Sermons of Rebuke III: Behalotcha

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
For Next Lag BOmer: There are too many messed up haircuts in our shul since Lag BOmer. No more doing it yourself, even with clippers. Not one of you has a straight neckline. Fools.
Since the bonfires, clothes are still messed up and the shul smells bad. No more marshmallows at bonfires without sticks of at least three feet.
 
We are working on programming for the youth of our shul. They are the focus. This is why we have removed the pictures of the congregation and rabbis. You can now see our hallway decked out in pictures of Transformers. We are thinking of getting a Bouncy Bima. The Kiddish clown is a new addition that should make evreybody happy while eating gefilte fish. At the next meeting we will discuss the Kaddish clow idea, to make Kaddish more kid friendly.
 
Kaddish timing classes will take place on Wednesdays. So that we can honor the deceased in unison.
The timing is off. Bill thinks he's harmonizing. Simmy is still learning to read. He's also three seconds off. The congregants are Amening eight times to each Kaddish section.
 
As it is the NBA finals, the Minyin will not be waiting for the rabbi to finish the Shema. If we wait, we will miss the first half of the game.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermons Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Do we still have to see the messed-up Lag BOmer haircuts. It's been a month and I still have to see... You're not bald. You gave yourself a step in the wrong direction. Look decent... You look like fools. The backs of your heads are all off... I understand you did it yourself. You use the two-mirror system. Everything was at an angle. You turned for LCha Dodi, I found myself leaning... I was leaning with your hairlines.
Look decent. When you come to a shul. When you serve Gd, you look decent...

(Bamidbar 8:15-16) '...the Levites shall come to serve in the Tent of Meeting. You shall cleanse them and lift them as a waving'... They got haircuts. Normal haircuts. They didn't show up to get waved with unkempt hair. Hair flying all over the Mishkan... The waving was fun. Why am I being asked about waving?... The Kohens back then were stronger. Our shul doesn't even have a Koehn who can do Hagba... 'For they are wholly given over to Me from among the children of Israel.'
Commitment. They did things right. They didn't show up a minute before Kaddish. They did things 'wholly.' They showered. They got dressed up... Yes. In a jacket. They didn't have ties back then. They had decent haircuts. They didn't let down their shul in the community Choolante-Off. They had a Tafkid. A task.

Everybody has a Tafkid. Except Mark and Fran. They do very little. Haven't even helped with a donation to the food cupboard... You can't tell me you like what you cook. You donate cans... Nobody wants your stew. Soup kitchens can't take your stew... It has nothing to do with Kosher. It's in a church. Maybe if you cooked it there. You have a task. To give something decent. Not one of your casseroles...

Everybody has a task until they mess up.
The Bachors messed up. The Leviim had to take their task... You guys mess up Kaddish every time. Can't even say 'Tiskabel.' Is it that hard... Bill. Even when they go slow, you're coming in after them... It's another Amen. The whole congregation says Amen, and then they hear you still going on... They have to do another Amen just for you. You add five minutes to Davening... Yes. It's painful.
The shul has a Tafkid... It's not supposed to be a jungle gym. It is wholly given over to Gd. Holy... Children's programs done holy... I tripped on a Tonka Truck. Shmuli stepped on a Lego... Stepping on Legos hurts. He stepped on a Lego guy's head. Almost fell. I had to catch the Torah... Why is there a Tonka Truck in shul?!
It's the Beis Knesses Beis Emes uSefilah Playhouse Funhouse. The sanctuary has turned into a youth lounge. There's a flyer for a hayride right outside the sanctuary. Are we praying to Gd to go hayriding and for a Saturday night 'Fun activity'??? It says 'fun' on the sign... We're here for Kaddish... It's too much. There is a beanbag chair up where the Chazin used to sit... We're not going to start Kohen wave rides...
The kids come to shul and they show respect... I know that's a shock. Shul is not a jungle gym. The stairs are not a bumpy slide... You give them candies after Davening. Seeing kids in front for Anim Zemirot with candy is like watching the animals at a zoo...

