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I have been part of the community for years and I am just starting to realize what violent people the members are. It started with a kind hello. It was a physical 'Good Shabbis' hello. Then there was Kiddish. People are violent when there is still meat in the choolante. And if there is ever a decent babka, I've learned to protect myself. And I've noticed other violent people in shul. And don't let age deceive you.
Here is violence you should be aware of and watch out for when going to shul. They Will Hit You to Say Hi I don't know what it was. He said 'hello' and hit me. He said 'Duvidel' and whack. He thinks he’s being friendly by hurting me. Being fun by bruising me. I told him, 'Your friendliness injured me. There's no reason to whale on me to say "Shabbat Shalom." I will have a good Shabbis without getting hurt.' Watch out for being liked. I don’t want to be anybody’s buddy. You get hurt being somebody's buddy. When you're a buddy, they punch you. I started to realize, elbows and kicks are all part of being friendly at shul, when you're their buddy. Close family can hurt you too. They can get violent when you show up to Simchas and they hug real tight. The caring relatives are more dangerous than buddies. I want to be a distant relative to all people. Show up to the party and people are shocked to see me. It's safer to be the one who people think crashed the party, where they're trying to figure out if they recognize you. I'm the buddy and the close relative and I'm getting nuggies. They love me and I'm getting hurt. I don't like it. COVID Elbow I thought that's how people say 'hello' now. No. It's how they hurt you. They've moved away from the handshake and they now give you an elbow. But these older men at shul are attacking me with their elbows. They have no control. I got one elbow to the chest. He wasn't even my buddy. Kiddish Elbows Approaching the Kiddish table? Be ready. Some congregants get violent when it comes to kichel. The closer you get to the choolante, babka and herring, the more viscous they get. And they claim their spot with their elbows. Watch your eyes too. Fran poked me when I got near the Danish. She felt my presence and was worried that her elbow wouldn't be enough to keep me from the pastries. The Hand Squeeze They squeeze real hard. Why they try to hurt me when welcoming me, I don't understand. There's a lot of ego behind the 'Good Shabbis' handshake. One shake with an older member of the shul lasted three minutes. He wanted me to cower. I held on and didn't give in. There was no 'Good Shabbis' said. We just stared at each other squeezing. Finally, when he let go, we walked away. He gave me a little nod. After the hand squeeze assault, I saw him walk over to Fran to murmur something. I believe he said, 'We're going to have to watch out for this one at Kiddish. He has a good shake. We're going to have to use our elbows on this one.' Armrest Elbow Attack The shared armrest. That's a fight. The guy next to me never looks at me, but he is throwing elbows. I believe that the members of the shul think that if they don't acknowledge it, it's as if the violence isn't happening. Candy Throwers Ever thought the people in shul were nice? You weren't Bar Mitzvahed. They throw those candies hard. I never thought a Sunkist jelly candy could hurt so much. That's before Reb Shmuli showed up to my Bar Mitzvah. I never did anything to that man. All I know is that he throws hard and has good aim. It might be an in the moment anger caused by the Bar Mitzvah boy making Davening take an extra forty-five minutes, ruining the people's Shabbis. That's the only reason I can think of for whipping candies at a kid, and causing such pain to a Bar Mitzvah boy who spent half a year trying to get the Torah reading down. Candy Collecting The kids learn their violence from their parents. They see the candy, watch out, they're throwing elbows too. They'll run over seniors. They will tackle a toddler for a Mike and Ike. They'll slide under your seat and trip you if they have to get to a sour stick. Be it the Bar Mitzvah candies on the floor, or the line for candies at junior congregation, they're violent and they're throwing elbows. Martial arts has been encouraged in some circles. Some parents have sent their children to MMA so they can get some decent taffy. And watch out for rubbing people the wrong way. They will get violent if you provoke them. Every member of the shul parks in the disabled parking spot. If I ever tried to take their disabled parking spot, they would run after me and start whaling punches on me. People have to be less violent when coming together to serve God. Until we can stop the aggression, whatever you do in shul, be sure to protect yourself and watch out for elbows. And don't underestimate how strong Fran is when she sees blurberry Danish. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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BILL 2 – People Must Work the Month of Tishrei Even if There are Holidays in September and October
Act Force people to work on work days. Problem Nobody works from Rosh Hashana till the week after Sukkot. a) My electricity was out in my place. The electric people couldn’t come till after Sukkot. They said it was a holiday, and they were angry that I disturbed the holiday for them. The electric people were enjoying the holidays. I believe they had electricity. b) They just got off summer vacation. c) How do they have sick days too? d) The people I need help from see the summer through the holidays as a straight vacation. Even when the holidays go through October. e) Garbage doesn’t get picked up. Sanitation said they have a right to vacation too. f) I heard the school year started, but I saw no kids in school all of September or October. g) The week after Sukkot is not a holiday. Solution Work on the days that are not holidays. If there is a holiday in a month, that does not make the whole month a holiday. a) No countrywide conspiracy to get out of work for a whole month. b) No more unions in government supported agencies. The union and the government together with holidays, these people are never working. c) No more non-religious people claiming they are religious for September and October. I do Teshuva every Yom Kippur. I think this is a scam. d) People who work for the government cannot make up random rules that ruin my life, like a dedicated piece of the Tel Aviv beach for Matkot. e) Choose if you want off for the summer or the whole first month of the school year. You get a choice. You can’t have both. Nobody cares if you have to cook for your family. When their water stopped and they can’t pay the bill because nobody is taking calls, they don't care about your extra vacation… With this in mind, we are going to introduce the concept of shifts. The idea is that some people work on days when other people need to take off. This way I don’t get screwed, and the garbage gets taken. And ELAL remains an airline next September. f) People who work for the government have to work, sometimes. I understand that's not going to be a popular part of the bill that government will have to pass. Let’s add this here- People who work for the government have to know what their job is, and what they're doing. If you work for Mas Hachnasa (Israel Tax Authority) and you give a fine, you have to know what that fine is for. It can't be a decision you came up with because you don't like Davids. Even if that's how you decided you shouldn't be working the month of September, how my name causes so much revolution is beyond me. g) Start school in October. The two days of school in September are not enough time to teach our traditions of Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and how to scam days off work. And don’t tell me that knowing how to make a paper chain means you learned about Sukkot. h) No more summer vacation. They are not working anyways. Better yet, no more vacation. i) When January comes around, you can’t claim that we are close to the southern hemisphere and we should be vacationing now too. j) Introduce Labor Day to the guy at my Makolet, so he knows that he should start working normal hours again. When they see the holidays they think there's another vacation. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XV10/28/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Yom Kippur and Sukkot, parents using their strollers to block the entrance of the shul, and Amazon leaving your packages where your neighbors can take them, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at happiness expressed at the Kotel and little kids helping build Sukkahs.
Designated stroller parking area. Something every shul needs, so I can get through the entrance on Yom Kippur... Truth is they should have stroller parking all the time. Parents think the entrance is the right spot for strollers. Right where the door opens. Right at the spot where I can get in… Problem: Merv and Bernie will end up parking there. They already take the disabled parking spots and walk just fine. To get the good spot, when it comes to parking every member of our congregation is disabled. If they see the opportunity to park in the shul, they’ll be toddlers if they have to...
The Kol HaOlam Koolo circle at the Kotel. Beautiful. And it killed my Davening... I couldn't concentrate on my prayers, thanks to this act of brotherly love… This is what Yeshiva kids do now, with Tefillin on. A Hora. Shameful. I asked them to stop, as I won't part with tradition for shalom... When did singing and dancing start take the place of davening? Oy. How can you pray the Amida, circle dancing?... Side Note: It was nice to see them all together, holding hands, all different types and streams of people, all with kippot srugot (knitted yarmulkes). Even if they were Apikorsim, and not rebuking anybody for this heretical form of davening with smiles, the love took over the Kotel. Nobody attacked them, asides from myself. And yes, I am worried for the future of the Jewish people, with this kind of behavior from kids in the army.
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Dancing this holiday at the Simchat Beit Hashoeva, in the ring of brotherhood on the guy’s side of the synagogue, I felt at home. My hands were on my friend’s shoulders and I was walking around in a circle. Jews dance in a circle, by walking. I can’t wait for Simchat Torah, when I have the chance to walk in circle form, again.
The Simchat Torah ‘Two Handed Torah Lift Carry Torah Touch’ is an exciting dance move, but it is nothing without the circle. All Jewish parties (Simchas), Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs, weddings, Friday nights when we want prayers to last longer, the dance is in circle form. Because that is how Jews dance, in a circle. It is the people walking that make for the Jewish dance. Side note: We will not deal with the Middle of the Circle. Do not go in here, until you have mastered the outside circle. It is dangerous in there. As diverse as the dancing may be, the circle is the root; the circle of community, the outside circle of love. Here are the different outside circles of Jewish tradition and dance: Two Handed Shoulder Hold A classic. You can never go wrong following the person in front of you, unless if that person is an Apikores. You place your arms on their shoulders and follow. Wherever they go, you go. It starts in the circle and will usually end in a circle. Sometimes, it will turn into the ‘Train.’ Other times, it will be to the bar. No matter what, you can’t go wrong by holding the guy's shoulders. This dance is also very useful for those who do not have good balance. For those people, I suggest to brace yourself on the shoulders of the person in front of you very tightly. If the dance leads you to the bar or pole, duck. This is why you should always have your eyes open, even when doing the Two Handed Shoulder Hold. The Hand in Hand Intimate circle, where hands are held. Another classic. You generally want to join one of these circles with members of your immediate family. Front person should always have their hand on top. Don't make the one leading you supinate their hand. Dancing is not a power game, where you’ve always got the upper hand position on both sides. Don't ruin the enjoyment and make the ring of brotherhood and sisterhood a circle of contorted hands, so that you can feel like you're leading in a new dance where you are the king. It's not about you. It's about the community. You're just causing discomfort, and that makes the whole dancing not fun. Front person has the upper hand position, always. Circles move faster that way. And be ready for to flip your hands if the circle ever switches directions. Hand placement is the key to any Simcha. Happiness depends on how you hold hands. If your follower ever tries to connect to your hand from above, smack it. I've seen too many of these egotistical Baal Gayvas causing communal hatred. One Hand Shoulder Hold Where you put one hand on the shoulder. This shows the versatility of the shoulder dance genre. You can go from two to one hand. This dance allows for more flexibility, as the hand that is free can be raised. Possibilities are endless with the shoulder holds. No matter what you do, you should always end up in a circle. Even if you go for a forward impromptu step, always fun, you come back to the circle. Like life, the Jewish dance always come back to the circle. Upper Back Hold This is a variation on the shoulder hold dances. This dance is very useful when you are having a hard time reaching the person in front of you. Generally, this dance is done with the palm on the back. Even so, I have seen it executed with fingers, when the circle was too large and the Simcha was not well attended. The Run Fast You run fast in a circle. You don’t need to be talented for this, but you do need to be in shape. Be ready for your arm to be pulled out of socket by the guy in front of you. Check to make sure there’s a doctor at this Jewish event before you get involved The Run Fast. Please know that this is a more advanced movement. For those depending on the guy in front of them for balance, this can be dangerous. Note: Circling may make you dizzy, but I trust you'll get used to it. Start slow. The Leg Lift Popularized in the mid-90s, this is where you lift your leg every couple of steps. Kind of like the kick, many people have gotten injured doing this. I suggest to stick to the ‘Two Handed Shoulder Hold’ and walking. Safety comes first. Basically, any dance where you're holding hands can cause injury. With the arms on the shoulders, kicking ability is hampered and that is good. Do not try to be fancy and kick out to the sides, as that can cause injury to others. For yourself, you will want to stretch before side to sider kicks as well. Remember, safety is the most important aspect of all dances, which is why you should watch out for any movement. Any dance that involves movement should be avoided. And do not think for one second that you are dancing to burn calories from the smorgasbord. You can’t burn off that much pastry. Next time, we will delve into the Hora styles of not moving while you dance. We will also explore more outside circle techniques, such as how to pick your spot and when to cut into a circle, how to execute the Hassidic Back Forth Tish arm step, how to get in shape for the circle run for weddings of those in their young 20s, how to stand and clap outside the circle, proper etiquette for when to get the circle to change directions by yelling ‘switch,’ and what to do when the ‘train’ starts or the person in front of you pulls you away from the circle, pulling you away from your Jewish heritage. As long as your hands are placed correctly, you should be good. Holding techniques take time, but you will get them down if you're persistent. Trust in yourself. For now, work on becoming the best Jewish dancer you can be this Simchat Torah, and practice walking. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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High Holiday Seat Tips9/29/2022
Rosh Hashana & Yom Kippur are about your seat. Contrary to popular belief, the High Holidays are not about a new year or introspection. The High Holidays are about a decent seat and where you are located in the shul. That’s more important than what book you’re written in.
