I was in a very spiritual mood this year, as the rabbi leading the Seder was talking about his new hybrid vehicle that he was very proud of, which the shul paid for. These are the questions I had last night, which the community did not seem to appreciate. Especially when I called them in the middle of the night to ask about why there are no leaves on my tree in the front yard.
How many times do we have to sing ‘Jerusalem of Gold’ to fulfill the commandments of this holiday? Why are we singing words and not singing the lyrics 'Nay Nay Nay'? Are we not religious? ‘Man is a tree of the field’ (Devarim 20:19)? Why is your dog by the tree right now? Adam comes from the same word “adamah,” which means earth? Are you serious? No. Really. Are you serious? Can somebody please pass another plastic knife and fork? They broke. Why do plastic forks and knives always break? Is that a Psik Reisha on Tu BShvat as well? Why did nobody at the Tu BShvat Seder understand that question? Why is everybody looking at me right now? Why are we using plastic? Does plastic celebrate trees? Are we not supposed to ask questions at the Seder? Did I show up to the wrong Seder? Who added this Seder where there are no questions? And why did I clean my house for this? Are we helping the environment? Why is my stomach killing? Do trees get stomach aches? The Talmud teaches that we should eat all the new fine fruit? Why do are we eating dried fruit? Is the dried fruit new? Yes. That is a new bag. Is it not? Did they dry the apricots yesterday? Should I feel bad? I saw some loquats in the shuk, and I didn’t buy them. Why do they charge so much for loquats when I want to be a good Jew? What are loquats? Why were they not dry? Should I go now? I think the shuk is still open. Why am I calling it the shuk? Is this not a Jewish holiday? It’s freezing outside. How do we get fresh fruit? Do oranges grow here? Should we be celebrating this now? It’s Rochester. Maybe we should wait till June, when we’re sure there won’t be more snow. Is the Prius the vehicle of Gd? Why did we have to push it out of the snow last week? Wait. Is this really a Jewish holiday? No. Really? Is this a Jewish holiday? Why did nobody at the Yeshiva mention it? Why does no religious Jew care about this holiday except for the people at our shul? Is it OK to care about trees as a Frum Jew? Is it religiously fine to care about people? Why did we not move to Israel, where this makes sense? Is it OK if I excuse myself again? Why is my stomach still killing? Really. Whose decision was it to use plastic? Tags:
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The Torah gives a list of birds a Jew can’t eat. Why? Because they’re foul. You get it? The Torah is talking about fowl. As in birds. We changed it to foul. As in, smells bad or disgusting. Who wants to eat foul birds. Not healthy. We care about health at the Kibbitzer. You also don’t want to eat nonKosher fowl. That’s foul. 
That is a religious sink. I know this because there are no paper towels. Just a towel that everybody else used. You use a communal towel and as your hands should be clean for Davening. A communal towel and no soap.
Show was amazing... Looking forward to sharing laughs with your community. Shoot an email to [email protected] to bring David out for laughs and song.
Rambam (negative Mitzvah 165) learns from (Vayikra 10:7) Moshe telling Ahron he can’t leave the Ohel Moed that Kohens can’t leave the Temple during services. Kohens in my shul are stringent with this law. They don’t show up. I’ll explain. They never leave the sanctuary. They’re never there.
The Torah continues “and they did as Moshe said.” Because they didn’t have a Haftorah back then, which is the perfect time to leave and get some schnapps. If they would’ve had Chivas and Jack. Categories
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The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
The Kibbitzer, where we take Jewish comedy seriously!!! If you are offended, it's satire written by David Kilimnick and poorly edited by David Kilimnick.
So, blame his pseudonyms.
A friend of the Off The Wall Comedy Theater, JHF and The Kibbitzer are here to bring unity and Jewish connection for you, in honor of Rabbi Kilimnick ZT"L.
The Kibbitzer is Funded by the JHF (The Jewish Humor Foundation) and you.
Contact us to share ideas, make a donation and to sponsor Harbatzas Tzchok, the spreading of tradition through laughter, with articles or series in honor and memory of your loved ones.
1/25/2024
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