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The Prelude
It was the week of Tisha BAv and everybody was about to say the Tachnun prayer. They started with 'VHu Rachum.' To which Menachem cried out, 'It is not Maariv.' The rest of the Wise Men and Women reminded him that 'VHu Rachum' is part of Tachnun, in the mornings, as well. To which Menachem responded, 'I have such a Zechut (an honor) to be part of such a wise community.' To which they responded, 'We should all cry out during Tachnun.' Tachnun Before Tisha BAv? It was at this moment that Yankel, or Yankel Tzvi Ben Mendel Simcha as his friends know him (a nickname they gave him), jumped in and abruptly stopped everybody, 'But we must not say Tachnun. For the Artscroll says you don't recite "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan until the day after Shavuos (some congregations do not resume Tachun until 14 Sivan); Tisha BAv; 15 Av;...' And he continued to stress, 'There is a semicolon between Shavuos and Tisha BAv.' And all of the Wise Men and Women asked why he read the parenthesis. Never had the Wise Men and Women confronted such a perplexing question, such as raised by the Artscroll Siddur. What Do We Do? Shprintza explained, 'We cannot say it, for Yankel is correct and he said "don't recite."' 'Recite' is proof of prayer, as the Wise Men and Women concluded 'we must not pray.' But what does the Artscroll mean?! Is Tisha BAv in the month of Sivan?! And they discussed. And nobody wanted to say Tachnun if they didn't have to. 'That is a wise decision,' shouted Lazer. So, they went to the rabbi. They came to the rabbi with the issue. 'But the Artscroll says "from Rosh Chodesh Sivan..." and there is a semicolon.' And Rabbi Fishel said, 'The Artscroll means that you don't say it on the day of Tisha BAv.' And Reuven shouted, 'That's why he's our rabbi.' And all cheered. The Rabbi Explains In fervor, all listened to the rabbi, as he elucidated and gave a pilpul on the meaning of '; Tisha BAv;' He told them that it means we don't say Tachnun the week before Shavuos. Rabbi Fishel explained, 'But the semicolon separates them. It is the week of Shavuot, semicolon. If there was a comma and an "and" after the second comma, then it would mean the week before Tisha BAv as well.' And the Pshat on Semicolons was given. Epilogue For months the Wise Men and Women were trying to figure out how Tisha BAv was in Sivan and not in Av. And the community stopped searching for a new rabbi, as they knew Rabbi Fishel was the wisest rabbi of all. To quote Sarah Shaindel, 'Only such a wise rabbi as ours can offer an exegesis on the Artscroll's notes to Tachnun. Such a clear commentary on the Artscorll's notes one has yet to have heard. Not even Rashi, the great commentator, did he give a Pshat on Artscroll.' To which Reuven shouted, 'And that's why he's our rabbi.' And from then on, Rabbi Fishel had to deal with questions as to why some Artscroll Siddurs didn't have Tehilim in the back. Yankel continued to protest, as he could not figure out why there was a semicolon. And to this day, nobody knows what a semicolon means. The community was not happy. They were all hoping to get out of saying Tachnun. As the Wise Men and Women pointed out, 'Tachnun is way too long and it makes us not want to come to shul. Not saying Tachnun makes us happy.' It was also pointed out that nobody cared about Pinchas and Freida's wedding. They were just happy they didn't have to say Tachnun that morning in shul. To quote, 'That is a Simcha.' Lazer injected, 'I haven't eaten challah for two years, in fear that I will have to say Birkat Hamazon.' To which the Wise Men and Women agreed, 'It is almost as painful as having to say Tachnun.' The Artscroll read, 'Some communities say this.' Duvidel asked, 'What does "some communities don't say" mean?' To which Berel the Gabai responded, 'Communities that don't show up to shul on time.' 'Exactly,' responded Yankel. To which Fayge shouted, 'That's my Gabai.' And all were so proud of their Wise Rabbi and Gabai. Years later, they bought new Siddurs and fired the rabbi. Throughout the land, they couldn't find another Shprintza, with no other name attached. Just a one named Shprintza was not found. They found Ruchel Shprintzas, Sarah Shprintzas, Bayla Shprintazas. But no Shprintza. And that is why they all know her as Shprintza. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming and the shul's air-conditioning is not working. We hope that is helpful. The panel discussion for mental health will take place on Tuesday. We suggest Shoshi, Sherri, Shoshana, Shana, Sheryl, Sherlie, Ethel, Berel, Leibel, Muttel and Shloimy show up. There are other people who should be there, as they also have no idea how to interact with other people at Kiddish. Merv also makes everybody uncomfortable with his jokes. A panel discussion on why Bernie is so annoying will be hosted by the rabbi next month. We are asking somebody to take the shul's Tallis to the cleaners. It smells disgusting. It actually smells like the history of the shul. No more Yashkoyachs in the shul for people who get an Aliyah. They do nothing. Give your Yashkoyach to the Bal Koreh. The one who prepared. The one who spent fifteen hours and their childhood working on the Torah reading. And no Yashkoyach for opening the ark. Pulling a string is not a feat. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Again. Complaining... That's what Moshe was talking about. We see it in his speech in Devarim... No. Moshe's sermon was longer than mine. The whole Sefer... You still complain. We don't go into Israel because of your complaints. The last shul trip didn't happen because you were worried about the heat, Bella... And nothing about big grapes. I love them. I love big grapes. I would've moved to Israel. I would've taken the grapes from the spies, eaten them and moved to Israel... Of course I would've taken Maser first. I would've tithed... Even Moshe says he needs help to deal with your annoyingness... (Devarim 1:12) 'How can I carry by myself your bothersomeness, your burdens and your fighting?!' Thank you for saying it Moshe. Thank you. This is why Moshe is our greatest leader. They are annoying. I know... I have Bernie sitting in the front right. I know. I go to Kiddish with them. I even have to deal with their Bar and Bat Mitzvah plans... No. I don't care if there is a bouncy house. I see them every Shabbis. And the fights. 'I want Sheni. I want Shelishi. Wah Wah Wah. Wah Wah Wah.' And you don't even Layn... You can barely make the walk, Max. It take you three minutes to get up to the Bima... It's this selfishness that is the reason for Tisha BAv... Rashi explains, the people were difficult to deal with. Even in court they would bring more witnesses just to cause problems... Anything to win. Kind of like getting into an argument with Rivka... We already decided we're doing meat for Shalishudis... We're religious. We don't say Seuda Shelishit... Or the third Shabbat meal. Shalishudis... You don't have to keep telling me that brisket is better than pasta. Tuna and egg salad do go well with pasta though. And that is why it's shul tradition to always have tuna for Shalishudis. They were also skeptical of Moshe. They questioned Moshe's motives... My motives are to get out of here. To not deal with messed up BBQs and panels, and a Shacharit that takes two hours because Felvel still can't read Hebrew... The don't lead. That's an idea. My motives are to not have to wish people Yashkoyachs for everything. The guy opened up the ark... He kept pulling the closing string. Three minutes of curtain banging. Yashkoyach for not being able to figure out that there is another side to the sting... Well those window curtains with the angles are impossible to open and close. Nobody can figure out the right angle on those screens to keep them in place... You're the reason for Tisha BAv... We'll find other leaders... That's exactly what Moshe says. He tells them that he'll give them leaders from their houses and tribes... Exactly. Now they have to deal with annoying questions about having mousse cake at the Bat Mitzvah. This is when delegation starts. He delegates the issues. You. This is why we have Tisha BAv... You. No answer. There is no answer to your annoyingness. Just 'find me other people to deal with you.' Next year, we need a Tisha BAv panel discussion on the back left in the shul and why they are the reason for hatred amongst the Jewish people... Maybe if you made some decent mousse cake for Shalishudis, we would have Shalom. We can all be leaders nowadays. Now that we don't have Moshe, we have to try to not be like the back left section. Right there... Being a leader means passing on our beautiful tradition. We don't have a Beit Hamikdash, and now you want to clean the Tallis?! Does tradition not mean anything to you... Forget about the Beis Hamikdash. I'm burning. Where is the air-conditioning?! You can't have Shalom when it's eighty-two degrees in the shul. At night... The board is the reason for Tisha BAv. Rivka's Rundown The rabbi was so happy. This was the first sermon where he just thanked Moshe. He didn't have to say anything extra. Moshe let out his anger in the Torah on behalf the rabbi. By the way. The rabbi loves grapes. Why announce the air-conditioning is not working? Even when it is working, they set it to seventy-three. There is nothing positive about the air-conditioning not working on the longest fast day of the year, on the hottest day of the year. The board should've just said, 'We messed up and we don't want people coming to shul.' All of Tisha BAv there were fights in shul. It was too hot. Everybody was on edge. We needed leaders to deal with the anger. That Tallis truly does smell disgusting. It smells like Bernie. 'You're the reason for hatred... You're the reason for Tisha BAv.' What a beautiful lesson. Every Shabbis I go over to thank the rabbi and wish him a Yashkoych. Their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are annoying. What happened to the pigs in the blanket?! Now. It's bouncy houses and chicken fingers. I believe panel discussions have turned into a passive aggressive way of saying other people are very annoying and you don't want to see them in shul. Mark suggested a panel discussion about how Sheryl always parks in his parking spot. Truth is that those who showed up to the mental health panel discussion were all judged. Everybody at Kiddish said they had mental health issues, and only come to shul because they like the free food and need it for conversation. That's what the discussion at Kiddish was, over the choolante that everybody was raving about. They should have a panel discussion on what to serve for Shalishudis. I'm with the rabbi. You serve tuna and egg salad. And pasta does go well with that stuff. Chips too. Some people in the shul equate Yiddishkeit with brisket. My question is if they ever ate the third Shabbat meal or kept Shabbis before. If they did, they would know that tuna and egg salad are just as vital to Yiddishkeit. And the topic of that panel can be 'Rivka has no idea what she is talking about. And she is annoying.' Everybody in the shul wants honors, but they don't even Layn, as reading from the Torah is hard. They don't deserve a Yasher Koyachs. Lazy. Some of them expect a Yashkoych for being the tenth one at the Minyin. The guy shows up late and he gets a congratulations. I think they all learned the lesson the rabbi was trying to impart. I looked around. Nobody wished the rabbi a Yashkoyach after his sermon. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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It is the Nine Days, the time of Jewish calamity, and Jews are enjoying themselves in The Mountains not swimming. There's no greater feeling than mourning. So, let's delve into the sadness of this time.
Here are the bad things that happened during this time (Mishnah Taanit 4:6), on Tisha BAv: The Twelve Spies returned from their mission and spoke disparagingly about the land of Israel, saying stuff like it has big grapes. Which back then was offensive. The spies' mission wasn't to come back and complain. Truth is, I don't remember one shul trip to Israel where people didn't complain about the heat. Even the spies didn't complain about the heat. And out members are old. The first time they don't feel a draft and they complain. (Bamidbar Rabbah 16:20) Gd said, 'You cried before me pointlessly, I will make for you (this day as a day of) crying for the generations.' And H' wasn't lying. H' sticks to His word. And Tisha BAv is not a good day. And kids cry at camp every summer, due to their parents abandoning them. And their parents are happy. Let's see what else happened. The First Temple was destroyed by Nebuchadnezzar in 586 BCE. The Second Temple was destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE. There is something about Tisha BAv that has people thinking it's a good time for destruction during any CE. It's the heat. I'm telling you, it's the heat. If the spies would've went in Nisan or Iyar when the weather is decent and the grass is blooming, they would've loved it. And the grapes would've been smaller. The Romans crushed Bar Kokhba’s revolt and destroyed Beitar, killing over 500,000 Jewish civilians in 135 CE. I'm still not over this. I can tell you, the people in Jerusalem care very much about Beitar to this day. Beiter went thirteen years, prior to 2023, without winning the Israeli Football Premier League Cup. So, don't think anybody forgets Beitar. People do still mourn Beitar sometimes. Roman commander Quintus Tineius Rufus plowed the site of the Temple, not realizing the city is stone, full of rock. and not optimal for vegetation. Joke's on Quintus. Some Other Stuff That Happened: More Bad Times The first Crusades commenced. It was official. They had a parade and killed us. Jews were expelled from everywhere. When you're expelled from everywhere, where do you go? Russia. The Final Solution received approval. They asked if they should kill the Jews, and the answer was yes. Not much discussion. I believe the answer was, 'Are you an idiot?! Of course you kill the Jews.' It's the August heat. It gets Europeans wanting to kill Jews. The thought: 'It's 90 outside. The Jews!!!' 'Exactly. Kill them!' As a Jew, I don't visit Europe during the summers. Jews disengaged from Gaza. At this point, you would've thought the Israeli government realized it was a bad idea to do stuff on Tisha BAv. Not good PR. A bunch of Apikorsim. If they would've waited till after Tisha BAv, the residents would've been more compliant. You expect people to move on a fast day?! At around six in the afternoon, I had a hankering for some split pea soup. That was real hard. That kind of got me a bit emotional. Fast days get me thinking about how I miss split pea. Mushroom and barley doesn't hit the spot on a fast. Just pea. I can go on about the Tisha BAv that we had no split pea. While I was hungry, I had to sit on a floor and say Kinot for six hours. I had mixed feelings about that, as I was sad. And it feels good to be sad. There is more stuff that happened on Tisha BAv. I know during COVID my mutual fund plummeted. And articles don't come out as funny when you're talking about Jewish massacres and destruction of Jerusalem and the Temples. Let us all pray for redemption and Bracha, and that the local butcher has Osem soup nuts. Those go excellent with split pea soup. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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As The Three Weeks, between the calamities, is upon us, it's important to remember the bad stuff, and to write something that somebody will be offended by. So. What happened on the 17th of Tammuz?