Do not complain. You are part of a community. That means that you don't have a seat if you don't pay, or everybody will talk about you on Yom Kippur. Being that you have to buy a chair, here is what to expect, how to claim your spot, and tips on getting the best bang for your buck out of your High Holidays seats in shul. Purchase a Seat You do not want to be the outcast, sitting there for free, in the 'I didn't pay my dues' section. Especially if you are single, purchase a seat. Show people you can commit to something. Purchase a Seat in Shul as Quickly as Possible Synagogues are packed on the High Holidays. Something about judgment, life and death makes people feel religious. And that means purchasing seats in shul. Make sure you get your seat as soon as possible, so you can get an aisle, or something not next to a heavy guy. Think about it like a flight. This isn't Shabbat. People show up. So make sure you purchase a seat real fast. A quality seat, preferably near the exit, so you can escape during the sermon. If you are lucky enough to go to a shul that has been around for a while, get a cushioned seat. Those go fast. For comfortable seating at a much lower cost, show up to shul on Shabbat. Due to the lack of regular confrontation with demise, many Jews skip these weekly services. For this reason, I have suggested to many rabbis to focus more on death in their sermons; in order to boost weekly attendance. Tiny Seats in Shul You may want to purchase two seats. The new seats in shuls are tiny. They aren’t made for people. Tiny little bucket stools. If you're a half a person, you can fit in with your leg over the armrest. The optimal discomfort would be to sit everybody on a plane for Shofar blowing. Being that it is forbidden to fly on the holidays, they are doing the best that they can with little children running around the synagogue and pews. As the High Holidays are about penitence, they tried to create a formula for discomfort and space. They went to the boutique movie theaters and figured that you can make the seats more uncomfortable if you make them out of wood and cut them in half. If you take a pew and seperate it, you can frustrate the congregants and make the hard wood even more uncomfortable. It's too late to take off the 80 necessary pounds to fit into one of the seats comfortably. If you can find a seat at the end of the row, you can lean at a 45-degree angle for the fifteen-hour service. This level of comfort is acceptable, as the leaning gives a look of penitence, and there is a chance that you will throw out your back. Chasing People Out of Your Assigned Seat Come ready to fight and claim your seat. There are people who try to buy the cheap seats, off in the back of the shul. They're always trying to sneak down to the front to get a better view of the action. Sometimes they hang out at the Bima to get a good look at the Shofar blower. You purchased the seat, you deserve the right to catch a good glimpse of the cantor’s top hat. You deserve to be part of the excitement. First start with a little Tallit smack. Put on your prayer shawl with a big swing, so the tassels smack the guy in the face. Let them know how it works when you paid top dollar for a seat and somebody is in it. You can also tattle. This is no different than a baseball game. Find an usher and have him take care of the matter. Make Sure You Do Not Sit in front of A Pew That Has Prayer Book Holders Shtenders, prayer book holders, behind your seat is worse than any repeated word, with extended notes, by your cantor. That Shtender and the person behind you can truly make Yom Kippur an uncomfortable day. They started making the Shtenders just small enough, so the guy’s Machzor (High Holiday prayer book) is smacking the back of my head the whole service. Discomfort being the key, last Yom Kippur, as I was hitting my heart, I used my third hit to whack the guy in back of me. I then took the guy's Machzor which was in my neck, and smacked him with it. I always questioned why all holy books were hardcover. It all makes sense now. Thanks to this experience I feel closer to the holy words of our tradition. Then I kicked him. He wasn't in my seat in shul, but somebody had to let him know that we are in the middle of the Day of Atonement for our sins. After throwing a couple of punches at him, I feel like I got out all of my hatred for other people. I felt extremely penitent. Share the Armrest Be prepared for having to share your armrest with selfish people. This is the season of repentance. Be decent person. They make sure to provide one armrest for every two seats. My nephew thinks the whole row is his armrest. Leaning across the thing. Work with your fellow human being. Enough of the passive aggressive fight that has been going on in synagogues since the beginning of time. Be kind. This is a little thing we all can do, to make for a more giving society. Working on our positive personal character, is a large part of repentance. Go frontsies-backsies with your neighbor. Maybe go for arm against arm support. Do repentance like the Rambam says, and say, 'I will never elbow fight again with my neighbor.' Make a resolution that makes a difference, and next time you fly say, ‘This is your armrest, just as much as mine.’ Nobody is going to share the armrest. Lets be honest. They're all selfish. Good luck being comfortable this Yom Kippur. If you have to, spread yourself out and claim the area. Fight for your seat if you have to. Being kind can ruin the Yom Kippur experience. Remember: Though it may be expensive, you are not allowed to take the seat home. There is a reason they bolt those things down. Next year, we will focus on seats for poor people, who have been ostracized and banished to the plastic chair section. May we all be written in the book of decent seats. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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We have the traditional signs in Hebrew, known as Simanim, to say how our enemies should die through violent vegetation. What about Simanim for the English speaker? Here are fruit and vegetables and some creative curses in English, that I came up with, to make your Rosh Hashana more meaningful (I will try to rhyme, as rhyming is important for warding off evil):
Curses with Fruit & Vegetables Aubergine- ‘Like a carrot not dressed, may all their eggplants be undressed, with no tahina or bean. Just a plain eggplant, with no identity, confused like aubergine. And dead.’ Death truly adds to this Siman. Bananas- ‘May our enemies slip on the ground, like a banana that’s been split. And then be scattered, because they split.’ I feel that using the banana split line makes for a good substitute for a rhyme, and it is scary. Broccoli- ‘May they be broken like broccoli, and have their stem separated from the rest of their tiny tree. And not to be able to mix with any vegetables because they are awesome by themselves.’ I like broccoli too much. Maybe if my enemies knew that, they wouldn’t be enemies. Brussel Sprouts- ‘May our enemies sprout like a brussel and never turn into a cabbage. But very tasty. Tasty and dead.’ Cantaloupe- ‘May all evil wonder, and not know whether or not they are a deer, like an antelope, when I am eating my cantaloupe. Confused. Not knowing if they're a melon or not. Because it's not in the name.' Celery- ‘May all evil get stuck with parents who give their kids peanut butter on celery, instead of candy. Not enjoying their snacks.’ This can cause great sadness to our enemies. Corn- ‘May their hearts be torn, like when I rip into a corn.’ That sounds too much like a spell. Eggplant- ‘May all enemies be confused like a plant that is called an egg. Thinking that they came from a chicken.’ Fennel- ‘May our enemies die like a dog in a kennel, that was forced to eat fennel, because their owners didn’t care about them.’ I feel bad for that dog. Kiwi- ‘May all our enemies end up in New Zealand, because there aren’t that many Jews there, and it makes for decent cinematography. Like tasty kiwi, may we still be able to slaughter animals, ritually.’ Sometime our political enemies have to hear our plight. Not just the enemies in shul, who take my seat on Rosh Hashana. Who should die a starfruit death. Leaves- ‘May our enemies make like trees and leaves.’ Lagenaria- ‘May all evil catch lagenaria, and if that is not a disease, then malaria.’ You can also use, 'May our enemies be cursed with not getting lasagna for dinner, as they were hoping. And end up eating lagenaria.' That's a very strong curse. Lemons- ‘May life give them lemons.’ That is a curse for people who don’t know how to make lemonade. Sour people. Naartjie- ‘May our enemies be stuck with oranges for a high fee, like a naartjie. And mandarin themselves in the eyes, and then…’ Got carried away with that South African fruit name. Orange- Pulling together the trilogy of citrus… ‘May all evil have to listen to jokes about bananas that end with “orange you glad, I didn’t say banana,” with a life full of little kids that can’t tell jokes. Knocking on your door all day, with knock knock jokes, stuck in your mind like a foot in the door hinge, while you're glad you’re not an orange. Who’s there? Orange you glad it’s me?’ Don’t tell this curse to the little ones. It will hurt them too much. Parsley- ‘May our enemies be stuck with no basil or oil for pesto, and no rosemary. A whole year of Passover, with just salt water and parsley (stuck in the teeth).' Pear- ‘May our enemies not dare to stare at a pear. Because they are tasty apples, and that would not be fair.’ Ahhhh!!!! Bring it on. The curses are rolling off my tongue. As are the rhymes. 'May our enemies have to listen to rhymes.' Pickles- 'May they die the slow death of a cucumber that's been pickled. And then have their eyes stung by the juice. Pickled eyes.' This is a horrific curse. You must really hate the enemy to use this one. Pomegranate- 'May our enemies get hit with a palm that is made of granite.' A palm made of granite would hurt. Brilliance. I know. Tomato- 'May our enemies be crushed like a tomato, and used for jachnun.' Please note, I kept this in alphabetical order, so that you can reference it. I hope I am not scaring you, and that this is educational. I just wish I had a greater knowledge of the plantae kingdom and fungi family. My knowledge of monocots is so limited. Other foods were pulled out over the course of dinner last year, which were not vegetables. Yet, they did not have a curse for it. It was the first course, and they just wanted to eat it. They pulled out fish, and made the blessing, ‘We should all be for a head, and not for a tail.’ The fish fit the Siman perfectly. I like heads and I loved it because that sign was Gummy Fish. Not everybody likes fish, but everybody likes gummies. So, don’t be afraid to use candy to curse out your enemies. ‘May our enemies have bad teeth like one who chews on their lollypop.' If you're stuck with an apple and honey, you can use, 'May our enemies die like an apple that's stuck in honey, and can't get out.' I feel like I am scaring the children right now. Next year, I will try to give you some blessings. 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Places Shnurers Have Found Me9/14/2022
These guys find me everywhere.
