Sermons of Rebuke II: VaYeitzei

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
We are celebrating the Pinkowitz birth this week. We are very happy for their cousins. We hope their kids someday bring them Nachis too. For now, we will enjoy the Kiddish in honor of the birth of their new cousin, living in Leeds.
 
A big Mazel Tov on Kayla's Bat Mitzvah. We are all very proud of you, even though your parents didn't invite most of the congregation to the Bat Mitzvah. Please know that if we were invited to the dinner you would get gifts from us.
 
The shul's electric bill has quadrupled. We know nobody will step forward and donate money to help with it. We just wanted to let you know.
The water bill is through the roof too. Literally. There's a hole in the roof.
We're letting you know that we won't depend on you.
 
The shul’s food pantry is on the side of the shul. Stop leaving cans you don't want at the shul entrance. Also, nonKosher food should not be in the kosher food pantry. It's kosher. We know the Feldbergs are heretics.
 
Rabbi Mendelchem’s Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom...
Wake up. It’s sermon time… Bernie is sleeping again…
This is a place of Gd. When Yakov realized he was in a place of Gd, he woke up...

Yakov took the stone he slept on and made a monument there, and poured oil on it. Pouring oil on the Aron was a bad idea. The ark is holy. We don’t need to pour oil on it… You stained the curtains.
Last time we did anything with oil half the shul burned down. I'm thinking we shouldn't have latkes this Chanukah...
 
(Bereishit 28:13-15) Yakov is sleeping and dreams of the ladder. And H’ is standing over him and He tells him about his offspring ending up in Topeka. And H' says, ‘I will be with you and I will guard you on your journey, and I will bring you back to the land.’  That is how I ended up here... If I didn't believe Gd was with me, I would not be with Bernie, the Pinkowitzs and the board...
Gd is not in Topeka. I can't imagine there is any similarity with our shul and Yakov other than people sleeping in the board meetings. They're boring... Bernie sleeping during the sermon is just Chutzpah...
H’ tells him his offspring will be like the dust of the earth and spread all over world… ‘uFaratzta’ is a great song. Love it. Timeless… There's no better song. You can't tell me it's not one of the top five Jewish songs of all time. Right there with 'Minyin Man'... UFaratzta uFaratzta uFaratzta...
Sforno teaches that we will be degraded like the dust of the earth and experience degradation all over the world… After that we will be redeemed. I hope that after I serve this congregation I will be redeemed...
You can’t be redeemed from good stuff. You can be redeemed from having to deal with Bernie and a board that doesn't fix up the shul... Nobody is going to be sleeping if we can’t pay the electric bill… It’s cold.
 
He slept on a stone. Stop complaining about the chairs… I know the springs are coming through. It’s not stopping Bernie from sleeping. Will you wake him up. This is a place of H’… It should be a place of Gd, but we have a board…

When Gd is there, you can do anything. You know He will bring you back. When you are part of the Oneness of the Olam, you can deal with stuff… You can deal with not getting any nachis from your kids, like the Pinkowitzs. Very religious….
I don't know if we can be comforted by the members.
We started the pantry because you left all of your kitchen garbage at the shul. Not comforting... When I say you can do anything when Gd is with you, that means having strength and comfort in your journeys. That does not mean leaving garbage at the shul. That does not mean not sharing the armrest... It does not mean leaving nonKosher in the Kosher food pantry... I know the pantry is for nonJewish people. But it's Kosher.
And who is keeping nonKosher… Do you just buy stuff and only look if it has a Hechsher at home?... Then return it.
Nobody keeps nonKosher. You don't keep nonKosher. You keep Kosher. The only people who keep nonMitzvahs are the board.

Your cousins went on a trip to England and stayed... It's pathetic. It's not your Simcha... I know it's your cousins. We'll enjoy the herring. We are thankful that you at least give to the shul. And they went on a journey...
 
Just because you left for a year doesn’t mean you don’t invite people to Kayla's Bat Mitzvah. No matter how comforted you were on your journey... There's tons of comfort when you leave the membership of Beis Emes uSefilah...
Maybe donate normal chairs to the shul for the Bat Mitzvah. You didn't invite anybody. Do something.
 
The point is Yakov made a vow. Knowing H' is with him, he made a vow. He made a vow to do something.
(Bereishit 28:20-22) He says ‘If H’ will be with me and guard me on the way that I go and give me bread to eat and clothes to wear. And bring me back to the house of my father in peace… the stone I set up as a pillar will be a house of Gd and everything You give me, I will tithe it for you.’
If you paid your dues. Even two percent.
We have Kiddish here. We feed you… We even have a pantry. And people even drop off their old clothes they hate... I know it's a food pantry. It should be a 'we don't want stuff in our home' pantry.
You poured oil all over. You did that part... Well you are very sloppy in the kitchen...
 
Let’s make a vow that the board doesn’t mess up the shul. Maybe then, we can be sure Gd will be with us…
 
The shul is a House of Gd. Will you wake him up already!
 
I am sorry the chairs are uncomfortable… It’s like you’re sleeping on stone… We’re not pouring oil on the chairs too.
Pour water on Bernie. Wake him up already. This is a place of Gd... And tell Bernie to pay his Yom Kippur pledge already...
 
Rivka’s Rundown
Oil in the shul is a bad idea. They use oil for everything. The sisterhood can’t even make a decent dressing.
If they're going to use oil, they have to contain it. If you ever saw our congregants in the kitchen, you'd know how dirty they are.
 
We sung 'UFaratzta' for a good half hour. That word is amazing. All I know is that Bernie was faratztaing the whole sermon. Love that word.

The chairs are uncomfortable. No question about that. It would've been much better if an opera house was closing and not a rundown movie theater.
 
We need more shul Simchas. Something positive done by a member of the shul or their children. We can't keep on celebrating parties for people who've never been to the shul. The other week we celebrated Shmuli's fifteenth birthday in Singapore. Nobody ever met the kid. We needed a reason for a big Kiddish.
The Pinkowitzs are very religious. They believe that their children will do something positive. That takes a lot of belief. You’ve got to see Malkie Pinkowitz. No hope.

I'm not too happy I was one of the eight people in the shul invited to Kayla's Bat Mizvah dinner. I’m a big fan of Kiddishes. You don’t have to buy gifts for those.
The other members of the shul should be happy they didn’t have to go. I had to sit through a family video of their pictures. We saw every picture they ever took of Kayla to that ‘Is this the Little Boy at Play’ song. ‘Sunrise Sunset.’ I think that’s the name.
 
The electric bill is high. The board decided the best way to deal with it is to ignore it.
We really have no heat right now. Services felt like an outdoor concert with no band. I think that's what bothered the rabbi is that Bernie brought a blanket to shul to keep warm and sleep better during the sermon.
I hope he doesn't talk about sleeping again this coming week. It would seem the congregants take that as a cue.