The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to our trip to Israel, shopping for a brand named after the sale and skewer safety, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his shopping experience at Walmart.
Saving up for Shabbis... When you have a lot of kids you buy the store brand. When you have twelve kids, you buy Great Value. Why the brand name is the advertisement for the sale is hard to explain... Walmart may be too embarrassed to put their name on it, but we are proud of the huge family. Truth be told, I saw the ‘Great Value’ and I didn’t even need a brand. If they had a brand 80% Off, all my clothes would be 80% Off. And that would be the style the kids wore to school. 80% Off written right on the shirt pocket... They may be embarrassed to put their name on it, but I am not embarrassed to eat it. And I also bought the Equate toothpaste. So much cheaper than Sensodyne, even if it doesn't clean teeth. I take pride in Walmart. It's my supermarket. I would find it a waste if I couldn't pick up my groceries and fish tackle. And I take greater pride in my FUBU sneakers I picked up as I finished shopping for the cottage cheese. I feel like I am making the world a better place with those shoes. If I didn't buy those kicks there would be third graders in Asia without jobs. It's my way of giving back... And yes, that's a Walmart still life.
Perfect bus seat technique. That's how you keep others away, and enjoy the comfort of Egged... He has his bag under his arm, working as an armrest and person. Headphones to not hear 'I need a seat.' He is looking straight, avoiding all eye contact... allowing him to read the sign in front of him that says 'stand before old people'... Between us. I never understood why the second seat is not just a bag holder.
Skewers are dangerous, and should not be handled by children without parental supervision. Kids should eat schnitzel only... Even if skewers are called Shipuds in Israel, to make them sound more friendly, they are still dangerous. And with the volatile situation in Israel, people should be IDed before they're allowed a Shipud.
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
My first time I went out in Israel it was for a drink. Me and a bunch of guys from the Yeshiva went out for a Lchaim. It was a Thursday night and we went for a beer. In Israel, Thursday nights are like Saturday nights, and I like that. It's better to bring a hangover to shul than work.
That first night out might have been a spiritual experience. I don't remember what happened. Though, it was Israel, so it was a holy night out drinking at the bars. I was new to the Yeshiva experience and I was good at it. Once the High Holidays came, the spiritual experience of partying in Israel changed. Thursday night after Rosh Hashana, my friend Yanky said, 'Let's go out tonight.' So, I went. You don't argue with Yanky, unless if you want a heated debate. He was a second year guy in the Yeshiva and he already learned how to scream at people when learning Gemara. Yanky was masterful at yelling at his Chavrusa, learning partner, which meant he knew what he was talking about. The more you reproach your Chavrusa, the better learner you are. Being a Chavrusa to Yanky was an honor that very few had. He was the perfect Chavrusa for learning Gemara Baba Kama. No other Chavrusa had the ability to make you feel like you were being scolded and abused while learning the laws of damages. We went up north. I thought we were going out. I didn't realize that meant a two hour drive. Going up north in Israel is a spiritual experience, as roads are windy and not lit, and you're dependent on Gd to not get hit by the falling rock. There was a sign that read 'Falling Rock,' which kind of scared me, as that meant rocks were falling right now. Adding to the spirituality of Israel, I said my first prayer at that moment. Not fully understanding the excitement of going up north, we ended up at the Rambam's grave-site, and Yanky started to scare me. I thought we were going out to party, and we were now at the graves of Tzadikim (righteous people). I had no idea what to think. I thought I might've joined a Yeshiva full of hedonists, who have some kind of grave-site rituals. Maybe it was part of the Yeshiva hazing process, where they tell you about righteous rabbis and then leave you in the graveyard to get eaten by ghosts. I was scared. And then the good times started to role. After the Rambam's Kever, we hit the graves of a few more rabbi's and even a prophet are two. We prayed. We had rugalach. We drank schnapps. And since then, going out has never been the same. The coolest thing of all. We prayed. We drank and prayed. And I got back to Yeshiva alive. And I was scared to talk to Yanky for a month and a half after that. Since that night out with Yanky, my life has changed. Now I know what going out means in the Frum world. Follow Up Notes It's a new form of partying I've taken on. That's how us religious people do it. What am I doing later tonight? I'm going up north and hitting some Kevers. It's just good times. The rabbis who have passed, Z"L, are what makes for the Thursday night experience. Last time we hit the Kever of the Rambam. Then we popped over to Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai. We even headed to Yonatan Ben Uziel. On the way back we stopped off at Rabbi Meir Bal HaNes. We got back to Jerusalem right when the bars were closing. Amazing. And we got free rugalach. Rugalach is the backbone of all Jewish events in Israel. And when its free, it's a real Simcha. Now I get excited to see dead people and take down a few. And I understand why Yahrzeit candles come in shot glasses. Can't wait to hit the Ari's Kever this Thursday night. It's going to be dope. Hit the grave and then go for a dunk in the cold bath. The Frum people call it a Mikvah. I used to do baseball tours. I now see there are Gedolim (important rabbis) that are buried all over the world. I'm going to definitely do a Kever tour of Europe. I think I'll enjoy seeing the graves more than the anti-Semites. How do I know who the more important rebbes are? I judge by the size of the hole by their grave. The bigger the rebbe the bigger the pit at his Kever. This allows for more notes to be tossed in. Though, older rabbis and righteous ancestors don't have note pits. In the 1200s, people didn't walk around with pens and Post-its. There are also more candles at holy Kevers of ancient rabbis. Tea lights also represent the holiness of our sages. The more tea lights the holier the sage. I'm still trying to figure out who the better rabbis are. It's very confusing. The Rambam's Kever doesn't have a tea light focus. Due to that, the Rambam's Kever is not a top party destination. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
ISRAEL
•Tel Aviv drops from first to third on most expensive city to live in. One more thing Israel is losing at. In order to aid in Tel Aviv reclaiming their spot as the most expensive city to live in, the city is making it impossible to park in without getting a ticket. And shawarma is up to 83nis a pita. Our Israel consultant, Tzachi, is now visiting the US to get a shawarma and falafel meal he can afford. •Bollywood will be coming to Israel to shoot the film Heroes of Haifa, focusing on a WWI battle against the Ottoman army, won by India with a dance troupe. ART & ENTERTAINMENT •A Jewish adaptation of A Christmas Carol is now to hit the stage, as the Hallmark network has not worked in enough Chanukah themed Christmas parties. 'A Hanukkah Carol, or GELT TRIP! The Musical' (JTA). Rachel (our senior writer) is very excited, as this should make it easier to help our kids integrate into Christian society. To quote Mark, 'There is not enough Christmas stuff out there. We need Chanukah to be more like Christmas. I hope this helps.' The creators hope that Christmas brings them a lot of money this Chanukah. •The Gett, a new play about Jewish divorce is out in the theaters. The director is hoping it can influence a higher level of divorce. Rabbi Matt Green, who is behind the production, has been trying to grow programming for 'cultural Jews' (JTA). As divorce is the number one practiced and beloved mitzvah in the Jewish community, Rabbi Matt feels it is important that all Jews first connect to Yiddishkeit through a Gett. •The new show on Netflix Mo claims Israelis kicked their family out of their home in Israel, though their family doesn't recognize that Israelis exist. JEWISH •Fordham University has decades worth of Jewish artifacts from the Bronx. 'A Catholic university may be the unlikeliest place for what may be the largest depository dedicated to the Jewish history of the Bronx' (NY Jewish Week). We did not know the Vatican had access to the Bronx when the Second Temple was destroyed. •Channukah themed pop-up bar is making its way to NY, from Boston, with drinks like the Latke Sour (JTA). How you fry a drink is still a question our staff has. We will have to go to check out how you serve a drink in a dreidel without spilling it. Mark has made it very clear that he can't wait to taste the Flamining Chanukiah and the Maccabee on the Beach. •The price of oil in tiny cup holders has gone up eight-hundred percent to $145 a pack of forty-four. Market speculators are saying the price is expected to go down to $9.99 on December twenty-seventh. They are still trying to figure out the reason for the price hike. ISRAEL POLITICS •Caroline Glick reports 'Arab Israelis are building an army.' Effie Eitam says, 'This is my old soldier ear which can hear... it is not just shooting at weddings' (JNS). It goes beyond the Arab Israeli tradition of shooting your new mother-in-law. Though many people are still trying to find ways to shoot their in-laws, many Israelis feel it is wrong to bring M16s to weddings. The Arab Israelis call this racism. •Iranian cyberattacks on Israel are up 70% (JNS). The US is going to attack the nuclear factory creating these cyber weapons. ISRAEL INNOVATION •Israel puts out the first frozen dessert machine to market. 'It’s Like A Nespresso Machine… But For Ice Cream!' (Janglo). Many people are made and have complained that the ice cream machine puts out the worst espresso they ever had. And you thought Shkeidei Marak, soup-nuts, was the height of Israeli creation. No, it is not. We've moved way past Ben Gurion's rice (it's shameful Ben Gurion didn't know the difference between pasta and rice). Now the people of the great country that brought you SodaStream are finding a way to make homemade ice cream more expensive. Like any local Israeli who has ever used a SodaStream, they will soon create a way to make the ice cream without having to purchase the capsules. ANTISEMITISM Antisemitism still exists. Kanye West is still around. •Our weekly Kanye quote (we tried creating jokes, but nothing is as ludicrous as what he said in his interview with Alex Jones): 'Obama was not the first black president. He was another Jewish president.' Kanye is sending a strong message to Kyrie Irving that Kyrie cannot compete with his anti-Semitic creativity. 'I'm much more anti-Semitically creative. Kyrie. Just wait till you hear what I say about Hitler and the Nazis. Catch this. "Evil should not be associated with Nazis. That's not fair to them."' Kanye then went on to blame the Jews for the price of gas, Pearl Harbor and his glasses that he lost the other morning. SPORTS •No greater place to show you hate Jews than sports. Australian-Jewish teenager Harry Sheezel gets picked third in the Australian Football League, causing antisemitism. As Australian Football fans said, 'It's because of the Jews that a Jew was picked.' •Israeli UFC fighter, Natan Levy, tells Kanye West (Ye) to come and see him. '...I will fight for my people in the octagon...' (JTA). We want to thank Natan for expressing the strength of our people. Natan will fight anybody who promotes antisemitism or racism in the octagon, as long as they way in at 155lbs or under. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The Kibbitzer Photo Album XVI11/25/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Parshat Chayei Sarah and good times at graves in Israel, the board games of Israel, and how people at David's shul will do anything to park in a handicap spot, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his anger at the congregants, and the amazing Israeli board games that teach our children that you need another person to play the game with.
Even the smilies have Yarmulkes in Israel. It's about educating the kids, and smilies are Jewish... Teaching children to get along with others, this is Memory for Two. We don’t play Memory by ourselves in Israel. It’s not a one-person game. It’s a group game. Sharing… Is it ‘for two people’ or ‘to remember two places on the board’? Either way, two is the number… I don’t understand how people are playing competitive memory for one in other countries. Are they flipping the cards and saying to themselves ‘I found one. That’s it. I won.’? That’s just cheating.
That game took me a while to figure out. I guess we do have Monopoly in Israel. They just got rid of the 'y'... Correct, Monopol is Monopoly in Hebrew, which is why it costs an extra $35... They have a space for the Jerusalem light rail. Nobody buys it, because when the other players land on it they never pay, unless if they get caught.
