Announcements
Davening wait between Mincha and Maariv will be 43 minutes. It's on the calendar. People have been asking us why it's on the calendar. That is not our concern. We can't answer that. It is on the calendar. Therefore it's the right time. To answer your questions: We don't know who put it on the calendar. We will also be celebrating the Simchawitz wedding a week early. Our scheduling team messed up the time on the calendar. Hence, the Simchawitzs are cancelling their hall reservation, and rescheduling. Phil shaved. It's him. He just has a double chin now. We are stopping the Shul Wordle. It's too complicated for our membership. The word was 'dues' and nobody got it. 'On-time' was the other word nobody could figure out. Class this week is on why you are going broke on summer camp. We will discuss canteens and how much you're willing to pay to not have to see your kids for the summer. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Devarim 12:12) 'And you shall be happy before H".' Happy. A commandment to be happy. To not spend time with the congregants of Beis Kneses Beis Emes uSefilah... I look to the front left and I get depressed. Your whole section exudes depression... (Devarim 12:14) 'Only in the place that H' chooses... there you will bring your elevation offerings and there you will do all that I command you.' Like not having random card nights in the chapel. How a bridge game happened there is beyond me. I walked in to see you playing bridge... Paper football is fine. You can play paper football in the chapel. Paper football is a Jewish game... Yes. That's in Jerusalem. You can't sacrifice in Topeka. That would be plane animal cruelty... We're doing a good job of not being happy here. I can tell you that I fulfill the Mitzvah every day. With the Finkelwitz Kiddish... There was no Babka. We can't be happy... When I come to Minyin and I have to listen to Shmuel leading, I'm not happy... Your voice is horrendous. We have to be happy. Yet. There are rules. Jerusalem is one... You can be happy in Topeka, just now with sacrifices or with our membership... With the congregants in the front left, you can't be happy. It's not a commandment to not be happy, You just can't bring sacrifices here... Sacrifices truly make you happy. Sacrifices could maybe put a smile on Avital's face... Meat makes us happy. Exactly. Why did you shave? You look like an idiot... I could've told you. You don't shave. There is stuff under there. You had no idea. Now, you smile and it looks weird. You smiling without your beard looks scary... I can tell you. Driving to shul is not keeping Gd's commandments. You have down the part of not being good Jews outside of Yerushalayim... I know it makes you happy. I'm not happy, because we are in Topeka. Not Jerusalem... Of course you have to do Mitzvot here. It just means nothing... You can be happy here. You're just no before H'... Not with the wait between MIncha and Maariv. Not with Baruch sitting in the front left. Who's the idiot that is making us wait forty-three minutes?... This is why we're not happy. This random calendar was put together fifty-six years ago, and now we have to stick to it... That is not tradition. That is a mistake. They based it on the solar calendar. It's not even a Jewish calendar. Yom Kippur does not fall out on September 25th every year... Yes. The Finkelwitzs are happy they got rid of their kid for the summer. And I am happy the shul Wordle is finally over. You can be happy. You just can't eat. (Devarim 12:18) 'You will eat before H' in the place H' chooses.... and you will be happy before H".' There are places to be happy. That is Jerusalem. Not here. Not with a forty-three minute Mincha Maariv. And Phil's double chin does not make anybody happy. Cover it up. You scared the kids... You can be happy here. It's just that you can't. Not with the front left. Can we be happy no in Jerusalem? Can we be happy in Topeka? With a congregation that doesn't even know how to play Wordle? Can you be happy in Jerusalem with our membership? No... The word was 'on-time.' If it was 'late' you would've gotten it. If it was 'drink alcohol before Musaf' you would've gotten it. If it was You can't be happy at camp, not in Jerusalem, when you're paying 12K for three weeks. Certain activities you do make you happy... Not seeing Phil without a beard makes me happy... Rivka’s Rundown The parents are truly not happy spending 12K a kid for camp. That's what makes it a Mitzvah. It's a way for them to feel the mourning of the Temple. They had a paper football tournament during Davening. Now you can't even concentrate for prayers in the chapel. Constant paper football playing going on. Since the rabbi's sermon, paper football is tantamount to learning Torah and living in Jerusalem. I had no idea it was Phil. He's a different man without the beard. The beard truly works for Phil. It's an excellent fat camouflage for him. The rabbi finally called somebody an idiot. I have been waiting for that for years. Messed up Davening times. They're fools. The 'on the calendar' thing is getting very annoying. They miswrote the wedding. The Simchawitz family had to pay eight thousand dollars for that faux-pa. 'It's on the calendar, so we do it.' That's the decision of the board. I am assuming that fifty years ago, the board members were just as dumb as they are now. The calendar got the date for Rosh Hashana wrong. The board almost decided to celebrater Rosh Hashana a week early. The shul Wordle game was a very frustrating project. That's all people were doing during the week. At least those discussions stopped me from having to hear about their children and their lawns. Everybody has been talking about their lawns this summer. And they all look disgusting. Unmowed. Trees not trimmed. Phil took more off his face than the Feinblooms took off their lawn. I couldn't believe nobody got 'on-time.' I can tell we didn't get a Minyin till 10:15am that day. The rabbi was waiting a very long time for people to show up. To make people happy, the rabbi decided we're going to have a weekly gaga game on Shabbis afternoons, before Shalishudis. Gaga makes people happy. I think it's the whacking the ball at other members of the shul that you can't stand. It brings a smile to your face. The rabbi said, 'We're not in Jerusalem, and we can't sacrifice animals. Even so, we can be happy if we hurt each other.' Tags:
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Why did the Jews working in Jerusalem wear denim? They were Levis. You get it? Levi’s. Levis. Levi’s are jeans, made out of denim. Do Levites wear jeans when working in construction. I would like to think they wear jeans when putting up buildings. 
The plastic Jewish diet spoon. I got it from the caterer who didn’t have enough cake. The spoon did make the souffle look bigger... Since using it for breakfast, I've taken off a lot of weight. I have noticed it now takes longer to eat cereal. And most of the time, the Golden Grahams fall off the spoon, helping with more weight loss. A quite utilitarian utensil.
That other spoon is the old spoon I used to use. It held the cereal and I ate. I'm not going to use that again. 
David Kilimnick - Israel's "Father of Anglo Comedy" (JPost) is not touring with his Israel solidarity show. Bring David to your community, college campus, shul, home, to share laughs of Jewish unity... 585-738-9233 [email protected]
Rambam Hilchot Rotzeyach (11:4-5) teaches that one who puts themselves in danger is violating the positive commandment of (Decarim 4:9) "Beware of yourself and guard your soul." Thus, it is important to not deal with congregants. As they can be very annoying. As with a deep hole, one should put a fence around the congregation, at least ten handbreadths high, so they stay away from you.
One must also not put themselves in a danger when traveling. Thus, one mustn’t travel to date, as that can lead to marriage. Categories
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
8/13/2023
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