks for being thin, but they still eat too slow. Some of them even chew. I have to eat for them. Hence, I eat faster. Don't Talk I for one know that two hours isn't enough to eat 1,500nis worth, if I am having to eat for the weak ones who talk during buffet hours, thinking it's biscuits and tea time. Hence, no conversation. I eat fast and I don't converse. Unless if I need to find out where the shakshuka is. Use Two Plates Plates can only carry so much. Thus, always bring back two plates to the table. Gd gave you two hands for a reason. And that reason is so that you can save a trip to the buffet tables. All Courses Are Meat Any non-breakfast buffet, you fill your plate with meat. Appetizers, entrees, mains, dessert, soup. All of them should be meat. Rarely, have I seen a fish plate brought back to the table by a good religious Jew. Let me just say that I have met many heavy Jewish people in my life, and not one of them wastes calories. They go straight for the meat. Bring Dessert for the Table I learned this from my aunt. This is a misdirection technique. You pick it up for yourself, but you realize that you look like a disgusting animal with a loaded plate of rugulach, eclairs, chocolate cakes, six different mousses, after telling everybody you’ve been watching yourself. When you get to the table and realize how disgusting you look with a platter in your hands, you say, 'This is for the table.' And then you leave the platter right in front of your seat. If it's not right in front of you, other people at the table might take some of it. Don’t pass it around. You did the right thing. The platter is at the table. That makes it easier to take down more food. Remember: You load up, as you should, and take doubles just in case somebody else at the hotel is hungry and wants mousse as well. There Are Other People They’re allowed to eat too. Be warned. I thought that all of this the food was mine. I paid for the buffet. I didn’t realize other people were going to be here. Apparently, the hotel takes money from other people as well. You can't yell at them and grab burekas off their plates. Security frowns at that. It would have been good to have known this. Learn the rules of the buffet. Most hotels don't have them written. If they did, I would never order a Coke. They charge extra for that. Take Food with You You ate breakfast. Yet, you have to eat lunch and dinner too. You want to smuggle out as much food as possible. For this, you bring a baby carriage. The carriage is a great smuggling mechanism. This is why you leave the toddler in the room. With the blankie, nobody will know that the challah rolls for the family is not a child. For those without baby carriages on them, such as soldiers, use your duffel. That is how you enjoy an Israeli buffet, and meals for the rest of the day. It is not the company. It is the food. It is the buffets that make Jerusalem great. And as such, on this Yom Yerusahalayim, we pray for the Third Temple to have a decent spread. I am getting emotional just thinking about the Geulah (redemption) and pizza burekas right now. Along with a violent approach to the Kichel, you can also use these techniques at Kiddish. Note, at the Israeli hotel buffet, security might kick you out if you elbow the elderly to get to the choolante. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Lag BOmer Haircut Styles5/4/2023
From Pesach to Lag BOmer, the thirty-third day of the Omer count, it is a custom to be in partial mourning. For this reason, people do not get haircuts, and many do not shave. Now, after the five weeks of no cutting from Pesach till Lag Bomer, for many Jews it is male haircut and shaving season. These are the shaving and cutting traditions and styles of Lag Bomer that you will see.
Please know, we will focus on men, as women get haircuts that look good. The Number 2 This style is popular in Israel. The haircut is done by a barber who takes clippers and runs them over your head. After sitting there for a minute, the barber is done. The barber then makes it look professional by brushing the hair off the apron, and charges you twenty dollars. The first time I got the Number 2, upon my Aliyah (move to Israel), I was crying. I told him, 'Number 2 is not a style.' I was wrong. The barber that cut my hair said it was. The barber then took the mirror and showed me the back of my head. He wanted to see me cry more. As I left the barber shop, tears flowing down my face, I noticed a whole neighborhood of other people with shapeless hair. So, I know it is a Lag BOmer style. Possibly created in fear that there will be more mourning and months without haircuts. Some of the others might have got the Number 1. I am not sure. The Number 6 When the barber puts clippers to your hair on the number six setting and cuts nothing off your head. The Number 6 is an Israeli hairstyle, similar to the Number 2 hairdo. With the Number 6 though, the barber doesn't ruin your previous haircut.. The Grow Long You do not get a haircut. This is a good money saving hairstyle. The Grow Long is for people who got used to not cutting or shaving, embracing the new lifestyle of relaxation and unemployment. The Grow Long doesn’t work for balding men, like myself. That turns into the Ben Gurion look. And that leads to unemployment too. Messy Hair Started with Party of Five, this look has caught on amongst the young generation who doesn’t tuck in their shirts, shine their shoes, or have aspirations. Due to Bitul Torah (time not spent learning Torah), this doo has become quite popular. The Do It Yourself This is also similar to the Number 2, just that the hairline on the back of the neck is crooked. I started doing this after I got a Number 2. I figured that I had the ability to move something from one side of my scalp to the other and charge for it. The Head Covering Look The big Kippah look is something you will see at this time of year. Many people get carried away with the shave cut, especially with the Do It Yourself. For this reason, and the Grow Long Gurion look, Kippahs become bigger. The baseball hat look is also very popular at this time of year, right after the haircuts. The Side Shave 2 The side gets cut, but nothing is done to the top. This style started when a barber got lazy, put down the clippers and said, 'That’s enough…I’ve been working too hard.' At that point, when half the job was done and all the hair on top was still there, the barber told the person in the chair, 'This is the new style.' Now all the kids are doing it, calling it the Fade. For those who don’t know, saying 'that is the new style' is how all new styles start. Got to leave the 2 on the clippers for the Payot (sideburns). You can make the religious look sound cool by telling people, 'It is the I got the haircut three weeks ago Fade look.' The Step That went out in the 1980s. Yet, it comes back every year at Lag BOmer. The Step was a mistake. Similar to the Side Shave, the barber however doesn’t take the time to fix the error of undercutting the guy’s hair. The Bald This is the look that Ashkenazik men above the age of forty go for. Though it is popular, the Male Hair Bun and Beard will not be seen when people go for their Lag BOmer shave. If anybody is going for the hair bun or Herzl look, this article is not relevant. Just let the hair grow and embrace heresy. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Jewish Deli I Love - An Ode4/27/2023
The deli is American Jewish tradition. In American Jewish tradition, all Jews come from Europe. That’s the only place Jews come from. Deli is the only true Jewish food. Even turkey-pastrami has a certain amount of guilt that it feels from the time it was cut from the body and cured.
