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Baruch must stop using a toothpick and smiling at Kiddish. He has scared away many prospective members. We understand he has nice teeth. But it's uncomfortable seeing them with herring, and then seeing leftover schmaltz on the toothpick.
The guy who skipped vHu Rachum got looks. Rightfully. It's the beginning of Maariv. You start things correctly. We want to commend our members for making the Chazin feel uncomfortable. We understand they gave him a nasty look of disappointment. And even g0ave some sighs and grunts. Finally, we have congregants who care and people who are scared to lead Davening.
No more spitting in shul. Don't know who started it. We understand you hate idol worship. Why on the carpet though?! The shul now smells like tobacco.
Kaddish fights are still happening. One guy is going way to fast. Another way too slow. We ask all members to not follow Paul. He is too slow. The shul is now providing a metronome in the back left, so that everybody can hear how off beat Paul is.
Kiddish is sponsored by the Friedmans, the Schwartzs, the Cohens, the Feldblums, the Mitzkins, the Frankels, the Bergmans, the Fishers, the Minkowitzs, the Feldblums. There are more. And it was also sponsored by all families who have a kid graduating.
Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 16:15) 'Moshe got very mad'... He was dealing with Datan and Aviram. He wasn't even dealing with a board... Yes. I get mad. Did you ever deal with Steve?!
Why did Moshe get mad? Ungratefulness. Blame. They're all rebelling. Kind of like the time Mark skipped vHu Rachum... It makes no difference if it was by accident. It's the beginning of Maariv and you already messed up. Before you started, you messed up... No. Nobody will forget...
'I didn't even take a donkey of theirs, nor have I wronged even one of them.'
What did I take from this congregation? Tell me. Other than a few pens... Then why do I have to see Bernie every Shabbis?! What did I do to you people...
Yet, they blame Moshe. They tell him that he wants the leadership. He stole leadership from them... Let me tell you. Nobody wants to deal with Steve. The shul president. Now that is stealing leadership... At least it's a leader nobody wants.
Rashi explains this to mean that he didn't take anything for himself. I understand, as I have received nothing from this congregation. Not even a call on my birthday. Not even a decent Chazin. Not a Sefer... You don't steal a donkey. It's rude.
I have taken nothing. From Kiddish. Not even a blueberry Danish. But you protest. And for what? What has been taken from you?
It starts with complaining. For some reason, you can't blame Steve.
They blamed Moshe for trying to dominate them. 'The desert isn't flowing with milk and honey.' What are you going to do with milk and honey if you have no cereal?!
Now I get blamed for bringing new Sefarim into the shul.
Yes. I get very mad too. There is a time to get very mad. Like when you expect blueberry Danish and you get Kichel... It's not when your child graduates and doesn't get valedictorian... She graduated kindergarten. The fact that you got up there, smacked the teacher and said 'leave my child's name out your mouth'... Yes. It was wrong. You don't get mad when your kindergartner gets a diploma, and doesn't give a speech for it... She sang a song. That's what they do to show appreciation. They don't give speeches in kindergarten. They sing... If the shul sung to me and showed some appreciation...
You get mad when the whole shul sponsors Kiddish along with you...
You spit. It looks like you're protesting the shul... I understand it's Aleinu. It looks like you're a Korach. It looks like a rebellion... It was a loogie. You hocked a loogie.
Why are you spitting in shul if it's against idol worship?! Spit on an idol. Not on the new carpet.
No respect. No appreciation. That's what is really happening in the desert. They chose to go the route of not showing Hakarat HaTov... Recognizing of the good, Bernie. You recognize when your rabbi doesn't steal your blueberry Danish.
And who brought the baseball team. They sat and spat. They didn't even stand for Aleinu... it was like the time you brought in the choir... They didn't help with Adon Olam and Hativkva. They sung 'Bridge Over Troubled Waters'... That's not part of Nusach Ashkenaz.
I take nothing, but I deal with you. People who skip vHu Rachum... It's the first part of Mariv and you already get it wrong. How can you miss the first words? Did you get up there and read the fifth sentence first? Yes. That's exactly what happened... Ungrateful. Like you have no sins to repent for.
You know who's stealing from you?! The board. You each sponsored kiddish for your child's graduation and you each paid full price. It's like when Zakah changed the donor signs on the mopeds. Stealing. Taking you to a desert of no blueberry Danish, where people skip vHu Rachum, and you have to pay for it. A desert where people spit on the carpet.
They have the right to get mad Steve. Nobody got a discount. They paid for thirty Kiddishes and Kichel. They have Kichel. Twelve thousand dollars Kichel... And now, I ask- Do we not have the right to be mad?! I feel like spitting on the front left section...
The rabbi saying he took nothing. He's vying for another raise. I know it.
'What are you going to do with milk and honey if you have no cereal?!' Brilliant point from our rabbi. That truly touched my heart. Then, when he brought up pancakes as well. He was right. The desert didn't have pancakes either.
And Kiddish was the same size. I am never sponsoring that thing. A scam. Thirty families, and each gave two hundred dollars and Kichel. No Napoleons. Rip off. And nobody is rebelling against the board. Just against the rabbi's new parking spot. Why should the disabled spot be closer to the entrance than the rabbi's?
A lot of sports dads in our shul. Dads yelling at refs. I went to PeeWee baseball, and I couldn't let on I was Jewish. You have Moishy screaming at the umpire, 'Nu. What kind of call was that. Am HaAretz.'
Sports dads and graduation moms. Moms were yelling at the principal of the day school when they gave at the awards. 'What kind of call is that? Our child definitely deserves the math award! They were the best at counting Popsicle sticks.' One parent protested, 'I donated the Popsicle sticks.' That was disgusting. The sticks had the ices residue on them. The Bergstein family licked each one of those, and our children counted with them.
He spat a lot. We were hearing Chaching the whole of the sermon. And it lingers. It's a new carpet and he's spitting in honor of Gd. There must be tobacco in his spit. It's disgusting and it doesn't dissolve. The tobacco phlegm just stays, hovering over the carpet.
The Halacha of spitting has gone too far. They spat on Nitzkin. Nitz is a good guy. They said he worships idols and spat on hum. They just don't like him.
New rule in shul: If you spit. You have to clean it up.
The dog owners in the shul have protested the rule. It appears to be that they're the ones who leave their dogs 'stuff' on my lawn.
Skiping vHu Rachum was the greatest thing that every happened in this community. Took of eighteen seconds from Maariv.
Paul has caused so much hatred with his Kaddish. Nobody complains when stuff is too fast.
Our rabbi now speeds through Shema. After months of the rabbi slowing it down, as he needed to gain respect- and you gain respect as a rabbi with a really long Shema, he is now at LMan Tizkru by the time people are starting 'vHaya.' Everybody loves the rabbi now.
Nobody learns in our shul. At least the Sefarim are in good condition.
I am happy they made that no smiling announcement about Baruch. It is scary. At least the board discussed something of relevance this week.
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They wanted to clean the silver on the Torah. Instead, they Polished it.
You get it? People from Poland are Polish. They should‘ve polished the silver. Nobody knows what it means. Maybe put a Polish person on it. If you're Polish, we do not mean to offend you. At the Kibbitzer, we are sure that many Polish know how to polish very well.
The Jerusalem Shofar carrying bag and water bottle. Perfect for when you need to blow the Shofar on a Tiyul. (saying something about a Shofar on a hike was where our creativity on this joke came to a halt)