David's Political Platform: Israeli Bill No. IV

by David Kilimnick

That is what's holding up traffic... (Photo: Gili Yaari/Flash90)

​BILL 4 – No Third Grade Kids Directing Traffic
This is an issue in Jerusalem. Hence, I bring it up on Yom Yerushalayim (Jerusalem Day). One of the few days the kids aren't in school, and thus it is safe to cross at a crosswalk.

Act
The post school stop sign to cross the street cannot be held by children until they are old enough to cross the street by themselves.

Problem
a) Children are directing traffic in the middle of the day, when school is out. The only traffic pattern they know is walking home from school with a whistle.
b) The whole of West Jerusalem is held up and traffic is stopped at 2:30pm, because the kid is too small to lift the stop sign, to let cars go.
The bigger kids are waving the signs and pointing them in random directions, aloof, smacking people on the sidewalk. One spaced out kid had people held up in the middle of the sidewalk. He was pointing the sign the wrong way. The kid didn't realize cars don't drive on the sidewalk. 
c) These kids aren’t old enough to cross the street themselves.
d) This falls under the issues brought up in all the safety bills I have proposed, of which each one consists of motorcycles and Toostoosim.
e) I see a fluorescent orange vest, but I see nothing inside of it. These kids are tiny. It looks like one of those tiny person sketches where somebody acts as the hands for somebody else. I just see two hands and a vest.
g) No child should have to deal with road rage until they get their license. I saw a fifty-year-old native beep and curse out a kid. He thought he was getting mad at the car in front of him for holding up traffic. It was the kid that was holding up traffic, as she couldn't lift the sign, and that is who he ended up cursing at. I believe it was his child, as the kid screamed back, ‘Keep your eyes on the road you idiot.’
h) These kids are going to be going to the army, there is enough danger then.
i) Teachers finish teaching and then abandon them, leaving them in charge of the running of the school, city traffic, and the municipality.
j) I get held up. That ruins my day. And then I hate kids.

Solution
a) Spend money and have a grownup directing traffic.
b) If we are using children, give them sumo suits or something that will protect them. The fluorescent in the middle of the day does not work the same as in the dark. If they're going to have the fluorescent orange vests, make them stay in school till 6pm, after rush hour. 
c) No beeping until you know who caused the problem. Then you are allowed to get out of your car and hurt them for driving at the speed of traffic.
d) Send kids to traffic school. At least, make sure they are not drinking. I don’t know what Petel does to the brain, but it does not have them focused on my getting past Beyt Sefer Yisodi Pelech.
e) Get them on a weightlifting regimen or have them work in groups. Get four kids on each sign. The only issue with this is teamwork. Which is why they should take up rowing and join a crew before being allowed to run the city at 2:30pm. 
f) Teach the kids directions. If they can't point right, they can't run city traffic.
g) Make it clear that the children are the ones causing traffic, so that we know who to blame. Grownups will stop fighting with each other.
h) Have a huge blinking sign 'Warning: Delays Up Ahead. Child Who Was Educated in the Jerusalem School System Running Traffic Patterns.'