Ever since Jewish life opened to other countries, people started eating falafel and shwarma, and wraps. Now there are smokehouses, threatening the existence of delis. Shame on the Jewish people, giving up salt for smoke. When I went to New York to find they were serving sushi at what was my favorite deli, I knew Jewish life was ruined forever. Now nothing is Jewish anymore. I am here to remind you some of the reasons why we, American born Jews of tradition, love the deli. The Smell It's as close a smell as you can get to socks that have been through a marathon in the rain and then ran in again, and then left in the room with the windows down. Yet, it still smells so good. It is the closest you can get to a stench that is unbearable, and yet it's so appetizing. Which makes me ask why I still do laundry. It Is Jewish Every deli reminds a Jew of the Lower East Side. Jews came from Europe and this is the food they took on the ship with them. The pickling connects us to that tradition, as any pickling process done right can keep the food fresh for well over a century. That is where the deli smell is from; Europe, a hundred years ago. Salami That Hangs Salami doesn’t smell that bad. But you leave it hanging for two years, something is going to come of that. Pictures of Random Immigrants A picture of a guy pushing a wagon in the Lower East Side of New York, in the early 1920s, that every deli owner is related to. And then another picture of a guy standing behind a counter, whose face we can barely see behind the hanging salami. These two pictures unite every deli. Whoever the ancestor in that picture is that every person who opens a deli is related to, it is tradition. I love it. The Tiled Floor A restaurant that smells pickled, with a checkered floor that looks like a 1950s washroom. Décor does not get better than that. Love it. Carpet that Hasn’t Been Cleaned If you don’t have the bathroom tiles, it’s decked out in speckled red and blue carpet that looks maroon. This way, we cannot tell how much kishka, stuffed-derma, gravy has spilled on it. I love the thriftiness of not needing somebody to clean the place. I love the smell of hanging salami and cured beef brought from Europe in 1910. I love pictures of random immigrants from Time Magazine that look like family. There is more to this Ode. I will continue next week with more to love, like Batampte pickles and Mother's, a brand that is named after my mom. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXI4/23/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Pesach and how David went broke on mayonnaise, and how to save money on a car by using the shopping cart to bring the groceries home, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing the fact that he stole shopping carts in Israel.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XX3/19/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Bar Mitzvah scarf Tallises, Yeshiva Shtenders and Egypt, for Purim’s sake, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his hand with us. We are sorry you have to see what happens when you use oven cleaner.
The most inspirational Makom I have ever seen. That’s how a Shtender should look. A podium with a closet on the table... The modern Shtender should reach the neck. The Yeshiva Bachurs should never have to bend when learning. Average Yeshiva Bachur height 5'4". Average Shtender 5'10"… The idea is to take up your Makom and whatever surrounding area you can with furniture. An office chair on rollers is the perfect addition, letting people know that is your side of the Beit Midrash. Pacing and knocking into people while they’re learning also helps.
When we were slaves in Egypt, everybody was wearing costumes, all the time. Look at them. No shame. Every day is Halloween... Apparently, that's a painting of Yitziyat Mitzrayim. Between us, they had the worst artists in Egypt. No attention to detail, they saw people in flat. It looks like the illustrator from South Park worked on that piece.
We want to thank the Jewish Heritage Center for this picture. After much research, we have finally come across the origins of the scarf Tallis. They forced it on the Bar Mitzvah boys when taking Simcha pictures, just in case a storm hit… As you can see, the Chazin in the middle refused to wear one, as it looked too foolish… I believe those kids were the foundation of the Jewish Mafia.
That is two seconds of oven cleaner, and I am scarred. When Pesach cleaning, be careful. The oven cleaner will take off a layer of grease from your oven, and your finger… I had to replantate my index finger last Pesach, after ensuring my kitchen was Kosher for the holiday. The picture does not capture the pain I am in. (We're sorry you had to see David's hand. It's a bothersome sight.)
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'My son, the doctor.' The most quoted saying of any proud Jewish mother with Nachis. Let's do a few of those jokes.
Before we get going, I want to praise the medical field. Doctors are amazing. Some of them can even add ten years to your life, just waiting in the reception room. We stole that one from other people who stole that joke too. To note: Nachis means your son is a doctor. The One About President Every joke is about something. That's how you reference jokes. You say, 'The one about.' If you somebody ever asks you, 'Did you hear the one about?' Run. Get out of there as quick as possible. They're about to tell you a joke, and they will probably grab your arm to make sure you listen to them tell you the whole thing. Even if you heard it before. So, this is the one about the president. The Joke: About to be honored in the inaugural ball he calls his mom. 'Mom. I want you to come.' His mother is trying to get out of it, asking 'why, what's the big deal about this president thing. I don't know know from such...' He tells her, 'I just became president of the USA. I am the leader of the free people. I want you to be at the dinner. And make sure you look good.' Finally, after his mom argues with him about what a free people is, she agrees. The next day, she's at the beauty salon. She shows up all decked out in an evening gown. The stylist notes how beautiful she looks and that she hasn't been there for years. He then asks, 'Why are you here?' The mother answers, 'You know my son the doctor?!His brother is getting honored.' Three Women Praising Their Children Jewish mothers praise their children. If your friend's child sounds better than yours, you've failed as a Jewish parent. It has nothing to do with what your child has done. We know they're a failure. At home, they've failed you. You would never trust your child to put together a bookcase. You're a Jewish mother. However, when it comes to your friends, your child is the best builder around. At home, you yell at him that he should call somebody to step on the ladder. With your friends, 'He's the best ladder stepper. He was also the greatest at on the balance beam as a third grader.' Years have been spent at Kiddishes with Jewish mothers letting their friends know how great their children are. I have even heard mothers praise their Jewish children as the best athletes. Athletes that will one day choose medical school over the NBA. Why? It's better money. The Joke: These women are sitting at the pool in Florida and talking of their children. 'My son. You know what he does for his motha? He flies me in to see him every year for my birthday. What a boy.' The next one says. 'My son is even better. For my birthday, he comes down to Florida. He flies in all of my friends. He puts together a party. You wouldn't know of such things.' The other friend joins in, 'My son is the best. Better than them all. He goes to a psychiatrist three times a week. Each time he spends five hundred dollars. And you know what he talks about? Me.' Appendix to joke: She then goes on to add, Schepping Nachis, 'His mother. He talks about his mother the whole time.' The Daughter Who Got Divorced Three women are talking. It's the same three. That's what they they do. They sit by the condo pool and talk. It's the same three Jewish women in every joke. They start asking their friend Fran about her daughter. The Joke: Talking of Fran's daughter, Ethel asks, 'You mean the one who married the docta?' Ethel is from New York and doesn't know that doctor ends with an 'r'. Fran breaks it to them, 'They broke off that wedding.' The next friend adds, 'You mean, the one who's with the lawyer.' Fran notes, 'That also didn't work out.' Another one of the friends sitting on the side hears the conversation and joins in, 'Isn't that the girl that was with the real estate develapa?' She was also from New York. Fran looks at her and says, 'Ahh. That didn't work out either.' Ethel is amazed, 'Wow. From one daughter, so much Nachis?!' Conclusion If you're not a doctor, your parents don't love you. Nowadays, a good Jewish mother wants her kid to work in computers. 'My son! The computer technician!' It doesn't have the same ring as 'my son the doctor.' It's hard to fully garner the same Nachis from the computer guy. 'My son. The computer guy. What a boy. He saves hard drives.' The 'my son the computer engineer' genre of jokes has not made its way into the Jewish joke lexicon. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Nowadays, you have to meet the Frum Jewish girls online. Even the Shadchanim are online. You have no choice. How you do it as a Frum Jew who doesn't use a computer, I can't tell you. How the religious matchmakers who don't use technology are on the internet, I can't tell you. Miracles do happen. And I for one believe in H'.