The shnurer is the guy that asks you for money. Traditionally, a man you can't avoid. You can't avoid them. I've tried. They pop up everywhere. Once the Jewish community knows you're Jewish, they will find you. And you shouldn't avoid the shnurer. They're making sure you give Tzedaka, to them. With Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur coming, the organizational shnurers have figured out my address. Thus, I have collected many calendars for the 2022-23 season. Nonetheless, it's only the traditional shnurer who comes right up to you when you're eating that I respect. The shnurer who doesn't let boundaries of trespassing get in the way. The shnurer that takes your money and offers you no tax writeoff. Here are some of the many places they've found me. Pizza Shops $2.50 for pizza. A buck for the shnurer. You need an extra dollar per-slice. Budgeted. That's the kosher pizza fee. And they count slices. They see you back at the seat with the second slice you weren't sure about, and they're right on you with a Rav Nachman book. I say 'pizza shops' because they've found me in every pizza shop I ever ate at. They can sense when you're in the mood for margherita. Even when I'm in the mood for cheese sticks, they know it. Falafel joints they don't always catch me at. I've had a couple times they didn't find me. Maybe they thought I was an Israeli eating there, and it's not worth it to waste time getting shekels. Why these guys aren't hitting classier restaurants is an anomaly. Shul I was Davening. He interrupted me. I felt that was rude, and it killed my Kavanah. It's hard to have proper intent with my prayers when they guy next to me is jingling coins. Do shnurers realize how much they ruin Kavanah? It's almost impossible to focus on asking H' for a decent Parnasah, for a decent living, with this guy right there. It's rude. I thought I was connecting to God, and then he let me know God didn't care until he got more than a dollar. He wouldn't go. I even offered to pray for him to make a good living. He didn't want that. He wanted another dollar. And it is bothersome hearing him jingle coins, and then getting a reprimanded for giving him a quarter. If he wants a dollar, then he shouldn't jingle. Walking I thought they were going for a stroll too. They saw my Kippah and they knew it was time to shnur. I think it's the Kippah. If you're wearing a Kippah outside of shul, they will get you. Bus Stops I think the guy was trying to chase people away, so he could get a decent seat. He asked for money, and everybody ran from that stop. The Kotel I had already given Tzedaka to the people sitting with Tzedaka boxes. They're not shnurers. Shnurers come to you. Middle of Amidah. Right up to you. If you're moving, they follow. I was taking a drink at the water fountain. Mid-drink, I see the palm of a hand out the corner of my eye. I feel like it's just a reflex in Jerusalem. Some people have developed a charity ask. You think it's going to be a welcoming hand shake, and then the hand flips over. Real quick, it turns from 'Shalom. Welcome to Israel,' to 'You have any Tzedaka?' Woke up at a Park He was right there. He saw the yarmulke. The Kippah was covering my eyes. Any Frum Jew knows that a Kippah doubles as an eye mask. That's why the black Kippahs are very popular. They keep out the sun better. In Line at the Airport How he afforded the flight. That's still a question. He was a good shnurer though. I was bothered that he's going on a trip to ask for money. Then I remembered how much vacations cost. It's expensive. No shnurer should have to stay in a hostel. Shul At the Airport I thought I would have one Minyin where I would be able to focus. He spent two thousand dollars on that flight to ask me for Tzedaka. He knew. He sensed I was traveling. He also found me at the airport food court. There was pizza there. No concept of budgeting. The family's vacationing at the beach and the dad is checking sneakers to see who might have some money to give. At My Seat I woke up and the guy was right there, blocking the cart. The Grocery Store Baked goods. He was there. I pulled out money for groceries. He was there. My car. He was there. There's a fine line between harassment, stalking people, robbery and asking for charity. He didn't want food. They wanted money. Food can't buy you and your family a trip. My Front Door I've stopped answering the door. They pop up there. It's either the mailwoman or this guy who somehow figured out I'm Jewish. Either way, I am losing money. It's the shnurer or a High Holiday appeal with a calendar. I feel bad lying to them, but I do. 'Do you have money?' 'No.' That's the answer they're getting from me. How I afford rent; not the point. It's not responsible to tell them I have money. My doors open. They'll break right in. It could be a robbery. Just because the guy has a beard, doesn't make him safe. What's under his bekisha? He was there for a while. I gave him money. I was scared. Side Thought: I'm sure shnurers hit up nonJews when they're going door to door. The good ones must have a sale about joining Jews in heaven. Soup Kitchen I was eating in a soup kitchen. They still asked me for money. I thought I could eat a peaceful lunch there. No. If you have a Kippah, they will find you. Embrace it. Give some Tzedaka. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are coming up. Myself, I will keep praying for the day of redemption, where I can enjoy a peaceful slice of pizza. If I ever find out what member of the community is letting people know I'm Jewish, I'm knocking on their door. And I will drop a pile of calendars right there. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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EXT - CAR - DAY The car is with this man for three days. He hasn't even checked it yet. He gave the car a quick glance and came back to David to explain the situation. David sits in the Israeli mechanic's car, and the mechanic gives a soft inspirational speech to David. The mechanic is religious, with a Yarmulke on. As is David. Mechanic: You must to have Emunah. Faith. David: I need my car fixed. I need somebody I have faith in to fix my car. Mechanic: You need Emunah. Dis is de problem. David: I have belief in God. Can you fix my car? Mechanic: You in rush. If you have Emunah, you no rush. David: Yes. I am in a rush. I only have two days to get the car fixed. Then I have to go to America. Mechanic: If you Emunah. You won't no be in a rush. David: It sounds like Emunah moves very slowly. Why does Emunah move so slow? Can you fix the car? Mechanic: I have Emunah. David: Your car works. We're sitting in it. It drives. If I had a car that drove, I would have Emunah. Can you fix the car? Mechanic: You must to relax and have Emunah. David: I don't have time to relax. Mechanic (giving a soft look to say 'you see'): See. You no have Emunah. David: I'm taking the car to another mechanic. One who works and doesn't have Emunah. David is leaving the car. David: And I know that you didn't used to wear a Kippah. You can't fool me with that. I know you're ripping people off. Kibbitzer Conclusion This guy had Emunah. But he didn't fix my car. Why couldn't he just fix my car. I believe, at some point, he thought my name was Emunah. I am still trying to figure out how the mechanic turned into my rabbi. It is beautiful to have such devout mechanics in our country. The only issue is, the devout mechanics charge more. The cab driver also gave me a spiritual speech, when I told him I'm late to the wedding. He told me you have to have Emunah, and he drove very slow. And the cab ride ended up costing a lot. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Hebrew is important and we have to connect with the Holy Land. However, more important than Hebrew is sounding Israeli. Otherwise, you will get ripped off. Here are some of the secrets I have learned over the many years, for how to sound like a native.
Sound Angry They're not angry. It's just how they sound. It's how you greet people. You want to sound and look angry. The angriest sounding person I ever heard was a father giving a speech at his daughter's wedding. He angrily said, 'My daughter just got married!!! Mazal Tov to me!!! I am very happinessie. I want to thank everybody for coming and sharing in our Simcha!!!' Such joy. Note: And add letters to words. An 'ie' goes well at the end of every word. Sounding angry also helps you when there's a long line. If you sound extremely angry and unstable, people will let you cut. I have also used this technique in American inner cities, and it has helped with my safety. Ehhhh Say 'Ehhh' whenever there is a pause in what you want to say. Otherwise, the other person will have a chance to talk. You don't want that. That kind of give and take will kill a conversation. To note, also touch the other person's arm in the middle of the conversation. It forces them to stay and listen to your other jokes. Talk in a Voice Four Octaves Lower Than Your Natural Voice Allows I don't know how these tiny men and women have such deep voices. However, they are extremely deep, and scary. It might have something to do with the wars and all the enemies surrounding Israel. The Israelis talk in real low voices and the enemies think they are huge and angry. They run. It's like voice camouflage. And it gets you better deals at the shuk. Welcome People with a Command When you say 'Hello,' say it in command form. We are very connected to the Tzahal, the Israeli army, and we support it. The first time an Israeli said hi to me, I got scared. They came over to me, 'Shalom!!!!' My response was, 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.' And then I started doing push-ups. Very scary. Attack them with a 'Mah Shlomcha!!!!' You ask that question of greeting with a strong command of 'How are you?!!!!!' This way, you get an answer. Hello is a Competition Be ready for the greeting competition. If you apply yourself, you can win. There will be back and forths, even during the week. Don't back down. Give and takes: Be healthy. Be Mazal. Be strong. Enjoy your new shoes. Enjoy your new sandals. Blessed be God. Never use, 'Blessed be God' until it's over. It's too easy. Once you get them to go there, they've lost. Shabbat is very hard to be prepared for. They will one-up you. You come at them 'Shabbat Shalom,' and they're going to top you with 'uMvorach!!!' And a blessed Shabbat to you!!! You've got to be ready. Holidays are much harder. You come to them with a 'Moadim LSimcha' and immediately they got you with 'Chagim uZmanim LSason!!!' To translate, 'Times of Happiness.' 'Holidays and times of rejoice to you!!!' Command Your Kindness This is how you welcome guests. The beautiful Mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim isn't a question. You ensure they are coming. Kindness is better when they have no way out. 'You come for dinner!!! I feed you!!!' Now there is no question if you're having guests. They are coming. You command them, 'I pass you salt!!!' You now know they will respond, 'OK. I will have salt.' No need to worry if they're enjoying the dinner. You command them, 'You have a good time!!!' They will.They're too scared to not enjoy themselves. Note: Leaving out words from your sentences scares them into enjoyment even more. Leave Out the Last Letter When You Speak English Monopol is Monopoly. Shop is the verb. Hence, 'We go shop.' Even better, leave out words. You don't say, 'We go to the Kotel.' Proper Israeli English is, 'We go Kotel.' Pronounce Every Silent Letter That Not Supposed to Be There This Knowledge. Pronounce the 'K.' Always pronounce it. Knife. Knowledge. Listen. Add letters, if you like. Happinissie. Just remember to pronounce the letters you add yourself. Knowledge? No. 'Knowledgie' is the correct word. You added the 'ie.' LincoLon. That was the presidentie. Make People Feel Like They Did Something Wrong Use your hand for this. You put your fingers together, with your fingers facing up. Then bring your hand out to chin level, with a slight bend in the arm. It is at that height that the other person will know they did something wrong. Make a 'ti' sound with your tongue while holding your hand out with fingers together. This ensures that there is no mistake that they did something wrong. When you address them, it should feel like you're calling a dog. If you bring bend a little, they might even think you have food for them. You can also bend your head, and then shake it. That's the topper. They will think they did something wrong. Don't Sound American Every other citizen from anywhere else in the world sounds closer to an Israeli than an American. If you're American, chances are you will never fully master these techniques, without my coaching. I would suggest you just grunt and point a lot. Maybe do an 'ehhh' sound. Otherwise, you will get ripped off. We'll work on Arabic names next time. Machmud, Achmad, Waleed. Just open your mouth, yawn and growel. That's the best I can do to help you pronounce Middle Eastern names properly. Israelis are amazing people. Take their kindness and understanding of the true use of silent letters, and enjoy the beauty of their giving. Just make sure they don't use words like sheet, beach, or focus. It sounds wrong. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Last time we discussed the interior of the Jewish home and how you must use tinfoil. Now that the kitchen is tinfoiled, let's focus on the exterior.