The Mishnah in Taanit (4:6) teaches that five things happened: 1) Moshe broke the Luchot. He was a bit shocked when he came down from Mount Sinai and saw Maury worshiping a Golden Calf. The guy never had Kavanah (proper intent) during Davening. All the sudden, he's bowing. For this, he has energy. That's when you break tablets. And then to find out that Ruchel gave up her earrings and a bracelet for it. A smack in the face. And I lost a sock. 2) During the Babylonian siege of Jerusalem, the Jews were forced to cease offering the daily sacrifices due to the lack of sheep. Now people were stuck eating melons. Nobody talks about the lack of sleep. They got great sleep without the sheep. Before the lack of sheep there was baaing all over the Old City. You couldn't get a good night's sleep. Imagine American Yeshiva kids talking outside your door in the Rova all night. It's the same thing. Painful. 3) Apostomos burned a Torah scroll. Hate the guy. Don't know if he was a Greek or Roman officer. Either way. Hate the guy. If he would've known how much a Torah costs, he wouldn't have burned it. He would've tried to sell it on the black market. We have to let the anti-Semites know how much Torahs go for, before attacking us. They might want to go into business with us. 4) An idol was placed in the Second Temple. If Apostomos would've burned that, we would've liked him. And I had to get an oil change, which ended up costing sixty-five dollars. That was bothersome. 5) The walls of Jerusalem were breached by the Romans, in 69 CE, after a lengthy siege. And they didn't have the decency to bring sheep. This led to the destruction of the Second Temple. There were gates. You knock. We let you in. But Romans are rude. There is other bad stuff that the Mishnah didn't mention. It turns out, Walmart said Jews in The Mountains can't return their lawn chairs that they used over the summer. They said it was wrong to come back with the used chair at the end of the summer, when they go back to the city and don't need them anymore. It's that kind of anti-Semitism that destroyed the Beit HaMikdash. I'm sure Apostomos was managing that Walmart. Truly. It's the Chutzpah. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Matos-Masai7/16/2023
Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming up. Prepare for the Nine Days this week. Please don't cause anybody to speak Lashon Hara by saying something stupid. The rabbi would like to let the congregants know that they're the reason for the destruction. Also, no new clothes should be bought during this time. Don't do laundry. If everybody looked disheveled like Max, we would be better off as a people. The shul would like to apologize for the Ferkowitz Simcha. It was almost as bad as the Feigenbloom's wedding. We are just happy that it took place during the Three Weeks. The Shabbis Simcha was awful. It reminded us all about the destruction of the Temple, with stale Babka, a meatless choolante, and streamers. The redemption will not come with toothpicks in gefilte fish balls. Highlights from the annual meeting: Everybody shared their opinion. Books were left outside for the kid library for three days. Everybody passed them. All people at the meeting saw the books piled at the door. We just felt it is important to note that nobody bent to help. Keeping the shul clean wasn't brought up at the annual meeting. Nor was having a Minyin. People going to Minyin also passed the books and didn't pick them up. We want to thank all of our volunteers. You. Rabbi Mendelchem’s Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 31:11-14) They brought Moshe and Elazar the spoils of the Midianim, the captives and the animals... 'Moses was angry with the leaders of the army...' And they make another mistake. Moshe's like 'Not again... the sisterhood chipped the facade again...' Then don't decorate. Every time you decorate the Simcha hall it looks less happy... It looks like the destruction of the Temple... Why do we need streamers in the shul?! The shul doesn't need streamers. Don't come up with ideas. Your creativity is detrimental to service of Gd. Surprise!!! Moshe is not happy. 'But we thought we were doing the right thing.' And you even mess up vows... I hear a promise from you and I'm thinking 'I hope they don't keep that promise... Because when you keep promises the shul ends up with a whole library full of boxes that you dump at the back door, and streamers in gefilte fish balls... Bite-size gefilte fish balls are disgusting. Gefilte fish can be amazing. Tiny balls with a toothpick are... Your help is messed up... No ideas. Don't think. We have so much stuff. We don't need more spoils. Your books are spoiled. Your donation of the coat rack... We have a coat rack already. We have a whole coat room... You wanted to throw it out and not get taxed. And then you gave us your coats. You gave us your coat rack with your coats... The Salvation Army said no. Have you ever seen how angry your donations get me?! And your donations to the food cupboard. You get poor people mad... So many of you say stupid stuff and you never keep your promises. You said you were going to diet on New Year's... You have no dieted. There is no way that you have been dieting Mark. Promises are like vows. I would annul every one of your promises to the shul... Did you give your donation from the Yizkur Appeal?! Exactly. Right after Kol Nidrei, you lie... Annul it all. I would annul your memberships too. Why don't you vow to pick up the books that have been sitting at the front door for a week?! Why does Moshe get mad at the leaders? Rashi 'The transgression of a generation is dependent on its leaders. As they have the power to protest.' The shul has no leaders, so I get mad at everyone... What have the leaders done? Exactly. No leaders. Yes. Moshe is mad. He asks (Bamidbar 31:15) 'Did you let the females live?!' Who does that... They caused the Jews to sin. Always causing sin. It's the women... Of course, Moshe had his heart broke. They do it to all of us... You can make a difference. You can protest wrong. Not one person brought in the books. Fifty people at the annual meeting. Books still outside... It wasn't even a discussion. And you like to discuss stuff. You didn't even talk about it. Nobody brought up keeping the shul clean. Or Minyin. We haven't had a Minyin, and you're talking about the shul BBQ... No. You talked about the concept of cleaning. A metaphysical concept. Wasn't even discussed at the annual meeting. Instead, you discussed the new concept of Shul Storage... I know we can make a lot with self-storage in the shul. Instead of the 'please take your books and stuff back to your house bins' we charge people for throwing out their trash... Why does Moshe get mad? You do so many things wrong. If you would just listen to me. You don't even Kasher correctly. (Bamidbar 31:21-24) You pass it through the fire and 'you must be purified with the sprinkling water'... Yes. A Mikvah. I know it's disgusting to put it in the Mikvah after Shloimi dunked in it. When was the last time you showered... Even Max showers. That's why we built the Keli Mikvah... Why is Shloimi dunking himself in the Keli Mikvah? That's wrong... Yes. We can have cameras in the Keli Mikvah. How about we vow to talk about what is important in shul... Money. Exactly. This is why it's good that a father and husband can annul a vow... You make dumb decisions.... Maybe vow to smile. Yes. It's the Nine Days. Maybe if you smiled, we'd rebuild the Temple... This isn't the annual meeting. Your opinions just get your rabbi angry... They would definitely bother Moshe. Rivka’s Rundown I believe I heard the rabbi say he was going to annul everybody's membership. That would make for a happier atmosphere in shul. I think that everybody loves the shul BBQ. If we skipped Minyin on Shabbis mornings and just had a BBQ, more members would show. The books sat there for three at least three days. Might have been a week. We've turned the lost-and-found into a donation bin for stuff we're hoping to get rid of. It's a please take your stuff back bin. I know who donated it by who's happy when they pass the bin. They see their donations there and smile, and they leave it. The shul got new security cameras. I think it's to figure out who's leaving their trash at the shul. I'm telling you, these people just drop it at the door and run. It's a drop and run. I've seen some throw the stuff out of their car, in hopes that nobody sees them. I know it was the Smithstein family, when we saw the name tags of their eleven-year-old that grew out of the speedo for camp this summer. The shul as a storage space is a bit much. Though, we do need to figure out what to do with all the books, clothing and disheware. The dishware is wrong. If we just knew who it was, we would be able to tell if it was meat or dairy, or not kosher. Nobody trusts the Hashgacha in the Bergstein home. That's how you know if somebody is religious in the community. If they spit when they hear the Bergstein name. The Nine Days are truly enjoyed by our community. The congregants are very good at mourning. They never smile. The annual meeting was like a townhall. Everybody complained about cleanliness and nobody picked up the books. The books are probably still sitting there, and everybody is complaining about cleanliness. They didn't discuss cleanliness. They complained about it. And then they moved on to complaining about the building and who have they have to sit next to during the High Holidays. Everybody has an opinion. I thought we would be out of there, and then people started asking questions. Questions take a really long time. The new kids’ library is never clean. The parents never told their kids to clean up after themselves. That should be a vow kids take. 'I vow to clean up after myself.' The parents in our shul would annul that vow. They don't want their kids helping with anything in the shul. They want them to follow in the family tradition. I believe the message in the homes is: Don't clean up after yourself at shul. We paid dues three years ago. Somebody had the Chutzpah to ask the rabbi why he didn't pick up the books and bring them in. The rabbi explained that he was trying to teach them a lesson. The whole thanking the volunteers is getting annoying. They volunteer for the least helpful things. One guy volunteered to get an Aliyah and got mad when he didn't get a thank you note. Too much credit is given to these people for doing nothing. Nobody volunteered to pick up the books. Volunteer to cleanup. That's a volunteer. The cleaning service doesn't clean anything. They passed those books a few times. They thanked all the volunteers in the announcements with 'you.' They couldn't come up with anything other than 'you.' That was the activity they did as volunteers. They were them. I think rabbi proposed that Moshe was mad at women because a girl broke his heart. I get it. I can definitely tell you that Mark is not dieting. I've seen him at Kiddishes and Simchas. The Ferkowitzs got a bad rap. It's not their fault. Mark devoured all the pigs in blankets before they made it to the smorgasbord. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Many of my students have asked when they should say Yasher Koyach. The true answer is when you want to disrupt Davening (prayers).
However you use Yasher Koyach, we say it too much. Be it Yasher Koyach or Yashkoych, or Shkoych, or Shkoch, or Ych, there are proper times to say it. It is meant to tell somebody 'job well done,' and most people in my congregation are not deserving of that. Now people get a Yashkoych for anything. They sneeze, they get a Yashkoych and they think they did a good job of blowing. Egos inflated for allergies. Here is a list that will help you figure out when to wish a Yashkoych. Who Deserves a Yashkoych If they got the Aron curtain right on the first pull, they get a Yashkoych. If they had to pull the string more than twice, they have no coordination. No Yashkoych. Somebody gets an Aliyah. No Yashkoych. They did nothing. The guy Layning deserves a Yashkoych. He prepared. He studied the Parsha. He deserves a Yashkoych and a Kiddish. The guy who calls up people to the Torah. That Gabai gets a Yashkoych. They have to read a bit. The other Gabai standing there, because he can't find a seat. Find him a seat. No Yashkoych for somebody who can't play musical chairs right. If he corrects the guy Layning, he gets a Yashkoych. Even if the guy Layning says it right. As long as he corrects him it's fine. A Yashkoych for getting himself noticed. That shows he was following the Torah reading, even if he can't read Hebrew with Nikdoodot right. That's a something. Guy carrying the second Torah around shul. Give him a little something. A candy. A candy. Candy man gets a Yashkoych and a thank you. Hagbah, lifting the Torah, Yashkoych. That's a man. Galila, rolling the Torah. If it's somebody over fifteen years old, mock them. Give them the Torah to hold for twenty minutes, while the Hagbah dude goes back to his seat to relax and get some Yashkoychs. If the Hagbah guy opened less than three columns, let him sit there with the Torah. Nobody's scared of him. Any Aliyah, if they do Mishebeyrachs for their whole family, they relinquish the right to Yashkoychs. Sponsoring a Kiddish gets a Yashkoych if there is potato kugel. If the Kiddish only had Danish. No Yashkoych. Babka. If it's a decent Babka, a Yashkoych. Sponge cake deserves disappointment. You stop a kid from taking a cookie before the rabbi makes Kiddish. Yashkoych. That's a community leader. Stops by your house to drop off the Babka, a Yashkoych. Shows up to shul, they get a Shabbat Shalom. No Yashkoych. Gets a hit for the shul softball team, a Yashkoych and an elbow-to-elbow high-five. Kid getting up for Anim Zemriot. No Yashkoych. Don't need a third grader thinking he's great. Bar Mitzvah boy, no Yashkoych. Bar Mitzvah boy Layns. Definitely no Yashkoych. We don't want to encourage that kid to do that slow Torah reading again. It's painful. Throw candies at the kid real hard. Let him learn a lesson. Bat Mitzvah girl, only gets a Yashkoych if the Bar Mitzvah boy is there. Makes him feel bad. Parents get a Yashkoych, especially after that blessing that says how happy they are that they don't have to 'deal with this punishment' anymore. That blessing helps all parents feel better. Why It's Important to Not Give Everybody a Yashkoych We don't need more underachievers in our community. The egos of my congregants are so inflated from over Yashkoyching. Berel got back from the bathroom, he got a Yashkoych. The other guy thought he was coming back from an Aliyah. Now, Berel goes to the bathroom every Shabbis morning during Layning. He gets more respect for that than leading Shacharit. One guy walking back from the Aliyah. He thought he was a rock star, pointing at everybody, 'Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' He was like Triple H walking out on Monday Night RAW. At a Sefardi Minyin the same guy turned around to the Kehillah (congregation) and shouted, 'Chazak vAmatz to all of you,' and he didn't even buy them a round. The point is that the Yashkoychs are getting to people's heads, and the guy even messed up the Barchu. He said the second blessing first. I hope this helps you figure out when to say Yashkoych. If you truly care and want to make somebody smile, say 'Mazel Tov.' Everybody loves a Mazel Tov. It makes them feel like they just celebrated something. For Berel, it was the restroom in the back of the shul. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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I got stuck on דף מ"ט
