Rosh Hashana Resolutions II: For the Religious

by David Kilimnick

Remember to not vow, as you will not follow through on any of these. (Photo: Getty Images)

It's the High Holiday season and people feel bad now. They didn't feel bad last month, when they did it. Now that they're being judged for life and death, they feel worse. So, they ask for forgiveness. Here are some resolutions people make in these times of worry.

The Treating Other People Better Because It is the High Holiday Season & There is a High Sense of Guilt Resolution: For Those Who Have a Heart, who Realize that Everything They Did Last Year was Annoying
I will not eat chocolate. 
I will not chew with my mouth open.
I will not eat deli on the airplane, even if I brought the sandwich because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal.
I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli.
I will not bring Chinese food back from Asia, when they have it here.
I will not hit the seat in front of me. This one I am saying on behalf of the person sitting behind me on my last connecting flight in Europe.
I will appreciate other people more.
I will spend less time with other people. I hope this helps me appreciate them.
I will be honest in business.
I will get ripped off by everybody.
I really mean it. I will not eat chocolate. 
I will not make vows.
I will share the armrest during the High Holidays, even though the guy that sits next to me only shows up once a year.
We will have more guests in our house and give up our children’s bedroom to them. To fulfil the mitzvah of having guests, we will not give up the master bedroom, where we sleep, because we want our children to learn the importance of the mitzvah of welcoming guests. That is done by kicking the kids out of their room and having them sleep somewhere else, on the ground.
It's New Year's and I know I should resolute to not eat chocolate. I will not eat Hershey's chocolate. Let's not get rid of dark chocolate.
I will ask for forgiveness and tell all the people that I spoke Lashon Hara, gossip, about, that I talked about them behind their back. I will lose all my friends. Telling them that I told other people about their failed relationship and weight gain, they probably won’t like me anymore, even if everybody else talked about it; at least I will have done Teshuva.
I will give chocolate to the people who I spoke Lashon Hara about, so they will like me again.

The I Feel Bad About My Relationship with Gd Resolution: Because You Want a Raise 
You know you sinned and don't want to be punished. So, you make hasty resolutions that are contingent on you making more money...
I will go to synagogue early, if I get a raise.
I will meditate and pray all day long, after I get my raise.
I will learn what the blessings mean, even if they are in Hebrew and all my life I've relied on the tenant that talking Hebrew is good enough for prayer, even though I don’t understand a word of it.
I will say "Amen" with pride, because that is the only part of the prayers I know I am doing right.
I will learn what "Amen" means.
I will not space out every time I do the Amida, silent prayer. The Amida is important to me. I will also use it to pray and connect to Gd; not to think about fishing trips, business deals, or why the guy in front of me has a bowing in different directions style to his Amida.
I will do Teshuva, repentance, correctly. According to the Rambam, the law requires me to say that I will never do the sin again, even if I enjoyed it. I will fulfill this law to the fullest and I will lie.
I will learn more Torah.
I will do it if You give me more money.
If You make sure I get a raise, I will not eat chocolate.

Resolutions You Make in Shul: Because the Rosh Hashana Services Are Taking Too Long
I will learn how to lead services. This Chazin is taking too long.
I will give more for the Rabbi’s Yizkur Appeal if his speech is shorter.
I will get a better seat in shul next year. I will save up money and purchase a cushioned seat. I did not realize I would be sitting here for thirty-five hours these High Holidays.
I will devote my life to peace on earth, if we can get out of the services now.
If the guy is able to blow the shofar for more than twenty seconds, I will not get extremely excited and show my watch to everybody.
I will not eat anymore for the whole holiday season. I feel disgusting, having to eat three meals a day, with brisket and kugel in each one.
I will not eat chocolate on Yom Kippur.

​Don't say anything about giving Tzedakah. You might have to do it.