With much non-success with the dating sites, I have created many strategies to attract the Frum girl online. As I care about helping Jews meet their Bashert, I am here to show you how to draw the religious woman cyberly. Today, we will focus on a few of the greater techniques of how to cast a net online. Tell Her You Don't Use the Internet You don't want it getting out there that you're using the internet to meet her online. You can get excommunicated for that. Good Frum Jews don't use the web. You've got to let her know you're Frum. That means telling her online that you don't use the internet. And that you're happy to have met her on the dating site, which you thought is a monument. If she's truly Frum, she'll understand. Tell Her You're Only On the Site To Learn Torah As a Frum Jew, you're always learning Torah. Eating, shopping, sitting on a bus, running, mowing the lawn, online dating, you're learning Torah. You'll only need to explain how you met her learning Torah if she's not spiritually connected to H'. If she's connected to Gd, she'll understand how you met her on a dating site with people who are 'willing to convert' learning Torah. If you can tell her that the dating site is not online and that you were only there to learn Torah, you will land a good Jewish girl from a very Frum family. You might even end up with rabbinic dynasty in the mix. Work On Your Profile Pictures If you're not that religious and you use the internet to meet girls online, then you will have to make your profile look religious. The only way to do this is with good pictures. You want pictures of family. Big families. Big families are Frum. This is why many single religious people buy wallets and picture frames. It's for the pictures of the families. Borrow your nephews and nieces. This is why you have them. Frum women are attracted to nephews and nieces. To learn how to grab a kid correctly for a picture, see any religious girls' profile and see the nephew holding technique. Note: All pictures should show you learning Torah. Hence, holding your nephews and nieces with a Sefer in hand. If you have to explain why your picture is online, tell her you're doing Kiruv. As long as you're bringing people closer to Judaism, sinning is OK. Go On a Dating App If you're worried about her thinking that dating sites are on the internet, you can use dating apps. You just have to make it look like you got there by accident. We are still not sure if apps are considered internet, or Kosher phone appendages. If she asks why you're on the app, blame a friend you are doing Kiruv on. Or tell her you're there to help make nonreligious girls more Frum. Better yet, tell her you're there to learn Torah with girls who are willing to convert. Start a Website Websites for Shabbis gifts are big. Frum women love websites with Shabbis gifts. Food gifting is the only true reason a Frum woman is allowed online. That's a well known Psak (rabbinic decree). Sell chocolate covered almonds placed in a five sectioned dish. That will draw the Frum woman when she wants to buy somebody a Shabbis gift. She sees a Twizzlers nib looking type candy near chocolate covered nuts and you have yourself a Shidduch. You don't want to scare the girl, and make it look like you're a stalker who started a business to meet Frum girls. Hence, you want to contact the people she's sending the almonds and fake Twizzlers bites with white foamy stuff inside to. Ask them if that is her return address on the package. This way you can use your own site as a dating app. Again, employ pictures of you with your nephews and nieces, and the people in the wallet. A picture of you all eating gummy candy you hoped were Twizzlers and a Sefer is perfect. I am bothered by this article. I am sorry. Now that I think of it, I will not use any of these techniques, as they all sound very creepy. Please know that I have never used any of these methods. I am truly just trying to help. I would suggest you don't take any of my advice either- in some states these techniques may be considered illegal. This is all shameful. You shouldn't even be on the internet. I feel like I am giving advice to a bunch of heathens. The best piece of advice I can give you is to move to New York. This way, you can be near all the Jewish single women when you meet them online. Next time, we will focus on the dating profiles, and how to lure the Jewish girl with the activities you choose (such as learning Torah). The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I didn't learn much Torah in Yeshiva. Even so, I learned how to talk right. Nu. Vsmachsti. No idea what it means. but I know sounds good. And if I mumble, they'll think I'm Frum. And that is more important than learning Torah.
You can't join the Frum community if you don't know how talk right. Here are some simple rules to follow when talking Frum. Throw in a Hebrew or Yiddish Word Every Time You Have a Chance Be sure to have at least one Yiddish or Hebrew word in every other sentence. Hebrew is fine. Most Yeshiva guys nowadays don't know Hebrew isn't Yiddish. You can get away with Hebrew. In Israel, you may want to stick to Yiddish. In Israel, the Yeshiva Bachurs know the difference between the two, as Yiddish uses a 'saf.' Anytime you have a chance, throw in a Hebrew word. It gives weight to your side of the argument. You throw in Hebrew, if it sounds like Yiddish, people believe you and they know you're closer to Gd. LMayseh. That's a word. Just throw it in. You don't have to know what it means. 'LMayseh. We picked up milk.' That's a word. Lichoyrah. Another excellent word. 'Lichoyrah. The burger and Wendy's was a bissel dry.' You don't have to use the words correctly. You just have to know how to space them. As long as you use it, it's correct. Lichoyrah. Davkah. Gashmius. Add a 'saf' to any word and you look good. Bitachon. No. It's Bisachon. And if you're really Frum, it's Bisachoynis. Notice the usage of the 'oy' and the extra 'saf.' The 'oy' is very important. When you're talking as a religious Jew, you should have a complaint in each word. An 'oy' should be present in your vernacular at all times. In the word 'Bisachoynis' you can hear how Frum I am, and how much I am feeling my arthritis. Just be sure to mumble when you talk. The more you mumble, the more it sounds Yiddish to the Bachurs. Aramaic is not used. We learn in it. We don't talk it. Why? Because nobody understands it, nobody speaks it nowadays, and they're not sure if it's Yiddish yet. Otherwise, guys would be throwing a 'Mayszvey' into every sentence. Gishmack is timeless. You can always throw in the word Gishmack. Don't Overdo It As they say, 'Stay in your lane.' They'll figure you out. I can only educate as far as black hat goes. Dati Leumi, black hat, Yeshivish. That's the extent of the breadth of my knowledge. Chassidic and Israeli Frum, you're on your own. I was working kosher and the head Mashgiach came and was asking me questions. I said Baruch H' at least twenty times. He was Chassidic and he knew I was a second-rate Jew. For Kosher work you have to at least throw in one Yiddish word. The Mashgiach guy knew I knew nothing when he saw I didn't know Yiddish. And then when he saw I wasn't mumbling, he insisted I'm not religious and I should be fired. The amount of food they threw out due to my lack of Yiddish knowledge had communities starving for weeks. Don't Use English Too Much If you want to look like you know what you're talking about, don't use English. You look like a fool when you make any Jewish point in English. You can't talk about Paskesz without sprinkling in some Yiddish. Just the English name Paskesz itself is Yiddish. Even if you're talking about the shul's building fund, you look like a fool if there's no 'saf' or 'oy.' You will never win an argument if you're speaking English. Once they thrown in Hebrew or Yiddish, you've lost the argument. Arguing about whether it's fine to return soup to the stove on Shabbat. 'It's Bishul.' You see. They threw in Hebrew. That sounds like Yiddish. They won. And you look like an Am HaAretz. Remember, it's better to look good than to learn. Reading Hebrew is considered learning, even if you don't understand a word of it. Reading English is considered reading. You learn in the Beis Medrish. Frum Jews learn. Next time we will discuss the importance of being loud in the Beis Medrish, and how to mumble when raising your voice. After that, we will focus on how to use your hands to express with a supinated hand position and a shoulder shrug of discontent. Oy. This is such a Gishmack article. With all the writing, I feel it a bissel in my elbow. Bsuroyis Toyvois. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XIX2/19/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Zoom meetings with people wearing masks, Turkish coffee and pantries on front lawns, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at people trying to feed the poor.