49a When you damage somebody's field, you pay them back with the best of your field or the best of their field. I don't know which one. That part is very confusing. Rabbi Yishamel and Rabbi Akiva argue. But they don't argue. But they do. We think they argue. 49b Nope. They're arguing. Rabbi Yishmael says you have to pay from the best of the fields of the Nizik (the one who got damaged). Rabbi Akiva says from the best of the fields of the one who did the damages, the Mazik. It's a better deal for the Mazik to pay from the Nizik's best, as your ox damaged all of their stuff already. So, you pay from the best of the trampled-on corn. And then other people get involved and it gets confusing. They talk about Tikun Olam (fixing the world) and that is why you have to give from the best of your field, so that people don't steal. If the judges take away your best property, you won't steal. You'll be stuck with the stuff that you stole. And why are you stealing Kias when you have to pay back with a Toyota. Lexus would be a better example. We should've said Lexus. The real lesson here is, don't get caught. We have a Ketubah so that the husband doesn't get rid of his wife. Without a Ketubah he would drop her right away. It's easier to watch football when you don't have a wife. But when you have to now pay 200 zuz, you think twice about letting her go. So there is reason to say you can pay her with the best of your field. But maybe it's the worst of your field. All I know is that women want to get married and men want a big screen and a beer. We learn the laws of marriage from damages and theft. That's how our sages understand marriage. וכי תימא 'Maybe you'll say'- When the Gemara said this it got more confusing for everybody. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
The rabbi forgot to announce July 4th last week. We are sorry for his lack of love for America. It wasn't in the announcements either, because of the rabbi. The rabbi did have a BBQ. The Herman Mishpuchi confirmed that. Don't worry. Nobody missed out. It was just dogs. No hamburgers. The shul's July 4th parade didn't happen. We want to apologize for not having the parade again this year. It was the rabbi's fault. Glamping group will be meeting at the Walmart parking lot, where they will spend their first night of glamping. No attacking people for Davening too fast. Just because somebody said the Baal Tefillah (Chazin) did Adon Olam too fast does not give everybody the right to jump on the guy. As much as we all like to complain, nobody wants to be in shul longer. Please thank him. If you'd like to blame somebody, blame the rabbi. Shul excercise classes are starting this Monday. The classes will get you in shape for carrying around the Torah, helping setup Kiddish, and showing up to shul on time. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... They counted the people... It's called a census... Well. It makes sense. There was a plague. When something catastrophic happens, you take a census. That is why we count every day at Shul... This congregation is a plague. Minyin... Almost every Minyin is catastrophic. The Aliyah and ark opening fights... We rarely get a Minyin. So. When people do come, like at a normal shul, we take a census... They count kids in camp too... The way the shul's day camp is run, you need to take a census. They lose kids all the time... I know we don't count at junior congregation. Because you don't care if we lose your children. (Bamidbar 26:10) 'Then the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them and Korach with the death of the assembly... a sign...' That's how you teach a lesson... We're not scaring your kids... The basement didn't swallow your kids. They were playing down there. They got locked in the... We didn't lose them, and they didn't get swallowed by the laundry chute... Why the swallowing? To teach a lesson. Rashi teaches so that people know to not mess with the Kehuna... We need signs so that people know to not do Davening too fast, or the congregation will hurt you... A sign to lift the Torah correctly. Felvel broke his back the other day lifting the Torah. A cue. Like 'tighten your stomach'... I would think that the flags around the city and the BBQs would remind you it's July 4th. That's a sign... We've never had a parade. We've seen other people parade. But our congregants don't parade. Our congregants couldn't walk down Main Street. They can't even walk to shul... I know because you all drive. Nobody cared when I forgot Yom HaAtzmaut... The real problem is blame. A lack of wanting to do, yet wanting credit. You want the Kehuna, but you don't want to help setup Kiddish. You eat... You complain about not getting honors in shul. You scream at the Gabai. None of you want to Layn... We should not give Yasher Koyachs for getting an Aliyah. The guy did nothing. You Layn, you read from the Torah, your get a Yasher Koyach. Don't mess with the Kehuna and don't mess with the Gabai. From now on, if you get angry about not getting an Aliyah, we hurt you. Either that or you have to help setup Kiddish. And you have to walk to shul... Never effort. You all show up at 10:30am. It takes you two hours to walk to shul. You must be out of shape... Pinchas took action. Those who take action don't complain. They don't mess with the Kehuna. They do. They don't blame, like Isaac... To get mad at the Baal Tefillah is not a Pinchas move. He was leading Davening... He didn't start taking off his clothes in the middle of Chazaras HaShas... Pinchas would've Davened fast. There is no such thing as Davening too fast. There is appreciation. Anytime one of the kids doesn't lead Ein Keilokeinu, and we can sing the normal tune... Yes. We're thankful when we do the not slow tune. You get up there and you lead. You don't learn how to lead. You do it. Leading is an action... Leading is not what you're doing when you complain about the rugulach at Kiddish... I understand they have cheese. They're a different kind of rugulach. You don't mess with the butterflake rugulach. Butterflake and cheese is amazing... Then you eat choolante later. Fools. Who was the fool who said to add more between Brachas and Rabbi Yishmael??? Who are you?... You're not even a member of the shul. You just showed up two weeks ago... Who are you?! In this shul, you all mess with stuff. Anything good, you mess with. The back left section should be swallowed up... If the earth swallowed up the congregants, we would get a Minyin. You all complain. You complain about me... I understand you need something to complain about, but you're messing with the shul. Who tells a guy to Daven slower?!!! Who?!!! What is wrong with you... You didn't even want to be the Baal Tefillah... It's you. (Bamidbar 26:11) 'The children of Korach didn't die.' Thank Gd. No kids died at camp this summer... You don't blame the children for the faults of their ancestors. We don't blame your kids that you Daven too slow... And we don't blame grandchildren for Bernie. We pray for them... If Korach's kids were at shul, with Shmuli leading Davening, they would've wanted to kill themselves. They would've asked why they're not leading... Because Shumli Davens too slow. He should be stabbed. We do an early Kiddish with Youth Groups so they can enjoy themselves. They'll starve if they have to wait for Shmuli to finish... A July 4th BBQ is up to you. It was at my house. And now you mess with July 4th. The fact you missed July 4th is on you. You didn't prepare. You didn't think about it. You just complained. You could've had a BBQ... I am not inviting you. You'll show up to a BBQ on time. Why not to Minyin? Instead, you go glamping... That's the most American thing you did. You went glamping. Instead of camping, you rented a house. And then you got fast food. You do nothing right. You don't even camp correctly... It was a house. You were driving an apartment, and then you slept at Walmart. Walmart is not a forest. Your kids aren't out of shape. They can go camping. They can pitch a tent. If they workout, they can lift the Torah and help with Kiddish. Maybe they can even learn to Layn... Glamping is not American tradition. It's about the next generation respecting tradition. Doing... Yes. Tzelafchad's daughters are there in the Parsha... Now. Now, you stick up for them. 3,400 years later?! Rivka's Rundwon The announcements are always misspelled. I think the rabbi ends every sermon angry. I agree with the rabbi. We need to slow down on the Yasher Koyachs. When I see people like Bernie getting an ego for rolling the Torah, not even Hagba, it's bothersome. Say, 'Hello.' Not 'Yasher Koyach.' He walks off the Bima like he's a rock star. Pointing at people, 'No. Baruch Tihiyeh to you.' We had Sefardim one Shabbis. He yelled out 'Chazak vAmatz to everybody,' and didn't even buy them rounds. 'The shul is a plague, but don't blame the kids.' A strong message from our rabbi. He is so wise. Always has the right lesson to impart. The parents in our shul are very messed up. The kids do learn from the adults. Junior congregation has got heated with the new elections. They are now arguing regularly. One kid who didn't even run for president of junior congregation asked why the girl who got voted in gets to lead. The big question is how many people can lead Davening at once. They had eight kids around the Bima leading last week. I think the youth director is scared that if she says 'no' the kids will protest. They have a Gabai who makes decisions as to who gets to use the LEGO. They truly threw the rabbi under the bus. The shul has never had a July 4th parade. Members join in for the town parade. We once had a Yom HaAtzmaut parade. The members couldn't even make the walk around the block. So out of shape. Which is why our softball team is getting killed again this year. The rabbi focused on July 4th this week as nobody invited him for a BBQ. He wanted to let them know they were rude. His sermon was very much about July 4th. Still, as some members said, 'It wasn't last week. When July 4th didn't happen yet... The rabbi spoke about July 4th at the wrong time. The weekend is before July 4th, not after. You have to prepare for the BBQ.' Nobody got mad at the rabbi for forgetting to announce Shiva Asar BTzamuz. Even though they forgot to fast, they didn't seem to mind not remembering the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temple. We didn't even get a Minyin for the fast that leads up to Tisha BAv. It was a nice day out though. Most of the congregants BBQed. They brought tents to glamping. Fools. If they knew that they provide housing for glamping. Once they noticed housing was provided, some of the parents wanted to make the kids feel like they were camping, so they brought tents to stay in outside the huts. I'm never going glamping again with members of our shul. They were complaining that there were bugs outside of their glamps. They called them yurts. It's a glamp. Everybody loved the Walmart glamping trip. The first two nights were spent in a Walmart parking lot. The third night we had to go to the glamps. We had to get out of the parking lot once we heard over the loudspeakers, 'Jewish people can't camp in our parking lot. We don't allow people to Daven in Minyin form for more than two days. If you're not tailgating, please go camping.' Everybody is a critic. This is the first time I have ever heard people complain that they were getting out of shul too early. There is something very wrong with this shul. Rabbi had to step in 'You guys are fools... Then do the Karbanot at home.' Communally attacking the guy for doing what he was told. He was told to lead. He was told to not drag it out. Then Barry goes off on him. Barry always finds a reason to complain. 'Pinchas would've Davened fast.' Just another one of the beautiful messages from our rabbi. Pinchas cared about the Jewish people. He would've never led Tefillah like Shmuli. The rabbi is very correct about the slow tunes. It's a plague. Somebody should stab any Baal Tefillah who slows down Davening. They would be a loved one of H'. They all love to complain. But no effort. All lazy. They want the Kavod but they don't want to help. Kiddish falls on the rabbi. A bunch of Korachs in the shul. They swallow up the Kiddish. The rabbi initiated the shul workout to get some help with setting up the tables. He thinks that if they have more energy they'll help. He didn't take into account Bernie, Max, Sadie, Raschel, and the rest of the congregants. Hopefully they'll at least get in shape to move faster for their Aliyahs. The shul workout consists of pacing in the back to bother people trying to concentrate, which many members already do, and Hagba lifts. The rabbi is working on a HIIT daily workout for the congregants he is calling the Kaddish. This is where they have to stand each time Kaddish is said, and then they have to sit back down when it's finished. Our congregation has no idea what to worry about. Tzelafchad's daughters is still a big topic. Can't find their kids in the shul basement and they're worried about Tzelafchad's girls getting land in Israel. We have a leak in the shul. People have no idea when the 17th of Tamuz is. But they're worried about Tzelafchad's daughters. 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Let's take a stroll down memory lane to the Israeli falafel joint and the traditional Jewish American butcher, Israeli games that educate Jewish children about how to gamble, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing his potential Shidduchs with us.
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I've noticed these new food pantries on lawns. Boxes on poles, for people who need food. I have thoughts.
