Remember to not vow, as you will not follow through on any of these. (Photo: Getty Images)
Rosh Hashana is here and the Jewish New Year’s means it's time to make resolutions. We don’t make vows that we will have to annul next week, before Yom Kippur. We make resolutions that we won’t follow.
It's hard to figure out what else to resolute. Other than saying "I won't eat chocolate," It's hard to figure out what to resolute. Thus, I bring you a list of possible Rosh Hashana resolutions. I heard people make these last New Year's Eve: Resolution to Lose Weight: Something About No Chocolate I will eat healthy. I believe this means quinoa. I will not eat chocolate. I will not eat cake. I will not eat. I will purchase a gym membership. I will take off weight. I will not show up to the gym. I take it back. I will not take off weight. It will not happen. To do so, I will have to skip every holiday meal for the next month. I will put on weight this year. I will try to not eat chocolate. The Success Resolution: Made By Those Who Have Aspirations to Get Something I will ask for a raise. I will try to make more money by request. I will not work harder. I will tuck in my shirt. Keeping my shirt out has held me back from getting jobs with decent pay. I am an adult. I will wear a suit and a tie. I will lose my personality. I will not say anything at work. That gets me in trouble. My personality has held me back. My personality is jeans and an untucked shirt. My kids will sleep on Shabbat afternoon, so that I can sleep. It will not happen. I will find a friend who says, "You go girl." I will wake up at 5am because a book said somebody did it and they made money. I will read Chicken Soup for the Soul. Every one of them. I will not eat chocolate, because successful people might not eat chocolate. The I Need to Do More for Me Resolution: Because Oprah, Tyra Banks & The View Said I Need to and It Is Not Selfish to Have "Me Time" I will make this the year of me. I need a year to not care about others, to find myself. I hope I don't have to see people this year. I will go on more trips. I will visit China this year. Australia for two months every year. Hike South America for four months this year. Tour Europe for six months this year. Cruise northern Canada and Alaska for a month and a half this year. This year, I will spend a sabbatical in India. I will go for me, without my kids. I will get a better job that has less vacation days, so I can go to Disney World too. I will get fired from my job for not being there, for me. I will read novels, although I haven’t finished one since our first child was born. I will pamper me. I will shop, for me, on me day. I will write the novel I wanted to on ME Day. Thank you, Whoopi. I will go to High Holidays service without a Chazin, so I can get out faster and have more "me time." I will go to the manicure, because clipping my nails is too much of a hassle. I will not eat chocolate in Disney World or Asia. Conclusion Chocolate and health are the backbone of all resolutions. If you stick to that, your resolutions will look good and you might even have more “me time” and quicker services this Rosh Hashana. Just remember to resolute. Do not vow to not eat chocolate. If I eat chocolate, I will try again next year. I will not eat. That's a good resolution. I think I can stick to that. Tags:
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Yaakov’s brother was always deceptive when playing cards. He’d just say, ‘Esav.’ You get it? That‘s his name. When you‘re playing cards and that‘s all they say, you don‘t know if it‘s an ace of diamonds, an ace of hearts, spades... You don't know. He's only saying Esav. Not very helpful. 
Wearing Israeli flags. Showing their support for Israel at the rally in DC. It would’ve been smarter if they brought coats. Based on experience, flags don’t work as good windbreakers.
Come out to see David Kilimnick in Rochester, NY. September 19th and 20th... Click on the picture for tickets
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
9/6/2023
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