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Announcements
Due to this past week in Israel, we are collecting donations for our new shul bouncy house. We are asking people to do Kaddish in unison. Kaddish is not a popularity contest to see who will get people to answer theirs. We all know nobody likes Baruch. We are asking for the same speed from all Kaddish sayers. Phillip has been speeding ahead and we have noticed that everybody is responding to Phillip's Kaddish, and not Baruch. We understand that most people don’t like Baruch. Even so, he deserves an ‘Amen’ too. Even if nobody likes him. I think we can all agree we liked his parents. The community rally for Israel will not take place at our shul because the Jewish Federation does not want people messing it up. They have seen what our membership can do when they help out. We are going to have a community sing along. This will include members of other shuls that have people with decent voices. ‘Yehi Shalom’ will be the song. As well as ‘Anachnu Maminim.’ They mean something to the rabbi. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bereishit 2:15) ‘And H’ took man and placed him in Gan Eden, to work it and guard it’... I didn't mean to start with the 'w' word. I know that scares you. Work scares you. In the meantime, our brothers and sisters are being attacked in Israel. And our kids got destroyed by the Episcopalians in floor hockey... Let’s talk about what we can do. I understand there are worse people out there than our board... We are here to do stuff. We were placed in the Gan Eden to work it and guard it. And that was before you messed it up... It was probably our board. They have messed up so many... Being with our Israeli brothers in a time where evil they were under attack, they guarded our nation with light. People came together. That means they sung ‘Yehi Shalom.’ When the rockets were being shot at Jerusalem we sung.., You sing about peace in Jerusalem’s walls. That’s what we were doing in Jerusalem, in the bomb shelter. Thinking about Gd. About peace. I can tell you. I did not think about our board. I did not think about Shloimy with his questions every time I want to get home after Davening... We are going to sing 'Yehi Shalom' together... Because that’s how you guard the world. A good song... Please stop. For H's sake. Hearing our membership sing makes me question why I was placed here. In this shul. Gd would’ve never given you the job of singing. There's a reason that was for the Levites. This kind of singing can mess up the world... That’s not harmony Yakov. It's bad. Right now, I’m not thinking about Gd. I’m just thinking about how to get Helen to stop. What song are you singing???!!! We're singing 'Yehi Shalom.' Peace be within the walls... When you sing 'Anachnu Maminim' I stop believing. Something about this congregation that just hurts belief... You would've definitely ate from the tree of knowledge. You couldn't even hold off from the potato kugel at Kiddish. You devoured it... You were on a diet. (Bereishit 2:17) The one thing we can’t do is eat from the tree of knowledge, ‘for on the day you eat from it, you shall surely die.’ Like an idiot. The one thing you're told not to do... If you were told to not watch American Idol, you would die. You would watch it and you would die... I ask that we don't have messed up people leading Davening. Because you make me want to kill myself. Knowledge kills people... At least a lot of stupid stuff is said. If we took all the professors in our shul, we would have to listen to a lot of stupidity... Torah is the one bit of knowledge you don’t know... Matrix is not Torah. It was a deep movie. When you make decisions, that’s when there are problems. Knowledge has you doing dumb stuff to this congregation. Discussing Nietzsche at junior congregation... If you didn’t think, you would give Tzedakah to good people. You would donate good stuff. Not classic undershirts… You don’t wear them. They’re not comfortable. That doesn’t make them a good donation. The only thing you thought about was how to get it out of your house… The shul board thinks and there’s death to anything decent... And Yakey thinks he has a decent voice. Donations for the new shul bouncy house??? What is the justification for this? Israel is going through hell... Living as Jews is a good way to fight terror. Yes... You’re not sending the bouncy house to the kids in Israel... How are they going to fly out here for a bouncy house... This is you donation?! You offered displaced people a bouncy house in America… You can live in a bouncy house, Shaindel… Committee meetings. That is how you bring destruction to the world. You mess up everything. That’s why the Jewish Federation doesn’t want the rally at our shul. You’ll have a committee meeting and they’ll call it off. And then nobody will support Israel… Your Kaddish causes disunity. It's almost as bad as Helen and Yakey singing. Israel is how we keep this world moving. How we guard the world. Israel with decent songs... I don't know why. I just know that if you think about it, you'll destroy it. Just get one of our shul committees on it, and you’ll destroy it. Rivka's Rundown The big takeaway from the rabbi's sermon is that diets don't stop people from sinning. It turns out that people on diets eat apples. And our shul members are the reason for anything bad in the world. In the rabbi’s mind, the board represents total evil. Hamas is also bad. But they’re not responsible for the rabbi not getting a raise. The rabbi was in Israel when Hamas did the most vile acts. He sung with our Israeli brothers and sisters. He prayed. As he said, ‘I could’ve never done it with this congregation. I feel like I’m a better Jew when I’m not around our congregants.’ We are honored to have a rabbi that cares so much about Israel, he’s afraid that if we go we’ll mess it up. To quote our rabbi: ‘Peace is not having to think about congregants.’ That is how our rabbi defines Shalom. Shloimy truly hounds the rabbi with questions about Yiddishkeit. The rabbi hates answering those questions. That singing about peace was really disjunctive. There was no unity in our singing. I truly think that our congregation singing about peace will bring disunity. It's good we sung what was meaningful to the rabbi. If the shul did stuff they found meaningful, we would be sunbathing singing The Beach Boys. Ethel loves them. Our shul is selfish. Anything for a fundraiser. I don't think we've ever sent money to Israel. The classic cut undershirts donation to Women for Autism did not make much sense. I think the Finkelwitzs just wanted them out of their house. Those undershirts just choke people. The Finkelwitzs kept the v-necks. The bouncy house is amazing. We're all loving it. If any of our Israel brothers and sisters want to use it when they visit, the committee said they can if they give a donation. Our shul committees truly destroy and program. Our members didn’t end up going to the rally. There was a committee meeting to decide what our shul should do at the rally to show solidarity. A fight between Yankel and Frayda broke out and that was it. It was decided that who gets to decide on the theme for the shul Chanukah party is more important than Israel. And with all of this, they’re still fighting over Kaddish and Aliyahs. The rabbi said that none of this is Lashon Hara, as all of our shul our Rishaim that always do evil things. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I was at Beit Knesset Shir Chadash in Jerusalem for Simchat Torah, when the first sirens went off last Saturday morning. We went to the bomb shelter as a congregation and sang 'Yehi Shalom.' Simchat Torah wasn't a holiday anymore. It was now a moment. A moment of this kind of emotional dancing for our people. We sang, we danced and drank a bit of whiskey. Whiskey can help when rockets are being shot at you. That's something I learned.
Since then, I have witnessed the greatest show of national unity I've ever seen. A nation unified. That's how we respond to terror. We don't give in. We help. We say we want to volunteer and hope we don't have to. And then we look at our phones and worry. The hurt won't go away. It will be there. Even so, there are little bits of laughter found in the tears. With that said... Here are a some of the many ways I have seen Jews in Israel and around the world the past week, as well as myself, to the heinousness. This is what you do. Put an Israeli Flag on Your Profile Page This is patriotism. It also gets you likes, which is more important. Best is adding a flag to your previous profile picture, so people think you took that photo of Niagra Falls in Israel. Worry Worrying is very important. Worry About Any Noise All noise scares me now. Somebody turned on the washing machine last night. They should've warned us. We heard the garbage truck the other day in the Modiin area and ran to the bomb shelter. Before this past week, I never realized how much noise dumpsters make. Maybe they should wait till things calm down to collect trash. The neighbor's kid wanted gummies, and their parent told them it's not healthy. That led to a tantrum, which led to us running to the bomb shelter. The parents were right. Gummies are not healthy. The gummy almost caused a heart attack in our house. Pray A Lot A lot of Tehillim. What the Shir Hamalot stuff means, we still don't know. It's Hebrew. But we say it. Charedi neighborhoods are having full nights of Tefillah and repentance. You can do that or say a chapter of Tehillim. I do the chapter of Tehillim. It's about time management. Look at Your Phone Watch any video. All videos work. This will help you worry more. Your phone should be checked all day, just in case you had a moment where you thought people were good. Share Videos of Love For Israel Videos that will cause you to lose your American job in two weeks. It will take around two weeks for people to say they hate Jews again. If You Have a Business - Make Sure People Know You Care To Quote HaMosach Shel Tzachi: 'At Tzachi's Garage we here wis you during dese hard time. You all be safe. Come for oil change and we be sure to get your car taken care of right way. Only 500nis.' Tzachi doesn't use spellcheck. Kindness The people of our Homeland are kind, and it shines during these hard times. I have not seen kindness like this in years. People are letting others cut them in line at the grocery. Cars are stopping to let you cross the street. Tremps (picking up hitchhikers who need to get places) are abundant and very scary. Buses are stopping at the bus stops and letting people on. The kindness is never ending. Sing ‘Anachnu Maminim Bnei Maminim’ It's just what we do whenever we have a chance. Whether it's a wedding, a football match, or a war. It also works at protests and when your teacher shows up late to class. You can also sing it when you're in the Shuk with friends, or passing a random stranger in Jerusalem that doesn't know you're a fan of Beitar. And you sing that song with jumping. Better yet. Watch videos of soldiers singing it in jump dance formation. That is solidarity. A circle of people jumping in unison in non-unified form. Truth be told. Seeing that touches my heart. Share Stuff on Social Media Anything. Share it. It's your way of helping. What should you share? Tradition is to collage a bunch of pictures in video form to the backdrop of sentimental Mizrachi music. It should look as close as possible to a Bat Mitzvah video, but with more people singing ‘Anachnu Maminim.’ Send Go Fund Mes to Other People Without having donated yourself. Note: You don't have to donate to look good posting stuff. Going Out Living. That’s how we win wars. Not letting them bring down our morale. Going out to restaurants is how we fight. That’s what I’m doing. I've been eating a lot. I hope that helps the effort. Soldiers Do Jewish Stuff That Saves Lives Start wearing Tzitzit. It saves lives. I hear the story and I am touched. I see the videos of the nation united in Tzitzit and I am touched. I see it and I believe that a day will come soon where I can put on Tzitzit and not sweat. A day where Tzitzit don't itch. All the stories are so touching. Baking For Soldiers Cookies. Soldiers like cookies. Chocolate chip. Truth is most people like chocolate chip cookies. I'm getting the feeling that many of the cookies don't make it to the soldiers. Cook The whole country is cooking. Cooking for the soldiers. Cooking for the holy people from the south. Miracles. Supermarkets aren't stocked and the country is cooking. Not going to lie. So much food has been brought to the soldiers. They have all the good stuff. Thousands of pizzas. I'm embarrassed to say, I was by a base. I took the pizza. Drawing If you're a kid, drawings are amazing. Nobody wants a crayon drawing from a guy in his mid-forties. Which is why I didn't draw for the soldiers. Me drawing with a crayon at this point is creepy. Seeing a man my age with a crayon is creepy. Though, I would love to draw. It looks fun to make a messed-up illustration of a dragon that somehow represents the Jewish people, and then to have people appreciate it. Donating Blood You do what you can. You give what you can. If that's life. You give it. Be it blood or cookies. I think the cookies are appreciated more. Try to Volunteer Good luck. You're competing with too many people. Do Not Pay Anybody Now is the best time to get free work done for you in Israel. Been looking to save money on renovations. Now is the time. People are finally willing to work for nothing. Whatever is needed. Right now, is the time to put up that new chandelier. Electricians will volunteer. I've never heard so many people ask, 'What can I do?' What can you do? You can help me move my couch. And then I can use help shellacking the deck. Ask People How They Are Responses to Expect: ‘Amazing.’ ‘Doing great.’ ‘Awesome.’ 'Love life.' Tell People to 'Stay Safe' If they're not safe, abort all other questions and talk to somebody else. You don't need negativity in your life. Respond Positively to All Questions To quote me, 'I'm fine. They were shooting in the town next door, half a kilometer away, yesterday... Yeah. They were cheering when the missiles were sent at us. I'm doing great. I'm feeling safe.' Note: None of your friends overseas want to hear you complaining. As long as you tell them their shooting at you with an upbeat voice, it's OK. Protest If you're not in Israel, you protest. Protest or have a rally. They look the same. If you're not singing 'Anachnu Maminim' I can't tell if it's pro or anti-Israel. There are so many ways people have responded in kindness and beauty to the evil. That is one thing we can all do to pay our respects. Spread acts of kindness. That is what I learned from our people in Israel this week. I just pray for the holy souls that have went to Olam Haba. And I pray everybody who is out there comes back safely, so that I can start cutting people off on the highway again without feeling bad. ***To Brachot and Kavod to our Holy Brothers and Sisters who went to Shamaim too soon. Words can't express the devastation and concern for the loss and atrocities. Mishtatfim BTzar Shel HaAm The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcement
