Sermons of Rebuke III: VaEtchanan and Tu BAv

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
No Shidduchim this Tu BAv. We want the singles to enjoy themselves. Your ideas bring no joy to the singles. Your ideas bring depression, and lack of hope for love.
Note to Congregants: There is a reason none of them are dating each other at the shul. This is why we ask Ruchel to stay away, so they can talk to each other. Ruchel gets too involved. Kiddish is the only time for them to meet. We can't ask the single men pay for meals of the women of the congregation on their dates. We know, based on the fact they don't pay full dues, they don't have the money. Kiddish is the only time they can look classy.
 
Matchmakers cannot be part of the speed dating event. The singles are not looking to meet Shadchans. They're looking to meet other singles.
 
For a Yahrzeit you bring food. That means babka. No Entenmann's. The congregants expect Latkas Bakery cinnamon babka. If it's not cinnamon and from Latka, they will not pray for an Aliyas Nishama.
 
Chesed Call: Single people are still members of our community. Even if you don't like them and they're losers.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 4:14) Moshe tells the people that at Mount Sinai, 'H" commanded me at that time, to teach you the laws and ordinance, that you should do them in the Land...' With you guys there's never a right time. You're always complaining. Every time I teach an ordinance, Shlomo is playing Wordle on his phone... I know we're not in Israel. That's not the point. You can still be a decent Jew...
Setting up people with other singles who have the uglies is not a law. You get too involved. You're a Yenta... That means you're annoying.
They know what ugly is.

There are rules. I know that people don't see the sign that says 'parking for the rabbi,' but there are rules...

They see each other at Kiddish every week. They don't need you throwing out ideas. 'Mark. This is Sharon...' They just ate Kichel together. They can ask each other out if they like each other...
You guys get too involved... No. You don't sit on the other side of the table at speed dating. They have to talk to each other... You're married, Ruchel. You shouldn't be speed dating... Date your husband. He gets jealous. You spend all of your time with the singles... Don't tell me it's for Shidduchim. We know your husband can't stand your Shidduch ideas...

H' commanded me because you can't handle it. I give over ideas...
Do something. Why does H' need to command me to tell you to do stuff? Because you're lazy. You shlub. We couldn't even move you from the smorgasbord to the hall at Kelsey's wedding.
Even on dates. You shlub around... I understand the carving station was excellent. And the potato puffs and pigs in the blanket. Truth is the smorgasbord was better than the meal. Should've stayed at the smorgasbord.

(Devarim 4:16) You heard but you didn't see 'lest you act corruptly and make a carved image.' Nobody wants to see your art. I saw what you did with paper mache. Why that thing is still in the front hall of the shul...
You see things... You hit on a young guy.
And if you saw it, would you do it?! No You're lazy. You shlub.

It's the eyes. That's the issue. If the singles just heard the voices of the others they might be attracted... Would you be attracted to some of these... It's speed dating because they're ugly. They want out of there...
No. You have no right to be offended. They didn't reject you... You can't be rejected as a matchmaker. Even if you're an ugly Shadchan...
They rejected your idea because it was a dumb idea. They eat Kichel together every Shabbis... I'm educating you now.

Then you start serving false gods, praying to the sun and you get kicked out of Israel... What Moshe is saying is, 'Practice the Mitzvot. Maybe show up to Minyin. Don't act like Bernie.'

These are laws. You bring food for people to make a Bracha on a Yahrzeit... You didn't bring cake. That's why nobody cared they died... You brought Entenmann's. No babka. No herring. Not even Stella D'oros... Rules. I am educating you now.

They're single. You don't have to be nasty about it... Your tone was off. It was offensive. You say 'single,' it's offensive. The word. It should be 'master of your house.' That wouldn't be offensive... It was the way you asked 'They're single?!' They were right there... They're members of our community. I understand they're pathetic, but they pay dues sometimes... Samantha pays dues. At least be nice to her.

Rivka’s Rundown
I appreciate the rabbi finally educating the congregation. They need these lessons. 'Don't act like Bernie' is a very valuable teaching. And now, I hope that we'll finally get some decent food when somebody says Kaddish.

Nobody knows what the verb shlub means. Why should you not shlub when you have excellent food right there. They had the pigs in a blanket, wraps. They even had a carving station. Why would we leave the smorgasbord?! I'm shlubbing out of there.
I can tell you, the boys in our congregation show up on dates and don't even tuck in their shirts. They're shlubbing. Even so, if you go on a date and they have a carving station, and his shirt is untucked, that's fine.

They get so involved in the dating process. I don't think there's one member of our shul that's not a matchmaker. At the speed dating event last year, one member kicked a single girl out of her spot and said, 'I can do this better than you.' She then told the girl that she likes the guy. The girl never spoke to the guy. That woman's husband was not happy when he found out that his wife participated in speed dating. To better their marriage, they did speed date night. Once a week, they would go out to get away from the kids for three minutes.
One Shadchan popped into a cafe and asked Shmuel to pay for her meal.
It is bad. Ruchel won't let them talk at Kiddish. She gets too involved in the relationships. Once she was offended that a couple renovated their home and didn't add a room for her.

Ethel brought cake and schnapps the next day, to make up for her father's Yahrzeit. The members of the shul started to respect her.
To get respect, you have to bring food for the congregants. Otherwise, there is no reason for them to know you.

Why Ruchel brings up Shidduch ideas to her husband still baffles my mind. It's like she's trying to get him out of their marriage.

We had to announce that single people are people. The president of the shul said, 'They are people.' Many single people thanked the board for them announcing they're part of the community.
It was important to announce that single people are people. I sometimes look at them and wonder if they are truly individuals. Are they even human beings? Are they a different race of people?