Tiny. That’s the new American food pantry. The pantry on the front lawn with a can. That's what the poor people get now. If they’re lucky, they can find a can of peas and carrots to feed the family for dinner… Nobody likes peas carrots. Why they bought it, I don’t know. People like peas. People like carrots Now poor people are stuck spending their day splitting up peas and carrots… I was disappointed. I thought I was going to take out a book. Maybe read some Dr. Seuss. I end up with peas and carrots. I’m mad. I wanted green eggs and ham (kosher ham). Now I’m stuck reading a label. There are no books about green peas and carrots I am I am. Because nobody likes them. They don't identify with them… This pantry has salt. Salt?! Reading 'give what you can,' it appears people were able to part with salt and paprika to help feed the poor families. Now the poor people are malnourished, with parched throats... I am very bothered by charity right now.
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Bad Dates2/16/2023
As Valentine's Day is not a Jewish holiday, it gets me thinking about bad dates I've been on. We all have our stories, and most women have theirs about me. Here are a bunch of mine, not including every Shidduch date, blind date, I have ever been on.
The Time She Decided to Be Shomeret Negiah I didn't enjoy that date very much. She decided she wanted to be Shomeret Negiah with me. She decided to start with me. Just with me. She said, 'I want to be Shomeret Negiah. I want to stop touching guys starting now. With you. With other guys, I touched them. We did everything. But I want this to be a meaningful relationship. So, I don't want to touch you.' It was at that moment, I decided I wanted a non-meaningful relationship. She ended that statement with 'and you never touch me!' Second date, I asked her to marry me. She wanted to know why and I told her, 'Because I want to touch you!' I felt left out. Every other guy did. Rejected from Blind Date Shidduch She was not attracted to the thought of me. That hurt. Zoom Date That was either the next level of Shomer Negiahness or COVID. That girl got mad at me because I wanted to see her in person. She claimed that I was crude and didn't understand the ways of the world. She wanted to report me to the Shadchan. I tried reasoning that it's hard to have an intimate 2D relationship. That got her angrier. She didn't like guys that were not in flat screen form. She even got mad when I sent her a set of red and blue white cardboard glasses. She refused to see guys in 3D form. She said it makes her dizzy. I was bothered, as I had no idea how to form a relationship with somebody I can't see. How do we go out?! How do you eat together online?! She put up a park with blanket laid out on her green screen. Next thing I know, she's sitting on her basement floor with a picnic basket. Then, I see a car moving on her green screen with her sitting in it. She wanted to give it the full effect of us going out on a date. She even photo-shopped my face into the guy driving. She wanted virtual kids, and developing this relationship was virtually impossible. Girl Who Called Me Cheap I took her to Black Burger. How is that cheap?!!! Eighteen dollars a hamburger. Big one is twenty-five dollars. You can't call me cheap. I asked about the sign. That's when she called me cheap. Cheap for asking a question about a sign that had 'sale' plastered on it. I would think they would want people to ask about it. You'd have to be a fool not to. I had some questions. Here are a few of them: Is that burger really twenty-five dollars? Does that come with another burger? Are you sure it's a burger? Is the burger a ribeye? You sure it's a burger? Is she supposed to pay for her burger? Next date, I showed up with coupons. Twenty-five dollars?!! How can you not pull out a coupon?! Yes. I am still stuck on twenty-five dollars a burger. If we were married, I would be bringing the twenty-five dollars up every day. If she ever complained about rent, I would bring up the twenty-five dollars. 'We sending the kids to Jewish day school?' 'I spent twenty-five dollars on a hamburger.' Girl I Forgot I Dated That was awkward. She thought I wanted to give it a second chance. I just forgot how bad the first time was. Personally, I have a tendency of forgetting traumatic experiences. Traumatic experiences would be every Shidduch date I have been on. The JDate Date I thought she was Jewish. She said she was a lover of Jews. Israel can use more supporters. And JDate is doing a great job of encouraging that. Next time I'm looking to date a Jewish girl, I'll check out muslimpersonals.com. Divorcee I called, I hear a kid crying. Then I hear another kid crying. I am on the other side of the phone, I hear a third kid start crying, I started to cry. We went out and all she talked about were how important her kids are. She didn't want to hear about my pet hamster. I thought that was selfish of her. I nurtured that hamster. We went out with her again. I figured they're getting child support. I can use that money. I didn't know Chuck E. Cheese cost that much. When you have to feed the kids too, I can't afford dates. I think she was just trying to score free meals for the little ones. I had to get their dad to wire money for the pizza. After he wired the money that second date got better. All I know is that hamsters are not that expensive. Truth is it was a kosher pizza place in the food court. There were games. It felt like Chuck E. Cheese. Not going to lie. It was awkward going on a date with her kids, because she couldn't find a sitter, but I had a lot of fun jumping in the balls bin. From now on, I always tell divorcees that they have to pay for their children if the kids are tagging along. If they can find a sitter, that's great, but they I am not wealthy enough to chip in for those either. That's unless there are coupons involved. If there is anything you can learn from me... get married, so you don't have to go out. It's always awkward. For all the ladies out there who want a good date at a falafel stand, check me out on JDate. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Your seat at the Yeshiva's Beis Medrish (House of Torah study, known as a Beit Midrash to those who are not religious) is called your Makom. Your place. When you're at Yeshiva it's essential you make that area yours. Claim it by all means necessary. You need to take up room at your Makom, and the successful modern Yeshiva Bachur has mastered this.