We're focusing on the youth, when we should be focusing on the Minyin...  Toddlers cannot be counted in a Minyin, Bernie. We need to focus on Kaddish... Bill is a few seconds behind every Kaddish. He thinks it's a round table. He's canoning the Yehei Shmei Rabba...
We have Tafkids. Tasks. Treat the shul with respect, and learn how to say Kaddish... Your dad went to Olam Haba. Your task is to say Kaddish. Not to give yourself a messed up haircut...

I respect the basketball game. You need get out of shul for the game... You could've waited for me to start the Amidah though...

(Bamidbar 8:21-22) 'The Levites cleansed themselves and washed their clothes. Then Aaron lifted them... After that, the Levites came to perform the service in the Tent of Meeting.' Clean. You have to be clean first. The sanctuary carpet hasn't been vacuumed... Rachel wanted to change her kid in shul... No. You don't change your kid in shul. There is a limit... You go to the bathroom and change them. This is the House of Gd. What is with this congregation?!...
The toddlers are not clean. They're not even 25 yet... You prepare. We have to prepare the Kaddish right. We are going to be working on synchronizing the mourners...
And wash your clothes. You still smell of Lag BOmer... Then use Tide.

Rivka's Rundown
And the sermon was followed by an argument as to which laundry detergent a religious Jew should use. Many argued for Persil, even though it's German. Shameful.
It turns out that since it is not a German car, Persil is OK.

The death focus of last week didn't draw the families. The shul is now into the kids. And for the kids. The board is planning to put in a Bouncy Bima with streamers and constant candy throwing. And the rabbi is thinking about quitting.
The Tonka Truck was a bit much. The kids think the place is a jungle gym. Middle of the Amidah we hear the kids screaming 'weeee.' They were sliding down the Mechitzah.
The board wants to change the name to the Playhouse Funhouse. They feal that calling our synagogue a shul is not attractive enough for the kids. Kids programming is important, as the young couples want that. One parent brought up the idea of a miniature golf course. They claimed that the new wheelchair ramp is perfect for the last hole. The board is very into this new idea, as having a hole right by the Tallis rack can draw a lot more people to shul.
This has all gone too far with the kids focus. Now, the kids gather in front at the end of shul, where they sit for a minute. Then they get candy. The kids in front for Anim Zemirot is crazy. They get candies and they go wild. It's like watching wildlife. It's more exciting than watching the chimps at Topeka Reserve. Shmuel and Batya are always fighting over the sugar powder bananas. Shira is a biter, especially when she doesn't get a lollypop in the shape of a heart. Binyamin pounced the rabbi for a ring pop.

There is no more shul where people come to live as Jews. They all come to shul for programs now. Everything is a Program. Shabbat is now a program. They sometimes have that program every week.
Shul is programs and fundraisers. I don't even think our congregants know what Torah is. I think they believe it's a program with pizza. That's Thursdays. Pizza and Parsha. It has the two 'p's. Programs have to have the same letter starting each word. That's how Taco Tuesdays made it to our shul. Nothing to do with Torah. Could've had Torah Tuesdays, but everybody thought Tacos would draw more people.
The fundraiser was so successful, we're doing another fundraiser. Another Match the Donor. Now, everytime somebody gives Tzedaka, we have a fundraiser program. No more BBQs, all programs are fundraisers. The shul has turned very profitable. We are now up to 800K for the year. And thanks to the money raised, they were able to put in new lightbulbs in the chapel as well.

They brought a choreographer to teach Kaddish. It took them five lessons to get the three steps back with the leans. Shloimy still can't get down the concept of the left leg back first. He's also still off beat with the 'Talmidayhon' part.
The rabbi is hoping to have a twelve part series to teach the mourners what the words mean. So far, none of them know.

The rabbi does take a long time to finish the Shema. Since he became holier his Amidah is up to eight minutes.