Exactly. That's exactly what the people at shul do. The sign explains it. You only need the permit. The permit and enough health to walk. That's how healthy people in our shul understand the sign. Display the permit. That's what you need to do. No wheelchair. Just a permit. A graphic of somebody with a wheelchair. Park and display the permit and run to Minyin... You need the tag. You need your health and a sticker you got from family. Preferably a member from the family who’s not healthy… All I know is I never see a wheelchair coming out of that spot. The people in wheelchairs are usually being pushed from the other side of the lot.
This is how religious Jews party in Israel. They go to gravesites. Be it Parshat Chayei Sarah, a Sukkot concert, or just a good times night out in Hebron or up north by the Rashbi's tomb with some Hisbodidus and rugulach. It’s always good times at the Beit Kvarot… Sometimes there’s some good schnapps. They love it. ‘What are you doing tonight?’ ‘I’m hitting the Rambam’s grave.’
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
BILL 2 – People Must Work the Month of Tishrei Even if There are Holidays in September and October
Act Force people to work on work days. Problem Nobody works from Rosh Hashana till the week after Sukkot. a) My electricity was out in my place. The electric people couldn’t come till after Sukkot. They said it was a holiday, and they were angry that I disturbed the holiday for them. The electric people were enjoying the holidays. I believe they had electricity. b) They just got off summer vacation. c) How do they have sick days too? d) The people I need help from see the summer through the holidays as a straight vacation. Even when the holidays go through October. e) Garbage doesn’t get picked up. Sanitation said they have a right to vacation too. f) I heard the school year started, but I saw no kids in school all of September or October. g) The week after Sukkot is not a holiday. Solution Work on the days that are not holidays. If there is a holiday in a month, that does not make the whole month a holiday. a) No countrywide conspiracy to get out of work for a whole month. b) No more unions in government supported agencies. The union and the government together with holidays, these people are never working. c) No more non-religious people claiming they are religious for September and October. I do Teshuva every Yom Kippur. I think this is a scam. d) People who work for the government cannot make up random rules that ruin my life, like a dedicated piece of the Tel Aviv beach for Matkot. e) Choose if you want off for the summer or the whole first month of the school year. You get a choice. You can’t have both. Nobody cares if you have to cook for your family. When their water stopped and they can’t pay the bill because nobody is taking calls, they don't care about your extra vacation… With this in mind, we are going to introduce the concept of shifts. The idea is that some people work on days when other people need to take off. This way I don’t get screwed, and the garbage gets taken. And ELAL remains an airline next September. f) People who work for the government have to work, sometimes. I understand that's not going to be a popular part of the bill that government will have to pass. Let’s add this here- People who work for the government have to know what their job is, and what they're doing. If you work for Mas Hachnasa (Israel Tax Authority) and you give a fine, you have to know what that fine is for. It can't be a decision you came up with because you don't like Davids. Even if that's how you decided you shouldn't be working the month of September, how my name causes so much revolution is beyond me. g) Start school in October. The two days of school in September are not enough time to teach our traditions of Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and how to scam days off work. And don’t tell me that knowing how to make a paper chain means you learned about Sukkot. h) No more summer vacation. They are not working anyways. Better yet, no more vacation. i) When January comes around, you can’t claim that we are close to the southern hemisphere and we should be vacationing now too. j) Introduce Labor Day to the guy at my Makolet, so he knows that he should start working normal hours again. When they see the holidays they think there's another vacation. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The Kibbitzer Photo Album XIV9/30/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to our trip to the Jewish Homeland, Rosh Hashana, and Israel's commitment to cats, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how he isn't willing to donate money, even when the nonprofit gives him a calendar.
Israel is the most cat friendly country... Many people used to be scared of cats. Scared to throw out trash in Jerusalem. Scared to get attacked for leftover scraps. Now, we appreciate what Israel does for the preservation of the feline. New Deli, we thank you for what you do for your kindness to animals, and your excellent burgers... To note: The tables were full of food. Not one person cleaned their table for the half hour the cat was there.
Rosh Hashanah is coming up and I now have enough calendars. To note, they will not get any donations from me. At least until they start sending books about rabbis again, they’re getting nothing from me... I apologize to all. I had more calendars, but I threw some of them out when I realized they all had the same date for Yom Kippur… Side Notes: I shall not fall for this calendar mailing scheme this year. Until they go back to sending me books, they're getting nothing... And somebody please tell them that once somebody goes to Olam Haba (the world to come), they can't send you money anymore. LAliyas Nishama to all of those who have moved to Olam HaNishamot (world of the souls) and are still receiving letters from Jewish organizations (they never give up).
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
I said goodbye to my parents. They thought they were losing a son. They weren't losing me. I just wasn't going to see them anymore.
My mom said I wouldn't call, but I told her that I have to. Kibud Av vEim is a Mitzvah, as I explained to my Mom that I would call her because God said I have to. So, she accepted God. She now liked God, and I did my part in Kiruv (bringing a Jew closer to Yiddishkeit- Judaism- I will explain every word, as I want you to also become religious). The flight was to Israel for Yeshiva. My parents wanted to know why I gave up. They assumed that giving up a steady job as an industrial engineer is not normal. They thought that it made no sense to give up a six-figure contract that was set for the next eight years. They've never been to Jerusalem. I told them, 'Torah.' It was then that they knew Torah was an excuse to not work. And I love Torah. I made the flight on time. It was the first of many miracles. I was late. Saying goodbye to my parents took way too long. They never learned about Bitul Zman (wasting time from Torah). The greatest miracle was that half of the passengers on the plane were late. I am assuming that the pilots know it takes a long time to explain to your family that you are giving up your job for connection with God. I got on the plane and sat next to a tiny human, called a child. Another great miracle. I had space. Then, a religious woman wanted to change seats with me. Not a miracle. That was my first test. As Avraham had ten tests, God was testing me as well (I don't say Lord, as I am not catholic- I am Jewish and thus I refer to God). Giving up a good seat on the plane was my first. She said she wanted to sit next to her husband. She said it was my duty as a religious Jew to let her sit next to her husband. I had not yet learned that Mitzvah. But I was looking forward to learning about it in Yeshiva. As I changed seats, I realized she just didn't want to have to sit next to a huge guy who insisted on lifting up the armrest, so he could have enough room to fit. She wanted more space. Maybe it's a Mitzvah to give people space. I don't know. I believe they bought separate seats, because there was one aisle seat, and there was no seat next to that aisle seat. And her husband wasn't going to not take the aisle seat. The huge guy, I ended up next to, taught me about the word finagle, as he was whacking me with his elbow and sweating on me. There was no food on the first leg of the flight. The rabbi at shul didn't teach me that you have to order Kosher food, and then call to make sure they have your Kosher food, and then to check again to make sure they know, and then to explain that you really need a separate meal that is Kosher. I thought you just tell them you want Kosher and check the Kosher box, and then you'll get it. I hope the Gemara has a lesson on how many times you have to call the airline to make sure you have a Kosher meal. On the second leg, another miracle occurred. I got food. The airline didn't have my name on the food list. But they had the name of the woman I gave my seat to. The next thing I know, they had an extra meal for me, and my name was Malkie. Then, I got another meal. Somebody said they didn't trust the Hashgacha (kosher supervision). I began to respect people who are Machmir (stringent), and don't trust other rabbis, and I had food. Another miracle. The dinner was only enough food for a snack, and it lasted the whole flight. I am on my way to Israel and I am experiencing all the great miracles of our people. I told myself at that time that I would eat every day, to commemorate the little food that lasted the whole flight. I also committed to eating more than the chicken sliver strip if I was ever going to be Fleishiks again (Fleishiks means I meat, and once I eat meat I have to wait six hours to eat dairy- which is why Jews don't eat meat for breakfast, and why I will never eat meat before 8pm). The greatest miracle of all. I fell asleep on the huge guy's chest. The little space I had on the plane, was enough to sleep for one night. And to this day, I commemorate that with sleeping. Judaism is about commemorating. I commemorate the oil that lasted eight days, the freedom from Haman, and being able to sleep in discomfort. When I disembarked, I made it through security. That was a miracle, as I was smuggling in a lot of deodorant. B"H they didn't ask me. It was God's hand involved in my trip. The Mitzvah of giving up my seat so that somebody else could enjoy the flight. The food that lasted me the whole flight. The not feeling bad about my parents crying as I left. And the most amazing miracle of all. As I entered Israel, they all welcomed me. I don't know what they said. It was Hebrew. But they welcomed me in the holy language of the Torah. Such a Kiddish H.' Only in Israel do they speak Hebrew. In Israel, Brooklyn, and hotels around the world on Pesach. But they speak Hebrew in Israel too. And they welcomed me, 'Bruchim HaBaim HaBayta.' As I learned later, 'Welcome home.' With all the sad goodbyes, I was home. My belongings weren't there and I had to share a bunk bed with a thirty year old man, but I was home. And I told my non-religious parents I was home, and they weren't happy. And my mom doesn't like God that much right now. My luggage wasn't there. Yet, they said you can live without your luggage. Only in Israel, the Holy Land, does one not need such physical Gashmiyus, like your belongings. You only need your Neshama and Tzitzis (which I was wearing). When we stepped out of the airport, I was told to kiss the holy ground. Only in Israel is the ground so clean that you can kiss it. Ten days later, my luggage came. Another miracle. Follow Up Notes I don't believe the holy ground was swept. I did take in a dust ball as I kissed the holy land. I still haven't called my mom. Nonetheless. I'm learning. If I ever get reception in Yeshiva, that will be another huge miracle. My mom will appreciate that miracle. Right now, she doesn't like God or Golan Telecom very much. In Yeshiva, we learn in Aramaic. I understand none of it. I still can't tell you if it's a Mitzvah to give up your seat on the plane for somebody who wants a better seat. I am now saving up for a first-class ticket. I don't believe they ask you to do Mitzvahs in first class. I understand that this story is inspirational. It has inspired many in their journey towards being good Jews. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Scene
EXT - CAR - DAY The car is with this man for three days. He hasn't even checked it yet. He gave the car a quick glance and came back to David to explain the situation. David sits in the Israeli mechanic's car, and the mechanic gives a soft inspirational speech to David. The mechanic is religious, with a Yarmulke on. As is David. Mechanic: You must to have Emunah. Faith. David: I need my car fixed. I need somebody I have faith in to fix my car. Mechanic: You need Emunah. Dis is de problem. David: I have belief in God. Can you fix my car? Mechanic: You in rush. If you have Emunah, you no rush. David: Yes. I am in a rush. I only have two days to get the car fixed. Then I have to go to America. Mechanic: If you Emunah. You won't no be in a rush. David: It sounds like Emunah moves very slowly. Why does Emunah move so slow? Can you fix the car? Mechanic: I have Emunah. David: Your car works. We're sitting in it. It drives. If I had a car that drove, I would have Emunah. Can you fix the car? Mechanic: You must to relax and have Emunah. David: I don't have time to relax. Mechanic (giving a soft look to say 'you see'): See. You no have Emunah. David: I'm taking the car to another mechanic. One who works and doesn't have Emunah. David is leaving the car. David: And I know that you didn't used to wear a Kippah. You can't fool me with that. I know you're ripping people off. Kibbitzer Conclusion This guy had Emunah. But he didn't fix my car. Why couldn't he just fix my car. I believe, at some point, he thought my name was Emunah. I am still trying to figure out how the mechanic turned into my rabbi. It is beautiful to have such devout mechanics in our country. The only issue is, the devout mechanics charge more. The cab driver also gave me a spiritual speech, when I told him I'm late to the wedding. He told me you have to have Emunah, and he drove very slow. And the cab ride ended up costing a lot. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Hebrew is important and we have to connect with the Holy Land. However, more important than Hebrew is sounding Israeli. Otherwise, you will get ripped off. Here are some of the secrets I have learned over the many years, for how to sound like a native.