The food pantries are a great idea. Tzedaka is beautiful. Town food pantries have worked for years, but they were never on the lawn. On the front lawn is a perfect spot for people to pick up food on their way back from the grocery store. You forget some stuff and you check to see if your neighbor picked up an extra orange juice by accident. Beautiful. Now, we deal with the issues, so we can better these pantries. Let me express this in rant form, so the truly feel my frustration and longing to help the poor. What We Give Them is Wrong It was a can of peas and carrots. Who likes peas and carrots? That's a good question my Talmid. Nobody. Nobody likes peas and carrots. No hearts of palm. No pineapples. Poor people like cut-up pineapples. Everybody loves the juice. Nobody is drinking carrot and pea juice. One pantry I passed had salt. Nothing but salt and paprika. Just spices and condiments. Not even a Proto streak. No rice. No microwave to heat up the peas and carrots. Just salt and paprika. It was a Chutzpa. It was the winter and the sidewalk in front of their house was slippery. They were hoping the poor people would salt it. That's why they had Kosher salt in the pantry, with the extra-large granules. I Didn't Know What It Was I thought I was going to get a book. I saw the food pantry case on the lawn. I thought I was going to find Dr. Seuss. I wanted Green Eggs and Ham. Kosher ham. Instead, I end up reading ingredients of Green Peas and Carrots. Give Real Food I thought they would have a roast. I thought, at least microwave on the lawn for the hungry to cook a hot meal. I thought there might be a checkered cloth. You open the pantry and your family can have a picnic on a neighbor's lawn. Nope. No Protos. Spam? No. Just a can to feed the children. It's a Setup And it's not fair to these poor people. You put it on your front lawn. They think they're supposed to take some food, and the next thing they know, they're arraigned for trespassing. Disgusting. Not a Mitzvah. First you bait them and then you pop out of your home with a shotgun, yelling at the poor family, 'Put down the peas and carrots. That's our lawn. Get away from our storage pantry. We didn't have room in the kitchen to store the salt.' And they didn't even have a can opener to fight back. It's all wrong. This isn't Charity If they don't get shot, the poor people are stuck bringing a can home for dinner, spending the rest of the day separating out peas. It's a task. No book to read. Just carrots and peas. And salt, to parch their throats. Malnourished with parched throats. Stuck with paprika and nothing to spice. Sorry. I get very mad about paprika. And no can opener?! Put a can opener in there. Homeless People Need Meals Not a Can One person told me it's for snacks. Snacks? Are homeless people running around with a shopping cart full of bedding, coats and can openers, so they can get a little pick me up before dinner? And why is there no table?! Is the plan for homeless people to take the can home? Ways to Practice Charity If we're truly trying to feed the poor, we should have fridges and ovens on the front lawns. Front lawn kitchens. If I saw a fridge, at least I wouldn't expect to see Dr. Seuss. I would be a happier man. And I wouldn't be let down with poorly written paragraphs about sodium percentage dietary guidelines for daily intake. The greatest way to help somebody according to our rabbis is teach them how to fish. Not to give them the fish. Which is why many people don't give Tzedaka but Mussar. They rebuke them and tell them to get a job, and you feel like you've done the Mitzvah of giving charity. You tell them to get a job, and then you give them a fishing rod, so they have something to do during their leisure time. Self-sufficiency is the greatest form of Tzedaka. If we really wanted to help, we would have front lawn cooking lessons. We would have can opening seminars. If we truly wanted to help poor people, we'd teach them to build a food pantry. This way, they could have the food pantry where they live, and they wouldn't get shot for taking a can of peas and carrots. All of those truly feeding those who are in need have my greatest respect. Keep it up. Even if it's a can. Next time, we shall delve into the issue of soup kitchens, and how poor people are starving because we're feeding them soup. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
No bothering mechanics at Minyin. They come to Daven. You also can't bother veterinarians, even though they are a type of a doctor. Rule: No bothering professionals. We need a Minyin. These Members do not have to bow Modim: Phil, Bert, Sim, every Max in the Shul, all Marvins, Bernie, Ruchela who nobody sits next to, Bill, Sid, Brad, Baruch, Shlomo, Pinny. Every time you bend you rip one. The shul has received New Seforim. We don't expect anybody to use them. It just looks decent to have some Seforim in a shul. We will have the Seforim display in the Beit Midrash which has not been used for the past ten years. Kids are in camp. We want to note how happy the parents are. We have not seen smiles like this in the congregation since last summer. Due to the happiness of not seeing your children, the shul is starting a boarding school. 'What's great about this?' You ask. You don't have to see your kids. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 19:20) 'A person who becomes Tamei (contaminated) and doesn't purify himself, that person shall be cut off from the the midst of the congregation.' Why we allow for this Minyin in our shul to take place is beyond me... It's a job... You can be impure. Most of our congregants are... You have to go through the process of purification to be let back into the people. When you have a kitchen like Mrs. Fineglass, you can't eat in the thing... It's disgusting. It needs gentrification... Mikvah. You got to a Mikvah. We need to let go of some of the members Who should be cut off from our shul? The Feinwitz family for just being Tamei. Always filthy. You thought the kids came in last week with a tan. They haven't showered in... These kids in camp, disgusting. They come home, you have to spray them with something. If there isn't a purification process after collecting two hundred salamanders... Bert. You have to be cut off Bert... People can't Daven. Every time you bend you let one go. It's disgusting. And then you lick your fingers. Chaching all over the pages. You've contaminated every Siddur in this shul. Turning the pages... Phil, Bernie, all Maxes... No bending. No bowing... Even for Aleinu. Your bowing is forbidden. Asur. It should be Asur to pass your area with the Torah. The way it smells from your bending and sitting. Finelwitzs don't learn Torah. No Seforim in their home. Tamei (impure)... Contaminated. We are a holy nation and you constantly screw up. This congregation... And then you complain. Again, they complain about not having food. 'Let us die.' After spending time in the Fineglass kitchen, you complain. I get it. They can't cook. Complaining about the kids is fine... Yes. Very annoying. It is such a Simcha to not see them... I love camp too... The boarding school idea is for the kids. To get them away from us. It's a start. A start on the path of Tahor... At least we don't have to see these salamander dirt tans. Sometimes you get me so mad, I want to hit a rock... Maybe not a rock. Maybe just one of the congregants. The complaints... Everything you do is wrong. I can't even look up while I Daven. I see the congregation, I want to hit something... That's why I bang the table real hard for YaAleh vYavo. I'm getting out my anger for having to see Bernie... Yeah. It's bothersome when somebody comes to shul to pray and you ask for Tzedaka. Every member in this shul is a charity... Yes. Asking a mechanic to fix your car and to pick up the lid to look at it, at shul, is Tzedaka... He took the mechanic to the car in the shul's parking lot... He opened the hood. He brought motor oil to shul... Now, they're using guys in shul as their car experts. I thought people just used doctors in shul. Now they're bothering mechanics. Soon, nobody will want to come to shul. Next thing they're going to start bothering arborists... You can't bother arborists either. You also can't bother nursery school teachers. On the weekends, you clean your own kids. You have contaminated the congregation. It's the complaints. Nothing holy... Holy is not the back left section of the shul. Even Bilam understood that you listen to Gd. As H' said to Bilam after Bilam was coerced to go with Balak's people to curse the Jews (22:20) '...only the thing I shall speak to you, that shall you do.' The way you got me to come here to be your rabbi... Coercion... The salary is coercion. It was a good salary... How do you purify? You listen to H'. Is it that hard??!!! Every Shabbis I have to give the same message to... Yes. You're impure. This is an impure congregation. Seforim are good in a house. That's what H' wants. Did you listen to Him?! Open up a Sefer... Are you Jewish?! Was that Bilam's curse? That we would have homes like the Finkelwitzs? With no Seforim. Bert bending is a curse... That the congregation should not smell disgusting. That's what H' wants... Then do half a bend for Aleinu. Kids who go to camp should shower. Listen to H'... At least it's what the congregation wants. The kids are disgusting. I really want to hit something right now... Rivka's Rundwon I am happy the rabbi didn't get violent and take it out on the granet. Some people were shocked that the rabbi considered his work as a rabbi a job. They thought he likes fielding questions about what to do with kids for the summer and where to vacation. In his weekly class on things that bother him about the shul, the rabbi made it clear that he doesn't want to hear about galamping anymore. Once the rabbi said you can't bother professionals in shul, only five people showed up the next day. Three doctors, a gardener who likes to get paid for her work and the mechanic. You can't be a professional in the shul. They even asked the grocer for fruit. It's his job. They come to shul to score free mangos. I understood when people showed up to save money on doctors visits. But this has gone too far. And then the grocer disected the mango. The guy thought he was a doctor. I walk into these homes, don't even know if they're Jewish. They told me they have their Seforim on a computer. The computer didn't look like it was handed down from Moshe at Sinai. It looked like a computer with files. If there was a Torah computer I would understand. If the computer was maroon or navy, or brown, with gold trimming, I would think it was Jewish computer. It would feel like a Jewish home. The rabbi truly didn't go into the purification process. He just went off on the people and let them know H' doesn't love them. I believe the rabbi just doesn't like the Feinwitz family. Mrs. Fineglass is gentirfying her kitchen. That's how disheveled it is. I've realized there are a lot of Fines in our shul. Diffirent ittirations of Fine. I wonder if the different ittirations are relate. This week, the rabbi build a Mikvah in the shul. On the Mikvah, he put a sign, 'Members of Beis Haknessess Beis Emes USefillah please shower and don't be disgusting. You are not pure.' The rabbi forbade bowing. I love my rabbi. Each one of these members farts every time. Even the thrity year old men fart. Sorry, I don't know how else to describe a fart. I am happy I'm in the ladies section. That smell has to be an impurity. And the turning pages phlegm is disgusting. That with the Aleinu spits. I don't know how that's holy. The rabbi and announcements forgot July 4th. People blamed themselves not leaving town for the weekend on the rabbi. A lot of anger. Uproar took place around town. 'How dare you not mention July 4th in the sermon?!!!' Some people decided to burn a picture of the rabbi in protest. The rabbi had a July 4th community BBQ at his house, that was planned months ago. That still didn't make up for not focusing on July 4th in the sermon. To quote, 'It's America, you talk about July 4th on the first of July.' 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This is the what I remember from last week...
OK. Next week we will discuss Gittin Daf 47-53 The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The middle of the circle is where people get hurt. Do not go in until you've mastered the outer circle and the Hand on Shoulder Forward Back Step. More accidents happen the closer you get to the middle. They start breakdancing to Hora moves, arms start flailing, one guy does a wave and somebody gets hurt. Jews move around and body control is lost.
Go to a Hassidic dance with a Rebbe, if you're not ready and don't have training in Hassidic enjoyment, you will get hurt. You have to fight your way into that middle circle, where you get met by four hundred pound bodyguards throwing you out. Choolante strength is a thing. They guard the Rebbe from the heretics who diet on Shabbis. People go wild in the middle, so be safe. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. If you make it to the middle, here are some important dance moves you must know. The Arm Raise Part of the traditional Hora dance circle, this is where you lift your arms. Forearms must be facing in, supinated. Forearms facing out is not what Jews do. This isn't a Jewish revival convention. Jews always dance in supinated form. Even when dancing, your expression should be one of complaint and questioning. We don't go into the middle of the circle to give high fives. This is not a free-for-all. This is connection back to the early 1700s in the Ukraine. Also known as the Two Hand Lift, this is a favorite amongst Hassidic dancers. The only exception is if you're from Yemen. Then you can pronate. Arm Raise Hand Open Close This can be done by one guy. This just looks cool. This is where you take that hand facing in, squeeze and unclench. If you look up, it looks like you're complaining to Gd. You will want to work on the complaint genre of dance. The Chest Bounce Somebody had a friend who likes heavy metal and now very small people get injured. Huddle Jump Done by people who never played organized football, you put your arms on the shoulders of the people near you and then jump around in a circle. Just jump. That's the dance. You can do this with as many partners as you want. One partner may be too intimate for the newcomer to the middle circle. This is as close to athletics any devout Jew should get. The Solo Jump Around Similar to the Huddle Jump, this is where you let go of the other people and jump by yourself. It's not a very warm dance and makes you feel alone, without community. Unlike the Huddle Jump, where you have the support of your fellow. This dance goes very well in combination with the Israeli Side to Side Jump. Another variation of the Solo Jump, the Israeli Side to Side keeps you in one spot; no aroundness in the Israeli Jump. By combining them, you can go side to side and around in solo form. This dance is almost as uncomfortable as being forced to dance in front of the bride and groom. Waving your arms in this makes you look like you know what you're doing. It also opens up your dancing radius, by forcing away other people who don't want to get hit. Arm Interlocked Twirl Around Similar to the British folk country dance, this is very fun until somebody else steals the person you were twirling around with. Now you're alone. They interlock arms and take your place, sneaking in from the other side. Kind of like musical chairs, I am found wandering around in a circle by myself, with nowhere to go. And many times, I am even asked to leave the circle. The Hand-in-Hand Spin Interlock arms with somebody else and go in a circle for as long as you can, until you let go and the other person flies or falls, or until one of you pukes. The Airplane Dangerous. Some call this the helicopter because that is also dangerous. And some call it the propeller, because that is the most dangerous part of the helicopter. Either way, you want feet flying towards the outside of the circle. The objective of this dance is to injure other people. Make sure to initiate this dance when the middle circle is crowded. The Face to Face Hands on Shoulders This is for two people who can't move. You brace yourself on the other person and try not to fall. The One Hand Hold Side to Side Kick A classic. With the longest name of any dance, this dance's name describes what it is. You kick from side to side, one leg at a time, alternating. To funk it up a little, switch the hands too. This is almost as complicated as rubbing your tummy, while tapping your head. Again, stretch before this one. And watch out when getting close to it. If you're a spectator, the lack of kick control and athletic ability of the kickers makes this dance almost as dangerous as the helicopter. The Rebbe Approach This is more of a still motion where other people force you in different directions. Known to be dangerous in America on Black Friday, the mob does the dance for you. That is how you become a Chasid. Chasidim beat you on your way into the middle circle. It's part of the initiation process. That is their hazing process for joining their sect. The NaNachs make you jump while saying ‘NaNachNachimNachmanMUman’ 20 times, real fast. The other sects hurt you real bad. Final Note of Safety Do not join any middle circle dance if you have any sort of back problem or arthritis. No older Jewish man should be dancing in the middle. The outside of the circle is for you. The Stand and Clap is the dance you should be doing. Always be careful. When Jewish people ‘get down’ it gets dangerous. Watch out for flailing arms. That is the move, arms go up in the air and somebody gets hurt. I also suggest you start on strict weight training and powerlifting program before approaching any rebbe. Next time we will talk about the middle circle dancing in front of the bride and groom, where you embarrass yourself in the Jewish cypher. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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His mom got him ribbons for Lag BOmer. He said he wanted to make bows. (Rabbi Mendel)
You get it? It's supposed to be bows and arrows. Not ribbons. Ribbon bows don't work as good weapons and they don't shoot far. She misunderstood. He prayed behind a Chasid in Jerusalem. He was told to go pray a at the coattail. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Kotel. Coattail. He was in Jerusalem. It's Yom Yerushalayim. The Kotel is in Jerusalem. Chasidim wear long coats. Kotel. Coattail. They sound the same if you say ‘coattail’ very fast. Why did the holiday last fourteen days? They were celebrating Shavuot. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Shavuot means weeks. Seven days would be 'Shavua'. Celebrating Shavuot. That's at least two weeks. 21 days would just be crazy. Puns should be realistic. A Jew can eat bacon, but only a bit. (Mordechai) You get it? Bacon bits are kosher. Bacon is not kosher. If you eat the bits it's OK. You still can't eat pig. Not even a bit. We don't want to mis-educate our students. The little girl was eating potato kugel with a plate on her lap. It was a Kiddish. (Mordechai) You get it? Kiddish. Kid and dish together makes Kiddish. The dish was on a kid. Next time we will talk about chicken fingers. That's also a kid dish. Kiddish. You get it. So many great ways to prepare a kid dish. One is with Kichel. I had that feeling to learn Gemara. Maybe some Daf Yomi. I was in a Talmud. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Mood. Talmud. Dads learn Gemara. I don't know what Tal means. Maybe dew. Learning about damp ground. The Hillel sandwich was bitter at the Seder. We were eating it for Korach. (Rabbi Mendel) You get it? Korech is when we have the Hillel sandwich on Pesach. Korach was the one who rebelled against Moshe. Korach was bitter. Korach. Korech. You get it. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Korach6/25/2023
Announcements
Baruch must stop using a toothpick and smiling at Kiddish. He has scared away many prospective members. We understand he has nice teeth. But it's uncomfortable seeing them with herring, and then seeing leftover schmaltz on the toothpick. The guy who skipped vHu Rachum got looks. Rightfully. It's the beginning of Maariv. You start things correctly. We want to commend our members for making the Chazin feel uncomfortable. We understand they gave him a nasty look of disappointment. And even g0ave some sighs and grunts. Finally, we have congregants who care and people who are scared to lead Davening. No more spitting in shul. Don't know who started it. We understand you hate idol worship. Why on the carpet though?! The shul now smells like tobacco. Kaddish fights are still happening. One guy is going way to fast. Another way too slow. We ask all members to not follow Paul. He is too slow. The shul is now providing a metronome in the back left, so that everybody can hear how off beat Paul is. Kiddish is sponsored by the Friedmans, the Schwartzs, the Cohens, the Feldblums, the Mitzkins, the Frankels, the Bergmans, the Fishers, the Minkowitzs, the Feldblums. There are more. And it was also sponsored by all families who have a kid graduating. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 16:15) 'Moshe got very mad'... He was dealing with Datan and Aviram. He wasn't even dealing with a board... Yes. I get mad. Did you ever deal with Steve?! Why did Moshe get mad? Ungratefulness. Blame. They're all rebelling. Kind of like the time Mark skipped vHu Rachum... It makes no difference if it was by accident. It's the beginning of Maariv and you already messed up. Before you started, you messed up... No. Nobody will forget... 'I didn't even take a donkey of theirs, nor have I wronged even one of them.' What did I take from this congregation? Tell me. Other than a few pens... Then why do I have to see Bernie every Shabbis?! What did I do to you people... Yet, they blame Moshe. They tell him that he wants the leadership. He stole leadership from them... Let me tell you. Nobody wants to deal with Steve. The shul president. Now that is stealing leadership... At least it's a leader nobody wants. Rashi explains this to mean that he didn't take anything for himself. I understand, as I have received nothing from this congregation. Not even a call on my birthday. Not even a decent Chazin. Not a Sefer... You don't steal a donkey. It's rude. I have taken nothing. From Kiddish. Not even a blueberry Danish. But you protest. And for what? What has been taken from you? It starts with complaining. For some reason, you can't blame Steve. They blamed Moshe for trying to dominate them. 'The desert isn't flowing with milk and honey.' What are you going to do with milk and honey if you have no cereal?! Now I get blamed for bringing new Sefarim into the shul. Yes. I get very mad too. There is a time to get very mad. Like when you expect blueberry Danish and you get Kichel... It's not when your child graduates and doesn't get valedictorian... She graduated kindergarten. The fact that you got up there, smacked the teacher and said 'leave my child's name out your mouth'... Yes. It was wrong. You don't get mad when your kindergartner gets a diploma, and doesn't give a speech for it... She sang a song. That's what they do to show appreciation. They don't give speeches in kindergarten. They sing... If the shul sung to me and showed some appreciation... You get mad when the whole shul sponsors Kiddish along with you... You spit. It looks like you're protesting the shul... I understand it's Aleinu. It looks like you're a Korach. It looks like a rebellion... It was a loogie. You hocked a loogie. Why are you spitting in shul if it's against idol worship?! Spit on an idol. Not on the new carpet. No respect. No appreciation. That's what is really happening in the desert. They chose to go the route of not showing Hakarat HaTov... Recognizing of the good, Bernie. You recognize when your rabbi doesn't steal your blueberry Danish. And who brought the baseball team. They sat and spat. They didn't even stand for Aleinu... it was like the time you brought in the choir... They didn't help with Adon Olam and Hativkva. They sung 'Bridge Over Troubled Waters'... That's not part of Nusach Ashkenaz. I take nothing, but I deal with you. People who skip vHu Rachum... It's the first part of Mariv and you already get it wrong. How can you miss the first words? Did you get up there and read the fifth sentence first? Yes. That's exactly what happened... Ungrateful. Like you have no sins to repent for. You know who's stealing from you?! The board. You each sponsored kiddish for your child's graduation and you each paid full price. It's like when Zakah changed the donor signs on the mopeds. Stealing. Taking you to a desert of no blueberry Danish, where people skip vHu Rachum, and you have to pay for it. A desert where people spit on the carpet. They have the right to get mad Steve. Nobody got a discount. They paid for thirty Kiddishes and Kichel. They have Kichel. Twelve thousand dollars Kichel... And now, I ask- Do we not have the right to be mad?! I feel like spitting on the front left section... Rivka's Rundwon The rabbi saying he took nothing. He's vying for another raise. I know it. 'What are you going to do with milk and honey if you have no cereal?!' Brilliant point from our rabbi. That truly touched my heart. Then, when he brought up pancakes as well. He was right. The desert didn't have pancakes either. And Kiddish was the same size. I am never sponsoring that thing. A scam. Thirty families, and each gave two hundred dollars and Kichel. No Napoleons. Rip off. And nobody is rebelling against the board. Just against the rabbi's new parking spot. Why should the disabled spot be closer to the entrance than the rabbi's? A lot of sports dads in our shul. Dads yelling at refs. I went to PeeWee baseball, and I couldn't let on I was Jewish. You have Moishy screaming at the umpire, 'Nu. What kind of call was that. Am HaAretz.' Sports dads and graduation moms. Moms were yelling at the principal of the day school when they gave at the awards. 'What kind of call is that? Our child definitely deserves the math award! They were the best at counting Popsicle sticks.' One parent protested, 'I donated the Popsicle sticks.' That was disgusting. The sticks had the ices residue on them. The Bergstein family licked each one of those, and our children counted with them. He spat a lot. We were hearing Chaching the whole of the sermon. And it lingers. It's a new carpet and he's spitting in honor of Gd. There must be tobacco in his spit. It's disgusting and it doesn't dissolve. The tobacco phlegm just stays, hovering over the carpet. The Halacha of spitting has gone too far. They spat on Nitzkin. Nitz is a good guy. They said he worships idols and spat on hum. They just don't like him. New rule in shul: If you spit. You have to clean it up. The dog owners in the shul have protested the rule. It appears to be that they're the ones who leave their dogs 'stuff' on my lawn. Skiping vHu Rachum was the greatest thing that every happened in this community. Took of eighteen seconds from Maariv. Paul has caused so much hatred with his Kaddish. Nobody complains when stuff is too fast. Our rabbi now speeds through Shema. After months of the rabbi slowing it down, as he needed to gain respect- and you gain respect as a rabbi with a really long Shema, he is now at LMan Tizkru by the time people are starting 'vHaya.' Everybody loves the rabbi now. Nobody learns in our shul. At least the Sefarim are in good condition. I am happy they made that no smiling announcement about Baruch. It is scary. At least the board discussed something of relevance this week. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Here is a List of Jewish Foods & Other Stuff That Deli Made Amazing-Inspired by Lenny Bruce’s Jewish-Goyish
This will help you understand a bit of what makes delis our tradition. Pizza is Jewish. Food that New Yorkers liked in the 1980s is Jewish. Food that New Yorkers only knew about in the 1990s is not Jewish. Burritos are not Jewish. Sushi is Goyish, even if they serve it as Simchas. Pigs in a blanket are Jewish. Pickles are Jewish. Jalapenos are Goyish. They burn your mouth. Sephardic food is Goyish, even if Jews have been eating it for 4,000 years. Olives are almost Jewish. Whitefish is Jewish. Herring is Jewish. Sauerkraut is Jewish. Food you can spell is Goyish. American food is Goyish. European food is Jewish. Coleslaw is Jewish. Cabbage is Goyish. Cabbage wrapped around ground beef and rice is Jewish. Stuffed derma is Jewish. If you knew what it was, you wouldn't eat it. It's Jewish. Derma is disgusting. Goyish. Stuffed Derma is for Jews. Salad is Goyish. Salatim are almost Jewish. Jewish eat them. Knishes are Jewish. Perogies are mostly Jewish. They are also not healthy. Barakas are Middle Eastern. I am not sure if it is Jewish yet. Food made with potato is Jewish. Food made with cantaloupe is Goyish. Melon is Goyish. Cranberries are Goyish. Cranberry in jelly form is Jewish. You can make cranberry sauce from that. All deli is Jewish. Deli wrap is heresy. Football is Goyish. Golf is Goyish. Owning a football team is Jewish. Baseball is Jewish when Hank Greenberg is playing. Basketball is Jewish in Israel. Deli sandwich is Jewish. Rye bread is Jewish. Club is Jewish. Baguette is Jewish because it holds deli well. Pumpernickel is Goyish. Turkey is Goyish. Turkey-pastrami is Jewish. Israel is Jewish. Florida is Jewish. Los Angeles is Goyish. Hollywood is Goyish, if you're a heretic. New York is very Jewish. Cel-Ray is Jewish. Black Cherry Soda is Jewish. Cherry Soda is Goyish. Any soda that was made by a doctor is Jewish. Deli is Jewish. Shul is Jewish. Synagogue is mostly Jewish. Picture from the 1920s is Jewish. Picture from the 1950s is Jewish. Picture from the 1990s is Goyish. Steakhouse is Goyish. Smokehouse is not Jewish. Deli is Jewish. Anything deli is Jewish. Choolante is Jewish. Potato kugel is Jewish. Anything with a lot of oil is Jewish. Sponge cake is Jewish. Anything that needs schnapps to taste decent is Jewish. Herring is very Jewish. Sardines are acceptably Jewish. I just found out about the Middle Eastern diet. People are losing weight with it. Falafel and Barakas are Goyish. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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An ode is meant to be sung, and I sing for the kosher deli. I sing. And I continue to sing. Let me sing more for you about what makes the deli great.