Living in Israel for many years, I have studied space and gotten hit by many Yeshiva Bachurs trying to get to the Kotel. Here are some modern methods I have learned for how to setup your Makom and take up space in the Yeshiva Beis Medrish. A Huge Tall Shtender At the base of a good Makom is the Shtender. I saw a huge one that took up half the table with above table height of four feet, and I knew that's a Yeshiva Bachur who knows what he's doing. We used to have table top Shtenders. It was collapsible, just in case you had a Chavrusa who also needed room at your Makom, or somebody else came and kicked you out of your Makom. The small collapsible was good in case of a tornadoes and when bullies were learning about morals during Musar Seder near you. The little flip-up travel size book holders for the Sefarim, with a pine tree in the Holy City of Jerusalem drawn under your name written in Safrut, which is probably Asur, are not used anymore. They're too short and Jerusalem looks nothing like that. As people have gotten bigger, so have Shtenders. The modern Shtender should at least reach your neck. A podium on the table is optimal. It's about Shtender height. Average Yeshiva Bachur is 5'4". Average Shtender 5'10". The idea is that Yeshiva Bachurs should never have to bend. I can't advise you how to bow during the Amidah with a successful Shtender. Why many of the Yeshiva Bachurs still walk with a hunched over back, I can't tell you. They do it and they can't even see their Shtender. It's pure humility. Aneevus. The smallest Shtender a true Talmid Chacham has nowadays is the double-decker Shtender, allowing you a Shtender in all positions of sitting, standing and hunching. Bookcase Under the Shtender As there is room on the table, a full bookcase should be under the podium. We used to have a pile. Then it turned into a row of Sefarim at the Makom with bookends. Now, it's a full triple story bookcase with a Shtender on top, and a row of books with a pile on it. The point is that each Yeshiva Bachur should have a library at the Beis Medrish with all bookshelves at table height or higher. They have a library there, on the Yeshiva walls. Then, you have your library at your Makom. What is in your tabletop library? Everything they have on the walls. You can have big Sefarim, however it is preferable to have every Sefer ever written in miniature form. This way, when you need the Sefer you know you have it at your Makom, and you can go to the Yeshiva's walls to get the Sefer that you can read. Pace You want to cover ground when learning. A good radius of ten meters around your Makom is what you should be covering in the Beis Medrish. Your Shtender should already be covering the table. You want to show your dominance over the area. If people are sitting and they're taking up some row space with their chairs and table, be sure to bump them as you pass. Let them know it's your area. It's also a Mitzvah to keep in shape. So be sure to walk. You don't want to be Mivatel Torah when working out. Going to the gym takes you away from learning Torah, and that's forbidden. Hence, the best place to work out is the Beis Medrish. This is why the Gemaras are so big. It's for the lifting. So, make sure you get in your steps in afternoon Seder (the Seder is the order of the day). Pacing with a Gemara is excellent cardio. Double that with prayer swaying, and you're getting wiser and shedding pounds. I wouldn't suggest Torah Hagbbaing until you can carry a full set of a wedding size Gemaras around your Makom. You may want to also stretch before learning. Many have cramped up pacing during the three hour morning Seder. You can use the Yeshiva's bookshelves to get in a decent calf stretch. Roller Chair You want a roller chair with an armrest. Armrests take up more room. Preferably a high back. The more you roll around, the more it helps claim your area. You want to focus on comfort at your Makom. If you're not falling asleep in the Beis Medrish, you're not spending enough time there. That's what I say when I'm rolling around my pacing area, knocking into people with my armrests, or sleeping during Seder (daily learning time). Pile Up Sefarim Even with the bookcase at your seat, you should have book piles. Take whatever books you can off the Yeshiva's shelves and pile them at your table. It takes up more space and shows you know what's going on. Make sure they're Hebrew books. Otherwise, they're not Sefarim. There is no such thing as an English Sefer that is not for kids. Any book in English looks pathetic. A Jastrow is fine, as that dictionary is harder to understand than Hebrew itself. Your Makom should look like that of a researcher of books you can't translate. The idea is to not be able to see the table. The Yeshiva does have lower shelves at the bookcase. I don't understand why. Nobody bends. I think that's where the Machshava Sefarim are. The low shelves can also be used as a foot rest. Whatever you do, never return the Yeshiva's Sefarim to the shelves. And remember, if you don’t have money for huge Shtenders and roller chairs to take up space, you have pacing, the piling method and your elbows. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album: XVIII1/28/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to our trip to Israel, shopping for a brand named after the sale and skewer safety, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his shopping experience at Walmart.
Saving up for Shabbis... When you have a lot of kids you buy the store brand. When you have twelve kids, you buy Great Value. Why the brand name is the advertisement for the sale is hard to explain... Walmart may be too embarrassed to put their name on it, but we are proud of the huge family. Truth be told, I saw the ‘Great Value’ and I didn’t even need a brand. If they had a brand 80% Off, all my clothes would be 80% Off. And that would be the style the kids wore to school. 80% Off written right on the shirt pocket... They may be embarrassed to put their name on it, but I am not embarrassed to eat it. And I also bought the Equate toothpaste. So much cheaper than Sensodyne, even if it doesn't clean teeth. I take pride in Walmart. It's my supermarket. I would find it a waste if I couldn't pick up my groceries and fish tackle. And I take greater pride in my FUBU sneakers I picked up as I finished shopping for the cottage cheese. I feel like I am making the world a better place with those shoes. If I didn't buy those kicks there would be third graders in Asia without jobs. It's my way of giving back... And yes, that's a Walmart still life.
Perfect bus seat technique. That's how you keep others away, and enjoy the comfort of Egged... He has his bag under his arm, working as an armrest and person. Headphones to not hear 'I need a seat.' He is looking straight, avoiding all eye contact... allowing him to read the sign in front of him that says 'stand before old people'... Between us. I never understood why the second seat is not just a bag holder.
Skewers are dangerous, and should not be handled by children without parental supervision. Kids should eat schnitzel only... Even if skewers are called Shipuds in Israel, to make them sound more friendly, they are still dangerous. And with the volatile situation in Israel, people should be IDed before they're allowed a Shipud.
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That's a long title. It's more of a thesis in question form. Along with the long title, I will make it a very long article.