After the patheticness at the last Bat Mitzvah, and the lack of foresight preparing for Simchat Torah, the shul will be hosting mandatory Simcha Dancing classes throughout the month of Cheshvan. Simchat Torah, we’re going to have men and women circles. This way, people will be able to choose where they want to look. Nobody will be forced to focus on the horrific sight of men dancing in a circle. The shul would like to apologize for the Lulavs and Etrogs we picked up this year. To quote Mordechai, ‘The Etrogs were a lemon.’ We do ask that people not hurt each other next year. Lulavs should remain close to the body. They are sharp and they do hurt when you wave them like it’s a Tallis. We also ask you to stop hurting people with your tassels. Next time anybody hits anybody with a Jewish artifact they will get escorted out of the shul by security. With that in mind, we also ask congregants stop swaying back and forth during Davening. Your lack of body control, as exhibited by your dancing, is dangerous. The rabbi will be in Israel for Simchat Torah. As the rabbi expressed in his holiday message, 'There can only be Simcha when there are no congregants.' Rabbi Mendelchem's Guest Rabbi's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom You... (Devarim 33:8-10) Levi is going to carry the Urim and Tumim... Because the Levites didn’t mess up. They’re also going to be the teachers... Because they didn’t mess up everything. This isn’t the Simchat Torah committee... Yes. You messed up. You don’t even know how to dance... It’s the holiday where we dance for the Torah. You have a committee for Simchat Torah and not one of your knows the 'Mayim Mayim BSason'... And the Bat Mitzvah dancing. You don't hold onto the limbo stick to support yourself. The Mei Meriva??? Ahron did Teshuva (Ramban). So, you can’t hold it against him... You were sitting in the back talking all of Musaf on Yom Kippur. Did you do Teshuva for that?! I know it’s hard to repent when Yom Kippur already passed. You were talking the whole of Yom Kippur, in shul... I know it's hard to repent for Yom Kippur, when you need Yom Kippur... And why are we talking about bitter waters. Now you're bitter because you can't dance. The Levites would have taught you how to dance... ‘They kept the covenant.’ They kept the Brit Milah going, even in the desert. They didn't dessert H'... In the desert, they didn't desert. Exactly. They kept the Mitzvot. There's a reason, Shmuel who doesn't know how to dance the Mayim BSason doesn't teach it... ‘They shall teach Your ordinance to Yakov and Your Torah to Israel.’ Not Moishie. Who is Moishie??? You hired the worst Hebrew school teacher... We need teachers who know what holidays are coming up... You don't celebrate Simchat Torah with Matzah balls. We need a better board. We need people who know how to hold a Lulav without whacking people. We need relaxed congregants who don’t get all worked up about Lulavs and Etrogs... It’s the only Mitzvah you care about. And you attacked Max. Max was looking at a Lulav, you bumped him and took it, then poked him... It was a sharp Lulav. He’s 96 years old. There’s a Mitzvah to respect your elders. At least not whack them with branches... It’s because they didn’t mess up. Levi didn’t mess up like Kathryn, who is on the board... From what I have seen here, if you're on the board, you're not a Levite... Cheshvan is called a bitter month, because we have to deal with the congregants, and there are no holidays where the leave... Rivka's Rundown The sermon was given by a guest rabbi. Our rabbi was in Israel. The guest rabbi, only with us for three days, already can't stand the congregation. He didn't see us as his pupils yet, so he called us 'you.' Much of the membership felt that was intimate enough. The Lulav waiving did get violent. Our membership has no waiving control. Being near them during Lulav waiving is almost as dangerous as being near Baruch when he’s putting on his Tallis. Many members have been held up in the hospital with tassel whips. Lulav injuries include: The Hakafot back of the head bump. The pace around the shul wasn't fast enough, so the bottom of Mark's Lulav caught Feivel in the back of his neck. A hand with a Hadas through it. A pair of glasses that went when Ruchel tried waving her Lulav in all directions during Hallel. She hit six people on that. She even hit a little girl who was trying to get to her mom with the down direction Lulav wave. Then there was the black eye from Shalom, who saw a friend and tried to say 'hi' with his Lulav. And then hitting Max. That was wrong. It was over a box. They couldn't even see the Etrogs. So, they were check the boxes for nicks. Max had a pristine Etrog box, so they tackled him. Then he got whacked with a Lulav. The membership seemed to only hear that there was room for men and women to dance. They didn't hear the part about sides. So, it felt like a non-religious wedding. Bernie and Max Schulman tried bringing the traditional separate men's and women's sides. Being that the dancing was so off, and they couldn't control the train, the men ended up dancing on the women's side. The Simcha Dancing classes themselves were painful to watch. Just seeing our members walk in a circle is a painful sight. It seems that the only Jewish dance the congregants know is the shoulder hold, where you hold the shoulders of the guy in front of you. My take: The arm on somebody else’s shoulder does not constitute a dance. They’re doing it because they will fall otherwise. It's for balance. If it was Zumba they could do it. They can't dance normally as Jews. But they can do aerobics. Aerobics is the most Jewish thing our congregants do. I think the rabbi blames the shul board for everything. He blamed them for the teachers at the day school as well. The visiting rabbi even blamed them, and he just met them. The day school teachers know nothing about Judaism. But they do know how to teach Zumba. After the Chag, we heard about the attacks in Israel. We called our rabbi and he said he was safe. I believe he thought we were asking how it was being away from the congregants. He answered, 'I am safe. I haven't had any questions about services here.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXVI10/5/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the holidays with David’s visit to the graves before Rosh Hashana, his spotting of a Shofar bag in Jerusalem and the Tefillah overlooking the Old City that only David would complain about, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for complaining about everything you enjoyed over the Chagim.
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People build a Sukkah, but how do you make your Sukkah festive. How do you make it a place to be for the holiday. We shall help with that. The simple answer is to do Mitzvot. Now let us delve and share what we've learned from the many Sukkahs we've frequented in over the years.
Decorate It How? Gourds, paper chains and anything else your child made at school. Hopefully it will rain, and you’ll be able to throw out their artwork. Note: Pumpkins are a type of gourd, making it the perfect decoration to usher in our Jewish October holiday. Christmas decorations also bring out the Sukkot holiday spirit. The more religious you are, the more you'll want to use Christmas decorations. Festivity is the key. Hence you want to cut out the paper strips for your Sukkah chain. Known as Jewish origami, you loop and connect the paper with staples. Staples is the distinguishing factor of Jewish origami. Making for festivity. How the Japanese still haven't figured out staples is mind-boggling. They make origami so much easier. Eat in It That means brisket. That's the Mitzvah. Hang Sticky Tape This way, the flies that were in your Sukkah do not leave. The tape attracts the flies, keeping them in one spot, right above the table. You will also want to hang a large jar of honey. This will ensure you have bees in your Sukkah while you eat as well. I will say to watch out for some bees. Though watch out, even with their own jar, some bees still won't let you enjoy your honey on your Challah. Bring Out the Food Cooking for the whole family is part of the tradition. They came. They didn’t help. They won’t help serve it either. You cook the food, serve it and make them happy. The way to make your Sukkah meaningful is to not enjoy it yourself. Nobody will help. Host Sukkah Hoppers This means to have sweets ready. Sukkah hoppers are a rogue group of homeless six-year-olds in your neighborhood that got kicked out of their family Sukkahs and need candy. Now this group of kids, six-year-old candy thugs, comes around forcing you to give them gummies. This group will pop into your Sukkah without knocking and sing 'VSamachat BChagecha' for as long as it takes to get those little gooey fish. They can go on for a long time, as they have even created another new tun for this song about being happy during the holiday. Give them the sweets or they may get violent, or worse, they will start dancing. Torah Conversations That won’t happen. Be content with a conversation about how the rabbi and the shul board messed up the in Sukkah Kiddish. That's close enough to Torah. Sleep in the Sukkah You bring out your bed, and you camp in a tent connected to your house. I know it's scary to be outside in the wilderness. Don't worry, we have developed Sukkah AC units for this camping experience. Wave Your Lulav in It That will mess up the Schach. I've seen the way my congregants wave their Lulavs around uncontrolled, violently whacking others and the light above the ark. Programs Programs should rhyme. Rhyming programs are more meaningful. Hukkah in the Sukkah. Great program. It rhymes. It's meaningful. Also an excellent program for the Sukkah Hoppers. Torah in the Sukkah doesn't sound as good, which is why it's not a program. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
We are starting a campaign for new members. We've lost many congregants to the Coffee House chain. It turns out that conversation is much more convenient at the Coffee House, where Shacharit doesn't interrupt your conversation and you don't have to talk over a Chazin. We apologize for the cantor leading services and being too loud, interrupting a decent dialogue about Marketplace's food court. The Chazin has picked Yom Kippur tunes that don’t fit the words, to make for a more spiritual Davening. Forgiveness Our Members Should be Requesting: Sorry for my flatulence. Sorry I was never helpful. Sorry for parking like a fool; there were lines; I parked on the line. Sorry for being me. Sorry for never hosting the rabbi. Menachem is religious this week. He will be Davening louder, shuckling more, and walking more hunched over to be closer to Gd before Yom Kippur. Please do not express any anger at him for praying extremely loud. He will go back to his mellow Davening form after Gd forgives him. After Yom Kippur, he will also go back to talking during Davening real loud. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. The earth and heavens listen. They hear all the dumb stuff you say at Kiddish... Me having to listen to it is painful enough... Just knowing how many times they heard you ask Shlomo for forgiveness... You talk Lashon Hara about him right afterwards. And then he hates you for telling him you did it... You should've just said, 'I'm the one who ruined your life...' (Devarim 32:7) ‘Remember the days of the world, understand the years generation to generation. Ask you father and he will tell you, your elders and they will say it to you.' That’s history... Yes. Not being you means something. You know less than the people who have been around. Max knows more than you, Pete. And Sadie is the wisest in our shul. She even knows to stay away from Fran when Fran is talking about how great her grandkids are. You're the smartest Sadie and we can all learn from you... Even if they can’t figure out how to use a laptop, they’re smarter than you... I can care less that you’re eight. If we learned from history, we would know that our tunes don’t fit the prayers. Our Chazin is still trying to fit every note into Kedusha... You threw eighteen words into one note. If we learned from our history, you would know to not say dumb stuff about lawn care, when you know nothing about it. And you wouldn't serve on the board... Because you would've learned from the last time you were on the board that you ruined the shul and made a rabbi want to leave... Me. You would have learned how to park a car... You're looking at a video to park the thing. I don't know if you're watching out for the curb or watching a foreign flick where a guy is parking on the left side of the street... If you learned from history, you wouldn’t tell Shlomo you talked about him... You would know he’ll hate you more again... You told Mark not to do business with him. You killed his Parnasa. The guy can't make a living because you told everybody he has hiccups... No. You don’t learn from the past. Or you wouldn’t have purchased that leaf blower. You guys haven't cared for your lawn in years... Last spring, you mowed the leaves into the grass. Learn from history. Yes... Chani should not be on the board... Bad decisions. Last time you did renovations... We still have a leak. You decorated it. We needed it fixed. We didn’t need a neon lit leak... They will tell you. Trust me. If you ask Bernie for his opinion. I don't think Bernie has ever not shared something that was on his mind... You have no filter Bernie. That's where the Lashon Hara comes from. He hated your outfit, Kathy. On Rosh Hashana, he told everybody... But you have to want to listen. You have to want to hear. You have to ask. ‘Ask your father... your elders.’ They don’t tell you because you don’t ask... Well you have to ask louder. They can’t hear. I tell you stuff all the time. it’s like you’re asking to sin. When you ask if it’s fine to run the gambling racket... The only time they can hear you is when you’re Davening on Yom Kippur. You’re so loud... They know you’re faking. That’s a fake cry... Bernie said it was a fake cry. They know that you don’t shuckle that much... Flipping the Tallit over your head does not make you religious. It just makes you more prone to bumping into stuff... You would've pulled on the string and not the curtain itself if you didn't cover your face with your Tallis... Maybe you would host me for dinner. That is just a nice thing you would do if you learned from... Your grandparents invited me, and they knew how to cook... You wouldn't bring salalmi on a plane and eat it with pickles... Deli smells good in a deli. You talk loud in shul. You do interrupt very loud... Talking loud is OK in a deli. If you're a waitress in a deli... I am not suggesting talking in shul. You talk real loud... You were talking right in front of Bill. He was in the middle of the Amidah and he has to hear about your grandkids... Bernie said you were annoying.... Yes. You talk loud too... Staying away from the farts is hard. I understand that’s why you don’t speak to some of our elders. The elders of our shul do fart loud. Rivka's Rundown Sadie gave a big donation to the shul after the rabbi's sermon. They were eating a pastrami sandwich and trying to figure out why people were angry. It smells disgusting. Shwarma on the flight isn't even as disgusting as deli. There is something about deli that makes it the most disgusting thing to eat in transit. The older people in the congregation complain a lot. And they do that out looud. I appreciate it. The young members are annoying and still can't cook a decent Kugel. The board always wants to renovate. They love renovating. They fix nothing. Just renovate. Every meeting is about a new renovation. They feel like they’re doing nothing if they’re not ruining the shul. Everything has to be new. If it's new it's better. That's the creed. The new chairs with no cushion are not better. Nor is the new Kugel with no noodles. Phil changed seats to not be near the farting. Mishaneh Makom Mishaneh Mazal (you change your place, you change your luck). Very true. But then Marleen pulled out a turkey pastrami sandwich. They truly just come to shul for good conversation. That and Kiddish. This is why everybody gets mad at the Chazin. He gets in the way of decent conversation. And when he's real Chuzpadik, Musaf carries over ten minutes into Kiddish. The shul board asked for less talking in shul. That chased away the congregants. The announcement in the Middle of Musaf sounded like this: 'We don't mean to offend Chani and Michel that talk all of Davening.' Chani and Michel don't come anymore. They figured that it's easier to talk at the Coffee House. It's a great chain with no rabbi. Mark and Lisa also left the shul. They joined a country club. It turns out the dues were less at Bergowitz Country Club. It doesn't sound classy, but Bergowitz is pulling in tons. It's a country club with a Jewish experience, which means golf. Tons of Jewish have opted for Bergowitz over shul. They are happy losing congregants. The talk at Kiddish was, 'If there is no talking in shul, then way come.' I personally love when the board gets up to make the announcement to not talk in shul. Then they go back to their seats and talk. I think it's best people don't talk. All they talk is Lashon Hara. A lot of Lashon Hara and not learning from history. One day a year, they don't talk Lashon Hara. They become religious for a day. Yom Kippur comes and they're flipping their Tallis over their head. The tunes never fit the prayers. The Chazin picks a tune he likes and he forces in the whole Kedusha to it. The rabbi wouldn’t eat anywhere anyways. He doesn’t trust the Hashgacha (kosher supervision) at our houses, or that we’re Jews. The congregants would fire the rabbi if he ate at their homes. They would never want a rabbi who thought they were good Jews. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Last year we talked about purchasing seats. This year we’re going to focus on saving money.