Sound Angry They're not angry. It's just how they sound. It's how you greet people. You want to sound and look angry. The angriest sounding person I ever heard was a father giving a speech at his daughter's wedding. He angrily said, 'My daughter just got married!!! Mazal Tov to me!!! I am very happinessie. I want to thank everybody for coming and sharing in our Simcha!!!' Such joy. Note: And add letters to words. An 'ie' goes well at the end of every word. Sounding angry also helps you when there's a long line. If you sound extremely angry and unstable, people will let you cut. I have also used this technique in American inner cities, and it has helped with my safety. Ehhhh Say 'Ehhh' whenever there is a pause in what you want to say. Otherwise, the other person will have a chance to talk. You don't want that. That kind of give and take will kill a conversation. To note, also touch the other person's arm in the middle of the conversation. It forces them to stay and listen to your other jokes. Talk in a Voice Four Octaves Lower Than Your Natural Voice Allows I don't know how these tiny men and women have such deep voices. However, they are extremely deep, and scary. It might have something to do with the wars and all the enemies surrounding Israel. The Israelis talk in real low voices and the enemies think they are huge and angry. They run. It's like voice camouflage. And it gets you better deals at the shuk. Welcome People with a Command When you say 'Hello,' say it in command form. We are very connected to the Tzahal, the Israeli army, and we support it. The first time an Israeli said hi to me, I got scared. They came over to me, 'Shalom!!!!' My response was, 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.' And then I started doing push-ups. Very scary. Attack them with a 'Mah Shlomcha!!!!' You ask that question of greeting with a strong command of 'How are you?!!!!!' This way, you get an answer. Hello is a Competition Be ready for the greeting competition. If you apply yourself, you can win. There will be back and forths, even during the week. Don't back down. Give and takes: Be healthy. Be Mazal. Be strong. Enjoy your new shoes. Enjoy your new sandals. Blessed be God. Never use, 'Blessed be God' until it's over. It's too easy. Once you get them to go there, they've lost. Shabbat is very hard to be prepared for. They will one-up you. You come at them 'Shabbat Shalom,' and they're going to top you with 'uMvorach!!!' And a blessed Shabbat to you!!! You've got to be ready. Holidays are much harder. You come to them with a 'Moadim LSimcha' and immediately they got you with 'Chagim uZmanim LSason!!!' To translate, 'Times of Happiness.' 'Holidays and times of rejoice to you!!!' Command Your Kindness This is how you welcome guests. The beautiful Mitzvah of Hachnasat Orchim isn't a question. You ensure they are coming. Kindness is better when they have no way out. 'You come for dinner!!! I feed you!!!' Now there is no question if you're having guests. They are coming. You command them, 'I pass you salt!!!' You now know they will respond, 'OK. I will have salt.' No need to worry if they're enjoying the dinner. You command them, 'You have a good time!!!' They will.They're too scared to not enjoy themselves. Note: Leaving out words from your sentences scares them into enjoyment even more. Leave Out the Last Letter When You Speak English Monopol is Monopoly. Shop is the verb. Hence, 'We go shop.' Even better, leave out words. You don't say, 'We go to the Kotel.' Proper Israeli English is, 'We go Kotel.' Pronounce Every Silent Letter That Not Supposed to Be There This Knowledge. Pronounce the 'K.' Always pronounce it. Knife. Knowledge. Listen. Add letters, if you like. Happinissie. Just remember to pronounce the letters you add yourself. Knowledge? No. 'Knowledgie' is the correct word. You added the 'ie.' LincoLon. That was the presidentie. Make People Feel Like They Did Something Wrong Use your hand for this. You put your fingers together, with your fingers facing up. Then bring your hand out to chin level, with a slight bend in the arm. It is at that height that the other person will know they did something wrong. Make a 'ti' sound with your tongue while holding your hand out with fingers together. This ensures that there is no mistake that they did something wrong. When you address them, it should feel like you're calling a dog. If you bring bend a little, they might even think you have food for them. You can also bend your head, and then shake it. That's the topper. They will think they did something wrong. Don't Sound American Every other citizen from anywhere else in the world sounds closer to an Israeli than an American. If you're American, chances are you will never fully master these techniques, without my coaching. I would suggest you just grunt and point a lot. Maybe do an 'ehhh' sound. Otherwise, you will get ripped off. We'll work on Arabic names next time. Machmud, Achmad, Waleed. Just open your mouth, yawn and growel. That's the best I can do to help you pronounce Middle Eastern names properly. Israelis are amazing people. Take their kindness and understanding of the true use of silent letters, and enjoy the beauty of their giving. Just make sure they don't use words like sheet, beach, or focus. It sounds wrong. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The Kibbitzer Photo Album XIII8/31/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to the joy of BBQs during the Nine Days, Tu BAv love and excitement of seeing your name on a Coke bottle in Hebrew, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing how the only thing in Israel that excites him is a Coke bottle.
That sidewalk is known as a great pickup spot. Check out the guy putting on the moves. Great line. ‘Nu. You going to Ma’alot Dafna?’ It works all the time. Many people have met their Bashert due to buses showing up late... The other couple is killing the vibe. They've got to give some space. They’re the same people that sit next to the date at the coffee shop. Single people need space. It's awkward talking about how many kids you want in front of other people. (photo: Adam Jones, seen on Wikipedia)
No feeling like having your name on a Coke bottle. And in Hebrew. Is there any other reason to move to Israel???! That's the reason for Aliyah right there. Jerusalem is a close second. BTW If somebody finds Boris, please let him know I have his bottle. I would like to return it to him. Hashavas Aveida.
‘The Race to Shabbis’ is the real title. The English name is off, as the Israeli movie title translation team worked on it. Package says, 'the game of Shabbos preparation- lots of fun...' Kids can play this instead of cleaning the house and running to the grocery, to help their parents prepare for Shabbis. Not helping makes Shabbis more fun... So much education in this game. I want to thank Feldheim’s for these educational games they put out, which teach the children that as long as you are preparing for Shabbat, it is fine to steal from the grocery store. The real question here is, who is that kid running from?... And why do they see Jewish kids like that?
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
INTERNATIONAL
We like to start with the international news first, as it includes all the news. We'll then break it down to give the feeling like there is more to the news than what is happening around the world. •The pilgrimage to Rav Nachman's gravesite in Uman is being called off by the Ukrainian government this year (JTA). To quote one not very prominent rabbi, 'I guess there's no Rosh Hashana this year.' Many Jewish leaders are amazed at the Ukraine's ability to call off a Jewish holiday. And now many chasidim from all over the world are willing to go to war. To quote, 'If I have to go to war, I will. Anything to not have to spend Rosh Hashana with my wife.' Other fringe groups of Frum Jews have decided to just not do Rosh Hashana. As one representative said, 'If I have to be with my family, what's the point in praying?' •Jews are flocking to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates thanks to new relations with Israel. And the people of Dubai are already finding ways to make money off Jews. And that means selling food. As the Israeli tourists made clear, 'We don't care about your country. We traveled here for a bit to eat.' To quote David Rubin: 'Kosher catering has opened in Dubai. We discussed this during Kiddush at our shul last week. Which means it's newsworthy. We all agreed that they will need to open a second Kosher caterer in Dubai so Jews feel at home, and can say how much they hate the first caterer.' To note, all the people at Kiddush hate the other shul. David also reported on the new kosher bakery that has not been doing well. 'Feh,' snapped Mrs. Stein. 'Ahmed's bakery in downtown Dubai has better bagels than you.' It turns out that Mrs. Stein is an anti-Semite who thinks only Jews eat bagels. SHUL LIFE •The Gabai (sexton) couldn’t find a Kohen this past week to call up to the Torah for an Aliyah. He asked the congregation in the middle of davening, from the Bima (stage), 'Is there a Kohen here?' He turned to the membership and announced it. He did not ask silently. The Shul is now a shtiebel. LOCAL •There's a sales tax moratorium in New York State. Now people are happy to purchase a dozen eggs for five dollars. That includes Jews. As Rachel said, 'That means it's Jews news.' RELIGIOUS •JNS reports that a Mikvah, ritual bath, was uncovered near the Temple Mount, during a Hebrew University excavation, or by some students skipping class. How did they know that it was a ritual bath? No bar of soap was found there. The students jumped in and they were not clean. It's a Mikvah. ISRAEL •Another election will be taking place in November. The last elections were held in March of 2021, causing many neighborly fights. To quote Tzachi's neighbor (Tzachi is our man on the ground in Israel), 'We didn't have politics to fight over, so I knocked over his garbage can.' Many Israelis have been reported as saying, 'It's been too long. We need something to do. The past year has been very annoying. We need something to vote on.' One unnamed citizen complained, 'My husband stopped eating meat. Now we can't even vote on going out for meat or dairy.' One innocent bystander said, 'We don't even have anything to protest. We already fired the rabbi at our shul.' •(Janglo) Israel has taken in tens of thousands of Ukrainian refugees. All of whom are protesting the Israeli government. And none of which read the Janglo website. Thanks to the war in the Ukraine, Yisrael Beiteinu are now favored to win the upcoming elections. They are slated to receive eight new government seats. In response, Avigdor Lieberman wants to thank Putin for all he has done. •Israeli broadcast is in trouble for broadcasting from Mecca. 'Israeli Channel 13 chief international news editor Gil Tamari is facing criticism for breaking a Saudi ban on non-Muslims visiting Mecca' (JNS). The Israeli broadcaster figured that if he can't go to the Temple Mount to do a broadcast, he might as well go to Mecca. In Israel this was reported as, 'Israeli is in trouble again. The world doesn't want Israelis visiting.' •Ben Shapiro visited Israel and gave a speech to a packed audience, where he explained why he didn't move to Israel. To quote an attendee, 'He is so eloquent and convincing. I am moving back to America. As a new Israeli, his message of not being in Israel speaks to me.' Now, many of the Olim, immigrants to Israel, have decided to make Yeridah, and leave Israel. What Ben Shapiro left out of his presentation is that he has not made Aliyah, because he is making a lot of money. Ben Shapiro finally made it clear that Israel is not 'a light unto the nations.' The real light to the nations is the Jews that can afford a decent home in Hollywood, Florida. •London-based, pro-ISIS preacher calls for jihad against Israel (JNS). The Kibbitzer staff is questioning if this is news. Please let us know if this is news. JEWISH COMMUNITY •Anti-Semitism still exists. •J has substituted the word Jewish. JFamily. JPeople. JDate. To quote Mark, 'Thank God. Jewish is too long. All religions and people should be limited to one letter.' Muslims are in discussion of claiming the letter 'm.' It started with Sesame Street when they said, '"J" is for Jewish.' Now we know it does. It turns out that the world hates the letter 'J' now. SPORTS •The French Super Cup will host a match in Israel, at Bloomfield Stadium, with Messi and no Israelis. This is the most exciting game to ever happen in Israel. The president of Israel's soccer association wants to reassure the Israeli fans, 'We're doing everything we can to not have Israelis playing in Israel.' •The 21st Maccabiah is on its last stretch. Jews pulled in a lot of medals at this years Maccabiah. Israel did amazing. The Israeli swim team is feeling very successful, thinking about not competing in the next Olympics. One gold medalist said, 'We're amazing. We're pulling so many more medals when nonJews are not competing.' To quote the winning basketball team, 'We are so proud to win this. As Jews, we feel that this will bring a lot of pride to our people.' •Joel Embiid, the center for the Philadelphia 76ers, dances the hora at Jewish friend's wedding. That's exciting. It's always makes Jews feel good when famous nonJew does something Jewish. It gives us the hope that they'll convert. It's almost as exciting as seeing a Jew in a movie; Jewish attendance quadruples at movies that has a Jew in them. We're hoping that the hora was very meaningful and that Joel Embiid will now accept upon himself the laws of the Torah. We don't know if he truly danced the hora, as most Jews reported that he's tall, and that's it. If they would've been able to see his head, they would've been more excited to report that he's wearing a yarmulke. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
BILL 1 – Streets Must Have Same Street Name on Same Street
Act To give streets uniform street signs with the same name, continuing on a street for more than a block. Problem I can’t figure out what street I am on half the time. a) King George does not need eight different names. People get lost trying to continue straight, just trying to figure out if it is the same street. b) I can’t give directions to people in Jerusalem, telling them, ‘Continue straight onto Strauss St., and then straight onto King George St., and straight onto Keren HaYesod St. Then continue straight onto Emeq Refaim St. And then, continue straight, with a tiny bear to the right, which is straight on Yochanan Ben Zakai St. And then straight at the roundabout, which is right, but straight, to Pat...’ I cannot justify how that is all one street, by explaining that it is still King George, even though it's not. Even Waze can’t figure what straight it is, at that point. Solution One street name per street. a) Find other ways to honor citizens and historical figures that no child knows. Though they should know the names of Israel’s presidents, Talmudic figures and those of the Bible, our street signs do not need to be used as educational tools. Street signs will be used as ways of helping traffic flow better, and a useful tool for finding my friend Mark’s house, on Emeq Refaim. School will be used to educate the children. b) History class must provide historical textbooks, with historical figures, so that students don’t have to tour the city anymore to learn who Miriam, Rebbe Zeira and Ben Gurion were. Which also slows down traffic. c) Plaques. Give people plaques. That is how you honor them. That is what shuls do. Find a spot in Jerusalem and fill it with plaques. I understand that many synagogues have a problem with this, because too many people die; even so, they find room. I believe we can take away one of the walls of the Nachlaot area of Jerusalem, which people hanging out in the shuk have designated as a place to pee late at night, and we can make the wall holy and memorable, with plaques. I do suggest we clean it. The Kotel also has a lot of space. Thank God, that is not in Nachlaot. d) No honoring anybody that was born within the last sixteen hundred years. We have too much history in the Holy Land. We are still having a hard time finding new streets for the rabbis from the Talmud and the first destruction of the Temple. We have stuff from 3,000 years ago. Let’s focus on that for a bit. We should be honoring Pinchas Ben Elazar Ben Aharon. Why is there no Pinchas Street? The corner between Yochanan Ben Zakai and Pat should be Pinchas Street. He deserves it. e) Keep street names for a street, as that street continues. No changing street names every half a block. The names will remain the same, even if we have to use house numbers that go into the hundreds. A future bill will deal with roundabouts and numbers of buildings jumping from 2 to 6 to 149 to 38, on the same side of the street. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The first Aliyah, Jewish people moving to Israel, as a nation, was after forty years in the desert. It would've been sooner, if the people didn't listen to the spies. But Jews love not listening to their rabbis. They brought back huge grapes, and people were scared. Big fruit can be frightening. I too would've been worried about staining my shirt.