The House Should Take Up The Whole Property Make sure the house takes up the whole property. This is Frum tradition that started in Boro Park. Frum Jews don’t waste, unless if it’s plastic dishware. Tin is never a waste. For this reason, you want to use your whole property for the house. Hasagas Gvul may be a law to not infringe on other people's property, but that’s not when we’re talking about the size of your house. Your home should hug right up against your neighbor’s house. Though, there should be around six inches between the homes, so that stuff can fall. The goal is to have no lawn, and to never be able to get to stuff you lost between the homes. You don’t want to have to cut grass. Personally, I was going to buy an acre in the suburbs, but that’s too much to build. If You Have A Front Lawn Use It Your only excuse for having a front lawn is that you're living in The Mountains. If you’re not in the city, everything should be treated like a bungalow. That means using the whole lawn for your stuff. All of it. Chairs go in the front yard. The BBQ in the front yard. The swing set, in the front. Kids, on the lawn. An extra freezer for ice pops. It’s communal living. You moved out to the bungalows. If anybody asks, you're living in the Nebraskan bungalows. If you tell people you ‘moved to the country,’ you might as well stop keeping Shabbis. You’re not Frum. No Jew moves to the country. They go to bungalows. And that means using your front lawn. All of it. Don’t Mow It Nobody mows in the bungalows. You want it to look lived. Chairs knocked over, keep them there. Religious people don’t bend. It’s on the ground, because God wants it that way. The grass is not cut, because God wants it that way. Tree falls. Leave it there. That gives it more of a Mountains look. And God wants it that way. Why they don't mow, is not the question. The tradition is to not mow. Frum Jews don't own lawnmowers. And they definitely don't clean their lawns. That's all I know. Even if you live in the suburbs, no lawnmower. That would be Maras Ayin, giving people the idea that you’re going to mow your lawn. Which means you're bending over and wasting time, and that's Asur (forbidden). You can't have people thinking that you're wasting time or getting exercise. You can’t mow while learning Torah. And you don't want to mow in suit pants or a dress. Mezuzahs on the Doors All doors should have Mezuzahs. Again, Mezuzahs are very important for drawing anti-Semites. Renovations Should Be Done Always You always need additions. You should always be in the middle of a project. First you have to add another room. Then a third room, because you didn’t see those kids coming. Then you need to make the kitchen bigger. Then you need a bigger dining room. Then you join the dining room and living room because you have grandkids. Then you need other rooms for the kids visiting with their families, doubling as a lodge that makes no money. There should always be a dumpster in front of your home. Minivan in Driveway You need a minivan. Without the minivan, you’re not religious. That’s proof you have less than five kids. Five kids is the Frum minimum. Other Stuff You Can Do Hang a salami. Anything that represents a deli is Jewish. You could even hang an awning with your name, and an apostrophe ‘s’ followed with ‘Delicatessen.’ For that matter, you can have a pickle barrel outside. Have kids running around. Kids playing outside is Frum. It shows that you’re not willing to use the air-conditioning. Tinfoil any area of your home that needs paint. The use of tinfoil is paramount for Jewish living. No dogs. You can have cats, as those can be at your house by accident. Strollers. You need strollers. Strollers on the driveway. Strollers on the grass. A stroller on the porch, propping the door open. If you want to have a serious Frum home, you should at least be showing one double stroller on the front lawn. If you can have a double-decker stroller, a quadruple stroller is the best. The general rule is it should look like Brooklyn or a bungalow. Nothing Victorian. Even if you’re living in Virginia, it’s a brownstone with additions or a shack. A huge building with no lawn, that takes up the whole property, or a hut with an unkempt front yard the kids can play on. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Tu BAv, the holiday of love is here, and that means it’s time for you to meet your spouse. To be a good religious Jew, you need to get married. Otherwise, you look off, sitting in shul giving out candy.
Last year, we discussed getting married for decent food, invites for dinners by married people, who unlike single people feed you and don’t ask you to bring all the food, not being too old to be an uncle without scaring children and families, having your own little people to scream at, and the ability to wear a Tallis and Sheytel in shul, so that the community finally believes you’re not crazy and you have a right to have sweets in shul. Here are more reasons you need to get married, so that you too can be an honorable member of the Frum community, and not a crazy person who has to pay twice the amount of dues. You Need a Reason for a Minivan To be a good Jew, you need at least one minivan in the driveway. Single people can't have a minivan. They'll think you’re a predator or an ice cream truck driver. You’ll be on the Family Watchdog list. You don’t need red dots following you and your home on the internet. People don’t understand the usefulness of the two row back seats, when you’re a single guy on a road trip and you need to sleep at Walmart. You get married, you can now drive a spacious car, and people understand it’s for groceries. You Save Money On Dues Now you can get the family membership package. All memberships at Jewish organizations and shuls goes down when you add the word 'family.' That’s why you never want to say you’re a couple. Couples pay dues like single people. Shuls don't want couples. They want families. Couples sin. There are no discounts for couples or single people. Only families. Two thousand dollars for a single. Four thousand for a couple. Three thousand for a family with eight kids. You Never Have to Hear the 'You're Only Half a Person' Speech You will feel like you're an actual person at engagement parties, where they give the speech about how people are not people before they meet. They tell the newlyweds they're people now, and look at the single people in disgust, letting them know they're not really people. They do this looking right at you, the single person in the corner, who is sitting there with no head covering or prayer shawl. The speech continues with celebration in your not being a whole person, when they say that 'once Sharon and Michael got married, they became a person.' Sharon and Michael are happy, finally. You, are not. I was once at a wedding where the family turned to the singles table and said, 'You're not people.' The truth is they called it the singles table, and didn't give them place cards with their names on them. You Can Enjoy the Holidays You don’t have to worry about looking good anymore. You can just eat. You can be a good Jew and eat at every Simcha party, every holiday, and every time you pass an ice cream shop. You will never know what being a good Jew is until you can eat as much as you want, with no worries other than heart disease; and that can come from anxiety. Once you're married will never have to start a diet again. You will never need to worry that Shabbat will kill it. You will never have to go down a pant size. Your weight will always be Shabbos weight, and you'll have somebody that has to learn to love that. Reason for A Freezer The center of any good religious household. The freezer. Not just one but two freezers. The more religious you are, the more freezers you have. You see a future of little kids and you start cooking. When you have eight kids, you will never have time to cook. You discuss how many kids you plan to have over the next ten years and cook for that. Then you buy freezers to store it. Real Frum families have a walk in. It's a Mitzvah Nobody thought about that. Along with the headcovering, prayer shawl, ‘honoring thy parents’ benefits, and decent dinners, getting married is the right thing to do. Get married because it’s a Mitzvah, or at least allows you to do Mitzvot. It allows you to be a person, and do Mitzvot, and to be an uncle that is not scary. So get married. It’s the only way to be a good Jew. I mean to say, it's the only way to be a person. Till then, be a bit depressed. And know you're a sinner. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Tisha BAv is considered the saddest day on the Jewish calendar. Many tragedies took place on this day, including the destruction of the Temples, due to our sins. Hence, on this day, we are awakened to repent as a people. As such, I worry about fasting.
What truly bothers me during this time of mourning is the idea of not being able to eat cream cheese and lox. Not even a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. After five hours of fasting, I'm not worried about the destruction of the Temples. I'm worried about starving. and even worse, losing weight. This Tisha BAv, I don’t want you to be worried about not eating. I want to give you the tools to be focused on the destruction and how we can work towards the rebuilding of the next Temple. Today, we shall focus on pregaming the fast, and what to do afterwards. Gorge Before the Fast Eat a lot. This is the way to make it through a fast. The tradition before Tisha BAv is to sit on the floor and to eat an egg and bread with ashes, to commemorate the destruction. I have never filled up on eggs and ashes. Thus, I have another meal before that, to commemorate the fear of eating an egg and bread, and the greater fear of not eating for a day. I also commomate chairs during that meal, by sitting on one. You're not going to be eating for around twenty-five hours. I don’t know when starvation begins. I don’t know how much the body needs to survive. I do know that I love breakfast. You're going to be missing out on breakfast and lunch. There are snacks, such as Snickers and Chex party mix, and fruit pies. You'll be missing those. I love that Chex party mix with the pretzels. It’s like a salty non-cereal cereal. Amazing. I might even be missing out on a nice peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. Thinking about not eating, that all seems so much tastier. Eat it all before the fast. You don’t want to miss out on any meal because the Temple was destroyed. The pre-fast meal should be a full day’s worth of snack, pasta, cereal, pastry and whatever else causes a headache. That or sitting on the floor with an egg and ashes. I'm not going to judge. I am not knocking ashes. They just don’t fill me up. Ashes are not a staple in my diet. However, they are an excellent condiment. Gorge After the Fast The two pillars of the Jewish fast: gorging before and gorging after. The goal of the fast is to put on weight. The gorging after technique allows you to catch up on any accidental loss of poundage. Allowing you to continue in your goal of being a good Jew. The post fast meal should consist of eggs, cream cheese and bagels. You should also fill up on all dairy products you missed when gorging before the fast. Eat quiches, lasagna, fettuccine alfredo, blintzes and anything else you ate on Shavuot. Be sure to also have cheesecake. Remember, you're making up for all the food you did not eat that day. And that includes everything. The Temples were destroyed. We want to bookend that with food. Otherwise, there's no way you'll enjoy the commemorating the destruction. Don’t let the fast day be the reason you don’t repent and become thin. I don’t know if kids are still starving in Japan, but we should think about them and eat. That is what my mother and Weird Al taught me. It's about being a good Jew. Being heavy shows that you ate when your parents told you to, and that you have kept the mitzvah of delighting in the holidays and Shabbat. Everything else is commentary. That is what I say when people ask me to give over the whole Torah to them, on one leg. The main idea is to not lose weight when you fast. Don't worry about the Temple. Just make sure you eat enough before and after the fast. It's that feeling of full that will initiate the building of the Third Temple. Next time, we'll talk about different methods of not going hungry during the fast, and how to plan being sick, or your pregnancy, so you can eat. There is a lot more to learn. This Tisha BAv, focus on the Before and After Method. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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BILL 1 – Streets Must Have Same Street Name on Same Street
Act To give streets uniform street signs with the same name, continuing on a street for more than a block. Problem I can’t figure out what street I am on half the time. a) King George does not need eight different names. People get lost trying to continue straight, just trying to figure out if it is the same street. b) I can’t give directions to people in Jerusalem, telling them, ‘Continue straight onto Strauss St., and then straight onto King George St., and straight onto Keren HaYesod St. Then continue straight onto Emeq Refaim St. And then, continue straight, with a tiny bear to the right, which is straight on Yochanan Ben Zakai St. And then straight at the roundabout, which is right, but straight, to Pat...’ I cannot justify how that is all one street, by explaining that it is still King George, even though it's not. Even Waze can’t figure what straight it is, at that point. Solution One street name per street. a) Find other ways to honor citizens and historical figures that no child knows. Though they should know the names of Israel’s presidents, Talmudic figures and those of the Bible, our street signs do not need to be used as educational tools. Street signs will be used as ways of helping traffic flow better, and a useful tool for finding my friend Mark’s house, on Emeq Refaim. School will be used to educate the children. b) History class must provide historical textbooks, with historical figures, so that students don’t have to tour the city anymore to learn who Miriam, Rebbe Zeira and Ben Gurion were. Which also slows down traffic. c) Plaques. Give people plaques. That is how you honor them. That is what shuls do. Find a spot in Jerusalem and fill it with plaques. I understand that many synagogues have a problem with this, because too many people die; even so, they find room. I believe we can take away one of the walls of the Nachlaot area of Jerusalem, which people hanging out in the shuk have designated as a place to pee late at night, and we can make the wall holy and memorable, with plaques. I do suggest we clean it. The Kotel also has a lot of space. Thank God, that is not in Nachlaot. d) No honoring anybody that was born within the last sixteen hundred years. We have too much history in the Holy Land. We are still having a hard time finding new streets for the rabbis from the Talmud and the first destruction of the Temple. We have stuff from 3,000 years ago. Let’s focus on that for a bit. We should be honoring Pinchas Ben Elazar Ben Aharon. Why is there no Pinchas Street? The corner between Yochanan Ben Zakai and Pat should be Pinchas Street. He deserves it. e) Keep street names for a street, as that street continues. No changing street names every half a block. The names will remain the same, even if we have to use house numbers that go into the hundreds. A future bill will deal with roundabouts and numbers of buildings jumping from 2 to 6 to 149 to 38, on the same side of the street. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Three Weeks are upon us, and we learn the Second Temple was destroyed due to baseless hatred. You cannot hate people without a reason. We must hate people basefully. And we have hated many this year, with good reason. They are annoying, and they deserve to be hated. This past year, I have found more annoying people to hate, and they all show up to shul. They're all part of the community.