Don't buy prime cushion seating from the shul office this year. You're praying to Gd for a year of financial success. You don't want to start with a two-hundred-dollar seat debt. Two hundred dollars and you don't even get to take the chair home. It's a rip off. Best way to save money is to sit in the plastic section. Sit in the Plastic Chair Section The plastic section is for crowd overflow. Many of the people showing up to this section didn't think about purchasing Yom Kippur seats, making this the fiscally responsible way to spend the High Holidays. This section is full of people the congregation can't depend on to help or volunteer, again making this the right section for you. No shame in the plastic chair section. Keter chairs are quite comfortable. If you're sitting here, you probably didn’t pay dues. And you're probably not going to close on a decent commercial real estate property this Yom Kippur. That is fine. The savvy plastic sitter will act surprised when they walk into shul. Sitting in this section, you'll want to let people know that you had no idea that people purchase seats for the High Holidays. Advantages To the Plastic Section If you show up early enough, you can reset the plastic area to suit your needs. That means giving other people less room, and you being happy. Hence, making for a more meaningful Yom Kippur. Being that you have seat moving ability, you might want to bring an ottoman for greater relaxation. The Kohens in the Temple must've had ottomans for the Musaf service. It's long. And the plastic chair is mobile. Let’s say you want to take a break. You're sitting in the hallway with your handy dandy plastic chair. Yizkur comes and you're in the hallway looking classy with your portable sitting arrangement, while everybody else is standing. And if the services take more than twelve hours, take your seat out back for some decent relaxation and a sunbathe. Don't Be Afraid to Move Your Chair Never feel left out. If you want to be part of the action, place your plastic chair in the aisle. There's always room in the aisle. Somebody at my shul thought ahead and brought a lawn chair. He placed it right in the middle aisle. Lots of room there not being used. They had to walk around him with the Torah, but that was fine. He saved tons on that High Holiday seat, and he was able to return it to Walmart after Yom Kippur. I sat next to him. It's kind of like moving up to the dugout section at a baseball game, if the stadium didn't provide seats and you had to carry a plastic chair to the expensive section. Great way to get better value for your dollar on Yom Kippur. No Names on Chairs Write your name on the chair. It's about class. Even though you may even be bringing the chair from your house, which the financially savvy do, you should still have it assigned to you. It's part of High Holiday tradition. Sharpies work great. Don't use magic markers. Sharpies are much better, and they also bring a bit more acclaim to your plastic chair. Know Your Hebrew Name That should be what is on your chair. You don't want your chair reading, "Max the Son of Bernie Who Still Owes for His Seat." Stick Up for Yourself The plastic chair section can be a bit rough if you're not assertive. The guy in front of me last year set up his chair for his own needs. He showed up on time. During the service, he pushed the plastic chair back every chance he had. He coughed and pushed the chair back at the same time. He kept inching it back. By the end of the reading of Sefer Yona, he had a lot more space than anybody else in the shul. I was stuck doing the Mincha prayer on the balls of my feet. He was taking three full steps back, pacing during the prayers, and somehow I still got whacked in the face by the tassels when he was swinging on his Tallit (prayer shawl). Some shuls may offer portable cushioned chairs in the back section. Beware of these shuls. They may ask for a donation after the holidays. Better to sit on the floor than to fall for that bait and switch. I would also beware of doing any Mi SheBeyrach blessings for your family at these shuls. You think you're getting a deal; a free blessing for the family. Then, they spring the Tzedakah clause on you. Next thing you know, you're down eighteen dollars for caring about your family. If there is anything we learned, the plastic chair section is perfect for the thrifty Yom Kippur goer. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
If you heard the Chazin this Shabbis, that is what it’s going to be like for the High Holidays. We, the board, want to apologize. Give the rabbi a break. A little space. When he's walking, please stop following him with questions. The rabbi has stated he will file for restraining orders against congregants who have too many questions. He would also like you to know that when he's walking on the treadmill at the JCC, he does not want to have conversation. Rosh Hashana Resolutions Our Members Should Make: I will not chew with my mouth open. I won’t eat deli on the airplane, even if I brought the sandwich because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal. I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli. I will share the armrest during the High Holidays, even though the guy that sits next to me only shows up once a year. Selichot are this Saturday night. Maybe be a decent person. Maybe show up to Minyin. Maybe ask for forgiveness once in a while. Maybe mow your lawn and trim your hedges so the neighbors don’t hate you. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... To all those here. Much respect. It is Elul and it is the time to ask for forgiveness. With our Chazin, who takes way too long for everything, and this week being a double Parsha, the pain you are suffering should be an atonement. You've done a positive action for once... (Devarim 30:2-3) ‘And you will return to H’ your Gd and you will listen to His voice... And H’ will return your captive and have mercy...’ He will return us to Eretz Yisrael. We won’t have congregants following us everywhere. We’ll be redeemed from having to deal with the members of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefillah. We won’t have to deal with a Chazin who thinks it’s a good idea to do a two hour Selichot at midnight. We will be redeemed... Redemption would be great. I’m just looking for congregants to stop following me. First we return, then H' will return us to Israel. First you have to do an action... I can't do everything for your Shloimy. There is no intermediary between you and H'... I'm trying to get you to stop following me home from Shul with questions... Redemption comes after we return. You have to do something first. Then H' will help us. You have to put in a little effort, unlike the board who does nothing useful. You have to resolute. Maybe you can stop coming to me with annoying questions. Stop chewing with your mouth open. Nobody wants to sit next to you during Kiddish... H’ promises us we will do it... No, you haven’t repented. Hanging out at The Stop... Stop taking credit for hanging out with your buddies and drinking. That's not Teshuva. You have to put in some effort. Unlike the effort you put into showing up to shul on time. The effort you put into prepping for football games. Why you have the Bills Rams colors on you...You’re not even going to the game. You live nowhere near LA. Do you dress up to bother your wife?! Rosh Hashana is coming... Yes. I’m talking about Teshuva. I’m not talking about who you should pick for the game. You don’t come to shul to pray for a fantasy win... It’s going to be a painful holidays with the Chazin. Having to hear him should be our atonement. (Devarim 30:6) ‘H’ your Gd will circumcise your heart and the heart of your offspring, to love H’ your Gd, with all your heart and all your soul, that you may live.' You don't decide if you live... You decide if you do Teshuva. You decide if you're going to bother me on the treadmill. You decide if you're going to bet on a game... Make it good. Circumcision is done by Gd. You have to show Him love and try to not be annoying… Maybe decide to show up to Minyin on time. Maybe share your armrest. Circumcise a bit of your armrest, to share it… Ibn Ezra teaches that the circumcision of the heart is that Gd will remove the spiritual impediments that get in the way of full repentance. Like congregants and Bernie... H’ will assist us. After we put in some effort and return. If we don't mess up the services, He will help us get out... You have to do for yourself. Stop following me. I can't get two minutes of a Shpatzir without somebody attacking me from the side with questions about the new chapel project... Let me walk. I need a circumcision so I can walk without getting harassed by a congregant.. ‘That you may live.’ Are we truly living here? Are you living when you pick a running back and they get injured in the first quarter?!… Are you living if Sam and Bayla are chewing next to you… Teshuva helps you live. And you need to be strong to do Teshuva. Michel can’t even do Hagba. The problem is you don’t believe. (Devarim 31:6) ‘Be strong and courageous, don’t be afraid and don’t be broken from before them, for H’ your Gd, He that goes with you, will not release you and will not forsake you.’ You need a bit of belief in Gd. You have to know that He is there to circumcise you… Yes. Even after the eighth day Gd can circumcise us again… If we know Gd is there, we can be courageous and strong. We know that there will be a day where we can walk to shul without being harassed with questions about Selichot and how long Davening will be this Rosh Hashana. A day where congregants will understand that they have to show up on the second day to hear Shofar. Congregants that are smart enough to know you don’t blow on Shabbat. A day where you don’t have to answer questions about which tuna is more environmentally sound… That’s why you’re weak and you can’t do it. You have no belief. You think that you’ll be lost without a whole row to yourself. You’re too weak to share… I saw you lose the elbow fight last Sukkot... Being strong and courageous. You don’t show your strength by elbowing the guy next to you in the chest and knocking him off his chair... You have to open up the seats for other people on the High Holidays. You need to be circumcised again. Either that, or we’re going to get pews… Israel doesn’t have enough space for people to not share. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi always talks about Teshuva, repentance, on Shabbat before Rosh Hashana. The resolution message is very good. Rachel needs to hear it. She has to resolute to not talk during Davening, and to be less annoying. I think another resolution our congregation can do is to only tell decent jokes this year. The amount of time I have been stuck listening to bad jokes by Merv, it’s not right. The ‘change’ message was very good. Just change. That was the rabbi’s message to the congregants. I believe he said ‘don’t be you’ at some point. I believe that was the most important message for Sam. The message of effort went nowhere. Nobody in the shul puts in any effort. The Machzorim (High Holiday Siddurs) on Rosh Hashana were in storage. Nobody put them out. People had to go to storage during Rosh Hashana services to find the box and take a Machzor. We had people that had never been in shul before treasure-hunting prayer books in the dark. Then, they couldn’t find the key. So, random people we never saw at shul before broke down the door. I believe the rabbi's idea of redemption is not having to see congregants. The resolution ideas to resolute went nowhere. They still carry around disgusting smelling food. And they all chew so loud. With the way they hum while they eat, it’s like a wind-instrument section. You can't sit next to any of the congregants at Kiddish. And I know there will be armrest fights again at shul this Yom Kippur. The way they fight over the armrests. One turned from elbowing into a full-on wrestling match. Himelstein ended up pulling the chair out of the bolts and slamming the other guy with it. The way the fight continued was 'you only come once a year.' And then the other responded, 'That's why the rabbi likes me.' Most of the men are not used to sharing seats. They still put their stuff on every seat in the row, to ensure nobody sits next to them. One seat is there for the guy’s glasses. The Stop is a hangout for mid to late twenties. A parent opened it and figured that the clientele would get the message to stop. They were used to telling their children to stop. I know this, because they’re always yelling at their kids in shul. They figured that telling their clientele to stop before they came into the establishment would get across the message that whatever they’re doing is wrong. Anything they’re doing. They truly follow the rabbi. I saw a woman Follow him all the way to shul. I have never seen the rabbi walk so fast. Yet, she kept up with him. Her Yenta abilities are amazing. They even allow her to speed walk. She went two miles out of her way. The congregants are willing to walk an extra two miles just to share their complaints. One went on for forty five minutes about the new faucet in the bathroom, and how the handle isn’t long enough for them. One congregant followed the rabbi eight miles to ask him if she bet on the Cincinnati Bengals. I don't know how you run up to somebody on a treadmill. But they do it. The rabbi put out a restraining order on all congregants. He is finally able to go to the JCC and get a decent workout in. The rabbi has put out stay away orders to the congregants. However, that just sounded rude. So, the board left it at restraining orders. Now the rabbi has his job in perpetuity. The shul will never fire the rabbi. They’re too afraid that he’ll sue for harassment. The Chazin was painful. I am very much with the rabbi. They care about football. The members come to shul to pray for a fantasy win. This past Shabbis, the rabbi got no questions about the High Holiday services. All questions were 'who's going to win week one?' A good dozen members asked if they should pick the Jets. Mark has a Bills cape. Like he's the team superhero fan. We live nowhere near Buffalo. One of our members is going for Smicha, rabbinic ordination, now. They're looking to become a community rabbi. They asked our rabbi if they should study psychology and counseling. The rabbi suggested that he study scouting reports. That is useful. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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It's the High Holiday season and people feel bad now. They didn't feel bad last month, when they did it. Now that they're being judged for life and death, they feel worse. So, they ask for forgiveness. Here are some resolutions people make in these times of worry.