Menus A whole menu that is not FDA approved. That is Jewish and I love it. Wait Staff The only place in America where nepotism still lives. That is how strong tradition is in the deli. I asked, 'Can I speak to the owner?' They said, 'My dad will be right out.' I heard them go to the back and yell, 'A customer wants to complain,' Warning their dad that there was a Jewish customer in the kosher deli. Kibud Av vEim. Working and honoring your parents at the same time. Love it. Batampte and Mother’s Are Old The branding looks old. Pictures of Jewish mothers from the 1930s, in apron, and Biblical writing in English on the package. It reminds you where Jewish life started. The Lower East Side. With Yankel and Moishele. Like the Torah, the deli doesn’t change with time. Abraham was probably eating a corned beef sandwich on rye. There is no picture to prove that. However, there is proof that he did like tongue. And his descendants wore derby hats in the early 1900s. Mother’s on packages. A brand named after my mom. Thank you for giving her that respect. My Mother My mother makes that same food. Hence, the brand named after her. This guy gives it to me and doesn’t tell me how heavy I am getting. I am willing to pay extra for that. Old is Beautiful It looks old. That is tradition. In a world of plastic surgery and everybody searching for the fountain of youth, the deli is the only place you can go where looking old is praised. You walk into a deli for a meal, you've aged two years. Old is beautiful and the deli represents that. Delis age you. Eat lunch in a deli for ten years, you'll be thirty years older. I know the math doesn't work. I believe it's the strength of the stench that hits you the first day. It has a greater effect on your old Jewish person smell. More Love for Deli There is so much more about the deli. By that, I mean food. The next time I will bring you all the deli foods we love. All the different forms of brisket, pastrami and soda made out of vegetables. The deli is our tradition. It is the connection with the past. Our connection to Abraham. The tradition passed on from generation to generation of saturated fats. The tradition of eating in a living room that has not been cleaned. For this, the deli that we love, the place that says old is beautiful and pastrami smells good, I will fight to keep it alive. This is why we need more kosher delis. I hope I did my part on behalf of the Jewish community. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
The shul has a full-time security guard at the front door. We want to thank Mike. He's been successful at keeping Jews out. Security is a necessity. Our members should feel safe. Security is here for a reason. After many attacks and board meetings, we've decided to keep the shul in the dangerous neighborhood. If anybody is wondering why Baruch is smiling so much, the dentist told him he has good teeth. We believe he has shared that news with you all already. He will repeat it again. And he will keep on smiling until somebody tells him his teeth are bad. To be honest, they are good teeth. They're bright and they shine. We are going to teach the kids how to do Anim Zemirot. It's been taking way too long. For the first lesson, we are going to focus on the dads. It has come to our attention that they're telling their kids to annunciate. Before any other lesson, we're going to teach the kids to keep their dads away from the Bima. The class starts this coming Wednesday, and dads are not allowed to attend. The Father's Day BBQ will be hosted by the men's club. We're going to get the men out of the house so families can enjoy Father's Day without seeing the dads. Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... 'Send people for you...' If we sent out the left front of the shul, that would be a great gift for me. Just to get rid of those members... The spies told them, (Bamidbar 13:29) 'The Amalekites dwell in the south land, while the Hittites, the Jebusites, and the Amorites dwell in the mountainous region.' So you move to the north... Yes. The south side is messed up. Housing prices are down. Is it that hard to not go to The Mountains for the summer?! Are Jews that needy of mountains??? They can't even hike to shul without complaining... It's not even Father's Day and you want to go golfing... You went golfing last Father's Day. Was that meaningful?! I'm trying to bring meaning to Father's Day and you're worried about golfing and Hittites... The Hittites at least mowed their lawns. As Father's Day is here, help your dads on their renovations. Your homes look bad. I wouldn't want to move to the Jewish neighborhood in Topeka. If spies came and told me about the Bergowitz front lawn, I wouldn't move there. With all the stuff on your lawn... It's renovation season. It's fix up season... I know Jews go to The Mountains for the summer. This isn't a bungalow. Clean up your front lawn... You have flipped over tricycles... Your kids are in college... The members in the front left are spies. Why would you not go to Israel?! They don't have long Anim Zemirots, or dads standing next to the kids forcing them to make Anim Zemirot long and painful. The land of Israel is flowing with kids that know Hebrew and don't annunciate every word. That's a reason to move... (Bamidbar 13:27) 'We came to the land you sent us, and it is flowing with milk and honey, and this is its fruit.' They showed them decent fruit... Scared of fruit?! The grapes are too big?! Everybody loves big grapes. The crunchy kind. Love it... A land flowing with honey and milk, and huge hotel breakfasts. The spies said decent stuff. Always glass is half empty. Look at the positive... I know it's hard to look at the positive when you have to look at the front left... If you heard Bryan was running the BBQ, you would all complain. 'We can't go. Bryan doesn't know how to man the grill.' And you would be right. And I see this congregation and I mourn. I mourn sadness. The desire to be golfing. I mourn having to see the membership. I also mourn a messed up BBQ with Bryan... The Jebusites knew how to man a grill. Yehoshua and Calev ripped their clothes and said, (Bamidbar 14:7) 'The land we passed through to scout is an exceedingly good land.' You see the good and you fight for it. And you ruin a decent shirt. You think it was easy to find a shirt back then. We have to stop being scared and see the good. Yehoshua and Calev were trying to tell the board to hire security... Yes. They had security guards back then. The shul has a security guard. It's dangerous, but we still come to shul. Because it's good... Without Bernie, it's good... The security guard is a big guy. Probably a Hittite... Security is one prayer H' doesn't answer. We don't depend on Him for that. The dues provide the security... You rip your clothes when you're mourning. That's why most of my shirts are ripped. I have to deal with you as congregants... But you see the good, and Baruch has really clean teeth. Baruch has been smiling all morning. And it would appear he just went to the dentist... It's good to see you Baruch. You don't have to smile with all of your teeth. You're not Steve Harvey.... You see the good, and you don't look at the front left of the shul... There is hope, if the kids learn an Anim Zemirot tune that doesn't take ten minutes, or Tzvi pronouncing every word... The kid doesn't need you. I understand it's Father's Day. This Father's Day, you should know your child doesn't need you... As Calev said, 'We can take possession.' Take possession of your teeth. This Father's Day... You don't need to take possession of The Mountains. You can go to a bungalow... You don't have to live in The Mountains. You can visit. When you have possession, you have to take care of it. You mow the lawn. You don't ruin the neighborhood like the Bergowitzs, who think the Fayetteville neighborhood of Topeka is a bungalow... Just flip the bikes upright. It's Father's Day. Help around the house a bit, and retake possession of Anim Zemirot... Rivka's Rundwon The rabbi honored all the fathers by letting them know they don't come to shul enough. Bryan truly can't man a grill. Watching him flip a burger is like watching a child trying to put together MagnaTiles that form into a shape that makes sense. He childs the grill. He doesn't mjan it. It's like he's playing with the fire. His burger flipping is pathetic. Burgers come out in eight pieces. To put them on the bun, I have to puzzle it. I don't think he's ever had a full burger scoop. The rabbi also reminded the men that they have unkempt houses. A lot of our membership doesn't show up on Shabbat. Either security is keeping Jews out, or Jews don't like to pray. It might be golf. I don't know what the heretics do. I pray at my shul becaues the heretics at the other shul show up on Shabbis. There has been violence in our shul. Sadie attacked Steve at the board meeting. I believe most of the congregation was happy to hear that Steve got hurt. Why our shul is on the southside when it's the most dangerous neighborhood. I believe it keeps you praying with the true believers in Gd. Our community seriously needs to do some home fixups. The Bergowitz front lawn is messed up. They've got slides, chairs, clothes. A shirt ended up on a chair. Must've been put out to dry before the winter. Broken lawn chairs. Like they left them on the curb and took them back to the house. Lego. Lego on the front lawn. It's their living room. The tricycles have been there for fifteen years. Very connected to their youth. Monopoly is laying out on the lawn. The Bergowitzs are very Frum. Very religious. Their living room is their dining room. That's how you know they're Frum. Baruch is really proud of his teeth. The hygienist should've never complimented him. All of Kiddish he was smiling and talking of his teeth. He even had one of those flossing toothpicks. He was constantly picking at his teeth to draw attention to them. He then started picking and sucking in, trying to get the potato kugel strands out. He took to educating people how to keep their teeth nice. He even started running his tongue over his top teeth, inside his mouth, and then sucking that too. It was disgusting. Very loud and disgusting. People were examining his teeth. Samantha noted the straightness is extraordinary. The long Anim Zemirot is because of that Anim Zemirot dad up there. He's making sure his kids annunciate, and I want to hurt him. The dad is the problem. I believe the congregants all know that now. I was happy to see the security guard escort the dad out, when he told his children they have to slow down. Anybody that tells any Chazin to slow down should be kicked out of shul. These Anim Zemirot dads have to stop. Dads not being allowed to attend the class was a start. The children learned to say 'no' to their dads when their dads tell them to annunciate, which was their first lesson in honoring the congregation. The rabbi always talks about the spies and people being scared of big grapes. I love them. Big grapes without pits are amazing. I love food in bulk. I always shop at Cotsco or BJ's, even if they're more expensive. I like my chips in big. If the spies would've brought back a huge bag of Ruffles, I would've run to Israel. Much of the congregation was inspired to rent bungalows in The Mountains for the summer. They understand that you don't have to mow or clean the front lawn of a bungalow. And they like that. The rabbi announced that he is going to not go away this summer, due to the lack of congregants and his happiness that they won't be around. The rabbi said he will be able to enjoy himself summering in Topeka. He also said he is finally not scared to come to shul, in fear of members. The rabbi considers the front left spies. He saw them talking to the board. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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A Good Jewish Dad6/17/2023
What makes a good Jewish Dad. That is what we will discuss this Father's Day. We are not focusing on what you will get from your kids. They will give you nothing. And as a dad, they don't even clean the dishes for you. That's reserved for Mother's Day. Moms get clean dishes.
Here are some things a good Frum Jewish dad does. Taking the Kids Out to Eat That's what they care about. Food. Food and amusement parks. They don't need you. They need pizza and Italian ices. And they need the flume log ride. And they need you waiting with the towel. That's essential to Jewish childhood rearing. Watching your kids enjoy themselves and guarding their towel. And to tell them things are too high, and to watch out when walking because you can hurt yourself. Sending The Kids to Jewish Day School Going broke on your children is paramount to Jewish dadship. You don't send your kids to public school. You send them to a school where they can learn Torah, because it costs a lot. This is why you send the kids to camp and go on winter vacation to Florida with the whole family. If your child costs less than 50K a year, you're raising a heretic who doesn't love Yiddishkeit. A Good Look of Guilt You want to be able to make your kids feel like they're sinning at all times. Anything they do, they should feel like they did it wrong. That is how you make good Jews. Every time you look at them, shake your head in disappointment. That'll keep them in the fold and not enjoying themselves. That will also keep them just nervous enough to look Jewish. No Jewish child should ever feel like they prepared for a Chag correctly. Even after you sent them to Jewish day school, they should always be questioning the amount of Charoset they prepared. They should never feel like they used enough walnuts. That's how Jewish kids, raised correctly, enjoy Pesach. Don't Hit Your Kids That's it. That's all you really have to do to be a good dad. Unconditional Love Make sure the kids know you love them, but not as much as you love Gd. Let them know the importance of Yiddishkeit. 'It's bedtime, but I have to be at Maariv. You're on your own.' Teach the Kids to Swim It's Halacha to teach your children to swim, because we know they will not turn out to be decent athletes. This way, at least they can get some exercise with the retirees at the JCC. There is no Jewish law to teach kids how to play basketball. You don't teach them other sports unless if it's floor hockey. You let them play in what is known as Yeshiva Leagues, so that they feel they have a chance to become a professional floor hockey player. Take them to The Mountains It's just what Jews do. You take your kids to a hot place with no air-conditioning, so that they will learn to appreciate the house when you get back to New York. If you don't have a bungalow, you're not raising Jews. Don't educate your kids on Kibud Av vEim. They'll hate you. If you want your kids to love you and to be good Jews, don't teach them Torah. Show them where to find choolante on Thursday nights. And yell. Whatever you do, yell a lot. You want your house to feel like a home. If you don't hit your kids, you've done your job. That's all you really have to do. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Behalotcha6/11/2023
Announcements
For Next Lag BOmer: There are too many messed up haircuts in our shul since Lag BOmer. No more doing it yourself, even with clippers. Not one of you has a straight neckline. Fools. Since the bonfires, clothes are still messed up and the shul smells bad. No more marshmallows at bonfires without sticks of at least three feet. We are working on programming for the youth of our shul. They are the focus. This is why we have removed the pictures of the congregation and rabbis. You can now see our hallway decked out in pictures of Transformers. We are thinking of getting a Bouncy Bima. The Kiddish clown is a new addition that should make evreybody happy while eating gefilte fish. At the next meeting we will discuss the Kaddish clow idea, to make Kaddish more kid friendly. Kaddish timing classes will take place on Wednesdays. So that we can honor the deceased in unison. The timing is off. Bill thinks he's harmonizing. Simmy is still learning to read. He's also three seconds off. The congregants are Amening eight times to each Kaddish section. As it is the NBA finals, the Minyin will not be waiting for the rabbi to finish the Shema. If we wait, we will miss the first half of the game. Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermons Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Do we still have to see the messed-up Lag BOmer haircuts. It's been a month and I still have to see... You're not bald. You gave yourself a step in the wrong direction. Look decent... You look like fools. The backs of your heads are all off... I understand you did it yourself. You use the two-mirror system. Everything was at an angle. You turned for LCha Dodi, I found myself leaning... I was leaning with your hairlines. Look decent. When you come to a shul. When you serve Gd, you look decent... (Bamidbar 8:15-16) '...the Levites shall come to serve in the Tent of Meeting. You shall cleanse them and lift them as a waving'... They got haircuts. Normal haircuts. They didn't show up to get waved with unkempt hair. Hair flying all over the Mishkan... The waving was fun. Why am I being asked about waving?... The Kohens back then were stronger. Our shul doesn't even have a Koehn who can do Hagba... 'For they are wholly given over to Me from among the children of Israel.' Commitment. They did things right. They didn't show up a minute before Kaddish. They did things 'wholly.' They showered. They got dressed up... Yes. In a jacket. They didn't have ties back then. They had decent haircuts. They didn't let down their shul in the community Choolante-Off. They had a Tafkid. A task. Everybody has a Tafkid. Except Mark and Fran. They do very little. Haven't even helped with a donation to the food cupboard... You can't tell me you like what you cook. You donate cans... Nobody wants your stew. Soup kitchens can't take your stew... It has nothing to do with Kosher. It's in a church. Maybe if you cooked it there. You have a task. To give something decent. Not one of your casseroles... Everybody has a task until they mess up. The Bachors messed up. The Leviim had to take their task... You guys mess up Kaddish every time. Can't even say 'Tiskabel.' Is it that hard... Bill. Even when they go slow, you're coming in after them... It's another Amen. The whole congregation says Amen, and then they hear you still going on... They have to do another Amen just for you. You add five minutes to Davening... Yes. It's painful. The shul has a Tafkid... It's not supposed to be a jungle gym. It is wholly given over to Gd. Holy... Children's programs done holy... I tripped on a Tonka Truck. Shmuli stepped on a Lego... Stepping on Legos hurts. He stepped on a Lego guy's head. Almost fell. I had to catch the Torah... Why is there a Tonka Truck in shul?! It's the Beis Knesses Beis Emes uSefilah Playhouse Funhouse. The sanctuary has turned into a youth lounge. There's a flyer for a hayride right outside the sanctuary. Are we praying to Gd to go hayriding and for a Saturday night 'Fun activity'??? It says 'fun' on the sign... We're here for Kaddish... It's too much. There is a beanbag chair up where the Chazin used to sit... We're not going to start Kohen wave rides... The kids come to shul and they show respect... I know that's a shock. Shul is not a jungle gym. The stairs are not a bumpy slide... You give them candies after Davening. Seeing kids in front for Anim Zemirot with candy is like watching the animals at a zoo... We're focusing on the youth, when we should be focusing on the Minyin... Toddlers cannot be counted in a Minyin, Bernie. We need to focus on Kaddish... Bill is a few seconds behind every Kaddish. He thinks it's a round table. He's canoning the Yehei Shmei Rabba... We have Tafkids. Tasks. Treat the shul with respect, and learn how to say Kaddish... Your dad went to Olam Haba. Your task is to say Kaddish. Not to give yourself a messed up haircut... I respect the basketball game. You need get out of shul for the game... You could've waited for me to start the Amidah though... (Bamidbar 8:21-22) 'The Levites cleansed themselves and washed their clothes. Then Aaron lifted them... After that, the Levites came to perform the service in the Tent of Meeting.' Clean. You have to be clean first. The sanctuary carpet hasn't been vacuumed... Rachel wanted to change her kid in shul... No. You don't change your kid in shul. There is a limit... You go to the bathroom and change them. This is the House of Gd. What is with this congregation?!... The toddlers are not clean. They're not even 25 yet... You prepare. We have to prepare the Kaddish right. We are going to be working on synchronizing the mourners... And wash your clothes. You still smell of Lag BOmer... Then use Tide. Rivka's Rundown And the sermon was followed by an argument as to which laundry detergent a religious Jew should use. Many argued for Persil, even though it's German. Shameful. It turns out that since it is not a German car, Persil is OK. The death focus of last week didn't draw the families. The shul is now into the kids. And for the kids. The board is planning to put in a Bouncy Bima with streamers and constant candy throwing. And the rabbi is thinking about quitting. The Tonka Truck was a bit much. The kids think the place is a jungle gym. Middle of the Amidah we hear the kids screaming 'weeee.' They were sliding down the Mechitzah. The board wants to change the name to the Playhouse Funhouse. They feal that calling our synagogue a shul is not attractive enough for the kids. Kids programming is important, as the young couples want that. One parent brought up the idea of a miniature golf course. They claimed that the new wheelchair ramp is perfect for the last hole. The board is very into this new idea, as having a hole right by the Tallis rack can draw a lot more people to shul. This has all gone too far with the kids focus. Now, the kids gather in front at the end of shul, where they sit for a minute. Then they get candy. The kids in front for Anim Zemirot is crazy. They get candies and they go wild. It's like watching wildlife. It's more exciting than watching the chimps at Topeka Reserve. Shmuel and Batya are always fighting over the sugar powder bananas. Shira is a biter, especially when she doesn't get a lollypop in the shape of a heart. Binyamin pounced the rabbi for a ring pop. There is no more shul where people come to live as Jews. They all come to shul for programs now. Everything is a Program. Shabbat is now a program. They sometimes have that program every week. Shul is programs and fundraisers. I don't even think our congregants know what Torah is. I think they believe it's a program with pizza. That's Thursdays. Pizza and Parsha. It has the two 'p's. Programs have to have the same letter starting each word. That's how Taco Tuesdays made it to our shul. Nothing to do with Torah. Could've had Torah Tuesdays, but everybody thought Tacos would draw more people. The fundraiser was so successful, we're doing another fundraiser. Another Match the Donor. Now, everytime somebody gives Tzedaka, we have a fundraiser program. No more BBQs, all programs are fundraisers. The shul has turned very profitable. We are now up to 800K for the year. And thanks to the money raised, they were able to put in new lightbulbs in the chapel as well. They brought a choreographer to teach Kaddish. It took them five lessons to get the three steps back with the leans. Shloimy still can't get down the concept of the left leg back first. He's also still off beat with the 'Talmidayhon' part. The rabbi is hoping to have a twelve part series to teach the mourners what the words mean. So far, none of them know. The rabbi does take a long time to finish the Shema. Since he became holier his Amidah is up to eight minutes. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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You better know when to start repeating the Amdiah, or people will get mad.
