Sermons of Rebuke III: Davarim and Tisha BAv

by Rivka Schwartz

Announcements
Tisha BAv is coming and the shul's air-conditioning is not working. We hope that is helpful.
 
The panel discussion for mental health will take place on Tuesday. We suggest Shoshi, Sherri, Shoshana, Shana, Sheryl, Sherlie, Ethel, Berel, Leibel, Muttel and Shloimy show up. There are other people who should be there, as they also have no idea how to interact with other people at Kiddish. Merv also makes everybody uncomfortable with his jokes.
A panel discussion on why Bernie is so annoying will be hosted by the rabbi next month.
 
We are asking somebody to take the shul's Tallis to the cleaners. It smells disgusting. It actually smells like the history of the shul.
 
No more Yashkoyachs in the shul for people who get an Aliyah. They do nothing. Give your Yashkoyach to the Bal Koreh. The one who prepared. The one who spent fifteen hours and their childhood working on the Torah reading. And no Yashkoyach for opening the ark. Pulling a string is not a feat.

Rabbi Mendelchem's Drasha Excerpts
Shabbat Shalom My Pupils...
Again. Complaining... That's what Moshe was talking about. We see it in his speech in Devarim...
No. Moshe's sermon was longer than mine. The whole Sefer... You still complain. We don't go into Israel because of your complaints. The last shul trip didn't happen because you were worried about the heat, Bella... And nothing about big grapes. I love them. I love big grapes. I would've moved to Israel. I would've taken the grapes from the spies, eaten them and moved to Israel... Of course I would've taken Maser first. I would've tithed...

Even Moshe says he needs help to deal with your annoyingness... (Devarim 1:12) 'How can I carry by myself your bothersomeness, your burdens and your fighting?!' Thank you for saying it Moshe. Thank you. This is why Moshe is our greatest leader. They are annoying. I know... I have Bernie sitting in the front right. I know. I go to Kiddish with them. I even have to deal with their Bar and Bat Mitzvah plans... No. I don't care if there is a bouncy house.
I see them every Shabbis. And the fights. 'I want Sheni. I want Shelishi. Wah Wah Wah. Wah Wah Wah.' And you don't even Layn... You can barely make the walk, Max. It take you three minutes to get up to the Bima... It's this selfishness that is the reason for Tisha BAv...

Rashi explains, the people were difficult to deal with. Even in court they would bring more witnesses just to cause problems... Anything to win. Kind of like getting into an argument with Rivka... We already decided we're doing meat for Shalishudis... We're religious. We don't say Seuda Shelishit... Or the third Shabbat meal. Shalishudis... You don't have to keep telling me that brisket is better than pasta. Tuna and egg salad do go well with pasta though. And that is why it's shul tradition to always have tuna for Shalishudis.
They were also skeptical of Moshe. They questioned Moshe's motives... My motives are to get out of here. To not deal with messed up BBQs and panels, and a Shacharit that takes two hours because Felvel still can't read Hebrew... The don't lead. That's an idea.
My motives are to not have to wish people Yashkoyachs for everything. The guy opened up the ark... He kept pulling the closing string. Three minutes of curtain banging. Yashkoyach for not being able to figure out that there is another side to the sting... Well those window curtains with the angles are impossible to open and close. Nobody can figure out the right angle on those screens to keep them in place...
You're the reason for Tisha BAv...

We'll find other leaders... That's exactly what Moshe says. He tells them that he'll give them leaders from their houses and tribes... Exactly. Now they have to deal with annoying questions about having mousse cake at the Bat Mitzvah.
This is when delegation starts. He delegates the issues. You. This is why we have Tisha BAv... You.
No answer. There is no answer to your annoyingness. Just 'find me other people to deal with you.'

Next year, we need a Tisha BAv panel discussion on the back left in the shul and why they are the reason for hatred amongst the Jewish people... Maybe if you made some decent mousse cake for Shalishudis, we would have Shalom.

We can all be leaders nowadays. Now that we don't have Moshe, we have to try to not be like the back left section. Right there... Being a leader means passing on our beautiful tradition.
We don't have a Beit Hamikdash, and now you want to clean the Tallis?! Does tradition not mean anything to you...

Forget about the Beis Hamikdash. I'm burning. Where is the air-conditioning?! You can't have Shalom when it's eighty-two degrees in the shul. At night... The board is the reason for Tisha BAv.

Rivka's Rundown
The rabbi was so happy. This was the first sermon where he just thanked Moshe. He didn't have to say anything extra. Moshe let out his anger in the Torah on behalf the rabbi.
By the way. The rabbi loves grapes.

Why announce the air-conditioning is not working? Even when it is working, they set it to seventy-three.
There is nothing positive about the air-conditioning not working on the longest fast day of the year, on the hottest day of the year. The board should've just said, 'We messed up and we don't want people coming to shul.'
All of Tisha BAv there were fights in shul. It was too hot. Everybody was on edge. We needed leaders to deal with the anger.

That Tallis truly does smell disgusting. It smells like Bernie.

'You're the reason for hatred... You're the reason for Tisha BAv.' What a beautiful lesson. Every Shabbis I go over to thank the rabbi and wish him a Yashkoych.
Their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are annoying. What happened to the pigs in the blanket?! Now. It's bouncy houses and chicken fingers.

I believe panel discussions have turned into a passive aggressive way of saying other people are very annoying and you don't want to see them in shul. Mark suggested a panel discussion about how Sheryl always parks in his parking spot.
Truth is that those who showed up to the mental health panel discussion were all judged. Everybody at Kiddish said they had mental health issues, and only come to shul because they like the free food and need it for conversation. That's what the discussion at Kiddish was, over the choolante that everybody was raving about.
They should have a panel discussion on what to serve for Shalishudis. I'm with the rabbi. You serve tuna and egg salad. And pasta does go well with that stuff. Chips too. Some people in the shul equate Yiddishkeit with brisket. My question is if they ever ate the third Shabbat meal or kept Shabbis before. If they did, they would know that tuna and egg salad are just as vital to Yiddishkeit. And the topic of that panel can be 'Rivka has no idea what she is talking about. And she is annoying.'

Everybody in the shul wants honors, but they don't even Layn, as reading from the Torah is hard. They don't deserve a Yasher Koyachs. Lazy. Some of them expect a Yashkoych for being the tenth one at the Minyin. The guy shows up late and he gets a congratulations.
I think they all learned the lesson the rabbi was trying to impart. I looked around. Nobody wished the rabbi a Yashkoyach after his sermon.