The Treating Other People Better Because It is the High Holiday Season & There is a High Sense of Guilt Resolution: For Those Who Have a Heart, who Realize that Everything They Did Last Year was Annoying I will not eat chocolate. I will not chew with my mouth open. I will not eat deli on the airplane, even if I brought the sandwich because I was worried I would not get the kosher meal. I will not eat Chinese food on the bus, because it smells almost as bad as deli. I will not bring Chinese food back from Asia, when they have it here. I will not hit the seat in front of me. This one I am saying on behalf of the person sitting behind me on my last connecting flight in Europe. I will appreciate other people more. I will spend less time with other people. I hope this helps me appreciate them. I will be honest in business. I will get ripped off by everybody. I really mean it. I will not eat chocolate. I will not make vows. I will share the armrest during the High Holidays, even though the guy that sits next to me only shows up once a year. We will have more guests in our house and give up our children’s bedroom to them. To fulfil the mitzvah of having guests, we will not give up the master bedroom, where we sleep, because we want our children to learn the importance of the mitzvah of welcoming guests. That is done by kicking the kids out of their room and having them sleep somewhere else, on the ground. It's New Year's and I know I should resolute to not eat chocolate. I will not eat Hershey's chocolate. Let's not get rid of dark chocolate. I will ask for forgiveness and tell all the people that I spoke Lashon Hara, gossip, about, that I talked about them behind their back. I will lose all my friends. Telling them that I told other people about their failed relationship and weight gain, they probably won’t like me anymore, even if everybody else talked about it; at least I will have done Teshuva. I will give chocolate to the people who I spoke Lashon Hara about, so they will like me again. The I Feel Bad About My Relationship with Gd Resolution: Because You Want a Raise You know you sinned and don't want to be punished. So, you make hasty resolutions that are contingent on you making more money... I will go to synagogue early, if I get a raise. I will meditate and pray all day long, after I get my raise. I will learn what the blessings mean, even if they are in Hebrew and all my life I've relied on the tenant that talking Hebrew is good enough for prayer, even though I don’t understand a word of it. I will say "Amen" with pride, because that is the only part of the prayers I know I am doing right. I will learn what "Amen" means. I will not space out every time I do the Amida, silent prayer. The Amida is important to me. I will also use it to pray and connect to Gd; not to think about fishing trips, business deals, or why the guy in front of me has a bowing in different directions style to his Amida. I will do Teshuva, repentance, correctly. According to the Rambam, the law requires me to say that I will never do the sin again, even if I enjoyed it. I will fulfill this law to the fullest and I will lie. I will learn more Torah. I will do it if You give me more money. If You make sure I get a raise, I will not eat chocolate. Resolutions You Make in Shul: Because the Rosh Hashana Services Are Taking Too Long I will learn how to lead services. This Chazin is taking too long. I will give more for the Rabbi’s Yizkur Appeal if his speech is shorter. I will get a better seat in shul next year. I will save up money and purchase a cushioned seat. I did not realize I would be sitting here for thirty-five hours these High Holidays. I will devote my life to peace on earth, if we can get out of the services now. If the guy is able to blow the shofar for more than twenty seconds, I will not get extremely excited and show my watch to everybody. I will not eat anymore for the whole holiday season. I feel disgusting, having to eat three meals a day, with brisket and kugel in each one. I will not eat chocolate on Yom Kippur. Don't say anything about giving Tzedakah. You might have to do it. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Rosh Hashana is here and the Jewish New Year’s means it's time to make resolutions. We don’t make vows that we will have to annul next week, before Yom Kippur. We make resolutions that we won’t follow.
It's hard to figure out what else to resolute. Other than saying "I won't eat chocolate," It's hard to figure out what to resolute. Thus, I bring you a list of possible Rosh Hashana resolutions. I heard people make these last New Year's Eve: Resolution to Lose Weight: Something About No Chocolate I will eat healthy. I believe this means quinoa. I will not eat chocolate. I will not eat cake. I will not eat. I will purchase a gym membership. I will take off weight. I will not show up to the gym. I take it back. I will not take off weight. It will not happen. To do so, I will have to skip every holiday meal for the next month. I will put on weight this year. I will try to not eat chocolate. The Success Resolution: Made By Those Who Have Aspirations to Get Something I will ask for a raise. I will try to make more money by request. I will not work harder. I will tuck in my shirt. Keeping my shirt out has held me back from getting jobs with decent pay. I am an adult. I will wear a suit and a tie. I will lose my personality. I will not say anything at work. That gets me in trouble. My personality has held me back. My personality is jeans and an untucked shirt. My kids will sleep on Shabbat afternoon, so that I can sleep. It will not happen. I will find a friend who says, "You go girl." I will wake up at 5am because a book said somebody did it and they made money. I will read Chicken Soup for the Soul. Every one of them. I will not eat chocolate, because successful people might not eat chocolate. The I Need to Do More for Me Resolution: Because Oprah, Tyra Banks & The View Said I Need to and It Is Not Selfish to Have "Me Time" I will make this the year of me. I need a year to not care about others, to find myself. I hope I don't have to see people this year. I will go on more trips. I will visit China this year. Australia for two months every year. Hike South America for four months this year. Tour Europe for six months this year. Cruise northern Canada and Alaska for a month and a half this year. This year, I will spend a sabbatical in India. I will go for me, without my kids. I will get a better job that has less vacation days, so I can go to Disney World too. I will get fired from my job for not being there, for me. I will read novels, although I haven’t finished one since our first child was born. I will pamper me. I will shop, for me, on me day. I will write the novel I wanted to on ME Day. Thank you, Whoopi. I will go to High Holidays service without a Chazin, so I can get out faster and have more "me time." I will go to the manicure, because clipping my nails is too much of a hassle. I will not eat chocolate in Disney World or Asia. Conclusion Chocolate and health are the backbone of all resolutions. If you stick to that, your resolutions will look good and you might even have more “me time” and quicker services this Rosh Hashana. Just remember to resolute. Do not vow to not eat chocolate. If I eat chocolate, I will try again next year. I will not eat. That's a good resolution. I think I can stick to that. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Tavo9/3/2023
Announcements
You can't just take over the shul and every Kavod you want. This announcement is meant for Shloimy. You can't take over the Amud and start leading. There are mourners. They have a Chiyuvs. That means, they lead prayers. Not Shloimy. From now on, people have to be asked to do Kibudim, honors. People cannot honor themselves and say they were honored. Being honored is when somebody else honors you. If you're blowing the shofar, please practice. People can't help but to laugh at a bad shofar blow. It sounds like you're sitting behind Bernie and he's bending. And Bernie should not bend in shul. If somebody wants to take a Kavod, here are Kavods you can take: Helping set up Kiddish. Cleaning the shul before Shabbis. Being one of the first ten at Minyin. Visiting the sick during your free time. Mow the shul’s lawn. Paying your dues on time. That's a Kavod most members of the shul have not taken yet. Selichot are coming up next Saturday night. The Chazin will be doing his thing. You'll want to avoid shul from midnight till 1:30am. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. You bring your first fruits to Jerusalem... I understand your neighbors are important. You can make them a fruit basket… Your first fruits go to Jerusalem... And you have to give Maaser too. I know it's painful to tithe. The office hasn’t received your money for a chair this Yom Kippur… You don't make random decisions and just take the food like you took over Davening and the honor of opening the ark. There are rules… You only give a dollar to the Tzedakah box at shul. H’ wants more than that. (Devarim 26:13-15) After you tithe you say before H', 'I have removed the holy from the house, and I have given to the Levis, the convert, the orphan and the widow, like all You have commanded me. I have not transgressed any of the Mitzvot, and I have not forgotten...' You would have to lie, Shaindel... You don't keep the Mitzvot… Not Mark Levi. The tribe of Levi... I know Mark takes credit for everything and oversteps every Kavod in shul… It’s about first giving to others and appreciating.... Before H' means Jerusalem. Not Topeka. But you can say it in Netanya if you're stuck… I am not going to lie. Your shofar blowing needs work. You should be saying to H’, ‘I have transgressed practicing…’ Your blowing sounds funny. It's messed up... Of course we laugh. Not at you. At the Shofar being blown bad. It sounds like Bernie bending... Yes. You blew it. Then we ask H' to look upon us and bless us... You first have to do Mitzvahs. You first don’t don’t mess up. Maybe if you didn't sin all the time… I said nothing about Donald Trump... What does Trump have to do with first fruits and tithing… No. Stop blaming him for you having to give Tzedakah and tithing... Donald Trump does not have to bring Bikurim… You can't take from mourners. That doesn't lead to blessing. You would have to say, ‘I have transgressed the Mitzvot of taking away Shacharis from Tzvi.’ You took the Amida for Mincha... There were mourners... I know I was late. They weren't... You guys share nothing. The Anim Zemirot kids are bullies. And the ark opener… The kid is kindergarten. Your kid should share with the other five year old… They’re not Aveylim. They’re not mourning. They’re in nursery school. Share… You can't be the Gabai and the Chazin. You decided it should be you. If you give yourself it's not an honor. You have to be asked for it to be an honor... I know you give yourself a lot of Kavod… Shloimy. You kicked him off the Bima… They lost their dad. You don’t kick them off the stage for leading… He’s not a Chazin. He’s got a Chiyuv. And nobody likes when you lead Shloimy… Then why are you always leading?! You ask yourself. You walk around to your seat and ask you. Then you say yes… Rivka's Rundown The rabbi had everybody rolling with the ‘you blew it’ line. They just took over. The rabbi wasn't there and they took over. One guy sat in the rabbi's seat. I don't even think we need a Gabai. People just take Kavods. People take stuff. Pesukei Dzimra. Shacharit. Nobody asked them. They took it. Even when Shloimy isn’t there, somebody takes it. I don't think we need a Gabai. One guy went up for an Aliyah. No name. Wasn’t called. Just went up and did Barchu. One guy started teaching a class. One of the women took over the sisterhood. She has the bank account. Nobody else has access. It’s hers. She took it. One guy took a couch and started sleeping on it. One guy did a program in the parking lot. Started a BBQ on shul premises. Nobody needs to tell our members to take initiative. One guy took . And the Anim Zemirot. We have 7 year olds claiming their Kavod. The problem is nobody questions anything. They are that oblivious to tradition. One guy started reading the Qur'an. Some members thought it was a Torah commentary. That class went on for a month, before they realized the guy taking initiative was an imam. One guy took the rabbi's seat at Kiddish. Just sat there. Rabbi wasn't there. He took initiative and became rabbi for the day. Nobody said anything. They assumed the guy was the new rabbi. Nobody took the available Kavod of cleaning the sanctuary. Simcha said he would do it, but the shul wasn't willing to put up a plaque for his helping. Then the Gabai calls himself up. His job is to make sure people are called up. Then he calls himself up. The rabbi stopped him when he started to take the second Aliyah too. A whole letter was sent to every congregant to reiterate the message of giving other people Kavods. The message: You have to share Kibudim even when the rabbi is not around. It turns out nobody got the letter. And nobody wants to share. Sharing Anim Zemirot is not happening. People have to laugh at bad Shofar blowing. At Minyin this week, it sounded like the shofar blower let one rip. Sorry. I had to say it. After the blow one guy yelled ‘doorknob’ and started hitting his friend until he finished saying LDavid H’ Ori. Everything the rabbi says comes back to Trump. Anything about sinning, some of the congregants jump to Trump. One of the women forgot to pay the town school tax. She blamed Trump. Middle of rabbi’s sermon, she yelled out Trump. It’s a tick a lot of people in our congregation have developed. Anything that goes wrong, they yell Trump. The members never give more than a dollar to Tzedakah at shul. The Tzedakah box goes around, they can put in a 20. They’re taking back 19. I think they just give Tzedakah to get change. One of our members parks at a meter every Shabbis. It’s very embarrassing. The only day she wants to give Tzedakah is on Shabbis, when it’s forbidden. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXV9/1/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the JNF Tzedakah box, children being allowed to choose what they eat, and other ways of extorting money from your children like My First Lotto, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger about giving Tzedakah to Israel, and how he feels about putting roof scraps on a grave of holy rabbi. The stone shortage is a real thing.
The JNF Tzedakah box. One of Israel’s artifacts. The foundation of Israel fundraising. The Jewish National Fund as been doing it for well over fifty years. They were already finding ways to extort money from your child in the first grade then... This is why kids were asking parents for money in the 40s too. (photo: collection of Avraham Goren- in the Forward
What your kid bought at the canteen when the camp gave them a tab. They did give your child the salad bar option. Yet, your child chose this... How your child came back from sports camp fifteen pounds heavier... Why camp cost you an extra 2K. How you went broke, sending your kid away for three weeks… What allowing a nine-year-old to have a tab can do. (photo: Incase/Flickr)
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Nusachs are the style of prayer, the chosen hymns, the way the tunes sound, and why other communities are wrong.
