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As Valentine's Day is not a Jewish holiday, it gets me thinking about bad dates I've been on. We all have our stories, and most women have theirs about me. Here are a bunch of mine, not including every Shidduch date, blind date, I have ever been on.
The Time She Decided to Be Shomeret Negiah
I didn't enjoy that date very much.
She decided she wanted to be Shomeret Negiah with me. She decided to start with me. Just with me. She said, 'I want to be Shomeret Negiah. I want to stop touching guys starting now. With you. With other guys, I touched them. We did everything. But I want this to be a meaningful relationship. So, I don't want to touch you.' It was at that moment, I decided I wanted a non-meaningful relationship. She ended that statement with 'and you never touch me!'
Second date, I asked her to marry me. She wanted to know why and I told her, 'Because I want to touch you!' I felt left out. Every other guy did.
Rejected from Blind Date Shidduch
She was not attracted to the thought of me. That hurt.
That was either the next level of Shomer Negiahness or COVID.
That girl got mad at me because I wanted to see her in person. She claimed that I was crude and didn't understand the ways of the world. She wanted to report me to the Shadchan.
I tried reasoning that it's hard to have an intimate 2D relationship. That got her angrier. She didn't like guys that were not in flat screen form. She even got mad when I sent her a set of red and blue white cardboard glasses. She refused to see guys in 3D form. She said it makes her dizzy.
I was bothered, as I had no idea how to form a relationship with somebody I can't see. How do we go out?! How do you eat together online?! She put up a park with blanket laid out on her green screen. Next thing I know, she's sitting on her basement floor with a picnic basket. Then, I see a car moving on her green screen with her sitting in it. She wanted to give it the full effect of us going out on a date. She even photo-shopped my face into the guy driving.
She wanted virtual kids, and developing this relationship was virtually impossible.
Girl Who Called Me Cheap
I took her to Black Burger. How is that cheap?!!! Eighteen dollars a hamburger. Big one is twenty-five dollars. You can't call me cheap.
I asked about the sign. That's when she called me cheap. Cheap for asking a question about a sign that had 'sale' plastered on it. I would think they would want people to ask about it. You'd have to be a fool not to.
I had some questions. Here are a few of them: Is that burger really twenty-five dollars? Does that come with another burger? Are you sure it's a burger? Is the burger a ribeye? You sure it's a burger? Is she supposed to pay for her burger?
Next date, I showed up with coupons. Twenty-five dollars?!! How can you not pull out a coupon?! Yes. I am still stuck on twenty-five dollars a burger. If we were married, I would be bringing the twenty-five dollars up every day. If she ever complained about rent, I would bring up the twenty-five dollars. 'We sending the kids to Jewish day school?' 'I spent twenty-five dollars on a hamburger.'
Girl I Forgot I Dated
That was awkward. She thought I wanted to give it a second chance. I just forgot how bad the first time was. Personally, I have a tendency of forgetting traumatic experiences. Traumatic experiences would be every Shidduch date I have been on.
The JDate Date
I thought she was Jewish.
She said she was a lover of Jews. Israel can use more supporters. And JDate is doing a great job of encouraging that.
Next time I'm looking to date a Jewish girl, I'll check out muslimpersonals.com.
I called, I hear a kid crying. Then I hear another kid crying. I am on the other side of the phone, I hear a third kid start crying, I started to cry. We went out and all she talked about were how important her kids are. She didn't want to hear about my pet hamster. I thought that was selfish of her. I nurtured that hamster.
We went out with her again. I figured they're getting child support. I can use that money.
I didn't know Chuck E. Cheese cost that much. When you have to feed the kids too, I can't afford dates. I think she was just trying to score free meals for the little ones. I had to get their dad to wire money for the pizza. After he wired the money that second date got better. All I know is that hamsters are not that expensive.
Truth is it was a kosher pizza place in the food court. There were games. It felt like Chuck E. Cheese. Not going to lie. It was awkward going on a date with her kids, because she couldn't find a sitter, but I had a lot of fun jumping in the balls bin.
From now on, I always tell divorcees that they have to pay for their children if the kids are tagging along. If they can find a sitter, that's great, but they I am not wealthy enough to chip in for those either. That's unless there are coupons involved.
If there is anything you can learn from me... get married, so you don't have to go out. It's always awkward.
For all the ladies out there who want a good date at a falafel stand, check me out on JDate.
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That is how the punchline of a Jewish joke should look. Like you're questioning something, dealing with serious stomach issues, or giving a sermon.