In the vein of the Three Weeks, join me on this year's journey of finding ways to not hate these people at shul. Hopefully, they'll stop, and we'll have peace. In the meantime, let's work on justifying their behavior, in hopes that we will be able to hate them a bit less by understanding them. Huge Plate of Desserts, Loaded At Buffet Oh. That's where it all went. Yes. I'm resentful. They took it all. Yes. There's no more mousse for you. You must understand. They're thinking about the rest of their table. They're loading up for all the other people at their table, who don't realize they can get up and pick out their own Danish. That's what they told me, when I saw the huge pile of rugulach and a plastic bag in their pocket. 'It's for the table.' And why should their friends have to get up to pick out their food? You don't put on weight like that. What would be the point of the buffet then? This is why you don't spend Pesach at a hotel, with the community. Forget about Bar Mitzvahs. At Simchas, I don't even try to get the chocolate balls on a stick. One table has them all. Their Siddur in Your Neck at Shul They didn’t think that putting the prayer book on your chair would be felt by you, when you sat. Sticking the hardcover into your neck. Flipping the pages and your hair. Pushing the Siddur forward and back while they sway. Why they leave it there, after you give a half-back-neck-turn look is beyond me. The half-back-neck-turn look is a clear admonition. They must have a reason for not caring about you. For Shalom, peace amongst Jews, I once took the Siddur and smacked them. Education. People hated them less after I smacked them with their Siddur. I do what I can to bring Shalom. Inching Their Plastic Chair Back in Shul The shul is too poor to afford space and decent chairs. There's no other way to make room for yourself. They have to push their chair into you, to make room for their Amidah (silent prayer). There isn't enough room for everybody to take three steps back in the section. Do you want them spending half hour piling up the chairs? Do you want to have to be part of an interior design team, figuring out building plans in the middle of prayers, so that the whole section can do the Amidah? As long as it's subtle, they're giving you a chance to not assume that they're moving their chair into you. People that Still Get on My Back About COVID I am sorry if I can't not shake people's hands and hug them. I am sorry if I still can't figure out what six feet is. I am sorry if you have to see my face. I hope that doesn't make me evil. But you've really got to calm down. You're making shul a really annoying place to be, with no membership. You can't get a Minyin if people aren't allowed to come. I'm not a scholar, but I figured that out myself. You have to understand them. Maybe they're worried that you might be a republican. People Who Don't Share Your Political Views Without them, you couldn't hate anybody. Without them, you couldn't call anybody a fool. Without them, you'd have nothing to post. These are people you should love. People Who Say ‘I am Offended’ Everybody in shul is offended now. See 'People Who Don't Share Your Political Views.' I think I offended everybody this year. They were offended by my political beliefs, even though I didn't share my views. Something about the way I look says that I disagree with stupid. And that offends people. Maybe they weren't educated. Wouldn't you be offended if you tried sharing a thought that made no sense? Wouldn't you be offended if you sponsored a Kiddish and David came to tell you that you shouldn't have purchased eight pounds of Kichel? Doesn’t Move Away from the Kiddush Table If they moved away from the table, then you might get to the choolante too. You would do the same thing if you got the spot. Any Member of the Community Hate them. You're going to hate them. Just find a decent reason, so it's not baseless. Maybe they were called up to open the ark, when you should've been. That's a reason to hate. As long as you're at shul, you're trying. Person Screaming at the Person Reading the Torah Maybe if the guy gets yelled at and reprimanded, he will prepare more next time. More people should be screaming at the Torah readers. Guy Messing Up the Torah Reading Pelt him. Sorry. I can't find it in me to love him. He's slowing down the services and more time in shul causes more hatred. This is probably what happened at the end of the Second Temple period. The Levites were adding on songs, people were spending extra hours at the sacrifices, and fights broke out because the Gabai messed up whose lamb should be next. Woman with Huge Hats at Shul Maybe she's worried about the sun coming inside. It's hard to not hate these people. I'm trying real hard. And there are more people to hate. It might be jealousy of the people with the huge plate of rugulach and Danish. And jealousy is also forbidden. But we must do what we can to not hate, even if we're stuck with the Kichel. Please know that all of these people deserve to be hated. They're the reason that we haven't witnessed the building of the Third Temple. Even so, let's do our part during this time of the Three Weeks, when we mourn the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples, and give them a chance to explain themselves. Try not to hate them, so we can bring them closer to normal. Try. And remember, as long as your hatred is baseful, it's fine. I am trying. I am trying to help bring redemption here. In the spirit of the Three Weeks and Shalom, may we witness a redemption without these annoying people. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Jewish summer camp is one of the cornerstones of the Jewish experience. Summer camp helped form me into the Jew I am today, and taught me that we Jews don’t play regular sports. We played sports, but they were different. I know this, because I was watching the summer Olympics, and I didn't see anybody competing in bottle cap hockey or paper football.
Here are a few of the special sports that I remember playing as a youth in summer camp, Jewish day school and shul: Newcomb The most serious game we played at Jewish summer camp. It's similar to volleyball, but you can catch the ball. It's like competitive toss. Some people took the game to the next level by throwing the ball over the net and not looking at the exact spot they were tossing it. That's what the real athletes do. Some children wanted to play volleyball, but that caused a big raucous. It was too complicated. And it was too dangerous. Too many children were getting hurt by the ball that was being hit to their side. When they noticed how bad the kids were at catching the volleyball, they made a sport of it. At camp, they made sure that every young Jewish child felt like an athlete. And for that, I thank them for helping me realize how important it was to focus on my studies. Bottle Cap Hockey The number one game played during free hour. I was quite a competitor. Free hour was quiet time, so we had to stay near the bunk and play sports that wouldn’t make noise, until we got excited. Excitement is too loud for rest hour. Excitement is hitting a bottle cap the length of the table all the way to the other guy’s hand. That is a reason to cheer. When it came to hitting a bottle cap between the opponent’s pinky and pointer finger, there were not many as agile as I. I don't mean to show off, but I was good. Paper Football Another sport that I played with a mastery and finesse that could only be displayed by one who did not run track. We would fold a paper towel into a triangle, and then take part in the art of causing that paper towel to land on the end of the table. The greatest reward I've ever experienced. Other than skimming the top layer of the baked mac and cheese. After landing the paper football on the end of the table, we'd flick it through a field goal made out of pointer fingers, and then lose the paper. Without pointer fingers, we would have been at a loss for free hour sports. We played paper football when drought hit the camp, and bottles were hard to come by. I was an avid paper football player the whole year round, as I also played it every Shabbat of my childhood, in shul. I had to do something in shul. My dad was making me go anyways. So, I figured I would use my time in synagogue for something productive. The young Jewish athletes we were, we did play tackle paper football once. That turned into a fight. We forgot about the game and started a brawl. If you cannot find the paper football, tackling a friend in the middle of services is frowned upon. As I learned later on, the only hostile sentiments allowed in shul are those for the rabbi. Color War Cheering is the sport. Cheering and prejudice against other colors is the competition. There's nothing like this in sports, where excitement is the activity. Three days of excitement and hatred of your fellow bunkmate. Running is also a form of excitement. Which is why we double the excitement with races during color war. This makes for the climax of color war, where the eight-year-olds run and have no idea what to do with the baton. The uncoordinated running, as a race, is exciting. You add cheers and hatred of your fellow Jew, and it's the climax of all Jewish summer sports events. Floor Hockey This is the most serious of Jewish games, as we weren't coordinated enough to play hockey on ice. We played as if we were going to be professional floor hockey players. The benefit of playing on the floor is that when the fight breaks out, you are able to push off your feet, allowing for a more powerful punch. We played hockey with a ball. A puck would have changed the makeup of the sport. That was how we figured out what sports we could play. We were allowed to play any sport, but we were not allowed to use the allotted equipment for the sport. We played hockey without a puck. We used a ball or bottle caps. We played football with a paper towel. We played basketball with a spoon wedged into wood. Volleyball and soccer (football in every other country outside of America) were the only games that we played with the correct gear. However, it was newcomb and crab soccer. Soccer was allowed, but only while leaning back, on our palms, on all fours, moving on the ground like a crab. This was to remind us that we had no chance of competing professionally. And to remind us that we look like fools when we exercise. To quote Richard: Judaism has lots of rules. When it comes to sports, we don’t like following them. To this day, floor hockey is the number one sport played in the New York Yeshiva league, keeping hockey on the parquet. Machanayim- Dodgeball The idea behind this game was to try your hardest to hurt other children. The sport is played with the hardest flexible ball known to man, squeezable enough so that when it hits you the rubber is able to stick to your face for an extra second. This allows for the enhanced burning sensation of skin being removed from your skull. Rules: You get hit, you are out. You suffered enough, you don't have to play anymore. If you catch it and risk yourself, you are rewarded for your effort and extreme pain, and the other person is out. Dodgeball was never on the schedule. Nonetheless, the counselors would implement a game whenever we did not clean the bunk well enough. Gaga Again, the objective is to not get hit. Similar to dodgeball, the difference is that you cannot hold the ball in gaga, you have to whack it. Whack it as hard as you can at other children. You whack the ball with your fist, so that it moves faster and hurts more. We weren't an athletic bunch, but the sports staff realized that if our lives were at stake, we would run. Even the kids with asthma. That is what happens when fifteen-year-old boys make up sports. Violence, and kids crying and running away as fast as they can. The most similar game to this is skirmish (paintball) without protective gear. Due to lack of coordination, many children ended up in the infirmary. Capture the Flag Another sport where you try to run away. The idea is to get very nervous and run a lot. That is the idea of most Jewish sports. You run away from stuff that is trying to catch you or hit you, and you work up your heart rate with an anxiety attack. Torah Baseball I have a feeling that the camp rabbis were baiting us into learning Torah. I never hit a homerun, but I did know Rashi’s commentary on the Red Heifer, and that was a grand slam to my rabbi. I am convinced that wasn’t a real sport. But I was good and they did call it baseball. That did work for me. And I did sweat when they called on me to answer the question. Thinking back, they should've just told us we weren't athletes and showed us movies. What Jewish Sports Mean I loved these sports. It is a shame they don't have a Torah-Bee, more nontechnical sports focused on injuring people, or sports that you can play while eating lunch at a picnic table, in the Olympics. If gaga was a professional sport, I would be an athlete. If soccer was a sport played with people on all fours, looking like crabs, I would be a person the children looked up to. If I was allowed to catch the volleyball, I could have represented Israel in international competition. But I will tell you this. I still play paper football, and there is no greater feeling of achievement in sports then when you see a folded paper towel land on the end of a table. That is the sense of accomplishment felt in Jewish competition. And that is what brings so many of our children Jewish pride at summer camp. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Independence Day is upon us in North America and it's time to think about what that means to us as Jews. Other than complaining about the government and our friends who share their thoughts, what is there to love about American independence? Whether you're Canadian or American, your freedom is here. Let's see what America has given the Jews.
