Psaks with Rabbi David: Hallel on Chanukah and Other Traditions

by Rabbi David

Rabbi David. Why do we not do Hallel on Purim? We say it on Chanukah.
I don't believe that last part is a question. That's a statement. As such, I shall answer the first part, which ends with a question mark. Questions should always have question marks. If you can please tell the other congregants that a statement is not a question; that will help with the next guest speakers Q and A. They will appreciate questions being in question in form, and not speech form.
The reason we don't say Hallel on Purim is that we're reading the Megillah. After reading the Megillah it would be way too painful. After an hour or so of Megillah and groggers to have to also then do Hallel, we would lose members. People would run from shul in fear.
Reading the Megillah is an hour or so. It can last up to an hour and half with excitable kids. Hence, you should always be sure to read the Megillah without kids.

Why do we say Hallel on Chanukah?
Now, that's a question.
Because there are no decent Chanukah songs for Frum Jews. 'I Had a Little Dreidel,' 'Sevivon Sov Sov Sov,' 'Hashkeidiah Porachat,' 'Chanukah Chag Yafeh Kol Kach.' I question if there are any Jewish Chanukah songs. We need Hallel to ensure some Jewish songs are sung on Chanukah.
If it was up to our congregants we'd be singing 'Silent Night' around the Menorah. We're going to sing Hallel.

Why does everybody in Israel constantly say 'Sufganiot make you fat' all of Chanukah?
They're not going to say it on Pesach.
It's annoying and it ruins my Chanukah. We all know doughnuts are not good on a diet. Weight Watchers doesn't have doughnuts on their list. They have munchkins. And nobody is enjoying a Sufganiah munchkin quota.
They always say it right when they're eating the jelly filled oil doughnuts, to ward off the demons of fat. I can't enjoy the sucking out the jelly from a third Sufganiah when I'm hearing, 'These things make you fat.' They kill the whole holiday for me.
Nobody should be worried about fat till after the holiday, when they have to take off fifteen pounds. That's the Psak.
If these people really cared, they would give you a Sufganiah and a new pair of pants, and they would tell you to enjoy your Chanukah.
Truth is, they would say it on Pesach. But Pesach they're saying 'Matzah makes you fat.' They find way to ruin my Pesach.

Do I have to purchase gifts?
If you want your family to love you.

Why is Chabad's Chanukiah so much bigger than the one we lit at shul?
I'm not willing to risk my life to light the Chanukah Menorah. Are you? Exactly. It's Sakanat Nifashot. I was never involved in construction. I will not start now with a Chanukiah, at the age of fifty-eight. I won't be raised fifteen stories in a bucket. Nor will I stand on a scaffolding to light for the third night.
I saw that rabbi up on the Chanukiah. The Chanukiah was bigger than his house. The real question is if the Chabad rabbi is going to do additions to his home. Like a room with a big window, to light Chanukiahs on Chanukah.
Chanukah lighting is not a competition. How long your Seder lasts is a competition. That's something to brag about.

Where should we shop for Chanukah?
You need milk?
Yes.
The grocery store. There's a decent convenience store down the block as well. It used to be a 7-Eleven.

Rabbi David's Notes
These congregants are so annoying. I understand I'm a Gadol, but everybody comes to me with the most annoying questions. Can any of these people make decisions themselves? I have to answer that question too now.
Why do I always have to compete with the Chabad rabbi? I do believe our shul should get a new Chanukiah. The tin Menorah is pathetic. Especially when the Chabad rabbi is lighting from a scaffolding six stories up. You will never see me driving around with a Chanukiah on my car, as that is a fire hazard.