How Nusachs started. People were mad at other people in their community, so they threw in extra prayers to get back at them. And thus we have what is known as the Siddur. What makes different Nusachs unique is the question we shall deal with. Other than a psalm, it is hard to differentiate many Nusachs. After much research on Wikipedia, this is what I gathered. Nusach Ashkenaz This is the general European Nusach. Hence, most Europeans don’t use it. Tunes vary from ancient religious melodies to Simon and Garfunkel and Metallica. You might also find some Shlomo Carlebach tunes and Mordechai Ben David melodies mixed in with Debbie Friedman and Sting. At the heart of this Nusach is messed up harmony. Stuff that sounds off. Congregants join in with the Jewish Sting and Police melodies for the cantor's repetition of the Amidah (known as Chazaras HaShas), and they end up singing another song. A totally different song. This is then called harmony. And it sounds wrong. Even so, the Ashkenaz congregant takes pride in this. Sometimes even in operatic form. Melodies that don't fit the words of the text during the cantor's repetition is another strong identifying characteristic of the Ashkenaz Nusach. In a proper Ashkenaz service, the words do not match the tune. Fitting many words into one note of a Mordechai Ben David melody is what the skilled Ashkenazi Chazin does. English readings have made their way into the Ashkenaz Nusach, as they felt it important that the congregants understand a paragraph or two over the course of the three hour Shabbat morning service. Nusach Taiman This Nusach is focused on saying the letter 'Eyin' correctly. That is the signifying characteristic of the Yemenite Nusach. More passionate than Ashkenaz Nusach, it looks like they actually know what they are saying. Do they? I don't know. But it does look like they care. Based mainly on the Rambam, this is the only Nusach not based on hatred of other groups of Jews. Then other Yemenite Jews started with the Shami version Siddur, which is based on Sefardic Siddurs. This basically means saying Shir Hashirim (Song of Songs) more often. Why the Shami version began? Somebody didn't get an Aliyah one day. As they felt they should've been called up to the Torah, they said, 'That's it. Enough of this. I'm starting my own Nusach.' And they started their own Nusach. They tried pronouncing the 'Eyin' like an 'Aleph' but they couldn't. So, it sounds like the other Nusach Taiman. Nusach Sefarad Similar to Nusach Ashkenaz, they add in a few words here and there to throw you off. The goal of this Nusach is to make it harder to say Kaddish and Kedusha. They had to be different. So, they took the AriZal's Kabbalah and Ashkenaz and mixed it with Sefardic Nusach. Why it's called Nusach Sefarad, I can't tell you. I believe those who started Nusach Sefarad were the first ones bullied in Israel, being called 'Ashkenazim KaZeh.' Meaning 'Ashkenazi like this,' somehow that hurts. Chasidim use Nusach Sefarad to spite the Mitnagdim. They adopted much of the Sefardic prayer style, but never adopted saying Selichot all of the month of Elul. They left that part out. Why they kept that part of the Ashkenaz Nusach, people are still trying to figure out. The Siddur is very similar to the Eidut Mizrach Siddur, but the tunes more closely resemble the Ashkenazi HipHop melodies of Cypress Hill. If you're lucky, a song might even break into a Carlebach jump dance, or an uncomfortable impromptu Jewish circle. Nusach HaAri I think that's the same as Nusach Sefarad. It just sounds more spiritual to say that. Chabad calls it Nusach Ari. It's Nusach Sefard. They must have not been happy with the other Chasidim, hence Nusach HaAri. Eidut Mizrach Real Sefardic Nusach. Also known as Sefardi, these are the real Sefardim. But they're not from Sefarad. We can thank the Ottoman Empire for this Nusach. Livorno printed many of the Siddurim in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. They had a good print shop there, and thus the Nusach. If they had a Kinkos in Tunisia, it would've been the Kinkos Tunis Nusach. But they did not have a decent print shop in Tunisia. As much as the Tunisians should take pride in their couscous and barakas, Livorno had the print shop. The greatest indications of Nusach Eidut Mizrach: a) The whole Minyin is saying everything out loud. They were never able to decide on a Chazin. So, each member sitting at the Minyin thinks they're running the thing. b) The Torah is impossible to do Hagba with, as it's housed in a beautiful round casing that is much bulkier than the Ashkenaz Torah. Hence, the person lifting the Torah will be hugging it and doing whatever he can to make sure it doesn't fall. This is unlike the Ashkenaz Hagba, where the guy is lifting the Torah, tossing it and twirling it on his finger, trying to show how many columns he can open with one hand. c) You will also be told Chazak uBaruch, as opposed to Yashkoyach, as they believe in you the same way Moshe and H' believed in Yehoshua. They will say it very loud, just in case you were about to doze a bit after your Aliyah. d) They also like to say Shir HaShirim a lot. Then, each community has their own custom. We will just call it Eidut HaMizrach, because it's all the same, and we accept the fact that we're racist. Nusach HaGra This is used mainly in Israel. The Vilna Gaon, the Gra, took out the prayer of Baruch H' from Maariv. And to this day he is considered the greatest of the Gaons. He saved us a minute and fifteen seconds, and thus we celebrate him in Ashkenazik Jewry. Though he was not in favor of the Chasidic movement, The Gra did adopt the custom of skipping the prayer. Again, making him the wisest of his time, and one of the greatest rabbis of all time. The great Gaon he is, he knew, sometimes you have to compromise. There are other Nusachs. Nusach Eretz Yisrael, based on the Jerusalem Talmud, turned into the Ashkenazi schools, which each country did differently. Nusach Sefardi and Eidut Mizrach follows the format taught in the Talmud Bavli. And all the Nusachs agree you should Daven. From what I learned, the other people’s Nusach is wrong. If they’re not Davening your Nusach, it is generally accepted Nusach to yell at them. Lesson Learned: If you're ever mad at somebody in your community, start your own Nusach. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Teitzei8/27/2023
Announcements
High Holiday seats are for sale now. To get good ones, near the back of the shul, near the door, away from the rabbi and the Chazin, you should purchase them soon. The price on the seats next to quick escape routes will be going up soon. Warning: We have a new Chazin. Please don't sit next to anybody at daily Minyin. The regulars have complained that people are showing up to Minyin. The members of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah don't like when people sit next to them. Do not move the watches and coats. Watches and coats need seats. So, please don't complain if you see a watch on a chair. There are chairs people and chairs for time pieces. Kaddish is off still. The sound coach made it worse. Now some of the members think they can sing. That is not good for anybody. The rabbi has ordained that from now on, Kaddish can only be chanted. Not sung. For good gas prices in the area, BJ's. They're the best. Bridge event will be taking place at shul this Sunday. The shul will finally be full. Even congregants are planning to show. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 22:1-3) 'You shall not see your brother's donkey or sheep cast off and hide yourself from them; you shall return them... If your brother is not near you and you don't know him, then gather it into your house... and return it to him. And so shall you do for his donkey, and so shall you do for his clothing, and so shall you do for any lost article of your brother... and you shall not hide yourself.' You borrowed clothes from the shul clothes drive. Never gave them back, Rivki... You're hiding the clothes. We know it... I don't know how this guy doesn't know his brother. The donkey is not related. It's just that it's his donkey, so you help it... You should help a donkey too. I read the whole thing, because none of you help. You don't hide yourself from helping. From being useful. You don't hide. From giving Tzedakah, you don't hide. Unless if the guy needs the money. Then they start knocking on your door and showing up. From being on time to Minyin, you don't hide. From Melvin's extremely bad jokes, you don't hide... He needs somebody to tell them to. You don't hide?! You cross the street when members of the shul are coming... We know you see us... The way you guys hide from helping... Saying 'hello' is helpful. It helps people have a decent day. That's why you guys don't do it. I have seen you in the corner, Shmuel. Hiding behind a chair... You're sixty-three years old. It was like you were playing hide-and-seek from volunteering... You're sixty-three. Help. (Devarim 22:4) 'You shall not see your brother's donkey or ox fall on the road and hide yourself from it; you shall stand it up with him.' Why the Torah needs to tell you to help. To not be a selfish... Commandments to help. Yes... I know it's scary. You don't help. I don't know why the donkeys and oxen... No. They didn't have cars then. If somebody needs help with a car. You help them... Yes. You stand it up. You should be working out... You're too weak to be helpful. At Kiddish, you've never taken out a soda. It's as if the two liter bottles are too heavy for you. And the seltzer... The seltzer is one liter... They're all volunteers. They all pay dues... Your watch is on the seat two down from you. You have to buy two seats for the High Holidays. If you don't want anybody sitting next to you, because you're not helpful and selfish, you have to buy two seats... Maybe your children would show up if you bought them seats. You buy them tickets to the Peacock games... Nobody on that team helps. They're the worst football team... If somebody lost their High Holiday seats, you return it to them... All Jews are brothers. If you see it that way, you'll help. You don't see each other as brothers... I know you hate your siblings... You can't hide from helping people. That's the point. You can't hide from saying hello... We see you turn your head. Then, when you do say 'Hi' to them, they don't like you... They say 'Hi' back because they're not jerks like you. They know you're only saying hi now because you want to make your way to the babka... Helping somebody play bridge. I don't know if that's a Mitzvah. Your Kaddish is helping nobody. It hurts. Hearing you mess it up hurts. That's not a Mitzvah... (Devarim 22:8) A man can't wear woman's clothing and woman can't wear a man's clothing... No. Sima is not wearing men's clothes. Her dress is just ugly. The pattern is messed up. I know it looks off... Yes. You would have to return that dress as well. If you found it on the side of the highway, like Sima did, you would have to return it to her... Even if it's ugly... Help. Every once in a while, be a useful individual. Rivka’s Rundown Now that was a good message. 'Help.' People in our congregation need to hear that. Some of the membership was shocked and complained to the board that the rabbi's message was offensive, and they should never be asked to help. Some of the members didn't show up to shul for a month after the sermon, in fear they'll be asked to volunteer. The whole sermon there was a kid screaming outside. Not one person got up to help them. It turns out they fell and broke their arm. Some congregants never come. They only make it for the High Holidays and bridge events. What they have in common? They only happen once a year, and Bernie never gives up his seat. More Jews showed up to the bridge tournament than shul. If we would just have a card game in the chapel, people would show up for Minyin. The membership truly only wants to know decent gas prices. That's why they come to shul. The office gets calls every day for where a decent place to get gas is. BJ's definitely has the best deal. They used to come for doctors. But now the doctors at shul are asking for copays to talk to them at Kiddish. I do pray the rabbi's new rule of chanting only holds up. The people can't hold a tune. I believe the song teacher quit the profession after working with out congregants. She said the congregants convinced her that she has no song teaching abilities. To quote, 'I can't even teach Bernie to hold a note for two seconds.' Some congregants speed through Kaddish, liken they're trying to lose the other mourners. It's not right. What people will do to not have to sit next to somebody else in our shul. The fact the board had to make the announcement to not sit next to people. You can't sit next to some of these older guys in the shul. It seems like each decade they add to their life, they take up another twelve feet of chair. This is why I'm against the new pews they're planning to put in the shul. Each person will take a bench. It will move from a 480 seat shul to a fifty seat shul. We should just have chairs spaced ten feet apart. They truly do take up rows. His hat has a seat too. I thought they were all selfish. You see a chair with a Kippah on it. But then who wants to sit next to Bernie. I don't want to talk about Sima's dress. Not the nicest thing. They just don't want to help. To quote Malki, 'If we all pay dues, why are we all the ones that have to work?! I'm going to start eating out. You don't have to volunteer at a restaurant. Restaurants are cheaper, and they clean up the place.' People are so not helpful in our community. Somebody was sick. They asked them to make chicken soup for the congregation. Pathetic. What our membership will do to not help. One guy started crying. He had a temper tantrum when the rabbi asked him to help put the Schach on the Sukkah last year. Putting out the Machzorim, people run. Just a meaningful Parsha. The holding onto it lesson was also meaningful. I think it's time I returned the Game Boy I borrowed when I was fifteen. 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The Rambam gives us beautiful insight into how to give Tzedakah. This is found in the Mishnah Torah Laws of Gifts to the Poor 10:7-14. Let's delve.
