Sermons of Rebuke III: Ki Teitzei

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
High Holiday seats are for sale now. To get good ones, near the back of the shul, near the door, away from the rabbi and the Chazin, you should purchase them soon. The price on the seats next to quick escape routes will be going up soon. Warning: We have a new Chazin.
 
Please don't sit next to anybody at daily Minyin. The regulars have complained that people are showing up to Minyin.
The members of Beis Kneses Anshei Emes uSefilah don't like when people sit next to them. Do not move the watches and coats. Watches and coats need seats. So, please don't complain if you see a watch on a chair. There are chairs people and chairs for time pieces.
 
Kaddish is off still. The sound coach made it worse. Now some of the members think they can sing. That is not good for anybody. The rabbi has ordained that from now on, Kaddish can only be chanted. Not sung.
 
For good gas prices in the area, BJ's. They're the best.
 
Bridge event will be taking place at shul this Sunday. The shul will finally be full. Even congregants are planning to show.

Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Devarim 22:1-3) 'You shall not see your brother's donkey or sheep cast off and hide yourself from them; you shall return them... If your brother is not near you and you don't know him, then gather it into your house... and return it to him. And so shall you do for his donkey, and so shall you do for his clothing, and so shall you do for any lost article of your brother... and you shall not hide yourself.'
You borrowed clothes from the shul clothes drive. Never gave them back, Rivki... You're hiding the clothes. We know it...
I don't know how this guy doesn't know his brother. The donkey is not related. It's just that it's his donkey, so you help it... You should help a donkey too.
I read the whole thing, because none of you help.

You don't hide yourself from helping. From being useful. You don't hide.
From giving Tzedakah, you don't hide. Unless if the guy needs the money. Then they start knocking on your door and showing up.
From being on time to Minyin, you don't hide.
From Melvin's extremely bad jokes, you don't hide... He needs somebody to tell them to.
You don't hide?! You cross the street when members of the shul are coming... We know you see us... The way you guys hide from helping... Saying 'hello' is helpful. It helps people have a decent day. That's why you guys don't do it.
I have seen you in the corner, Shmuel. Hiding behind a chair... You're sixty-three years old. It was like you were playing hide-and-seek from volunteering... You're sixty-three. Help.

(Devarim 22:4) 'You shall not see your brother's donkey or ox fall on the road and hide yourself from it; you shall stand it up with him.'
Why the Torah needs to tell you to help. To not be a selfish... Commandments to help. Yes... I know it's scary. You don't help.​
I don't know why the donkeys and oxen... No. They didn't have cars then. If somebody needs help with a car. You help them... Yes. You stand it up. You should be working out... You're too weak to be helpful.

At Kiddish, you've never taken out a soda. It's as if the two liter bottles are too heavy for you. And the seltzer... The seltzer is one liter... They're all volunteers. They all pay dues...

Your watch is on the seat two down from you. You have to buy two seats for the High Holidays. If you don't want anybody sitting next to you, because you're not helpful and selfish, you have to buy two seats... Maybe your children would show up if you bought them seats. You buy them tickets to the Peacock games... Nobody on that team helps. They're the worst football team...
If somebody lost their High Holiday seats, you return it to them...

All Jews are brothers. If you see it that way, you'll help. You don't see each other as brothers... I know you hate your siblings...
You can't hide from helping people. That's the point.
You can't hide from saying hello... We see you turn your head. Then, when you do say 'Hi' to them, they don't like you... They say 'Hi' back because they're not jerks like you. They know you're only saying hi now because you want to make your way to the babka...
Helping somebody play bridge. I don't know if that's a Mitzvah.
Your Kaddish is helping nobody. It hurts. Hearing you mess it up hurts. That's not a Mitzvah...

(Devarim 22:8) A man can't wear woman's clothing and woman can't wear a man's clothing... No. Sima is not wearing men's clothes. Her dress is just ugly. The pattern is messed up. I know it looks off... Yes. You would have to return that dress as well. If you found it on the side of the highway, like Sima did, you would have to return it to her... Even if it's ugly...

Help. Every once in a while, be a useful individual.

Rivka’s Rundown
Now that was a good message. 'Help.' People in our congregation need to hear that. Some of the membership was shocked and complained to the board that the rabbi's message was offensive, and they should never be asked to help. Some of the members didn't show up to shul for a month after the sermon, in fear they'll be asked to volunteer.
The whole sermon there was a kid screaming outside. Not one person got up to help them. It turns out they fell and broke their arm.

Some congregants never come. They only make it for the High Holidays and bridge events. What they have in common? They only happen once a year, and Bernie never gives up his seat.
More Jews showed up to the bridge tournament than shul. If we would just have a card game in the chapel, people would show up for Minyin.

The membership truly only wants to know decent gas prices. That's why they come to shul. The office gets calls every day for where a decent place to get gas is. BJ's definitely has the best deal. They used to come for doctors. But now the doctors at shul are asking for copays to talk to them at Kiddish.

I do pray the rabbi's new rule of chanting only holds up. The people can't hold a tune. I believe the song teacher quit the profession after working with out congregants. She said the congregants convinced her that she has no song teaching abilities. To quote, 'I can't even teach Bernie to hold a note for two seconds.'
Some congregants speed through Kaddish, liken they're trying to lose the other mourners. It's not right.

What people will do to not have to sit next to somebody else in our shul. The fact the board had to make the announcement to not sit next to people. You can't sit next to some of these older guys in the shul. It seems like each decade they add to their life, they take up another twelve feet of chair.
This is why I'm against the new pews they're planning to put in the shul. Each person will take a bench. It will move from a 480 seat shul to a fifty seat shul.
We should just have chairs spaced ten feet apart. They truly do take up rows. His hat has a seat too.
I thought they were all selfish. You see a chair with a Kippah on it. But then who wants to sit next to Bernie.

I don't want to talk about Sima's dress. Not the nicest thing.

They just don't want to help. To quote Malki, 'If we all pay dues, why are we all the ones that have to work?! I'm going to start eating out. You don't have to volunteer at a restaurant. Restaurants are cheaper, and they clean up the place.'

People are so not helpful in our community. Somebody was sick. They asked them to make chicken soup for the congregation.
Pathetic. What our membership will do to not help. One guy started crying. He had a temper tantrum when the rabbi asked him to help put the Schach on the Sukkah last year. Putting out the Machzorim, people run.

Just a meaningful Parsha. The holding onto it lesson was also meaningful. I think it's time I returned the Game Boy I borrowed when I was fifteen. Sometimes you need reminders.