Sermons of Rebuke III: Shoftim

By Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
No more cursing people under your breath, especially when it's loud.

When Michi does a breath out, he's mad. We are noting that to all in the congregation, as some members thought Michi likes them. He doesn't. He did a breath out the other day when the babka was taken out too early. He is actually cursing you out when he does the breath out.
 
We are sorry about the visitor. His Kaddish was not in tune and not on beat with our shul's cadence. Baruch leads the Kaddish. We must follow him, even though it's very slow and tedious and kind of makes you want to not live.
Let's not blame the guest for everything. Kaddish in our shul is still not on beat and without unison, without the guest.
 
A special consultant singer will be coming this week to teach our congregants how to be in unsion for Kaddish. They will also choose who the Chazin leader will be. BE"H it will not be Baruch. He is so off tune.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
The Layner took a long time today... You were reading from the Torah. You were not asked to meditate over it. And then the Haftorah. I feel like I'm sitting through Yom Kippur here... And Yom Kippur is coming soon... It's Elul, Baruch. You should feel guilty.
Teshuva. You have too much. That's the problem...

(Devarim 17:15-19) When you have a king, they should not have too many horses. Not too many wives. Not too much money. And he shall 'write for himself two copies of the Torah...' And they should not have a Layner that takes too much time...
Mishneh. Two. You don't lose copies?! After every one of my classes, I see sheets laying around.
Mishnah is to also learn. Two copies. To learn them... He should learn it. The king is not looking for a second job as a scribe.
He should learn it. 'And he shall read it all of his days.' Reading is learning... We call it learning. You don't read Torah. You learn it.
You learn it out loud. Learning is out loud... Learning is learning. That means reading.
Learn how to say Kaddish right... Yes. A more upbeat Kaddish. Kaddish is about celebrating life. Not hearing Baruch dying... It sounds like you're dying. That's how slow your Kaddish is...

Why learn it? Why all this not having too much? 'So that he will learn to fear H' his Gd, to observe all of the words of the Torah...' It's because you don't learn. And you have too many horses. Equestrianism is Asur... Then just have one horse.
Does your family need a third car?!
You have too much stuff. The one thing you don't have too much of is Jewish values. I said it...

No more under breath cursing. When you curse somebody under your breath, they hear you. They hear your under-breath cursing... You whisper very loud, Michi.... You called him an idiot... You don't learn the Torah under your breath. Because then it would sound like you're cursing the Torah. H' doesn't want kings cursing the Torah...
Your breath out is offensive too. Even when you suck in the stuff between your teeth it sounds offensive... Use a toothpick.

(Devarim 17:20) 'So that his heart doesn't become haughty.' It's about values. Haughtiness does not go along with Torah values. Having a lot and Layning very slow do not go along with Torah values.
Your breath out is a haughty heart.... Cause you expect stuff. You expect Chazins to not take 18 minutes for Haftorah... You're not making Challah...
You're not breathing out for your health. It's like you expect something. Kings should not breath out either.
The Layner made me want to do a breath out...

And it shortens you days. Haughtiness and having too much stuff shortens your days. As does being the rabbi of Beis Knesses Anshei Emes uSefilah.
When you have too much your days are shortened... Because you have to take care of the horses.
Donations...

Rivka’s Rundown
The rabbi just ended on 'donations.' A non sequitur. I think he's prepping for the Yizkur Appeal. Yom Kippur is where the rabbi shines. And he knows how good he does based on the money that they flip on the cards.
He would judge the success based on the money that comes into the shul. But people pledge a lot more than they donate.

The announcements always have spelling mistakes. 'Unsion.' I have no idea what that means.

The shul Kaddish tune is off. It's a weird one. One guy made it up and he forces everybody to follow. Truth is, it's impossible to get the Kaddish sayers in unison in our shul. They all mourn their own way, and it is very loud.
Who was the guest? That's a Chutzpah. You come into a shul and you learn the Kaddish cadence. Got to keep quiet and learn our shul tune, then join the Kaddish. It's a real damper on the mourning process when a random throws off the Kaddish.
I don't know what it is. Everybody has their own beat. We need a metronome for our shul Kaddish. Truth is, I think the guest was the only one who was in tune and on beat.

The rabbi did a step away during his sermon- a great move. It added a good amount of drama. Then he stepped back to the lectern and people stopped listening again.

The congregants got the wrong idea. They thought that now they're kings. The rabbi should've never taught them lessons from kings. Now, they all park in the disabled parking spot.

Michi breathes out all the time. He did a huge breath out when the guy took the coffee off the coffee maker too soon.
It's either a breath out or straight up curse. I would rather the straight up curse. With some of the older members of the congregation, you have no idea what they're saying. Some curse people with blessing them. One woman always says, 'She should live and be well.' That's when she hates them. I learned that's a curse, as she said, 'Michi should live and be well.'
I hope it's not Lashon Hara. Michi is a good guy. Just an angry guy.

Davening is taking way too long. I almost had to do a breath out.