Sermons of Rebuke III: Bamidbar and Shavuot

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Lactose intolerant members are asked to not come to shul this Shavuot. You ruin the holiday.
Nobody needs people who can't enjoy a cheesecake at shul. Nobody needs to feel like they need to go on a diet when celebrating. And nobody should say anything about the strawberry jelly topping, even if Mark needs to take off a few.
Nobody likes you.

We are open to new members. Everybody should know that they are welcome in our shul and they should feel comfortable. Our membership is made up of many odd people.

All night learning will be filled with classes, so that you can sleep.

Shavuot times are wrong. Please see the last notice we sent to be sure you have the times right. This bulletin is the last notice.

Class on how to not let your kids run up to the Bima in the middle of Davening will take place in the middle of services.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Sermon Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 1:46) 'The sum of all of those counted was six hundred and three thousand, five hundred and fifty.' And they are all dead... Yes. They all showed up to shul on time. And their kids did not run around the shul like it was the Shul Playhouse Funhouse...

They were part of the Jewish people. Now gone. Reuven, Shimon, Gad... All part of a people. A people who are supposed to carry on their legacy in this world... Dead. They're dead Bernie. Gone. Not alive...
I don't know what they did, Bernie. Maybe they didn't interrupt their rabbi's sermon. That's a legacy... Some may have been lactose intolerant. That may have been where the Jewish legacy of lactose intolerance started... They were not as odd as the members of our shul. They probably didn't let their kids run up during announcements... They watched their kids. That was part of their legacy. They were decent congregants. That's how they were able to count them. They didn't bother their rabbi all the time... They were accepting of all people. Even weirdos... That's what made them unique. Like our members. Different... Odd.

The tribe of Levi was counted separately... They were not losers...
(Bamidbar 1:47) 'Only the tribe of Levi, don't number, and don't reckon their sum among the children of Israel.'
Rashi teaches that 'The legion of the king deserves to be counted on its own'(Tanchuma). This is why I don't lead the congregation. I am better... I am working for H', and the congregants depend on me to count them for a Minyin. Do you not see the issue?... Half the time I'm in the office and I've got to reckon the annoyance of a member who wants a discount on dues...
It's like when the weirdos in our shul play baseball, we have fifteen on the field. Nobody cares, because none of us can catch a ball... The other teams count their players to make sure there aren't more than nine... Kind of like when none of our players were counted in the all-star game. None of our players made it.
They counted the good players separately... They were good. Not from our shul. 
I don't even think we have one Levite in the congregation... 

The other tribes were special too. Just not as special as the Levites. When you get a Yisrael Aliyah, you are not special. When the only special thing about you is an upset stomach... Being counted among Israel can be special. When they're responsible, it's special. When they show up to shul on time, they're special... You should have known the times would be wrong in the announcements... Showing up late is not special. It's annoying...
The kids are special. But they should not be running up on the Bima... You should be at that the Getting the Kids Off The Bima class... The class is now, to get you out of shul. So that we don't have to reckon you... Your kids wreck everything. Running around...

In this Olam, this world, we continue their legacy... They live in Olam Haba... I can't explain Olam Haba now. It's a place where nobody has lactose intolerance, and everybody can eat cheesecake. And even non-Levites are important.
All there. Receiving the Torah. The Torah we receive on Shavuot. We continue the Torah. Everybody is important in Torah. Even Simmy...

And if you would know when the Shiva is, you would show up late... It's all the time. The Shiva is the Shiva. The whole week. Shiva... It's called Shiva because it's Shiva. It's not called 3 to 4pm... It's called Shiva... No. You don't invite people. It's not a party. If I was inviting people, I would invite Levites.
My mom was special. A special Levite mother. One who lived the Torah and made everybody feel special. Even the losers. Every loser member of this congregation loved her...
Dead. All dead.

Rivka's Rundown
That was a dark sermon.

A lot of losers in the shul. The rabbi made that clear when he said 'different'. A bunch of lactose intolerant losers.
The 'nobody likes you' announcement had the dairy sensitive people up in arms.

Bernie truly wanted to know what each of the 603,550 people did for a living.

Shavuot all night learning went till 2am. To quote Hymie, '2am is all night.'

The times were wrong, even in the last email announcement, where they said to look at the last announcement. They had to announce the times in shul. Most people showed up too late for the announcement. According to the first announcement, they were on time.

Kids running up to Bima, where the rabbi speaks from, is a bit much.
The president of the shul was announcing the passing of a dear member and the kids were running up there. They thought the lectern was a slide. They were jumping all over the thing. One kid was swinging on the president. He thought the president was monkey bars. And as the president announced the condolences from the membership, not including Levites, one kid swung from the president's shoulder onto the side railing and yelled 'whippy.'
The class was placed correctly. We got the annoying parents out of the shul.

They are now handing out Aliyah donation cards. Mark swears he is never taking an Aliyah again. He exclaimed that he will not bless Gd over the Torah if he has to pay for it. 
On Monday, Mark showed up to the rabbi's office to bargain with the rabbi for cheaper Aliyahs. He tried getting a ten pass. The rabbi kicked him out of the office and let him know he's not a Levi.

The rabbi's mother went to Olam HaNishamot this week, and they still made him speak. He started crying mid-sermon. Who makes the rabbi speak in the middle of Shiva?! The board said he already took his vacation. He shouldn't have taken the vacation down to the Keys. He wasn't ready for the shock of losing a loved one. 
The sermon started as a downer. The rabbi truly misses his mom. Once he started berating Bernie, his touch came back.  Once the rabbi started putting down the congregants, he was at the top of his game.
Side Note: The Ahava sales last month were not where the rabbi wanted it. After Shiva, the rabbi started telling people how bad their skin looks. He added in that they can die from chapped hands. That helped the sales.

Nobody showed up on time to anything. Nobody knew to look at the last notice, which was the announcement sent to look at the last notice.