Jewish Culture and Tradition That means an Eastern European accent. I've never met an old British Jew who didn't sound like they were from Britain. American Jews who moved from Europe, sound like they're from Poland. That's Jewish. Sounding like you're speaking Yiddish is Jewish. The old American Ashkenazik Jew is always speaking Yiddish, even when they're talking in English. Either that or I just can't understand a thing they say. A Place to Live Where were we going to go? We got kicked out of every other country. Were we going to go back to Italy? If America didn't have independence, the Europeans would've kicked us out of America too. Brooklyn Brooklyn, the land of the Jewish people, is thanks to America. Brooklyn has it all. Eichler's bookstore, where Judaica emanates from, and nobody is shocked when people buy CDs. They gave us Avenue J pizza shops and shawarma places. Thanks to Brooklyn, you can have an Israeli experience, and never have to go to Israel. There's Thirteenth Avenue, just one of the many streets we claimed as Jewish. I would've mentioned The Lower East Side, but I forgot about it. Like all Jews, I forgot about it. Until I need pickles, The Lower East Side is not in my memory. Even Kiryas Joel, is thanks to America. Kiryas Joel would never exist in Israel. There is no way that many Satmar Chasidim would make Aliyah on purpose. Florida Before Florida, Jews thought they were supposed to move to Israel to connect with their people. The Mountains Where do you go to see Brooklyn during the summer? The Mountains. The Catskills, again all thanks to America. The great hotels and the bungalows. The Mountains is the Jewish American summer experience. It would be Florida, but Jews like to shvitz inside. In the shvitz. Shvitzing outside is for athletes. Thanks to American independence, the only colony Jews know is a bungalow. Freedom of Speech America allows you to say whatever you want, until people disagree with you and take away your job. Or, until there's an anti-Semite. Other than being attacked for talking, America allows you to say what you want. We can even complain. The backbone of Jewish community is found in our freedom of speech. If complaining didn't exist, we wouldn't have shul or a board. If we didn't have freedom to complain, what would we say about the rabbi? Politics You can hate your government and live there. It gives us a reason for freedom of speech, other than the rabbi. It's such a gift that our country has given us a reason to hate other people. And then to be able to talk about it. Nothing is better. And then, to be able to say 'I'm offended.' It's all such a joy. Entertainment Hollywood with British accents wouldn't work. The only movies I don't have to watch with subtitles is thanks to America. When a British person talks, I need subtitles. I can't understand a word they're saying. They might as well be speaking Yiddish. I still haven't watched Shtisel, because the Israelis don't have an American accent. And Sports. Is there anything better than American sports, allowing our Jewish children to get involved and own something?! Country Clubs Americans have banned Jews from so many places. The country club that bans Jews is such a joy. There's no better place for a Jew to go to enjoy themselves. Summer Camps No other country offers parents a way to get rid of their children for two months, other than the army. The summer camp experience has brought so much happiness to Jewish parents. We have America to thank for that. Not having kids around is the independence we're truly celebrating on July 4th. Kosher Food You can travel in America and find Kosher food. It's easier to tell what's kosher, when it's written on the package. Ever tried traveling in England? You have to guess if it's kosher. You see a product in Britain and you take a stab at it. You don't make a blessing. You open the package, you take a bite and pray that God doesn't kill you. In America you don't have to guess if you're going to Gehenim. Now they have a British app to tell you what's Kosher, if you can find anything on there. You go to England and hang out at the entrance to the grocery, where they have reception, and try to do a search for kosher products. Then you go down the aisles and forget if it's kosher. And then you go to hell because of the app. Pizza We wouldn't have pizza. That comes from New York. Monster Truck Rallies In American, it's clear to the Jewish people where they shouldn't be. You don't go to monster truck rallies, rodeos or WWE. America is not Britain. America gave us that. Happy July 4th and Canada Day. Just be happy we're Jews and we're not in Europe. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I have never celebrated so many people accomplishing nothing. Nonetheless, it's time to celebrate. And I have to say 'Mazel Tov.' Here are three graduations I just witnessed, that made no sense.
Nursery School Graduation A graduation celebrated with little kids singing and screaming the 'Hatikva' at the same time. Parents sit and watch this spectacle of their tone-deaf child, while trying to figure out if they will also not be smart when they grow up too. Cute to everybody else, this pathetic display hits its climax when your child, Sara, ends up giving up on her own graduation and sitting on your lap. At which point, you have to carry Sara back to her seat and put the paper circle hat back on her head. Part of this festivity is you having to muster up the Nachis for your graduating child while sitting up there with Sara and the other four-year-olds, singing 'The Ants Go Marching One By One.' Don’t acknowledge the other parents who think their kids are smart, because they were able to find their seats with their pictures on it. Nursery School non-Graduation This is to celebrate your narcissistic three-year-old who isn't graduating and doesn’t have the ability to share in other kids’ happiness. Between us, their face was not on the seat. They just took it. The other kids finished nursery school and deserve a celebration, as they are now ready to take on life with their ability to share LEGOs. LEGOs that are 280 times the size of a normal LEGO. The LEGOs were brought up at the inspirational Nursery Commencement Speech. That's how I know about the LEGO and their importance in a child's development of climbing stuff. We add your three-year-old into the graduation party by cutting out a paper and making a circle out of it, and then stapling it. The cut paper circle hat demarks all celebrations for children, until they reach fourth grade. At which point they show up to everything in shorts. Kindergarten Graduation Celebrate this kid finishing kindergarten by handing them a diploma they can’t read. This time the official diploma has a little Hebrew on it, that you also can’t read. I don’t know if you can consider a graduation official, if the graduate can’t read their own diploma. Nonetheless, there's nachis to be had, as your child Aced naptime. Again, this graduation is celebrated with singing and screaming the 'Hatikva,' and a stapled paper circle strip. To the little ones, enjoy it. Nobody will care about you after third grade. To you, my friend, just say 'Mazel Tov' to these people. The parents need to hear it. For support. And take pictures. It's cute to see the kids thinking they did something, thinking it's normal to put a paper circle on your head. Until you're eight, it's normal. What's not normal is the guy with the guitar. It's creepy. We're still asking why the guy with the guitar is there, wearing shorts. He might be preparing for summer camp. We have no idea how he became part of the graduation. Whatever you're celebrating, make it a real Simcha by cutting a paper and making a circle out of it, stapling it and putting it on your head. Next time, we shall discuss every other graduation, guised as a celebration, recital or fair. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Shabbat Dinner: How To Cook6/15/2022
Hosting a Shabbat dinner is not easy, especially when you live in a bigger city and people say 'yes' when you invite them. Single people live in big cities as well, playing the odds that they will somehow end up at a Shabbat meal with their Bashert, intended spouse, right there. Hence, I will focus on feeding single people as well, when thinking about amounts, as they will show up even if you didn't invite them. So, be prepared for them.
You already know there is going to be a lot of people or leftovers. So, cook a lot. With that said, here is some cooking advice. Cook Something Decent You have to cook. That's all people will be talking about. Nobody cares about your kid graduating high school. They don't care. They're there for the food. That's what they're focused on. If your child graduated culinary arts college, that would be a discussion. You don't want somebody tasting your Kugel and saying, 'Wow. This is really good. How did you make it?' And then you have to answer them with, 'I don't know. I'll have to ask Manischewitz.' Using the mixes is fine. Everybody that makes Matzah ball soup and split pea soup, we know where you got it. They all lie. 'Family recipe'??? The family recipe of Manischewitz. The point is that you've got to put a spin on it. Cook the Manischewitz and add garlic. Then you can say, 'A dab of garlic.' Cook A Lot More important than what you're serving is how much. A lot is the goal. There is no greater compliment than 'they had a lot of food.' That says it all. It makes no difference how many people are coming. The more you have on that table the more religious you are. That's the equation which determines the good religious Frum Jew. Ten pots and four tin trays on the table, you're a righteous family with a place in heaven. One pot and no tins, you're a heretic and nobody is eating off your dishware. Small plate on a bigger plate, you're a heretic. Everything should be served on the bigger plates, with bigger forks. That's the only way you can feed people correctly on Shabbat. Soup spoon? Ladle. The real goal is leftovers. If you have no leftovers, you've failed your guests. You've also failed your family and God. Your kids will starve, as Frum people don't cook during the week. As a Frum Jew, you cook for Shabbis and leftovers. Remember to have one decent dish. As long as you have one decent dish, mixed in the fourteen trays and pans, you're good to go. If they see a lot, that's what's important. They gravitate to that one dish and they still see a lot. Win win. Overcook That seems to have developed into a religious cooking style. You don't look at the choolante when you let it cook for twenty hours, so don't check the kugel, meat or rice. If it gets real bad, the smoke detector will catch it. Until choolante, I didn't realize that you can burn something when cooking it on low. As I've learned, the best policy is to use a crockpot. This way, you can overcook the food, and it's still edible and juicy, and burnt. Make a Salad If they're not religious, they will enjoy this. Frum Jews stick to cooked brown stuff. Non-religious people like salads. If you're stuck with the non-religious people, you can tell them the Tzimis is a religious salad. You can also tell them the Kugel is a quiche. Heretics love quiche. Scream At the Kids When preparing the food, yell at the children. That is the only Shabbat preparation tradition that is practiced by all Jews, no matter their denomination. Make sure they clean the floors. Scream at them for that, even if they're scrubbing well. Yell at them for not showering at the right time. And scream at them when making the soup. It helps with the cooking process. Use Tin Tin pans. Use them for everything. As a religious community we've gotten to the point of not using other dishware. We even have a tin pan holder contraption, to make a tin pan as classy as it can get. You drop that tin pan into metal wire. Class. This way you look like a mensch for the guests. From the oven to the table. That's how you serve. They'll notice that you're serving out of a tin pan, and they will respect your commitment to tradition. However, add the metal wire holder, and you're a classy person that cares about their ancestors. No Potluck Singles do that. It looks pathetic and it is not fun being a guest. you don't invite guests to bring the food to the meal you invited them to. You might as well ask them to eat at their place. It's pathetic. You might as well tell them you that you trust their standard of Kashrut, and you're not religious. If a guest brings something, like a cake they baked, and you want to show you're Frum, take their cake and trash it. Truth is, they probably brought the cake to test you. To see if you are religious or not. They will respect you for throwing their cake out. When all is said and done, it's time to put the tin pans in the fridge. Now, the kids have food for the week. If we haven't learned anything, food should never leave the tins. They should only be covered in tinfoil. And remember to scream at the kids while cooking. It's very important to yell at the children to fulfil the tradition. What to cook? We'll deal with that next time. For now. Just know that it has to be a lot. A lot and in tins. And a salad, just in case a heretic shows up. Baby steps in your religious growth. Next time we shall discuss different Shabbat food groups and take out. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Last year we talked of ways to stay awake through eating, walking and showing up to Shiur late. As we learned from years past, showing up to any class on time will induce sleep. Many of you may have also figured out that once your body gets used to any form of awakeness, you become immune to it. Hence, sleepwalking.
