It’s not easy to write that word, especially when you know you’re lying about keeping them.
Rosh Hashana is here and the Jewish New Year’s means it's time to make resolutions. We don’t make vows that we will have to annul next week, before Yom Kippur. We make resolutions that we won’t follow.
It's hard to figure out what else to resolute. Other than saying "I won't eat chocolate," It's hard to figure out what to resolute. Thus, I bring you a list of possible Rosh Hashana resolutions. I heard people make these last New Year's Eve: Resolution to Lose Weight: Something About No Chocolate I will eat healthy. I believe this means quinoa. I will not eat chocolate. I will not eat cake. I will not eat. I will purchase a gym membership. I will take off weight. I will not show up to the gym. I take it back. I will not take off weight. It will not happen. To do so, I will have to skip every holiday meal for the next month. I will put on weight this year. I will try to not eat chocolate. The Success Resolution: Made By Those Who Have Aspirations to Get Something I will ask for a raise. I will try to make more money by request. I will not work harder. I will tuck in my shirt. Keeping my shirt out has held me back from getting jobs with decent pay. I am an adult. I will wear a suit and a tie. I will lose my personality. I will not say anything at work. That gets me in trouble. My personality has held me back. My personality is jeans and an untucked shirt. My kids will sleep on Shabbat afternoon, so that I can sleep. It will not happen. I will find a friend who says, "You go girl." I will wake up at 5am because a book said somebody did it and they made money. I will read Chicken Soup for the Soul. Every one of them. I will not eat chocolate, because successful people might not eat chocolate. The I Need to Do More for Me Resolution: Because Oprah, Tyra Banks & The View Said I Need to and It Is Not Selfish to Have "Me Time" I will make this the year of me. I need a year to not care about others, to find myself. I hope I don't have to see people this year. I will go on more trips. I will visit China this year. Australia for two months every year. Hike South America for four months this year. Tour Europe for six months this year. Cruise northern Canada and Alaska for a month and a half this year. This year, I will spend a sabbatical in India. I will go for me, without my kids. I will get a better job that has less vacation days, so I can go to Disney World too. I will get fired from my job for not being there, for me. I will read novels, although I haven’t finished one since our first child was born. I will pamper me. I will shop, for me, on me day. I will write the novel I wanted to on ME Day. Thank you, Whoopi. I will go to High Holidays service without a Chazin, so I can get out faster and have more "me time." I will go to the manicure, because clipping my nails is too much of a hassle. I will not eat chocolate in Disney World or Asia. Conclusion Chocolate and health are the backbone of all resolutions. If you stick to that, your resolutions will look good and you might even have more “me time” and quicker services this Rosh Hashana. Just remember to resolute. Do not vow to not eat chocolate. If I eat chocolate, I will try again next year. I will not eat. That's a good resolution. I think I can stick to that. Tags:
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Paroh had compassion on the wine steward, because he was pour. The baker had a lot of dough. You get it? Poor. It should've been "poor." We wrote “pour,” He poured stuff. We misspelled poor so you could enjoy the pun. Then the extra with the baker and dough. Dough meaning money here, but could mean dough for baking... The pun might have been best three weeks ago. Better than getting it three weeks ago, you have two puns in one. 
What makes a tailor shop a sketchy? When the guy is a money changer... And then when they gave the change for the hem, they charged a fee for taking the money.
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
Yad Soledet Bo is anywhere from 110 to 180 degrees Fahrenheit. How they found out what burns the hand at 180 degrees... And people say religious Jews aren’t brave.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
9/6/2023
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