Until recently, American Jews have remained scared to move to Israel, due to the masses of fruit in the shuk. Aliyah started building up in America when the parents began sending their kids to Israel to check out the land in the 1980s. They sent their kids to Jerusalem. The Yeshiva students went up in Jerusalem, and stayed there. A group of Yeshiva kids came back to America with a huge shawarma. One of the dads saw the size of the shawarma and said, 'We're moving to Israel.' A few years later, in the 1990s, word started spreading around the New York area that the laffas (Eish Tanors) are huge. The Jewish people were inspired and they said, 'We will not let huge portions keep us out of the Holy Land.' They were clusters of shawarma. To see their Yeshiva kids, coming home after their year in Israel, carrying poles with clusters of shawarma was such a miracle. Kedem was discussing whether they should change their logo to a picture of men carrying a pole full of huge clusters of shawarma. The conversation of mass Aliyah continued, until one prominent figure in Teaneck said, 'We must move to Israel. The land that God promised us, flowing with chumus and tachina... It's a land flowing with chumus and tachina, and shawarma.' Many Yeshiva kids were stuck, as their parents purchased one way tickets, and the prices went up. So, parents had to wait till after Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, to receive the news, when the price of tickets went down. More Yeshiva kids came back to America and confirmed, 'We are huge in their eyes. They are much smaller than us. We are very heavy, and we eat too much.' Discussion grew, as many students spoke out, 'The people who live there eat salad.' The anti-Aliyah movement said, 'There are Israelis there. They know how to bargain much better than us. And they eat salad.' Then the Jewish American said, 'They live in New York and Florida too. We can do it... I believe there are less Israelis in Israel.' And so they made Aliyah. And then Nefesh BNefesh started, and people decided to make Aliyah, because they paid you to do it. There was much argument, for there was a chance to bargain. As the Oleh said in the meeting, 'And will I not spend another twenty thousand dollars in Israel. You should give it to me.' Once word got out that you don't have to pay for your child's Jewish day school education, American Aliyah reached an all time high. Americans are now spending more money on shawarma than ever before. And they are the heaviest people in Israel. And that is the history of the American Aliyah. I do not know why falafel didn't inspire the American Jews to move to Israel. It may be because it's too hit or miss. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
How did staying up all night become a tradition on Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day? That is a good question.
The first people who stayed up all night on Yom Yerushalayim were those devout students who came to learn Torah in Israel in 1967. They thought it was Shavuot. Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galuyot, the second day of the holidays that Jews celebrate in the Diaspora, had them all discombobulated (a term used a lot in the 1960s). They heard there was a holiday at the end of the Omer, and they thought to celebrate Shavuot the right way, staying up all night and going to the Kotel. The rabbis caught the devout pupils and let them know that Shavuot is a week away, and that they miscounted the Omer. One of the pupils responded, 'We lost count of the Omer weeks ago.' The other Talmid said, 'I stopped counting with a Bracha after the second day.' And the rabbis knew they had done a good job with these Talmidim. When these trailblazers of the late ‘60s noticed all the religious Jerusalemite Jews driving, they understood that their rabbis were correct even though they speak English, and it wasn't a Torah holiday. First, they questioned if the Jews were in their cars to flee the war, but the Six Day War had ended. That was another argument. Some people thought it was a six-year war. The military insisted that it was called the Six Day War because they stopped fighting after six days. The political arguments and fighting in the Knesset lasted six years, causing for the confusion. Dumbfounded Students The students still didn't understand. The pupils asked what the day was, and the rabbis told them it was a day to celebrate the reunification of Jerusalem. The students didn’t understand, as Jerusalem was already unified. They argued that they could go anywhere in the city. The Yeshiva students were forced to learn about the military and what history is, and thus became heretics. Discussions of how long two thousand years is took place. That got nowhere, as the Jewish people decided to agree to disagree. The Talmidim were still trying to figure out why there was another Aliyah LaRegel, going up to Jerusalem for the holiday, if this wasn't a Regel. Yet, the rabbis said, ‘This is a holiday, and Jerusalem is part of the name. So, you go up to Jerusalem. Jerusalem. Jerusalem.’ The students didn’t know how to take this. To quote Menachem, 'Rabbi. There are so many holidays in the Torah. I've already lost my last three jobs due to holidays. I don't think I can take more days off for another holiday.' So, the rabbis all agreed that you can shower on Yom Yerushalayim. The rabbis also declared that you can work on this day, which is why nobody works on Yom Yerushalayim. The Rabbis Insisted The rabbis explained that it's because of this day that we can go up to Jerusalem for the holidays, so they insisted on the holiday. And the rabbis started to give speeches till late at night, at Merkaz HaRav, to continue to convince people that this is an important day. Thus, every year, we start Yom Yerushalayim by listening to speeches by rabbis at Yeshivat Merkaz HaRav; the people need to be re-convinced every year that Yom Yerushalayim is an important day. The students were confused by having to listen to rabbis. To quote Menachem again, 'This feels like Shavuot.' So, they decided to be safe and to stay up all night, like on Shavuot, and go to the Kotel. They didn't learn. Though, it was still very meaningful as they stayed up all night. The students still had questions. 'How is it a holiday if we can shower?' The rabbis had no answer. They just knew how bad the people smelled from walking to the Kotel, and they didn't want to have to deal with students coming up to ask questions, smelling real bad. The rabbis then reiterated the Yom Yerushalayim tradition of going to the Kotel, and 'you can't shower at the Kotel washing stations, as the basins are too small to bathe in.' Arguments of Tradition Continue It turned out that walking was big in the '90s and started to die out in the early 2000s, until 2018 when Jewish people thought that it would be a great tradition to walk to the Kotel on Yom Yerushalayim, to show their love for Jerusalem and to get in steps. Health is very important. To quote the mayor, 'Obesity is the new war of Jerusalem.' Everybody hates that mayor for being the cause of baked falafel balls. As they used to walk from Merkaz HaRav, larger groups started walking from the entrance of the city to the Kotel. And the tradition thus remains of walking to the Kotel on the night of Yom Yerushalayim, as the traffic is too bad to take a car. Why Not Sleep? Ever tried sleeping at the Kotel?! Staying up all night began once they realized how uncomfortable it is to sleep on Jerusalem Stone. I once heard of a man falling asleep on Jerusalem Stone, at which point they started the tradition of thousands of Zionistic Yeshiva kids dancing all night. They even started bringing bands. You can't sleep through that. They take out flags. Bands are playing. It's Gezel Sheyna (stealing sleep), and stealing sleep is forbidden. Why Not Go Home? The dancing would go till 3am, at which point there’s no way for these kids to get home. Nobody thought that part out. Thus, you have the Yom Yerushalayim tradition of staying up all night at the Kotel and homeless shelters in Jerusalem. There were heretics who claimed that staying at the Kotel all night was not important. Once the deniers of all night Kotel staying got the Kotel, they realized that they left their cars at the entrance of the city. To quote Shmulik, who proclaimed that deniers should also keep the tradition, 'That's too far.' When they noticed it was after midnight, and the streets were closed, due to people walking, they had no idea what to do. They couldn't catch a cab, so they decided to stay at the Kotel. Kids Stay Out This Late The kids who got caught in the flow of the dancing stayed out all night and realized their parents didn't care. Which is how underage drinking became a tradition on Yom Yerushalayim. It took the rabbis much convincing to get their pupils to not read the Megillah on Yom Yerushalayim. Now there are thousands of Jews staying up all night at the Kotel on Erev Yom Yerhsalayim, and nobody showers. Next year we will discuss the history of the Yom Yerushalayim Flag March and the flag shortage of 2013. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Yom Yerushalayim, Jerusalem Day, is here and I want to take you to the some of my favorite spots outside the Old City, going towards the entrance of town. I love it all. The history. The immigrants. The movies with Hebrew subtitles. The ancient passport looking thing that pops up at the beginning of the movies. I love it all. In honor of Jerusalem Day, let's connect with some of the places I love in the new Holy City.