So, I bring you new ways to stay up this Shavuot. Bring Your Children They keep you up when you're trying to sleep on Shabbat afternoon. You might as well use them properly. If you have a newborn, bring them along as well. When you're about to fall asleep, they'll make sure you don’t. They know what they're doing. Their screaming and crying will also keep the rest of the community awake and not liking you. Better yet, get rid of the family’s supply of Ritalin and everybody will get some sleep next Shabbat. Learn in Chavrusa Form Learning by yourself won't help you stay awake. If you ever heard yourself talk, you would understand. Learning with somebody else, a Chavrusa, will help you stay up. A Chavrusa screaming at you is what you need. Somebody that is vehemently opposed to you. This is why the Beit Midrash (house of Torah study) is very loud, with a lot of arguments. It starts with somebody screaming and then it gets louder with developed animosity. By the time you get to the Pshat, fights are breaking out. It's all done to keep people up. Most Batei Midrash don't allow for spouses to learn together, as they don't want to risk injury. There are a lot of people who are trying to sleep in the Beit Midrash. Once they hear that they're going to start learning a Tosafot, they get tired. It's too much concentration, and the text is very small. Couple that with sleeping in the dorms and you're only going to the Beit Midrash to catch some shuteye. Side Lesson: Don't concentrate on what you're learning this Shavuot. To much focus tires you out. Chavrusa Is a Two Way Street of Insult As a Chavrusa, it's your duty to encourage your Chavrusa to stay up. To help them stay up, you can say stuff like, 'You're a nothing, and the Rambam would agree with that.' That should also help bring them closer to understanding the Mishna Torah. Tell them they're a slacker and they're a failure because they sleep, to add an extra level of hurt. Hurtful statements makes it harder for them to doze. The tradition of yelling at your learning partner is best done with somebody you know, especially a close friend. This way, when you're arguing over Rabba and Rava, you can also bring up how nobody likes them; always a good technique to use when arguing any point, as it will bother them. Board Games Play Jewish oriented games and it's like you are learning Torah. Some great games that I played over Shavuot: Who wants to be a Mitzvahneer? Run for Shabbis. Settlers of Judea Samaria. I was conflicted with Who Wants to Be a Mitzvahneer. I started playing that game for money, then we learned that gambling is forbidden. That killed the fun. Then that led to a theological discussion, as to whether or not it's fine to do Mitzvot for money. More learning, and that wasn't going to help anybody stay up when learning. Run for Shabbis wasn't encouraging for my out of shape Shabbat guests, who like to rest on Shabbat. You also shouldn't be running on Shabbat. You will need a Chavrusa to play most board games. Much suggested over a Sefer. Have a Friend Smack You If you go to the Shiur, there is a good chance you will fall asleep. If somebody is there to smack you, that might keep you up for a few minutes. Your natural instinct will be to hit back, but there's no reason to physically attack the speaker. It will also save you from suffering the greatest form of embarrassment; snoring in public. Remember, you can always ask your Chavrusa to do this for you. They'll be glad to, for the sake of Torah. Wrestling This might look awkward in shul, but it is a communal activity. Everybody wants to see the Gabai and Chazan go at it. I've heard the beedle at our shul talk about taking the cantor out in the middle of one of his long Musaf renditions. Getting body slammed will help wake you up. Better yet, wrestle with your Chavrusa. It's the natural progression. If you have a chance to taunt your Chavrusa with a Macho Man Randy Savage style ‘Oh yeah! Just wait till I gave you my understanding of Tosafot. Pshat. Oh yeah!’ that will help everybody feel like they're ready to receive the Torah. Maybe don't do the Macho Man thing. It's a bit much. Use your judgment. If you full nelson somebody and then powerslam them though, you can do it. If none of that works, sleep. You're tired. If we didn't learn anything, we did learn that the best Chavrusa is someone you disdain. Here's the link to the original ways to stay up on Shavuot night The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, is here and I want to take you to the some of my favorite spots outside the Old City, going towards the entrance of town. I love it all. The history. The immigrants. The movies with Hebrew subtitles. The ancient passport looking thing that pops up at the beginning of the movies. I love it all. In honor of Jerusalem Day, let's connect with some of the places I love in the new Holy City.
Tachana Merkazit Jerusalem is about tradition and that is Jerusalem’s central bus station, the Tachana Merkazit. They have not cleaned it since 1998. You think your favorite store in Israel closed. It's at the Tachana Merkazit; keeping Israeli tradition alive with the chicken-dog hotdog stand and the Tshirt store that sells Tshirts with no thread count. One-time-use only clothing, sold along with disposable plates. The safest place in the city, you'll also notice the extra security setup, to ensure that you miss your bus. Allowing you to enjoy Jerusalem longer. Light Rail I love the new tram and any form of transportation I don’t have to pay for, if I don’t get caught. Shuk Machane Yehuda Prices shouted out loud, I love shopping there. There's no greater feeling than a retailer letting me know what to purchase, by yelling at me. In America, I'm thinking too much, wasting time. I have no idea what vegetable I want. In the Shuk market, they scream at me, I am scared, I buy it. And I'm back home in no time with avocados. Nut Shops Any nut spot. Open nut stands. I'm taking that stuff for free. If you don’t ask, it’s free. There's nothing like the huge peanuts and sunflower seeds. Israel has mastered making sunflower seeds that easily pop out, making for great Shabbat enjoyment. The greatest part of all is that you can spit them out anywhere in the Shuk. Machane Yehuda Bars There's nothing like evening time at Machane Yehuda, when the place turns into one big bar that you're walking through. The only place where it's legal to drink on the street, because the bar is located there. Meah Shearim The streets are thriving. Jewish bookstores are everywhere. I didn’t know so much Judaica could exist. Growing up in Rochester, I thought the glass showcase at the shul was all the Judaica. I didn’t know there was anything more to Jewish art than a Mezuzah in Claymation form. The area is the most lively in the city. Religion in living form. You can feel the hustle, the constant movement, the excitement of people running to find choolent. Choolent twenty-four hours a day. In Meah Shearim, it's Shabbis all week long. It's like Monsey. Pizza Uri Better than Pizza Hut, this place has the ultra-Orthodox Pizza sauce, and they created it. There is nothing like Charedi sauce, and I'm willing to buy pizza to get it. Charedi sauce is a spicy mayonnaise style dunking sauce for the pizza that adds all of the flavor and makes you believe in God. To change Israeli pizza into something that tastes good is a miracle. In addition, Pizza Uri offers separate seating, so I don’t have to worry about spilling the sauce on myself. Amazing. Ben Yehuda A little taste of Israel, if Israelis were American Yeshiva kids. Nothing makes me more excited than walking down a huge sidewalk. Some call it a promenade. I just think of it as a place that cars should not be driving down, because it's illegal. They should have a sign, 'This is a very big sidewalk. We messed up the flow of traffic when we planned this. Don't drive here. Go wait at the light with all the other cars.' Café Rimon Everything else may leave Ben Yehuda, Café Rimon and the one hat store on the top will not. Tradition. The Falafel King I love the name. The sovereignty it claims over its pita. The Shawarma Sultan, The Sabich Ruler, I love restaurants that claim dictatorship. It's still only 10 shekels or so for a falafel, as low prices is how you control the commoners. The Dollar Store I love that all products are five shekels. In The Dollar Store, the dollar went up before the American Dollar Tree ever though to raise the dollar to a buck twenty-five. The Dollar Store gives me hope. That is the best rate you will get. Off The Wall Comedy Theater I perform there. No better time found in all of Jerusalem. Now located at the King Solomon Hotel. The Sidewalks I love it all. I love walking down the sidewalks made of Jerusalem stone, in the spring, when I don’t slip on them. Then, I see the homes made of Jerusalem Stone. I love how our city claimed limestone as ours, scientifically. Yes. I love the whole city. It all looks the same. You love one neighborhood, you love them all. I love anywhere in Jerusalem that has Jerusalem Stone. If there is falafel, there is tradition. To me, that's meaningful. It's the meaning of Jerusalem, the connection with our tradition and Tshirts that come apart when I wash them, that I connect with on Jerusalem Day. I hope that you feel like you're in Jerusalem right now, or Monsey. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album IX5/12/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Pesach and Yahrzeits with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he spent his time eating, and not in shul.
Oleh style is the clothes you made Aliyah in. I know some of these people, and they're still wearing the same shirts fifteen years later. Some of these Olim were planning their Aliyah for many years, as seen by their unwillingness to purchase new clothes since the start of the millennium. To note, as the Nefesh BNefesh shirt is free, that is also part of the Aliyah style. The shofar was purchased in Israel, as it is not an article of clothing or an electronic gadget. Thus, Olim are fine purchasing it in Israel. (Photo: JTA- Brian Hendler)
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Lag BOmer: Why The Bow and Arrow5/11/2022
Last year, we discussed the bonfires. Celebrating the passing of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, the Heelulah, is best done with huge Yahrzeit candles. The bonfire is thus the ultimate Yahrzeit candle, and the number one way to celebrate Lag BOmer, the day of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's passing. It's bigger than a shot glass and it brings more happiness to the celebration of death.
This year, we will focus on the traditions of bows and arrows to commemorate the life of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. There are other dangerous traditions that some have, like singing and haircuts. We will focus on three-year-olds crying another time. No Rainbows Bereishit Rabba (35:2) says that not a single rainbow appeared in the sky during the lifetime of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. Many spiritual artists blamed him for this. Tzfat is the artist capital of Israel and he was living right near it, in Meron, and he killed the multicolored semicircles market. Many spiritual people love the rainbow, and the artists had nothing to go on. Sales went down, as all they had to draw were stuck to still lifes and flowers. Only later on did Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai receive the appreciation he deserved for presenting the Kabbalah to the people, when a whole world of artists would make millions off the ten ten sefirot (emanations of God). They would circle it and sell it. And then they would make thousands more by going to a print shop and printing their art, and selling that too. No rainbow is a good thing. The rainbow is a sign from the times of Noah, that God's won't destroy the world. It was the covenant, and God shows it every time he wants to kill us. Every time somebody gets cut off in traffic by a selfish individual who skipped the off-ramp line, a rainbow appears. A rainbow is thus also a good thing, as I would shoot them. When God wants to destroy the world, now, He shows us a colorful thing in the sky, so that everybody can talk about how great it is. It's on account of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai's (we're going to call him the Rashbi from now on- when you acronymize a name of a rabbi, it shows they're important) merits that H' didn't want to destroy the world during his lifetime. If the world not being destroyed was contingent on the shul president, we would all be goners. Bows Are All The Same The Hebrew word for rainbow is 'Keshet,' which also means bow. As the shooting of an arrow represents a rainbow with no colors, there is a tradition for the children to go out and play with bows and arrows, to add to the danger of uncontained fires. Side note: You can also give them plastic bags to throw in the fire. Why not have people play a violin? You don't shoot a violin bow. We also don't go to McDonald's, even though they have arches which are like a yellow rainbow, because it's not kosher. We also don't eat Lucky Charms, even with their rainbow, because they're not kosher, and it's really hard to injure somebody with them. You’ve got to take that sugar rainbow and poke them real hard for them to even feel a pinch. Ideas for Childhood Danger As the main focus of the holiday is about safety hazards, here are more ways to celebrate the Heelulah of the Rashbi: Stick a Lego in the middle of the floor and have them step on it. Allow them to leave their toys out, and then run around. Maybe it will give them a chance to step on the figurines this time. Let them go to the jungle gym attended. Something will happen. Have them eat with their mouths open. Let them build ramps. If they shoot off a ramp with a bike, that can look like a rainbow while they're hurting themselves. Let them give each other haircuts. The larger the sizzers, the more of a chance for danger. Give them matches. Even without a bonfire, there's a good chance they'll do something unsafe. Whatever activity you choose, be sure to leave your children unattended. Even without an an activity, they will find something to do that's not suggested. The children in my neighborhood were running around the fire and throwing stuff at it. That was a great way to celebrate the day. Though, it would've been more fitting to shoot arrows at the fire. Just remember, even without bows and arrows, you can recreate a safety hazard in the middle of your home by letting your children do what they want. Countries Where You Can't Shoot Bows and Arrows on the Street If you cannot make it to Israel, where Jewish children are free and allowed to carry weapons on Lag BOmer, I suggest that your children do not run around the streets with bows and arrows. Walking the streets of your city armed might not be legal. It also might not be legal to leave your children with uncontained fires. If you're worried about the cops, the children should use the bows and arrows in the house. That's dangerous too. They might have already ransacked the home for their bonfire, so you don't have to worry about anything breaking. In countries where weapons are illegal in public, I would also suggest celebrating this aspect of the Heelulah of the Rashbi (Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai) by making it more of a ribbon type of bow. Celebrate the rainbows by tying bows and ribbons. Maybe even send the bows to people in your neighborhood who are bad Jews, to let them know about the tradition, with a note telling them that they're the reason we see rainbows. If you're living in a dangerous country, with a lot of anti-Semitism, I would suggest the kids celebrate by shooting arrows at people. A better way to celebrate the holiday would be to leave. Take Away The most practical way to celebrate the Rashbi is to give the children a bow and arrow. The idea is a dangerous rainbow, because H' didn't destroy us. And make sure they're doing it near a fire. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Some of these Olim were planning their Aliyah for many years. A few of them have not purchased new shirts since the start of the millennium. To note, as the Nefesh BNefesh shirt is free, that is also part of the Aliyah style. The shofar was purchased in Israel, as it is not an article of clothing or an electronic gadget. (Photo: JTA- Brian Hendler)
Yom HaAtzmaut got me thinking of all the great people who moved to Israel, making Aliyah. One thing all who make Aliyah have in common is that their style ends once they make the move. You can tell somebody’s year of Aliyah by the clothes they wear.
