Gifts to Not Give on Chanukah

by David Kilimnick

At least those weren't crocheted socks (photo: inc.com)

There is such a thing as bad thoughts. I know this, because I have received many Chanukah gifts over the years.
You want an article about what gifts to get, look on Amazon and check out what you missed on Black Friday. I never got a drone camera.
Here is a list of Chanukah gifts you should not get for people. These are really bad gifts that ended up in my room. And one thing all of these gifts have in common is that when I got them every gift was followed with, ‘It's the thought that counts.’ Every time I heard that, I knew it was a mistake. There is such a thing as a bad thought.
 
A Calendar From Last Year
Certain gifts are time sensitive. There's an end of year sale on calendars and I respect that. My aunt is very good at finding deals. Around December time, the previous year’s calendars go on sale.
Last year I got a calendar from 2021. I can use it in 2035, if it's a leap year. Otherwise, I have to wait till 2056.
It would have also been nice if my aunt did not mark it up with all of her appointments.
 
A Racket with a Ball Attached
My mom should've just given me a card that said 'you don't have any friends to play with.'
That racket and ball kept me frustrated for all 8 days. I spent all of Chanukah trying to figure out why I can't hit a ball that's attached. The Rubik’s Cube also got me on edge for a while. Want to make my holiday a nightmare? Give me a game that takes any amount of skill or knowledge. I have been looking at the Sudoku book for a good four years now. Four years of numbers I can’t figure out and failure.
 
Drawings
I love my nephews and nieces, but his drawings are bad. I said it and I care. I am a good uncle. I did not put the picture up on the fridge. I don’t want to have to show that to my nephew and tell him, ‘Do not become an artist. You have no talent.’ It looks like a dinosaur tree, with no detail; just a green marker circle. My sister already stopped him from eating popsicles when she realized he would never make a decent architect.
The kid could've worked, saved up, and given me something meaningful from the Dollar Tree. Such as a real Chanukah card.
Children should not get credit for everything they do. I am still trying to figure out if my niece deserved to graduate kindergarten. She couldn’t read the diploma. I don’t even think she could trace it, inside the lines.
 
Trivet
It might have been an ashtray. Every pottery piece I ever got looked like an ashtray. Pottery class should not be something they allow in elementary schools. It seems to condone smoking.
Paper-mache should be banned altogether. I cannot tell you how many gifts I have received over the years that look like balloons.
 
Socks that My Aunt Stitched together
I like when my socks stay up.
Maybe David didn’t purchase the socks that have no elastic band on the top, because he likes it when his socks don’t constantly fall. Everything stitched falls. Crocheted sweaters with no neck are also not good gifts.
Anything crocheted is not a good idea. Marshall’s has a hard-enough time getting my waist size right.
 
Chocolate Coins
Also known as Chanukah gelt (money in Yiddish), this is not real money. They are chocolate with tin foil on top. You got me the first time you gave me these chocolate coins. You aren’t going to make a fool of me again. I will not be mocked by people at 7-Eleven who do not accept chocolate as currency.
Instead of spending $50 on two dollars worth of chocolate, give me $48 and a couple of Hershey’s bars.

Please don’t be angry if you receive a racket with a ball attached to it, a calendar from 2011, my nephew’s paper-mache Chanukah card drawing, socks that don’t fit me, or silver foil in the shape of a coin. I need to make space in my room for the pants and crocheted sweaters I am going to receive this holiday.
Come to think of it, I think she got that calendar for free. The calendar had Chabad written all over it. And there was an envelope marked with an address for a donation.