Being Jewish in Public is not easy nowadays. You're worried about antisemitism, and for good reason. People blame us for everything. They stub their toe, it's your fault. They're yelling, 'Jews!!!' Traveling and a flight gets cancelled. It's the Jews. If they see a Jew Davening, they blame the prayers. In a restaurant, somebody gets a stomach ache. If they see a Jew walking by, it's the Jews. If they don't see a Jew, it's the Jews. If they meet a Jew they don't like, it's Jews. When it comes to Jews, they express singular in plural. Hence, the multitudes are blamed, and that means you. Hence, travel can be dangerous. Hence, I bring you techniques to hide your Jewishness for safety. Wear A Baseball Hat The traditional way of hiding Frumness, the baseball hat dates back to the Brooklyn Dodgers. For years we have been camouflaging Yiddishkeit with team logos, and random names of cities we've vacationed at. The problem is the anti-Semites have figured out the baseball hat technique. Baseball hats work as a great Jewish disguise at baseball games. The issue is that baseball games are too expensive. If it wasn't so expensive, we would be able to get season tickets and have a safe summer experience. I have a feeling the baseball hat never worked. My dad would have his beard, a baseball hat and suit. They know we're Jewish. You can't hide a beard and a suit with a baseball hat. Stopping for gas, letting everybody know you're a New York Yankees fan with Payis. Nonetheless, it's tradition and it's a good place to start. We just need more than the baseball hat. I would suggest the boater. People also used to love to wear those to baseball games. The problem is they're not comfortable enough. They also throw off the Tefillin. To hide your Jewishness from the anti-Semites, you need a flimsier hat that allows you to dawn your Tefillin. You still want to keep the Mitzvot around the anti-Semites. Without the Baseball Hat Nothing Else Works The Kippah is a dead giveaway. Women don't need a baseball hat. The shaytel works fine as its own Jewish camouflage. They anti-Semites don't notice the extra eight inches of hair volume. They just think you have extensions. Jewish women wear wigs. NonJewish women wear extensions. They can't tell the difference. Don't Smuggle In Cans to the Movies They know you're Jewish. I am not suggesting to buy fountain cola. That stuff is way too expensive. Especially when Krogers has a deal on 12oz Coke. Smuggle in bottles. The fizz makes less noise than the can popping and rattling during the opening credits. Hide Your Prayers You can't just go out there and start Davening Mincha, swaying with your eyes closed. Mouthing the Amidah prayer is a dead giveaway. Hide behind a candy machine for Mincha. Candy machines are the perfect place for masking prayer. People understand you standing there for five and a half minutes, meditating over which chocolate to buy. Praying for a good Mars bar is something everybody does. I always pray by candy machines. Maybe Gd will answer my prayers and give me two for the price of one. Sometimes that extra blessing falls through the spiral. The phone booth Mincha has worked for our family for generations. They see you in there, not picking up the phone, you might have them thinking you're a superhero. Issue: It's 2023. Everybody has a cellphone. They might have figured out the phone booth method. Transportation Methods Davening by your car? It's hard to hide that. Have the car door open. When you bow for Modim, make it look as though you're trying to find something on the floor of your car. When rising from the bow, hold a quarter real high. People will know you found a quarter, and they will understand. I would suggest the trunk, but that just looks like you're going over the stash of cocaine you're smuggling through. Hiding your Davening in the airport can be hard. I can only stare at the departure screen for so long before people start asking why I'm reading the carrier number with my lips. For this reason, Jews should stick together and Daven with a Minyin. If you have at least ten men praying together, the chances of being attacked are less. Truth be told, sometimes I take a flight just to catch a Mincha myself. I don't suggest doing the Amidah with your feet together on the subway. You'll fall. Try to Be More Inconspicuous When Chasing People Into a Hotel Chasing people into hotel because you need them to initiate the electric door on Shabbis. It scares them. Jumping on an elevator and getting off on the wrong floor, so that you can get away with walking down a couple flights, it's scary. And I know it's hard to have to walk up the service stairs on Shabbat. But you have to do it if you're hiding your Jewishness. Otherwise, you can get hurt. They get scared and attack and they have an alibi: 'He was following me… The guy who was talking to himself in the hallway earlier near the candy machine… I don’t know if it was a blessing or he was cursing me. Then he jumped on my elevator... He didn't need my floor. He said "Whatever floor you're going to." So, I attacked... No. I'm not an anti-Semite.’ Cover Your Mouth When Praying This is the only positive of COVID. The mask. You can always hide your prayers with a mask. Now you don't need to Bitul Zman (waste time) anywhere. On line at the supermarket, you can be saying Tehillim. The yawn method works well too. Cover your mouth for a really long yawn when leaving the bathroom. They'll have no idea you're saying the Asher Yatzar Bracha. They'll just think Jews yawn for a really long time. At worst, they'll know you're Jewish and think you're very tired. If you're yawning with a baseball hat and COVID mask, they'll never figure you out. Truth be told, the COVID mask is the perfect disguise. How many Frum Jews have you seen wearing masks?! Exactly. Only apostates walk around with a mask. Pray With an Earbud The talking on the cellphone method of prayer has been a great default connection to Gd over the past many years. The only issue is the speed at which one talks to Gd, as opposed to regular conversation; nonJews know that only Jews can talk that fast. Never Try To Get a Deal They think Jews like sales. To hide your Jewishness from the anti-Semites correctly, you want to get ripped off. NonJews like getting ripped off. Be sure to pay more. If you can, pay the suggested retail price. Marked up if possible. Don't Read The Labels Nobody else reads labels on food, other than Jews. OK. You're going to read labels. You're a good Jew. But don't make it obvious. As hard as it may be, don't ask the waitress if the coffee is kosher. They'll know you're Jewish. NonJews are not showing up to coffee shops looking for kosher lattes and Danish. Try to read all labels from your spot. Squint if you must. A monocle can be helpful. Best is a monocle that doubles as a magnifying glass. Binoculars will get you in trouble. Nobody looks like they're not a stalker with binoculars. And restaurateurs don't like when you stalk their food. If you must ask them to see the package, don't tell them you keep Kosher. Nobody respects that. Tell them you're on a serious gluten free diet. People respect gluten. If you can pull it, let them know you're an inspector. They might let you in the kitchen. While you're there, you can kosher the ovens. Don't Tell People You Know Everybody Nobody cares. Not even Jews. Waiters and waitresses don't care if you know they're boss. They hate their boss. NonJews don't know anybody. They need resumes. They have to go through their whole history of getting fired, and present it on paper, before they can get a job. Say Stuff Like 'Yo' 'Nu. Shulum Ulayechem.' That gives it away real fast. Safety Comes First Always remember to wear your baseball hat. Without it, none of the techniques work. Use any of these techniques and you'll having them wondering if you're Jewish, and you will be safe. They'll theorize and they may figure you out. But they will never be sure, surmising, 'I think he's Jewish. I saw him haggling with the candy machine. He had a hat and a beard. I think he might be a biker with a minivan. Got those kids with him too. Long sideburns. Maybe they bring them together to make little bikers... Definitely Jewish. I just saw them go into McDonald's. Didn't buy anything. Just using the bathroom. They've got to be Jewish. He asked if the burgers were kosher... I just don't know. All I saw was a baseball hat.' If you're not worried about anti-Semites killing you, walk around with your baseball hat, Daven on the sidewalk, ask to see each item on the menu, so you can figure out if it's kosher and part of the lunch special. Follow them into the elevator with your binoculars, and pop open a can of Dr. Thunder. And let them know you got a deal on it. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Shidduch is still the best way.