How do you repeat the Silent Prayer, the Amidah, out loud? That is a question nobody can answer. Yet, it is done. Hence, we will focus on when to start the repetition of the Amidah, the Chazaras HaShatz. Knowing when to start the repetition of the Silent Prayer out loud is a skill that takes years of study of the subtlety human expression. Here are some of the signs you'll get from the Gabais and members of shuls, to let you know when to begin. The Head Nod That is the most common cue. You're looking for the upward nod. The downward nod is a perplexed guy trying to figure out why the custodian hasn't vacuumed the carpet. Be sure it's not a side-to-side head shake. That means to not start, and that the guy is confused. It's subtleties. Be sure the eyes are telling you to go. Reading the eyes and the Head Nod are not always easy. The first time I got the Head Nod, I thought the Gabai was saying 'Hi.' I stepped away from the Amid (the Chazin's spot) and asked about his kids. He answered me with a 'Nu.' I believe 'Nu' means to start, as I read his eyes and he was not happy. Maybe if his kids brought him more Nachis, he would've been fine getting a coffee. A Blink That's it. A blink. That is your indicator. A blink. Study your Gabais. Before embarking with a blink, be sure the Gabai doesn't have a twitch. If you see the Gabai blinking a lot and harshly, maybe go over to him and ask if he has allergies before starting the repetition. The Hand It's a subtle stop sign. That means don't go. The hand comes down a little, that means go. To be honest, the stop and start signs looked very similar. I could swear they were the same exact movement. Though, when I got a nasty look, I knew that meant to start the Chazaras HaShatz. Any nasty look of disappointment means to start the repetition. Universal Sign: A disappointed look that is usually given to a child that didn't get an 'A', If you get that look at forty, you start. As a rookie, I thought the hand coming down a little meant to repeat the Amidah very slowly. That full repetition I felt a lot of disappointment. The Tefillin Touch and Shoulder Brush If your shul is into community softball, this will probably be the Gabai's tell for you to go. Loud Breath Out That is a definite go. A lot of anger. It's a frustration that starts at home with one of the kids missing the bus, makes its way to some guy cutting people off onto the off-ramp, then having to see Bernie as the first person in shul, and manifests itself with you not starting the Amidah when he wants. I got the Breath Out from the congregation when I asked the Gabai about his kids. It was nice to see the shul membership join in unison. The Breath Out Head Shake and Hand Wave with Eye Blink If they've got to give you all the signs, they're not allowing you to pray again. It makes no difference how many Yahrzeits you have, you're not taking the Amid (where the Chazin leads the Amidah from). The Table Bang That is a mistake or somebody is really angry. That is the next level of anger. If I was you, I would skip the repetition, grab my Tefillin bag, and run out of shul. I've done that many of times when I was not aware it was Rosh Chodesh. The Table Bang is usually reserved for Rosh Chodesh. I am educating Gabais now. One time, the Gabai tried relaying the immediate start by banging the table. Everybody in shul thought it was Rosh Chodesh, and thought they forgot YaAleh vYavo. They all took three steps back and repeated the Amidah. That took another five minutes. Then, when I started the 'vTechezana' verse in the repetition, they all shouted 'YaAleh vYavo!' If There is a Rabbi Wait How long? A very long time. After you have waited the amount of time it would take you to finish Musaf on Yom Kippur, it is probably time to start. Wait till you're spaced out and ready to go back to bed. At the point, you should start. The rabbi might have taken his three steps back. You'll hear a lot of loud huffs and you'll receive a lot of disappointed looks. Don't take it personally. They're mad at themselves for hiring the rabbi. Grunts and Throat Clearing They're trying to get your attention and you somehow didn't understand the blink. Now, the congregation is grunting. One guy is screaming 'GO!' And you're still up there thinking you should wait for the one guy who feels it's important to pray silently till noon. I just saw it today. They gave everything to the guy. The rabbi finished the Shema real loud. Twice. That's a sign. They even banged his table. And he still didn't get it. They grunted more and he turned around and asked people if they were OK. A guy had to go over to him, put his push hand on his shoulder and say 'go.' And then he waited till he got more grunts. Conclusion Good luck. It gets complicated. I wish I could tell you exactly when to start the repetition. I can't. Study the congregation. It's hard to tell whether it's a sign or the guy is just adjusting his Kippah. Sometimes, a sneeze means you should start the Chazaras HaShatz. Again, any movement other than a guy taking off his Tefillin means to start. If a cough comes right after you say the blessing 'Redeemer of Israel,' skip the silent part of the Silent Prayer and do the Silent Prayer out loud. And get used to messing up your Tefillin. As the Baal Tefillah (Chazin), they make you turn around to see when to start, so that your Tefillin fly off to the side of your face. Nothing is more embarrassing than un-centered Tefillin. We can pray for better days. BE"H at some point in the near future the Gabai will come to the front to kindly tell you to start. And you will be able to start the Chazaras HaShatz at the right time, with people who are happy to be in shul and Tefillin in place. One thing I do know. If people start pelting you with stuff like paper or Kiddish platters, start the repetition. I've got to get better at sensing subtlety. I think the congregation is waiting for me to say the Chazaras HaShatz. I just got spat on. I think it's time. Next time we will talk about how to repeat the Amidah. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Sermons of Rebuke III: Nasso6/5/2023
Announcements
Please show up for Kaddish. First Kaddish on Shabbat is at 9am. Kiddish is at 11:30am. Though you may have to hear a joke from Mervin when eating Kichel, Kiddish is not suppposed to be part of the mourning process. We're going to be installing our congregants. We understand that each person needs the Kavod of an instillation to show up to Minyin. We will install whatever you need by your seats, to make it comfortable for you to be in shul. We will even install a new AV system so you can enjoy a decent film during Davening. Just be there for Kaddish. The rabbi kept track of who didn't show for Shiva. He knows who you are and you will not get Aliyahs. To be clear Shiva times are all day. That means all day. That means you won't get a an invitation. The rabbi is mourning. You show up and comfort him. He has requested that Mervin not tell any jokes, as he is already going through a lot. The fundraiser raised $300K. Thanks to your donations we can now purchase the new light bulbs for the sanctuary. We forgot to announce Mother's Day. Now they know who truly cares. Call you mothers now. If we have to tell you to call your mother, there is an issue. The rabbi can't call his mom. Maybe you should stop by his house for Shiva. Rabbi Mendelchem Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... Nasso. Carried. Escorted. How you bury somebody... We count in this week's Parsha. You can't count your mother when she is not in this physical world. So here you are. You haven't shown up to my house for Shiva... It's good to know you care about Kiddish. If I had Kichel to celebrate my Mom's death, you would come. I am sorry we didn't have a decent enough spread at the Shiva... Well. The membership never learned to provide mourners with food... I've been eating canned peas and TV dinners all week... I didn't think of becoming a chef at my Mom's Shiva... Then people would come. If we stopped doing Kiddish, you wouldn't show for shul. Nobody would be able to say Kaddish... Because there wouldn't be Kiddish, Sadie... You forget the past. You forget community. You forget to visit your rabbi when he's sitting Shiva... There are requirements. Things you do, as they are important. Holy. You would expect... The Levites were counted from thirty to fifty. Not from twenty. It is holy work. You don't let teenagers lead in Shacharit... These teenagers Daven too slow, Mark. And you don't ask teens to make Shiva food... One kid delivered a pizza. It was half hour late. Ever had room temperature pizza... You wonder why the army is so messed up. Carrying the Mishkan is holy work... That's the Tabernacle. I'll give you a list of words you should know, Shlomo. One of them is Shiva. It's when you pay respects and comfort the living family members... It's in a house. Not the Tabernacle. Kohens are a whole other story... The Levite physical work of carrying the Mishkan could've been done when they were twenty. However, it is holy. And thus, you have to be a bit older. This is why we don't trust our kids with decorating the sanctuary. Balloons??!!! It looks like a pinata... That's supposed to be the Ner Tamid... A shul has to focus on its elders. Spiritual happens when you're older. Look at Max. He used to be a heretic. Now he comes to shul... I know it was for Kaddish. This shul needs to focus more on death... Not Kiddish. Kaddish. It's about keeping things in place. Making sure we connect... (Bamidbar 4:32) Rashi ' There were pegs and ropes for the bottom of the curtains and the hangings so that the wind should not lift them up.' You don't have balloons flying around the shul, all up in the ceiling. You hold things down. Roots. Old people. You respect them. You listen to Mervin's jokes. You eat Kichel. You show up to Shiva... Do I still have to explain what all day means? Does anybody celebrate Shiva not during 3 and 4pm... Zoom??? It's not a video. We're not putting together a film. It's not a Zoom event. It's a Shiva. For the sake of... You don't have to be thirty to go to a Shiva house. Though. It would be nice if the thirty-year-olds took upon themselves the holy task of visiting during Shiva... Even if there wasn't a decent spread. Bernie... Even if they're not Leviim. That's the lesson. The being older and more mature. Doing holy stuff... Yes. I am saying that everybody can do holy stuff... Not in the Temple... If I had a better membership, I could give an example. I am sorry Vicky. (Bamidbar 4:32) 'You shall designate by name the implements charged to them for their burden.' When it comes to holy tasks, you designate. Otherwise, you end up with a pinata as your Ner Tamid. Without designating, you end up with three hundred thousand dollar light bulbs. And you end up with no food for Shiva... Your designated task is to visit your rav... Rivka's Rundown That was a dark sermon. Most of the membership didn't catch the difference between Kiddish and Kaddish. At one point, Ethel was trying to figure out why they weren't serving rugulach during Kaddish. And nobody visited the rabbi for his last two days of Shiva. Our whole congregation is COVID stupid. They don't understand what 'all the time' means. Ever since Zoom and COVID Shiva is only during times. Half hour Shiva slots. The office had to answer calls every five minutes, 'If it's all the time, then what time do we go?' The rabbi kept track of the Shiva no-shows. Good for him. He's going to save a lot of money on wedding gifts. The rabbi skipped everything this week. Even after Shiva. I guess mourning takes longer than seven days. He is now praying for a Minyin, so he can say Kaddish. The shul should designate people to pray. A bunch of heretics in our shul. The rabbi is right. We need more people saying Kaddish. People felt like they got scammed in the fundraiser. 300k for light bulbs. The president of the board has been accused of siphoning the funds. I forgot Mother's Day. None of my kids called. Our shul has kids doing too much. Decorating the synagogue with streamers and balloons for Shavuot was messed up. This is why you need older people for holy activities. If the older people weren't lazy, we might have had flowers for Shavuot. Maybe they would visit for Shiva too. Have you ever seen a young person at a Shiva? It's awkward. You've got to focus on the young person. ‘How do we make them feel comfortable when Mom and Dad just went to Olam Haba???’ Got to see the kid, as if we’re ruining their day. They're itching to run to the mall with their friends. If they miss the sale, that will kill them. Maybe it's the jumpy house they're running to. They actually put a TV screen by Shlomo's seat. He gets a notice when it's time to answer Kaddish. Three hundred thousand dollars for light bulbs?! I have a feeling these non-profits are scamming us. And they didn't even put names on the light bulbs. The rabbi vowed to teach the membership of the congregation to purchase bagels and lox, and to bring it to a Shiva house. To quote the rabbi, 'Topeka is not a great place to sit Shiva.' He also said that any thirty-year-old should be fine purchasing lox. If they can't handle and eat lox by that age, they are not Jewish. That's what the rabbi said. The rabbi convinced the board to focus on death. He explained that people donate money for dead people. The rabbi said that the new chapter of the shul is to stop focusing on the kids and to focus on death, for the capital campaign. Now the shul has started a calendar campaign with Alav HaShalom pictures, and a death committee. The rabbi just wants to make Topeka a great place to sit Shiva. A Shiva destination. He purchased Shiva recliner chairs. Many families can't wait to sit. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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The Kibbitzer Photo Album XXII6/2/2023
Let's take a stroll down memory lane to Lag BOmer, Yom Yerushalayim angry sarcasm, and Shavuot and how Pesach and how cheesecake turns people Jewish, with the Kibbitzer's pictures of laughter from last month. We want to thank David Kilimnick for sharing that non-Kosher cafes are Jewish. That should help with our Kiruv project.
