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How they find you, I don't know. But Jewish Organizations will find you. They will get your dues. Don't try hiding from the Jewish Federation. They know who you are. They know where you live.
Many people have asked me how to avoid the Jewish nonprofits. I will do my best to help you steer clear of the Federation. It won't work. Even so, I will share some methods with you. People have tried these.
Change Your Number
Do you have friends, siblings, a bunk-mate from Camp Shalom in first grade, anybody you thought you'd go into business with, a mechanic you stopped going to eight years ago, a cashier at Marshall's who rung up a pair for trousers? They will find them. Then, they will find you.
Change Your Address
Many have. You do what you can to not have anybody contacting you on Super Sunday. Changing your address is not enough. Everybody in town knows Schwartz is Jewish. You have to move to a country that has not seen Jews yet. Malaysia could work.
Even in a country without Jews, I would not feel safe. I am sure there's a Chabad in Malaysia. They'll find you. I thought Singapore would work. There are Chabads everywhere.
Change Your Last Name
Jewish women have tried this for centuries. They still find them.
Lose Your Job
People have quit work in hopes that the Jewish National Fund will stop calling. It hasn’t worked. They have access to your retirement account.
Say You're Single
That might keep them away. It worked with the ladies. It's kept away every potential soulmate you've come across. Hopefully they won't consider you part of the Jewish community, due to your patheticness.
Either that, or they'll charge you as though you're a family. It's a Jewish community one-for-the-price-of-two deal. In know that Shuls charge you double for being single, as a way to try to keep you out.
Join Another Sect
Chabad will still find you.
Tell Them You Fell on Hard Times and You Need Money
They will tell you that you still have to tithe.
Go to Olam Haba
My parents are in Olam Haba, may they rest in peace. They're trying, but Jewish organizations are still hounding them for money. They still call. You can be gone from this world for fifteen years, the youth group will still call you for your yearly donation.
They track you down. You can be in heaven, relaxing, they'll call. And they'll still send you calendars. Why you need calendars in heaven, I don't know. But they still expect you to pay dues.
I've tried it all. It doesn't work. Some have passed away to avoid paying pledges. They will find you.
The only way to avoid them hunting you down is if you move to Israel. If you make Aliyah, the nonprofits give up on you. Moving to Israel was the smartest thing I ever did. Ever since, Jewish organizations don't ask me for money.
Once you move to Israel, they know you're not going to support the Jewish community. Even the Israeli government, with their army, can't get money from Jews.
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My kids take after me. Due to Kibud Av vEim, they always let me take first.
You get it? ‘Take after me' means to be like their dad. Instead, they let their dad fill his plate first, as per the Mitzvah to honor parents. Very good kids. If we can have a positive influence on the next generation with our puns, that is the blessing.
Giving Tzedakah, I like to know where the charity is going. That charity box in the front is for kids who need help with their artwork.