Sermons of Rebuke II: VaYeshev and Chanukah

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
The wind is picking up outside. We suggest men wear winter hats to keep the Kippah down. It's very hard to attain a successful Kippah clampdown with your hand, and to keep warm at the same time.
 
The Shabbat compost bin is the trash can. That means you throw your trash in the compost, unless if it is trash. If it's real trash, you throw it in the trashcan. Your trash will be put in the earth.
Our shul supports littering. Our children are very good at it. They're very good at throwing their candy on the floor. They compost the wrappers.
 
Community Chanukah party will take place on Tuesday night. This way less people will show up and there will be less secret Maccabees.
 
The Latke and Hamentashen debate will not take place this year, as nobody cares to hear people arguing over which is better. It all depends on who makes them. And we all know that if Mrs. Friedberg is making the latkes, they will not taste good.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Root of all evil. Jealousy… It’s also the Gabai. I understand. But it’s jealousy and the president… Well, you kill the shul.

Yosef tells his brothers about the dreams. He would've told the board that he dreamt that the maintenance of the shul was done... The ballroom is in shambles. It will never get done. With the board at the helm. You can't dream of any committee in this congregation doing anything…
(Bereishit 36:11) ‘And his brothers were jealous of him, and his father guarded the matter.’ None of them got good sleep… They didn’t have a decent coat. Everybody wanted a decent coat… Not for the colors. But for the extra padding in the cold. It gets cold in the desert at night. One brother gets a decent coat, you get jealous... You get good sleep and you can dream. The brothers were freezing, tossing and turning...
 
Yakov knew that jealousy was worse than hatred. It wasn’t the hatred that threw Yosef in the pit. It was the jealousy. Which is why I always stay away from pits, and the Bima when the president is getting an Aliyah... I know I’m a good rabbi.
I dreamt the other day that the shul had no board. And the Gabai listened to me… I also dreamt we had 11 men for a Minyin. That didn’t happen… 11, so that if one of you goes to the bathroom. You’re always going to the bathroom. You spend half of the services in the bathroom... The hallway, then.
 
More harm takes place with jealousy... Nobody is jealous of your Kippah. It’s tiny. Whoever knitted it caused harm... Harm to our people. If it was bigger, you wouldn’t have to do a Kippah clampdown all the time.
You will never be an athlete with a Kippah like that. You can't swing a bat and have one hand on your Kippah... You play without a Kippah. Then you're just a heretic...
Jews wear Jewish clothes... Jewish clothes include the neon Kippot in our Kippah bin. Otherwise, the Kippah is flying all over... I know you all come to shul with your own Kippahs. We have the huge fluorescent yarmulkes as a message. To let you know you're Kippahs are way too small... Some of you bend for the Amidah and your Kippah flies off. I saw Shmuel's tiny Kippah fall into the Siddur. It was so flat and tiny, he couldn't find it between the pages...
 
Jealousy. They threw him in the pit... You throw your trash in compost… Yosef was not compost… Exactly. Recycling is trash. Composting is trash too. We just put the trash back in the earth… Exactly. We don’t throw trash in the garbage. We litter.
VeYeshev. Return it...
I don't know what to do with that tiny Kippah. Maybe compost...
 
No. Your kids throwing candy on the floor is a problem.
Just like throwing your brother in a pit… Lessons we learn from fighting brothers...
If they throw candy in the trash and not on the floor, there will be less jealousy. The kids hate having to throw things in the bin… No. You don’t put the wrapper trash in the compost trash. You put wrapper trash in the trash trash…

They should throw your gifts on the ground... Bad gifts... Secret Maccabee?... I can care less if a Maccabee is offended. The fact that you found a way to make Maccabee sound like a Christian thing you do at your office....

In compost. Mrs. Friedberg’s latkes go in compost. Then they go in a pit... That's what you do with things you're trying to get rid of... Brothers should not be thrown in a pit.
Those are the worst latkes I’ve ever tasted...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
I think the rabbi writes the announcements.
 
I didn’t know our rabbi was an environmentalist. He purchased a new Road Ranger. Twelve seater. He has a coupe, but he refuses to drive it. He only drives the twelve seater.
I think he just needed to let the congregants know they are wrong. He was against the compost bin when it started. He thought it was another recycle bin, and that is a waste. That never gets taken out of the shul. It’s just a pile of two liter bottles.
With this new compost thing that started a year and a half ago, I still have no idea where to put my trash. It's very confusing.

I think the rabbi was suggesting to compost the Chanukah gifts. And the Friedbergs can't cook. It's not Lashon Hara at this point. Everybody knows it. I believe it's Sakanat Nifashot to not warn people. It definitely will kill an Oneg Shabbis, or any Chag, for somebody.

The shul hosted a Dreidel Gambling Debate. That turned into Solomon trying to get his money back from Phil from their poker night. The rabbi said poker nights are Asur (Forbidden). Since that talk the shul has split up into little poker groups that take place one Wednesdays. The board insisted they host all poker nights in the shul.

The rabbi is pushing the shul’s huge neon Kippahs as the new style. He realizes that most of our older male members do not have a lot of hair and clips don't work. We are a poorly haired congregation. The clips don't work on Shmuel's tiny Kippah either. I think the clips are bigger than his Kippah.
The women’s section is excellently wigged. That's why the rabbi doesn't address the women's head-coverings in the winter. The average back of the head of a woman in our shul juts out a good foot and a half.

We had a Jewish clothing fair as part of the Chanukah party. They sold a lot of black hats and button down shirts. The skirts were too long for the toddlers.
Many people wanted multi-colored coats. The rabbi insisted that coats with many colors aren't Jewish.
 
It seems like brothers are always fighting in Bereishit. Birthrights and soup cause a lot of family quarrels.