Announcements
You can't just take over the shul and every Kavod you want. This announcement is meant for Shloimy. You can't take over the Amud and start leading. There are mourners. They have a Chiyuvs. That means, they lead prayers. Not Shloimy. From now on, people have to be asked to do Kibudim, honors. People cannot honor themselves and say they were honored. Being honored is when somebody else honors you. If you're blowing the shofar, please practice. People can't help but to laugh at a bad shofar blow. It sounds like you're sitting behind Bernie and he's bending. And Bernie should not bend in shul. If somebody wants to take a Kavod, here are Kavods you can take: Helping set up Kiddish. Cleaning the shul before Shabbis. Being one of the first ten at Minyin. Visiting the sick during your free time. Mow the shul’s lawn. Paying your dues on time. That's a Kavod most members of the shul have not taken yet. Selichot are coming up next Saturday night. The Chazin will be doing his thing. You'll want to avoid shul from midnight till 1:30am. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Yes. You bring your first fruits to Jerusalem... I understand your neighbors are important. You can make them a fruit basket… Your first fruits go to Jerusalem... And you have to give Maaser too. I know it's painful to tithe. The office hasn’t received your money for a chair this Yom Kippur… You don't make random decisions and just take the food like you took over Davening and the honor of opening the ark. There are rules… You only give a dollar to the Tzedakah box at shul. H’ wants more than that. (Devarim 26:13-15) After you tithe you say before H', 'I have removed the holy from the house, and I have given to the Levis, the convert, the orphan and the widow, like all You have commanded me. I have not transgressed any of the Mitzvot, and I have not forgotten...' You would have to lie, Shaindel... You don't keep the Mitzvot… Not Mark Levi. The tribe of Levi... I know Mark takes credit for everything and oversteps every Kavod in shul… It’s about first giving to others and appreciating.... Before H' means Jerusalem. Not Topeka. But you can say it in Netanya if you're stuck… I am not going to lie. Your shofar blowing needs work. You should be saying to H’, ‘I have transgressed practicing…’ Your blowing sounds funny. It's messed up... Of course we laugh. Not at you. At the Shofar being blown bad. It sounds like Bernie bending... Yes. You blew it. Then we ask H' to look upon us and bless us... You first have to do Mitzvahs. You first don’t don’t mess up. Maybe if you didn't sin all the time… I said nothing about Donald Trump... What does Trump have to do with first fruits and tithing… No. Stop blaming him for you having to give Tzedakah and tithing... Donald Trump does not have to bring Bikurim… You can't take from mourners. That doesn't lead to blessing. You would have to say, ‘I have transgressed the Mitzvot of taking away Shacharis from Tzvi.’ You took the Amida for Mincha... There were mourners... I know I was late. They weren't... You guys share nothing. The Anim Zemirot kids are bullies. And the ark opener… The kid is kindergarten. Your kid should share with the other five year old… They’re not Aveylim. They’re not mourning. They’re in nursery school. Share… You can't be the Gabai and the Chazin. You decided it should be you. If you give yourself it's not an honor. You have to be asked for it to be an honor... I know you give yourself a lot of Kavod… Shloimy. You kicked him off the Bima… They lost their dad. You don’t kick them off the stage for leading… He’s not a Chazin. He’s got a Chiyuv. And nobody likes when you lead Shloimy… Then why are you always leading?! You ask yourself. You walk around to your seat and ask you. Then you say yes… Rivka's Rundown The rabbi had everybody rolling with the ‘you blew it’ line. They just took over. The rabbi wasn't there and they took over. One guy sat in the rabbi's seat. I don't even think we need a Gabai. People just take Kavods. People take stuff. Pesukei Dzimra. Shacharit. Nobody asked them. They took it. Even when Shloimy isn’t there, somebody takes it. I don't think we need a Gabai. One guy went up for an Aliyah. No name. Wasn’t called. Just went up and did Barchu. One guy started teaching a class. One of the women took over the sisterhood. She has the bank account. Nobody else has access. It’s hers. She took it. One guy took a couch and started sleeping on it. One guy did a program in the parking lot. Started a BBQ on shul premises. Nobody needs to tell our members to take initiative. One guy took . And the Anim Zemirot. We have 7 year olds claiming their Kavod. The problem is nobody questions anything. They are that oblivious to tradition. One guy started reading the Qur'an. Some members thought it was a Torah commentary. That class went on for a month, before they realized the guy taking initiative was an imam. One guy took the rabbi's seat at Kiddish. Just sat there. Rabbi wasn't there. He took initiative and became rabbi for the day. Nobody said anything. They assumed the guy was the new rabbi. Nobody took the available Kavod of cleaning the sanctuary. Simcha said he would do it, but the shul wasn't willing to put up a plaque for his helping. Then the Gabai calls himself up. His job is to make sure people are called up. Then he calls himself up. The rabbi stopped him when he started to take the second Aliyah too. A whole letter was sent to every congregant to reiterate the message of giving other people Kavods. The message: You have to share Kibudim even when the rabbi is not around. It turns out nobody got the letter. And nobody wants to share. Sharing Anim Zemirot is not happening. People have to laugh at bad Shofar blowing. At Minyin this week, it sounded like the shofar blower let one rip. Sorry. I had to say it. After the blow one guy yelled ‘doorknob’ and started hitting his friend until he finished saying LDavid H’ Ori. Everything the rabbi says comes back to Trump. Anything about sinning, some of the congregants jump to Trump. One of the women forgot to pay the town school tax. She blamed Trump. Middle of rabbi’s sermon, she yelled out Trump. It’s a tick a lot of people in our congregation have developed. Anything that goes wrong, they yell Trump. The members never give more than a dollar to Tzedakah at shul. The Tzedakah box goes around, they can put in a 20. They’re taking back 19. I think they just give Tzedakah to get change. One of our members parks at a meter every Shabbis. It’s very embarrassing. The only day she wants to give Tzedakah is on Shabbis, when it’s forbidden. Tags:
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Why did the Jews working in Jerusalem wear denim? They were Levis. You get it? Levi’s. Levis. Levi’s are jeans, made out of denim. Do Levites wear jeans when working in construction. I would like to think they wear jeans when putting up buildings. 
The plastic Jewish diet spoon. I got it from the caterer who didn’t have enough cake. The spoon did make the souffle look bigger... Since using it for breakfast, I've taken off a lot of weight. I have noticed it now takes longer to eat cereal. And most of the time, the Golden Grahams fall off the spoon, helping with more weight loss. A quite utilitarian utensil.
That other spoon is the old spoon I used to use. It held the cereal and I ate. I'm not going to use that again. 
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
Rambam Hilchot Rotzeyach (11:4-5) teaches that one who puts themselves in danger is violating the positive commandment of (Decarim 4:9) "Beware of yourself and guard your soul." Thus, it is important to not deal with congregants. As they can be very annoying. As with a deep hole, one should put a fence around the congregation, at least ten handbreadths high, so they stay away from you.
One must also not put themselves in a danger when traveling. Thus, one mustn’t travel to date, as that can lead to marriage. Categories
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
9/3/2023
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