You can't just go up to a girl and talk to her. Insane people do that. People who have no understanding of human decency do that. There's a process. Rabbis should be involved. Mothers should be involved. The community should talk about it, and then you meet. That's a Shidduch, and here are reasons the members of the shul and men need Shidduchs. They Will Never Trust You You need a Shidduch. The women will not trust you. You need a mediator to meet them. Even if they know you, a Frum woman will not date you, unless if somebody else jumps in and says they should date you. The only way for you to ask out a Frum girl and for her to say yes is for you to say it around somebody that thinks you're good; show up with your fifth grade art teacher, and have her randomly give a nod when you ask the girl out. To this correctly you have to choreograph the position of you and your art teacher, so the girl can focus on your teacher holding up your paper mache work. Truth is, if she could date your teacher, she would. It doesn't make a difference how much they like you. The sign of a good Frum girl is that she doesn't listen to guys, and that means you. They will never trust you. No girl will ever believe you're a good guy, unless if there is confirmation from a third party. If you visit her when she's is sick and tend to her, and take her to the hospital and stay there in the lobby for a week till she is better, she won't believe you care, unless if one of her friends or a middle aged woman with a Sheytel tells her that you care. Which is why I suggest that you hire a Shadchan (matchmaker) once your get married, so there can be trust. Will she trust you if you say you vacuumed? No. Which is why you need a Shadchan in your home, confirming that you helped. Shalom Bayis. Women Like Surprises They don't like you. The girls don't want to meet you unless. If it's a surprise, they're fine with it. They like surprises. Even bad gifts. And that's where you come in as her blind-date. Do you know how many dates would not have happened if the single people saw the other person first?! This is why we have Shidduchs. Without the matchmaker, nobody would date people they're not attracted to. How it Works At a Simcha You're standing at the wedding, talking to the girl. You find her attractive. You don't tell her that. You go to the women's side and ask who she is, even though you already got that information. Never let on that you already know her. Only a non-religious heretic with no soul would ask a woman he's interested in dating about her; you ask the people standing next to her. You show interest to her cousin and aunt. Not her. If you're still in college, show interest to her friends (you're not mature enough to talk to her aunt yet). Showing interest to her friends can be a slippery slope. But her friends will know that if you're talking to them more than her, you're interested in her. They then go over to her, or turn to her. She's right next to you. They turn to her and say, 'I think you guys would make a good couple.' If they're fools, they say, 'He likes you.' That's the kiss of death. It doesn't make a difference that she heard your conversation with the Shadchan, her aunt, she should never know you like her. You're religious and you don't like women. If you told her you liked her, you would end up in Gehenim. How It Works The Rest of the Time People talk about you. They talk about the other person. They talk about how pathetic you are. Then, they match you with another person on your pathetic level. After the match is made, they talk to everybody who has ever been part of your life to make sure you're not a Jewish imposter. They talk to your rabbis, your teachers, your gardener. Nursery school teachers are consulted, as well as midwives. The goal is to find something wrong with you. I remember cheating on a test in sixth grade. Killed any chance I had of a Shidduch with a girl posting a 3.4 GPA or higher. And if you don't come from a rabbinic dynasty and you're not thin, the Shidduch is over. Even Online You Need A Shidduch Sawyouatsinai. That's how you meet online. The matchmakers found a way to get between the computer and the girl too. This way, the girl can trust that your online dating profile and pictures are really you. It Gives the Community Something To Do This is the most important aspect of the Shidduch. If you don't have kids to talk about, what are they going to say about you. Talking about how much of a loser you are for being single is not fun after a while. They need an activity. You're now the community activity. And you're what they are talking about at Kiddish. When they look at you awkwardly at shul, they're talking about you. It's still a surprise to me that they don't do Shidduchim for married people. I believe it's because they have enough to talk about when it comes to you the kids of the congregation and the messed up families. At that point, they're talking about divorces. Shadchans are good at helping with those as well. If it wasn't for Shidduchs, people would be talking Lashon Hara. So we see, Shidduchs are necessary for you and the community. And if it wasn't for Shidduchs it would be so much harder for your parents to get involved. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Kibbitzer Album XVII12/24/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Chanukah, cold and Kotel Kippahs, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at the Chabad rabbis for spreading the beautiful word of Chanukah with extremely huge Menorahs.
How you know you're spending Shabbis... After the first four feet that day, there's your sign. When you have to shovel the top of your car, there's your sign. When you're sure you shoveled and nobody believes you, there's your sign. When they ask you if you can help them run errands once your car starts, there's your sign. When nobody accuses you of being a bad Jew for not going to shul, there's your sign. When you're stealing Bill Engvall's tagline and you're not even a fan, there's your sign. When you finally admit your parents were right for insisting you always travel with more than two days’ worth of food, even when you're traveling to work in town, there's your sign.
Chabad lighting. You can't compete with them. They measure their Chanukiahs in stories. Mine is 12cm... The rabbi is on a scaffolding. Never worked a day of construction. When it comes to the Chanukiah, the Chabad rabbi is sitting with the architect, standing there painting it, soldering, lighting the thing three hundred feet in the air. Sometimes in a bucket. I’m still gluing nuts onto a slab of wood… That’s commitment to a Mitzvah. There must be a fairy tale of a rabbi that lives in a Chanukiah. If there isn’t, we’re not being creative enough. We’re too focused on stories of rabbis in wagons sometimes…
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Gifts to Not Give on Chanukah12/14/2022
There is such a thing as bad thoughts. I know this, because I have received many Chanukah gifts over the years.
You want an article about what gifts to get, look on Amazon and check out what you missed on Black Friday. I never got a drone camera. Here is a list of Chanukah gifts you should not get for people. These are really bad gifts that ended up in my room. And one thing all of these gifts have in common is that when I got them every gift was followed with, ‘It's the thought that counts.’ Every time I heard that, I knew it was a mistake. There is such a thing as a bad thought. A Calendar From Last Year Certain gifts are time sensitive. There's an end of year sale on calendars and I respect that. My aunt is very good at finding deals. Around December time, the previous year’s calendars go on sale. Last year I got a calendar from 2021. I can use it in 2035, if it's a leap year. Otherwise, I have to wait till 2056. It would have also been nice if my aunt did not mark it up with all of her appointments. A Racket with a Ball Attached My mom should've just given me a card that said 'you don't have any friends to play with.' That racket and ball kept me frustrated for all 8 days. I spent all of Chanukah trying to figure out why I can't hit a ball that's attached. The Rubik’s Cube also got me on edge for a while. Want to make my holiday a nightmare? Give me a game that takes any amount of skill or knowledge. I have been looking at the Sudoku book for a good four years now. Four years of numbers I can’t figure out and failure. Drawings I love my nephews and nieces, but his drawings are bad. I said it and I care. I am a good uncle. I did not put the picture up on the fridge. I don’t want to have to show that to my nephew and tell him, ‘Do not become an artist. You have no talent.’ It looks like a dinosaur tree, with no detail; just a green marker circle. My sister already stopped him from eating popsicles when she realized he would never make a decent architect. The kid could've worked, saved up, and given me something meaningful from the Dollar Tree. Such as a real Chanukah card. Children should not get credit for everything they do. I am still trying to figure out if my niece deserved to graduate kindergarten. She couldn’t read the diploma. I don’t even think she could trace it, inside the lines. Trivet It might have been an ashtray. Every pottery piece I ever got looked like an ashtray. Pottery class should not be something they allow in elementary schools. It seems to condone smoking. Paper-mache should be banned altogether. I cannot tell you how many gifts I have received over the years that look like balloons. Socks that My Aunt Stitched together I like when my socks stay up. Maybe David didn’t purchase the socks that have no elastic band on the top, because he likes it when his socks don’t constantly fall. Everything stitched falls. Crocheted sweaters with no neck are also not good gifts. Anything crocheted is not a good idea. Marshall’s has a hard-enough time getting my waist size right. Chocolate Coins Also known as Chanukah gelt (money in Yiddish), this is not real money. They are chocolate with tin foil on top. You got me the first time you gave me these chocolate coins. You aren’t going to make a fool of me again. I will not be mocked by people at 7-Eleven who do not accept chocolate as currency. Instead of spending $50 on two dollars worth of chocolate, give me $48 and a couple of Hershey’s bars. Please don’t be angry if you receive a racket with a ball attached to it, a calendar from 2011, my nephew’s paper-mache Chanukah card drawing, socks that don’t fit me, or silver foil in the shape of a coin. I need to make space in my room for the pants and crocheted sweaters I am going to receive this holiday. Come to think of it, I think she got that calendar for free. The calendar had Chabad written all over it. And there was an envelope marked with an address for a donation. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Last time we touched on traveling during the winter and what you need as a Jew. Today shall delve a bit more into Frum winter survival on Shabbat, to make sure you are ready to be stuck on the holy day itself.