Level 8: The giver is pained by the act of giving Who doesn't hate giving?! Known simply as Tzedakah, this is when you give charity. For instance, when somebody is in need, and you do a kind deed and give them money to help them out. When you take that money and give it, you feel a sharp pain in your shoulder, known as kindness. This also known as dues. Level 7: They give less than they should but does so cheerfully Of course they're cheerful, they're barely giving anything. They're saving money on this. This is when they come around with the Tzedakah box at shul and you put in a dollar. I've never seen anybody put more than a dollar into the Pushke box. Level 6: Gives after being solicited This is when you're stuck at a red light and a stranger knocks on your window. You're scared. To ward off the potential threat, you pull out a dollar and get them angrier. This is also when a stranger comes to your front door. You give them money in fear they'll break in. Then they see you have a wallet and you end up giving more. Level 5: Donor gives without being solicited This never happens. I've been on a member of congregations around the world. This has never happened. The closest thing to this is when you get a calendar for Rosh Hashanah, and you feel bad that these people have been chasing you for eighteen years. So, you give them Chai dollars. Eighteen dollars of generousness. You feel you've done your job in helping purchase a house for the homeless children in Israel. If it ever does happen, if somebody donates from their heart, you'll find out. There will be a plaque. Level 4: Recipient knows the donor but donor doesn't know recipient You'll know who you gave it to when you get nasty looks at shul for being cheap. Level 3: Donor knows the recipient but recipient doesn't know donor You give money and you're constantly asking yourself why this guy can't get a job. And then they end up pledging two-hundred dollars for Maftir. Level 2: Neither donor nor recipient knows the other Somebody else is stealing this money. Level 1: Donor gives recipient the wherewithal to be self-sustaining This is the highest level of charity, as you're not even giving charity. Hence, it's also the most beloved form of Tzedakah. The greatest way to help somebody according to our rabbis is not to give them the fish, but to teach them how to fish. You give them an activity to get their mind of the fact that they're broke. Help them escape from their messed up lives for a few minutes with something to do. Maybe they'll forget they're hungry. Nowhere does the Rambam say to give a lot of Tzedkah. He knows nobody will do that. Tithing is also not mentioned as a level here. He knows. The greatest level, which the Rambam doesn't mention, is when there is a building put up with your name on it. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Shoftim8/21/2023
Announcements
No more cursing people under your breath, especially when it's loud. When Michi does a breath out, he's mad. We are noting that to all in the congregation, as some members thought Michi likes them. He doesn't. He did a breath out the other day when the babka was taken out too early. He is actually cursing you out when he does the breath out. We are sorry about the visitor. His Kaddish was not in tune and not on beat with our shul's cadence. Baruch leads the Kaddish. We must follow him, even though it's very slow and tedious and kind of makes you want to not live. Let's not blame the guest for everything. Kaddish in our shul is still not on beat and without unison, without the guest. A special consultant singer will be coming this week to teach our congregants how to be in unsion for Kaddish. They will also choose who the Chazin leader will be. BE"H it will not be Baruch. He is so off tune. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... The Layner took a long time today... You were reading from the Torah. You were not asked to meditate over it. And then the Haftorah. I feel like I'm sitting through Yom Kippur here... And Yom Kippur is coming soon... It's Elul, Baruch. You should feel guilty. Teshuva. You have too much. That's the problem... (Devarim 17:15-19) When you have a king, they should not have too many horses. Not too many wives. Not too much money. And he shall 'write for himself two copies of the Torah...' And they should not have a Layner that takes too much time... Mishneh. Two. You don't lose copies?! After every one of my classes, I see sheets laying around. Mishnah is to also learn. Two copies. To learn them... He should learn it. The king is not looking for a second job as a scribe. He should learn it. 'And he shall read it all of his days.' Reading is learning... We call it learning. You don't read Torah. You learn it. You learn it out loud. Learning is out loud... Learning is learning. That means reading. Learn how to say Kaddish right... Yes. A more upbeat Kaddish. Kaddish is about celebrating life. Not hearing Baruch dying... It sounds like you're dying. That's how slow your Kaddish is... Why learn it? Why all this not having too much? 'So that he will learn to fear H' his Gd, to observe all of the words of the Torah...' It's because you don't learn. And you have too many horses. Equestrianism is Asur... Then just have one horse. Does your family need a third car?! You have too much stuff. The one thing you don't have too much of is Jewish values. I said it... No more under breath cursing. When you curse somebody under your breath, they hear you. They hear your under-breath cursing... You whisper very loud, Michi.... You called him an idiot... You don't learn the Torah under your breath. Because then it would sound like you're cursing the Torah. H' doesn't want kings cursing the Torah... Your breath out is offensive too. Even when you suck in the stuff between your teeth it sounds offensive... Use a toothpick. (Devarim 17:20) 'So that his heart doesn't become haughty.' It's about values. Haughtiness does not go along with Torah values. Having a lot and Layning very slow do not go along with Torah values. Your breath out is a haughty heart.... Cause you expect stuff. You expect Chazins to not take 18 minutes for Haftorah... You're not making Challah... You're not breathing out for your health. It's like you expect something. Kings should not breath out either. The Layner made me want to do a breath out... And it shortens you days. Haughtiness and having too much stuff shortens your days. As does being the rabbi of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah. When you have too much your days are shortened... Because you have to take care of the horses. Donations... Rivka’s Rundown The rabbi just ended on 'donations.' A non sequitur. I think he's prepping for the Yizkur Appeal. Yom Kippur is where the rabbi shines. And he knows how good he does based on the money that they flip on the cards. He would judge the success based on the money that comes into the shul. But people pledge a lot more than they donate. The announcements always have spelling mistakes. 'Unsion.' I have no idea what that means. The shul Kaddish tune is off. It's a weird one. One guy made it up and he forces everybody to follow. Truth is, it's impossible to get the Kaddish sayers in unison in our shul. They all mourn their own way, and it is very loud. Who was the guest? That's a Chutzpah. You come into a shul and you learn the Kaddish cadence. Got to keep quiet and learn our shul tune, then join the Kaddish. It's a real damper on the mourning process when a random throws off the Kaddish. I don't know what it is. Everybody has their own beat. We need a metronome for our shul Kaddish. Truth is, I think the guest was the only one who was in tune and on beat. The rabbi did a step away during his sermon- a great move. It added a good amount of drama. Then he stepped back to the lectern and people stopped listening again. The congregants got the wrong idea. They thought that now they're kings. The rabbi should've never taught them lessons from kings. Now, they all park in the disabled parking spot. Michi breathes out all the time. He did a huge breath out when the guy took the coffee off the coffee maker too soon. It's either a breath out or straight up curse. I would rather the straight up curse. With some of the older members of the congregation, you have no idea what they're saying. Some curse people with blessing them. One woman always says, 'She should live and be well.' That's when she hates them. I learned that's a curse, as she said, 'Michi should live and be well.' I hope it's not Lashon Hara. Michi is a good guy. Just an angry guy. Davening is taking way too long. I almost had to do a breath out. 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This month we focused on puns solely by Rabbi Mendel.
Why did their pet follow Halacha? It was a Chukat. You get it? Kat. Cat. A Chok is a law. Chukat HaTorah means 'law of the Torah.' It was a cat that followed Halacha. For the pun to truly hit, it should be 'Chukkat.' We would’ve went with Chokat, but that isn’t correct Hebrew or the name of the Parsha. They counted the people to make census of it. You get it? Census. Sense. It makes sense to take a census. They took a census in the Parsha. Sometimes you have to use all five senses to make sense of a census. Tisha BAv is a sad day. That's why many people Daven early in mourning. You get it? Morning. Mourning. In the morning we do the Shacharit prayer. We left out the word 'the.' Correct grammar would kill the pun. If delivered by an Israeli, this pun sounds brilliant. Maybe try it with an Israeli accent. The day before Tisha BAv went very slow. It wasn't a fast day. You get it? Tisha BAv is a fast day, so it goes quickly. Fast meaning fast. Whereas the day before Tisha BAv is not a fast day, so it goes slow. You don't fast on slow days. He went to a speed dating event on Tu BAv. It went all night. Nobody slept. You get it? Speed is a drug. It also can cause insomnia. It can cause tremors. Don't do drugs. Some things are more important than jokes. Their pet took them to The Mountains and jumped from tree to tree. She wanted to show them the cat-skills. You get it? The Catskills. Cat skills. Pets do tricks there to show off their skills. Jews go to the Catskills in the summer. Most Jews don't have pets. It was visiting day. There are mountains in the Catskills. Just to be clear. They were jumping for joy when they heard it was time for gaga. You get it? Gaga is to be foolishly enthusiastic. They were playing gaga at camp. Lost the game, but they were overly excited. They went gaga for the game. The game was gaga. Two different gagas. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I was at a friend's house and noticed that they had no books out. The house did not look Jewish. They had a gazebo. It looked a bit like a Sukkah without walls or Schach. Could've been Jewish, but it wasn't. You want your house to be Jewish, you need Sefarim (books). You need books that look Jewish.
They had a computer. They said the Torah is on it. I didn't see it. I saw an apple on it. No matter how much you use Sefaria, a computer does not look like a Sefer. They had some of those modern books about Jewish recipes. Those don't look like a Sefer. So, how should a Jewish book look? That is the question and we shall answer that for my friend. Dark Blue, Maroon or Brown All books should be brown. A maroonish brown that looks a bit dark blue in the sun. Grey is not a religious color. Your books should not be green. No fluorescent colors either, unless if you're crossing the street with them at night. Gold Trimming On The Cover Very important. Gold trimming looks religious. It encases the book in religion. I don't know how gold trimming became religious. Nonetheless, it's the most Frum thing in our religion next to using tinfoil. Feldheim might be behind this. Inside Should Look Old It should look like it was written eight hundred years ago, and been through every war the Jewish people have endured. It should look like it's been carried through battle. If it's new, you should've spilled coffee on it already. No English Just Hebrew books. You should not understand what you're reading. Good Jews have a penchant for reading stuff they don't understand, and that makes them feel good. It brings happiness and connects them with Gd. Aramaic is allowed, as it's written in Hebrew and you don't understand it. Same with Yiddish. Yiddish written in English, Asur. You can have English for Kiruv reasons. Kiruv is bringing Jews closer to Yiddishkeit. Now I have to translate Yiddishkeit. Yiddishkeit is Judaism. For Kiruv reasons, you can also have a TV, a computer, and hit the dance clubs. No Pictures on The Cover Is this a Tom Clancy novel? No. It's Torah. If you have a kids' section to your library this is fine. For Kiruv reasons, you can have a book with pictures too. Non-educated Jews need pictures. If it's a story about a rebbe the book can be in English and you're allowed to have a picture on the cover. This is a Heter (exemption) the rebbes came up with. Nonetheless, all pictures in the book should be in black and white, and everybody should have a beard. Kippahs on All Pictures Kids' books should only have pictures of boys with Kippahs. We're educating the next generation here. If the child isn't Jewish, they should have a Kippah. All shopkeepers should have Kippahs as well. Even if you're not used to seeing Frum Jews work on cars, the mechanic has a yarmulke. Flight attendants have Kippahs. Factory staff has yarmulkes, even if it's not a Matzah factory. Your child should not be exposed to non-yarmulke people, even in written form. Books Numbered by Daily Readings As you've adopted a Kiruv section into your library, you have found a way to make it permissible to have English Sefarim. All English books should be written in day order. Frum Jews don't read in chapters or pages. We're not good with decisions. We read in day form. This is the reason for the new industry of day readers. It all started with Daf Yomi. Books shouldn't have readers trying to figure out how much to read. It gets very complicated trying to figure out how much you should accomplish in a day. Your Sefarim should give that information to you. It's Bitul Zman (wasting time) trying to figure out how much you should learn in an afternoon. You might end up reading a chapter, and then you're stuck having figuring out what to do tomorrow. It's a nightmare. One should never know of such things. It all leads to Bitul Zman. All Books Need Haskamas Also known as a letter of approbation. I used English here to make it harder to understand. And that is why this article is OK to read. Haskamas allow you to read the book. The less pages of authored work the better. You want at least fifty percent of the book to be permission to read the book. If it's a really good Jewish text, the whole work should be Haskamas. This is why I don't learn Torah. There are no Haskamas. If it's a kids' book, be sure to have it Haskamas with pictures and Kippahs. The real question is if you should read the part of the book that is not Haskamas. I have told my congregants that is Asur. If all you have is a computer, make sure it's a maroonish brown color. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Re'eh8/13/2023
Announcements
Davening wait between Mincha and Maariv will be 43 minutes. It's on the calendar. People have been asking us why it's on the calendar. That is not our concern. We can't answer that. It is on the calendar. Therefore it's the right time. To answer your questions: We don't know who put it on the calendar. We will also be celebrating the Simchawitz wedding a week early. Our scheduling team messed up the time on the calendar. Hence, the Simchawitzs are cancelling their hall reservation, and rescheduling. Phil shaved. It's him. He just has a double chin now. We are stopping the Shul Wordle. It's too complicated for our membership. The word was 'dues' and nobody got it. 'On-time' was the other word nobody could figure out. Class this week is on why you are going broke on summer camp. We will discuss canteens and how much you're willing to pay to not have to see your kids for the summer. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 12:12) 'And you shall be happy before H".' Happy. A commandment to be happy. To not spend time with the congregants of Beis Kneses Beis Emes uSefilah... I look to the front left and I get depressed. Your whole section exudes depression... (Devarim 12:14) 'Only in the place that H' chooses... there you will bring your elevation offerings and there you will do all that I command you.' Like not having random card nights in the chapel. How a bridge game happened there is beyond me. I walked in to see you playing bridge... Paper football is fine. You can play paper football in the chapel. Paper football is a Jewish game... Yes. That's in Jerusalem. You can't sacrifice in Topeka. That would be plane animal cruelty... We're doing a good job of not being happy here. I can tell you that I fulfill the Mitzvah every day. With the Finkelwitz Kiddish... There was no Babka. We can't be happy... When I come to Minyin and I have to listen to Shmuel leading, I'm not happy... Your voice is horrendous. We have to be happy. Yet. There are rules. Jerusalem is one... You can be happy in Topeka, just now with sacrifices or with our membership... With the congregants in the front left, you can't be happy. It's not a commandment to not be happy, You just can't bring sacrifices here... Sacrifices truly make you happy. Sacrifices could maybe put a smile on Avital's face... Meat makes us happy. Exactly. Why did you shave? You look like an idiot... I could've told you. You don't shave. There is stuff under there. You had no idea. Now, you smile and it looks weird. You smiling without your beard looks scary... I can tell you. Driving to shul is not keeping Gd's commandments. You have down the part of not being good Jews outside of Yerushalayim... I know it makes you happy. I'm not happy, because we are in Topeka. Not Jerusalem... Of course you have to do Mitzvot here. It just means nothing... You can be happy here. You're just no before H'... Not with the wait between MIncha and Maariv. Not with Baruch sitting in the front left. Who's the idiot that is making us wait forty-three minutes?... This is why we're not happy. This random calendar was put together fifty-six years ago, and now we have to stick to it... That is not tradition. That is a mistake. They based it on the solar calendar. It's not even a Jewish calendar. Yom Kippur does not fall out on September 25th every year... Yes. The Finkelwitzs are happy they got rid of their kid for the summer. And I am happy the shul Wordle is finally over. You can be happy. You just can't eat. (Devarim 12:18) 'You will eat before H' in the place H' chooses.... and you will be happy before H".' There are places to be happy. That is Jerusalem. Not here. Not with a forty-three minute Mincha Maariv. And Phil's double chin does not make anybody happy. Cover it up. You scared the kids... You can be happy here. It's just that you can't. Not with the front left. Can we be happy no in Jerusalem? Can we be happy in Topeka? With a congregation that doesn't even know how to play Wordle? Can you be happy in Jerusalem with our membership? No... The word was 'on-time.' If it was 'late' you would've gotten it. If it was 'drink alcohol before Musaf' you would've gotten it. If it was You can't be happy at camp, not in Jerusalem, when you're paying 12K for three weeks. Certain activities you do make you happy... Not seeing Phil without a beard makes me happy... Rivka’s Rundown The parents are truly not happy spending 12K a kid for camp. That's what makes it a Mitzvah. It's a way for them to feel the mourning of the Temple. They had a paper football tournament during Davening. Now you can't even concentrate for prayers in the chapel. Constant paper football playing going on. Since the rabbi's sermon, paper football is tantamount to learning Torah and living in Jerusalem. I had no idea it was Phil. He's a different man without the beard. The beard truly works for Phil. It's an excellent fat camouflage for him. The rabbi finally called somebody an idiot. I have been waiting for that for years. Messed up Davening times. They're fools. The 'on the calendar' thing is getting very annoying. They miswrote the wedding. The Simchawitz family had to pay eight thousand dollars for that faux-pa. 'It's on the calendar, so we do it.' That's the decision of the board. I am assuming that fifty years ago, the board members were just as dumb as they are now. The calendar got the date for Rosh Hashana wrong. The board almost decided to celebrater Rosh Hashana a week early. The shul Wordle game was a very frustrating project. That's all people were doing during the week. At least those discussions stopped me from having to hear about their children and their lawns. Everybody has been talking about their lawns this summer. And they all look disgusting. Unmowed. Trees not trimmed. Phil took more off his face than the Feinblooms took off their lawn. I couldn't believe nobody got 'on-time.' I can tell we didn't get a Minyin till 10:15am that day. The rabbi was waiting a very long time for people to show up. To make people happy, the rabbi decided we're going to have a weekly gaga game on Shabbis afternoons, before Shalishudis. Gaga makes people happy. I think it's the whacking the ball at other members of the shul that you can't stand. It brings a smile to your face. The rabbi said, 'We're not in Jerusalem, and we can't sacrifice animals. Even so, we can be happy if we hurt each other.' The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I was asked this question: My child is asking for more money. We spent nine thousand dollars on camp and now they need more money. How did the Jewish summer camp canteens start? Is it Jewish tradition to take a lot of money from parents?