You make Aliyah and your wardrobe is set. And there are reasons. Style stops when you are not willing to pay more than 35 American Dollars for a new pair of pants; especially when they're wrinkle touch and you have to iron. They might sell it in Israel, but I don't buy anything when I can get it cheaper in America. That is my motto, and I have held onto it since I moved to Israel. I have not purchased anything inedible in Israel, since my Aliyah. I'm surprised that I have even purchased dinner a few times. Even so, Olim have to eat, and perishables can go bad, even when Amazon ships it. All of that said, even if they were cheap, I still wouldn't buy new clothes. Style is what I made Aliyah with, and it looks good. Us American Olim have a warped sense of this American style we hold so dear. And that style is at a permanent place in time, from the eternal day that we made Aliyah. The day where America was perfect and people had personalities. A time where we couldn't stream our favorite sitcom. A time when Marshalls and Kohl's were a place I could be proud to shop at. A time when one could be proud to flash a 20% off coupon. A time where I could ask for an extra discount at the desk, and get another two dollars off the sales price. Do mis-stitches not exist anymore at Marshalls? A time when Land's End and Geoffrey Beene did free exchanges. No questions. The time when I stopped buying clothes. To us Olim, the lifetime guarantee means we wear it the rest of our lives. Some say a lifetime guarantee does not mean fashion. They never made Aliyah. And I must say, I feel good wearing my pleats. Here are ways I've learned to tell the immigrant time period. Immigrant by Clothes Walk the streets of Israel and you can tell when the Oleh left America:
Next time we will delve deeper into the topic of clothes and the reasons for Aliyah suits, as well as clothes that fit vs new styles. As the manifesto continues, we will also discuss what an immigrant does on their visit to America, when they're tempted to purchase clothes. Aliyah hairstyles can be cross-generational, as long as you don't have bangs. Whatever you do, embrace your Aliyah and wear the clothes you loved in your early twenties. Until they make Aliyah rings, that is your only way to identify with your Aliyah class. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Israel's Independence Day is here, and you're thinking about how to celebrate. That's what good Jews do. They think about what to do for a holiday. You have that love of Israel and love vacationing at the Dead Sea. How can you share in the celebration?
There are many ways to celebrate as an Israeli. Last year, we focused on the Mangal, known as the Israeli BBQ that comes in tiny matchbox form. You walked away from last Yom HaAtzmaut hungry, due to the size of the grates and your solidarity with the tininess of Israel. This year, we will focus on other ways to celebrate the Chag. Salt Water You just dunked your food in it, for Pesach. Now, dunk your body in it. Pour salt in your bathtub, to share in the Dead Sea experience. Better yet, pour salt straight on your wound, and you will feel like you were there. If you had canker sores at the Seder, you have already shown your commitment to the Holy Land. Go to the Park The tradition is to go to the park, see there are no spots for your Mangal, and then to go back to your house. Play Football on a Basketball Court Whatever you call it, you'll see this at the park in Israel. A soccer pitch on a basketball court. I'm still trying to figure out why every basketball court in Israel has football goals. Maybe there are extra points if the ball goes through the hoop and then into the goal. Take your soccer ball and start kicking it in the middle of a basketball game, and you will bring a Yom HaAtzmaut experience to all on that court. If a fight starts, you will enjoy the full Israel experience of athletics. Skip Work No Israeli goes to work on Yom HaAtzmaut, or Wednesdays. Not working is a tradition in the Holy Land, as we have belief (Emunah). As Rabbi Chanina teaches (Berachot 33b), 'Everything is in the hands of God.' People who don't believe that, work. And all employees at the post office have a strong connection with the Lord. Wave Israeli Flags Flag waving is a huge part of the holiday in Israel. Wave the flag with pride and make your good morning greeting political. If you live outside of Israel, buy an Israeli flag for your car and hang it out of your window. You will know you're celebrating correctly if you get beeped at. If people stop yelling at you in disgust, check to make sure your flag is still there. If you're worried about being attacked, and have not been showing up to your self-defence Krav Maga lessons, join a parade. There's safety in numbers. There is a reason why thousands of people meet up on the streets of New York to show their support of Israel. It's for safety. Sit in Traffic You can connect with the day of no work in the country, the inter-city travel of every citizen and the parades, by finding the longest traffic light in your city at rush-hour. Go a step further by stopping your car and causing traffic yourself. This will encourage other people to beep, making you feel like you are in Israel proper. Israeli Dancing The hop, skip, twirl, arm raise, reverse hop, skip, twirl, arm raise. There is nothing like it. Nothing says love of Israel more than doing your dance, and then skipping right back to your original position. Do that with a circle, and you have community. Join towns and cities all over Israel and skip to a Hebrew you song. Better yet, hop and twirl with your supinated arm raise to a Spanish song. Spanish is how Israelis celebrate their independence. For A Relaxing Yom HaAtzmaut- Leave your Kids at Home I've seen way too many soccer balls, from basketball games, land in BBQs for any parent to enjoy their holiday. And I've never seen a parent smile when serving their child a $22 steak. If you make a mistake and bring your children along to the park, distance yourself from them. However, be responsible and keep them within eyeshot. You might want to bring something with a scope on it, to show you're a responsible parent. Shpritz People With Stuff Getting hit by shaving cream is my tradition. If I remember correctly, I spent many Yom HaAtzmaut wearing a decent shirt, getting sprayed with shaving cream and yelling at kids. Shpritzing people seems to be fun for the kids of Israel, and not very fun for the grownups who get hit by it. How the children all have shaving cream has something to do with how quickly the people of the Middle East hit puberty. I saw one kindergartener in Israel with a beard. He might have got left back. However, he was tiny and still couldn't trace an Aleph very well. The real tradition accepted by all is to yell at the kids. Say Hallel If you're a heretic, like myself, you do this. Praising God is the least religious thing you can do on the Holiday. The religious people will explain this. Vote Vote Day is the only day more joyous on the Israeli calendar than Yom HaAtzmaut, as it shows Israeli pride, independence, and it's a day off of work. The only problem is that everything is closed on Vote Day, because those people have off work too. Anyhow, celebrate it. Israelis love Vote Day, which is why we do it so much. Eat Falafel Falafel is the American way to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut, so they can feel like they're in Israel. Israelis celebrate with a BBQ, so they can feel like they're not in Israel. It's a vacation day. Note: Not all falafel is Israeli falafel. As an American-Israeli, I've had the Yom HaAtzmaut US falafel, and it helped me fulfil the Israeli tradition of feeling like I am not in Israel. If you follow through with these suggestions and do it at the park, you will have a very Israeli Yom HaAtzmaut. As long as you Mangal, and show your independence through dead animals on a tiny grill. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The ten plagues weren't just dangerous. They were annoying. They can kill your day. As fun as puppets, Styrofoam balls and plastic jumping animals are, plagues can kill a good time. Let's talk about them.
Blood Hemoglobin can kill a decent dinner. There's a reason for the Kosher laws of drawing the blood out of meat. Even red food-coloring is scary. I don't eat red cake. Due to plagues, I've never touched a red velvet. You think you're drinking bug juice and all the sudden it's salty. You can't play sports like that. What happened to the Gatorade? Now you're a cannibal with unclenched thirst. I can't drink red stuff. Even grape juice out of a cup, looks messed up. When I dunk it on the plate with my pinky, I wouldn't eat that. On the plate, that looks like blood. A very clear watery purple blood. Even before I drop some of that salt water on the plate, I've got to clear the grape juice. Frogs Ever had a fly buzzing around you? It's annoying. Now you have frogs jumping all around you. It's the nature guy's dream. But, you can't enjoy a decent soup like that. Just at the Seder. I can't enjoy the Seder with my nephews around, playing with plastic frogs. They always ends up in my matzah ball soup. I feel like my bowl is the target. Everytime, I lose a crouton or two. Lice If you went to my school growing up, you would understand. The worst part of lice is that you have no friends. When they checked for lice, and they caught it, that was quarantine time. You stayed away from Shmuel. Shmuel always had lice and nobody seemed to like him. It was the plague of no friends. Wild Animals or Flies If it was flies, those can also kill a good time. Just flying near your ears, you want to smack them. And now they're swarms. You end up hitting yourself. Imagine Sukkot with no sticky tape for the Sukkah. You've got honey around and flies. And now, you don't even know where the honey is and your Sukkot is ruined. Most rabbis agree it was wild animals, as they disagree with the cartoons. You can't enjoy a Sukkah dinner with wolves running around either. Even racoons have the whole family running into the house. Either way, your Sikkot is ruined. Livestock Pestilence Cows doing whatever they want. They've got delirium. Not good. It's impossible to milk them. You've got to chase them. You catch them and now they're disobedient. They're telling you, 'I'm neighing today. No more moos for you.' That's what delirium does. Next thing you know, they think they're bees. 'I'm not making milk. It's honey today.' Pestilence will kill your breakfast. Boils Ever had boils? Disgustingly bad pimples. You can't go out with those things. You show up to a Simcha with boils and you're not getting a Shidduch. When it comes to matchmakers, boils work more against you than age. You pop one, that can take out a bathroom mirror and the sink. Those things are embarrassing. They can get huge. You're asking, 'Where did this limb come from?' Embarrassing. Hail I think we can all agree we'd rather just get snow. That stuff kills the cars. Ever go out without a hat or a hood with hail? It's a plague. Add fire to the hail, it's a bad plague. If you don't freeze to death, you get burnt. Painful. And your car is done for. Locusts They're cute outside, but once they go into your living-room, it's messed up. You think these mess up your field? They truly kill a good BBQ. They don't make the plastic locust jumpers, because that would be a letdown. If you've ever seen how little height you get out of that rectangular plastic frog tail, you would understand. It's an embarrassment. Darkness You would understand this if your neighbors were also too cheap to pay for street lamps, and then refused to put on their porch lights. Only positive about darkness is you can't see the boils. Killing of The Firstborn This is apparently not good. Just remember the blood on the doorpost trick. I think we can all agree, pestilence makes for a really bad day. If I had flies hovering around my steak, I would've let the people go. I don't want any plagues in my mouth. Next time there are plagues, stay home and put blood on your door. That will keep the people out. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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That Seder started in the 1970s. That's how long a Seder can take when everybody shares their thoughts about the four sons. (Photo: Ted Spiegel - Ted’s probably getting Karet for this picture, unless if they started the Seder a day early to fulfill the family's hankering for Matazh)
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11/9/2022
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