Tachana Merkazit Jerusalem is about tradition and that is Jerusalem’s central bus station, the Tachana Merkazit. They have not cleaned it since 1998. You think your favorite store in Israel closed. It's at the Tachana Merkazit; keeping Israeli tradition alive with the chicken-dog hotdog stand and the Tshirt store that sells Tshirts with no thread count. One-time-use only clothing, sold along with disposable plates. The safest place in the city, you'll also notice the extra security setup, to ensure that you miss your bus. Allowing you to enjoy Jerusalem longer. Light Rail I love the new tram and any form of transportation I don’t have to pay for, if I don’t get caught. Shuk Machane Yehuda Prices shouted out loud, I love shopping there. There's no greater feeling than a retailer letting me know what to purchase, by yelling at me. In America, I'm thinking too much, wasting time. I have no idea what vegetable I want. In the Shuk market, they scream at me, I am scared, I buy it. And I'm back home in no time with avocados. Nut Shops Any nut spot. Open nut stands. I'm taking that stuff for free. If you don’t ask, it’s free. There's nothing like the huge peanuts and sunflower seeds. Israel has mastered making sunflower seeds that easily pop out, making for great Shabbat enjoyment. The greatest part of all is that you can spit them out anywhere in the Shuk. Machane Yehuda Bars There's nothing like evening time at Machane Yehuda, when the place turns into one big bar that you're walking through. The only place where it's legal to drink on the street, because the bar is located there. Meah Shearim The streets are thriving. Jewish bookstores are everywhere. I didn’t know so much Judaica could exist. Growing up in Rochester, I thought the glass showcase at the shul was all the Judaica. I didn’t know there was anything more to Jewish art than a Mezuzah in Claymation form. The area is the most lively in the city. Religion in living form. You can feel the hustle, the constant movement, the excitement of people running to find choolent. Choolent twenty-four hours a day. In Meah Shearim, it's Shabbis all week long. It's like Monsey. Pizza Uri Better than Pizza Hut, this place has the ultra-Orthodox Pizza sauce, and they created it. There is nothing like Charedi sauce, and I'm willing to buy pizza to get it. Charedi sauce is a spicy mayonnaise style dunking sauce for the pizza that adds all of the flavor and makes you believe in God. To change Israeli pizza into something that tastes good is a miracle. In addition, Pizza Uri offers separate seating, so I don’t have to worry about spilling the sauce on myself. Amazing. Ben Yehuda A little taste of Israel, if Israelis were American Yeshiva kids. Nothing makes me more excited than walking down a huge sidewalk. Some call it a promenade. I just think of it as a place that cars should not be driving down, because it's illegal. They should have a sign, 'This is a very big sidewalk. We messed up the flow of traffic when we planned this. Don't drive here. Go wait at the light with all the other cars.' Café Rimon Everything else may leave Ben Yehuda, Café Rimon and the one hat store on the top will not. Tradition. The Falafel King I love the name. The sovereignty it claims over its pita. The Shawarma Sultan, The Sabich Ruler, I love restaurants that claim dictatorship. It's still only 10 shekels or so for a falafel, as low prices is how you control the commoners. The Dollar Store I love that all products are five shekels. In The Dollar Store, the dollar went up before the American Dollar Tree ever though to raise the dollar to a buck twenty-five. The Dollar Store gives me hope. That is the best rate you will get. Off The Wall Comedy Theater I perform there. No better time found in all of Jerusalem. Now located at the King Solomon Hotel. The Sidewalks I love it all. I love walking down the sidewalks made of Jerusalem stone, in the spring, when I don’t slip on them. Then, I see the homes made of Jerusalem Stone. I love how our city claimed limestone as ours, scientifically. Yes. I love the whole city. It all looks the same. You love one neighborhood, you love them all. I love anywhere in Jerusalem that has Jerusalem Stone. If there is falafel, there is tradition. To me, that's meaningful. It's the meaning of Jerusalem, the connection with our tradition and Tshirts that come apart when I wash them, that I connect with on Jerusalem Day. I hope that you feel like you're in Jerusalem right now, or Monsey. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Some of these Olim were planning their Aliyah for many years. A few of them have not purchased new shirts since the start of the millennium. To note, as the Nefesh BNefesh shirt is free, that is also part of the Aliyah style. The shofar was purchased in Israel, as it is not an article of clothing or an electronic gadget. (Photo: JTA- Brian Hendler)
Yom HaAtzmaut got me thinking of all the great people who moved to Israel, making Aliyah. One thing all who make Aliyah have in common is that their style ends once they make the move. You can tell somebody’s year of Aliyah by the clothes they wear.
You make Aliyah and your wardrobe is set. And there are reasons. Style stops when you are not willing to pay more than 35 American Dollars for a new pair of pants; especially when they're wrinkle touch and you have to iron. They might sell it in Israel, but I don't buy anything when I can get it cheaper in America. That is my motto, and I have held onto it since I moved to Israel. I have not purchased anything inedible in Israel, since my Aliyah. I'm surprised that I have even purchased dinner a few times. Even so, Olim have to eat, and perishables can go bad, even when Amazon ships it. All of that said, even if they were cheap, I still wouldn't buy new clothes. Style is what I made Aliyah with, and it looks good. Us American Olim have a warped sense of this American style we hold so dear. And that style is at a permanent place in time, from the eternal day that we made Aliyah. The day where America was perfect and people had personalities. A time where we couldn't stream our favorite sitcom. A time when Marshalls and Kohl's were a place I could be proud to shop at. A time when one could be proud to flash a 20% off coupon. A time where I could ask for an extra discount at the desk, and get another two dollars off the sales price. Do mis-stitches not exist anymore at Marshalls? A time when Land's End and Geoffrey Beene did free exchanges. No questions. The time when I stopped buying clothes. To us Olim, the lifetime guarantee means we wear it the rest of our lives. Some say a lifetime guarantee does not mean fashion. They never made Aliyah. And I must say, I feel good wearing my pleats. Here are ways I've learned to tell the immigrant time period. Immigrant by Clothes Walk the streets of Israel and you can tell when the Oleh left America:
Next time we will delve deeper into the topic of clothes and the reasons for Aliyah suits, as well as clothes that fit vs new styles. As the manifesto continues, we will also discuss what an immigrant does on their visit to America, when they're tempted to purchase clothes. Aliyah hairstyles can be cross-generational, as long as you don't have bangs. Whatever you do, embrace your Aliyah and wear the clothes you loved in your early twenties. Until they make Aliyah rings, that is your only way to identify with your Aliyah class. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Israel's Independence Day is here, and you're thinking about how to celebrate. That's what good Jews do. They think about what to do for a holiday. You have that love of Israel and love vacationing at the Dead Sea. How can you share in the celebration?
There are many ways to celebrate as an Israeli. Last year, we focused on the Mangal, known as the Israeli BBQ that comes in tiny matchbox form. You walked away from last Yom HaAtzmaut hungry, due to the size of the grates and your solidarity with the tininess of Israel. This year, we will focus on other ways to celebrate the Chag. Salt Water You just dunked your food in it, for Pesach. Now, dunk your body in it. Pour salt in your bathtub, to share in the Dead Sea experience. Better yet, pour salt straight on your wound, and you will feel like you were there. If you had canker sores at the Seder, you have already shown your commitment to the Holy Land. Go to the Park The tradition is to go to the park, see there are no spots for your Mangal, and then to go back to your house. Play Football on a Basketball Court Whatever you call it, you'll see this at the park in Israel. A soccer pitch on a basketball court. I'm still trying to figure out why every basketball court in Israel has football goals. Maybe there are extra points if the ball goes through the hoop and then into the goal. Take your soccer ball and start kicking it in the middle of a basketball game, and you will bring a Yom HaAtzmaut experience to all on that court. If a fight starts, you will enjoy the full Israel experience of athletics. Skip Work No Israeli goes to work on Yom HaAtzmaut, or Wednesdays. Not working is a tradition in the Holy Land, as we have belief (Emunah). As Rabbi Chanina teaches (Berachot 33b), 'Everything is in the hands of God.' People who don't believe that, work. And all employees at the post office have a strong connection with the Lord. Wave Israeli Flags Flag waving is a huge part of the holiday in Israel. Wave the flag with pride and make your good morning greeting political. If you live outside of Israel, buy an Israeli flag for your car and hang it out of your window. You will know you're celebrating correctly if you get beeped at. If people stop yelling at you in disgust, check to make sure your flag is still there. If you're worried about being attacked, and have not been showing up to your self-defence Krav Maga lessons, join a parade. There's safety in numbers. There is a reason why thousands of people meet up on the streets of New York to show their support of Israel. It's for safety. Sit in Traffic You can connect with the day of no work in the country, the inter-city travel of every citizen and the parades, by finding the longest traffic light in your city at rush-hour. Go a step further by stopping your car and causing traffic yourself. This will encourage other people to beep, making you feel like you are in Israel proper. Israeli Dancing The hop, skip, twirl, arm raise, reverse hop, skip, twirl, arm raise. There is nothing like it. Nothing says love of Israel more than doing your dance, and then skipping right back to your original position. Do that with a circle, and you have community. Join towns and cities all over Israel and skip to a Hebrew you song. Better yet, hop and twirl with your supinated arm raise to a Spanish song. Spanish is how Israelis celebrate their independence. For A Relaxing Yom HaAtzmaut- Leave your Kids at Home I've seen way too many soccer balls, from basketball games, land in BBQs for any parent to enjoy their holiday. And I've never seen a parent smile when serving their child a $22 steak. If you make a mistake and bring your children along to the park, distance yourself from them. However, be responsible and keep them within eyeshot. You might want to bring something with a scope on it, to show you're a responsible parent. Shpritz People With Stuff Getting hit by shaving cream is my tradition. If I remember correctly, I spent many Yom HaAtzmaut wearing a decent shirt, getting sprayed with shaving cream and yelling at kids. Shpritzing people seems to be fun for the kids of Israel, and not very fun for the grownups who get hit by it. How the children all have shaving cream has something to do with how quickly the people of the Middle East hit puberty. I saw one kindergartener in Israel with a beard. He might have got left back. However, he was tiny and still couldn't trace an Aleph very well. The real tradition accepted by all is to yell at the kids. Say Hallel If you're a heretic, like myself, you do this. Praising God is the least religious thing you can do on the Holiday. The religious people will explain this. Vote Vote Day is the only day more joyous on the Israeli calendar than Yom HaAtzmaut, as it shows Israeli pride, independence, and it's a day off of work. The only problem is that everything is closed on Vote Day, because those people have off work too. Anyhow, celebrate it. Israelis love Vote Day, which is why we do it so much. Eat Falafel Falafel is the American way to celebrate Yom HaAtzmaut, so they can feel like they're in Israel. Israelis celebrate with a BBQ, so they can feel like they're not in Israel. It's a vacation day. Note: Not all falafel is Israeli falafel. As an American-Israeli, I've had the Yom HaAtzmaut US falafel, and it helped me fulfil the Israeli tradition of feeling like I am not in Israel. If you follow through with these suggestions and do it at the park, you will have a very Israeli Yom HaAtzmaut. As long as you Mangal, and show your independence through dead animals on a tiny grill. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The Kibbitzer Photo Album VII3/10/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Israel with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done for decorum in the Holy Land.
No mask protest in Israel, and everybody is wearing masks. That's how we protest our government. It's a protest with consent. We let them know we're against them, while showing agreement... I love protests. Protests are festivals for the poor. Right there is a guy teaching his son how to play an instrument when dad has no money.
We don't think the waiter knew he was working a wedding… They must not tell you what gig you're working in Israel. The photographer had on a tank top. The DJ had on a tank undershirt... Maybe they don’t know people wear suits to weddings. Somebody must’ve told that waiter to make sure he has an undershirt. He didn’t know to throw a button-down on top of it… The photographer did make his way into a few pictures. His sidekick got him in the background, looking like a guest that forgot his shirt and jacket... Maybe he was told he’s working a concession with plated service.