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Announcements
Lactose intolerant members are asked to not come to shul this Shavuot. You ruin the holiday. Nobody needs people who can't enjoy a cheesecake at shul. Nobody needs to feel like they need to go on a diet when celebrating. And nobody should say anything about the strawberry jelly topping, even if Mark needs to take off a few. Nobody likes you. We are open to new members. Everybody should know that they are welcome in our shul and they should feel comfortable. Our membership is made up of many odd people. All night learning will be filled with classes, so that you can sleep. Shavuot times are wrong. Please see the last notice we sent to be sure you have the times right. This bulletin is the last notice. Class on how to not let your kids run up to the Bima in the middle of Davening will take place in the middle of services. Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Excerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... (Bamidbar 1:46) 'The sum of all of those counted was six hundred and three thousand, five hundred and fifty.' And they are all dead... Yes. They all showed up to shul on time. And their kids did not run around the shul like it was the Shul Playhouse Funhouse... They were part of the Jewish people. Now gone. Reuven, Shimon, Gad... All part of a people. A people who are supposed to carry on their legacy in this world... Dead. They're dead Bernie. Gone. Not alive... I don't know what they did, Bernie. Maybe they didn't interrupt their rabbi's sermon. That's a legacy... Some may have been lactose intolerant. That may have been where the Jewish legacy of lactose intolerance started... They were not as odd as the members of our shul. They probably didn't let their kids run up during announcements... They watched their kids. That was part of their legacy. They were decent congregants. That's how they were able to count them. They didn't bother their rabbi all the time... They were accepting of all people. Even weirdos... That's what made them unique. Like our members. Different... Odd. The tribe of Levi was counted separately... They were not losers... (Bamidbar 1:47) 'Only the tribe of Levi, don't number, and don't reckon their sum among the children of Israel.' Rashi teaches that 'The legion of the king deserves to be counted on its own'(Tanchuma). This is why I don't lead the congregation. I am better... I am working for H', and the congregants depend on me to count them for a Minyin. Do you not see the issue?... Half the time I'm in the office and I've got to reckon the annoyance of a member who wants a discount on dues... It's like when the weirdos in our shul play baseball, we have fifteen on the field. Nobody cares, because none of us can catch a ball... The other teams count their players to make sure there aren't more than nine... Kind of like when none of our players were counted in the all-star game. None of our players made it. They counted the good players separately... They were good. Not from our shul. I don't even think we have one Levite in the congregation... The other tribes were special too. Just not as special as the Levites. When you get a Yisrael Aliyah, you are not special. When the only special thing about you is an upset stomach... Being counted among Israel can be special. When they're responsible, it's special. When they show up to shul on time, they're special... You should have known the times would be wrong in the announcements... Showing up late is not special. It's annoying... The kids are special. But they should not be running up on the Bima... You should be at that the Getting the Kids Off The Bima class... The class is now, to get you out of shul. So that we don't have to reckon you... Your kids wreck everything. Running around... In this Olam, this world, we continue their legacy... They live in Olam Haba... I can't explain Olam Haba now. It's a place where nobody has lactose intolerance, and everybody can eat cheesecake. And even non-Levites are important. All there. Receiving the Torah. The Torah we receive on Shavuot. We continue the Torah. Everybody is important in Torah. Even Simmy... And if you would know when the Shiva is, you would show up late... It's all the time. The Shiva is the Shiva. The whole week. Shiva... It's called Shiva because it's Shiva. It's not called 3 to 4pm... It's called Shiva... No. You don't invite people. It's not a party. If I was inviting people, I would invite Levites. My mom was special. A special Levite mother. One who lived the Torah and made everybody feel special. Even the losers. Every loser member of this congregation loved her... Dead. All dead. Rivka's Rundown That was a dark sermon. A lot of losers in the shul. The rabbi made that clear when he said 'different'. A bunch of lactose intolerant losers. The 'nobody likes you' announcement had the dairy sensitive people up in arms. Bernie truly wanted to know what each of the 603,550 people did for a living. Shavuot all night learning went till 2am. To quote Hymie, '2am is all night.' The times were wrong, even in the last email announcement, where they said to look at the last announcement. They had to announce the times in shul. Most people showed up too late for the announcement. According to the first announcement, they were on time. Kids running up to Bima, where the rabbi speaks from, is a bit much. The president of the shul was announcing the passing of a dear member and the kids were running up there. They thought the lectern was a slide. They were jumping all over the thing. One kid was swinging on the president. He thought the president was monkey bars. And as the president announced the condolences from the membership, not including Levites, one kid swung from the president's shoulder onto the side railing and yelled 'whippy.' The class was placed correctly. We got the annoying parents out of the shul. They are now handing out Aliyah donation cards. Mark swears he is never taking an Aliyah again. He exclaimed that he will not bless Gd over the Torah if he has to pay for it. On Monday, Mark showed up to the rabbi's office to bargain with the rabbi for cheaper Aliyahs. He tried getting a ten pass. The rabbi kicked him out of the office and let him know he's not a Levi. The rabbi's mother went to Olam HaNishamot this week, and they still made him speak. He started crying mid-sermon. Who makes the rabbi speak in the middle of Shiva?! The board said he already took his vacation. He shouldn't have taken the vacation down to the Keys. He wasn't ready for the shock of losing a loved one. The sermon started as a downer. The rabbi truly misses his mom. Once he started berating Bernie, his touch came back. Once the rabbi started putting down the congregants, he was at the top of his game. Side Note: The Ahava sales last month were not where the rabbi wanted it. After Shiva, the rabbi started telling people how bad their skin looks. He added in that they can die from chapped hands. That helped the sales. Nobody showed up on time to anything. Nobody knew to look at the last notice, which was the announcement sent to look at the last notice. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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Announcements
The community Lag BOmer marshmallows were Paskesz. You should all know you had a religious Jewish experience eating the marshmallows, even if most of our community thought it was a good idea to sing folk songs by the fire pit. Our board would like to officially apologize for the people who brought their guitars. Especially the classic guitar. We assure you all that the rabbi has sat with them and they now know that the only songs that are allowed to be sung at a bonfire are Carlebach songs. Yom Yerushalayim is this coming Thursday night. As nobody in the community knows what it is, we won't celebrate it. The weather committee would like to announce that the shul air-conditioning has been fixed and is working. It will be very hot in shul this Shabbis. We pray for our brothers and sisters in Israel, and for their safety. With that in mind, don't go to Israel this summer. Show your solidarity by vacationing in The Mountains. Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Exerpts Shabbat Shalom My Pupils... It is the Jubilee year and nobody is jubilizing. Everybody is worried about what to eat. The same way we must worry about what is going to be with Kiddish after the horrific Berkman Bat Mitzvah. And after you found out that two bags of Paskesz marshmallows is not enough for a community Lag BOmer... You can't jubilize when you have food rationing... We're living in 2023 America. If you don't have leftovers, nobody is happy. You can't jubilize with one rugulach, Bernie! What is everybody worried about? (Vayikra 25:19) If you follow the laws of Shmita and Yovel 'the land will give fruit and you will eat to satisfaction, and you will dwell securely upon it.' There is no security when you have a board that can't figure out that people like to eat. Would anybody have kept the laws without food?! H' promises us food. This is why we listen to Him. There is no reason to listen to the president of the shul. Do not listen. He supports the worst Kiddishes. His anniversary party didn't even have sour cream and onion dip. No jubilee there. You can't jubilate with the president of our shul. And there is no security guard this Shabbis... Just saying, Mark. And it wasn't during Yovel (the jubilee year)... If you believed in Gd, Mr. President, we would have more food. Good religious Jews have more food. Why? Gd provides. That's why the Frum shul has potato kugel every week... It's from H'... If you served better food, we wouldn't have lost the two families last year. Membership would be up and there would be lox spread... Gd provides. Yes. Gd provides. It's not just a saying. Gd provides Kichel and marshmallows... If you would've had smores, there would've been jubilating... It's about being fair. H' is fair. Hence, we trust Him. (Vayikra 25:21) The sixth year will give fruit for three years. I feel like we're suffering a famine in this congregation. With a marshmallow Lag BOmer and that horrific Bar Mitzvah Kiddish, I'm thinking that I should not come to shul for three years... The land goes back to the ancestral heritage. You don't sell land forever because we are only sojourners. That doesn't mean to not mow your lawn. You're still responsible for your house... The world is H's and it is owned by Him... It's not like an apartment rental. You have to fix your own faucet... You can pray to H' that you don't get a leak. On Yom Yerushalayim we praise Gd... Because He gave Jerusalem to us. Why I have to explain this?! I'm talking to AmAratzim. A bunch of Apikorsim in this place... We now celebrate Yom Yerushalayim this week. Let us jubilate with more food. We are going to have a food committee that has nobody from the board on it... Because all of you members of the board make bad decisions, like Tzimis, and you are annoying... It was a board member that rationed marshmallows on Lag BOmer... If he has money or somebody pays for the land, you give it back early. But he has to pay... (Vayikra 25:27) '...shall reckon the years of his sale and return the remainder to the man that he sold it to.' You can't rip people off. The housing rentals in Topeka are crazy... It's Topeka Bernie. Nobody makes 5K a month... You can't go knocking on the door at Pilgrimage Boulevard. You sold that house... Topeka is not Israel... We are not Mormon... It's the selfishness and lack of giving that has caused for no jubilation in this congregation. We must give a decent amount of food to enjoy Yom Yerushalayim... No rationing falafel balls. Fairness comes when you understand it is not yours. When you understand that Kiddish isn't yours. When you understand that nobody wants you to sing at a bonfire. When you learn about Yom Yerushalayim. You jubilate with Paskesz... Paskesz candies are religious. Sadie. They are part of our tradition... I am sweating. Hence there is no joy... Ancestral heritage without a decent AC unit? Gd would never have done that... The land was returned with AC. You didn't take the unit with you when you left... And go to Israel... Even for Yom Yerushalayim. How do we celebrate Israel by not going??? Exactly. I don't understand the board of our shuls... I know they have Paskesz in The Mountains. You get Osem in Israel.... Stop worrying about money. The shul raised 300k last month. That should've covered a third bag of marshmallows. That should cover a jubilee. Where is the money? Chazak Chazak vNitzchazek. Be strong and there will be food... I am moving to Israel. I'm sick of this AmAratzut... Rivka's Rundown The rabbi didn't move to Israel. He said he has more inheritance in America. Even so, he was mad about nobody visiting Israel. He noted that if the nonJews of Topeka knew what Jews were, it would be dangerous in Topeka, and there would be no Paskesz. The shul raises money and then they charge for everything. I think they just raise money to raise it. When the rabbi now goes to a Simcha, if there isn't a good spread, he notes they're godless people. The Hendelmans didn't have a smorgasbord. The rabbi told me they're heretics. If you believe in Gd you will trust that He will provide food for all the guests, and there will be enough for you for the next three years. That's unless it's a Kiddish by one of our congregants, a holiday with our board, or a Hendelman Simcha. Yes. The shul has a weather committee. At the beginning of their meetings they watch the news and look at the ten day forecast. Then they discuss who is going to come and who is not. And they still have no idea how to work the AC unit. They've called the weather station to get the anchor to announce a snowstorm so people would come to shul. They figured that if the congregants couldn't go to the lake, in fear of an incoming storm, they would go to shul. It turns out that even when our congregants have nothing to do, they would rather not go to shul. AC has been fixed. Meaning, a new unit has been installed. The weather committee did the finances, and they realize it's too expensive to run the unit. The casing of the AC unit looks nice. A beautiful white coat. The rabbi created a new rule that you have to serve Paskesz at all shul events, so that we can go to Shamaim. To quote the rabbi, 'Heaven is lined with Paskesz soursticks.' All members of the shul cancelled their Israel trips. Thanks to the shul announcements, Israel lost a hundred thousand dollars. They listened to the rabbi and there were three falafel balls a person at the Yom Yerushalayim celebration. It was still pathetic. No jubilating. There was no Tahini. The Blog Tags Widget will appear here on the published site.
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‘In this shul there is no talking during Tefillah and Torah reading’... That’s a shul that’s a little high on themselves. Patting themselves on the back.
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7/25/2023
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