Reasons I Didn't Do the Israeli Army: Too Old and American

by David Kilimnick

People want to know why I didn't serve in Tzahal. And they ask me with disgust. Let me be clear. I wanted to serve. As an Oleh, I felt it was my duty to join the IDF. They did not think so. And they were right. With that said, I made Aliyah as an old American.
I respect and appreciate all of the soldiers. As we say in Israel, Kol Hakavod, 'All of the honor to them.' Thank you.
Here are some of the reasons they didn't want me.
 
I Made Aliyah at Around Thirty & Now I am Over Forty
I am too old. They don’t want people jumping to the ground for target practice while grunting and complaining about their back.
Overweight middle aged guys don't make optimal soldiers. Snipers yelling 'there goes my back... Ahhhh!!!' is a coordinate giveaway.
 
I am Out of Shape
After I request that the enemy does not attack, there’s not much more I can do. Once they start running, that is where I stop. I have a heart that I have to watch out for. I don’t want to work up a shfitz.
If there was a mission to go to Gaza and eat, I would be of help. If there is a command to help finish a pizza in the old town of Gush Katif, I am your guy. 

I Would Look Like a Reservist
I wouldn’t of fit into the uniform. I would look like the guys on Miluim, doing their yearly one-month army reserves, trying to get away from the family so they can eat more.
When you have to make an oversized uniform, one size fits all, that's not good. Tight uniforms with missing buttons, covering beer bellies and baldness. are not scaring our enemies. A beer pong competition, the terrorists would stand no chance.

Many People Consider Israeli Soldiers A Very Good-Looking Bunch of People
I would kill that reputation. I would be the first soldier the tourists would not want to take a picture with.
Tourists would be giving me the camera to take the picture, just to make sure I didn't kill their Kotel pic.

Sergeants are Eighteen Years Old
I can’t take orders from somebody whose favorite song is 'Flowers' by Miley Cyrus. I don’t need somebody bossing me around whose favorite shows are on the Disney Channel. I have a hard-enough time taking care of my niece, I don’t want to have to watch over my commander.
I have a hard time respecting a leader who is still making kissy faces on Snapchat.

Soldiers Cannot Publicly Express their Political Sentiments
I am old. All I do is express my political opinions.

I am American Born of Very European White Tint
Camouflage would not work on me. Even with a tan, once sun hits my skin turns fluorescent red reflector vest shine.
 
I am American
You’ve heard us complain. Barracks? Don’t get me started.
 
I Don’t Smoke
The Israeli Army has the greatest amount of smoking people that are in good shape. It is an anomaly. I am not built with the native Middle Eastern body that can handle smoke and running.
Again, I am American. They don’t want somebody asking every soldier to leave the dining room, because there is a no smoking sign.

I respect all the soldiers. It's beautiful that they're able to defend our people. Such a Mitzvah. Kol Hakavod to them. And much respect to all the Milumnikim who can't run, and are still protecting our country. The heart of our IDF reservists, still smoking, never giving up. Committed to the cause.

There is my argument for why Americans, old people and I should not try help their country. When I think of it. In a way, I feel like Israel is a much safer place with me not serving. You can thank me for that. All of the honor to me. 
Thanks to me, tourists can get decent pictures.

Next time we shall go into more reasons I am not good for the army, such as how useless my masters in social work is when discussing family issues with terrorists.