Those are millennials. You can see by the way they're sitting in a circle and talking. They're learning Torah and smiling. Definitely millennials. They’re coming up with new commentaries. People who sit in circles and smile create new ideas. Smiles of heresy. (Photo: Laura Turbow- Kevah Teacher Training)
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Americans Worry for War3/3/2022
Americays worry about everysing. All time. Worry.
Worry About War We've been in war so many year. Every tree year, we have war in Israel. Zey bomb. Boom. Ve know. Amerikay worry. Ehhh. Israel, we go ehhh drink. Eat falafel. Leeve life. You worry. Amerkay say and cry, 'I no travel to New York. Danger.' It's all the way Israel. You worry about other world side, ehhh. In Israel we feel bad for Amerikay. We got bombed. We worry, ehhh, they cry in America. We feel bad, but we always bombed. When last war America? America go war, no soldier in America. All soldier far away. You worry war now. It Europa. Russia live in Israel. Ve see dis. All goodie. Ukrainies and Russia same. No idea where Europe on map. Ehhh. You sink Ukraine one of fifty state. You cry, 'Oh no. Zey attack us.' You need look map. Ehhh. Map show you where you leeve. You leeve US. They leeve Ukraine. Ukraine no US. You cry, sink zey move to US? Ehhh. Emmm. Ehhh. Money How ehhh muchie you need? You cry like baby, wah wah, 'Ehhh. I only two-hundred sousand dollar last year?' You worry. Saving of 5 million dollar. Ehhh. You need buy more house?! We make sirty sosand shekel. We rent. We happy. How muchie you need? You need for after you die? (crying) 'Why? I no money to send great-grandchild to university.' (Crying with scream) 'My life too good. Why? Why? Why?' You need two million shekel a year. Ehhh. For what? You visit Israel? College War. Now you worry college. (Amerikay cry gain) 'Need degree. Where I get 70 sousand dollar a year?!' There war. Now you worry university. Everysing worry. Ehhh. College. (Crying more) 'Oh no. Where I vacation spring break. Life so hard.' College fun. You learn. You stupeed. 70 sousand dollar stupeeed. You no make dis. I work Yanky's falafel, we make twenty thousand shekel. Ehhh. You spend dees seventy sounand on college. you never Aliyah. You come Israel, everybody sink you stupeed. College Israel, seven sousand shekel. Sevety sousand dollar for good jobe. Good jobe? Ehhh. Why? Why? Why? You work dis Walmart? Israel, you move? You no job. You sound no right. You sound Amerikay. Go to college and sound stupeed. Amerikay accent. No jobe. College and university 500 sousand dollar. No even say 'Ehhh Shalom' normaly. You need course college, ehhh no sound Ameirkay. No college. No spendie all your money. Health You no eat falafel. Eat falafel. Zeees ehhh healsie. Amerikay eat helsy, dees eight falafel sandweech. Lunch. Amerikay eat helsy, ehhh, dees eatie eight healsie time. One meal. Eight meal. We eat one meal at one meal. Amerikay eat eight meal. (Cry) 'Why I so fat?' We give one falafel, you say, 'More.' You no eat meal. You eat day. All day. You no sit meal. Ehhh. You sit for day. Zen, you worry you eat too much. You do. I see Amerikay eat. You eat dis. No ve-ge-ta-ble. Ehhh. (Crying Again) 'I want healsy. I no eat more.' You eat Amerikay or you starvie. You no can seet one falafel. All Worry Worry about hels. Worry about college. Worry war. Worry Money. Ehhh. Worry money, zen worry not shopping enough. (Crying more) 'We no shop. Need more clothes.' How much clothes you need? Ehhh. Your closet need more clothes? I see you new clothe everyday. Need shop. Need work. Ehhh, worry work. We have no jobe, Israel. Just Yanky's. I no work. I happy. Worry politica. Ehhh. Zen worry more politica. (Cry) 'Why government no give money? Why government tax? Ehhh? Why gas?' You worry gas. You worry. You need bad. Ehhh. Bad. No worry. You say, 'Zis bad. OK. Life no good. I happy it bad.' Leeve in Israel. No worry. We know we have no money. Ehhh. School government pay for. Zey take our tax. We know. We no worry. We no eat. We helsy. Stop worry. You worry, you going to worry. All you do, worry. Zis activity for you. Ehhh. Worry time. (Crying again) 'What I do today? I worry. Zis what I do. I worry and shop. And worry I no shop ehhhh enough. And worry I spent too much. Zen I worry war... No idea where war is. But I worry leave home. I zen worry about college. Ehhh, my grandkids go college. Need to worry for zem. I no worry, who will worry for the next generation?... It's ehhhh zeh worry zath I worry zat is zeh hardest. I need helsy too. I need be helsy to worry. Ehhh. Zen I need money visit Israel where zey no worry. I shop zer too. I no have money to shop zer too. Zey have no Amerikay money. I worry for zem. War in Ukraine. What zey do in Israel? I worry.' Zen, ehhh, you worry travel Israel, because you hear war in Ukraine. Worry it same country. We know it no same country. Ukrainiaim live in Israel. Leevee Isrealie. Nosing have. Ehhhh. No worry. When bomb, you no worry. You know zer bomb. Zen you move to Israelie, you worry you good Oleh. And zen zey worry. (Huge cry) 'I have kids. Oh no. Too much Nachis. Ehhh. Why me? Zis so nice.' Even good. You worry. Ehhh. What we do for Ukraine? We worry. Ehhh. We stand in worry wis zem. Kibbitzer Disclaimer: Please do not blame us for the grammar. Shmulik dictated this article. He demanded that he speaks the language correctly. He was literally crying every time he quoted an American. To note, for your understanding. we wrote the headings in English. We do not know if Shmulik really thinks that Russia is in Israel. He might be trying to say 'Russians live in Israel.' He did use 'Ehhh' for a whole sentence. We do commend Shmulik's ability to mock people with anxiety. He mocked all of America for having anxiety. We have never met anybody else who could do this. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The Kibbitzer Photo Album VI2/3/2022
Let's take a stroll down memory lane back to Tu BShvat and Shabbat Kiddish with the Kibbitzer's pictures from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what he's done for Kiddish development around the globe.
I love Kiddish in quarantine. I took a piece of cake and everybody said the rest was mine. Something about me touching it. I was happy. I'm going to touch more stuff at Kiddishes. I also drank straight from the bottle... The miracle is how I ate while still being socially responsible, with my mask on.
The gentile oranges, 9.99 shekels... Now Jews are down on Israeli produce too? We can't even believe in our own farmers? I understand the laws of the seventh year, but that just looks like branding against Israelis. The sign basically says, ‘Jews didn’t touch it. Don’t worry. It’s non-Jewish oranges. They’re better. Jews didn’t ruin them.’ It should be, 'We like our produce too. But we also support non-Jewish oranges when it's easier for Halacha (Jewish law). Not working the field is too big of a pain…’ I personally feel we have to stop the religious anti-Israel, Shmita BDS movement.
That's how real Charedim, ultra-Orthodox, go swimming. Full suit and hat. If you've seen Frum Jews in bathing suits, you can appreciate the Bekishe swimsuit apparel. It should be Halacha (law) to have to wear full body coats into the water. The black hat also keeps out the sun. That's Pikuach Nefesh, saving a life... Nothing like the Israeli all man beach to find people that just love to swim. You focus on the swimming, you don’ have to see that guy standing there… Israelis have mastered the art of the budget vacation and sleeping on the beach. You can see how they use the pergola to hang their clothes... That dad is happy because he's vacationing right near his home. He's not getting hit by any sun and he doesn't have to pay for anything; that's how religious Jews vacation. And that is what makes Israel great. (Credit: Alex Levac- Haaretz)
I found this book in a Jerusalem used bookshop. It reads, 'Dear Sam...'?! Why is the book not in Sam's home? Sam thought that the English readers of Israel wouldn’t find it, but we did Sam. 'Hope this book keeps you laughing...' I will laugh for you, Miller. I don't downsize friends, like Sam. Shame on Sam. I'm not very impressed with Sam right now. Sam has no heart. You don't recycle friends like that, Sam!!! In a used bookshop?! Like a used friend. Is that what you do with your friends, Sam? Use them?! I hope Sam gets this message. [Kibbitzer Note: We're not trying to put used book stores out of business. We just feel that books with personal notes should not be for resale, even if they broke up.]
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
It's the new year and international travel is painful again. Quarantining can be very scary, if you have to do it alone. It's a nightmare, and I purposefully entered that nightmare when I flew back to Israel, knowing I would be put in a quarantine hotel for two weeks.
The quarantine is back, and I bring you my story. It is here to inspire you, and to let you know that you can visit Israel and make it through the quarantine, as long as you're fine with your vacation being spent in the hotel. Now, the quarantine is for seven days, and my story may mean very little to you. Even so, I shall take you into my little journey of how I made it through quarantine in Israel, with my fellow returnees to Zion. I Was Scared I was in solitary confinement in a five-star hotel with a bath. A Corona Hotel They call the hotel “Corona.” The hotel itself had the virus. I didn’t know if I could touch the closet. Do the walls have the virus? Do I catch it from my bed? I decided it was safest to live out of my suitcase and sleep in my clothes. Food Rations Don’t Make Jews Happy I thought I was going to get the Israeli hotel breakfast buffet. I asked them. Then they dropped a bag outside my door. This was worse than being locked up in solitary. At least in solitary they slip the food through a window; you get a bit of service. They should’ve never called that room service. Three square meals is not... Other people deciding what I should be eating hurts the hotel experience. I don’t want people deciding which cheese I should be eating. I need choices, and they didn't provide that at the corona buffet. Yes. I complained to management. The same food every day isn’t the five star hotel experience I was expecting. Not having eight cheeses to choose from, and cereal dispensers, is not something I would have chosen. It was hard. I liked cottage cheese two days ago. No Washing Machines They turned me into a manual laborer. I was a slave to my dirty clothes, and I was not a good one. Maybe I don’t know how to twist enough. I smelled like Badin detergent suds for a week. How Do You hand wash? I’ve seen washboards in bands. Other than using it to strum a spoon, I don’t know what that is supposed to be used for. Why is the Army Here Soldiers were working the concierge booth. I have to say, they know very little about what there is to do in Jerusalem, when you're quarantined. Their lack of knowledge regarding Jerusalem nightlife was bothersome. They should at least been able to tell me the coordinates. It was scary coming out of my room and seeing the gun. I ran right back in, and that's where I spent the first three days. A Shabbat Retreat Where You See People Less On Shabbat, it’s a religious duty to quarantine together. Lighting Candles is a Social Experience As lighting Shabbat candles always do, they brought light to my darkness and people into my quarantine. We lit candles at a big table in the lobby, as opposed to our rooms. The organizers of the quarantine experience felt that a fire is more dangerous than seeing somebody who you sat next to on the flight. I went to light Shabbat candles, and that was my first interaction with people that weren’t behind plexiglass, or with a gun. I was relieved to hear that they also don’t like cottage cheese anymore. I realized I’m not in this quarantine alone, and there are other people that have no idea how to ring out a shirt. The Minyin As I was lighting the candles, I heard about the Minyin, a community praying together in isolation. They said, 'You must stay out of your room to join us.' I said, 'Yes. If me leaving my room is a requirement, I will be there... I will be early.' I had never felt so thankful for ten men in my life. I let them know that I’m happy to join, as long as I didn’t have to hand wash their clothes. The Chazan did not have a good voice. However, he had to wear a mask, and that helped. Oneg – Delighting in Shabbat One deed leads to another and we must share all of Shabbat in quarantine. You’re supposed to delight in Shabbat, and you do that with food. One quarantining congregant brought cake, cashews, peanuts, Coke, herring. One guy really enjoyed it. The first guy who took the cashews loved the experience. After he touched them, the cashews were his. He delighted more than the rest of us. As we learned, big bowls of food are not optimal for pandemics. When it came to the pound cake, I went in after the first guy. I wasn’t that scared. I had eaten too much cottage cheese to be scared. If I hadn’t caught corona by now, from the corona hotel bedding, I wasn’t going to catch it from a decent pound cake and a cold cup of Coke. In life, you have to be brave and take chances. And when it comes to a wet dense pound cake, those are the times. How I ate with my mask on is a miracle one can only speak of. Ingathering of the Exiles is Motivating After Shabbat we had a big circle where everybody shared their story. Stories of journeys from around the world were vast. One from Cape Town, one from Buenos Aires, one was from New York, one from Thailand, one from France. Each of us had our own journey back to Israel. Each expedition was more intriguing than the next. Some sat first class. Some sat economy. One even had somebody sitting next to them. A true journeyman. The most interesting story was given by the voyager from France who did not even get a kosher meal on her flight. Chilonim Became Religious Everybody became religious. Once the Chilonim, secular Jews, realized they can leave their rooms, they joined the Minyin. They were early. They were devout. They sat there praying, focused on the words of praise. In the end, the secular Israelis felt so comfortable that they also had no problem talking during the services. This was the first time in my life that I saw so many people return in penitence. Chabad has been trying for years to put Tefillin on people. One week of quarantine is the best outreach I have ever seen. Religious relationships even developed around the hotel, where new Chiloni couples dated without touching, sitting six feet apart. Stuff I am Left With In quarantine, you learn something about yourself. I learned that I am fine smelling like bath gel if that’s all I have to wash my clothes with. I don’t like cottage cheese anymore, but that may change in a day or two after I get out. I learned how to make going to the reception to pick up milk take twenty minutes, and how to keep a friend on the phone for forty-five minutes when they have to run. I learned that afternoon naps can last five hours, and touching cashews first during a pandemic is much smarter than touching peanuts. Cashews are more expensive; you want them for yourself. I learned that when it comes to leaving my room, I am extremely devout. I even show up two hours early to services. I learned that solitary confinement can be depressing without a Minyin. Minyin saved me. Shabbat Saved me. Lighting candles saved me. The comradery that quarantining together as a religious nation allows for, saved the secular Israelis. Only in Israel do people share their quarantine with other people. Everything beautiful about living in Israel is seen in the quarantine hotel, how we isolate as a community next to one another. A nation reuniting in the hardest of times, distancing together in solitude with all of the people, praying right next to Jews from all over the world. When you’re together there is nothing to fear, other than the coronavirus. Being quarantined in Israel was the greatest experience of my life. Book your ticket. Skip the Kotel and go to the Corona Hotel. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Jewish Superheroes Among Us11/2/2021
Gal Gadot is a superhero, and it is a beautiful thing that an Israeli is making it in the film industry. Wonder Woman is amazing. However, there are so many great Jewish Superheroes that we have, which are not connected to Greek mythology.