Frum travel survival is about Shabbat. The only thing that makes it worth it to be Frum is knowing you can crash by people you don't know when you're stuck for Shabbat. That's why Jews become Shomer Shabbis. To save on travel. Here are some extra necessities for snowstorm Shabbat preparedness. Travel with More Food Shabbat means more food. Anything you were thinking, more. Shabbis food means more than what you ever you ate before. If you ate a kilo and a half last Friday night, you should be packing two kilos for yourself. As you grow in Yiddishkeit, so does your belly (you will want to quote this at some point- possibly at your next Shabbat dinner). Any day after Wednesday, double up on the food. You have to eat more on Shabbat. If you don’t have room for the kids, leave them at home. The food is more important. Bring A Shabbis Gift If you can find a Jewish family, you'll want to crash there. This is how Jews have survived for ages, saving money while traveling. You show up for Shabbat and they must house you. They might be a bit bothered with receiving a nice bottle of wine and a beautiful serving tray with chocolate covered almonds, when you got caught in a storm and all the stores are closed, and you weren't planning on being there for Shabbat. Even so, it's the right thing to do. And if you compare the chocolate covered almonds to the cost of the hotel for the family, it's worth it. It may be presumptuous. Yet, I always travel with Shabbis gifts. It's fine if you conspire to exploit people for their homes, as long as you have a decent babka. A Yarmulke and Skirt These will show the people you’re religious, and that means they should feed you. Always Know Where a Shul Is Much cheaper than a hotel, shuls are also great in storms. And you don’t have to pretend that you like people to score free housing. They usually have carpets in parts of the hallway. Very comfortable, shuls are a great Shabbat stay, and you don’t have to bring a gift. Another perk: Unlike hotels, shuls have nonelectric doors. This makes it easier to get in and out on Shabbat, without stalking people (standing there waiting for somebody to initiate the electric door movement and then following them in- some towns consider that a felony, and those towns are anti-Semitic). If you're a local, I would suggest to spend winter in the shul. You can save a lot on heating if you spend the winter outside of your home. With their Chutzpah, the other congregants will still ask you to run errands for them. One of the shul members asked if I could pick up their groceries. I let them know that I was caught in the same storm. They didn't get it. Extra Note: Nobody blames you for not showing up to shul in a snowstorm, even if you’re in the shul. Bring A Travel Stove Choolante does not taste the same cold. I don't care how much faith you have in Gd, it does not taste good cold. I learned that when we had choolante on a family trip picnic. That's how you know I am a good Frum Jew. My parents fed us leftovers on a picnic. You'll have to probably cook your own food, as your hosts will use the storm as an excuse for not 'expecting you for Shabbis.' In this case, enjoy your choolante and reclaim the babka. A Table On Shabbat, you want to eat on a table. You may not want to pay for a hotel, but you're Menches. If you're going to crash, you're going to eat properly. The shul may have extra tables. However, your hosts may not have enough room for your eight kids at their table. You may want to bring chairs as well. I hope these extra Shabbat tips help as much as the tip I gave last week of ‘travel with a lot of food.’ Myself, I don't have time to prepare all this food or listen to my parents and travel with a lot. I'm still going to travel with soda and chips and pray nothing bad happens. I will also bring a Shabbat gift, just in case I have the chance to save money on a hotel, on a clear day. If you've learned nothing, be a religious Jew. You can save a lot of money on travel this way. Postscript: Now that I think back to my childhood, my parents never served us choolante as leftovers. They were too good of Jews to do that. We had kugel, tzimis, chicken soup. Never did we eat choolante as leftovers. They were kind to me as a child and they knew that choolante should be thrown out after Shabbis. Even if you're Frum, you should still have a heart. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A Jewish Thanksgiving Parade11/24/2022
The Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is loved by Jews. Yet, the parade is not Jewish enough. I hope these ideas can help make the parade more Jewish, so that we can witness redemption in our times with some huge balloons.
Floats Ice cream floats, that would be a something. I don't need to see truck flatbeds not carrying food. That's a waste. It's also boring. A truck full of pumpkins would be a spectacle. I would be there to watch a huge ice cream float on wheels. That would be a thing. Other than ice cream, they can make the floats more Jewish if they would have a more Biblical look going on the floats. The problem with the Biblical figures in a scene on the flatbed is that gentiles would mistake the holiday for Christmas. I would never suggest floats of Jews. The Belgian parade people would enjoy that too much. They'd be right there at Macy's pitching ideas of Jews with big noses and streimels holding huge bags of money. Marching Bands This is offensive to Jews and shouldn't be part of the parade. Jewish musicians do not move. They stand in one spot and focus. They can't do two things at once. They can't play the trumpet while multitasking. This is why Jewish men focus on learning and don't help out around the house. They can't multitask. And Jews don't fip batons. Even Aly Raisman never touched one of those. Frum Jewish musicians focus. They don't do dance or pop shows. Singers should focus too. The only movement a Jewish singer should be doing is raising their hand in the air. This is why I question if Mordechai Shapiro and Gad Elbaz are really Jewish singers. A Jewish wedding band on a float is fine. The floats should be moving the band. Band stays still and the float moves with a guy raising his hand, asking Gd 'why' while singing. I even question raising the hand, as it might be multitasking too much. Performers Music. That's it. The parade should just be music perfromances and nothing else. Jewish performance is music. Nobody is going to be entertained watching guys dance down the street in a circle. Huge Balloons Love these. Keep them. Giant Balloons are the parade. Nobody cares that South Dakota has a marching band. If Avraham Fried joined their band, that would be a something. What would make the parade even better is if a balloon clown was there making the huge balloons to request. Those guys can do anything. They definitely are great at Bar Mitzvahs. Though I love them, I do get scared when those things start passing above me on the street. I've seen Godzilla and what he can do. Those balloons are twenty stories high. Just because it's Chase from PAW Patrol doesn't make me feel any safer. Balloonicles After seeing the huge skyscrapper balloons, I'm not very imporessed. This just goes to show what happens when people get lazy. Instead of a three hundred foot balloon, now you get to see a clown riding a bycicle with Bulldog and SpongeBob. Why have we never seen a balloon of the Shteeble Hoppers? Are they not mainstream American entertainement? They were played in my home all the time. Again. I am not suggesting Belgians get involved making these balloons. MCs These TV hosts are too smiley. MCs should not accept the parade as good. The MCs should be critiuqing the parade, arguing over the balloons not being good enough. Expressing disappointment at the giant cartoon characters. They should be complaining about the event and telling us how they would choose better balloonicles. That's what a true MC does. Sales and Black Friday I know Macy's is prepping everybody for Black Friday. Can we change the name of Black Friday. It sounds like a plague. I'm just worried they're going to blame the Jews for that at some point. If I saw this, I would be thankful. Until then, I will be happy with huge balloons. Truth be told. It's all Bitul Zman (a waste of time). Everything other than the huge balloons. The parade should just be giant balloons. Those are Gd's creation. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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You want your Passover Shpritzes to be specific. The one with wood is for cleaning wood. The one with Jet is for cleaning planes. The lemon is for cleaning lemons.
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