Sermons of Rebuke III: Ekev

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We are asking people to not exercise during Kiddish. Exercise showing at Kiddish is making families uncomfortable. Parents have stopped bringing their kids to shul, in fear that their child will have to see Ben in an ungodly position doing burpees.
 
The enhanced Kiddish this week is sponsored by the shul. Nobody has given anything to the Kiddish. Just letting you know. Again, nobody has stepped up to support the food. Dues will be raised due to Kishka.
 
Please wait till after Layning to drink alcohol. We understand it's hard to be in shul and listening to the Torah untoxicated. Your families are in shul and we see your children. We all have reasons to drink. Understood. And there's a Chazin. He'll bring you to drinking.
 
Support local businesses. People are complaining the butcher raised his prices. It is a communal shop. We understand it is a business. But it is a community business. He needs your support. So, you have to buy from the butcher to go to heaven.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts 
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...

(Devarim 8:11) 'Guard yourself, lest you forget H' your God, by not keeping His Mitzvot...' The back left of the shul... That's what happens when you don't guard yourself. You start drinking in the middle of services... You can't remember Gd when you're nursing a hangover with alcohol and sleeping during the sermon. I don't even know if Rick hears this...
You definitely forgot to support the butcher. When I saw you at Kroger. In the meat section!!!

You forget Gd when you don't do Mitzvot. When you go out and drink during Layning every Shabbis... You're sleeping. You definitely forget to stay up for Davening. You were snoring during the Kedusha.

It's because you have it too good. You have too much money. You buy single malts. You become snobby. If you were a decent person, drinking Smirnoff and Farbrengening, you would be good Jews... A Farbrengen is where you drink for H'.

(Devarim 8:12-14) 'Lest you eat and be satisfied, and build good houses... and your heart grows haughty, and you forget the Lord, your Gd, Who has brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage'... and flocks too. Yes. I am suggesting slavery...
It's because you have money. If you were broke, you would believe in Gd more. I've never seen Mike with his Mercedes praying to Gd. Ruchel and her Porche, cruising... Never have I heard Uncle Moishy coming out of those vehicles. Their listening to the Dixie Chicks.

You get an ego when you have a second-story on your house. I've seen you walking up the flight of stairs with pride... It's ego. You've forgotten Gd.
You get an ego when you have sheep.
You get an ego and you froget H'.  You stop sponsoring Kiddish.
You start to think that you don't have to buy from the butcher anymore... I know he charges a lot. You buy from him, you go broke, and you start praying to H' again... So, that you can afford meat.

The problem is you enjoy the food too much. Try the Schwartzman Kugel. You eat their food for Shabbis lunch and you'll want to pray to H' for a decent dinner. You'll remember H'.

I am suggesting slavery and starving a bit. Then you'll appreciate the Schwartzmans...

Yes. That is being Jewish. Eight dollars a pound of chicken is a Mitzvah.
The butcher is a person too... You have it good. You have a nice home. You can pay thirty dollars for a pound of lox. And the butcher has forgotten Gd...

Layning is going on 'I need alcohol.' That is your response.

You've forgotten H'. You're so focused on yourself. You're doing stretches in the middle of Musaf... Yes. It's awkward. I can't even go to Kiddish without seeing you in some kind of tumbling routine. Russian twists right near the Kichel?!
Do you do Russian twists at the butcher?! That would keep customers out.
If you weren't intoxicated, you would understand that Russian twisting is wrong in the middle of Layning, on the Bima... No. You don't need to stretch for an Aliyah.
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I suggested butcher memberships. If they pay dues, people won't feel bad when spending twelve dollars on a hot dog.
After reading the announcements, I am not going to heaven. I don't have enough money for heaven. I am broke enough to believe in Gd, but too broke to go to heaven on a fifteen dollar piece of shnitzel. This is a catch twenty-two.

By the way, there's a lot of sheep ego in our shul.

What is about shul that makes people need to drink? Is it the Ner Tamid light over ark? Is it Shabbis?
I heard the guy go over to his friend during the Chazaras Hashatz (the cantor's repetition of the Amidah prayer), 'I need alcohol right now.' He truly needed it. Couldn't wait till Musaf. He was in shul and needed a drink. The guy just got to shul. Being in shul caused an anxiety attack that he might have to go through a whole seven Aliyahs sober.

Ben has gotten real involved in the gym life. Now he shows people his exercises. Forget about shul, It looks weird to see somebody exercising in public anywhere. Even in a park it looks weird. There are kids at the jungle gym and this guy is doing pull-ups and burpees.
I asked him to show me. In my defense. I thought Russian twists were a baked good.

The rabbi's lesson is beautiful. You go broke, you have it bad. That is how you believe in H'. And that is why half of the membership doesn't pay dues.

What are these enhanced Kiddishes?! I'm getting bothered by the word 'enhanced.' It's a Kiddish. If there isn't brisket it's not being enhanced.
Still can't stand the word. Call it a big Kiddish. That sounds normal. Now we have Enhanced Kiddishes and Festive Friday Night Dinners. I feel like anywhere I go in shul I might get hit by confetti. Now they're going to be planning a Jubilant Morning Prayer Service. I just want a nice relaxed service with a good Heimish dinner and a Kiddish that has choolante and Kugel.
By the way, I am fine with people not sponsoring Kiddish. Dues are up to twenty-two hundred dollars (that's a literal catch twenty-two). I think that works towards a Kiddish.

The rabbi should've never told the front left about the Fabrengens. Now they're coming in drunk for 'holy reasons.'
Why they don't sit in the back still baffles me. People in our shul hide nothing. Be it cheaping out on a Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, tailgating Musaf, or doing burpees on the Bima.