Here are some superheroes from the The Legion of Torah. And yes, this is going to be as cheesy as it sounds, so have fun with it. If you don't understand some of these superheroes, try to find Translation Man, who can translate any Hebrew or Yiddish words into English. Kiddush Man- His elbows are sharp and strong, as he uses them to make his way towards food. Preferably herring. He is fine injuring his loved ones, if it's for a pareve choolante. Halacha Man- Shows up whenever you do an Aveirah (a sin). He saves Jews from sinning. His kryptonite is non-kosher restaurants that look real good. His nemesis, Aveirah Man, makes you feel great when you sin. Hagbah Man- Lifts people and unravels them, like he does the Torah. His ability to never drop somebody, brought about his go to move of taking people to rooftops and scaring them into fasting for 40 days. His sidekick, Galila Man, sometimes slows him down, with his inability to wrap things fast enough. Galila man works as Hagbah Man's kryptonite, causing his wrists injury. Brisket Woman- Everything she makes is ‘very easy.’ Whenever somebody asks her how she made a dish, she says ‘it is easy.’ Her kryptonite is yelling children, which causes her to burn things. Beard Man- Throws food that is stuck in his beard. Sometimes he has salt in there, which he uses to blind the villains. Motorcycles are his kryptonite. Tefillin Man- Takes leather straps and whips them at the villains. The villain being you, the heretic who didn't put on Tefillin this morning. He does this in order to bring you closer to Gd. He trains his superpowers with the guy that has the booth at the Kotel. His kryptonite having to go to the bathroom, which causes him to take off his Tefillin, making him weak. Tallis Man- Takes strings and whacks people in the eyes with them. He uses his shawl to move people away. The only way to avoid this villain is by ducking and covering your face during davening at shul. Shidduch Woman- She sets you up with people you do not want to go out with. If you keep fighting, she has a way of making you feel worse about yourself, by saying stuff like, ‘You are not that good looking yourself.’ Matchmaker Man- A villain who is trying to take down Shidduch Woman. He sets people up, but is very shallow about it, as he matches people that are attracted to each other. Sheitel Woman- Her wig flies off her head and blinds you. Her kryptonite is heat, as her wig causes her to sweat. The vent from the hotel pool can put her out of commision for a week, or at least until she makes her way to her clinician, known as Sheitel Macher. Yente Woman- A villain who talks Lashon Hara, always gossiping. She finds a way to talk about all people and their families. With sentences that always begin with 'did you hear?', she draws you into the stories about Shlomi and how he put on weight. To keep her attackers at bay, she ends every thought with, 'it's such a shame.' Her kryptonite is a decent word about somebody. Musar Man- Fights against Yente Woman. He gives speeches. That is his power. The power to talk for an hour and a half about something that you did wrong. It could've taken him but a minute; yet, he knew that would not have the desired effect. He makes you never want to sin again, in fear of another talk. Kabbalah Man- With supernatural powers, his allies are people in Hollywood who know nothing of the Torah. His number one superpower is the ability to raise money. Aveirah Woman- The worst of all villains. She makes all sin. She is every villain and villainess' mentor. She taught Tallis Man how to hurt people with fringes, and Yenta Woman how to talk about Tallis Man. Kugel Woman- Saves Shabbis. In order to fight the villains, such as Aveirah Woman, she feeds them pasta that is not in coagulated form. Losing out on the taste of Shabbat they repent and turn into shul people, where all the superheroes meet over Kiddish. Matzah Ball Man- Takes tiny objects and bloats them. Throwing water on people, he causes them to be in a state of immobility. Exactly what happens to me, every Friday night. If he has no water, he causes them to swell up by feeding them matzah balls. Crouton Boy is his sidekick. Menorah Woman- Throws fire from her hand, which have seven fingers. Amazing how she can take out seven villians at once, and scare children at the same time. She never runs out of oil. New Oleh Man- The new immigrant finds out what you did wrong, complains and does nothing about it. He goes to a new country and saves the day by telling you how you should be living. His complaining will bother you, but he will always be around, watching you. He then finds a way to take money from your government, which helps him infiltrate. Masada Man- His great ability to get you to buy stuff is what sets him apart. Even greater than Shuk Woman, he gets you to buy stuff you don't want, like sand in a bottle. His power is so great that you buy it for retail and believe it is holy. His kryptonite is heights, which is why he set up the gift shop at the bottom. Scared of heights. He eventually kills himself in martyrdom. Nothing to do with his fear of heights. Matkot Man- He takes a ball and hits people with it, while they are leisurely walking down the beach. His kryptonite is anybody that is competitive. They ruin all of his powers. Dead Sea Woman- Bigger than Deadpool, as she is a sea. Seas are bigger than pools. She works along Beard Man. While Beard Man throws salt at the eye, Dead Sea Woman finds your tiniest of wounds and injects them with salt. Her kryptonite is people who use natural resources. Shuk Woman- She yells at you until you buy stuff. Her voice is so scary that you will find yourself not wanting to bargain. She is very excited about burekas. Her nemesis is Pita Man. Pita Man- A villain who gives you food that tastes great, such as falafel, but catches up with you later. His kryptonite is plates. People are trying to ban him from Israel, so that they don’t have to boycott him. Israel Woman- Kryptonite is other nations blaming her for stuff, causing her to feel guilty for her existence. Shavuot Man- Doesn’t let you sleep. Sukkot Man- Uses his Lulav to stab you while praying. The palm tree branch, along with his Etrog that he throws at you, are strong weapons. His kryptonite is rain. As Halacha tells you that if it is raining on Sukkot you should go inside and eat, Sukkot Man kills picnics. Seder Man- Keeps you for a very long time and doesn’t let you eat when you are hungry. His weakness is leavened bread. Sufganiot Grinch- Sneaks into Jewish homes for the eight nights of Chanukah and sucks all of the jelly out of the Sufganiot. This is why Sufganiot doughnuts in Israel are rarely found with enough jelly. His goal is to hinder Jewish enjoyment of holidays. His kryptonite is chocolate filling. Box Man & Recycle Man- Comrades in arms, who both have cheap costumes. Box Man is what my mom dressed me up as for Purim. His kryptonite is parents that aren't willing to spend money on a costume, leading to embarrassment in the third grade. Their weakness is costumes that have capes, such as pajamas. Nachis Man- His children all have superpowers. He also has an ability to embarrass any child by talking about them in front of them, as though they are not there. Nachis Man has the ability to make his child invisible, while talking about how well they are doing in school. Abba Man- Parent Man’s brother, who also fights crime late at night, when he hears a creak in the house, by going downstairs in his undergarments and a baseball bat. Mom Woman- She can do anything Abba and Nachis Man do, but she does it better. She does it with an empathetic touch which makes you feel worse. Yichus Man- His great-grandfather had superpowers. He tells everybody about his grandparents. Other than that, he has done absolutely nothing. Chutzpah Man- A villain who asks inappropriate questions. He has a lot of nerve. Goes to Kiddush and fights off Kiddush Man by cutting him off. He eats all the brisket and takes it first. He tells Shidduch Woman that he doesn’t appreciate her matchmaking ideas. He tells the parents that they are not raising their children right. Nachis Man is constant battle with him. Chillul H’ Man- Villain who makes you sin, not realizing that it is going to be worse if you get stoned by the Temple People. Choolante Man- What is his superpower? Tune in next week when we... I think this list is long enough. I can go on, but you should be able to find one superhero in here that is an inspiration to you. Brisket Woman always inspired me to eat. Spending my time on this is embarrassing. But our children need superheroes that believe in monotheism. May we all as Jewish Women and Jewish Men join forces to fight the evil of Choolante Man's greatest nemesis, Vegetarian Woman. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
The Kibbitzer Photo Album III9/30/2021
Let's take a stroll down memory lane, with the Kibbitzer's pictues from the past couple months, including the holidays. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing what's wrong with his life, with us.
We love the Kosher Chinese place... The chow-mein noodles were free. Deal!!!! We paid for the sweet and sour chicken. Should've just taken the noodles... We also love 7-Eleven, due to crushed ice in our drinks. Even if it’s watered down and it doesn’t taste like Coke, it’s crushed ice... The crush ice is free too, if you bring your own cup.
My makolet (bodega) turned into a Doar post office. We thought the message from the Doar was telling me that us that we got some Graeter's ice cream shipped to Israel that we had to pick up... His freezer was full of packages and he has stopped selling frozen chicken... B"H, he didn't charge us his unmarked prices, that he usually creates when we go in there, on the mail.
