More Reasons I Didn't Do the Israeli Army: My Lack of Military Ability

by David Kilimnick

Israel affords us the opportunity to live safely in this world as Jews. I have added nothing to that. I have done nothing to help the Jewish people live safely anywhere. In fact, I would probably say I am a detriment to the safety of the Jewish people. 
I wanted to serve the army, but they knew better. As we discussed last time, I am too old and American to be of help to the IDF. 
Some people are not fit for the army. Some people don’t fit into the army uniforms. I must say, I am one of them. Different people have different skillsets. My skills are better used talking to others about football. Other than being way too out of shape to walk around the base, here are more reasons Tzahal didn’t take me. 

It is the Israeli Defense Forces
You have to defend your country. I can't defend myself. I took up Krav Maga and I got hurt.
I would give in too easy. The first Krav Maga lesson, somebody came around my back and whacked me. I said, 'What was that?! That hurts. You win.'

I Couldn’t Serve for Three Years
I have never held down a job for more than eight months. I have an issue making it through eight hours.
 
I Studied Social Work
My experience doesn't help. I can talk with a terrorist about their issues with their dad. After that, I am not much help. If that doesn’t help the terrorist deal with their issues of aggression, we’ll never figure out the real problem.
 
Soldiers Are Not Allowed to Receive Gifts for Their Service
I would go right to military jail because of sweets. I’ve given soldiers cookies at the checkpoints. If people offered me pastry when serving, I would not resist. I will not say no to chocolate chips in baked form. I would even question my integrity for walnuts.
I would be very confused around Chanukah time. Family would probably give me stuff just to get me locked up. I haven't gotten a gift in years. I am sure they would start loading me up with Rubik's Cubes and poorly knitted sweaters, just to get me in trouble.

I Get Scared When Israelis Talk
The deep voice scares me. The sergeants are talking five octaves lower than natural human voice allows. I don't know how they get that low. They are speaking from their lower abdomen, where it connects to the legs.
I’m scared of the voice. If I had to go to war, I would be more scared of the Israeli side I was going to war with.

My Hebrew is Bad
Commands would go over my head. With the scary voice, I would be doing pushups by accident. They would be saying, 'Good morning,' and I would be getting down and giving them twenty.

Israeli Military Technology is Off the Charts
I still can’t figure out how to add an app to my android. I have no idea what an android is. I just found out it’s not a robot with free-choice abilities; though, my phone makes decisions on its own and does stuff that I don’t want it to do. Like writing nasty texts.

I Serve by Being Kind to My Neighbors
That is a bunch of hogwash. Though, saying that makes me feel better about myself.
 
Guard Duty is Too Hard for Me
I couldn't even do guard duty right. I don’t have the ability to sit in one spot for eight hours, having to finish 500 grams of sunflower seeds. 500 hundred is the size of the bag you have to finish on the shift.

I Did Guard Duty in Yeshiva and Me Holding a Gun is a Bad Idea
Based on past experience, it would be a bad idea for me to serve. I was learning to be a rabbi. Rabbis should not have guns. They are dealing with congregants. 
During rabbi gun training, I learned how to tell when a gun gets jammed, and then to find somebody who knows what to do. If there is an issue, I know how to call people for help. I had down yelling 'something is wrong' (Yesh Baya). I was great at screaming that I had no idea what was going on.
Each of us rabbinic students shot five bullets at the target and only five went in. That should've been thirty. I know those bullets weren’t mine; I was aiming at the target. After learning much Gemara at Yeshiva, I saw that Rashi doesn't give good Pshat on how to not hit the wrong target.
I don't know where the other twenty-five went. Lesson: If I am shooting at you, you have a better chance of living. If I have the gun aimed right at the felon, watch out. I will probably hit you. It's safer to be the criminal.

Maybe, one day the Israeli military will stop being so judgmental. They'll stop only wanting people who can shoot a gun correctly. One day they will stop fat shaming us out of shape people. One day they'll be more open to us and stop doing so much running. One day they'll understand the important use of a rabbi with bad aim who can counsel the enemy. Maybe one day all soldiers will be able to enjoy chocolate chip cookies legally.
​Till then, Israel is a safer place.