I will answer this by taking you on the journey of Jewish history and the development of the canteen. It is definitely Jewish tradition to put on weight. Is it tradition to spend nine thousand dollars on three weeks of camp? Let's delve into how it all began. The First Canteens Canteens started back in the seventh century. People used these bottles to hold water. They first tried using them for alcohol back in the 1300s, but they found that it was hard to sneak in full size canteens to bars. Thus, the introduction of flasks; also known as small canteens for people who don't have to go to work. Canteens Are for Drinking Circa 1982, Jews realized that nobody likes drinking water. Jews had not hiked for millennia, and this water was not quenching the necessary thirst of the suburban Jew. So, they started putting what they call bug juice into the canteens. People loved the new juice, as did cicadas. There Was an Issue In 1983, for some reason, though they were drinking out of canteens, the Jewish campers were more sluggish and heavier. The question of 'why' came up, but they couldn't figure out the issue. The campers complained, 'I can't carry this thing. It's too much.' They asked the camp rabbi and the rabbi said that it's hard work for children to carry canteens. To quote: 'Jewish children should not have to work so hard. And the bug juice should be cold. This stuff is room temperature. This is not right for our Jewish children. How can we expect our children to survive drinking lukewarm.' And they proposed the idea for camps to provide refrigerators. The ‘each child deserves a fridge’ campaign was too much, as they were too heavy to carry around on the hikes. How hikes made their way to Jewish summer camp is a very disturbing time in Jewish history, as is what is known as overnights. Two things that the Jewish community has fought against, along with anti-Semitism and thick crusted pizza. The camp directors said, 'This is crazy. Why should kids have to carry around canteens?! We'll make a canteen that kids can walk into.' And thus, they made canteens where you could walk into the bug juice. Kids complained about the walking. What Was in the Canteen At first, the kids walked into the canteen and saw bug juice. They drank it. One child, I believe her name was Sarah Rivkah, yelled, 'This is not quenching my thirst.' So, they gave her a sour stick and her thirst was quenched. Being that they could only find sour pops and Sunkist fruit gems, the kids were not happy. They were writing home, and their parents responded by sending them what is known as 'packages.' Packages are a box of stuff that campers get to remind them that they're not at camp. Packages were filled with Paskesz. Whatever Paskesz could make. And to this day, thirst is quenched with sour sticks and Jelly Bellys. Twizzlers also quenches the thirst of Jewish children at summer camp, as is seen by the letters of package request. Somehow Paskesz also makes Twizzlers. How Paskesz found a way to put their name on all candies in Seasons is another piece of Jewish history. And that is how we have the modern-day canteen. They Weren't Making Enough Money Off Parents The cost for one month of camp was at fifty-five hundred dollars. The camp directors were at a crossroads. 'What do we do? We are only charging twelve thousand dollars for a summer. Required tips are only at three thousand dollars. Parents should be spending more!' First, it was decided that the canteen should work as Paskesz dispensary. That pulled in some money. After years of discussion, one member of the camp directors' union went to a bar in shorts. He snuck in Paskesz sizzler sugar pebble paper (you can eat the candy and the paper- heavenly) and a banana sugar bottle (also used as a gateway candy). Thinking back to the tradition of why canteens were used for water in the first place, the head counselor suggested, 'Let's start tabs. It works in bars.' All of the sudden kids were buying more Paskesz. Tabs Got Bigger Kids get a tab. In the beginning, there was an issue. Parents knew about the tabs. They put limits on the amount a child could spend in the canteen. That's not fun. Any Jewish day school child can tell you that. And limits for an eight-year-old is not as profitable way to make money off of elementary schoolers. The Jewish National Fund knows this. So, the decision was made to give kids autonomy. Let them decide. And that is when the 'kids should decide for themselves' movement began in the year 2016, along with BDS. They stopped asking parents if it was OK and started sending bills to the parents. Tabs were limitless, Paskesz was happy, children were happy, and fruit bottles filled with candy sugar in the form of cocaine was abundant. And parents had to get summer jobs. To keep their children from child services, parents did not fight the idea of elementary school kids deciding how much candy they should have. And now parents get bills for eight thousand dollars of sour sticks and candy rings at the end of the summer. And the camps stopped giving ice cream for dessert. Those are sold at the canteen. You can put an ice cream sandwich on your tab. And now the camp charges parents for full board, and sells your child hamburgers and pizza at the canteen. CONCLUSION And that is how kids put on weight while playing sports all day. 'How did my kid put on weight at a sports camp?' They were playing tennis, basketball, football, soccer, hockey. They ran track at camp. And they went to the canteen. And that is how you went broke. And that is why parents only send their kids to summer camp for a month, which is three weeks now. And to this day, Jewish summer camps are the only place where an eight-year-old has autonomy as to a candy tab. And the camp still serves meals before charging your kid for pizza, fries, onion rings and Paskesz. And packages today consist of fans, air-conditioners and sofas, so that kids should not feel like they're in The Mountains for the summer. And when parents visit on visiting day, they carry with them a flask. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXIV8/8/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Zionists with the American flag shawls, what Simchas look like when nobody wants to be there, and what it looks like when Romans are trying to destroy Jerusalem, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his knowledge on when you can tell non-religious relatives will be getting an Aliyah.
The Temple is being destroyed and they're playing tug of war with the Menorah... Something is off with this scene. Are they just killing people?! Does Caeser with his red shawl notice? Even he's a bit surprised there, looking around at the barbaric people. 'I just told them to take over the Temple. I didn't tell them stab the guy lighting the Menorah.' Either that, or he's trying very hard to protect the shawl. (Painting: Francesco Hayez)
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Ekev8/6/2023
Announcements
We are asking people to not exercise during Kiddish. Exercise showing at Kiddish is making families uncomfortable. Parents have stopped bringing their kids to shul, in fear that their child will have to see Ben in an ungodly position doing burpees. The enhanced Kiddish this week is sponsored by the shul. Nobody has given anything to the Kiddish. Just letting you know. Again, nobody has stepped up to support the food. Dues will be raised due to Kishka. Please wait till after Layning to drink alcohol. We understand it's hard to be in shul and listening to the Torah untoxicated. Your families are in shul and we see your children. We all have reasons to drink. Understood. And there's a Chazin. He'll bring you to drinking. Support local businesses. People are complaining the butcher raised his prices. It is a communal shop. We understand it is a business. But it is a community business. He needs your support. So, you have to buy from the butcher to go to heaven. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 8:11) 'Guard yourself, lest you forget H' your God, by not keeping His Mitzvot...' The back left of the shul... That's what happens when you don't guard yourself. You start drinking in the middle of services... You can't remember Gd when you're nursing a hangover with alcohol and sleeping during the sermon. I don't even know if Rick hears this... You definitely forgot to support the butcher. When I saw you at Kroger. In the meat section!!! You forget Gd when you don't do Mitzvot. When you go out and drink during Layning every Shabbis... You're sleeping. You definitely forget to stay up for Davening. You were snoring during the Kedusha. It's because you have it too good. You have too much money. You buy single malts. You become snobby. If you were a decent person, drinking Smirnoff and Farbrengening, you would be good Jews... A Farbrengen is where you drink for H'. (Devarim 8:12-14) 'Lest you eat and be satisfied, and build good houses... and your heart grows haughty, and you forget the Lord, your Gd, Who has brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage'... and flocks too. Yes. I am suggesting slavery... It's because you have money. If you were broke, you would believe in Gd more. I've never seen Mike with his Mercedes praying to Gd. Ruchel and her Porche, cruising... Never have I heard Uncle Moishy coming out of those vehicles. Their listening to the Dixie Chicks. You get an ego when you have a second-story on your house. I've seen you walking up the flight of stairs with pride... It's ego. You've forgotten Gd. You get an ego when you have sheep. You get an ego and you froget H'. You stop sponsoring Kiddish. You start to think that you don't have to buy from the butcher anymore... I know he charges a lot. You buy from him, you go broke, and you start praying to H' again... So, that you can afford meat. The problem is you enjoy the food too much. Try the Schwartzman Kugel. You eat their food for Shabbis lunch and you'll want to pray to H' for a decent dinner. You'll remember H'. I am suggesting slavery and starving a bit. Then you'll appreciate the Schwartzmans... Yes. That is being Jewish. Eight dollars a pound of chicken is a Mitzvah. The butcher is a person too... You have it good. You have a nice home. You can pay thirty dollars for a pound of lox. And the butcher has forgotten Gd... Layning is going on 'I need alcohol.' That is your response. You've forgotten H'. You're so focused on yourself. You're doing stretches in the middle of Musaf... Yes. It's awkward. I can't even go to Kiddish without seeing you in some kind of tumbling routine. Russian twists right near the Kichel?! Do you do Russian twists at the butcher?! That would keep customers out. If you weren't intoxicated, you would understand that Russian twisting is wrong in the middle of Layning, on the Bima... No. You don't need to stretch for an Aliyah. Rivka’s Rundown I suggested butcher memberships. If they pay dues, people won't feel bad when spending twelve dollars on a hot dog. After reading the announcements, I am not going to heaven. I don't have enough money for heaven. I am broke enough to believe in Gd, but too broke to go to heaven on a fifteen dollar piece of shnitzel. This is a catch twenty-two. By the way, there's a lot of sheep ego in our shul. What is about shul that makes people need to drink? Is it the Ner Tamid light over ark? Is it Shabbis? I heard the guy go over to his friend during the Chazaras Hashatz (the cantor's repetition of the Amidah prayer), 'I need alcohol right now.' He truly needed it. Couldn't wait till Musaf. He was in shul and needed a drink. The guy just got to shul. Being in shul caused an anxiety attack that he might have to go through a whole seven Aliyahs sober. Ben has gotten real involved in the gym life. Now he shows people his exercises. Forget about shul, It looks weird to see somebody exercising in public anywhere. Even in a park it looks weird. There are kids at the jungle gym and this guy is doing pull-ups and burpees. I asked him to show me. In my defense. I thought Russian twists were a baked good. The rabbi's lesson is beautiful. You go broke, you have it bad. That is how you believe in H'. And that is why half of the membership doesn't pay dues. What are these enhanced Kiddishes?! I'm getting bothered by the word 'enhanced.' It's a Kiddish. If there isn't brisket it's not being enhanced. Still can't stand the word. Call it a big Kiddish. That sounds normal. Now we have Enhanced Kiddishes and Festive Friday Night Dinners. I feel like anywhere I go in shul I might get hit by confetti. Now they're going to be planning a Jubilant Morning Prayer Service. I just want a nice relaxed service with a good Heimish dinner and a Kiddish that has choolante and Kugel. By the way, I am fine with people not sponsoring Kiddish. Dues are up to twenty-two hundred dollars (that's a literal catch twenty-two). I think that works towards a Kiddish. The rabbi should've never told the front left about the Fabrengens. Now they're coming in drunk for 'holy reasons.' Why they don't sit in the back still baffles me. People in our shul hide nothing. Be it cheaping out on a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, tailgating Musaf, or doing burpees on the Bima. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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How they find you, I don't know. But Jewish Organizations will find you. They will get your dues. Don't try hiding from the Jewish Federation. They know who you are. They know where you live.
