Sermons of Rebuke II: VaYishlach

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Last week's community Thanksgiving meal after Thanksgiving was well attended. It was an excellent brisket meal. We want to thank our sisterhood for ensuring American Jewish tradition was celebrated with a brisket and corned beef. We are happy the sisterhood insisted on not making turkey, and fighting the heathens on the shul's board.
 
We want to acknowledge all the people who have truly been paying attention to the rabbi's neck stick out and look around method. It has truly added to the singing in shul.
If you are not aware, when the rabbi lifts his neck and looks around, the congregation is supposed to join.
 
The rabbi insists on chanting. Chanting classes will take place on Tuesdays, when you're back to your weekly sinning routines. Words in chant form should help with Teshuva, repentance, as well. We translated Teshuva, as many of you who are always sinning and harmonizing in shul probably don't know what it is.
 
Parents are encouraged to ask their kids to help around the house, so we don't have to deal with annoying selfish little people who leave wrappers on the floor. Please encourage your children to not learn from their parents.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
When you go up against an enemy, you prepare with prayer, gift and war. Every time I go to a board meeting… Yes. That’s why I bring sweets… I would bring sheep and oxen, and send my kids in first, but my wife won’t let me… Yakov didn’t discuss this sending the kids first with his wives… He made a decision like a man, and told everybody to first meet their uncle, his enemy…
If he goes first, his brother kills him. The same reason I always show up late to the meetings...
It’s a lesson for life. You do what your parents tell you. You run errands for them. You don't throw trash on the floor... Your parents educate you wrong Chaim. Don't be like your parents... And you too Kayla. Don't be like them. I know them...
 
The crazy thing is his brother is considered his enemy here...
We're trying to stop Mordy and Micky… I know they’re twins, but they have to stop fighting in junior congregation. Hair is getting pulled. Kids are scared to take candy now, as they saw what Mordy did to Micky… It was over a Jolly Ranchers. Not a very jolly rancher...
The kosher Jolly Ranchers… Bazookas are just dangerous. Kids try to get more flavor out of those… I know it’s impossible after the first twelve seconds… That’s why they swallow them, trying to get more flavor… You don’t prepare for war with Bazooka. Three chews of taste is not a gift. It's a tease... Bazooka starts wars...
I don't know why they named them that. I think their parents were hoping they could get roles in a Disney movie…

You listen. Yakov had a good plan and they listened... Well the Fergmans don't have good plans. I saw the house...

First the peace offering gifts of appeasement and then the splitting the camp up. They did what Yakov asked. It’s not that hard… They didn’t make random decisions to mess up the community, like the board.
You cook a decent brisket for Thanksgiving… Thank you to the sisterhood for listening to me… On Thanksgiving we were able to celebrate America and what it has given the Jewish community. Brisket…
Just follow my lead. When I raise my neck and look out over the congregation, you join in the chant… It’s not a song. It’s a chant. It’s more meaningful than a song...
 
And his kids helped around the house. You clean the floor of the shul when you drop stuff all over it. Mordy... Yes. I am scared of Mordy, but I will not let him run all over our shul...
They don't clean. They learn from you... You don't even put your plate in the compost bin on Shabbat. Composting is the only excuse for littering... You don't compost taffy. No. We don't put the color florescent pink back into the earth... If your kids were throwing asparagus on the floor, that would be fine. Compost...

So, we understand listening to our leader, me, and splitting up the camp...

But you share the bad stuff. If you want to make peace, you never share the good stuff. People like it when you have it bad.
You guys have it too good. That’s the problem in this shul. That's why everybody fights...
 
Part of the gifts is appeasement. (Bereishit 32:5) He told the messengers to let Esav know that ‘I lived with Lavan and I lingered until now.’ A lot of lingering in the shul… You guys never walk into Minyin. You hang in the halls. Just lingering… You linger with Lavan. You don't linger in the halls. The fights in shul are caused because you miss your Aliyahs, lingering in the halls. Lingering with Lavan makes peace...
He lived with Lavan. It’s a curse. Whenever I see somebody who doesn’t like me, I tell them I’m still the rabbi here, and they start to like me a bit. They feel bad for me. They take pity…

Rashi teaches, 'With Lavan I lived and I kept the 613 mitzvot.' Garti (I lived) and Taryag (613) are spelled with the same letters in Hebrew… Acronyms prove stuff... According to this, he is letting Esav know that he didn't give up, like Michael who left in the middle of his Bar Mitzvah. During Revi'i he just said, 'I can't do this. People correcting me. I'm out.' And he left right in the middle of the Aliyah... There is no redeeming factor in that. Esav would still hate you...
 
This is about peace between brothers. If Micky would just let Mordy know the Jolly Rancher was licked and he found it on the floor… If he gave his brother Jelly Bellys and then told him how bad he had it… And even with the Jolly Rancher on the floor, he still went to junior congregation...
 
We learn life lessons from how Yakov prepares. And prayer is right in there. You also prepare with prayer.
I pray you are less annoying. I do that every day...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
That was a smart move on Yakov’s behalf. You don’t go first, otherwise you might get hurt.
The rabbi made it clear that he was appeasing. He knew that his brother seeing him right away would cause a war. If the Gabai knew this, he would have other people giving out Aliyahs and show up later.
 
The rabbi is very correct about Bazooka. You don’t give those as a gift. The other person will think it’s a practical joke. Like you gave them a candy that has no flavor. They’ll start chewing and then they’ll hate you and start a war.
 
They truly are taking the rabbi’s neck cue much better now. When he looks up and around, they join. They were starting to get it on Yom Kippur with the BRosh Hashana Nigun. But it took time. The rabbi also developed his neck skills. You can now see it with the Avinu SheBashamim prayer. It is working much better than the hands up and out method of participation calling. Some people thought the rabbi was trying to split the shul with that.
The rabbi is against singing, possibly because of the messed up harmony. It’s in the bylaws now. He has put in a new bylaw that all communal singing must be in chant form. The chants are definitely more meaningful. There's a good solemness to the chants.

The rabbi milks having to deal with the president, Bernie, and Ethel. He feels it draws pity for him. He uses it every time he asks for a raise.
 
I hope the kids got the message from the rabbi and will start helping around the house. The kids are leaving crumbs everywhere. They don’t pick up after themselves. Can you imagine if Esav saw that kind of behavior?! The flocks would’ve meant nothing.

Fran got into with one of the little kids who gave her attitude when she suggested he pick up his candy and the wrapper. It was a real scuffle. I believe the whole congregation was happy Fran won. She body slammed him. I think it was Mordy. She can still take down the little ones at 92.
Instead of parent child learning, the rabbi hosted parent child cleanup. He taught them what’s it like to be a prisoner, who has committed a misdemeanor. You litter on the highway, you clean it. You throw candy on the floor in shul, you clean it. He said it was a Torah lesson.
Truth is sometimes Mordy and Micky fight over the half eaten lollypops on the floor. That's a form of compost as well.

The congregation doesn't keep the Mitzvot. Even when they're lingering and have time, they do noting positive.