How to Meet a Religious Girl Online

by David Kilimnick

Nowadays, you have to meet the Frum Jewish girls online. Even the Shadchanim are online. You have no choice. How you do it as a Frum Jew who doesn't use a computer, I can't tell you. How the religious matchmakers who don't use technology are on the internet, I can't tell you. Miracles do happen. And I for one believe in H'.
With much non-success with the dating sites, I have created many strategies to attract the Frum girl online. As I care about helping Jews meet their Bashert, I am here to show you how to draw the religious woman cyberly.
Today, we will focus on a few of the greater techniques of how to cast a net online.

Tell Her You Don't Use the Internet
You don't want it getting out there that you're using the internet to meet her online. You can get excommunicated for that. Good Frum Jews don't use the web. 
You've got to let her know you're Frum. That means telling her online that you don't use the internet. And that you're happy to have met her on the dating site, which you thought is a monument. If she's truly Frum, she'll understand.

Tell Her You're Only On the Site To Learn Torah
As a Frum Jew, you're always learning Torah. Eating, shopping, sitting on a bus, running, mowing the lawn, online dating, you're learning Torah.
You'll only need to explain how you met her learning Torah if she's not spiritually connected to H'. If she's connected to Gd, she'll understand how you met her on a dating site with people who are 'willing to convert' learning Torah.
If you can tell her that the dating site is not online and that you were only there to learn Torah, you will land a good Jewish girl from a very Frum family. You might even end up with rabbinic dynasty in the mix.

Work On Your Profile Pictures
If you're not that religious and you use the internet to meet girls online, then you will have to make your profile look religious. The only way to do this is with good pictures.
You want pictures of family. Big families. Big families are Frum. This is why many single religious people buy wallets and picture frames. It's for the pictures of the families.
Borrow your nephews and nieces. This is why you have them. Frum women are attracted to nephews and nieces. To learn how to grab a kid correctly for a picture, see any religious girls' profile and see the nephew holding technique. Note: All pictures should show you learning Torah. Hence, holding your nephews and nieces with a Sefer in hand.
If you have to explain why your picture is online, tell her you're doing Kiruv. As long as you're bringing people closer to Judaism, sinning is OK.

Go On a Dating App
If you're worried about her thinking that dating sites are on the internet, you can use dating apps. You just have to make it look like you got there by accident. We are still not sure if apps are considered internet, or Kosher phone appendages.
If she asks why you're on the app, blame a friend you are doing Kiruv on. Or tell her you're there to help make nonreligious girls more Frum. Better yet, tell her you're there to learn Torah with girls who are willing to convert.

Start a Website
Websites for Shabbis gifts are big. Frum women love websites with Shabbis gifts. Food gifting is the only true reason a Frum woman is allowed online. That's a well known Psak (rabbinic decree).
Sell chocolate covered almonds placed in a five sectioned dish. That will draw the Frum woman when she wants to buy somebody a Shabbis gift. She sees a Twizzlers nib looking type candy near chocolate covered nuts and you have yourself a Shidduch.
You don't want to scare the girl, and make it look like you're a stalker who started a business to meet Frum girls. Hence, you want to contact the people she's sending the almonds and fake Twizzlers bites with white foamy stuff inside to. Ask them if that is her return address on the package. This way you can use your own site as a dating app.
Again, employ pictures of you with your nephews and nieces, and the people in the wallet. A picture of you all eating gummy candy you hoped were Twizzlers and a Sefer is perfect.

I am bothered by this article. I am sorry. Now that I think of it, I will not use any of these techniques, as they all sound very creepy. Please know that I have never used any of these methods. I am truly just trying to help.
I would suggest you don't take any of my advice either- in some states these techniques may be considered illegal. This is all shameful. You shouldn't even be on the internet. I feel like I am giving advice to a bunch of heathens.

The best piece of advice I can give you is to move to New York. This way, you can be near all the Jewish single women when you meet them online.
Next time, we will focus on the dating profiles, and how to lure the Jewish girl with the activities you choose (such as learning Torah).