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No bothering mechanics at Minyin. They come to Daven. You also can't bother veterinarians, even though they are a type of a doctor.
Rule: No bothering professionals. We need a Minyin.
These Members do not have to bow Modim: Phil, Bert, Sim, every Max in the Shul, all Marvins, Bernie, Ruchela who nobody sits next to, Bill, Sid, Brad, Baruch, Shlomo, Pinny. Every time you bend you rip one.
The shul has received New Seforim. We don't expect anybody to use them. It just looks decent to have some Seforim in a shul.
We will have the Seforim display in the Beit Midrash which has not been used for the past ten years.
Kids are in camp. We want to note how happy the parents are. We have not seen smiles like this in the congregation since last summer.
Due to the happiness of not seeing your children, the shul is starting a boarding school. 'What's great about this?' You ask. You don't have to see your kids.
Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
(Bamidbar 19:20) 'A person who becomes Tamei (contaminated) and doesn't purify himself, that person shall be cut off from the the midst of the congregation.' Why we allow for this Minyin in our shul to take place is beyond me... It's a job...
You can be impure. Most of our congregants are... You have to go through the process of purification to be let back into the people. When you have a kitchen like Mrs. Fineglass, you can't eat in the thing... It's disgusting. It needs gentrification...
Mikvah. You got to a Mikvah.
We need to let go of some of the members
Who should be cut off from our shul? The Feinwitz family for just being Tamei. Always filthy. You thought the kids came in last week with a tan. They haven't showered in...
These kids in camp, disgusting. They come home, you have to spray them with something. If there isn't a purification process after collecting two hundred salamanders...
Bert. You have to be cut off Bert... People can't Daven. Every time you bend you let one go. It's disgusting. And then you lick your fingers. Chaching all over the pages. You've contaminated every Siddur in this shul. Turning the pages...
Phil, Bernie, all Maxes... No bending. No bowing... Even for Aleinu. Your bowing is forbidden. Asur. It should be Asur to pass your area with the Torah. The way it smells from your bending and sitting.
Finelwitzs don't learn Torah. No Seforim in their home. Tamei (impure)...
Contaminated. We are a holy nation and you constantly screw up. This congregation... And then you complain.
Again, they complain about not having food. 'Let us die.' After spending time in the Fineglass kitchen, you complain. I get it. They can't cook.
Complaining about the kids is fine... Yes. Very annoying. It is such a Simcha to not see them... I love camp too... The boarding school idea is for the kids. To get them away from us. It's a start. A start on the path of Tahor... At least we don't have to see these salamander dirt tans.
Sometimes you get me so mad, I want to hit a rock... Maybe not a rock. Maybe just one of the congregants.
The complaints... Everything you do is wrong. I can't even look up while I Daven. I see the congregation, I want to hit something... That's why I bang the table real hard for YaAleh vYavo. I'm getting out my anger for having to see Bernie...
Yeah. It's bothersome when somebody comes to shul to pray and you ask for Tzedaka. Every member in this shul is a charity... Yes. Asking a mechanic to fix your car and to pick up the lid to look at it, at shul, is Tzedaka... He took the mechanic to the car in the shul's parking lot... He opened the hood. He brought motor oil to shul...
Now, they're using guys in shul as their car experts. I thought people just used doctors in shul. Now they're bothering mechanics. Soon, nobody will want to come to shul. Next thing they're going to start bothering arborists... You can't bother arborists either. You also can't bother nursery school teachers. On the weekends, you clean your own kids.
You have contaminated the congregation. It's the complaints. Nothing holy... Holy is not the back left section of the shul.
Even Bilam understood that you listen to Gd.
As H' said to Bilam after Bilam was coerced to go with Balak's people to curse the Jews (22:20) '...only the thing I shall speak to you, that shall you do.'
The way you got me to come here to be your rabbi... Coercion... The salary is coercion. It was a good salary...
How do you purify? You listen to H'. Is it that hard??!!! Every Shabbis I have to give the same message to... Yes. You're impure. This is an impure congregation.
Seforim are good in a house. That's what H' wants. Did you listen to Him?!
Open up a Sefer... Are you Jewish?!
Was that Bilam's curse? That we would have homes like the Finkelwitzs? With no Seforim. Bert bending is a curse...
That the congregation should not smell disgusting. That's what H' wants... Then do half a bend for Aleinu.
Kids who go to camp should shower. Listen to H'... At least it's what the congregation wants. The kids are disgusting.
I really want to hit something right now...
I am happy the rabbi didn't get violent and take it out on the granet.
Some people were shocked that the rabbi considered his work as a rabbi a job. They thought he likes fielding questions about what to do with kids for the summer and where to vacation. In his weekly class on things that bother him about the shul, the rabbi made it clear that he doesn't want to hear about galamping anymore.
Once the rabbi said you can't bother professionals in shul, only five people showed up the next day. Three doctors, a gardener who likes to get paid for her work and the mechanic.
You can't be a professional in the shul. They even asked the grocer for fruit. It's his job. They come to shul to score free mangos. I understood when people showed up to save money on doctors visits. But this has gone too far.
And then the grocer disected the mango. The guy thought he was a doctor.
I walk into these homes, don't even know if they're Jewish. They told me they have their Seforim on a computer. The computer didn't look like it was handed down from Moshe at Sinai. It looked like a computer with files.
If there was a Torah computer I would understand. If the computer was maroon or navy, or brown, with gold trimming, I would think it was Jewish computer. It would feel like a Jewish home.
The rabbi truly didn't go into the purification process. He just went off on the people and let them know H' doesn't love them.
I believe the rabbi just doesn't like the Feinwitz family.
Mrs. Fineglass is gentirfying her kitchen. That's how disheveled it is. I've realized there are a lot of Fines in our shul. Diffirent ittirations of Fine. I wonder if the different ittirations are relate.
This week, the rabbi build a Mikvah in the shul. On the Mikvah, he put a sign, 'Members of Beis Haknessess Beis Emes USefillah please shower and don't be disgusting. You are not pure.'
The rabbi forbade bowing. I love my rabbi. Each one of these members farts every time. Even the thrity year old men fart. Sorry, I don't know how else to describe a fart. I am happy I'm in the ladies section. That smell has to be an impurity.
And the turning pages phlegm is disgusting. That with the Aleinu spits. I don't know how that's holy.
The rabbi and announcements forgot July 4th. People blamed themselves not leaving town for the weekend on the rabbi.
A lot of anger. Uproar took place around town. 'How dare you not mention July 4th in the sermon?!!!' Some people decided to burn a picture of the rabbi in protest.
The rabbi had a July 4th community BBQ at his house, that was planned months ago. That still didn't make up for not focusing on July 4th in the sermon. To quote, 'It's America, you talk about July 4th on the first of July.'
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They wanted to clean the silver on the Torah. Instead, they Polished it.
You get it? People from Poland are Polish. They should‘ve polished the silver. Nobody knows what it means. Maybe put a Polish person on it. If you're Polish, we do not mean to offend you. At the Kibbitzer, we are sure that many Polish know how to polish very well.
The Jerusalem Shofar carrying bag and water bottle. Perfect for when you need to blow the Shofar on a Tiyul. (saying something about a Shofar on a hike was where our creativity on this joke came to a halt)