Many people have asked me how to avoid the Jewish nonprofits. I will do my best to help you steer clear of the Federation. It won't work. Even so, I will share some methods with you. People have tried these. Change Your Number Do you have friends, siblings, a bunk-mate from Camp Shalom in first grade, anybody you thought you'd go into business with, a mechanic you stopped going to eight years ago, a cashier at Marshall's who rung up a pair for trousers? They will find them. Then, they will find you. Change Your Address Many have. You do what you can to not have anybody contacting you on Super Sunday. Changing your address is not enough. Everybody in town knows Schwartz is Jewish. You have to move to a country that has not seen Jews yet. Malaysia could work. Even in a country without Jews, I would not feel safe. I am sure there's a Chabad in Malaysia. They'll find you. I thought Singapore would work. There are Chabads everywhere. Change Your Last Name Jewish women have tried this for centuries. They still find them. Lose Your Job People have quit work in hopes that the Jewish National Fund will stop calling. It hasn’t worked. They have access to your retirement account. Say You're Single That might keep them away. It worked with the ladies. It's kept away every potential soulmate you've come across. Hopefully they won't consider you part of the Jewish community, due to your patheticness. Either that, or they'll charge you as though you're a family. It's a Jewish community one-for-the-price-of-two deal. In know that Shuls charge you double for being single, as a way to try to keep you out. Join Another Sect Chabad will still find you. Tell Them You Fell on Hard Times and You Need Money They will tell you that you still have to tithe. Go to Olam Haba My parents are in Olam Haba, may they rest in peace. They're trying, but Jewish organizations are still hounding them for money. They still call. You can be gone from this world for fifteen years, the youth group will still call you for your yearly donation. They track you down. You can be in heaven, relaxing, they'll call. And they'll still send you calendars. Why you need calendars in heaven, I don't know. But they still expect you to pay dues. I've tried it all. It doesn't work. Some have passed away to avoid paying pledges. They will find you. The only way to avoid them hunting you down is if you move to Israel. If you make Aliyah, the nonprofits give up on you. Moving to Israel was the smartest thing I ever did. Ever since, Jewish organizations don't ask me for money. Once you move to Israel, they know you're not going to support the Jewish community. Even the Israeli government, with their army, can't get money from Jews. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
No Shidduchim this Tu BAv. We want the singles to enjoy themselves. Your ideas bring no joy to the singles. Your ideas bring depression, and lack of hope for love. Note to Congregants: There is a reason none of them are dating each other at the shul. This is why we ask Ruchel to stay away, so they can talk to each other. Ruchel gets too involved. Kiddish is the only time for them to meet. We can't ask the single men pay for meals of the women of the congregation on their dates. We know, based on the fact they don't pay full dues, they don't have the money. Kiddish is the only time they can look classy. Matchmakers cannot be part of the speed dating event. The singles are not looking to meet Shadchans. They're looking to meet other singles. For a Yahrzeit you bring food. That means babka. No Entenmann's. The congregants expect Latkas Bakery cinnamon babka. If it's not cinnamon and from Latka, they will not pray for an Aliyas Nishama. Chesed Call: Single people are still members of our community. Even if you don't like them and they're losers. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 4:14) Moshe tells the people that at Mount Sinai, 'H" commanded me at that time, to teach you the laws and ordinance, that you should do them in the Land...' With you guys there's never a right time. You're always complaining. Every time I teach an ordinance, Shlomo is playing Wordle on his phone... I know we're not in Israel. That's not the point. You can still be a decent Jew... Setting up people with other singles who have the uglies is not a law. You get too involved. You're a Yenta... That means you're annoying. They know what ugly is. There are rules. I know that people don't see the sign that says 'parking for the rabbi,' but there are rules... They see each other at Kiddish every week. They don't need you throwing out ideas. 'Mark. This is Sharon...' They just ate Kichel together. They can ask each other out if they like each other... You guys get too involved... No. You don't sit on the other side of the table at speed dating. They have to talk to each other... You're married, Ruchel. You shouldn't be speed dating... Date your husband. He gets jealous. You spend all of your time with the singles... Don't tell me it's for Shidduchim. We know your husband can't stand your Shidduch ideas... H' commanded me because you can't handle it. I give over ideas... Do something. Why does H' need to command me to tell you to do stuff? Because you're lazy. You shlub. We couldn't even move you from the smorgasbord to the hall at Kelsey's wedding. Even on dates. You shlub around... I understand the carving station was excellent. And the potato puffs and pigs in the blanket. Truth is the smorgasbord was better than the meal. Should've stayed at the smorgasbord. (Devarim 4:16) You heard but you didn't see 'lest you act corruptly and make a carved image.' Nobody wants to see your art. I saw what you did with paper mache. Why that thing is still in the front hall of the shul... You see things... You hit on a young guy. And if you saw it, would you do it?! No You're lazy. You shlub. It's the eyes. That's the issue. If the singles just heard the voices of the others they might be attracted... Would you be attracted to some of these... It's speed dating because they're ugly. They want out of there... No. You have no right to be offended. They didn't reject you... You can't be rejected as a matchmaker. Even if you're an ugly Shadchan... They rejected your idea because it was a dumb idea. They eat Kichel together every Shabbis... I'm educating you now. Then you start serving false gods, praying to the sun and you get kicked out of Israel... What Moshe is saying is, 'Practice the Mitzvot. Maybe show up to Minyin. Don't act like Bernie.' These are laws. You bring food for people to make a Bracha on a Yahrzeit... You didn't bring cake. That's why nobody cared they died... You brought Entenmann's. No babka. No herring. Not even Stella D'oros... Rules. I am educating you now. They're single. You don't have to be nasty about it... Your tone was off. It was offensive. You say 'single,' it's offensive. The word. It should be 'master of your house.' That wouldn't be offensive... It was the way you asked 'They're single?!' They were right there... They're members of our community. I understand they're pathetic, but they pay dues sometimes... Samantha pays dues. At least be nice to her. Rivka’s Rundown I appreciate the rabbi finally educating the congregation. They need these lessons. 'Don't act like Bernie' is a very valuable teaching. And now, I hope that we'll finally get some decent food when somebody says Kaddish. Nobody knows what the verb shlub means. Why should you not shlub when you have excellent food right there. They had the pigs in a blanket, wraps. They even had a carving station. Why would we leave the smorgasbord?! I'm shlubbing out of there. I can tell you, the boys in our congregation show up on dates and don't even tuck in their shirts. They're shlubbing. Even so, if you go on a date and they have a carving station, and his shirt is untucked, that's fine. They get so involved in the dating process. I don't think there's one member of our shul that's not a matchmaker. At the speed dating event last year, one member kicked a single girl out of her spot and said, 'I can do this better than you.' She then told the girl that she likes the guy. The girl never spoke to the guy. That woman's husband was not happy when he found out that his wife participated in speed dating. To better their marriage, they did speed date night. Once a week, they would go out to get away from the kids for three minutes. One Shadchan popped into a cafe and asked Shmuel to pay for her meal. It is bad. Ruchel won't let them talk at Kiddish. She gets too involved in the relationships. Once she was offended that a couple renovated their home and didn't add a room for her. Ethel brought cake and schnapps the next day, to make up for her father's Yahrzeit. The members of the shul started to respect her. To get respect, you have to bring food for the congregants. Otherwise, there is no reason for them to know you. Why Ruchel brings up Shidduch ideas to her husband still baffles my mind. It's like she's trying to get him out of their marriage. We had to announce that single people are people. The president of the shul said, 'They are people.' Many single people thanked the board for them announcing they're part of the community. It was important to announce that single people are people. I sometimes look at them and wonder if they are truly individuals. Are they even human beings? Are they a different race of people? The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Being old and single, you learn a lot. If you're single, I pray you meet the right person and get married, so you don't have to deal with awkwardness of shul. If you're getting old and still not with somebody, here is what to expect from the people in the community.
Weird Looks During Davening Why are they not wearing a Tallis? That is what they will be thinking about during the Amida. During the prayer about killing our oppressors, they'll be thinking about you not wearing a Tallis. For the girls, they'll be asking, 'Is her head covered?' 'I don't think so. I think it's just fluffy. She has very frizzy hair.' 'She should get married for the shaytel. She'll look better with a wig.' People Worried About You That means leftovers. 'Do they know how to cook? Can single people cook?' This is what people are asking. This is what they're talking about when they're staring at you in shul, wondering what somebody so old is doing without a Tallis or Shaytel. They're trying to figure out how you got so heavy without the ability to prepare food. And be ready to take back food. Shabbat dinners. Simchas. Shiva houses. Potlucks. Dropping off a gift. They will clear their kitchen and give it to you. You're single and thus have room in your fridge. Somebody will find you at Kiddish and make sure you have food so that you can live. This is why your community built an Eiruv. So, you can take sponge cake home. Random Shidduchim Anybody traveling through town is a date. You're wondering what you have in common with every person traveling through town. In my case, I can tell you, they're in Rochester. You're wondering if these people that have been around you since your were a toddler truly know you. They don't. After being set up by these people, I am sure they have no idea. Everybody Trying to Set You Up When they talk to you, they are trying to set you up. If you haven't received any ideas for matches in a while, that is because you're pathetic. They're thinking and trying, but there is nobody for you. They're trying to set you up and trying to figure out why you can't cook. Awkward Moments With Aunts When you reject their nephew, they will be offended. You will have to let them down. This means that at shul, every week, you will run into your ex matchmaker. It's an extremely awkward experience when somebody is mad at you and you didn't even reject them. People Are Protective of their Children Do not be surprised if parents are running down the shul halls yelling, 'Stay away from him. He's single.' Women don't have to deal with this. Single women can grab little kids. Hug them. Kiss them. Pinch their cheeks. Take them to the park. Take them on vacation without telling their parents. They can even babysit. When you walk down the halls to use the washroom, my male friend, you'll notice parents clenching their kids tight. That's because of you. You're old and single and scary. Do not offer to lead youth groups. Do not show up to little league baseball games. Even if it's your niece, stay away. People get arraigned for showing love to family. Do not play paper football, even if you loved the game growing up. Your joy scares people. Do not eat cookies. Kids like cookies. Do not acknowledge any family picture your friends post on Facebook. Their expression of pride in their children. They're trying to frame you. They Will Call You a Child A Bachur. Until you get married, you're a boy. A Bachur. If you're eighteen and married, you're a man. If you're sixty-three and single, you're a Bachur. I don't know what they call women. If you're a woman, you're a woman. It's the man's fault you're single. If you're a man, it's your fault you're single. You're immature and a loser, and still just reached puberty. They will ask you to open up the ark for Anim Zemirot. Comments That Make No Sense 'It will happen.' I just said 'Shabbat Shalom.' They looked at me and said, 'It will happen.' It was a very sincere 'it will happen,' as if somebody passed away. This is what you will hear at Kiddish. I suggest to stay away from Kiddish. However, you're single and can't cook, and they have choolante. They Will Expect You To Help If there is a person that needs help walking to shul, you're the one. If they need to set up the tables for the community event, you're the one. If cleaning needs to be done, you're single. You have time. If they need somebody to watch over the kids, they will not ask you, the old single scary Bachur. Truth be told, this article is for the single man. Single women are not scary. Girls Looking at You Weird When You Ask them Out You didn't realize you're supposed to ask out a Shadchan first. If you're attracted, stay away. You want to find they're married aunt. You ask the aunt out. I hope you appreciate the knowledge I am imparting unto you. Sit at the Kids Table They will still sit you at the kids table. With all of this. They still sit you at the kids table. You're single. They're single. You're a Bachur. They're Bachurs and Bachuras. Who knows what will happen?! At least you get to sit at the Bar Mitzvah boy's table. That's cool. And you get chicken fingers!!! Again. They're testing you. Don't talk to the kids. If I was you, I would start wearing a Tallis and telling people you're divorced. And I am not suggesting you start making single friends. That will get you invited to potluck dinners with people who can't cook. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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‘In this shul there is no talking during Tefillah and Torah reading’... That’s a shul that’s a little high on themselves. Patting themselves on the back.
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10/14/2023
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