Proof. Max Stock is a Jewish store... The holidays are coming. That means, tins. They know that you don't cook for 80 people with pots and no leftovers... I bought 35 tins because I can care less about the environment when I'm celebrating. I also picked up the Costco plasticware bundle. I'm not cleaning anything... There was no more tinfoil at Max Stock. I bought it all. I’m religious and I celebrate the holidays. I’m ready for Sukkot. I bought them out of tinfoil.
That guy is not happy. It's 6am and this guy decides to blow the shofar right in his face. No warning. Just blowing the shofar, doing his duty to wake up the Jewish people. Doesn't even ask the other guy if the kids kept him all night. Just blows the shofar right in his face... No Minyin... And that guy is not loving the tradition of people randomly blowing shofars. For some reason, that guy blowing next to him, before 7am, is not making him feel a closeness to his Creator. (Photo: Menahem Kahana, AFP Getty Images, in International Business News)
No Sukkah is fully decorated until the Christmas lights are hung... Tradition is to not buy these until January. Jews don’t purchase Christmas products, until after Christmas, when they go on sale. That's when we are allowed to use them... We picked these lights up in the religious area of Meah Shearim. Our eighth Sukkot in Israel and we started celebrating Christmas in Fall. The weather outside was delightful. I say, what us religious Jews don’t know shouldn’t hurt us... If you look close enough, you can see that the guy with the red hat has a long white beard. That’s Jewish.
The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
Reasons To Make Aliyah8/25/2021
Summer is coming to an end and Israel isn’t going to be as hot as it was the past few months. It’s now time to make Aliyah (move to Israel). The pandemic is coming to an end and it is time to make Aliyah, and book a flight while you can, before they come up with new pandemic rules. Here, I bring you some of the reasons that helped me make Aliyah. They inspired me. I hope they inspire you.
Older Jews Move Someplace Warmer I was from Rochester, New York. I love Rochester, but it is cold, and older American Jews move someplace warmer and change their name to Bernie. I was getting older. That happens when you age. I figured, I could move to Jerusalem and live with Americans, or I could move down to South Florida and live with Israelis. I chose Jerusalem. At around 60 or so, my name will also be Bernie. You don’t have to Work The kind government gives you money to make Aliyah. That’s the only time you will refer to the government as kind. With the money from Nefesh BNefesh and the country, you’ll be making more than the average Israeli. They’ll complain about you till they realize that you can’t get a job because you don’t speak Hebrew. The money can get you through a year or two in Israel. Enjoy that vacation. You deserve it. You moved. You’re Jewish. After receiving some graduate degrees in America, I realized that people had expectations of me. As an immigrant, nobody has any expectations of me. My Hebrew is on par with my three-year-old Israeli niece, and that’s respectable. I am an immigrant. I have accomplished immigranting, and that’s a lot. Anybody asks me what I’m doing, with pride, I let them know, ‘I made Aliyah.’ Fear & Anti-Semitism I want to thank the anti-Semites. They do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. They’re much more successful than Nefesh BNefesh and the Jewish Agency. The attacking Jews Aliyah push works very well. Many people from the non-North American countries move to Israel because of fear. As such, we are indebted to the anti-Semites of the world. As for me. Rochester’s company, Kodak, hadn’t been doing well and I wanted to get out of there before they started blaming that on the Jews. I was reading up on Jewish history. I know what happens when Kodak goes out of business. Kosher Burger King The first time I saw the sign I was in awe. ‘Whopper’ written in Hebrew. Hamburgers ready before I ordered them. I felt something special that day. I believe it was a prophetic calling telling me that the days of the Messiah upon us. And our redeemer loves Vhoppers. To Meet my Naturally Blond Yemenite Girl This is probably my number one reason. I don’t know how they do it, but they’re all over Israel. Land of our Ancestors That was confusing. After I moved, my mom showed me our family tree. I should have moved to Brooklyn. Torah You care about being a Jew and practicing your religion and Mitzvot. Am I crazy for suggesting that as a reason?! Did I say something wrong? I am sorry. I feel like I offended people. You Have to Move Out of Your Parents’ House We each have our own story. This is mine. The final realization that I must move to Israel took place in my parents’ home at 3am. I was watching TV. My dad came down and asked, ‘David- why are you watching TV? It’s 3am?’ My immediate response was, ‘Because I can… I’m 25 years old.’ I knew that it was 3am, because it was 3am. All I could think to say was, ‘I am 25.’ I had reached a point in my life where I could do what I want, I can eat hamburgers at 3:30am. I can even get a job if I have to support myself. I’m 25. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to get a job, and I still like hamburgers. I am making Aliyah. Burger King is kosher. I can eat Vhoppers at midnight if I want. (Burger King closes before 3am. Otherwise, I would be eating Vhoppers then.) It was a hard decision, but I figured that if my parents would send me some money, I could still do what I wanted, without being scolded. It was time. I was 25 and it was time to make my own decisions that are not good for me. Why I was living in my parents’ house at 25. They had good food. The fridge was always full. I was able to eat hamburgers anytime I wanted. You Want to Find the Tree the Jewish National Fund Planted for You The Jewish National Fund took money from me every Tu BShvat holiday, from the time I was in kindergarten and I never saw the tree with my name on it. I am on a mission to find it. Jewish Homeland Love is expressed through reprimanding. For the feeling of intimacy, you need the right people yelling at you. I cannot express the gratitude I have for all the Israelis who have yelled at me, for reasons I do not know, even if they never met me. I have not felt that kind of warmth since I left my parents' house. It's our national home. The yelling lets me know that. If anybody ever questions you, you let them know you made Aliyah. You could've been a doctor, a lawyer, a successful businessman in the country you grew up in. But you made the decision to not work a fulltime job. You let them know you made Aliyah and you are great at Torah, even if it makes no money. Next time, we'll talk of other reasons to make Aliyah, like if you're from South Africa. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
The Breadcrumbs widget will appear here on the published site.
People accuse Israelis of not being proper. If they were living in Britain and didn't say how pleased they were, throwing in a 'thank you' to the person who just slammed the door on them, I would agree. However, we are talking about Israelis in Israel. They do not have to live by British mores, standing on the queue when every other person in Israel is knocking them over to get on the bus.
People blame Israelis because they don't understand the society. This is why Israelis don't say 'thank you.' You Have To Deserve It What did you do to deserve a 'thank you'? You held a door? He could've done that. You purchased some milk from his bodega? He's providing you the milk. And it's called a Makolet. Did you thank him for teaching you how to pronounce Makolet correctly? Who should be thanking who? You paid the cab driver for the ride? He's taking you to dinner. You should be thanking him. You should be bringing some horderves out to him. They may appreciate your business. I am sure that your kind gesture of holding the door is well taken. Did they curse you for holding the door? Then, it was appreciated. Take it as a 'thank you.' They just don't waste their words in Israel. You need to reach a level to be thanked. Did you pay for his daughter's wedding band? Then, you would deserve a thank you. When Israelis Say Something, They Mean It The real reason you don't hear a 'thank you' is because when we say something in Israel, we mean it. When you say 'thank you' in Israel, it's from the heart. Somebody pours me a drink, I don't thank them, because my level of Israeli sincerity is too much for a pour. Somebody helps me move, I can give an Israeli 'thank you.' I'll 'Todah Rabbah' you, cup my hands together and give a curtsy. When an Israeli tells a co-worker to have a good day, they want them to have a good day. They mean it. They're bringing blueberry pancakes to the cubicle for breakfast. They're playing Sarit Hadad on the radio at work, because she is the light of Israel. They're taking over the second half of your shift, making sure you get paid for it. They really want you to have a good day. They said it and they meant it. They didn't say 'shalom' the day before, because they wanted that day to be not good. There Are Repercussions You better mean something when you say it in Israel. I made a mistake and said 'thank you' once. The fact that I acknowledged my appreciation now had me obligated to him. The guy helped me close the trunk of my car when I was pulling out groceries. I didn't realize I was now indebted to him. Next I know, I'm taking him to the airport. I'm stuck checking in his bags and checking on his house while he's away. I'm not saying 'thank you' again. Not unless I know you and you're paying for the gas. Israelis Take Words Seriously This isn't Britain. Sarcasms is you lying. When we hear CNN and the BBC talking about Israel, we think they actually mean what they're saying. Israelis don't know that they're joking when they report about the 'Israeli oppressors.' I'm from America, so I assume that CNN is doing a satire piece on how Israel should be thanking Hamas and their northern neighbors for shooting rockets at them. Time Is Important I don't have time to stop and say 'thank you.' Do you also need me to give you a foot rub after you got the door for me? How much do we have to do for you. I'm in Israel, where we're working towards redemption. You need a 'thank you' from the guy at the falafel shop. I'm sorry if I was the guy who didn't say 'thank you.' Maybe bringing in the dispersed Jews from the diaspora back to our Home Land is more important. Your holding the door should be expected. You might be holding the door for Mashiach. They Did the Army Did you do the army? Maybe you should be thanking them. Maybe you should be thanking them that the door is still there and wasn’t blown up. Maybe, if you spent five months in a tank, defending Sderot, they would thank you. I am sorry they didn't thank you for holding a door. A Lot of Israelis Do Say 'Thank You' That's a mistake. They weren't educated right. Come to think of it, I've been in America for a while and American kids don't say 'thank you.' Israeli kids say 'thank you.' Somebody is educating the next generation wrong. Kids should know that they deserve stuff. They should not have to show appreciation. An Israeli wouldn't know that was sarcasm. American kids should be saying 'thank you.' You see how hard it is to do comedy in Israel?! It's hard to be funny when people are genuine. You do a joke about mother-in-laws and you've got to then spend half an hour explaining how we all love mother-in-laws and how they are the rock of the family. To note, I've started letting the door close on the American kids. They have no reason to not say 'thank you.' They did not do the army.' It's Hot Ever heard of a Chamsin? Imagine a heatwave with sand that penetrates into your living room. Try talking in 120 degree desert heat. You can't. Your mouth is dried up. They can't get it out. They gave you a look. Whatever that look was meant 'thank you.' It might have been intimidating, but it meant they appreciate what you did. I'd be surprised if they even realized you were holding the door. Try realizing anything going on around you when it's 120 degrees outside. They probably thought it was a hallucination. After years of hallucinating, it became tradition to not say 'thank you.' My big question for you is, why are you judging a whole society because one guy didn't say 'thank you'? Now that I think of it, your holding the door is not appreciated. Your holding the door is killing the air-conditioning. You're letting the 120 degree Chamsin into the building. At best, you’re bringing in another inch of sand. Todah Rabbah for caking the floor in 200 degree sand. The sand is hotter than the whatever it is outside. The sand holds the heat so that you can't enjoy going to the beach. Showing appreciation is important. It's just that they're saving the 'thank you' for that time you give them a drink of water. Hold the door and bring me a bottle of cold water, and I will take a break from helping to ingather the exiled, and say 'thank you.' Please know that you did the right thing, holding the door. If it's not extremely hot, you probably did the right thing and you should be thanked. There's just more that is expected in Israel. I hope you appreciate that the Israelis are making you a better person, teaching you that you need to deserve a 'thank you.' Maybe you'll stop letting the heat into the building. Maybe you'll allow the doorman to do his job, instead of having everybody asking why they hired the guy. Maybe you'll volunteer and serve the country. Do the army and hold the door, and you'll get a 'thank you' and a 'Kol Hakavod' from everybody. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
Tags:
The Recommended Content Widget will appear here on the published site.
|
You want your Passover Shpritzes to be specific. The one with wood is for cleaning wood. The one with Jet is for cleaning planes. The lemon is for cleaning lemons.
Categories
All
Archives
April 2024
|
1/28/2023
0 Comments